Saturday, December 24, 2011

STEELERS: Bill Clay's alive?

Any time that Big Play, Willie Gay roams the Steeler secondary on the same Xmas Eve in which somebody named Have-A-Day, Johnny Clay puts on a blk-n'-ylw Steeler jersey and turns his first NFL carry into an 10-yd. TD, one can't help but think of the name which Hans Gruber used when he met John McClane face-to-face for the first time.

"Clay ... Bill Clay ..." -- the very name which he stole from the Nakatomi Bldg. directory!!!!

Willie Gay ... Johnny Clay ... just stay out of their way or you'll pay, listen to what I say. "How about I just go eat some hay? I could make things out of clay and lay by the bay. I just may, whaddya say?"

That's too much movie overlap too early in this transmission, but that's what happens when the Rams appear on the schedule. The only truly memorable moment of today's 27-0 win (other than the simply breathtaking [!] John Clay TD run) occurred during the opening drive when #96 for St.L (I'm too uninterested to look up his name; let's just say that it WASN'T Deacon Jones, okay?) zeroed in on the creaky-armed Charlie Batch and as #96 was about to gobble up the creaky-armed QB, creaky-armed Charlie Batch executed a nifty duck-for-cover/slide-to-his-left scramble before making the slightly-downfield flip (by using his creaky arm) to Rashard Mendenhall, which the RB turned into a 35-yard gain.

That HAD to please the 17-28 fans at Heinz who were wearing their #5 MENDENHALL jerseys.

As well as the 3 fans wearing their #16 BATCH jerseys.

But, since today might very well have been the final game at Heinz this season, we'll have to wait for the 2012 season opener to see if more than 6 fans are bold enough to wear their #38 CLAY jerseys.

It's too early (in his career) to tell if John Clay can achieve the #38 status which was carved out by previous #38 greats such as Sidney Thornton, Tim Worley, Jon Wittman and Carey Davis (the only ones which come to mind off the top of my head ... the last non-RB to wear that #38, as we recall, was LB Ed Bradley, the white guy who had the same name as the black guy on 60 Minutes, just as Mike Wallace is the black WR w/ the same name as the white 60 Minutes guy -- which fascinates me because, when we were kids in the '70s, the Colts had that white center named Mendenhall and the Giants had that black D-lineman named Mendenhall and it just sorta seemed like a cool name which blacks and whites could share equally, much the way that Rashard and BYU coach Bronco do nowadays and ... ) ...

... jeez, is it already time to get ready for the Browns?

Tough times for that ballclub which once had a black guy at THE QUARTERBACK POSITION named Spergon Wynn ... from the same '00 Draft as Tom Brady.

Watching three minutes of that Browns-Ravens game today (played in the stadium outside which the Johnny U. statue w/ the HUGE bulge in his football overshadows the textbook throwing mechanics he demonstrated back in the days before it was called THE QUARTERBACK POSITION) ... oh, r-r-r-right, we were talkin' 'bout why the NFL is usually a big, fat NFW (No Fucking Way).

Today's epicenter of irritation was when Michael Adams was flagged for interfering w/ WR Torrey Smith on the Ravens' first play from scrimmage (by the quarterback position making a deeeep throw to a speedster playing the wide receiver position the offensive side of the ball) ... the result: a 60-yard P.I. for a FD at the Browns' 9-yd. line.

It was a VERY iffy call by a guy playing the DB position vs. someone at the WR position ... and, if it is THAT borderline w/o the aid of a review, well ... let's face it: there's "no fucking wayyyyyy" that's a 60-yard P.I.

A 60-yd. freebie? The Brownies woulda been better off allowing a shitty backup DL hit Flacco after the whistle and then pick up three personal-foul penalties for 1) facemask 2) felony facemask 3) piledriving and/or sodomy.

Why not?
Put that motherflacco outta the game, outta the playoffs.

After the Brownies backup scrub is ejected, the refs can march off four 15-yd. penalties.

But, let's say that the motherflacco QB survives the violation, it might be worth it to have four Browns jump offsides before the next snap and beat Motherflacco within an inch of his life.

