tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-213234442024-03-21T12:37:44.550-11:00Bobblehead ConflictNo matter the outcome, they keep smilin'. DAMN THEM!!!Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.comBlogger354125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-15850286807215383872013-01-25T21:21:00.000-11:002013-01-26T17:12:25.458-11:00Te'o-GateAllow the recent plight of Manti Te'o to serve as a reminder to us all: No controversy in this once-mighty nation is worth a damn if it doesn't have a " - gate" affixed to the end of it.<br />
By doing so, credibility is achieved.<br />
It's probably in the Constitution (if any of us had the time to read it) ... <br />
<br />
Now that we've established the rules n' regs of <strong>Te'o-Gate</strong>, we can proceed with the attack of the talking points which the mainstream media has missed (or avoided) in this coast-to-coast controversy which has pushed Lance Armstrong to Page 2.<br />
A comment board is one place for the Airing of Grievances, but such arenas are fraught with name-calling, specious reasoning, circular logic and a lack of concise, biting sarcasm.<br />
<br />
Besides, the only purpose that a comment board serves is to raise more questions, usually more serious questions such as:<br />
1) "Who's really telling the truth?"<br />
2) "Was Te'o lonely and not in the mood to phone Lava Links?"<br />
3) "Is he gay?" ("Am I?" ... "Are you?")<br />
4) "Is this hoax a desperate tactic of misdirection aimed at diverting our attention from the fact that Te'o wore a strand of ivy to the Heisman Trophy ceremony?"<br />
5) "Would not Marcus Mariota have been a better Hawaiian Heisman Hopeful, given the fact that he might actually be a better freshman QB than Johnny Football -- and given the fact that, if they switched teams, Marcus Mariota might've run the A&M offense better than Manziel would run the Quack Attack offense?" (just sayin' ... )<br />
6) "Can we now finally conclude that, as a person, Manti Te'o is a wee bit dense ... and that, as a linebacker, he was mite overrated (and, therefore, we don't have to re-structure our coll.-FB linebacking pantheon and rank him with the greats we've seen during the past 40 yrs., which computes to the likes of Lawrence Taylor, Brian Bosworth, Derrick Brooks, Mike Singletary, Trev Alberts, Marvin Jones, Chris Spielman and who's missing?)<br />
7) "What the hell ever happened to the Te'o that I remember from my childhood -- Sanmuh Te'o?"<br />
<br />
The fallout from this perp-vs.-vic scenario is depressing, especially since it involved a Tuiasosopo-on-Te'o dynamic in a disturbing Tongan genre.<br />
You'd never see a Tatupu-on-Tuipulotu crime in the Tongan/Samoan genre, but, apparently, this is what happens when a d*mbshit sits down at the computer and gets palsy-walsy on Facebook/Twitter/whichever with somebody he's never met instead of getting "spiritual" with actual flesh-and-blood in his own neighborhood.<br />
It's probably a good thing that Manti didn't open an e-mail from somebody who claimed to be King Kamehameha or this controversy would be twice the shitst*rm it is now.<br />
<br />
<em>* [Sidebar, Your Honour: Everybody remembers the first time they met a Samoan/Tongan ... when he/she was confusing USC's Mosi Tatupu for UCLA's Manu Tuiasosopo right about the time that California Angels first baseman Tony Solaita was establishing himself as the first Samoan in the bigs ... which was a few years before any of us would see Cheyenne Tuufuli in the San Jose State dining commons and wonder if his sacking of QB Samoa Samoa of Washington State (the school which gave us "The Throwin' Samoan") would be well-received in the island nations which are only approx. 600 miles apart in the South Pacific, yet are divided by the International Date Line, meaning that when it's time for a 1 o'clock lunch on a <u>Tuesday</u> in Samoa, they're just finishing their lunch and it's back to the 1 o'clock shift at the factory on a <u>Wednesday</u> in Tonga -- which means that every Tongan can taunt a Samoan with, "You are soooooo yesterday's news!" ... which may not matter to everybody's all-time favourite Hawaiian QB (Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada) or to everybody's all-time favourite Samoan RB (Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala), I dunno ... ]</em><br />
<br />
That was a mighty long sidebar ... almost as long as it takes for Manti Te'o to give non-answers about his non-existent girlfriend.<br />
Where it all went wrong for the overrated LB for 2012's most-overrated team was that he wasn't tipped off by that totally-made-up name: "Lennay Kekua."<br />
It''d be different if her name was "Kila Ka'aihue" -- except that Kila Ka'aihue is the Kansas City Royals washout who got some ABs w/ the A's last year.<br />
<br />
Y'see, when it comes to fictitious names, it's a lot easier to be duped by a chick named "Leilani Kahlua-Kahlua."<br />
That's a personal favourite because a former co-worker/friend of mine said that she always loved the name "Leilani" ... and "Kahlua" kinda sorta looks like somebody's last name when the bottle is in your hand and your thumb is covering the last two letters on the label.<br />
<br />
I never banged my Leilani (who had a rockin' bod and a quasi-exotic-Polynesian-like look even though she was from Hackensack of all places, BTW), although I told all my friends that I did.<br />
That is, if I had any friends.<br />
Then or now ... <br />
<br />
So, when nobody asks me about my relationship with any of the members of my wrecking crew -- be it Arch Stanton, Rolo Tomassi, Henry Krinkle, Randall Stevens, Larry Dickman, John Coctosetoy, Vince Clortho, Jerry Callo, Mitch Kumsteen and Joey JoJo Junior Shabadeaux, I can explain their existence a lot better than Te'o pieced together the non-existence of an admirer who was the product of some tag-team flim-flammery which, from what it sounds like, was so junior-varsity in its conception and execution.<br />
Which doesn't say a lot about that top-notch cirriculum in ol' South Bend.<br />
Because Manti definitely flunked Dumbshit Avoidance 101 ... <br />
<br />
The problem w/ Te'o was that he dived headlong into the worst scenario possible: "Real-Life Moments With Fabricated Characters."<br />
It NEEDS to be the other way around: "Make-Believe Moments With Actual People."<br />
Doing it the first way leads to Google searches, Yahoo searches, Bing searches ... and then America comes to learn that Leilani Kahlua-Kahlua doesn't exist.<br />
Game over ... <br />
<br />
However, the second option is loads more fun -- and practically only-partially researchable.<br />
