Friday, January 16, 2009

Steelers/Ravens Pree: Classic He Said, She Said

THE CHALLENGE IS ALWAYS UNIQUE -- ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU LIVE IN THE RAVENS QUADRANT OF THE RUSTBELT SECTOR OF THE MID-ATLANTIC CORRIDOR.

AS PER THE INCLINATION OF CERTAIN NATIVES, THEY OCCASIONALLY ATTEMPT TO RATTLE THE CAGE OF A PRO-STEELERS MILITIAMAN WITH SOME TIMID-AND-TEPID "WATCH OUT!" WARNING SIGNS.

MOST OF THE TIME, YOU SAY TO THOSE PEOPLE THE SAME THING THAT ONE SHEPHERD SAID TO THE OTHER SHEPHERD ... "GET THE FLOCK OUTTA HERE!"


HEY, WHEN YOU'RE A VETERAN OF 37 STEELER AUTUMNS OF FURY, YOU TAKE IT IN STRIDE, ALTHOUGH YOU CONFESS THAT YOU'D MUCH RATHER BE A STEELERS FAN IN THE RAVENS QUADRANT THAN A RAVENS FAN NEAR "THE CONFLUENCE."

IT'S DIFFICULT TO IMAGINE THAT ANY RAVENS FANS ARE ALLOWED TO LIVE BEHIND ENEMY LINES W/O EVENTUALLY ENDING UP AT THE BOTTOM OF THE MONONGAHELA ... OR WITH THEIR SKULL WEDGED UNDER A GUARD RAIL INSIDE FT. PITT TUNNEL ... OR SLAIN-AND-HALF-NAKED FACEDOWN IN THE WEEDS AT THE BASE OF THE DUQUESNE INCLINE.

WHY, JUST LOOKIT WHAT THE YOUNG PITTSBURGH MAYOR, LUKE RAVENSTAHL, WAS FORCED TO DO -- CHANGE HIS NAME. AS ANY POLITICIAN WOULD DO, HE'S TELLING US AT THE 3RD PERIOD ASSEMBLY INSIDE THE GYM THAT HE'S DOING THIS BECAUSE HE'S GOT SCHOOL SPIRIT AND THAT HE'S PRO-STEELER ("woo! woo!").

BUT MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE RAY LEWIS' "PEOPLE" THREATENED TO KILL MR. RAVENSTAHL'S FAMILY.

WE CAN NEVER KNOW ... AND THERE'S BEEN NO WORD YET AS TO HOW The Stillers -- JERRY STILLER (TV'S FRANK COSTANZA AND ARTHUR SPOONER) AND HOLLYWOOD'S BEN STILLER (GAYLORD FOCKER, DEREK ZOOLANDER) -- PLAN TO RETALIATE.

SENSELESS VIOLENCE ASIDE, THE NON-SLEEPYHEADS OUT THERE HAVE NOTICED THAT THIS IS THE 14TH TIME IN THESE 37 SEASONS (1972-2008) IN WHICH THE STEELERS HAVE PLAYED A SUNDAY GAME WHEN A VICTORY MEANS A BERTH IN THE SUPER BOWL (WHICH REALLY MAKES YA WONDER WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A CHIEFS FAN OR A BROWNS FAN OR A BEARS FAN OR A JETS FAN OR A VIKINGS FAN ... BY THE END OF EVERY JANUARY, THEY'RE OUT THERE, ON THE LEDGE 15 OR 16 STORIES ABOVE THE STREET, PONDERING THEIR LIVES -- "Should I jump?" -- BUT, THEN, BY MISMANAGING THE PLAY CLOCK, THEY END UP BURNING A TIMEOUT INSTEAD OF TAKING THE 5-YARD PENALTY).

NOTWITHSTANDING THE FACT THAT THE STEELERS WERE SO DAMN CLOSE ("this close!") TO PLAYING IN 13 OF THE PREVIOUS 36 SUPER BOWLS (INSTEAD OF ONLY 6), THE OVER-ANALYSIS THIS TIME RIVALS ANYTHING THAT MARK MALONE COULD DREAM UP ON "EDGE NFL MATCHUP" (jeez ... it's not the same w/o Mark Malone and Edge Shaving Cream ... Mark Malone was smoother than the smooth gin in a G-N'-T ... ).

ON THE HE-SAID/SHE-SAID SCALE OF MATTERS, WE'LL HEAR THAT "IT'S DIFFICULT TO BEAT A TEAM THREE TIMES IN THE SAME SEASON" -- ONE OF THE MOST-RECENT EXAMPLES OCCURRING LAST YEAR WHEN THE COWBOYS' TWO REGULAR-SEASON VICTORIES OVER THE GIANTS DIDN'T EARN THEM ANY FAVOUR WITH THE FOOTBALL GODS AS THE G-MEN, THEREFORE, WON THE PLAYOFF CONTEST.

