Sunday, December 20, 2009

STEELERS: 37-36 Splashdown Into The Sea of 7-7s

... and what a crash-landing it was for the Black N' Gold ... cannonballing into the Seven Seas of seven teams with W-L records of seven-up, seven-down once Number Seven rifled that pass to the left side of the end zone -- a few yards beyond the goal-line pylon -- to the waiting arms of Number Seventeen. ////// Fascinating in the sense that the Packers' #26 (the name isn't important, really) was providing quality coverage ... yet, Mike Wallace cradled the pelota and kept his toes inbounds as the scoreboard clock read "0:00." /////// Is THAT what the NFL means by its "Play 60" campaign? /////// Anyway, in several TV markets around the nation, we didn't get much more than GB's final TD + before the historic march to glory (highlighted by the 4th-down completion to Holmes across the middle and the 3rd-and-long completion to Heath on a deep-out) ... all of which snapped the Steeler's 5-gm. skid. ///// It's probably a good thing that it worked out that way, too, because if some of us had witnessed Tomlin's decision to onside-kick-it following the FG which provided a 30-28 lead ... jiminy christmas, Mike! whattheflockyoudoin'?! ... ///// But, our cosmos is a crazy wonderland ... i.e., after winning the first 11-10 game in NFL history, the Steelers end up on the smiley-face side --> :) <-- of the first 37-36 game in NFL history. //// // //// // What are the odds of that? //// Probably as great as the odds of a black receiver named Mike Wallace playin' for an NFL organization which once had a white LB named Ed Bradley at the same time that CBS had a black guy named Ed Bradley on its "60 Minutes" news program. ///// Still, 37-36 makes y'wonder how many 33-32 games we've had in NFL history (best guess: None ... maybe one ... it'd be fun if it was yer job to research it ... that is, as long as that job had a 401k and a dental plan, y'know?). ////// Either way, the historic 37-36 outcome gave us some long-lasting images ... such as No. 24 (CB Jarrett Bush) gettin' beat for some big gainers (first, by Wallace for the 60-yd. TD on the Steelers' first play from scrimmage ... then by Ward on that 54-yd. completion in which Roethlisberger scrambled, bought time and then let fly with a pass which looked as though he was either throwing a javelin or launching a halfcourt shot at the buzzer). //////// Big Ben very much shredded the Packer secondary (a Steeler record 503 yds. ... see ya 'round, Tommy Maddox!) -- and it is amusing in the sense that Bush wears #24 and the other CB, Josh Bell, wears #26 ... hmmmmm, didn't Packer Hall of Famers Willie Wood and Herb Adderly wear #24 and #26? (that's a rhetorical question ... of course they did). /////// And, for all of us who noticed that Aaron Rodgers wears Lynn Dickey's ol' No. 12, we get a gold star (although we can't remember if the #25 which Ryan Grant wears previously belonged to Harlan Huckleby or Eddie Lee Ivery). /////////// Good thing we're never going to see anyone wearing Nitzschke's #66 and, say, where the heck did KGB (Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila) disappear to? Wouldn't tonight have been a perfect time to see KGB tangle with CFM? go? ////// We miss that guy. ////// We're hearin' a lot how A.J. ree eww ee rrr In this, the game which pitted 2 of the 3 guys from the NFL's "Play 60" TV spots (Hawk n' Hines ... Antonio Gates is the other) eee ewwww eee w aerial circuseii ierieii rri www rere //// //// //// // Looks handsome next to thoseee Beaten the Vikes (11-3), Chargers (11-3), Titans (7-7), Only 4 of the AFC's 16 teams have losing records (Browns 3-11, K.C. 3-11, Raiders 5-9, Bills 5-9) -- and the Curtain has lost to three of 'em. ///// Don't forget that stupid loss in Soldier Field. ////// <<< <<<< <<<>> Balt. would be 3-3). /////

W 38-28 S.D.
W 37-36 G.B.

W 38-7 Texans
W 38-10 @ Cincy
W 33-10 @ N.E.
L 14-31 @ Tenn.
W 31-0 Cleve.
*** W 35-24 S.D.

W 34-7 @ Cleve.
W 37-16 S.F.
L 28-31 @ Denv.
W 38-7 Balt.
W 31-28 Cleve.
L 13-34 @ N.E.
W 41-24 @ St.L
*** L 29-31 Jax.