Example: <em>"I didn't take (_______) to Homecoming, but I asked her out a week later and did her in the back set of my car. Suuuuu-weet."</em><br />
Who's gonna disprove it? Associates from that era can tell ya that (________) definitely existed, but they don't know details.<br />
And, if they ever did re-construct part of the past, they'll never fill in the blanks.<br />
'Cuz it falls under the heading of "plausible deniability."<br />
Which is covered by he-said/she-said statutes ... <br />
<br />
<em>"I did a lot of heroin in college and I beat the crap out of a homeless dude when I was dopesick and Jonesing for a fix real bad."</em><br />
<em></em><br />
<em>"I have in my possession the Purple Heart and the Silver Star that my dad earned during the Korean War."</em><br />
Where are they? Can we see them? the neighbors asked.<br />
<em>"They were lost during that bad flood six years ago ... "</em><br />
<br />
<em>"I attended Super Bowl XXX."</em><br />
<br />
<em>"I sank the winning bucket twice in college games which led us to the championship."</em> (Actually, one was a halfcourt shot -- baseball pass -- at the halftime whistle in a game which we were losing by 20 ... the other was a halfcourt shot -- 2-handed chest pass -- at the end of a game which we were probably losing by 25 ... for an intramural team which, I believe, went 0-8)<br />
<br />
<em>"After a hearty session of grinding with The Blonde from something like midnight 'til 2 a.m., she went home and then my brief zzzzzz session was halted when The Brunette who was tryin' semi-desperately to remain The Girlfriend stopped by at 7 a.m. on her way to work for "a quickie."</em><br />
(Wait ... that one really did happen)<br />
<br />
Those are the types of stories I usually share with my buddies, a 10-member posse which possesses an almost-as-interesting array of backstories which would impress the panties off of Lennay Kekua.<br />
They're all well-known without being "too" renowned.<br />
The thumbnails read as such:<br />
<strong></strong><br />
<strong>Arch Stanton</strong>, as we all know, resides, as it were, next to Unknown and he was the key to Blondie and Tuco Benedicto Pacifico Juan Maria Ramirez locating and unearthing the $200,000 in Confederate gold coins.<br />
<em>"There are two kinds of people in the world ... those with loaded guns and those who dig.</em><br />
<em>"You dig ... "</em><br />
<strong>Rolo Tomassi</strong> has lived in infamy as the purse snatcher who killed Preston Exley, the father of Lt. Edmund Exley -- and, in case it slipped your mind, Rolo Tomassi is "the one who gets away with it."<br />
<strong>Henry Krinkle of 345 Hopper Avenue in Fair Lawn, New Jersey</strong> is the guy who asked the Secret Service agent if he actually was a Secret Service agent.<br />
And he did so by asking, <em>"You a Secret Service agent?"</em><br />
<em>"Just waiting for the Senator ... "</em><br />
Henry Krinkle of 345 Hopper Avenue's response was: <em>"That's a very good answer. Shitttttt ... I'm just waitin' for the sun to shine."</em><br />
(We never did learn if there actually was a Hopper Avenue, did we?)<br />
<strong>Randall Stevens</strong> is the silent silent partner. He's the guilty one, Your Honour -- and Warden Norton's dirty money is in several accounts in Randall Stevens' name in banks near Shawshank.<br />
<strong>Larry Dickman </strong>... y'gotta love that guy. He was strolling down the sidewalk wearing a SF Giants cap and eatin' a green apple as he approached the massage parlor in search of that girl named Wanda when he tossed the uneaten portion of the apple into the gutter (maybe ... we definitely know that he DIDN'T toss it into a nearby trash receptacle) and entered the building -- and that was before Wanda, a member of Bobby Maxwell's gang, put a gun to the head of the bridge operator during the kidnapping of the mayor moments he'd departed Candleshit Park in the limo and remarked to his asst. Jimmy, <em>"I wish we could've stayed. Looks like the Giants are finally going to win one."</em><br />
Jimmy: <em>"Oh, I don't know, sir. It looks like it's going to be a no-hitter."</em><br />
(Greatest moment EVER in a SF Giants scenario -- that is, until Gil Rennard was wearing his SF Giants cap as he was driving his son to Opening Day as the Stones' "Start Me Up" was blaring ... and the kid said to Dad, <em>"Jason Pelligrini says Mick Jagger is gay"</em> -- to which Gil growled: <em>"Jason Pelligrini's dad takes it up the ass!"</em><br />
<em></em><br />
Meanwhile, everybody's remembers when <strong>John Cock ... tose ... toy </strong>first approached Gail Stanwyck on the tennis court and introduced himself with that unusual name.<em> "It's a beautiful name,"</em> Gail Stanwyck told him. <em>"It's Scotch-Romanian,"</em> John said ... prompting Gail Stanwyck to remark, <em>"That's an odd combination."</em><br />
<em>"So are my parents."</em><br />
Everybody thinks his name is "Coctosen," but that ain't what he said to Gail ...<strong> </strong><br />
<strong>Oh, and Vince Clortho</strong>? He's classic ... especially when he was occupying Louis Tully's body as he searched for Gozer The Gozarian ... <br />
BTW, <strong>Jerry Callo</strong> is NOT Jerry Gallo as he initially told Judge Chamberlain Haller. Jerry Gallo is dead, so Jerry Callo might actually be Vincent Gambini, who is not Vince Clortho ... <br />
For the record, <strong>Mitch Kumsteen</strong> was expelled for night-putting with the dean's daughter (status: winner!).<br />
<strong>Joey JoJo Junior Shabadeaux</strong> is the friend of a friend.<br />
Moe at Moe's Tavern shook his head:<em> "That's the worst name I've ever heard ... "</em><br />
<br />
It's important for me to remember their names and to rehearse their back stories ... just in case Jeremy Schaap or Katie Couric shows up and tosses softballs at me.<br />
If only Manti Te'o had an Arch Stanton or a Rolo Tomassi or a Vince Clortho, maybe his story wouldn't sound my (imaginary) friends, he wouldn't've found it necessary to make-believe with a lover who didn't exist.<br />
Maybe he should've told Leilani Kahlua-Kahlua that his real name was Tony Lerma.<br />
Tony Lerma, in case you've forgotten, was the name on the list during the only 10 minutes I've ever watched of "Castle."<br />
It's the episode "47 Seconds," as any ol' Arch Stanton will tell ya ... and the name of the prime bomber suspect (a character named Andrew Harrison, in case it matters) appeared on that computer printout list ... one line above the name of Tony Lerma.<br />