TWISTED HISTORICAL DATA SUCH AS THAT SERVES NO PURPOSE ... AND IT USUALLY ELICTS A GREAT, BIG "GET THE FLOCK OUTTA HERE!"

THE '08 STEELERS AREN'T SOFT AND PRETTY LIKE THE '07 COWBOYS ... AND THE '08 STEELERS AREN'T BANGED-UP AND GIMPY LIKE THE '07 STEELERS WHICH ALLOWED THE '07 JAGS (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE '08 JAGS) TO INVADE MARCH INTO HEINZ AND THEN MARCH OUT WITH AN UNPRECEDENTED SECOND WIN OF THE SEASON.

BOTTOM LINE: THEY AREN'T PLAYING THREE GAMES ON SUNDAY ... IT'S ONLY ONE. AND THERE WAS A STAT SOMEWHERE A FEW DAYS AGO WHICH STATED THAT WHEN THE STEELERS HAVE PLAYED A TEAM IN THE PLAYOFFS WHICH THEY'VE MET TWICE ALREADY DURING THE REGULAR SEASON, THEY'RE 7-0 (SEE '70S OILERS OR, MORE RECENTLY, '01 RAVENS, '02 BROWNS OR '05 WHO-DEY-GONNA-BEAT-THEM-BENGALS.

THE GOOD THING ABOUT HISTORY IS THAT IT CANCELS ITSELF OUT WHEN NEW HISTORY IS BEING WRITTEN ... HISTORY THAT'S HISTORICAL, SUCH AS JAMES HARRISON AND LaMARR WOODLEY AIMIN' TO DE-COMMISSION JOE FLACCO.

WE CANNOT RELY ON RECENT TRENDS BECAUSE THE HE-SAID IS: "FAST WILLIE HAD A BIG GAME AGAINST THE CHARGERS LAST WEEK ... AND THE RAVENS' RUN DEFENSE LOOKED SOFT VS. TENNESSEE" ... BUT THE SHE-SAID IS: "WILLIE PARKER'S FAST, BUT HE'S NOT CHRIS JOHNSON FAST. BESIDES, FAST WILLIE NEVER HAS A GOOD GAME AGAINST THE RAVENS ... "

AND, SO IT GOES ... ON N' ON ... 'ROUND N' ROUND ... BACK N' FORTH ... GIVE N' TAKE ... PUSH N' SHOVE ...

WE COULD PROBABLY DO THIS ALL DAY -- BUT THEN WE'D BE STOPPED DEAD IN OUR TRACKS THE VERY MOMENT THAT THE QUIETEST (BUT DEADLIEST) RAVENS FAN WE KNOW ("THE MIGHTY T.O.C.") POINTS TO THE COVER OF THE SPORTS ILLUSTRATED WHICH HIT THE STREETS TODAY (THE JAN. 19 ISSUE WITH THE ACCOMPANYING CAPTION: LIVING LARGE ... NFL PLAYOFFS: WHO CAN STOP THE STEELERS? ... W/ THE COVER ART FEATURING SANTONIO HOLMES AND NATE WASHINGTON DOIN' THAT MID-AIR BUTT-BUMP -- OR IS IT A FLYIN' HIP-CHECK WHICH ALL THE KIDS ARE DOIN' NOWADAYS?).

MIGHTY T.O.C. SUGGESTS THAT "THE S.I. COVER JINX" MIGHT SOMEHOW COME INTO PLAY ON SUNDAY -- BUT, BEFORE PLANNING TO QUASH A PANIC ATTACK, LET'S ALL REMEMBER THE S.I. COVER FROM LAST MONTH ... THE ONE WHERE WOODLEY WAS PICTURED HOVERING OVER A PRONE FLACCO ACCOMPANIED BY THE WORDS: STEEL CURTAIN II.

POW! THE S.I. COVER JINX WAS RESCINDED RIGHT THEN AND THERE BECAUSE THAT S.I. (THE DEC. 22 ISSUE) HIT THE STREETS A FEW DAYS AFTER THE STEELERS HAD ALREADY LOST TO TENNESSEE IN NASHVILLE.

THE LAW OF THE JUNGLE HAS SPOKEN.

IT'S A DOUBLE-NEGATIVE RESCINDER ...

THE POWER AND PERSUASION OF JINXES ASIDE, IT'LL BE A ZOO OUT AT HEINZ ON SUN. -- MAYBE EVEN TWICE AS GNARLY AS WHEN WE WERE OUT THERE IN SECTION 124 LAST SUN.

SUPPORT THE TROOPS, DANISH 43 !