Going into today's game, Mike Tomlin was 11-0 when the Steelers had scored at least 30 points (but, 0-4 when allowing 30+ pts.).
That's thehhe hhwhwhw In his two-plus seasons, Mike Tomlin's teams have scored
53 times Cowher teams scored at least 30 pts. in a game. The W-L record in those games was 47-5-1.
36 times in his 15 yrs., an opponent scored 30+ pts. >>>> Steelers record was 7-28-1 in those ... 22 of those were by double-digits

More surprisingly, in those 53 games in which Cowhersdddssd only 9 times was the game decided by 7 pts. or fewer (and four of those occurred during the '02 season, most-notably, the 34-31 win over the Ravens to end the regular season, the 36-33 comeback win over the Browns amid the snow flurries and then the 34-31, OT loss to the Titans on the FG by Joe Nedney).
Tomlin's "now" 12-0 record when the Steelers score 30 includes 10 W's by 10 pts. or more (including the 38-28 win over the Chargers the first Sunday in Oct.).
Until we crunched the numbers for ourselves, we had no idea that the disparity was so great.
35-31 or 31-24 are serious anamolies.
The norm is more like 31-14.
Or 34-20.
Or 35-17.
Or 33-10.
Or 31-7.
Or 38-21.
Or (my personal fave): 32-0.

W 45-7 KC
L 38-41 (OT) @ Atl.
L 20-31 Denv.
W 38-31 N.O.
W 37-3 @ Caro.
L 7-31 Balt.

W 34-7 Tenn.
W 34-21 Cleve.
L 31-38 Cincy
W 35-21 Det.
***W 31-17 @ Cincy
***W 34-17 @ Denv.

L 13-30 @ Balt.
W 34-23 Cleve.
W 34-20 N.E.
W 33-30 @ NYG
*** L 27-41 @ N.E.

W 34-15 Balt.
L 20-41 @ K.C.
L 13-30 @ Tenn.
L 13-33 Cleve.
L 21-33 St.L
L 14-30 @ S.F.
W 40-24 S.D.

L 14-30 @ N.E.
L 17-30 Oak.
L 29-32 @ N.O.
W 34-7 @ Cincy
W 31-18 @ Balt.
T 34-34 (OT) Atl.
L 23-31 @ Tenn.
W 30-14 Caro.
W 34-31 Balt.
***W 36-33 Cleve.
L 31-34 (OT) @ Tenn.

W 34-7 Tenn.
W 34-24 @ Tenn.
W 47-14 Det.

L 24-34 Jax
W 48-28 @ Cincy
L 10-30 @ NYG
W 34-21 @ S.D.

1999 //// W 43-0 @ Cleve. ... L 24-31 Balt. ... L 19-35 @ K.C. ... W 30-20 Caro. ... L 27-36 Tenn. ///// 1998 ///// L 31-41 Tenn. ... W 30-15 Jax. ... /////// 1997 ///// L 7-37 Dall. ... L 21-30 @ Jax. ... W 37-24 Tenn. ... W 42-34 @ Balt. ... W 37-0 Balt. ... W 35-24 Denv. ////// 1996 ///// W 31-17 Balt. ... W 30-16 Hou. ... W 42-6 St.L ... L 24-34 @ Cincy ... L 17-31 @ Balt. [ W 42-14 Indy] ///// 1995 ///// W 34-17 @ Hou. ... L 24-44 Minn. ... W 31-16 S.D. ... W 37-34 (OT) @ Chi. ... W 49-31 @ Cincy ... W 41-27 N.E. ... [ W 40-21 Buff. ] ///// 1994 ///// W 31-21 Indy ... L 13-30 @ Sea. ... W 30-14 Hou. ... W 38-15 @ Cincy ... L 34-37 @ S.D. //// 1993 ////// W 34-7 Cincy ... W 45-17 @ Atl. ... W 37-14 N.O. ... L 13-37 @ Denv. ///// 1992 ///// W 30-14 Indy ... L 6-30 @ Chi. /////

Noll 29-3 when scoring 30 //// 48-2-1 >>>> 77-5-1 //// when he was missing the playoffs in 6 of his final 7 seasons,

In those final seasons, Noll was 1-22 in games in which the Steelers surrendered 30+ pts. ... 17 of those losses were by double-digits ... 11 were by 20 pts. or more ...