The only reason that matters is because that 10 minutes which I wasted on "Castle" occurred on the Saturday night 24 hrs. before the close of the London Olympics. On another network less than an hour earlier, the lead character (Clyde Shelton) was a law-abiding citizen who forged a fake I.D. in order to pose as a janitor to plant a bomb.<br />
The name on the I.D.?<br />
<strong>Tony Lerma!!!</strong><br />
<br />
So many options -- yet, Manti played it all wrong ... from the two dozen white roses to the strand of ivy 'round his neck at the Heisman presentation.<br />
If only he'd remembered that the hnadbook for how to handle such matters is The Three S's -- "Simpsons," "Scott/Schrute/Scranton," "Seinfeld."<br />
All of life's answers are contained within.<br />
It never fails ... <br />
<br />
Like the time when Timmy O'Toole fell down the well and a shirtless Sting led the rescue effort.<br />
Except there was no Timmy O'Toole ... and he wasn't prohibited by Principal Skinner from attending elementary school "because of my shabby clothes."<br />
<br />
Then, there was the time when Michael tried to reconcile his grief re: the death of Ed Truck ... and in the conference room, Pam provided comfort with the story of her aunt who was a really great boxer, but then she was in a coma and there was some issue about taking her off life-support ... a particularly-poignant moment, much moreso than when Michael and Dwight visited the grave of the recently-departed chair-model gal who they didn't know ... <br />
<br />
But, those anecdotes were was nuthin' compared to the time when Peggy thought that Elaine was Susie (<em>"not Sooz ... it's Sooo-zeeee!"</em>), so Elaine uncomplicated her life (so she thought) by informing Mr. Peterman that Susie had taken her own life last night ... but, holy crap, that was a packed house for the memorial service, wasn't it?<br />
Mr. Peterman captured the spirit of the day by telling the crowd of mourners that, when working late on the catalog one night, he and Suzie surrendered to temptation ... <em>"and it was pritttt-teee good."</em><br />
Jerry (turning to Peggy): <em>"Yeah, but he didn't sleep with both of them."</em> (wink)<br />
I'm catchin' yer drift, Jer ... <br />
<br />
There was no Timmy O'Toole ... there was no 3-D chair-model gal ... there was no Susie.<br />
Tony Lerma, though ... he's very real.<br />
<em>"Just remember, Jerry. It's not a lie ... if YOU believe it."</em><br />
<br />
Since Manti Te'o will continue to look like the world's biggest sucker/doofus/simpleton with each interview he gives (that "spiritual" angle and the "impacting people's lives" mantra rings hollow when he's not visiting the cancer kids ward at the nearest hospital or when he's not providing us with autographed footballs which we can put up for sale on eBay 15 minutes later), he could play the Curse of Jersey Number 5 angle and ask us to leave him alone.<br />
For those who cannot remember, #5 is the Irish jersey number which was jinxed by the football gods ever since Paul Hornung undeservedly won the Heisman for a 2-win team.<br />
I'd say, "Ask #5 Rodney Culver ... " (backfield teammate of Mirer and Bettis), but he died in that JetBlue crash in the Florida Everglades back in '96 when he was only 26.<br />
I'd say, "Ask #5 Blair Kiel ... " -- (uncle of Gunnar Kiel) but he died at age 50 a few months before Lennay Kekua's fake death.<br />
There's no other choice -- except to ask #5 Terry Hanratty.<br />
<br />
But, not now -- because the dying words of Bill Carson were "Arch Stanton" ... and the dying words of Det. Jack Vincennes were "Rolo Tomassi" and now I've gotta go check it out and see if there's a connection.<br />
Or if Bill Carson and Jack Vincennes faked their own deaths.<br />
Which is the popular thing to do nowadays ... <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-76707422297029544122012-04-02T10:01:00.000-11:002013-01-26T17:13:10.403-11:00PHILLIES: The Luis Aguayo Sweepstakes!This is gonna be fun ... although when the dust settles (and the ink dries) on this 2012 season, that 80-82 record might be another matter.<br />
Oh well, it's like that song from 30 yrs. ago told us: " We had joy, we had fun, we lost popups in the sun ... " blah blah blah, the stars we could reach were just starfish on the beach, et cetera, et cetera, god, that song was frickin' lame ...<br />
There was nuthin' lame, however, about five consecutive N.L. East titles, not to mention the '08 and '09 playoff punch-outs of the Dodjerks.<br />
102 wins last year had us shaking our heads because, deep down, with the offense that struggled mightily at times, we knew that they weren't quite that good (which LaLoser and St. Loooo proved in the playoffs).<br />
Even with the expanded wild-card playoff format, these twenty-twelve Phils ain't goin' nowhere, instead destined to slug it out w/ the Citi Field Mess for the N.L. East basement.<br />
No biggie ... just makes the postseason less-aggravating.<br />
That's why I've assembled my usual crew to play "Which Phillie Is Gonna Lead This Punchless Squad In Homers?"<br />
<b>ROLO TOMASSI</b> sez it's gonna be Rollins with 16 ... <br />
<b>ARCH STANTON</b>'s pick to click is John Mayberry with 15 (same as last year, even w/ more ABs) ...<br />
<b>HENRY KRINKLE</b> of 345 Hopper Ave. in Fair Lawn, New Jersey is convinced that the top gone-yard guy will be Hunter Pence w/ 22 ...<br />
Screw all you guys! I'm goin' w/ the upset special -- Ryan Howard w/ 25 (all of 'em AFTER the All-Star Break) ...<br />
Winner gets a new, fully-loaded Daihatsu ... <br />
<br />
Jeez ... was it only yesterday when it was 2007/2008/2009 and everybody was talking about the offense? Reminder: In '07, the Phils were 4-41 when they scored three runs or fewer; last year, they were 31-48 when scoring less than 4 runs.<br />
That's quite an eye-opener (and not a bad won-loss %, all things considered) ... but, it's an illustration of the contrasts in compositions of pennant-winners.<br />
Remember back in '09 when the guys were goin' deep regularly -- Howard (45), Werth (36), Ibanez (34), Utley (31), Rollins (21) -- and all we heard was the constant chirping about how The Cit was a homer-friendly bandbox?<br />
Isn't it funny how "THEY" won't be saying that say that about The Cit any more -- at least, they won't be in mid-Aug. when Ty Wigginton and Laynce Nix are each stuck on 9 HRs ... and leaving us breathless with which Phillie fella is gonna get to double-digits first.<br />
Unless one (or both) is on the DL at the time and The Overrated Rube is looking to "make a move!" by signing Bubba Trammell outta retirement.<br />
