STEELERS: Bill Clay's alive?

Any time that Big Play, Willie Gay roams the Steeler secondary on the same Xmas Eve in which somebody named Have A Day, John Clay puts on a black-n'-gold Steeler jersey and turns his first NFL carry into an 10-yd. TD, one can't help but think of the name which Hans Gruber used when he met John McClane face-to-face for the first time.

"Clay ... Bill Clay ..." -- the name which he stole from the Nakatomi Bldg. directory!

Willie Gay ... Johnny Clay ... just stay out of their way or you'll pay, listen to what I say. "How about I just go eat some hay? I could make things out of clay and lay by the bay. I just may, whaddya say?"

That's too much movie overlap too early in this transmission, but that's what happens when the Rams appear on the schedule. The only truly memorable moment of that 27-0 win (other than the simply breathtaking John Clay TD run) occurred during the opening drive when #96 for St.L (I'm too uninterested to look up his name; let's just say that it WASN'T Deacon Jones, okay?) zeroed in on Charlie Batch and as #96 was about to gobble up the creaky-armed QB, Batch executed a nifty duck-for-cover/slide-to-his-left scramble before making the slightly-downfield flip to Mendenhall which resulted in a 35-yard gain.

That HAD to please the 17-28 fans at Heinz who were wearing their #5 MENDENHALL jerseys.

But, since today might very well have been the final game at Heinz this season, we'll have to wait for the 2012 season opener to see if more than 6 fans are bold enough to wear their #38 CLAY jerseys.

It's too early (in his career) to tell if John Clay can achieve the #38 status which was carved out by previous #38 greats such as Sidney Thornton, Tim Worley, Jon Wittman and Carey Davis (the only ones which come to mind off the top of my head ... the last non-RB to wear that #38, as we recall, was LB Ed Bradley, the white guy who had the same name as the black guy on 60 Minutes, just as Mike Wallace is the black WR w/ the same name as the white 60 Minutes guy -- which fascinates me because, when we were kids in the '70s, the Colts had that white center named Mendenhall and the Giants had that black D-lineman named Mendenhall and it just sorta seemed like a cool name which blacks and whites could share equally, much the way that Rashard and BYU coach Bronco do nowadays and ... ) ...

... jeez, it's time to get ready for the Browns, ain't it?

B/Ball Fiesta Aboard The USS Karl Vincent

No matter how many of Jerry Sandusky's alleged indiscretions that they try to shove down our throats today (which isn't a pretty thought when taken in a literal context), we, the citizens of what's left of Proud America, can still get in the faces of our enemies around the world (either Hamas or Hezbollah ... or the Shiites or the Sunnis, I don't remember which) with spirited chants of "U-S-A! U-S-A!" as we watch a college basketball game played on the deck of an aircraft carrier which is parked in San Diego Harbor.
Like a lotta Americans, I don't know who the hell Karl Vincent is, but, like a lotta Americans, I'm happy as heck that the Afghaneeze, the Pakeeze and the Irockeeze will sleep soundly tonight under the blanket of a stars-n'-stripes "presence" as dreams of sugar plums dance in the heads of those protected Afghaneeze, Pakeeze and Irockeeze.

That is, until tomorrow when that marketplace bomb detonates at 1 p.m., local time, and a mother weeps because the heads of her son and daughter which were filled w/ dreams of dancing sugar plums were blown clean off their bodies by the blast.

And, she might also be weeping because she didn't watch SportsCenter to find out how many pts./rebs Harrison Barnes finished with.

C'mon, Irockee Mom ... use your iPhone app and git that score!

B/BALL on a BATTLESHIP (or on an aircraft carrier, whatever ...) ... what a star-spangled thrill (!!!), except the ref shoulda tossed the ball in the air at exactly 11.11 seconds past 11:11 a.m. local time so that we'd've had a UNC/MSU bloodbath tipping off at 11:11.11 on 11/11/11.

Alas, we long for the days when Al McGuire would characterize the undersized point guard as "a PT boat" takin' it down the lane on the dribble drive, goin' up against those big aircraft carriers in the paint ...

Yet, our sporting world and our world wars have changed so much since Al McGuire died at the outset of the new milennium.