Noll in '72 thru '80 went 44-0-1 when they scored 30 pts. (28 of those wins were by 20+ pts.) -- until a 45-34 loss to the Raiders on MNF on Oct. 20...
Steelers were 2-8-1 when allowing 30 in '72 thru '79 -- and those two wins were both vs. the Browns during the Super Bowl XIV season ... 51-35 in Cleveland (when Rocky blasted off for that DDDDyd. TD ... on a sloppy day in Municipal Stadium when Sipe was neutralized and Dino Hall was contained ...) and that 33-30 OT eeiwnnee game in 3 Rivers ...
L 34-52 @ Buff.
W 33-27 @ Cincy
L 14-41 Wash.
L 6-31 @ Hou.
W 36-14 S.D.
W 34-17 @ Denv.
W 41-10 L.A. Rams
W 35-0 Cleve.
L 14-34 @ Hou.
L 0-51 Cleve.
L 10-41 @ Cincy
L 7-34 @ Denv.
W 34-14 Mia.
W 31-22 @ Tampa
L 29-30 @ Wash.
L 28-36 @ Buff.
L 14-31 @ Phoe.
L 14-34 Hou.
W 39-21 Denv.
L 7-42 @ Cincy
W 37-34 @ Hou.
W 40-24 Mia.
W 30-17 S.F.
L 21-31 @ L.A. Rams (rplcmnt tm.)
L 24-35 @ Mia.
W 30-16 @ Cincy
L 0-30 @ Sea.
L 7-31 @ Minn.
L 0-34 N.E.
W 30-9 Cincy
L 31-37 (OT) @ Cleve.
W 45-24 @ NYJ
W 45-3 Indy
L 24-37 Cincy
W 36-28 @ K.C.
W 30-7 @ Hou.
L 23-30 Wash.
L 23-31 Denv.
L 44-54 @ S.D.
W 30-24 Buff.
1984 ////// L 27-37 K.C. ... W 38-17 Cincy ... L 7-31 Mia. ... W 35-10 Atl. ... W 35-7 Hou. ... W 52-24 S.D. ... [ L 28-45 @ Mia. ] /////// 1983 ///// W 40-28 @ Hou. ... W 44-17 Cleve. ... L 3-45 @ Det. ... W 34-7 @ NYJ ... L 17-30 @ Cleve. ... [ L 10-38 @ L.A. Raiders ] //////// 1982 ///// W 36-28 @ Dall. ... W 35-14 K.C. ... W 37-14 N.E. ... W 37-21 Cleve. ... [ L 28-31 S.D. ] >>>> (4-0 when scoring 30; 0-1 when allow 30) ///// 1981 ////// L 33-37 K.C. ... L 10-30 @ Mia. ... W 38-10 NYJ ... L 7-34 @ Cincy ... W 34-20 @ Atl. ... W 32-10 @ Cleve. ... L 27-30 @ Oak. >>>> (3-1 when scoring 30; 0-4 when allow. 30) //////// 1980 ///// W 31-17 Hou. ... L 28-30 @ Cincy ... W 38-3 Chi. ... L 34-45 Oak. >>>> (3-1 when scoring 30; 0-2 when allow. 30) /////// 1979 ///// W 38-7 Hou. ... W 51-35 @ Cleve. ... W 42-7 Denv. ... W 38-7 Wash. ... W 30-3 @ K.C. ... L 7-35 @ S.D. ... W 33-30 (OT) Cleve. ... W 37-17 @ Cincy ... [ W 34-14 Mia. ... W 31-19 vs. L.A. Rams ] >>>> (9-0 when scoring 30; 2-1 when opp. scored 30) ////// 1978 ///// W 31-7 Atl. ... W 34-14 @ Cleve. ... W 35-13 Balt. ... [ W 33-10 Denv. ... W 34-5 Hou. ... W 35-31 vs. Dall. ] >>>> (6-0 when scoring 30; opp. never hit 30) ////// ... 1977 ////// L 21-31 @ Balt. ... W 35-21 Cleve. ... W 30-20 Sea. ... [ L 21-34 Denv. ] >>>> (2-0 when scoring 30; 0-2 when allowing 30) ///// 1976 ///// L 28-31 @ Oak. ... W 31-14 Cleve. ... L 27-30 N.E. ... W 45-0 @ K.C. ... W 32-16 Hou. ... W 42-0 T.B. ... [ W 40-14 @ Balt.] >>>> (5-0 when scoring 30; 0-2 when allowing 30) ///// 1975 ///// W 37-0 @ S.D. ... L 21-30 Buff. ... W 42-6 @ Cleve. ... W 34-3 Chi. ... W 30-24 @ Cincy ... W 32-9 @ Hou. ... W 31-17 Cleve. ... W 35-14 Cincy >>>> (7-0 when scoring 30; 0-1 when allowing 30) ////// 1974 ////// W 30-0 Balt. ... T 35-35 (OT) @ Denv. ... W 34-24 @ K.C. ... [ W 32-14 Buff. ] >>>> (3-0-1 when they scored 30; 0-0-1 when allowing 30) ///////// 1973 ///// W 33-6 Cleve. ... W 35-7 @ Hou. ... W 38-21 S.D. ... L 26-30 @ Mia. ... W 33-7 Hou. ... W 37-14 @ S.F. ... [ L 14-33 @ Oak] >>>> (5-0 when they scored 30; 0-2 when they allowed 30) /////// 1972 ////// W 34-28 Oak. ... W 33-3 N.E. ... W 38-21 @ Buff. ... W 40-17 Cincy ... W 30-0 Cleve. >>>> (5-0 when they scored 30; opp. didn't score 30) ////////