Hey ... it's only "half the distance to the goal" (laugh track).

First down at the 4-and-a-half yard line (laugh track).

Goodell's really earnin' his $10 mil-per, ain't he?

Just kidding ...

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Thursday, December 15, 2011

Timpossible? ... or Tebowgus?

Uh oh, Spaghetti-O's ... the Dec. 19 edition of S.I. has arrived on this Dec. 15 -- and the coverboy is (drumroll please for The S.I. Cover Jinx) the name of the Denver Broncos QB in big, block letters [exclamation point!] ...
No, the Bronco QB which Dec. 19's S.I. cover has dubbed as Amazing, Incredible, Phenomenal, Incomprehensible, Mind-Blowing, Unbelievable ... is none other than (wait a second ... if we're gonna use those terms, it's GOTTA be jazzed up w/ more exclamation points, i.e.:
Amazing!!! - Incredible!!! - Award-Winning Smile!!! - Phenomenal!!! - John 3:16!!! - Incomprehensible!!! - ORGASMIC!!! - Mind-Blowing!!! - Finger-Lickin' Good!!! - Unfuckingbelievable!!! ... all of this we must do in the name of (and adhering completely in direct compliance to) the T.E.P.E. -- the Total Exclamation Point Experience, not unlike that time at Pendant Publishing when Mr. Lippman called Elaine into his office to discuss the final edit of the Jake Jarmel book and to share his gripe with the so-called inordinate number of exclamation points, i.e. "It was a damp and chilly afternoon, so I decided to put on MY SWEATSHIRT!" ***Obviously, Lippman simply didn't subscribe to a T.E.P.E., although Elaine could have side-stepped the T.E.P.E. matter entirely by using BOLD, ALL-CAPS W/ LARGER PT. SIZE ..and now I can't remember how many parentheses and brackets I've used and ... ]

OKAY!!! ... Back to the topic of S.I. cover art, this Dec. 19 issue has a cover which folds out (making it a -- sorry, Lippman -- TWO-PAGE COVER!!!) -- and, on this fold-out pg., we have what they call "a drop-quote" ... a remark from Champ Bailey, of all people, who remarks: "I don't know what to compare it to. I've never seen anything like it."

Does he mean he's never seen anything like the fold-out -- or the necktie in my closet w/ a monogrammed W.J.T.O.T.T.T.M.H? on it (which I may or may not wear to church if I ever decide to attend Sunday services again and wear something other than MY SWEATSHIRT!!!)???

In case it's unclear: W.W.J.T.O.T.T.T.M.H? = an acronym for "What Would Jesus Think Of This Tim Tebow Mega-Hype?"

Whereas I can't speak for Jesus, I can speculate w/ some reliability that He believes that the S.I. cover editors/artists need to cut down a little on the meth smoked before doin' the S.I. cover editing/artistry.

As per that comment from one Roland Bailey, well ... that's fairly typical.

Typical, that is, if y'never watched the NFL, pre-2005.

For those of us who did -- and for anybody who isn't a total frickin' gambling degenerate/douchebag or fantasy-league knob (and for those of us who are enjoying a 40th season as one of the bureau chiefs for the Steelers) -- we can easily access the NFL Rewind Button in our brains and recollect the "it" factor of which Roland Bailey speaks.

In this case, The "IT" Factor hit home for a lot of Americans two years ago when we saw Timmy's teardrops soaking his Florida Gators jersey as he stood on the sideline during the waning moments of the loss to Alabama in the SEC title game.
That Kodak moment caused some of us (well, "me," anyway) to quip: "Lookee there! It's the Tears Of An NFL H-Back."

So, in the context of "we haven't seen this before," okay ... maybe not, once we consider the collections of traits which Tim possesses, those being: 1) Moderate talent ... 2) His incredible love for God ... 3) Huge handsomeness ... 4) Lotsa smiles and an "aw, shucks" disposition (when he's not good-naturedly firing up his teammates with his amazing, incredible, phenomenal, incomprehensible, mind-blowing INTENSITY and WILL TO WIN [exclamation point!].