Less than 10 yrs. earlier (at the outset of the '90s), Dean Smith ushered peace into a war zone known as the Persian Gulf when he canceled his Tar Heels game ...

Everybody remembers how the USS Karl Vincent returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown during the showdown known as DESERT STORM, but nobody seems to remember who won Desert Storm (answer: We're all winners, "yuu-ess-ayy! yuu-ess-ayy!") ...

OH, NO! Somebody somewhere just said that the name on the ship is "Carl Vinson," not Karl Vincent, the ficticious name which I've been applying.

According to the Wikipedia search which was recently executed, Carl Vinson deserves his name on the side of an aircraft carrier about as much as Tony La Russa does.

If the data is correct in that completely-one-sided, pro-Vinson bio, it seems as though we should be calling that warship the USS Augustus Bacon.

Or maybe I'll kahl it the USS Kevin Rohring, in honour of the 19-year-old who was ordered by his U-S-A! U-S-A! to die unceremoniously in a Vietnamese jungle (or a Vietnamese rice field) so that Carl Vinson wouldn't be speaking Vietnamese while he was taking $$$ from lobbyists during his 718 years as a member of the Georgia state legislature.

Every now and then, it's fun to ponder the aftermath of warplanes returning to the deck of the USS Kevin Rohring anchored off the coast of Savannah after four jet fighters have carpetbombed the (flock!) outta Carl Vinson's office in the capitol bldg. in The A-T-L.

Anyway, naming battleships after people only makes sense if ya do it on the behalf of the upper-tier Americans, say, ohhhh ... Geronimo, considering how it was Opertation: Geronimo which allowed Obama to defeat Osama and put an end to al-Qaeda and the Taliban forever and ever -- and it would've been so much more meaningful to some of us proud Americans if this aircraft carrier which eventually dumped bin-Laden's body into the ocean had been called the USS Crazy Horse (so named for the iconoclastic Native American who never sat on his ass inside a federal office building).

WAIT A SEC! Did my eyes deceive me or was that a Proud American named Pamela Anderson (she and "proud American" have the same initials, BTW) who was mingling w/ the glitterati and G.I.s?

That's the name of the game ... P.A. "gets it." Her dumb blonde act belies the fact that she is pro-Team USA! fightin' the good fight in lands far and wide so that a crusader who is interested (or obssessed) with establishing cultural learnings of America for make benefit glorious nation which is "Number 1 ... exporter of potassium ... " so that he can make love explosion on Pamela Anderson's stomach.

Love explosion on her tummy ... if that sounds unappealing, maybe she should consider the alternative: Gettin' sunk by the USS Carmen Electra.

Oh, look, Mommy! Pres. SportsFan was at the ballgame tonight ... and he was sittin' courtside w/ Mrs. Pres. SportsFan, the sister of the guy who'll lead his Oregon State Beavers b/ballers into a new frontier in '11/'12.

And, that "frontier" is this: Being as really really really really mediocre in the Pac-12 North as the Beavers were in the Pac-10 Regular.

Oughta be fun ...

'Cuz that's what war n' sports oughta be -- a consolidation of "funner" and "funnest" -- especially now, 3 days after Call of Duty: Modern Warfare has hit the streets ... and 2 days after the USS Joe Paterno was sunk by the USS Jerry Sandusky.

Special thanks to the Damned: "And only the wounded remain / The generals have all left the game / With no will to fight / They'll fade with the light / There's nobody left they can blame ..."

Okay, so maybe that cut only the 6th best on "Strawberries" (can't believe it'll be 30 yrs. old next yr.), but y'can't rank it (can u?) ahead of "Dozen Girls" / "Under The Floor Again" / "Gun Fury (Of Riot Forces)" / "The Dog" / and "Life Goes On," the last song on this short list gaining fame for the intro riff which was stolen by Killing Joke and then Nirvana for their own gain.

If Carl Vinson wants to score some brownie points w/ his constituents and flex some military muscle instead of currying favour from special interests, he shoulda declared war on artists who rip off other artists.

As it stands, I'll always call his big boat the USS Karl Vincent.

