Steelers/Ravens Pree: Classic He Said, She Said

THE CHALLENGE IS ALWAYS UNIQUE -- ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU LIVE IN THE RAVENS QUADRANT OF THE RUSTBELT SECTOR OF THE MID-ATLANTIC CORRIDOR.

AS PER THE INCLINATION OF CERTAIN NATIVES, THEY OCCASIONALLY ATTEMPT TO RATTLE THE CAGE OF A PRO-STEELERS MILITIAMAN WITH SOME TIMID-AND-TEPID "WATCH OUT!" WARNING SIGNS.

MOST OF THE TIME, YOU SAY TO THOSE PEOPLE THE SAME THING THAT ONE SHEPHERD SAID TO THE OTHER SHEPHERD ... "GET THE FLOCK OUTTA HERE!"


HEY, WHEN YOU'RE A VETERAN OF 37 STEELER AUTUMNS OF FURY, YOU TAKE IT IN STRIDE, ALTHOUGH YOU CONFESS THAT YOU'D MUCH RATHER BE A STEELERS FAN IN THE RAVENS QUADRANT THAN A RAVENS FAN NEAR "THE CONFLUENCE."

IT'S DIFFICULT TO IMAGINE THAT ANY RAVENS FANS ARE ALLOWED TO LIVE BEHIND ENEMY LINES W/O EVENTUALLY ENDING UP AT THE BOTTOM OF THE MONONGAHELA ... OR WITH THEIR SKULL WEDGED UNDER A GUARD RAIL INSIDE FT. PITT TUNNEL ... OR SLAIN-AND-HALF-NAKED FACEDOWN IN THE WEEDS AT THE BASE OF THE DUQUESNE INCLINE.

WHY, JUST LOOKIT WHAT THE YOUNG PITTSBURGH MAYOR, LUKE RAVENSTAHL, WAS FORCED TO DO -- CHANGE HIS NAME. AS ANY POLITICIAN WOULD DO, HE'S TELLING US AT THE 3RD PERIOD ASSEMBLY INSIDE THE GYM THAT HE'S DOING THIS BECAUSE HE'S GOT SCHOOL SPIRIT AND THAT HE'S PRO-STEELER ("woo! woo!").

BUT MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE RAY LEWIS' "PEOPLE" THREATENED TO KILL MR. RAVENSTAHL'S FAMILY.

WE CAN NEVER KNOW ... AND THERE'S BEEN NO WORD YET AS TO HOW The Stillers -- JERRY STILLER (TV'S FRANK COSTANZA AND ARTHUR SPOONER) AND HOLLYWOOD'S BEN STILLER (GAYLORD FOCKER, DEREK ZOOLANDER) -- PLAN TO RETALIATE.

SENSELESS VIOLENCE ASIDE, THE NON-SLEEPYHEADS OUT THERE HAVE NOTICED THAT THIS IS THE 14TH TIME IN THESE 37 SEASONS (1972-2008) IN WHICH THE STEELERS HAVE PLAYED A SUNDAY GAME WHEN A VICTORY MEANS A BERTH IN THE SUPER BOWL (WHICH REALLY MAKES YA WONDER WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A CHIEFS FAN OR A BROWNS FAN OR A BEARS FAN OR A JETS FAN OR A VIKINGS FAN ... BY THE END OF EVERY JANUARY, THEY'RE OUT THERE, ON THE LEDGE 15 OR 16 STORIES ABOVE THE STREET, PONDERING THEIR LIVES -- "Should I jump?" -- BUT, THEN, BY MISMANAGING THE PLAY CLOCK, THEY END UP BURNING A TIMEOUT INSTEAD OF TAKING THE 5-YARD PENALTY).

NOTWITHSTANDING THE FACT THAT THE STEELERS WERE SO DAMN CLOSE ("this close!") TO PLAYING IN 13 OF THE PREVIOUS 36 SUPER BOWLS (INSTEAD OF ONLY 6), THE OVER-ANALYSIS THIS TIME RIVALS ANYTHING THAT MARK MALONE COULD DREAM UP ON "EDGE NFL MATCHUP" (jeez ... it's not the same w/o Mark Malone and Edge Shaving Cream ... Mark Malone was smoother than the smooth gin in a G-N'-T ... ).

ON THE HE-SAID/SHE-SAID SCALE OF MATTERS, WE'LL HEAR THAT "IT'S DIFFICULT TO BEAT A TEAM THREE TIMES IN THE SAME SEASON" -- ONE OF THE MOST-RECENT EXAMPLES OCCURRING LAST YEAR WHEN THE COWBOYS' TWO REGULAR-SEASON VICTORIES OVER THE GIANTS DIDN'T EARN THEM ANY FAVOUR WITH THE FOOTBALL GODS AS THE G-MEN, THEREFORE, WON THE PLAYOFF CONTEST.

TWISTED HISTORICAL DATA SUCH AS THAT SERVES NO PURPOSE ... AND IT USUALLY ELICTS A GREAT, BIG "GET THE FLOCK OUTTA HERE!"

THE '08 STEELERS AREN'T SOFT AND PRETTY LIKE THE '07 COWBOYS ... AND THE '08 STEELERS AREN'T BANGED-UP AND GIMPY LIKE THE '07 STEELERS WHICH ALLOWED THE '07 JAGS (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE '08 JAGS) TO INVADE MARCH INTO HEINZ AND THEN MARCH OUT WITH AN UNPRECEDENTED SECOND WIN OF THE SEASON.

BOTTOM LINE: THEY AREN'T PLAYING THREE GAMES ON SUNDAY ... IT'S ONLY ONE. AND THERE WAS A STAT SOMEWHERE A FEW DAYS AGO WHICH STATED THAT WHEN THE STEELERS HAVE PLAYED A TEAM IN THE PLAYOFFS WHICH THEY'VE MET TWICE ALREADY DURING THE REGULAR SEASON, THEY'RE 7-0 (SEE '70S OILERS OR, MORE RECENTLY, '01 RAVENS, '02 BROWNS OR '05 WHO-DEY-GONNA-BEAT-THEM-BENGALS.

THE GOOD THING ABOUT HISTORY IS THAT IT CANCELS ITSELF OUT WHEN NEW HISTORY IS BEING WRITTEN ... HISTORY THAT'S HISTORICAL, SUCH AS JAMES HARRISON AND LaMARR WOODLEY AIMIN' TO DE-COMMISSION JOE FLACCO.

WE CANNOT RELY ON RECENT TRENDS BECAUSE THE HE-SAID IS: "FAST WILLIE HAD A BIG GAME AGAINST THE CHARGERS LAST WEEK ... AND THE RAVENS' RUN DEFENSE LOOKED SOFT VS. TENNESSEE" ... BUT THE SHE-SAID IS: "WILLIE PARKER'S FAST, BUT HE'S NOT CHRIS JOHNSON FAST. BESIDES, FAST WILLIE NEVER HAS A GOOD GAME AGAINST THE RAVENS ... "

AND, SO IT GOES ... ON N' ON ... 'ROUND N' ROUND ... BACK N' FORTH ... GIVE N' TAKE ... PUSH N' SHOVE ...

WE COULD PROBABLY DO THIS ALL DAY -- BUT THEN WE'D BE STOPPED DEAD IN OUR TRACKS THE VERY MOMENT THAT THE QUIETEST (BUT DEADLIEST) RAVENS FAN WE KNOW ("THE MIGHTY T.O.C.") POINTS TO THE COVER OF THE SPORTS ILLUSTRATED WHICH HIT THE STREETS TODAY (THE JAN. 19 ISSUE WITH THE ACCOMPANYING CAPTION: LIVING LARGE ... NFL PLAYOFFS: WHO CAN STOP THE STEELERS? ... W/ THE COVER ART FEATURING SANTONIO HOLMES AND NATE WASHINGTON DOIN' THAT MID-AIR BUTT-BUMP -- OR IS IT A FLYIN' HIP-CHECK WHICH ALL THE KIDS ARE DOIN' NOWADAYS?).

MIGHTY T.O.C. SUGGESTS THAT "THE S.I. COVER JINX" MIGHT SOMEHOW COME INTO PLAY ON SUNDAY -- BUT, BEFORE PLANNING TO QUASH A PANIC ATTACK, LET'S ALL REMEMBER THE S.I. COVER FROM LAST MONTH ... THE ONE WHERE WOODLEY WAS PICTURED HOVERING OVER A PRONE FLACCO ACCOMPANIED BY THE WORDS: STEEL CURTAIN II.

POW! THE S.I. COVER JINX WAS RESCINDED RIGHT THEN AND THERE BECAUSE THAT S.I. (THE DEC. 22 ISSUE) HIT THE STREETS A FEW DAYS AFTER THE STEELERS HAD ALREADY LOST TO TENNESSEE IN NASHVILLE.

THE LAW OF THE JUNGLE HAS SPOKEN.

IT'S A DOUBLE-NEGATIVE RESCINDER ...

THE POWER AND PERSUASION OF JINXES ASIDE, IT'LL BE A ZOO OUT AT HEINZ ON SUN. -- MAYBE EVEN TWICE AS GNARLY AS WHEN WE WERE OUT THERE IN SECTION 124 LAST SUN.

SUPPORT THE TROOPS, DANISH 43 !

AS STRANGE AS IT MIGHT SEEM, DANISH 43 MIGHT ACTUALLY BE ONTO SOMETHING BY OPTING TO PUT (?)HIS OWN(?) NAME ON A 43 JERSEY (ALTHOUGH MAYBE HE BOUGHT IT FROM THE SAME BLACK MARKET WHICH HAS HUNDREDS OF THOSE COUNTERFEIT ROTHLESBURGER 7 JERSEYS WHICH YA HEAR ABOUT).

SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, IT'S NEXT TO IMPOSSIBLE TO BUY A MODERN-DAY MILLER 83 JERSEY BECAUSE OF THE GUILT INVOLVED ... THE BUYER'S REMORSE THAT ONE FEELS BECAUSE THAT SHIRT SHOULD BE A LIPPS 83 ... BECAUSE, WHETHER PEOPLE WANT TO ADMIT IT OR NOT, LOUIS-LIPPS-SINKS-SHIPS WAS EVERY BIT AS GOOD AS LYNN SWANN (MAYBE BETTER).

EVERY DAMN BIT AS GOOD ...

PERSUASIVE ARGUMENTS NOTWITHSTANDING, WE'VE DONE OUR PART THIS WEEK WITH THE PROPER ROTATION OF T-SHIRTS, JACKETS, SWEATSHIRTS AND HEADGEAR (BALLCAPS, KNIT CAPS).

SteelerDawg WORE HIS STEELERS COLLAR ALL WEEK ... Mr. Bones CONTINUES TO WEAR THE CONSTRUCTION-SITE, STEELER HARDHAT ON THE SKULL ATOP HIS SKELETON WHILE THE STEELER FOOTBALL REMAINS WEDGED INSIDE HIS RIB CAGE (WE ADDED A Terrible Towel TO KEEP HIM WARM DURING THESE FRIGID DAYS ... ONLY THIS TOWEL IS AN AUTHENTIC BLACK ONE FROM '77 OR '78 ... THANKS, HUN).

YUP ... THAT'S THE SAME 5-FOOT-6-TALL Mr. Bones WHO, LAST SPRING, WAS WEARING A Detroit Red Wings JERSEY AND CLUTCHING A PLAYOFF RALLY TOWEL (WHICH ELLEN BROUGHT BACK FROM "THE JOE") ... THE SAME Mr. Bones WHO, LAST OCTOBER, WORE A Philadelphia Phillies KNIT CAP WHILE A Fightin' Phillies RALLY TOWEL WAS STRETCHED ACROSS HIS EXPOSED RIB CAGE.

Mr. Bones ... THAT GUY'S A WINNER ...

WHAT REMAINS UNCLEAR TO Mr. Bones RIGHT NOW, THOUGH, IS AN OFTEN OVERLOOKED FACTOR:
"THE FACIAL-GROWTH PARADIGM ... "

WHILE STEELER-QBs-W/-BEARDS ARE 3-0 IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAMES (BRADSHAW BEFORE SB 9, O'DONNELL BEFORE SB 30, BIG BEN BEFORE SB 40), WE HAVE NO DATA RE: BEARDED STEELER HEAD COACHES (TOMLIN HAS THE PENCIL-THIN BEARD RUNNING ALONG HIS JAW-LINE) NOT TO MENTION STEELER QBs WHO HAVE FACIAL HAIR BUT NO BEARDS (i.e. MARK MALONE & HIS MAGNUM P.I. MOUSTACHE WERE 0-1 IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAMES ... BIG BEN IS LOOKIN' TO GIVE STEELERS-QBs-W/GOAT-TEES A 1-0 RECORD).

THIS ILLUSTRATES WHAT'S WRONG WITH AMERICA: OUR QBs ARE TOO CLEAN-CUT. FROM BART STARR TO ROGER STAUBACH TO JOE MONTANA TO JOHN ELWAY TO TOM BRADY, NOBODY'S DARED TO WIN A SUPER BOWL WHILE WEARING A GOAT-TEE (WAIT ... DID McNABB HAVE ONE IN S.B. 39? ... IT DOESN'T MATTER 'CUZ HE DIDN'T WIN ... ).

"NO GOAT-TEE" IS NOT A CRIME -- BUT IT IS A SHAME ...

NOW, THE QB WHO INSPIRED COUNTERFEITERS WORLDWIDE TO INTRODUCE ROTHLESBURGER 7 JERSEYS INTO THE BLACK-MARKET ECONOMY IS BUCKIN' THE TREND W/ HIS FACIAL FASHION.

BIG BEN'LL NEED TO PERFORM A LITTLE BETTER THAN HE DID IN THE TWO REGULAR-SEASON MEETINGS VS. B'MORE. HE LOOKED MIGHTY SHAKY IN THE FIRST GAME UNTIL THE HURRY-UP OFFENSE RESULTED IN THE TD TO SANTONIO WHICH GOT THE LADS TO WITHIN 13-10 WHEN THEY HAD LOOKED SO FEEBLE UP TO THAT POINT.

AND, THE SECOND GAME WASN'T ANYTHING TO WRITE HOME ABOUT EITHER ... ESPECIALLY WHEN BIG BEN TURNED THE BALL OVER WITH THAT BOBBLE/VOLLEY/JUGGLE (TRAILING, 9-3) FOLLOWING THAT GIFT PUNT RETURN WHICH WAS ONE PART SANTONIO MUFF (14 YDS.) AND ONE PART KEYARON FOX ADVANCEMENT OF SAID MUFF (18 YDS.).

BIG BEN SAVED THE BLACK-N'-GOLD'S BACON W/ THAT WINNING DRIVE IN WHICH HE WAS 8 OF 11 ON THAT 92-YD. MARCH (OR WHATEVER IT WAS WHICH PRECEDED THE CONTROVERSIAL HOLMES TD CATCH IN THE FINAL MINUTE).

AS IS TYPICAL OF THAT SPORTS TOWN, IT DOES SEEM AS THOUGH THE TALENTS OF THE QB ARE TAKEN FOR GRANTED. IT WORKS THAT WAY IN MOST NFL CITIES, BUT, BEING THERE LAST WEEKEND IN HEINZ FIELD ALLOWED THE OUT-OF-TOWN, PRO-STEELER GROUPIE THE OPPORTUNITY TO GAUGE THE FAN REACTION TO THE QB WHO IS THE INSPIRATION BEHIND THOSE COUNTERFEIT ROTHLESBURGER 7 JERSEYS YOU HEAR ABOUT.

IT'S ODD ... IF BIG BEN DOESN'T CLICK ON A FEW PASSES, THE MOOD GETS REAL TENSE, ALMOST PARANOID ... AS IF ROETHLISBERGER IS GOING TO MORPH INTO BUBBY BRISTER OR KORDELL STEWART OR THE 2003 TOMMY MADDOX (WHICH WASN'T NEARLY AS PRODUCTIVE AS THE 2002 NFL COMEBACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR TOMMY MADDOX).

MAYBE EVERY NFL TEAM GOES THROUGH THIS ... AND WHEN YA ATTEND ONE GAME EVERY 5 OR 8 YRS., YA DON'T SEE THE ANGST UP CLOSE.

"Oh, god ... what's he doing NOW? Is he trying to get us all killed?"
"Why is Arians calling THAT play?"
"Awww, fuck ... we're up 23-10, but it would be 40-7 if it wasn't for Big Ben ... "
"They should put me out there in one of those ROTHLESBURGER 7 jerseys and nobody would know the difference ... "

IT'S A TOUGH CROWD TO PLEASE ... AND, IN THEORY, THE FACT THAT EVERYBODY IS SO BLUE-COLLAR, THERE'S A PRESUMPTION OF ENTITLEMENT ("Pressure? I've been workin' in the mills since I was 12 ... and I pay my taxes ... so why can't Big Ben hit 14 of 15 for 392 yards with seven or eight TD's? That'd really help us out ...").

SOME OF US, ON THE OTHER HAND, REALIZE THAT BIG BEN HAS SPOILED US ROTTEN W/ HIS PLAYMAKING, SO WE'RE NEVER GONNA GET ALL FREAKED OUT OR START BOOING AFTER TWO CONSECUTIVE INCOMPLETIONS.

AFTERALL, WHAT IF THEY HAD DRAFTED CHAD PENNINGTON IN '01 OR KYLE BOLLER IN '04?
WHAT THEN?

SHE SAID: "THE STEELERS ARE 0-2 ALL-TIME IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAMES PLAYED INSIDE HEINZ FIELD ... "

HE SAID: "THERE EXISTS NO CORRELATION BETWEEN '08/'09 AND THE PATRIOTS OF '01 OR '04."

NOW, IF WE WERE LOOKIN' AT "STEELER QBS WHO WEAR #18 IN PLAYOFF GAMES," "YES" ... THAT'D BE A PROBLEM SINCE PITTSBURGH IS 0-2 ALL-TIME WHEN SUCH A SCENARIO ARISES (STOUDT AT L.A. IN JAN. '84; TOMCZAK AT N.E. IN JAN. '97 ... AND #18 TED MARCHIBRODA NEVER QB'ED IN A PLAYOFF GAME, SAD TO SAY).

BUT, THIS ISN'T THE CASE HERE BECAUSE THE STEELERS CAN/WILL WIN IF THEY HEED THE WORD ON THIS RED, RUBBER WRISTBAND SOME OF US HAVE BEEN WEARING FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS (IT READS: "ANGER") ... AND IF THEY HEED THE WORDS OF JOHNNY LYDON FROM ALMOST 25 YEARS AGO.

"ANGER IS AN ENNN-NURRR-JEEEE ... ANGER IS AN ENNN-NURRR-JEEE ... "

b

Strength & Honour (& Pizza) in SECTION 124

It's basically excellent almost beyond compare if you're a Cancer and your Mrs. (who just kicked the crap outta breast cancer) are enjoyin' your first-ever football game at Pittsburgh's "confluence" of the three rivers (that Pirates-Giants game in '82 was a real bore) -- and then you and the 53 participants in Black N' Gold and the other 63,897 active observers weigh the results of the pop quiz which is taking place inside your heads.