Other than that, we HAVE seen left QBs who can scramble (Steve Young, Mike Vick, even Snake Stabler) ...

We HAVE seen religious QBs (Kurt Warner, Roger Staubach) ...

We HAVE seen handsome QBs who are competitive (too many to list here ... "that's you, Bert Jones and/or Steve Bartkowski") ...

What we HAVEN'T seen is a QB who, every time he winds up to throw, appears as though he's throwing a halfback-option pass w/ the same body mechanics which you or I might use while attempting to wing a sofa cushion from the front porch to the mailbox.

What we HAVEN'T seen is Timmy Teebs making very many QB-looking plays from what the Disneyland Football Channel calls "the quarterback position."

In reference to that 7-1 record (or whatever it was) when subpar opponents were melting down, maybe Roland Bailey should watch some highlights of the '04 season when a Rookie Named Roethlisberger was goin' 14-0 while actually QBing the way a QB does (while playing what the EspyNetwork calls "the quarterback position") and making Roethlisbelievers outta many of us.

FYI: A 14-0 record trumps a 7-1 record.

Roland Bailey? A lot of us will remember him as the guy who got toasted in his home stadium in the Jan. '06 AFC Championship game when BennyRoth gave that mini-shoulder-fake and then fired the ball to the corner of the end zone to an open Cedrick Wilson ... open because Roland had bitten on the inside fake, oopsie daisy ...

From a SteelerFan standpoint (which trumps Roland's cloudy recollections), we remember that Tebow never served two tours in 'Nam and then won four Super Bowl rings (as Rocky Bleier did) ...

And, we remember that Tebow never threw a Hail Mary pass which traveled 71 yds. on the fly (from his own 28-yd. line to the opposing 1-yd. line) to beat Michigan in The Big House (as Kordell Stewart did) ...

We remember that Timmy Teebs never left football for a few years to sell real estate only to return to the sport, become the MVP of the XFL's lone season and then win the NFL's Comeback Player of the Year award (as Tommy Maddox did) ...

We remember that during Teebs' "hot streak" (hot streak = 3 qtrs. of sub-standard performance), he never beat the 6-0 Patriots (snapping a 21-game win streak) and the 7-0 Eagles in back-to-back weeks in addition to providing more than one highlight for the highlights package (as Roethlisberger did) ....

From what we know about the forgetful Roland Bailey, it's a mighty safe bet that he doesn't remember his freshman season at Georgia in 1995 when his sophomore teammate -- a flanker/running back named Hines Ward -- was the QB in the Peach Bowl, completing 31 of 59 for 413 yds. and bringing the Bulldogs back from a 24-6 deficit vs. Viginia to a 27-27 tie in the 34-27 defeat.

And maybe Roland simply can't remember the Outback Bowl two years later when Hines Ward had 12 catches for 154 yards in the victory over Wisconsin and Ron Dayne.

[Come to think of it, Roland probably doesn't remember how loaded '95 Ugga was -- what with future N.E. Patriots Robert Edwards, Patrick Pass, Jermaine Wiggins and Richard Seymour and a guy in Roland's own Junkyard Dawg secondary named Kirby Smart, who is currently the D-coordinator for Saban at 'Bama.]

Now, before anyone goes off half-cocked calling Roland a fucking moron, let's not rule out that with Teebs, nothing is impossible.

It's "Tim-possible" ...

Just like how Big Ben made Roethlisbelievers out of us all.

While it appears as though Teebs will need A LOT!!!!! (exclamation points x 5) of sessions at The Steve Clarkson Quarterback Position Academy & Taco Stand, it does seem somewhat likely that the completely-likable kid named Tim-possible can one day lift his game to the point where he'll defeat the Viet Cong, throw the 71-yard Hail Mary, sell some insurance and win his first 15 NFL starts ALL IN THE SAME WEEKEND.

If anything, though, some of us would like to see/hear the kid quoting more scripture from Ecclesiates and less from Leviticus.

Everybody knows that the meat of the Bible is Ecclesiates ...

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