Except for the remainder of 2011 when I'm re-overhyping The EspyChannel's superhype in the following manner:

"Y'wanna know the only way this football game/hockey game/chess match/soccer tilt could be any better? If they were playing it on the deck of the USS Carl Vinson ... and we were watching it at Buffalo Wild Wings."

"only way this BLT and icy mug of root beer would taste better would be if I was enjoying it on the deck of the USS Carl Vinson ... "

"This board meeting sucks. Can we schedule the next one not for the conference room but for the deck of the USS Carl Vinson?"

"Remember three weeks ago when everybody with a rifle and/or a shotgun in/near Zanesville, Ohio was allowed to take target practice on the 46-50 exotic animals which had escaped from that redneck's compound? Wouldn't it have been more cool if we'd sent in the USS Carl Vinson to rescue those 18 Bengal tigers before the USS Carl Vinson evaporated Zanesville, Ohio from the planet?"

"The Twin Towers would be standing tall and filled with activity today if only the USS Carl Vinson had been parked in New York Harbor to assist Lady Liberty in warding off Atta and evil-doers ..."

"This sex act that we just performed was plenty righteous and gratifying, but wouldn't it have been more-patriotic if you'd let me bang you on the deck of the USS Carl Vinson?"

"This Steelers victory was nice ... but it would've been nicer if they'd played it and donated all the proceeds to a kick-ass/not-half-assed memorial at Shanksville and we watched it on a JumboTron and the tears streamed down our cheeks and onto the deck of the USS Carl Vinson on which we were standing?"

God bless you, Karl Vincent ...

= = = = = = = =

Zanesville Tiger Massacre

Sometimes, we Americans overlook how our beloved U-S-A! U-S-A! assumes the lead in world affairs by demonstrating peace through strength via peacemaking missions in countries ending in "-stan" (i.e. Goodneighborstan, Dearfriendistan, Hiyabuddystan), yet it can't always get its own house in order.

So, while U-S-A! U-S-A! tucks in the Sunnis and the Shiites and the Sikhs at night (bedtime story re: American imperialism optional), there's approximately 46-51 carcasses of slain animals which are goin' sleepytime forever and ever tonight.

That's the fallout from the ZANESVILLE TIGER MASSACRE in Ohio which'll be forgotten 15 minutes from now.

Among the dead: 18 Bengal tigers, arguably God's most-beautiful creature (if ya believe in God, which, after what happened in Zanesville, makes it mighty damn difficult to do ...).

By this time next week, this story'll be deader than those murdered tigers -- 'cuz here in our U-S-A! U-S-A!, we save our headlines for more-headline-grabbing tigers.

For instance, down near the Gulf coast, the headline which echoes throughout the Auburn plains is:

TIGERS NOT LIKELY TO DEFEND NAT'L CHAMPIONSHIP

Closer to the Bayou, headlines about LSU blare proudly:

TIGERS EYEING NAT'L CHAMPIONSHIP

And, this weekend, when LSU and Auburn meet, it'll be double-the-imaginary-headline fun:

TIGERS vs. TIGERS WITH NAT'L CHAMPIONSHIP IMPLICATIONS!!!

Let's not forget how concerned everybody is on the Clemson campus when they pick up the school paper:

TIGERS 7-0 AND EYEING BCS BERTH!

Near the heart of America, the folks who refer to their campus as "Mizzou" are buzzing:

TIGERS EYEING BIG XII TITLE, POSSIBLE BCS BERTH

'Round the Great Lakes, the MLB team in the Motor City will crack open the Detroit Free Press to the tune of:

TIGERS UNABLE TO TAME TEXAS

When we consider Maximus Decimus Meridius glorious career inside the Colosseum, we remember the headlines in the local paper:

TIGRIS, TIGERS FAVORED AGAINST MAXIMUS

And, what about March Madness?

PRINCETON TIGERS: NO NCAA TITLE THIS YEAR

At least there's hope for South Williamsport in late-August:

KELLOGG'S, TONY THE TIGER, LLWS AGREE TO TERMS

On the PGA Tour, when the whispers turn to headlines re: Eldrick, it'll be:

TIGER EYEING A MAJOR COMEBACK IN 2012

Great headlines -- but, it doesn't answer the question: "What do tigers dream of / When they take a little tiger snooze? / Do they dream of mauling zebras / Or Hale Berry in her Catwoman suit?"

