Wednesday, November 05, 2008

President Oprah's Pledge: College Football Playoffs! (and free cigarettes!)

Now that America has finally elected a Kenyan-American as its next president (as a precursor to Sixto Lezcano becoming our first Puerto Rican president in 2016), it's up to this "leader" -- as the new Grand Marshal in this Tournament of Roses Parade which we call USA! USA! -- to put his money where his campaign rhetoric is.

In his final interview before yesterday's so-called "historic" Election Tuesday, President-Elect Oprah flashed that championship AquaFresh smile during halftime of MNF and told Berman (of the Disneyland Football Channel) that the time has come for a college football playoff system for the big-boy teams above the minor-league teams such as Appalachian State and Slippery Rock.

When America heard those words, one half of the nation said, "Fo shizzle, ma nizzle" -- and the other half responded with, "In God, we be trustin'."

Actually, America's response might've been the expression of surprise that Berman didn't call him "Barack The Casbah" Obama -- because, Lord knows, nobody stirs the pot of outdated concepts/events/people (even though we all appreciate that final album, "Combat Rock," circa 1982, from the Clash -- "the only band that matters") more than the non-athletic Berman, who our Muslim adversaries abhor not just because he might be pushing a pro-Zionist agenda, but more because he's a non-athlete who might, without warning, break into a highlight of himself holing out from 17 feet or on stage with Huey Lewis.

Look ... nobody's sayin' that 9/11 was Berman's fault.
But, he ain't helpin', y'know?

Before we get caught up in semantics, let's remember that President-Elect Oprah and his AquaFresh smile didn't exactly "endorse" a college-football-playoff platform.
It was more like: "Gee, playoffs would be swell."

He sounded about as non-committal (in politicalese, that's called "on the fence") as he seems to be about quitting smoking ("giving up cigarettes would be swell. Put that on my to-do list ...") -- or as about as vexed as much of White America is that the leftist-guerrilla media downplays the white mama aspect.

(The Black America which isn't pro-Obama might be categorizing him as an Oreo ... in probably the same manner in which most of Black America never embraced a Republican ex-QB named J.C. Watts because a black "Republican" means that he's probably a white dude dressed up as a black guy ... or he's an Uncle Tom or whatever buzzwords they're usin' nowadays to denounce a politician who won't allow a 15-year-old to abort her fetus on the sidewalk in broad daylight while she's freebasing this week's welfare check ... )

One of the most-classic President Oprah tributes occurred during a spin around the TV dial when we noticed that chunky black-chick/co-host on "The View" (the one who's not Whoopi ... or Star Jones ... the other one ... whose name we don't know) recapped the outcome by sobbing to America that she was now able to tell her son, "There are no limitations ... no lim(sob)uhhh(sob)tay-shins ..."

Somebody needs to tell Mama and little Je'Quan that the only way that the people who run this country (the gun lobby, the tobacco lobby) are gonna notice his limitless potential is if he runs a 4.23 40 and receives the recommendation of Mel Kiper's Bouffant that he can "make plays in space."

No limmm-uhhh-tayyy-shins ... well, that is, unless your name is Ellen Degeneres and you wake up to find that Election Day wasn't so kind to you ... and Prop. 8 sez that your homosexual marriage is void.

America has spoken, Ellen -- and all throughout the land, we're celebrating with a "breakfast of champions" consisting of a piping-hot plate of Uncle Ben's Converted Rice coated with generous, squirt-bottle applications of Aunt Jemimah syrup.

Except for Ellen and Portia -- who are eating cold, overcooked Minute Rice drenched in Log Cabin.

As it so happens, America, apparently, isn't ready for gay marriage any more than it's ready for a playoff system for Div. I-A teams, despite the wishful thinking, casual suggestions and handfuls of pinwheels and lollipops from our President-Elect with a mama who's as white as his Pepsodent smile.

What the future holds, it would seem, is some vital legislation.

Or an arm-wrestling match between Elijah Mohamed and Jesus Christ (the Jesus w/ the Afro who looks like Dr. J., not the bearded, white-boy, hippie Jesus).

Event to be staged at a neutral site ...
Not in Nazareth or in Mecca ...
Maybe at the RCA Dome ...

It is fascinating to note that Black Prez w/ His White Mom won the election during a football season in which we lost two more black head football coaches in the college ranks (Tyrone Willingham and Ron Prince) and we might be losing three black NFL coaches by the end of this season (on the chopping block: Marvin, Herman, Romeo).

Football, as we've learned, is a great equalizer -- and it's impressive to see the sport re-evolve with the return of the white-boy tailback (i.e. Stanford's Toby Gerhart and Kansas' Jake Sharp to name two collegians ... plus NFL rookies Jacob Hester from LSU and Peyton Hillis from Arkansas).

That's for you, Ed Podolak ...

This is real progress for America -- black prez, white tailback. For years, white Americans were viewed only as Madison Hedgecock-type fullbacks who needed to clear a path for the flashier black players who would be sleeping with the white groupies after the game.

Now, the power may be shifting.

Because of President-Elect Oprah.

If only he could do something about bringing home Caylee ...

It's not a major request, given how we've outlawed black football coaches, outlawed lipstick lesbians who want more outta life than to star in quality chick-on-chick porn and brought honor back to Whitey who wants to tote the rock.

While we're addressing half-Kenyans who ascend to the highest office in the land, maybe it's time to deliver some reparations to the tune of several billion $$$ to several dozen Native American nations who might've suffered certain injustices at the hands of Whitey and the bruthuhs who built their football stadiums on the land which was stolen from the natives.

It's about President-Elect Oprah using the white side of his brain rather than the Kenyan color of his skin to get things done.

After all, one of the top college QBs in the nation -- Oklahoma's Sam Bradford -- is part Cherokee.

Is it not time to reserve the right to reverse the wrongs perpetrated against Native American QBs, such as Sonny Sixkiller?

We're all in the same tribe -- so sayeth those of us who've purchased numerous cartons of smokes from the Tuscarora Indians in western N.Y.

The natives make 'em damn fine cigarette, but unless there's something stronger inside than tobacco, it's foolish to vote in elections where one of the candidates has a smile a mile wide, but less tangible political pull and charisma than our fave African leader of all-time -- SHAKA ZULU.

Another thing: How insane is it to cast a ballot for a candidate whose cabinet we don't know and cannot predict?

If President Oprah names Mussolini's grandson as his Secretary of State, that would be harmful. Of greater harm would be if President Oprah allows ex-First Lady Clinton and her hillbilly husband, Bubba, anywhere near the Oval Office.

For some of us, it ain't about whether the new Prez is a black dude -- after all, MLK taught us that we're not 'sposed to judge based on the color of one's skin, but, rather, based on the content of his character.

If he can't lead like LeBron and legislate like Shaka Zulu, then there's nuthin' all that "historic" about this election.

Isn't that right City of Detroit? How's yer black mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, workin' out?

Seems like he might be a man of the people, but not really for the people. And with a name like "Kilpatrick," nobody is really sure if he embraces his Irish heritage the way that, say, Shaquille O'Neal does.

Anyway, the next four years are gonna be swell, America ... the left-wing media's gonna forget to remind that President Oprah's mama is white -- and President Oprah's gonna hope nobody remembers his "Gee, college football playoffs would be swell" remark.

Let the "lookin'-the-other-way" begin now.

That's how we get the economy turned around and lessen our involvement in unwinnable Middle East-conflicts.

Empty rhetoric, however, makes for a bloody and pointless Bowl ...


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