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Now Pitching For #34 Cliff Lee, It's #34 Roy Halladay

Now that the dust has settled following The Big Swap which has landed Roy Halladay in Philly, it's important to ask the necessary questions.

Atop that list is this:
"What is every Phillie pitcher's fascination with uniform #34?"

Is every pitcher who arrives in Philly overtly superstitious -- or is that red, pinstriped shirt w/ the red "34" on the back actually THE SAME SHIRT which has been passed from Ben Rivera to Keith Millwood to Gavin Floyd to Freddy Garcia to Cliff Lee and now to Halladay?

Image Preview
Ever since The Sarge left it behind, pitchers have been using #34 as a hand-me-down, the weirdness factor reaching its weirdness apex when #34 Floyd was traded for Garcia, who took #34 before Lee -- who'd worn #31 w/ the Tribe when he was winning the '08 Cy Young -- arrived and discovered that Rodrigo Lopez (who'd been with the Phils for approx. one month) was wearing #31.

Then, #34 Lee was traded and, since #34 was available ("hey! imagine that!"), Halladay took it.

Sure, we understand ... the number that Halladay wore for all those years in Tronno (32) is off limits in Fluffya, thanks to Lefty ... and #33 is off limits because it is jinxed by the Ghost of Wayne Twitchell and the Curse of Chad Ogea ... and Robin Roberts'll be #36 forever and ever and ever, but, seriously, fellas ... FOR THOSE OF US who care not to delve too deeply into contract negotiations and the numbers therein, uniform numbers are which concern us most.

And, quite frankly, some of the particulars of this Philly-Seattle-Toronto merry-go-round are confusing.

This much is clear: From what we can tell, this was not, by definition, a 3-way trade involving our beloved two-time defending National League champion Philadelphia Phillies. It's 2 unrelated trades ... acquiring Halladay in one deal; swapping Cliff Lee in another. There's nuthin' 3-way about it 'cuz we haven't seen a Seattle-Toronto connection.

Say it loud, say it proud: "There is no Seattle-Toronto connector!"

Are we wrong -- or should we allow Ruben Amaro and his biology degree from Stanford to explain it?

What we know: The Phillies reeled in Halladay from the Jays in exchange for minor leaguers, P Kyle Drabek, OF Michael Taylor and C Travid D'Arnaud -- and Lee was dealt to the M's for P Phillippe Aumont, P Juan Ramirez and OF Tyson Gillies.

See? No Toronto-Seattle connector!

Example: When BETHany (almost her real name) stops by "to be satisfactorily pleasured" on a Tues. nite and then goes home sometime 'round 3 a.m. ... and then when, at 7 a.m., Sherilyn (nearly her real identity) stops by on her way to work for some "servicing" before her Weds. workday begins, the events of that 9-hr. window DO NOT constitute a 3-way.

A menage-a-3-way would require a BETHany-Sherilyn connector.

Without it, it's merely two separate acts of fornicayyy-HOLY CRAP! That's right: Lee's out, Halladay's in, okay, umm ...

For the record: "Phillippe The Phillie" and "Gillies of the Phillies" are fascinating nicknames, although not as great as the days when Dave Philley was a Phillie (what are the odds?).

It doesn't hurt to ask, though: Why can't the Phils have their cake and Cliff Lee, too? (i.e., BETHany every Tues. nite/Sherilyn every Weds. a.m.)

The story we've already heard is that Biology Major GM couldn't swing a deal for Halladay last July (before the trade deadline) because nobody could decide which Phillie prospects would be turned into human sacrifices ... to die in Canada playin' before a half-filled Rogers Centre (what the natives once called "SkyDome").

So, rather than lose prized minor leaguers Drabek and Taylor, the Phils spent the Db4D ("day before deadline") packaging Carlos Carrasco, Jason David, Jason Knapp and Lou Marson in exchange for Lee and Ben Francisco.