Apparently, some people believe that a tiger would just as readily maul Hale Berry in her Catwoman suit as it would a zebra -- which is probably what led to the paranoia which allowed those big cats (along with other big cats, some bears, wolves, others ... ) to be slaughtered.

"If you don't cut down a tiger or a cheetah or a coyote with an Uzi, that tiger or cheetah or coyote will eat you, your family, everybody you love and the Constitution of the United States of America ... "

They say that our Kenyamerican President once killed a tiger with a spear when he was a little boy with a white mom in Kenya.

Myth? Doesn't seem like it (especially when you consider his form when he tosses out one of those ceremonial first pitches at a ballgame) ...

Yet, the loss of those tigers is very disheartening. Few of us alive understand how the state of Ohio could turn a blind eye to this unspeakable act of bengalcide, coupled with the fact that the local NFL team with the tiger stripes on the players' helmets refuses to acknowledge the tiger slaughter with any type of tribute/observance before this Sunday's game.

Seems as though the Cinshitnati Bengals have a bye -- which is a typical NFL shortcoming, of course.

How convenient.

For humans.

Not so much for those magnificent creatures which were slain.

Now, U-S-A! U-S-A! looks for leadership from its Honey Tiger (LSU safety Tyrann Mathieu) and all we're gettin' is a headline which describes a recent setback:

TIGER SLAPPED ON WRIST FROM GETTIN' HISSELF ALL DOPESICK AFTER TOO MUCH TIME AWAY FROM HIS CANNABINOID BLUNT

"Oh, what a crazy fuck, look! Ewww, it's eating larvae, that's disgusting ..." ^^^ "Get away from me, says the snake, get away from me! Honey badger don't care. Honey badger smacks the shit out of it ..."

The Pakeeze and the Afghaneeze are sleepin' all snuggly in their star-spangled blankets, but the Ohio Dept. of Fish & Game has gotta go out to that shithole ranch and scoop up those dead animals.

Let's say we do the math and totally crunch the numbers, the equation looks something like this: If it's true that there are approx. 1,500 tigers remaining on This Wonderful Planet of Wonderfulness, then 17 dead tigers equals 1.2 percent (.012) of the planet's tiger population, right?

Now, if we were allowed to play God for a day and balance out the universe, we could (or somebody could) gun down 1.2 percent of the 300 million inhabitants of U-S-A! U-S-A!

(Well, have ya multiplied .012 time 300,000,000 yet? ^^^ That's 3.6 million people ... )

When 32 people were slain at Virginia Tech back in '07, we were required to spend the next three weeks examining ourselves.

We had moments of silence, special ribbons and VT logos for our sports teams.

Because human life is precious ...

And, because animals are fun to shoot ...

Remember when Rick Reilly went on that sports-helping-humanity crusade a few years ago w/ that "Nothing But Nets" campaign which was designed to provide nets to prevent mosquitos-carrying-malaria from biting (and killing) African children?

It seems noble on its face -- until those kids grow up and then butcher an elephant for the ivory-rich tusks.

What we needed, Rick, was nets to trap those tigers and capture 'em w/o killin' 'em ... so that trained personnel could rehab those special creatures.

What a fucking disgrace one month to the day that the U.S. Postal Service issued the special stamp designed to increase awareness of the tiger.

Lamentably, the "war at home" will rage on.

And, the tigers -- the real tigers, not the sports mascots -- will lose ...

Which is bad news for those of us who love tigers.

And hate the Ohio Dept. of Fish & Game ...

# # # # # # # # # #

STEELER Season #40: Cataclysm At Canteloupe Crotch

... but, at least, matters got outta hand early, so it was okay to wander away from the contest and take a drive and turn on the radio to hear Christian Adolph Jurgensen and Robert Lee Huff -- born 42 days apart in 1934 -- providing some powerful commentary from the broadcast booth which they share with Larry Michael.