Of the following, name the least-desirable:
A) The Allegheny River
B) The Monongahela River
C) The Ohio River
D) Frickin' Philip Rivers

Classic no-brainer ... it's "D" in a landslide -- but, in the aftermath of a 35-24 victory which puts SteelTown within one win of the Super Bowl, you realize that you won't be truly happy until you see Rivers' body bobbing lifelessly down the Monongahela ... until that river flows into the Ohio ... and the leopard piranha and tiger eels (native in those waters) feast on the flesh of the waterlogged and bloated corpse of the Charger QB.

"Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ... life is but a dream ... "

What we experienced today, jeez ... words can sometimes escape a fella ... which is why it's prudent to rewind to when Kramer first learned about Festivus.

"Frank, this new holiday is scratchin' me right where I itch ... "

ON THE OTHER HAND, MAYBE "FESTIVUS" ISN'T OUR WISEST OPTION HERE ... CONSIDERING NEXT WEEK'S OPPONENT AND, HOW, DURING THE RAVENS' SUPER BOWL RUN OF '00, BILLICK, SOMETIME 'ROUND MIDSEASON, DIDN'T WANT HIS PLAYERS SAYING THE "P" WORD (PLAYOFFS, POSTSEASON), SO O-LINEMAN EDWIN MULITALO CIRCUMVENTED THE COACH'S EDICT BY CALLING JANUARY GAMES "FESTIVUS" ... IT WAS KINDA CLEVER, BUT MOSTLY ANNOYING ...

True dat: Tonight at the stadium was appreciably more enjoyable than the 11-10, "L'Estasi d'Oro" Game which most of us watched on TV (and witnessed the famous, one-handed-scoop INT by Polamalu on hi-def before watching the rest of the game on ordinary-def).

And, today, we witnessed the convergence (at "the confluence") of the cosmic forces of that 11-10 victory wherein the Steelers didn't score a TD (thanks, refs) and the only thing S.D. had workin' in its favour -- a 2-0 record all-time in Pittsburgh in the postseason; 0-13 all-time in the regular season there.

Regardless, the Towels were in full-twirl mode because the Steelers made all the little things add up to one huge home win during a weekend in which the previous three home teams went 0-3 -- a trend which looked mighty ominous when the Chargers scored four plays into tonight's contest.

However, the Black N' Gold got matters turned around -- and all three phases of the game were sound (the OL surrendered only one sack while allowing Fast Willie to go off for 146 yds. ... the Chargers' rushed for 15 net yards ... and the Charger punt which Santonio took to the house and the Steeler punt which ricocheted off of Weddle's helmet, those were fun ... ).

Phil Rivers?
While he wasn't fully de-commisioned or eviscerated, he was effectively neutralized ...

Such were the observations and attention to minutae from Section 124 w/ the Mrs. -- the same 'til-death-do-us-part sidekick who made Game 4 of the World Series on the other side of the Keystone State something unforgettable.

Yes, we would've loved it if Santonio had been sprinting toward our seats 20 rows behind the "P" in PITTSBURGH painted in our end zone -- just so we would've had a better view of #10 doin' that little baby-hop over the diving Legedu Naanee (whoever that is) at the 15-yard line.

But, even though his score came at the opposite end of the stadium, we noticed what CBS didn't show its audience ... that following the end-zone celebration, Santonio jogged across the field toward the Steeler sideline and slapped hands with #57 Matt Wilhelm for S.D., who was gettin' ready for the PAT (#57 in Charger Blue, of course, being a symbol of frustration 14 seasons ago when Dennis Gibson was AHHHHH, SEIZURE ALERT!!!).

Then, during the super-lengthy review/TV timeout to look at the Foote/Harrison INT following S.D.'s only snap of the 3rd quarter, Santonio and Wilhelm were chit-chatting -- perhaps catching up (?) on ol' times, such as the 2002 season when they were Buckeye teammates (Wilhelm was a senior LB, Santonio was reshirting as a frosh WR).

That's the thing about Santonio Holmes -- we never really know what's on that cat's mind.

For example, there was that moment in the third quarter when Santonio was waving his arms in the universal signal (palms up) for "noise! noise!" as the offense broke the huddle -- the only thing is, 1.5 seconds later, Big Ben walked to the line of scrimmage and offered the universal signal (arms extended, palms down) for "shhhh! shut up for a minute ... "

What delightful conflict ...

And, how nice it was of Santonio Holmes to channel The Ghost of Ernie Holmes (maybe) during his punt runback (we all remember where we were and what we were doing a year ago at this time when we learned that Ernie died in that car crash in Texas two weeks after the playoff loss to the Jags).

They say that the reason for the famous arrow-shape of Fats' haircut was to remind him of which way to keep moving. Santonio doesn't seem like the type of guy who'll ever opt for such a bold hairstyle, but that's merely the opinion of a guy who wore a mohawk during the final week of Nov./first week of Dec.

There's usually a reason for everything (such as the mohawk being the universal expression of solidarity for the Mrs. completing her chemotherapy), although the reason for Santonio wearing a throwback #75 Steeler jersey (with a football tucked under his right arm as he holds a Michael Jordan trading card in his left hand) in this FLEER Platinum Influence trading card from a few years ago, well ... the quest for an explanation might very well get filed under "attempting to know the unknowable."

On the other hand, when there's a pregame "incident" when the guy in the parking lot at the bakery outlet on Western Ave. leans up against the portable heater and significantly singes the bottom of his HAMPTON 98 jersey, people need to know that this is not a tragedy -- and that the run-stuffing nose tackle will not be scarred for life or cast into some doomed purgatory somewhere between "jinxed" and "cursed."

It's times like those when it's important to be a good teammate and inform Casey Fan: "That's a GOOD omen, buddy. It's totally positive. Nuthin' to worry about, Chief. Ya gotta trust me on this one ... "

OF COURSE, THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE GONNA TELL THAT GUY ABOUT THE RAMIFICATIONS AND REPERCUSSIONS IF ANY TAILGATER SHOULD HAPPEN TO SPILL CHILI OR NACHO CHEESE ON HIS/HER KEISEL 99 JERSEY. IF THAT EVER HAPPENS, HEAVEN HELP US ALL ... )

Providing comfort for the guy with the burnt Hampton jersey, well ... let's just say that it's part of "the process" in gamesmanship ... a meaningful element as symbolic as Jeff Reed's unbelievable shock of bleached-out hair which greeted fans before they got revved up during the fly-over at the end of the national anthem.

As we've come to learn, bleached-out hair and fly-overs which punctuate national anthems are side dishes to the main course that is the tastiest part of any NFL game which we attend in person -- "The Pageant of Jerseys" (i.e. who's wearing who).

With such frigid weather, it's certainly not easy for a husband and wife to display vintage his-and-her looks (i.e. OKOBI 56 and IWUOMA 29 ... and/or HOKE 76 and HOAK 42 ... then again, Dick Hoak didn't have his name on the back when he played ... in fact, his five Super Bowl rings were not earned in his 10 years as a Steeler RB, but, instead during his 35 years as a Noll/Cowher assistant ... ).

The pickin's were a little slim out at the ballpark tonight, save for the usual shirts for Ward n' Polamalu n' Parker n' Harrison, etc ...

We didn't see anyone wearing a counterfeit ROTHLESBURGER 7 jersey (which we know are out there somewhere), although we noticed an oldtimer wearing his THIGPEN 82 backwards (intentionally, we assumed) -- and that other guy had the last name spelled correctly on the back of his STRZELCZYK 73 shirt, so we knew THAT wasn't a counterfeit.

AND HERE'S SOMETHING WHICH HAS STUCK IN OUR CRAW FOR A BUNCH OF YEARS: WHY WAS IT THAT WHEN "THE DEER HUNTER" WAS ENTRENCHING ITSELF INTO OUR COLLECTIVE CONSCIENCE AS SOME SORTA SLICE OF AMERICANA, WHAT WAS THE DEAL WITH NO REFERENCES TO THE STEELERS? >>> THINK ABOUT IT: MIKE N' NICKY N' STEVIE WERE BUDDIES FROM CLAIRTON IN THE MID-'70'S, BUT ALL THEY EVER DID WAS WORK IN THE MILL, DRINK, SING, GO BOWLING, B.S. A LOT AND SHOOT DEER ("Every time we come up here, ya got no jacket, ya got no boots, ya got no belt, ya got no knife ... all ya got is that fuckin' gun ya carry around like John Wayne. That ain't gonna help ya." -- DeNiro) >>> THE FELLAS WERE NEVER TOSSIN' 'ROUND A FOOTBALL AFTER WORK AND SAYIN', "DIDJA SEE THE GAME YESTERDAY?" SERIOUSLY ... HOW'D THE GUYS GO FROM 1845 PITTSBURGH TO VIETNAM? >>> AGAIN ... MAYBE WE'RE LEANING UP AGAINST WHAT IS "UNKNOWABLE." THANK GOD THAT MOVIES SUCH AS "BLACK SUNDAY" AND "HEAVEN CAN WAIT" EXPLAINED EVERYTHING ABOUT THE STEELERS OF THE '70S ...