At the time, it appeared to be a trade which benefitted both ballclubs -- however, "at the time," some of us fancied a greater opportunity (i.e., landing Cliff Lee AND -- boldfaced and underlined -- Roy Halladay) ... an opportunity which was squandered simply because BMGM (Biology Major General Manager) failed to think outside the box.

It was there for the taking, but we can be 97.48% certain that BMGM never uttered the words to the Toronto GM, "Well, Mr. Ricciardi ... howzabout Hamels for Halladay, straight up? And, because you have an honest face, I'll even throw in catcher Tuffy Gosewisch."

The ink on that deal woulda been drying 15 minutes after it was first proposed ... but, re-positioning toy soldiers on a miniature battlefield is more prolific in some people's minds ... and puffing out one's chest and bellowing, "You will not have Kyle Drabek!" makes some guys sound tougher.

The story we're going to hear is how Halladay and Lee together would not have been a viable option because both will need re-signing following the '10 season, blah blah blah, ya can't afford 'em both, blah blah blah ...

Okay ... so, deal with it AFTER THE SEASON.

After the second parade down Broad Street within a 3-yr. span ...

While some of us Phillie Phans detest discussions pertaining to the specifics of $$$ and $$$, we're common-sense-friendly enough to realize that renegotiating Hamels contract after his next five seasons of 13-11, 12-10, 11-11, 12-11, 11-13 is a real yawner.

And, we wish he was Toronto's problem for the next half-decade.

Newsflash: Cole Hamels probably doesn't have much left in the tank, so let's not pretend that he's going to pile up several seasons of 17-8 or 18-9.

The '08 postseason ended, like, umm, more than a year ago.

The scenario we're not gonna see at the end of the '10 season is $$$ which was previously tied up in Hamels, Martinez and Moyer (and you, too, Brett Myers -- 'cuz all four of ya would be "outta here!" as Harry liked to say) is now available to re-sign Halladay and Lee.

For a few moments today, Phillie Phan envisioned an Opening Day rotation of 1) Halladay 2) Lee 3) Blanton 4) Happ and [wait ... is there a No. 5 guy available? Are Moyer and Martinez part of the 2K10 Paradigm? >> Is Hamels the new closer? "Think about it" ... ]

It'll probably now end up as Halladay-Hamels-Martinez-Blanton-Moyer (unless Halladay gets injured during spring training and -- [trumpets blaring] -- Brett Myers is asked to start on Opening Day for the FOURTH year in a row.

It's too confusing to sort out the pitching staff at this point.

So, the next best thing is to keep our fingers crossed.

Seriously, "The Previous #34 Required During An Off-Season" (Garcia) seemed like a steal, given his credentials w/ the M's and w/ the Chisox. That guy was a consistent 14-17-game winner w/ acceptable ERA >> good gravy, that guy was The Second Coming of Joe Cowley, I shit you not, Mister ...

1-5 / 5.90 as a Phillie.

Well, this time, it'll be different because Halladay is a horse whose actually first name is "Harry."

In the annals of trades 'tween Fluffya and Tronno, there's no way it can ever match the train wreck from yesteryear: "Rob Ducey for Rob Ducey."

You remember: The final/fateful days of the Francona Era (2000) ... Ducey, batting .189 at the time, was shipped to Tronno for a player to be named later.

Five days later, the J's sent P John Sneed to complete the deal.

Five days after that, the Phils traded fan-fave Mickey Morandini -- in his second stint with the Phils after spending 2 yrs. with the Cubs (as part of the Doug Glanville trade) -- to the J's for a player to be named later.

Two days later, the J's named that player -- and it was Rob Ducey (2 for 15 -- .154 -- during his 5 gms. in Tor.) who was sent back to the Phils to complete the Morandini deal.


Rob Ducey was successfully traded for Rob Ducey.

What else didja expect from the Francona Era?

This time, it'll be different.

#34 is here to stay.

Unless there's another #34 out there who wants to come to Fluffya to wear #34 ...

+ + +

Friday, December 11, 2009


... at least, that's what was splashed across the front cover of this week's issue of a popular-but-probably-not-very-influential periodical which we know as SPORTS ILLUSTRATED.

Above the cover-photo of 'Bama TE Colin Peek makin' the over-the-shoulder TD grab vs. Fla. is the magazine's name ... but ABOVE those words is the postage-stamp-sized photo of Eldrick positioned to the left of the banner headline: THE SADNESS.

[Tiny print: " -- by Phil Taylor, pg. 48 ... ]

Compounded with today's announcement that Eldrick will be taking a leave of absence from golf -- to, apparently, get his shit together -- what you have is grounds for black armbands and flags flown at half-staff.