True ... Larry Michael is the radio play-by-play voice of the Redskins ... and Chris Jurgensen actually goes by "Sonny" and Bob Huff is better known as "Sam" -- and, sure, they were great players back in the 1920s or 1930s (whichever it was), but neither of 'em has any bidniss bein' in the broadcast booth.

America realizes that.

It's not because they're each 77 yrs. old.

It's because they fucking suck.

With that in mind, 9/11 seems like the perfect day to pink-slip each of 'em and to earmark the salaries they don't deserve for the next disaster which befalls these United States.

Simple as that: I have once again waved my magic wand and raised $2.7 mil for U.S. Disaster Relief.

Just like that time when I suggested that each of the 30 MLB teams dump its bench coach and then re-route that $15-18 mil to tornado-ravaged Missouri or Alabama (then, we chop Selig's $14 mil/yr. in half and "presto!" ... we've just raised a total of $25 mil w/o lifting a finger).

Damn right, I'm damn proud of me -- raisin' $27.2 mil for disaster relief ...

Now, even though bad broadcasting is more of a crime than an outright disaster, some Terrible Towelistas might argue that the performance by the defending AFC Champion Steelers in their season opener at Canteloupe Crotch was a bonafide catastrophe/cataclysm in its own right, but, let's not be so hasty.

(*Editor's Note: "Canteloupe Crotch" is the affectionate nickname for the stadium of Baltimore's Cartoon Football Birds, whereupon a statue of Johnny Unitas has a bulge in his pants the size of a canteloupe ^^^^ "Google it!" and don't be afraid to either giggle like a 12-year-old girl or shake yer head while muttering, "That's fucking pathetic.")

Yeah, okay ... so it's a major problem to commit 7 turnovers (also known as "giveaways") against an opponent/rival which many people have probably designated as the AFC representative to line up against Green Bay or New Orleans in SB46.

On the other hand, it's important to reference the scripture which reads: "The Ravens' Super Bowl is the Pittsburgh game; the Steelers' Super Bowl is the actual Super Bowl."

That concept was never more apparent than eight mos. ago when everybody from Linthicum to Timonium was convinced that THERE WAS NO WAY! that the Purple Pigeons were gonna blow that 21-7 halftime lead in Heinz -- and, yes, the Linthicumese and the Timoniumians were just itichin' to talk shit for days on end ... until Antonio Brown cradled that 3rd-and-18, 58-yards-to-the-Baltimore-4 reception against the side of his helmet to set up the game-winner before Ziggy Hood and Lawrence Timmons rattled Flacco's ribcage w/ that awesome sack moments before Houshmanzilli dropped the fourth-down pass at the first-down marker.

Now, nobody's sayin' that the Ravens completely shot their wad with today's effort in THEIR Super Bowl (which was a wider margin than those two routs in '06 which we refuse to talk about).

It's just that since they don't play these games "on paper" (except in the NFL Dungeons & Dragons realm known as "fantasy leagues"), the Ravens are likely to fuck it up somehow some way.

From a historical Week One perspective, the "on paper" metrics are that none of the Steelers' eight Super Bowl teams ever lost its season opener.

Bad omen?

Maybe ... until we consider that the 8-game Week One win streak which was snapped today actually began w/ the '03 opener ... the 34-15 win over B'More in Heinz to kick off Year 2 of The Great Tommy Maddox Comeback as well as mark the dawn of a hotshot rookie outta USC named Troy Polamalu.

That Steeler team was 2-1 before beginning a Maddoxian 5-game slide which had folks thinking that maybe it would be a good idea to spend a first-round pick in the next Draft on a QB.

At the time, we were getting that sinking feeling that the Arena League/XFL/insurance-world refugee (Maddox) might not be a long-term solution ... and the rookie QB/5th-round pick on the sideline (Brian St. Pierre) probably wasn't the answer, either.

Our thought process BACK THEN was, "Okay, but which QB should we draft? J.P. Losman who has 'all the tools'? Craig Krenzel who has the national championship? Peyton's little brother? Josh Harris from Bowling Green? Who the hell is Josh Harris? What about Rivers from N.C. State? His mechanics are weird. What the hell is a ... Roth-Rothless-Rothlesswho? He plays for the OTHER Miami? Let's think about Losman again. Didja say that he's a disciple of the Steve Clarkson Academy of Mediocre QBing?"