MEANWHILE ... any report is an incomplete report when there's no mention of somebody wearing a DAWSON 63 jersey (which, if we were to buy a Steeler jersey for this household, THAT'S the name n' number we'd select ... all of which seems a bit unlikely, given how three days after wearing an authentic Nike SOONERS 4 jersey to work, we wondered why is it that NFL-jersey manufacturer Reebok doesn't manufacture/distribute NFL jerseys for public consumption which are cut more like the actual, game-type style ... y'know, instead of stripes near your elbow on a floppy sleeve, a tapered sleeve which ends mid-bicep with the gold stripes near the shoulder ... just like the players wear ... )

Yeah, it's understood that with the floppy sleeve, a fan can wear a sweatshirt and a windbreaker under an XXXL or XXXXL jersey (in order to establish sensible "layering"), yet, if somebody wants a tapered sleeve w/ stripes nearer to the shoulder for watchin' the game in the comfort of their own Steeler Sanctuary/living room, Reebok sez, "No sale."

As per the absence of DAWSON 63, maybe the townsfolk are feeling conflicted ... wanting not to wear their #63, thinking that it might jinx Dermontti's Hall of Fame legitimacy when his candidacy is discussed (and, likely, glossed over) later this month in Tampa.

Or maybe it's because Ernie Holmes wore #63.
Or because we can't wear #78 ... out of respect for Dwight White (who died last June) ... but, also so as not to jinx Max Starks as he carries out his blocking schemes.

So much deep, dark inner-conflict ... unlike the bright, bubbly, happy conflict represented by Santonio's "more noise!" followed immediately by Big Ben's "quiet, please!"

Anyway, tonight's climate (25 degrees/wind-chill 18 ... dazzling, snow-globe mini-flakes throughout the entire first half) did not provide an ideal setting for showcasing jersey allegiances, although it was the rather perfect occasion to strut around in black-n'-gold outerwear.

IMAGINE IF THE FIRED-UP CROWD FOUND OUT THAT THE GUY WITH THE PLAIN-BLACK STEELERS KNIT CAP, THE BLACK-GRAY-CHARCOAL-YELLOW INSULATED STEELERS GLOVES AND THE BRAND NEW STEELER WINDJACKET (thanks, Hometowne Sports) WAS USING THE FOLLOWING AS "UPPER" LAYERING: A GREEN LONG-SLEEVE MOCK-T WHICH WAS SO OLD YOU COULD STILL SEE THE DISCUS ATHLETIC TAG ON IT; A GRAY COLORADO BUFFALOES HOODIE; AND A RED, LINED MARYLAND 2002 NATIONAL CHAMPIONS JACKET ...

Without a doubt: The fashion fiesta never gets old, albeit we need to differentiate between the unknowable and the "we're-better-off-NOT-knowin'."

Such as why that guy eight or nine rows in front of us was wearin' a BEER 24 Steeler jersey.
Or why that guy goin' down the escalator had a DECENT 1 jersey.
And, where the frick was our ol' pal from the Ravens game in B'More ... DANISH 43?

Did DANISH 43 forget how we bonded when he was 100 feet ahead of us and then he kept walkin' straight ahead while we veered off to the left so that we could spend two minutes visiting the Unitas Statue (the one where Johnny U. has a package the size of a grapefruit ... HEY, DON'T LOOKIT ME, I DIDN'T SCULPT IT ... ).

It's all water under the bridge now (pun intended) -- and because of this weekend's developments, they'll be fillin' up Heinz Field up next Sunday the way that Heinz has filled our lives with so many ketchup moments which Hunt's can only dream about.

Just say no to Nashville ... how fitting, given that the cow they call LargeDale White tried to act all tough a few weeks ago by wipin' his cleats on a Terrible Towel.

Tsk, tsk ... how soon they forget that when the CinShitnati BenGirls pulled that tough-guy shit three years ago (Housh-man-zilli polishing his shoes with a Towel), Kimo von Oelhoffen delivered retribution by submarining Carson Palmer's knee.

This trip to Steeler Country ... it will remain a keeper which'll rank right up there w/ Game 4 of the '08 World Series (played moments after the yellow-helmeted Steelers collapsed against the G-Men who had invaded Heinz ... when James Harrison was long-snapping for the recently-crippled Chris Warren ... ).

Dear Diary: This was wayyyy better than the only time we ever sat inside Imploded-But-Never-Forgotten Three Rivers Stadium ... that mid-August blockbuster in '82 ... when approx. 856 of the 11,345 in attendance that night went ape-shit when Jason Thompson went deep against Atlee Hammaker ...

[P.S. -- Our only other Steeler game before this season was that 20-13 classic in the '98 season opener which was the first game ever played in Ravens Stadium -- a black-n'-gold triumph highlighted by a bad snap by Harper LeBel which put the ball inside the Raven 5 ... you never forget a bad snap by a guy named Harper LeBel and, holy crap! That's TWO references to long-snappers -- and, at this point, it's not worth it to attempt to name the long snapper(s) in the only other NFL playoff game we've attended ... Jan. '89 at CandleShit ... w/ Jay-Ay ... when that back judge had to leave the game after slipping on the damp surface while trying to keep up w/ Jerry Rice ... personal cost that day: zero $$$, just like the Steelers-Ravens tussle 10 yrs. ago ... ]

This odyssey in Steeler Country will forever rank right up there with the pilgrimage to Philly for Game 4 of the World Series, notwithstanding the 5-Way Chili at the Steak N' Shake which did taste as though the matter which was poured over the spaghetti noodles came from a can.

We were hoping for something a little more homemade in orientation.

It's going in the report -- just as the hospitality of the locals who ran the hotel where we lodged in West Mifflin (yup ... right next door to the Allegheny Co. Airport ... right down the street from Dean Honda) will get their propers.

And SuperDawg? He hit the jackpot with his new Steeler collar (which is gonna rankle the bejabbers outta the folks back home in the Ravens Quadrant of the Mid-Atlantic Corridor).

SteelerPup spent the game 'cross town ... in the warmth of a South Park dwelling ... appreciative of the manner in which the OL negated Igor Olshansky in a possible sneak-preview of what's in store for Haloti Ngata, the behemoth who lined up next to Olshanky on that '01 Oregon Ducks team which truly was the team which shoulda played Miami in the BCS Title Game in the Rose Bowl.

Unlike the Steeler game at B'More last month, we toughed it out 'til the very end (and thensome), laughing heartily as the kid w/ the Bambi stride (Limas Sweed, who the closed-caption typist once I.D.ed as "Lie Muss Weed") sprinted toward us and was unable to corral that deeeeeep ball from Leftwich during garbage time.

We chuckled ... because, like a HAMPTON 98 jersey which gets toasted, it's best to mask anguish with laughter.

And, stickin' 'round 'til the very end allows ya to finish yer pizza as ya notice how quickly Kasim Osgood frickin' bolted off the field before everybody else (obviously, eager to get a good seat on that flight back to mediocrity).

Or how rookie Jacob Hester, of all people, was the last Charger off the field, tapping Fast Willie on the backside (Thought Parker: "Who the frick is that dude?") before making his way to the tunnel ...

Section 124 afforded us a premium vantage point for observing the personal growth that Fast Willie has undergone this season -- as evidenced by his two TD celebrations.

The first one (right in front of us) featured Willie bent forward, doin' a between-the-legs weave with the ball before he shot a fall-away jumper from the rear pylon.
On the second TD (his 18-yard scamper which put Team Rustbelt up, 35-17), Willie knelt (some would say he "genuflected") and offered a roll of the ball which might've been part-bowling, part-dicethrow.

Again ... the knowledge that we're pursuing here might very well fall under the heading of "the unknowable."

Regardless, good for you, Gary Russell ... fightin' yer way across the goal line on a sweep w/ cutback and then punctuating the effort with your vicious, celebratory spike on the 2-yard line (after "breaking the plane," of course).

Russell's TD served as redemption for earlier in the game when the offense was stopped on 4th-n'-goal from the 1 for the fifth time this season ... FIVE frickin' times --> vs. Indy, the first Charger game, vs. Dallas ... there's another one we're missing, but, so what, right?

The Steelers' red-zone offense has been a little erratic this season, although everybody loves it when Heath Miller is blocking, blocking, blocking and Big Ben is drifting to his right, drifting, drifting, buying time, looking, looking -- and then Miller disengages from his opponent, that defender advances toward the QB and then Benny Roth holds the ball a split-second longer and then executes the dump-off to #83 ... verrrrrry nicely-done.

That was the capper to the lengthy drive to open the third quarter -- and it was a dagger. Big Ben -- showing no ill-effects from the concussion sustained two weeks ago -- delivered the ball with seemingly more mustard today (if that's fair to say when seated inside the ketchup kingdom).

Big Ben made anybody who owns a counterfeit ROTHLESBURGER 7 jersey damn proud -- and the OL was so stout that it makes ya wanna substitute "we/our/us" for "the Steelers" in most sentences.

Our line was great today ...

We really protected well today ...

The Ravens will have their hands full with us ...

Make no mistake: That's a dangerous (and unfair) practice -- which is why it's vital to limit conversations to strangers (such as the ones in Section 124) to, "So, do ya think that it's time to rank Gary Russell up there with the previous #33 RBs from our past, i.e. Frenchy, Merrill and Bam?"

The fans are hardcore ... and they prefer to engage in the sing-song "Here we go, Steelers, here we go ..." -- as opposed to acknowledging personal observations such as, "Patrick Bailey is REALLY showin' me somethin' today" (which would prompt one of your Section 124 neighbors to notice Patrick in his #55 for the kick-cover team and remark, "Say, isn't 55 the number that ... " >>> and before they can finish the sentence with "Joey Porter," you blurt out, "You're right! Jerry Olsavsky DID wear number 55."