And, it's all good ... the Fightin's offense has ridden on the backs of Utley and Howard for six full seasons ('06 thru '11) w/ strong complimentary pieces acquired via farmhands from the late-'90s drafts (Rollins, Burrell) and players who were other team's rejects (Victorino, Werth).<br />
It worked ... but, now it's over ... the glitter is gone. We saw a glimpse of that late last season when Domonic Brown -- THE "prospect" who was nuthin' more than some guy w/ Von Hayes' dimensions (lanky, good wheels), the Von Hayes uniform # (9) and the batting stance/mechanics/results of Bobby Tolan -- wasn't given a sniff of PT, yet something named "John Bowker" was signed as I was roadtrippin' to Illinois w/ the Mrs. and the SuperDawg.<br />
Bowker's balance sheet: 13 ABs, zero (0) hits, 7 strikeouts ... <br />
There are no blue-chippers down on the farm -- not a somewhat-reliable George Vukovich or a speedster Juan Samuel ... and that includes the young "talent" which was bartered for Halladay, Lee and Pence.<br />
None of those guys excited me, Rolo Tomassi, Arch Stanton or Henry Krinkle of 345 Hopper Ave. in Fair Lawn, New Jersey.<br />
Let's see how many of them "pan out."<br />
It sez here: "none."<br />
Now, it doesn't seem all that likely that the pitching can offset offensive woes. Halladay'll go 17-10, Lee 13-12, Hamels 12-11, Worley 9-11 ... and one of 'em is bound to see some DL time, so, hey! hey! Joey Blants ... time to show us that 6-8 / 4.78 form which we know you're capable of!<br />
Nuthin' promising about this squad, folks -- unless you get off on watchin' Kyle Kendrick (6-6 / 4.32) starting the final game of the season w/ the 80-81 Phils lookin' to finish at exactly .500.<br />
There's just too much bad ju-ju floatin' around this team, most-notably the COMPLETE disbanding of the 2-yr. experiment of The Gload, The Brad & The Utley.<br />
And then there's this: With the addition of Chad Qualls to the pitching staff, the Phils have now achieved the rarest of hat tricks: Tom Qualters, Paul Quantrill, Chad Qualls ...<br />
Fasten yer seatbelts 'cuz it probably won't spell "QUALL-ity" when all is said and done.<br />
That's a lotta non-quality on the mound of Phillies team history.<br />
Kinda makes ya yearn for the days of Paul Spoljaric ... <br />
<br />
# # # #Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-90007345393633675252011-12-24T19:23:00.004-11:002012-03-03T19:24:20.553-11:00STEELERS: Bill Clay's alive?Any time that Big Play, Willie Gay roams the Steeler secondary on the same Xmas Eve in which somebody named Have-A-Day, Johnny Clay puts on a blk-n'-ylw Steeler jersey and turns his first NFL carry into an 10-yd. TD, one can't help but think of the name which Hans Gruber used when he met John McClane face-to-face for the first time.<div><br /></div><div>"Clay ... Bill Clay ..." -- <i>the very name which he stole from the Nakatomi Bldg. directory!!!!</i></div><div><br /></div><div><i></i>Willie Gay ... Johnny Clay ... just stay out of their way or you'll pay, listen to what I say.<i> "How about I just go eat some hay? I could make things out of clay and lay by the bay. I just may, whaddya say?"</i> </div><div><br /></div><div>That's too much movie overlap too early in this transmission, but that's what happens when the Rams appear on the schedule. The only truly memorable moment of today's 27-0 win (other than the simply breathtaking [!] John Clay TD run) occurred during the opening drive when #96 for St.L (I'm too uninterested to look up his name; let's just say that it WASN'T Deacon Jones, okay?) zeroed in on the creaky-armed Charlie Batch and as #96 was about to gobble up the creaky-armed QB, creaky-armed Charlie Batch executed a nifty duck-for-cover/slide-to-his-left scramble before making the slightly-downfield flip (by using his creaky arm) to Rashard Mendenhall, which the RB turned into a 35-yard gain.</div><div><br /></div><div>That HAD to please the 17-28 fans at Heinz who were wearing their #5 MENDENHALL jerseys.</div><div><br /></div><div>As well as the 3 fans wearing their #16 BATCH jerseys.</div><div><br /></div><div>But, since today might very well have been the final game at Heinz this season, we'll have to wait for the 2012 season opener to see if more than 6 fans are bold enough to wear their #38 CLAY jerseys.</div><div><br /></div><div>It's too early (in his career) to tell if John Clay can achieve the #38 status which was carved out by previous #38 greats such as Sidney Thornton, Tim Worley, Jon Wittman and Carey Davis (the only ones which come to mind off the top of my head ... the last non-RB to wear that #38, as we recall, was LB Ed Bradley, the white guy who had the same name as the black guy on <i>60 Minutes</i>, just as Mike Wallace is the black WR w/ the same name as the white <i>60 Minutes</i> guy -- which fascinates me because, when we were kids in the '70s, the Colts had that white center named Mendenhall and the Giants had that black D-lineman named Mendenhall and it just sorta seemed like a cool name which blacks and whites could share equally, much the way that Rashard and BYU coach Bronco do nowadays and ... ) ... </div><div><br /></div><div>... jeez, is it already time to get ready for the Browns? </div><div><br /></div><div>Tough times for that ballclub which once had a black guy at THE QUARTERBACK POSITION named Spergon Wynn ... from the same '00 Draft as Tom Brady.</div><div><br /></div><div>Watching three minutes of that Browns-Ravens game today (played in the stadium outside which the Johnny U. statue w/ the HUGE bulge in his football overshadows the textbook throwing mechanics he demonstrated back in the days before it was called THE QUARTERBACK POSITION) ... oh, r-r-r-right, we were talkin' 'bout why the NFL is usually a big, fat NFW (No Fucking Way).</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Today's epicenter of irritation was when Michael Adams was flagged for interfering w/ WR Torrey Smith on the Ravens' first play from scrimmage (by the quarterback position making a deeeep throw to a speedster playing the wide receiver position the offensive side of the ball) ... the result: a 60-yard P.I. for a FD at the Browns' 9-yd. line.</span></span></div><div><br /></div><div>It was a VERY iffy call by a guy playing the DB position vs. someone at the WR position ... and, if it is THAT borderline w/o the aid of a review, well ... let's face it: there's "no fucking wayyyyyy" that's a 60-yard P.I.</div><div><br /></div><div>A 60-yd. freebie? The Brownies woulda been better off allowing a shitty backup DL hit Flacco after the whistle and then pick up three personal-foul penalties for 1) facemask 2) felony facemask 3) piledriving and/or sodomy.</div><div><br /></div><div>Why not?