It feels like a million years ago (doesn't it, though?) when these teams squared off in Game 1 of the '98 season opener in B'More ... the first regular-season game at Ravens Stadium (which might've been before the statue of JohnnyU.HasAVolleyballForGenitalia was, ha ha ha, "erected" -- I mean, I was there for that game w/ my free tix for me n' the Mrs. and all I remember was Jimmy Harbaugh bein' really really so-so ... and then Eric Zeier got into the game ... but that was long after Harper LeBel made that horrendous long snap on a punt for a loss of 31 yds. to inside the Raven 5 ... and, of course, there was that play wherein Richard Huntley broke free down the sideline for 40+ yds., albeit his TD bid was thwarted by Duane Starks tracked him down and then punched the ball loose, la pelota bouncing free and through the end zone for a touchback ... ).

For sure, we'll hear plenty in the upcoming days (unless we boycott the Disneyland Sports Channel known as ... wait a sec, did Berman spend the lockout chain-smoking and eating spoonfuls of sawdust? 'cuz his voice sounds raspier and more-gravelly than Nina Blackwood's) about how the Steelers' D is too old, considering how the only starters under 30 are Woodley, Timmons and Willie Gay (Exhibit A: Hampton 34, Keisel 33, Smith 35, von Oelhoffen 40, Farrior 36, Harrison 32, Taylor 21, Polamalu 30, Clark 32 ... okay, so I snuck Kimo's name in there just for kicks).

Oh, and it looks like Crezdon Butler didn't pan out at CB, shucks ...

So, as I begin my 40th season of believing in the Steelers (the first 25 as the head of BlackNGold ops for the California Bureau; the past 14 as one of the chief deputies of the Mid-Atlantic Corridor's checkpoints), I BELIEVE THAT THEY'LL BE OKAY -- someplace in the W-L potential of 9-7 or even 10-6, injuries permitting.

The OL will probably be another messy situation, yet, with five future Hall of Famers (Polamalu, Ward, Roethlisberger, Woodley and Pouncey), there's too much talent here to abandon hope after one opening-day setback.

Hence, there'll be no need to spend as much as five minutes of a future Sunday hearing a potentially-inebriated Sonny quip, "A first down here would be nice" -- to which a more-than-likely-drunken Sam Huff would add, "Ain't that right."

That's awesome broadcasting -- although, if I'd been born n' raised in Squirrel Hill and had spent my childhood and adolesence listening to the amateurish yoinks and rants of Myron Cope, I'd probably, right now, be in my 13th year of rooting for the Carolina Panthers following 16 years of faithfulness to the Browns, interrupted by a 3-yr. stint bein' a Birmingham Stallions diehard ...

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Get Warmed Up, #5 Paul Ernster!

There's a great many folks out there (well, probably more than 4, but maybe less than 22) who are thankful that they didn't sell their ERNSTER 5 Steelers jerseys

on eBay following the SB43 magnificence of two years ago ... especially here in this Ravens Crybaby Corridor wherein the crybaby cries of the crybabies range from "We gave it away!" to "We gave you guys the game!"

What their dismay demonstrates is that 84.3 percent of Ravens fans are pussies (c'mon ... you KNEW that), but it also drowns out the muted sobs of Daniel Sepulveda, who, apparently, tore his ACL during the bloodbath last night and will miss the remainder of the season.

Before we reach out to help our fallen punter, we'll need to console Raven crybabies with comforting words such as, "Maybe your all-star linebacker needs some new dance moves" ... or "Maybe your all-star linebacker needs some different sound bytes for America ... new material instead of 'This is game time!' and 'This is big-boy football! blah blah blah ..." -- or maybe the all-star linebacker needs to tell us who stabbed to death them two boys lyin' in the street and bleedin' out outside the Cobalt Lounge ...

'Nuff 'bout Ray-Ray ... somebody's gotta phone the man who's a lucky rabbit's foot -- Paul Ernster -- and inquire as to his availability for the new job opening.