Sometimes it's better just to bite yer tongue ... because if you start quizzing everybody in Section 124 about who's their favorite #55, it might end up as an exercise in frustration when you realize how many people can't think outside the realm of Joey Porter as #55.

Which is sad, given that Jon Kolb wore #55 as the starter at left tackle on four Super Bowl winners.

It's something to think about any time that #72 Darnell Stapleton is doin' his thing at right guard and you're wondering if it's a good idea to say to the guy next to ya, "Kinda reminds ya of Gerry Mullins, doesn't it?"

Did they forget that Moon Mullins wore #72 ... or that he played the same position as Stapleton ... or that he, like Kolb, was the other OL starter on four Super Bowl winners?

Well, Section 124's on its own next week -- so, the banner which is draped across the wall next to the end zone across Sections 125 and 124 will have to provide the inspiration:

BRING IT!

b

2 Tix 4 Sect. 124

Everybody hates it when they've just begun to ponder the complexities and nuances of the playoff tussle between The Curtain and The Bolts when a loudmouthed father of the patient is sittin' nearby and recounting the last time that the teams met in the playoffs (in Jan. '95).

"Blah blah blah, I was at that game, blah blah blah, and it was freezing and drizzly, blah blah blah and then O'Donnell threw the pass to Barry Foster in the end zone and Junior Seau knocked it away, blah blah blah ... "

It's equally sad when you inform him that it was Nobody's Linebacker From Nowhere (Dennis Gibson ... #57, not #55, numbnuts) who provided the tip-away and then Loudmouth Dad gets all pissy (downright huffy, like a high-school chick) and snaps back with, "No ... it was Junior Seau ... "

Being wrong is one thing.
Being wrong and PMS-ey to boot, well ... that's just bad manners.

When situations such as these arise, it's important to supress your inner-agitator/smart-ass and resist the urge to fire off the ultimate "gotta-get-the-last-word" with:

"Yeah, I think you're right ... I can only imagine how frustrated you must've been at that game when Fouts (it was Stan Humphries) threw that go-ahead TD pass to Alworth (it was Tony Martin) after Hank Poteat (it was Tim McKyer) got beat deep ... and don't even get me started about the Steeler D forgetting to cover Mosi Tatupu (it was Alfred Pupunu) on the TD which made it 13-10, my god ... "

Whodduh thunk: Pupunu and Poteat would get some love at this crazy time of year ... but, then again, who figured that the Mrs. would do somethin' wonderfully nutso such as securing two tix in Heinz Field's Section 124, 20 rows beyond the end zone at the closed end of the stadium?

It sounds about as crazy as the mixed-up dream a lot of us have wherein we grab the binoculars to watch the in-the-trenches, hand-to-hand combat between Steeler center Buzz Nutter and Charger d-lineman Coy Bacon.

Dreams never make sense ... particularly when we remember that Buzz Nutter was a Steeler center in the early '60s and Coy Bacon was a Charger d-lineman in the early '70s.

Mr. Itwasjuniorseau can't I.D. Buzz Nutter or Coy Bacon -- so, it's pointless to inform him that each player passed away in 2008.

Just as pointless is the fact that in the 1958 NFL Championship (which is often mistakenly referred to as "The Greatest Game Ever Played"), Johnny U. is takin' center snaps from Madison "Buzz" Nutter.

Now, Buzz Nutter is gone.

And so is Coy Bacon (and, it's fascinating to note how that on the 1973 Topps trading card of Coy Bacon -- No. 149 in that series -- he has no lightning bolts on his helmet and no number 79 on his powder-blue jersey >>> ah yes, the days when the NFL had no licensing agreement w/ trading-card companies, so players who were wearing L.A. Rams helmets, for example, didn't have a big, yellow swirl, but rather a plain, airbrushed blue helmet ... it really takes ya back, doesn't it?).

ENNN-NEEE-WAYYY ... Coy Bacon was not a member of the '82 Chargers who wore royal-blue bonnets and yellow trousers and earned a playoff win at Three Rivers ... nor was Coy Bacon a member of the '94 Chargers team (well, maybe he was, if we listen to Mr. Itwasjuniorseau) which was wearing navy-blue helmets while swiping the Steelers' spot opposite the 49ers in Super Bowl 29.

We'll hear it until the minute they kick it off on Sunday:
S.D. is 0-13 all-time during the regular season in SteelTown; 2-0 in the playoffs.

Then, it'll be our job to police Section 124, just in case anybody seated there confuses the current #57 Charger LB (Matt Wilhelm) for #57 Ghost of The O'Donnell-Pass Deflector Dennis Gibson.

This time, the Bolts'll be wearing their third different helmet/pant combo for a Pittsburgh playoff visit -- and oddsmakers'll tell ya that such a tactic almost never succeeds.

Some of us never have warmed up to the Chargers' white headgear, not to mention the fact that they seem mighty indiscriminate about when to wear dark blue or light blue shirts.

Ain't no big thang.

For as much fun as we had during the madness of the NFL's first-in-almost-13,000-games, 11-10 result two months ago, it seems obvious that we're destined for the first-ever 18-4 playoff final.

Unless Gary "Big Hands" Johnson knocks away that Bubby Brister pass in the first overtime period ...

In the end zone right in front of us ...

b

A Sweet 13-9 From Suite 369

Proper etiquette dictates that when you and your gal are invited to attend a Steelers/Ravens tussle at M&T Bank Stadium -- and the invitation means that you'll be viewing the event from Suite 369 -- it's never wise for you to be wearing your Steeler #67 Duval Love jersey while she wears her Steeler #28 Chris Hope jersey.

It's not because you'll be hanged in effigy once inside the luxury box -- it's because you might get lynched on the way to that luxury box.

That's because, sometimes, unenlightened people see only the big, bold 67 or the 28 while refusing to acknowledge the yellow lettering across the back.

LOVE
And HOPE ...
Alas, this is what happens when your FUAMATU-MA'AFALA 45 jersey is at the dry cleaners.

Or when you never got around to buying one.

Anyway, it was mighty neighborly of J-Bliz (no one really calls him that) to allow a pro-Steeler element into his purple nook of the noisiest (read: "noisiest" ... not "loudest") stadium in the NFL (a large % of that noise is artificial).

It might've seemed symbolic, in some sense, to be there in Suite 369 when the Steelers were losing, 3-9, and then 6-9 (it's fun, sometimes, to put the losing score first) -- except we weren't there in 369 when the score turned from 3-9 to 6-9 ... and, subsequently, we didn't get a very good look at the controversial Santonio Holmes reception on the goal line.

We were 10-12 miles away.
On the interstate.
Returning to the Honeycomb Hideout, which is our usual viewing outpost for all football matters black-n'-gold.

We had to ditch the scene after that zany punt return late in the 3rd (+14 on the muff by Santonio, +18 on the ricochet of said muff by Keyaron Fox) was negated by that zany bobble/muff/volley/juggle by Big Ben on the first play of the 4th.

Ol' #7 looked merely pedestrian in person before the DVR showed a different Big Ben operating with precision during the 2-minute drill.

It figures ...

In between cuttin' out early and arriving at Ground Control, we opted not to bother with satellite radio ... because doing so would've involved us with one of two elements:

1) Either Ravens broadcaster Gerry Sandusky providing his trademark (and super-lame) "the hay is in the barn!" when the outcome seems irreversibly pro-Raven or 2) Steelers play-by-play guy Bill Hillgrove sneak-attacking with another "failure to I.D." -- which is exactly what happened with the call of the Steeler D clinching the W ("Intercepted! The Steelers have it, they're gonna run it out and this one is going, going, gone!")

True ... Bill-Hill usually gets around to eventually I.D.ing the player (today: William Gay with the INT in the end zone of the desperation heave by Flacco) but, what's wrong with turning eventually into immediately?

The Charger win was an awesome example:
"Intercepted! Running with the football a Steeler defender!"

Toonch ... hand Bill your binoculars.
Then, hand him a roster ...

Hay and Gay notwithstanding, it was a treat to re-visit the building where the Steelers were winners during their first 5 visits, but had lost 5 in a row here since (twice on Stover FGs in OT).

Ahh, the memories ... such as the inaugural game in '98 ... a 20-13 Steeler victory in the '98 season opener ... a game tarnished by a poor center snap in punt formation from Ravens long-snapper Harper LeBel which set up the Steelers with a 1st-n'-goal inside the 10.

They say y'never forget a poor center snap from somebody named Harper LeBel, particularly when it occurs in the first-ever (regular-season) game inside a football stadium which was once named for a now-defunct company (PSI.net).

Those commercials with Chris Noth ... didn't move the needle, apparently.

Of course, Harper LeBel's errant snap is a defense mechanism some of us use to block out certain unpleasant memories ... such as when you're mindin' your own beeswax and that loudmouth asks ya where ya got your gray t-shirt w/ the traditional stencil-style Steelers logo ... but, he isn't really waitin' for an answer 'cuz he says, "Do they sell those in men's sizes?" -- and then you immediately fire back with, "Sure ... you can probably get one in a size that'll fit your boyfriend there" as you nod in the direction of the guy who appears to be either his son or a date he selected from the NAMBLA personals).

All the analysts and experts were surprised by the immediacy of the comeback, not to mention impressed by the fact that the Costanza/Jerk Store Application delivered w/o any references to that guy's inability to satisfy a woman with such a tiny dick.

We've come a long way in Steeler-Raven relations in 10 years -- but, that doesn't explain that guy who was walking ahead of us while wearing a Steelers jersey with DANISH 43 on the back.