That means "NOW," America ...
Oh, and while you're at it, rent a bagpipe ensemble to fire up "Amazing Grace," okay?

Forget that shit ... some of us are choosing Option "C)" >>> "take yer name off yer phone (name off yer phone ... ) / my wife went through my phone and she may be calling you (name off yer phone ... )

Why THE SADNESS, USSI (United States of S.I.)? We've had two weeks of hardcore hysteria and unmitigated silliness ... so why so gloomy, Gus?

If we don't take this Schadenfreude to the limit, then we're merely settin' ourselves up for Stage 2 in S.I.'s "process."

First ... the "sadness" ...
Then ... THE SORROW!

As one might expect, one of the pallbearers at the Death of The PGA was Rick Reilly, who used his higher-visibility platform known as the Disneyland Sports Pinwheel ('cuz he left S.I., uh-member?) to inform America that "the tour" simply won't be the same w/o Woody ... as if this latest development is some sort of Bad Day At Black Rock paradigm.

"Where were you, America, the exact moment that Eldrick used a tiny golf pencil to stab this nation right thru the heart?"

Notwithstanding the usual emptiness of Reilly's emptyheadness, it makes ya wonder: If the implication here is that one performer -- no matter his skill-level or the scope of his popularity -- has sunk the PGA Tour's relevance sans Tiger to a subterranean level of either billiards, motocross, Olympic biathlon and various equestrian events, well, maybe the sport isn't much of frickin' sport to begin with, eh?

Without Woody winning our hearts and taking our breath away with each swing of the club, sports such as bullriding and speed skating on Versus will outdraw the Greater (YourCity'sNameHere) Open or the Nabisco 14-Club Challenge.

That is, unless Shooter McGavin can regain the form that made him a top money-winner on the tour way back when.
"Damn you, people! This is golf!"

Those were Shooter's immortal words. However, for THE all-time, ultimate, put-it-on-my-headstone golf moment, let's knock down a few pegs Ty Webb's "Let's see ... Sonja Heine's out. How 'bout Danny Noonan?" gem from the no-brainer of a golf-as-a-lifestyle mosaic and rewind to that All-Time No. 1 Golf Moment when Bill Foster (portrayed by Michael Douglas outfitted in military-surplus-store attire) was taking a shortcut through the L.A. country club and, thereby, interrupting those old geezers' game.

As we recall, Bill used the shotgun from the cachet of weapons he was toting to blast the old codgers' golf cart, sending it rolling down the hill and causing one of the geezers to crumple to the ground, clutching his chest while in the throes of an apparent heart attack.

Geezer (gasping, whispering): "Pills ... my pills ..."
Bill: "Your pills? Where are your pills?"
Geezer (still gasping, whispering): "Cart ... "
Bill: "Your pills are in the cart?" (Looks off to the distance, watches the cart rolling into the pond, turns to geezer and smiles) "Well, it looks like you're outta luck 'cuz your little cart is going to drown. Now, aren't ya sorry ya didn't let me pass through?"
Geezer (still gasping, unable to speak)
Bill: "And now you're going to die wearing that silly little hat. How does it feel?"

We never did learn if that old geezer died (likely so), but, either way, that scene from "Falling Down" is a KILLER every time.
That ... and what took place at incident Whammy Burger.

"Well, Rick, I, uhhh ... wait a minute. Why am I calling you by your first names as though we're in some AA meeting. I've worked for my boss for seven years, I still call him 'Mister' "
"You can call me, Miss Folsom ..."

Sheila ... you, too, are KILLING me!

Oh, ri-ri-ri-right ... back to Tiger ...

Some of us don't give a flying f**k about golf because eveybody knows that watching or playing golf is an excuse to NOT make America strong again via either slo-pitch softball, 3-on-3 hoops or tennis.

That super-sized, lard-ass Son-of-Julius-Boros-Named-Guy-Boros might cheat death for a weekend by completing anywhere from 36 to 54 holes, but nobody wants to see him leg out a grounder up the middle or waddle to his left along the baseline as he reaches for that backhand.

Seriously ... how many times did Our Second Baseman Mark waste my time by B.S.'ing w/ the other guys in the dugout about some Callaway clubs moments before he grounded into the 4-6-3 DP?

More specifically, how many times was it 4-6-3 w/ me on first base?

Golf is an "activity" (like archery or gardening) which is less about actual participation than it is about golf conversation (lookit this new windjacket! check out this new putter! wanna get a club sandwich and some brews afterwards? is Tiger playin' at Kapalua this weekend?).

PGA-wise, Reilly et al. seem to be implying that the sport, errr ... "activity" cannot simply dial up enough Stewart-Cink-Crushes-Tom-Watson's-Fairy-Tale-Weekend scenarios.