</div><div>Put that motherflacco outta the game, outta the playoffs.</div><div><br /></div><div>After the Brownies backup scrub is ejected, the refs can march off four 15-yd. penalties.</div><div><br /></div><div>But, let's say that the motherflacco QB survives the violation, it might be worth it to have four Browns jump offsides before the next snap and beat Motherflacco within an inch of his life.</div><div><br /></div><div>Hey ... it's only "half the distance to the goal" (laugh track).</div><div><br /></div><div>First down at the 4-and-a-half yard line (laugh track).</div><div><br /></div><div>Goodell's really earnin' his $10 mil-per, ain't he?</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small; "><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small; ">Just kidding ...</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"># # # # # </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: -webkit-xxx-large;"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div>Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-37104220985964849392011-12-15T20:05:00.020-11:002012-02-10T14:20:20.347-11:00Timpossible? ... or Tebowgus?<em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Uh oh, Spaghetti-O's ... the Dec. 19 edition of S.I. has arrived on this Dec. 15 -- and the coverboy is (drumroll please for The S.I. Cover Jinx) the name of the Denver Broncos QB in big, block letters [exclamation point!] ...</span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">It ain't </span></span><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">ELWAYYYYYY!</span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Or </span></span><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">JAKE THE S-S-S-S-SNAKE!</span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Or </span></span><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">BUBB-BEEEEEE!!!</span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">No, the Bronco QB which Dec. 19's S.I. cover has dubbed as </span></span><span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:130%;"><span style="color:#3333ff;">Amazing, Incredible, Phenomenal, Incomprehensible, Mind-Blowing, Unbelievable ...</span> </span></strong></em><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">is none other than (wait a second ... if we're gonna use those terms, it's GOTTA be jazzed up w/ more exclamation points, i.e.:</span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Amazing!!! - </span></span></strong></em><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Incredible!!! - </span></span></strong></em><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Award-Winning Smile!!! - </span></span></strong></em><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Phenomenal!!! - </span></span></strong></em><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">John 3:16!!! - I</span></span></strong></em><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">ncomprehensible!!! - ORGASMIC!!! - </span></span></strong></em><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Mind-Blowing!!! - </span></span></strong></em><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Finger-Lickin' Good!!! - Unfuckingb</span></span></strong></em><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">elievable!!! ... all of this we must do in the name of (and adhering completely in direct compliance to) the </span></span></strong></em><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">T.E.P.E. -- the Total Exclamation Point Experience, not unlike that time at Pendant Publishing when Mr. Lippman called Elaine into his office to discuss the final edit of the Jake Jarmel book and to share his gripe with the so-called inordinate number of exclamation points, i.e. <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000099;">"It was a damp and chilly afternoon, so I decided to put on MY SWEATSHIRT!"</span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FF0000;">***</span>Obviously, Lippman simply didn't subscribe to a T.E.P.E., although Elaine could have side-stepped the T.E.P.E. matter entirely by using BOLD, ALL-CAPS W/ LARGER PT. SIZE ..and now I can't remember how many parentheses and brackets I've used and ... ]</span></span></strong></em><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:15;"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:130%;"></span></strong></em></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:15;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#009900;">OKAY!!! </span></span>... Back to the topic of S.I. cover art, this Dec. 19 issue has a cover which folds out (making it a -- sorry, Lippman -- TWO-PAGE COVER!!!) -- and, o</span></strong></em></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:15;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;">n this fold-out pg., we have what they call "a drop-quote" ... a remark from </span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;">Champ Bailey, of all people, who remarks: </span></strong></em></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:15;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color:#3333ff;">"I don't know what to compare it to. I've never seen anything like it."</span></span></strong></em></span></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:15;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></strong></em></span></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;">Does he mean he's never seen anything like the fold-out -- or the necktie in my closet w/ a monogrammed W.J.T.O.T.T.T.M.H? on it (which I may or may not wear to church if I ever decide to attend Sunday services again and wear something other than MY SWEATSHIRT!!!)???</span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></strong></em></span></span><br /><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">In case it's unclear: W.W.J.T.O.T.T.T.M.H? = an acronym for "What Would Jesus Think Of This Tim Tebow Mega-Hype?"</span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Whereas I can't speak for Jesus, I can speculate w/ some reliability that He believes that the S.I. cover editors/artists need to cut down a little on the meth smoked before doin' the S.I. cover editing/artistry.</span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">As per that comment from one Roland Bailey, well ... that's fairly typical. </span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Typical, that is, if y'never watched the NFL, pre-2005.