It wasn't worth stoppin' him to ask if he was from Denmark ... or if he a DANISH 43 jersey was a replacement for when the Feds busted in and confiscated those counterfeit ROTHLISBURGER 7 jerseys which have proliferated the black market.

Besides, we were on our way to see the Unitas Statue ... the sculpture of Johnny U. with the oversized package which nobody talks about.

It's no way to treat an icon, but it's always good for a laugh.

"At the end of the day," our Unitas Statues of America are a better place when it's the Steelers, not the Ravens, clinching the AFC North and a first-round playoff bye.

It's impressive (since B'More had spent the past 2 mos. goin' 7-1, winning those seven by an average score of 32-11), but it's also amusing because the Steelers aren't 'sposed to be 11-3 heading into the Titan tussle which lies ahead -- not with an OL which went from LT - Smith / LG - Faneca / C - Mahan / RG - Simmons / RT - Colon to LT - Starks / LG - Kemoeatu / C - Hartwig / RG - Stapleton / RT - Colon.

And, don't forget the loss of long-snapper Chris Warren.

Also ... Darnell StapleWho?

There's simply NO WAY a team should be this good after losing the perennial All-Pro (Faneca) to free agency and then vets such as Smith and Simmons to injury early in the season.

Apparently, Coach Tomlin wasn't blowin' smoke up our skirt after the first win over the Ravens -- after Simmons tore his Achilles and Mendenhall fractured his shoulder blade -- when he said, "It is only devastating if you allow it to be."

b

Sooner/Steeler Overlap ('Pokes n' Pats)

It's always a little wacky when the Sooner/Steeler Overlap grips us especially tight with some kooky hijinks which we didn't see coming.

Thanks a lot, Frank Alexander and Lawrence Timmons.

Extra-hard helmet slaps for those two ...

LOOK ... nobody's ever bothered to explain it with eloquence (maybe because it's inexplicable), but there's something extremely cool and very unique about linebackers and/or D-linemen when they've got the football tucked under one arm as they sprint in the open field (Y2K calls sprinting in the open field: "running downhill" ... "in space").

When the above happens, we can't help but set the expressions on our faces to: ASTONISHED.

Though we know we shouldn't be surprised.

Let's face it: Linebackers are unquestionably the most-versatile people on the field (speed-rush the QB, shed blockers, stuff the run, drop into coverage, block a kick now and then, save the bacon of the D-line or the DBs), so we oftentimes find ourselves connecting with our inner-"hip-hip-hooray" (or our inner-"fuckin'-A!") when we see the LB INT and the subsequent showcase of better-than-average speed, quality juking skills or both.

LBs need those rewards ...

Last night, Frank Alexander had a clear, unobstructed path to the end zone because most of the players were entangled and piled up inside the 5-yard line when he scooped up the fumble near the 10 and went off to the races.

Indeed ... it's a real thrill when you're spending an Oklahoma Sweatshirt Saturday night watchin' Frank Alexander chug the length of the field in Stillwater while returning that fumble for 2 pts. for OU which made the score 23-19 when it looked as though we might be lookin' at 21-21 ... and then you're noticin' that Frankie wears the same number as receiver Quentin Chaney -- who, it appears, is under-used these days (maybe he's injured?) -- and then you catch yourself wund'rin' why an ESPN roster lists Manuel Johnson as #22 when he wears #1 and why an Oklahoma Sooners quote-unquote "official site" has Dominique Franks listed as #1 when he wears #15 ... which is the same number that backup QB Joey Halzle of Huntington Beach also wears ... the same number which J.T. Thatcher wore with such pride when he was winning the Mosi Tatupu Award as the nation's top special-teams player (an award which now longer exists) for the '00 National Champion Sooner Schooner.

It was Nick Bakay who once taught us that "the numbers never lie" -- and, even though Jermaine Gresham wears the same number as '03 Heisman Trophy winner Jason White, we must remember that there are concepts which extend beyond the numbers.

Such as the moment when, on the possession following OU's theft of OSU's 2 pts., Gresham gathered in the rebound of that Sam Bradford pass which ricocheted off Juaquin Iglesias ("tip drill!") and gracefully strode the remaining 50-some-odd yards for the TD which put 'em up, 30-21.

For 6-6/270 (or thereabouts), Gresham moves about the field as though he's somewhere in the range of 6-3/235 (or thereabouts).

He's very fluid.

And probably better than two-time consensus All-America TE Keith Jackson as the best in school history.

Is that sacrilege?
If it is ... tough shit, y'know?

Speaking of what's fluid, people who made the fluid transition from their Sooner Saturday Sweatshirt to their Steeler Sunday Sweatshirt probably did so only because they maybe aren't blessed enough to have a SOONERS 18 jersey to slip off before slipping into a TIMMONS 94 jersey.

Timmons -- like Alexander and Gresham -- put his "breakaway speed" on display during a non-critical juncture of a 33-10 victory in Foxboro (or Foxburrow or however they're spelling it this year).

Since the Steelers were up, 26-10, the D was merely trying to prevent a window-dressing TD that would benefit Fantasy knobs who were aroused by Cassel's previous-game efforts vs. The NYJ (400 yds.) and the Miamammals (415-yds.).

Fine outings, but, ooopsie daisy, Mr. Chatsworth High, that ain't Reseda or Canoga Park you're playin'.

So, a slightly tardy delivery on a RB quick-out that Kevin Faulk was running ... ACCESS DENIED! ACCESS DENIED!

Timmons -- who ranks as a quality, modern-day "L.T." in the NFL food chain somewhere between LaDanian Tomlinson and Lawrence Tynes -- -- rode Faulk's hip smartly then used a powerful burst to "close" on the ball and pluck it for the INT at the 10-yd. line.

We all thought that he was "off to the races" down the near sideline, but, Timmons' coast-to-coast gallop was destroyed 1 yd. shy of 90-yd. glory when Ben Watson dragged down L.T. The LB (it sure as hell looked as though the ball BROKE THE PLANE when his knee touched, goddammit).

Maybe God was punishing Timmons for not simply lowering his shoulder and bowling over Watson inside the 5, causing the Pats TE to land on his kiester in the end zone.

Or maybe God was punishing Timmons because Ryan Clark threw a crappy, quasi-brushblock on Watson near the 15-yd. line.

Or maybe God, as He usually does, was listening to the Steelers radio broadcast on satellite radio and maybe He got pissed when L.T. made the interception and then Tunch orgasmed into the mike with an "uh!" at the 14-yd. line, an "uh!" at the 25-yd. line and an "uh!" at the 31-yd. line.

No word on when exactly Tunch climaxed ... and, now that ya mention it, wasn't Watson the Pat who ran down Champ Bailey on that controversial 100-yd. INT ret. in the playoffs 3 yrs. ago at Mile High? True ... Champ probably DID lose possession of the ball shy of the goal line, blah blah blah ... but, since it negatively impacted Belichick and Brady, everything's cool ... )

Before anybody prepares to release a Timmons Tragedy report, it might be wiser to take a moment and salute the player with the longest INT return by an LB in the Steelers' glorious 76-yr. history.

But, wait!
There seems to be a discrepancy!

On pg. 332 of the Steelers 2008 Media Guide, the longest interceptions in team history are listed as:

99t Martin Kottler (9/27/33 vs. Chicago Cardinals)
91 Jack Hinkle (10/9/43 vs. New York Giants)
86t Glen Edwards (9/30/73 at Houston)
84 Joey Porter (9/15/02 vs. Oakland)
82t Jim Bradshaw (10/24/65 at Philadelphia)
82t Tony Compagno (11/7/48 at Green Bay)
81 Russ Craft (10/17/54 vs. Cleveland)
80 Bill Dudley (11/3/46 vs. Washington)

However, on pg. 407, the INTs of at least 80 yds. are listed as:

1. Martin Kottler (9/27/33 vs. Chicago Cardinals) 99t
2. Glen Edwards (9/30/73 at Houston) 86t
3. Tony Compagno (11/7/48 at Green Bay) 82t
4. Russ Craft (10/17/54 vs. Cleveland) 81

On the second list, there's no Hinkle (Jack, not Bryan), J-Peazy, Bradshaw (not the famous one) or Bullet Bill Dudley.

Something's terribly amiss.

**Addendum to the tangent of the sidebar: Not many fans of the Black N' Gold remember that the longest INT ret. vs. the Steelers was that 100-yd.er by the Raiders Chris Carr (because it occurred during that game we've all tried to forget ... the L to the eventual 2-14 OakTown team two seasons ago), but some of us have discovered that a fantastic ice-breaker at parties (and a fun-fact which'll get chicks into bed lickety-split) is any time you reference the two SHORTEST TD-interception runbacks vs. the Steelers ... both times, Neil O'Donnell was the victim ... during games one month apart in '95 -- first, when the Bears' Barry Minter returned that O'Donnell INT 2 yds. for a TD in a game which the Steelers won, 37-34, at Soldier Field then, one month later in Oakland (in the Raiders' first season back in the East Bay after 13 seasons in L.A.), Aundray Bruce intercepted O'Donnell and returned it 1 yd. for a TD in a game which the Steelers won, 29-10 ... but, there's not much more detail to provide, given that O'Donnell -- with one of the lowest INT/att. ratios in NFL history -- threw two more bizarre INTs later that season ... in the same game ... to a nobody named Larry Brown, who is definitely not to be confused with THE REAL Larry Brown who was wearin' #87 as a TE catchin' a TD pass in the Steelers' first Super Bowl and then was the #79 RT Larry Brown in Super Bowls XIII and XIV ...