AS STRANGE AS IT MIGHT SEEM, DANISH 43 MIGHT ACTUALLY BE ONTO SOMETHING BY OPTING TO PUT (?)HIS OWN(?) NAME ON A 43 JERSEY (ALTHOUGH MAYBE HE BOUGHT IT FROM THE SAME BLACK MARKET WHICH HAS HUNDREDS OF THOSE COUNTERFEIT ROTHLESBURGER 7 JERSEYS WHICH YA HEAR ABOUT).

SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, IT'S NEXT TO IMPOSSIBLE TO BUY A MODERN-DAY MILLER 83 JERSEY BECAUSE OF THE GUILT INVOLVED ... THE BUYER'S REMORSE THAT ONE FEELS BECAUSE THAT SHIRT SHOULD BE A LIPPS 83 ... BECAUSE, WHETHER PEOPLE WANT TO ADMIT IT OR NOT, LOUIS-LIPPS-SINKS-SHIPS WAS EVERY BIT AS GOOD AS LYNN SWANN (MAYBE BETTER).


EVERY DAMN BIT AS GOOD ...

PERSUASIVE ARGUMENTS NOTWITHSTANDING, WE'VE DONE OUR PART THIS WEEK WITH THE PROPER ROTATION OF T-SHIRTS, JACKETS, SWEATSHIRTS AND HEADGEAR (BALLCAPS, KNIT CAPS).

SteelerDawg WORE HIS STEELERS COLLAR ALL WEEK ... Mr. Bones CONTINUES TO WEAR THE CONSTRUCTION-SITE, STEELER HARDHAT ON THE SKULL ATOP HIS SKELETON WHILE THE STEELER FOOTBALL REMAINS WEDGED INSIDE HIS RIB CAGE (WE ADDED A Terrible Towel TO KEEP HIM WARM DURING THESE FRIGID DAYS ... ONLY THIS TOWEL IS AN AUTHENTIC BLACK ONE FROM '77 OR '78 ... THANKS, HUN).

YUP ... THAT'S THE SAME 5-FOOT-6-TALL Mr. Bones WHO, LAST SPRING, WAS WEARING A Detroit Red Wings JERSEY AND CLUTCHING A PLAYOFF RALLY TOWEL (WHICH ELLEN BROUGHT BACK FROM "THE JOE") ... THE SAME Mr. Bones WHO, LAST OCTOBER, WORE A Philadelphia Phillies KNIT CAP WHILE A Fightin' Phillies RALLY TOWEL WAS STRETCHED ACROSS HIS EXPOSED RIB CAGE.

Mr. Bones ... THAT GUY'S A WINNER ...

WHAT REMAINS UNCLEAR TO Mr. Bones RIGHT NOW, THOUGH, IS AN OFTEN OVERLOOKED FACTOR:
"THE FACIAL-GROWTH PARADIGM ... "

WHILE STEELER-QBs-W/-BEARDS ARE 3-0 IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAMES (BRADSHAW BEFORE SB 9, O'DONNELL BEFORE SB 30, BIG BEN BEFORE SB 40), WE HAVE NO DATA RE: BEARDED STEELER HEAD COACHES (TOMLIN HAS THE PENCIL-THIN BEARD RUNNING ALONG HIS JAW-LINE) NOT TO MENTION STEELER QBs WHO HAVE FACIAL HAIR BUT NO BEARDS (i.e. MARK MALONE & HIS MAGNUM P.I. MOUSTACHE WERE 0-1 IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAMES ... BIG BEN IS LOOKIN' TO GIVE STEELERS-QBs-W/GOAT-TEES A 1-0 RECORD).

THIS ILLUSTRATES WHAT'S WRONG WITH AMERICA: OUR QBs ARE TOO CLEAN-CUT. FROM BART STARR TO ROGER STAUBACH TO JOE MONTANA TO JOHN ELWAY TO TOM BRADY, NOBODY'S DARED TO WIN A SUPER BOWL WHILE WEARING A GOAT-TEE (WAIT ... DID McNABB HAVE ONE IN S.B. 39? ... IT DOESN'T MATTER 'CUZ HE DIDN'T WIN ... ).

"NO GOAT-TEE" IS NOT A CRIME -- BUT IT IS A SHAME ...

NOW, THE QB WHO INSPIRED COUNTERFEITERS WORLDWIDE TO INTRODUCE ROTHLESBURGER 7 JERSEYS INTO THE BLACK-MARKET ECONOMY IS BUCKIN' THE TREND W/ HIS FACIAL FASHION.

BIG BEN'LL NEED TO PERFORM A LITTLE BETTER THAN HE DID IN THE TWO REGULAR-SEASON MEETINGS VS. B'MORE. HE LOOKED MIGHTY SHAKY IN THE FIRST GAME UNTIL THE HURRY-UP OFFENSE RESULTED IN THE TD TO SANTONIO WHICH GOT THE LADS TO WITHIN 13-10 WHEN THEY HAD LOOKED SO FEEBLE UP TO THAT POINT.