Or that Phil and Sergio and Furyk and Els et al. have enough charisma or staying power or whatever.

It's pretty much like what would happen to tennis if we took away Federer. It'd be an injured Nadal and a sporadic Roddick.

Kinda like women's tennis ...
Or the LPGA ...

To some of us, THE SADNESS is that the media won't use Tiger's absence to broaden its coverage of the LPGA Tour and give a little more exposure (literally and figuratively) to the abundantly-talented pro golfers on that tour, not the least of which is Lorena Ochoa.

And, therein lies THE SORROW.
The retirement of Annika Sorenstam (Tiger's equal on her tour) remains unnoticed.

But, Natalie Gulbis sure has a rockin' bod, eh?

What time does Danica Patrick tee off?


Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Jackie Moynahan's Unnamed 0.5-Bro

Remember: We use that term "The Bastard Jackie Moynahan" in a loving, respectful manner -- sorta like the way that we reference another classic icon:

"The Outlaw Josey Wales."

Sure ... we know that there should be a comma betwixt "outlaw" and "Josey," but ... whatever ...

HOWEVER (!) ... now that "The Supermodel Gisele Bundchen" has Pez'd an infant from her own vagina, she can stop borrowing The Bastard Jackie Moyhanan -- who came from Bridge's vagina 2 yrs. ago -- and Giz can stop calling that toddler (the Stepson Josey Wales) her own.

As one might expect from the Power Couple of This Millennium, standard protocol has been violated (they make their own rules!) and, hence, the baby has no first name!!!

Under normal circumstances, anxiety would grip an anxious nation while Baby No-Name remained nameless. Only thing is, we're cuurently in the throes of Eldrickpalooza -- and another chick might fall from the sky any minute now.

Again ... "under normal circumstances," when a baby is born w/o a name, a Senate sub-committee is assigned to "designate" a name. Now, when we don't know how much longer it is until halftime at Eldrickpalooza, we're left to ponder the possibilities.

And, since all of the cool names ("Barack Hussein" ... "Vin Diesel" ... "Stetson" ... "Astra Zeneca") have been claimed already, one wonders if Giz will be persuaded by hubby to name the child after the person for whom his high school was named (Father Junipero Serra) or the person for whom the QB played his college ball ("Lloyd").

Is The Bastard Jackie Moynahan's half-brother an "Otis"?
Is he an "Elmer"?
Or a "Kareem Abdul"?

Kinda reminds ya of when Jordan was going to name hers-and-Perry's newborn "Quinn" after her father, but then she considered how much the toddler didn't look THAT much like her dad.
Perry: "Maybe it's because he's not drunk and yelling at your mother."

If this all seems a little confusing and convoluted now, just wait 'til 10 yrs. from now when The Bastard, Jackie Moyhahan is sittin' in his junior high classroom and he's wearing his blue-n'-gold TEBOW #15 St. Louis Rams jersey (unless he's wearing his CLAUSSEN #7 Tampa Bay Buccaneers jersey that day) ... and he's texting his half-brother inx_x^HEY! WTF? How can The Bastard Jackie Moynahan text his half-brother when the boy has no name?

That's easy ... nobody uses names anymore.

Ya text to a number ...

"Y'see I been thru the desert on a horse with no e-mail address ..."

Hey, as stated previously: If it seems messy now (or 10 yrs. from now when jerseys clash), just wait another 20 yrs. ... when Jackie's mom, Bridge, is in her late 50s (and still lookin' damn good) -- and she decides to get back at her ex-lover by dating her ex-lover's son ... maybe his name'll be [Grady] Brady ... and he'll be QB'in' in junior college somewhere.

If wedding bells should ring, half-brothers would become brothers-in-law and, technically and legally, Jackie Moynahan would also become Baby X's stepson (that's "stepson" ... not Stetson ...).

More important, Gisele's husband's ex-lover would become Gisele's daughter-in-law ... and, legally and technically, The Bastard Jackie Moynahan would become Gisele's grandchild since Jackie would be the stepson of Gisele's son.

Frickin'-A! -- the equation is tooooo delicious not to consider.

But, you knew it was gonna work out terrifically for Tom Terrific ... because you watched him in that SNL black-n'-white filmstrip in which he demonstrated the law of the jungle when it comes to chicks.

1) Be handsome ...
2) Be attractive ...
3) Don't be unattractive ...


Wednesday, December 02, 2009

"Huge. Quickly. Bye ..."