</span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">For those of us who did -- and for anybody who isn't a total frickin' gambling degenerate/douchebag or fantasy-league knob (and for those of us who are enjoying a 40th season as one of the bureau chiefs for the Steelers) -- we can easily access the NFL Rewind Button in our brains and recollect the "it" factor of which Roland Bailey speaks.</span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">In this case, The "IT" Factor hit home for a lot of Americans two years ago when we saw Timmy's teardrops soaking his Florida Gators jersey as he stood on the sideline during the waning moments of the loss to Alabama in the SEC title game.</span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:15;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:15;"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:130%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">That Kodak moment caused some of us (well, "me," anyway) to quip: </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color:#ff0000;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"Lookee there! It's the Tears Of An NFL H-Back."</span></span> </span></span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;">So, in the context of "we haven't seen this before," okay ... maybe not, once we consider the collections of traits which Tim possesses, those being: 1) Moderate talent ... 2) His incredible love for God ... 3) Huge handsomeness ... 4) Lotsa smiles and an "aw, shucks" disposition (when he's not good-naturedly firing up his teammates with his amazing, incredible, phenomenal, incomprehensible, mind-blowing INTENSITY and WILL TO WIN [exclamation point!].</span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;">Other than that, we <u>HAVE</u> seen left QBs who can scramble (Steve Young, Mike Vick, even Snake Stabler) ... </span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;">We <u>HAVE</u> seen religious QBs (Kurt Warner, Roger Staubach) ...</span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;">We <u>HAVE</u> seen handsome QBs who are competitive (too many to list here ... "that's you, Bert Jones and/or Steve Bartkowski") ...</span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#009900;">What we HAVEN'T seen</span> is a QB who, every time he winds up to throw, appears as though he's throwing a halfback-option pass w/ the same body mechanics which you or I might use while attempting to wing a sofa cushion from the front porch to the mailbox.</span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#009900;">What we HAVEN'T seen</span> is Timmy Teebs making very many QB-looking plays from what the Disneyland Football Channel calls "the quarterback position."</span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;">In reference to that 7-1 record (or whatever it was) when subpar opponents were melting down, maybe Roland Bailey should watch some highlights of the '04 season when a Rookie Named Roethlisberger was goin' 14-0 while actually QBing the way a QB does (while playing what the EspyNetwork calls "the quarterback position") and making Roethlisbelievers outta many of us.</span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;">FYI: A 14-0 record trumps a 7-1 record.</span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color:#ff6600;">Roland Bailey?</span> A lot of us will remember him as the guy who got toasted in his home stadium in the Jan. '06 AFC Championship game when BennyRoth gave that mini-shoulder-fake and then fired the ball to the corner of the end zone to an open Cedrick Wilson ... open because Roland had bitten on the inside fake, oopsie daisy ... </span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;">From a SteelerFan standpoint (which trumps Roland's cloudy recollections), we remember that Tebow never served two tours in 'Nam and then won four Super Bowl rings (as Rocky Bleier did) ...</span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;">And, we remember that Tebow never threw a Hail Mary pass which traveled 71 yds. on the fly (from his own 28-yd. line to the opposing 1-yd. line) to beat Michigan in The Big House (as Kordell Stewart did) ... </span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;">We remember that Timmy Teebs never left football for a few years to sell real estate only to return to the sport, become the MVP of the XFL's lone season and then win the NFL's Comeback Player of the Year award (as Tommy Maddox did) ... </span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;">We remember that during Teebs' "hot streak" (hot streak = 3 qtrs. of sub-standard performance), he never beat the 6-0 Patriots (snapping a 21-game win streak) and the 7-0 Eagles in back-to-back weeks in addition to providing more than one highlight for the highlights package (as Roethlisberger did) .... </span></strong></em></span></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></strong></em></span></span><br /><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">From what we know about the forgetful Roland Bailey, it's a mighty safe bet that he doesn't remember his freshman season </span></span></strong></em><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">at Georgia in 1995 when his sophomore teammate -- a flanker/running back named Hines Ward -- was the QB in the Peach Bowl, completing 31 of 59 for 413 yds. and bringing the Bulldogs back from a 24-6 deficit vs. Viginia to a 27-27 tie in the 34-27 defeat.</span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">And maybe Roland simply can't remember the Outback Bowl two years later when Hines Ward had 12 catches for 154 yards in the victory over Wisconsin and Ron Dayne.</span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">[Come to think of it, Roland probably doesn't remember how loaded '95 Ugga was -- what with future N.E. Patriots Robert Edwards, Patrick Pass, Jermaine Wiggins and Richard Seymour and a guy in Roland's own Junkyard Dawg secondary named Kirby Smart, who is currently the D-coordinator for Saban at 'Bama.]</span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Now, before anyone goes off half-cocked calling Roland a fucking moron, let's not rule out that with Teebs, nothing is impossible. </span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">It's "Tim-possible" ... </span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Just like how Big Ben made Roethlisbelievers out of us all. </span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">While it appears as though Teebs will need A LOT!!!!! (exclamation points x 5) of sessions at The Steve Clarkson Quarterback Position Academy & Taco Stand, it does seem somewhat likely that the completely-likable kid named Tim-possible can one day lift his game to the point where he'll defeat the Viet Cong, throw the 71-yard Hail Mary, sell some insurance and win his first 15 NFL starts ALL IN THE SAME WEEKEND.