That is, unless the Steelers brass is eyeing somebody else.

After all, The Ern's 3-day trial wasn't anything to brag about (12 punts, a 31.6 avg.) two yrs. ago when the mighty Mitch Berger was dinged up (after Sepulveda went on IR during preseason).

Yet, Paul T. Ernster made every person who had the guts to buy an ERNSTER 5 jersey damn proud when, one week after he failed to extend the Colts' 40-year losing streak in Pittsburgh, by stretching the Chargers' regular-season record to 0-13 in Pittsburgh when he, as the punter-off-the-street, took the snap from the snapper-off-the-street (Jared Retkofsky) and executed a professional placement for Jeff Reed's chippie FG w/ :11 to play, making the Steelers victorious in the first-ever 11-10 game in NFL history.

You can't buy memories like that.

Now, none of us civilians who don't work in the Steelers' front office knows who'll be brought in to create new memories. But, with the way that Sepulveda keeps gettin' hisself all hurt, maybe the Steelers need to spend the offseason considering the step-two-three-kick stylings of somebody like a Hendrix Blakefield of Western Kentucky or a Kiel Rasp of Washington or maybe even C.J. Feagles of North Carolina.

Hendrix Blakefield and Kiel Rasp (whose names might be real or made-up, nobody's sure) are punters who wear #99 and #94, respectively ... and Kiel Rasp is a soph. and Hendrix Blakefield is a frosh., as is C.J. Feagles.

We don't know if any of 'em is apt to turn pro after this bowl season ... and, Feagles ranked only 113th in the NCAA in avg./punt ... but, THEN AGAIN, he is the son of the man who played more games than anyone in NFL history, SOHHHHH ...

Hendrix Blakefield ...
Kiel Rasp ...
That's frickin' awesome ...

+ + +

Get Warmed Up, #5 Piotr Czech!

... 'cuz it seems as though the Steelers' brass (wait ... brass? made of steel?) has had enough of the quirky (or bizarre) Jeff Reed.

We don't know if Piotr Czech (seen here during that breathtaking 17-0 win

over the Bills during the '09 preseason) will be offered a second chance a Steelers PK job (WHICH WAS STOLEN FROM HIM!) during a PK audition in the next few days ... but it is fun to ponder the possibilities of purchasing an authentic (or replica) CZECH 5 Steelers jersey, isn't it?

Perhaps Jeff Reed isn't quite as amused, considering he was axed almost 8 full yrs. to the day when he was signed as an in-season replacement for Todd Peterson (ol' semi-unreliable #2).

Whether it was a concern for peroxide sales or for the safety of towel dispensers in a Sheetz near you, dumping Jeff Reed has all the earmarks of a panic move.

The simple math was this: 11 of 13 FG on the road, 4 of 9 at home (0-4 in the 40-49 range) ...

True ... it might've been a matter of what was inside (or not inside) Jeff Reed's head -- or maybe it's a matter of finally admitting that the field surface and the crazy crosswinds make Heinz a PK graveyard.

Uh, oh ... word on the street is that something named Shaun Suisham -- not Piotr Czech (or, for that matter, international footballer, Petr Cech) -- will be the new PK on the hot seat.

"Who do you think you are, Shaun Suisham ... an ultra-modern Booth Lusteg?"

This latest development reminds ya a little of what happened to Kris Brown ... the previous #3 PK in black n' gold.

Remember how he led the NFL w/ 44 FGA in '01, but was only 6-15 from 40-49 yds. the first season of Heinz Field?

After he was 86'ed, he was 11-14 from 40-49 yds. for the Texans in '02 ... the first yr. of Reliant Stadium and its kicker-friendly surface.

Analytics such as that probably weren't going to save a guy who gained immense street cred when he destroyed that Sheetz towel dispenser shortly after SB43.

But, now it's "adios" to the man who kicked the FG two seasons ago which provided the winning margin in the only 11-10 game in NFL history.

And it was Jeff Reed's professional PAT as the clock read "0:00" which provided the winning margin last season in the only 37-36 game in NFL history.