The final three words -- ["Huge. Quickly. Bye ..."] -- of Eldrick's VM msg. for Jaimee ... that's exactly how a lot of us proud Americans intend to end every phone call of ours from now until the end of our lives.

'Cuz Eldrick -- who never had anything (of value) to say before -- has finally given us words to live by.


While the beginning of Eldrick's classic request has been set delicately to music -- "Could you pleeeez take your name off your phone ..." -- some of us STILL cannot get enough of the end of the msg.

"Huge. Quickly. Bye ..."

Indeed, the shit hit the fan less than a week ago -- and the jokes continue to write themselves.

Must've been what that profound visionary, Papa Earl, was talkin' 'bout when he proclaimed that his son was going to change the world or alter the course of history or raise the roof or impact humankind or become the greatest icon in the Hall of Icons, blah blah blah ...
... because Daddy maybe didn't see beyond the fact that all Sonny really does is whack a golf ball and pimp Gillette razors.

"Huge ... quickly ... bye ... "

President Oprah got his bad self all caught up in the Earl Woods hype machinery when he selected Eldrick to give a speech outside of the Lincoln Memorial during the President Oprah Hoopla at the outset of 2009.

Most Americans knew it was a bad choice at the time ... because we were hoping that the half-black prez would see past a half-black golfer and give us someone we could believe in, a la Delroy Lindo or Ving Rhames (who some of us believe are the same dude) or Morgan Freeman or Shaka Zulu or, if one were to think outside the box, maybe a powerful black woman, such as Queen Latifah (she's a queen, goddammit) or Serena or, what the heck, Oprah herself (it's STILL a crack-up when The Soup airs that clip of Oap swingin' in the harness and she blurts, "My va-jay-jay be painin' " ... which really is THE best msg. for Americans and Kenyamericans, when ya get right down to it).

If President SportsFan was lookin' for a sports star, didn't it make more sense to go with Barry Bonds (America's all-time home run king) or O.J. Simpson (Heisman Trophy winner, first NFL running back to rush for 2,000+ yds. in a season)?

Why did Prez Sports sell out two black kids who grew up in San Francisco and the greater peninsula thereof?

Anyway, while "Huge. Quickly. Bye." can never replace "Gotta bounce. Peace, out ... " it'll serve as a new wrinkle for this year's X-mas greeting cards.

"All the best to you and yours, in happiness and in health, during this holiday season and beyond ... Huge. Quickly. Bye ... "

Finally, "Huge. Quickly. Bye." offers hope and provides something positive for those of us who regularly scoff at golf whilst we adhere to the writings of Travis Bickle, the taxi driver who told presidential candidate Palantine that somebody oughta flush this city down the fucking toilet.

Our friends and relatives were gettin' tired of receiving greeting cards which ended with: "True force ... and all the king's men cannot put it back together ... "


Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Welcome (Back) To The Jungle, CHRIS ALLEN

Jumpin' Jehosephat ... the kid had ALL summer to work on his J -- and from what we can tell (by looking at the boxscore, as opposed to actually watching yucky b-ball on TV) Michigan State's Chris Allen needs to stay after class and write on the blackboard 100 times: "I will stop missing 20-footers, I will stop missing 20-footers, I will stop missing 20-footers, I will ... "

True dat: The only way that MSU's Chris Allen is going to stop MISSING 20-footers is to stop TAKING 20-footers.

We've seen/heard from the Disneyland Basketball Channel that Coach Izzo is one of this nation's most-special of the b-ball super-geniuses, but from what we've seen w/ own eyes re: Chris Allen is something along the lines of a problem child for the inspiration for The Izzone.

And, that problem is this: The last time -- before tonight -- that Clankin' Chris was "center stage," as it were, in a large arena, he was goin 0 for 7 on 3-balls in the NCAA championship game vs. UNC at Ford Field.

Tonight -- again vs. UNC (only this time, it was in the Dean Dome) -- Clankin' Chris went 0-6.

It's probably of little consolation to Clankin' Chris that his teammates, Korie Lucious and Kalin Lucas, went a combined 0-8 on 3-balls tonight, not to mention the fact that most of us think that Korie Lucious and Kalin Lucas are actually the same person/mediocre player.

Wait ... Kalin Lucas was the '08/'09 Big Ten Player of the Year???

"You mean 'varsity"?"

It's completely unfair to say that Chris Allen frickin' sucks, so maybe it's better to just ride this one out and wait 'til the "big dance" when this son-of-a-gunner really steps up his game and gives us a 1-of-8 effort that America can hang its hat on.

Let's not brutalize the kid too much, though.

He'd probably be the second or third sub-in for most college I.M. teams.