</span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">If anything, though, some of us would like to see/hear the kid quoting more scripture from Ecclesiates and less from Leviticus. </span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span><em><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Everybody knows that the meat of the Bible is Ecclesiates ...</span></span></strong></em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /><br /></span><div align="center"><strong><em><span style="font-family:Verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~</span></span></em></strong></div>Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-71163744865504182982011-11-11T23:02:00.016-11:002012-03-12T11:33:23.144-11:00B/Ball Fiesta Aboard The USS Karl Vincent<strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">No matter how many of Jerry Sandusky's alleged indiscretions that they try to shove down our throats today (which isn't a pretty thought when taken in a literal context), we, the citizens of what's left of Proud America, can still get in the faces of our enemies around the world (either Hamas or Hezbollah ... or the Shiites or the Sunnis, I don't remember which) with spirited chants of "U-S-A! U-S-A!" as we watch a college basketball game played on the deck of an aircraft carrier which is parked in San Diego Harbor.</span></span></em></strong><div><strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><em></em></span></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span></i></b></span><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Like so many Americans, I don't know who the hell Karl Vincent is, but, like so many other Americans, I'm happy as heck that the Afghaneeze, the Pakeeze and the Irockeeze will sleep soundly tonight under the blanket of a stars-n'-stripes "presence" ... with dreams of sugar plums dancing inside the heads of those protected Afghaneeze, Pakeeze and Irockeeze.</span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">That is ... until tomorrow when that marketplace bomb detonates at 1 p.m., local time, and a mother weeps because the heads of her son and daughter which, only hours earlier, were filled w/ dreams of dancing sugar plums were blown clean off their bodies by the blast.</span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">And, she might also be weeping because she didn't watch SportsCenter to find out how many pts./rebs Harrison Barnes finished with.</span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">C'mon, Irockee Mom ... use your iPhone app and git that score!</span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Find out if Tyler Zeller had a double-double (before he went to the nearest In-N-Out and ordered a Double Double which he cannot get back home in Carolina ...).</span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">B/BALL on a BATTLESHIP (or on an aircraft carrier, whatever ...) ... what a star-spangled thrill (!!!) -- notwithstanding the fact that the only thing missing was the ref tossing the ball in the air for the opening tipoff at exactly 11.11 seconds past 11:11 a.m. local time so that we'd've had a UNC/MSU bloodbath tipping off at 11:11.11 on 11/11/11.</span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">That would've been sooooo symbolic ... </span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Alas, that was so many yesteryears ago when Al McGuire would characterize an undersized point guard as "a PT boat" takin' it down the lane on the dribble drive, goin' up against those big aircraft carriers in the paint -- but, o</span></span></em></strong><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">ur Sporting World and our World Wars (we're up to WW5 right now, I believe) have changed so much since Al McGuire died at the outset of the new milennium.</span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Less than 10 yrs. earlier (at the outset of the '90s), Dean Smith ushered peace into a war zone known as the Persian Gulf when he canceled his Tar Heels game ... </span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Everybody remembers how the USS Karl Vincent returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown during the showdown known as DESERT STORM, but nobody seems to remember who won Desert Storm (answer: We're all winners, "yuu-ess-ayy! yuu-ess-ayy!") ... </span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">NEWSFLASH</span></u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">: Somebody somewhere just said that the name on the ship is "Carl Vinson," not Karl Vincent, the ficticious name which I've been applying.</span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">According to the Googlepedia search which was recently executed, Carl Vinson deserves his name on the side of an aircraft carrier about as much as Tony La Russa does.</span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">If the data is correct in that completely-one-sided, pro-Vinson bio on Googlepedia, it seems as though we should be calling that warship the USS Augustus Bacon.</span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Think about it: If Augustus Bacon hadn't died, well ... </span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">That's why it doesn't make a whole lotta sense to name warships in honour of those who've never tasted war. I mean, that's like naming a library or an all-girls high school "the USS Clarence Birdseye" or "the USS Julius Erving."</span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">In other words, a politician who spent somewhere between 42 to 115 yrs. sittin' in the Georgia State legislature wunderin' which bribes to accept/decline and/or which special interests/personal agendas to pursue/ignore is the guy who gets a ship named after him.</span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">If it wasn't for soldiers such as 19-year-old Kevin Rohring, for example, dying unceremoniously in a Vietnamese jungle (or in a Vietnamese rice field), Carl Vinson would've been speaking Vietnamese while he was taking $$$ from lobbyists in the morning before tossing out the ceremonial first pitch before a Braves game in the afternoon</span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Chants of "Yuu-ess-ayy! Yuu-ess-ayy!" would yield to "Ho! Chi! Minh! ... Ho! Chi! Minh!"