We'll never forget his winning FG w/ :17 to play which provided the only points during the lowest-scoring game in the history of Monday Night Football (that classic, 3-0 win over Miami in the Heinz Field slop in '07).

And, most recently, it was Reed's FG in the final seconds three weeks (on the road!) which provided the winning margin in the only 23-22 game in Steelers history (maybe in NFL history, I dunno).

Maybe there were transgressions which we'll never know about -- but, all I know is that Jeff Reed represents the Sheetz Towel Dispenser Destroyer in all of us.

That should count for something, shouldn't it?

+ + +

Who The Hell Is Rachel Coating?

Finestine stumbled into our lives today by working his way onto the local radio, blah blah blah blah ... the rumor that a nearby team (the D.C. Deadskins) "cut their playbook in half" to suit the QB (McNabb) is proof that the message sent by the head coach (Shanahan) is laden with Rachel Coating.

Finestine, the guy who writes the last-page column which you never read in the magazine (the Sporting News) which you don't subscribe to, might've actually used the R-word (a "race cyst") to describe Shanahan (none of us can remember, but the implication was so overt, it was ridiculous) as a summation for the aftermath/fallout of the McNabb-for-Sexy-Rexy benching last Sunday -- and it seems mighty obvious that Finestine if hell-bent on furthering some sort of an agenda.

When Finestine got into a crossfire thing with The Sports Fix's Kevin Sheehan and Thom Lovero -- and then later w/ Steve Czaban -- he fired blanks in all directions in a blind, race-baiting line-of-reasoning which makes Mel Gibson's train of thought seem "reasonable and grounded."

And, that's really sad for the newborn baby of a 54-year-old.
What ... that she's the daughter of a Jew?
No ... that she is the spawn of a loudmouthed slob who has linked Mike Shanahan to Rachel Coating.

Aside from the fact that Finestine would prefer a coach named Rosenberg or Rosenstein (or Goldberg or Goldstein), maybe it all boils down to the fact that he's reading too much into an unconfirmed rumor (sometimes called "a leak").

It's a shame (or a pity ... not sure which) that it had to come to this. After all, if we used Finestine's own flimsy line of reasoning against him, we'd have to revoke his right to be the "color commentator" (term used loosely) on Navy football broadcasts (read: another vehicle for John to blah blah blah blah into a live microphone).

For us American citizens who aren't into the whole synagogue thing, we can't help by wonder if the next time we bump into Finey, we might not say: "Hey-ya, buddy ... what does a doughy, talks-too-much Jewboy like you know about football? I mean, REALLY know about the game. Didja play the sport? Or didja get the crap kicked outta ya by football players before they stole your dreidel and played Frisbee with your yarmulke?"

A long time ago, a lot of realized that fatsos who never played the game shouldn't talk about the game as though they did.
Until we get some laws in this country to restrict dumbshits from doin' dumbshit things, Finestine will be allowed the freedom to do more than gather quotes and regurgitate those quotes.

Oh ... and linger too long near the shower area ...

Johnny needs to stick to the sports he sucks at (tennis, golf, swimming laps at the Y) and allow us to get on with our lives w/o polluting our brains with assertions that Rodge The Commish should be investigating and resolving with a forearm shiver to Johnny's checkbook.

Finey was one step from asserting that Shanahan thinks McNabb is a stupid, lazy N-word -- a fine-able offense, to be sure.
(Yeah, that's what he implied, Rodge ... )

On the lighter side of matter, we COULD employ an open-minded viewpoint wherein we weigh the possibility that Coach Shanny and QB Donny had a wager that an actual Deadskins playbook could not be cut in in half by using a ban saw or a mitre saw.

When the experiment was complete ... "yes! we cut the playbook in half for Donovan TO DEMONSTRATE THAT A MITRE SAW CAN ACTUALLY CUT A 3-RING BINDER AND ITS CONTENTS IN HALF."

Case closed, Feinberg.

So, tell Rachel Coating and her racial coding to sit the hell down and shut the F up.

And, if ya wanna accuse Shanahan of something, put nepotism at the top of the list.

"Son of Shan" (o-coordinator Kyle Shanahan) is barely qualified to sweep the hallways at FedEx Field ...

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