"Shortest INT-return-TDs" usually live in an off-the-wall neighborhood not found in most media guides -- yet, when they are excluded from a media guide as if they are a Bullet Bill Dudley pick-off, we're sad.


We're sadder still when we consider the meticulous work required to assemble a media guide and notice a Super Bowl X recap on pg. 321.


The photo on the page is of Mel Blount and Steve Furness converging on Tony Dorsett.

The problem with that, as we know, is that in Jan. '76, Dorsett had just completed his junior season at Pitt.

He hadn't even won the Heisman yet (punch line: Good thing it wasn't a photo of Greg Lloyd sacking Steve Pelluer, ha ha ... ).

Goddammit, kids ... this is the Steelers' media guide, not the CinShitnati BenGirls media guide.

These errors and omissions make it difficult to earn the trust of the end-user.

(Huh?)

Anyway, with all the havoc that James Harrison and LaMarr Woodley create as OLBs in the 3-4 ... and with the steady play of ILBs Farrior and Foote, sometimes ya forget that Timmons is a passing-down LB who's slowly but surely gaining our trust as the '07 first-round selection.

And, Ben Watson?
Who gives a shit?

Aside from his tackle which only delayed the inevitable (a Gary Russell TD), he looked mighty weak when attempting to reel in that high-but-catchable pass which bounced off his hands and into the waiting arms of Troy Polamalu for the drive-killing INT.

THAT turnover DID matter since the score at the time was 23-10 ... and the potential for a 23-17 score with six or seven minutes to play could've made matters VERY interesting.

But, 5 turnovers in the second half of a game which was 10-10 at halftime ... fatal! (thanks to a pair of dandy sack-strips by the ferocious guy in the HARRISON 92 jersey).

It's kinda weird when we remind ourselves that Harrison wears the same number as the Steelers' all-time sacks leader (Jason Gildon) and Timmons wears Chad Brown's #94.

Yet, when it comes to classic numbers, a lot of us were having Paul Ernster withdrawal when we didn't see him wearing his #5 jersey as he stood in punt formation in the drizzle n' cold in Fucksboro today.

Alas, Paul Ernster is merely a memory now ... a 3-game fill-in who might've lasted longer in the Steel City if only he'd dialed into his inner COLQUITT 5 and not made a spectacle of himself in the swirly-snow during that Thurs.-niter vs. CinShitnati 10 days ago.

Five punts for a 28-yd. avg.

Whereas he seemingly had won our hearts when he double-handedly took down the Chargers with his professional handling of the long snap from Jared Retkofsky (placing the ball on the damp, semi-frozen lawn, turning the laces to face Retkofsky's arse and using two fingers on his left hand to hold the ball at its highest point as Jeff Reed's foot swung through), that act in itself is probably not justification for those of us who were considering it to purchase and then wear around town an ERNSTER 5 jersey.

Ernster or no, what we're wondering now is whether what we saw today was a preview of a future AFC playoff showdown. Granted, the Steelers get their shot at the formidable-looking Titans (11-1) three rrrrrweeks from now, but if the Black N' Gold goes 2-2 vs. Dallas, Baltimore, Tenn. and Cleveland, what will 11-5 mean to the postseason?

They've already lost to the Giants and Colts at Heinz ... and that's where last season ended w/ a first-round KO vs. Jax.

Does home field matter?
It didn't three yrs. ago.

Well, this weekend is in the books ... the Sooners beating the Cowboys and the Steelers tuning up for the Cowboys.

Damn right, there's overlap, even if the Cowboys retired #12 for Roger Stauback and Okie State has yet to do the same for the #12 worn by QB legends Rusty Hilger, Mike Gundy and Asoteletangafamosili Pogi.

And, let's not forget Okie State's importance in the Steelers cosmos -- for it is the university which gave us Jon Kolb (LT in four Super Bowl wins ... and THE all-time Steelers #55, sorry, J-Peazy) as well as Jason Gildon (career sack leader w/ 77).

[HEY ... we had to put Aso Pogi's name in there ... because we forgot to mention how the Sooner OL neutralized Tonga Tea yesterday ... ]

b

L'Estasi Dell Undici-Dieci

Gambling degenerates and Fantasy League chumps didn't appreciate the artistic beauty of the first-ever 11-10 final score in NFL history, established today at Heinz Field (of course).

Then again, those are the same knuckleheads who failed to embrace the beauty of this, the first meeting of Troy Polamalu and LaDanian Tomlinson on the playing field since the nationwide release of those Nike TV ads which feature the montage of the Steeler safety and the Charger tailback as they progress from hyperactive tykes to NFL superstardom.

Predictably, 99.4 percent of the gambling/Fantasy bedwetting riff-raff have no clue that Ennio Morricone's "L'ESTASI DELL'ORO" is the background music for those TV promos which culminate with a collision between the two -- in a sportsmanlike manner (of course).

'Cuz that's what Nike's about.

Sportsmanship ...

Fair play ...

Just doin' it ...

And payin' Ennio Morricone a hefty royalty check (goddammit) for borrowing something he composed for "The Good, The Bad & The Ugly."

It seems fitting that Nike would opt for a song which translates to "The Ecstasy of Gold" as the anthem for a 15-second ad, although some of us old-schoolers would've found it gratifying if Ennio Morricone -- who finally won an honorary Academy Award last year -- had told the ad wizards hired by Nike, "I'm not for sale, you motherless sons of bitches!"

Or, if Ennio had crossed up everybody by selling the rights to "Due Contro Cinque" instead of "L'Estasi Dell'Oro."

Hell, in this mixed-up world of music publishing rights, etc., Ennio Morricone quite likely hasn't owned the rights to "L'Estasi Dell'Oro" for 20 or 30 years.

It's probably the property of General Motors for all we know.

Still, that doesn't give Nike the right to play God with music which this world has always associated with the greatest Western ever made.

Once we allow Nike to go unchecked, before ya know it, we're seeing Tuco (Eli Wallach) running full speed through the Sand Hill Cemetery, searching desperately to find the grave with the name ARCH STANTON on it -- and, instead of seeing Tuco wearing a pair of dusty-and-tattered boots, we notice that he has a brand new pair of Air Jordans (or whichever Nikes the CGI wizards deemed appropriate for that scene as the music -- with trumpets blaring furiously -- builds to its crescendo, Tuco on an adrenaline high with the prospect of locating the $200,000 of Confederate gold).

We've previously addressed the concept of "crossover" when it comes to our favorite NFL or MLB teams playing on the same day, etc. -- although it's rare when our favorite players and our favorite movies intersect (unless you're a loser who's into Keanu Reeves and you believe that his sissy-girl, football-throwin' in either "Point Break" or "The Replacements" validates his movie existence as either ex-Ohio State quarterback Johnny Utah or ex-Ohio State quarterback Shane Falco ... or maybe you're somebody who's more into O.J. Simpson in either "Capricorn One" or "The Towering Inferno" before he was Norberg in "The Naked Gun" movies).

It makes ya laugh (or scratch yer head) how a Jewish guy (Eli Wallach) playin' a Mexican bandit (Tuco) is cast with hundreds of Italians in a spaghetti western filmed in Spain.

Eli Wallach was a pro's pro, though ... and if Nike had any real clout, Eli Wallach would've won the Oscar as Best Actor (not merely in a "supporting" role, either ... seriously, he outshined Clint in that movie, like it or not) in '68.

OH, SHIT ... the game!

Look ... all we're saying is that there's no reason to act all nutso over the fact that Polamalu's TD on the game's final play was disallowed.

Some insane-yet-creative reffing allowed to stand the first-ever 11-10 final in the history (from what CBS told us) of the league's previous 12,837 games.

Nobody said if those 12,837 included today's contests -- and the only time we remember any NFL team landing on "11" as a winner or a loser was in the NFC Championship Game almost 10 years ago when the Rams got the late TD to turn a 6-5 deficit into an 11-6 victory.

Of course, that's the painful punchline which everybody will use for the next several days ... that this was Pirates-Padres in a baseball score, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, yadda yadda, yakkety yak ...

WE GET IT ALREADY!

11-10 looks/sounds/feels like a baseball score ...

(Question: Since 92.5 percent of all NFL games are 10-7 at halftime -- when they aren't 13-3 or 7-6 -- shouldn't it be mandated somewhere that all of THOSE scores receive baseball-score certification? "Philadelphia leads Chicago, 7-3? What, did Ryan Howard hit a home run off of Carlos Zambrano? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ..." Oh, the hilarity!)

Well, for those of us who didn't drop $500 on Pittsburgh-minus-5, we're just thrilled that after last week's aggravation against Indy that this one was decided by a perfect pass from long snapper Jared Retkofsky (#61) to holder Paul Ernster (#5) who cleanly set the ball on its tip and turned the laces away from Jeff Reed for the winning kick.

When a play ends in a tidy and happy fashion as that one did, it's obvious why Dirk McGirder (who some people still unwisely call "Steely McBeam") has broken out his wide smile.

It's because Jared Retkofsky and Paul Ernster are slowly-but-surely earning the trust of Dirk McGirder.

As per those gambling junkies and Fantasy addicts, the only ones who won't be all pissy and PMS-ey for the rest of tonight all throughout tomorrow are those who had the "road dog" Chargers-plus-5 or those who collected points for Big Ben's 300-plus yards or for Fast Willie's 100-plus yards.