AND, THE SECOND GAME WASN'T ANYTHING TO WRITE HOME ABOUT EITHER ... ESPECIALLY WHEN BIG BEN TURNED THE BALL OVER WITH THAT BOBBLE/VOLLEY/JUGGLE (TRAILING, 9-3) FOLLOWING THAT GIFT PUNT RETURN WHICH WAS ONE PART SANTONIO MUFF (14 YDS.) AND ONE PART KEYARON FOX ADVANCEMENT OF SAID MUFF (18 YDS.).

BIG BEN SAVED THE BLACK-N'-GOLD'S BACON W/ THAT WINNING DRIVE IN WHICH HE WAS 8 OF 11 ON THAT 92-YD. MARCH (OR WHATEVER IT WAS WHICH PRECEDED THE CONTROVERSIAL HOLMES TD CATCH IN THE FINAL MINUTE).

AS IS TYPICAL OF THAT SPORTS TOWN, IT DOES SEEM AS THOUGH THE TALENTS OF THE QB ARE TAKEN FOR GRANTED. IT WORKS THAT WAY IN MOST NFL CITIES, BUT, BEING THERE LAST WEEKEND IN HEINZ FIELD ALLOWED THE OUT-OF-TOWN, PRO-STEELER GROUPIE THE OPPORTUNITY TO GAUGE THE FAN REACTION TO THE QB WHO IS THE INSPIRATION BEHIND THOSE COUNTERFEIT ROTHLESBURGER 7 JERSEYS YOU HEAR ABOUT.

IT'S ODD ... IF BIG BEN DOESN'T CLICK ON A FEW PASSES, THE MOOD GETS REAL TENSE, ALMOST PARANOID ... AS IF ROETHLISBERGER IS GOING TO MORPH INTO BUBBY BRISTER OR KORDELL STEWART OR THE 2003 TOMMY MADDOX (WHICH WASN'T NEARLY AS PRODUCTIVE AS THE 2002 NFL COMEBACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR TOMMY MADDOX).

MAYBE EVERY NFL TEAM GOES THROUGH THIS ... AND WHEN YA ATTEND ONE GAME EVERY 5 OR 8 YRS., YA DON'T SEE THE ANGST UP CLOSE.

"Oh, god ... what's he doing NOW? Is he trying to get us all killed?"
"Why is Arians calling THAT play?"
"Awww, fuck ... we're up 23-10, but it would be 40-7 if it wasn't for Big Ben ... "
"They should put me out there in one of those ROTHLESBURGER 7 jerseys and nobody would know the difference ... "

IT'S A TOUGH CROWD TO PLEASE ... AND, IN THEORY, THE FACT THAT EVERYBODY IS SO BLUE-COLLAR, THERE'S A PRESUMPTION OF ENTITLEMENT ("Pressure? I've been workin' in the mills since I was 12 ... and I pay my taxes ... so why can't Big Ben hit 14 of 15 for 392 yards with seven or eight TD's? That'd really help us out ...").

SOME OF US, ON THE OTHER HAND, REALIZE THAT BIG BEN HAS SPOILED US ROTTEN W/ HIS PLAYMAKING, SO WE'RE NEVER GONNA GET ALL FREAKED OUT OR START BOOING AFTER TWO CONSECUTIVE INCOMPLETIONS.

AFTERALL, WHAT IF THEY HAD DRAFTED CHAD PENNINGTON IN '01 OR KYLE BOLLER IN '04?
WHAT THEN?

SHE SAID: "THE STEELERS ARE 0-2 ALL-TIME IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAMES PLAYED INSIDE HEINZ FIELD ... "

HE SAID: "THERE EXISTS NO CORRELATION BETWEEN '08/'09 AND THE PATRIOTS OF '01 OR '04."

NOW, IF WE WERE LOOKIN' AT "STEELER QBS WHO WEAR #18 IN PLAYOFF GAMES," "YES" ... THAT'D BE A PROBLEM SINCE PITTSBURGH IS 0-2 ALL-TIME WHEN SUCH A SCENARIO ARISES (STOUDT AT L.A. IN JAN. '84; TOMCZAK AT N.E. IN JAN. '97 ... AND #18 TED MARCHIBRODA NEVER QB'ED IN A PLAYOFF GAME, SAD TO SAY).

BUT, THIS ISN'T THE CASE HERE BECAUSE THE STEELERS CAN/WILL WIN IF THEY HEED THE WORD ON THIS RED, RUBBER WRISTBAND SOME OF US HAVE BEEN WEARING FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS (IT READS: "ANGER") ... AND IF THEY HEED THE WORDS OF JOHNNY LYDON FROM ALMOST 25 YEARS AGO.

"ANGER IS AN ENNN-NURRR-JEEEE ... ANGER IS AN ENNN-NURRR-JEEE ... "

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