And then there's the rest of us who appreciated the game for the array of offerings -- from the amazing (Polamalu's diving-on-the-snowy-turf, one-handed, fingertip-scoop INT in the first quarter) to the agonizing (Mewelde Moore gettin' thoroughly ass-whooped when the left side of the Steelers' OL got blown up "at the point of attack" on 4th-and-goal at the 1 for the second week in a row).

That winning drive was cool, though ... and it sent the Chargers to 0-13 all-time during the regular-season in Pittsburgh (as Western Time Zone teams dipped to 0-11 this season in games played in the Eastern Time Zone) -- and it was a nice bounceback following last week's result, when the Colts snapped their 40-year losing streak in Pittsburgh.

The game wasn't all that well-played (who the flock was Rivers throwing to on that pass that James Harrison INT'ed at the S.D. 10 late in the first half???) -- and those sound bytes of Bill Hillgrove indicate that the contest wasn't very well-broadcast, either (on the Harrison pickoff: "Intercepted! Running with the football a Steeler defender!" -- you cannot be serious, William. It's #92 and it's not Jason Gildon, so do the frickin' math, Ace ... and do it before Tunch has an orgasm into the microphone, okay? ... ).

Nothwitstanding some of the unsightliness leading up to it, there were some interesting moments and high drama at the end.

Those are real plusses.

Nevertheless, the outcry tomorrow will be intense ... and widespread ... as America tries to reconcile the injustice of a nonsensical final play.

It'll be a full-blown, he-said/she-said ...

Was it a forward lateral from Tomlinson to Chambers?

Does it really matter?

By the very capricious nature of the sport itself and with the arbitrary nature of the zebras which govern it, we should be thankful that every game doesn't end with a 7-car pileup.

But, some of us ain't sweatin' it.

'Cuz this one's a "W" -- and now it's time to prepare for CinSHITnati in that Thurs. niter, which'll be the Steeelers' third home game in 11 days.

There's bigger fish to fry than worrying about periphery issues such as the NFL refs.

After all, when asked our opinion on the matter of NFL officials, some of us answer a question with a question, such as: "The first woodwind sound we hear on "L'Estasi Dell'Oro" ... is that a clarinet or an oboe -- or is it the contra bassoon?"

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President Oprah's Pledge: College Football Playoffs! (and free cigarettes!)

Now that America has finally elected a Kenyan-American as its next president (as a precursor to Sixto Lezcano becoming our first Puerto Rican president in 2016), it's up to this "leader" -- as the new Grand Marshal in this Tournament of Roses Parade which we call USA! USA! -- to put his money where his campaign rhetoric is.

In his final interview before yesterday's so-called "historic" Election Tuesday, President-Elect Oprah flashed that championship AquaFresh smile during halftime of MNF and told Berman (of the Disneyland Football Channel) that the time has come for a college football playoff system for the big-boy teams above the minor-league teams such as Appalachian State and Slippery Rock.

When America heard those words, one half of the nation said, "Fo shizzle, ma nizzle" -- and the other half responded with, "In God, we be trustin'."

Actually, America's response might've been the expression of surprise that Berman didn't call him "Barack The Casbah" Obama -- because, Lord knows, nobody stirs the pot of outdated concepts/events/people (even though we all appreciate that final album, "Combat Rock," circa 1982, from the Clash -- "the only band that matters") more than the non-athletic Berman, who our Muslim adversaries abhor not just because he might be pushing a pro-Zionist agenda, but more because he's a non-athlete who might, without warning, break into a highlight of himself holing out from 17 feet or on stage with Huey Lewis.

Look ... nobody's sayin' that 9/11 was Berman's fault.
But, he ain't helpin', y'know?

Before we get caught up in semantics, let's remember that President-Elect Oprah and his AquaFresh smile didn't exactly "endorse" a college-football-playoff platform.
It was more like: "Gee, playoffs would be swell."

He sounded about as non-committal (in politicalese, that's called "on the fence") as he seems to be about quitting smoking ("giving up cigarettes would be swell. Put that on my to-do list ...") -- or as about as vexed as much of White America is that the leftist-guerrilla media downplays the white mama aspect.

(The Black America which isn't pro-Obama might be categorizing him as an Oreo ... in probably the same manner in which most of Black America never embraced a Republican ex-QB named J.C. Watts because a black "Republican" means that he's probably a white dude dressed up as a black guy ... or he's an Uncle Tom or whatever buzzwords they're usin' nowadays to denounce a politician who won't allow a 15-year-old to abort her fetus on the sidewalk in broad daylight while she's freebasing this week's welfare check ... )

One of the most-classic President Oprah tributes occurred during a spin around the TV dial when we noticed that chunky black-chick/co-host on "The View" (the one who's not Whoopi ... or Star Jones ... the other one ... whose name we don't know) recapped the outcome by sobbing to America that she was now able to tell her son, "There are no limitations ... no lim(sob)uhhh(sob)tay-shins ..."

Somebody needs to tell Mama and little Je'Quan that the only way that the people who run this country (the gun lobby, the tobacco lobby) are gonna notice his limitless potential is if he runs a 4.23 40 and receives the recommendation of Mel Kiper's Bouffant that he can "make plays in space."

No limmm-uhhh-tayyy-shins ... well, that is, unless your name is Ellen Degeneres and you wake up to find that Election Day wasn't so kind to you ... and Prop. 8 sez that your homosexual marriage is void.

America has spoken, Ellen -- and all throughout the land, we're celebrating with a "breakfast of champions" consisting of a piping-hot plate of Uncle Ben's Converted Rice coated with generous, squirt-bottle applications of Aunt Jemimah syrup.

Except for Ellen and Portia -- who are eating cold, overcooked Minute Rice drenched in Log Cabin.

As it so happens, America, apparently, isn't ready for gay marriage any more than it's ready for a playoff system for Div. I-A teams, despite the wishful thinking, casual suggestions and handfuls of pinwheels and lollipops from our President-Elect with a mama who's as white as his Pepsodent smile.

What the future holds, it would seem, is some vital legislation.

Or an arm-wrestling match between Elijah Mohamed and Jesus Christ (the Jesus w/ the Afro who looks like Dr. J., not the bearded, white-boy, hippie Jesus).

Event to be staged at a neutral site ...
Not in Nazareth or in Mecca ...
Maybe at the RCA Dome ...

It is fascinating to note that Black Prez w/ His White Mom won the election during a football season in which we lost two more black head football coaches in the college ranks (Tyrone Willingham and Ron Prince) and we might be losing three black NFL coaches by the end of this season (on the chopping block: Marvin, Herman, Romeo).

Football, as we've learned, is a great equalizer -- and it's impressive to see the sport re-evolve with the return of the white-boy tailback (i.e. Stanford's Toby Gerhart and Kansas' Jake Sharp to name two collegians ... plus NFL rookies Jacob Hester from LSU and Peyton Hillis from Arkansas).

That's for you, Ed Podolak ...

This is real progress for America -- black prez, white tailback. For years, white Americans were viewed only as Madison Hedgecock-type fullbacks who needed to clear a path for the flashier black players who would be sleeping with the white groupies after the game.

Now, the power may be shifting.

Because of President-Elect Oprah.

If only he could do something about bringing home Caylee ...

It's not a major request, given how we've outlawed black football coaches, outlawed lipstick lesbians who want more outta life than to star in quality chick-on-chick porn and brought honor back to Whitey who wants to tote the rock.

While we're addressing half-Kenyans who ascend to the highest office in the land, maybe it's time to deliver some reparations to the tune of several billion $$$ to several dozen Native American nations who might've suffered certain injustices at the hands of Whitey and the bruthuhs who built their football stadiums on the land which was stolen from the natives.

It's about President-Elect Oprah using the white side of his brain rather than the Kenyan color of his skin to get things done.

After all, one of the top college QBs in the nation -- Oklahoma's Sam Bradford -- is part Cherokee.

Is it not time to reserve the right to reverse the wrongs perpetrated against Native American QBs, such as Sonny Sixkiller?

We're all in the same tribe -- so sayeth those of us who've purchased numerous cartons of smokes from the Tuscarora Indians in western N.Y.

The natives make 'em damn fine cigarette, but unless there's something stronger inside than tobacco, it's foolish to vote in elections where one of the candidates has a smile a mile wide, but less tangible political pull and charisma than our fave African leader of all-time -- SHAKA ZULU.

Another thing: How insane is it to cast a ballot for a candidate whose cabinet we don't know and cannot predict?

If President Oprah names Mussolini's grandson as his Secretary of State, that would be harmful. Of greater harm would be if President Oprah allows ex-First Lady Clinton and her hillbilly husband, Bubba, anywhere near the Oval Office.

For some of us, it ain't about whether the new Prez is a black dude -- after all, MLK taught us that we're not 'sposed to judge based on the color of one's skin, but, rather, based on the content of his character.

If he can't lead like LeBron and legislate like Shaka Zulu, then there's nuthin' all that "historic" about this election.

Isn't that right City of Detroit? How's yer black mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, workin' out?

Seems like he might be a man of the people, but not really for the people. And with a name like "Kilpatrick," nobody is really sure if he embraces his Irish heritage the way that, say, Shaquille O'Neal does.

Anyway, the next four years are gonna be swell, America ... the left-wing media's gonna forget to remind that President Oprah's mama is white -- and President Oprah's gonna hope nobody remembers his "Gee, college football playoffs would be swell" remark.

Let the "lookin'-the-other-way" begin now.

That's how we get the economy turned around and lessen our involvement in unwinnable Middle East-conflicts.

Empty rhetoric, however, makes for a bloody and pointless Papajohns.com Bowl ...

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