</span></span></em></strong></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Naming battleships after people only makes sense if ya do it on the behalf of the upper-tier Americans, like, say, ohhhh ... Geronimo, considering how it was Opertation: Geronimo (executed by Seal Team 6! Seal Team 6!) which allowed Obama to defeat Osama and put an end to al-Qaeda and the Taliban forever and ever -- and it would've been so much more meaningful to some of us proud Americans if this aircraft carrier which eventually dumped bin-Laden's body into the ocean had been called the USS Crazy Horse (so named for the iconoclastic Native American who never sat on his ass inside a federal office building).</span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Bottom line: WE could compare their top times in the 40-yard dash and how much weight they can bench-press or clean n' jerk, but Geronimo and Crazy Horse probably did more for America than did Carl Vinson, the possible bribe-takin', special-interest monger.</span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">At least, we honoured their memory with warships named on behalf of U.S. states with Native American names, such as the USS Missouri (God bless you, Steven Segal in "Under Siege"!).</span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">For future American soldiers, however, we still need to consider more strongly aircraft carriers w/ names of "concepts" (i.e. the USS Enterprise or the USS Intrepid) ... or warships w/ names of words which are fun to say (i.e. the USS Caliente ... or the USS Triceratops ... or the USS Fibromyalgia)</span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15.6px; "><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"> rather than names of politicos or celebs.</span></span></em></strong></span></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Speaking of which: </span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span"><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Did my eyes deceive me or was that a Proud American named Pamela Anderson (she and "proud American" have the same initials, BTW) who was mingling w/ the glitterati and G.I.s at tonight's historic event?</span></span></em></strong></span></div><div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">That makes perfect sense! P.A. The P.A. "gets it." Sure ... her dumb blonde act is just that -- "an act." She's pro-Team USA! ... inspiring us to fight the good fight in lands far and wide so that a crusader from Kazakhstan who is interested (or obssessed) with establishing cultural learnings of America for make benefit glorious nation which is "Number 1 ... exporter of potassium ... " so that he can make love explosion on Pamela Anderson's stomach.</span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Make love explosion on her tummy ... if that sounds capricious and arbitrarily unappealing, maybe America should consider the alternative:</span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Making love explosion in "the hull" of the USS Carmen Electra.</span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Oh, look, Mommy! Pres. SportsFan was at the ballgame tonight ... and he was sittin' courtside w/ Mrs. Pres. SportsFan, the sister of the guy who'll lead his Oregon State Beavers b/ballers into a new frontier in '11/'12.</span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">And, that "frontier" is this: The opportunity to be as much of a non-factor in The New Pac-12 North as the Beavers were in the Pac-10 Regular.</span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Oughta be fun ... </span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">'Cuz that's what war n' sports oughta be -- a consolidation of "funner" and "funnest" -- especially now, 3 days after Call of Duty: Modern Warfare has hit the streets ... and 2 days after the USS Paterno was torpedoed by the USS Sandusky. </span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">So, some of us proud Americans will honour the memory of a man that was maybe less than we'd hoped for (Carl Vinson) and call the big boat named in his honour "the USS Karl Vincent" ... the name of a non-existent man who we hoped Carl Vinson could become.</span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Still, there'll be those days when I'll let down my guard and allow the following to unfold (in red, white & blue):</span></span></em></strong></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span></span><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ff0000;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">"Y'wanna know the only way this football game/hockey game/chess match/soccer tilt could be any better? If they were playing it on the deck of the <u>USS Carl Vinson</u> ... and we were watching it at Buffalo Wild Wings."</span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><span style="color:#3333ff;"><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">only way this BLT and icy mug of root beer would taste better would be if I was enjoying it on the deck of the USS Carl Vinson ... "</span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></em></strong></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#3333ff;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">"This board meeting sucks. Instead of using the conference room, can we schedule the next meeting for the deck of the <u>USS Carl Vinson</u>?"</span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">"Remember three weeks ago when everybody with a rifle and/or a shotgun in/near Zanesville, Ohio was allowed to take target practice on the 46-50 exotic animals which had escaped from that redneck's compound? Wouldn't it have been more cool if we'd sent in the <u>USS Carl Vinson</u> to rescue those 18 Bengal tigers before the <u>USS Carl Vinson</u> evaporated Zanesville, Ohio from the planet?"</span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span></span><span style="color:#ffffff;"><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">"The Twin Towers would be standing tall and filled with activity today if only the <u>USS Carl Vinson</u> had been parked in New York Harbor to assist Lady Liberty in warding off Atta and evil-doers ..." </span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></em></strong></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color:#3333ff;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">"The sexual intercourse which we just shared was plenty righteous and gratifying, but wouldn't it have been more-patriotic if, just once, you'd let me bang you on the deck of the <u>USS Carl Vinson</u>?"</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"> </span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><span style="color:#ffcc33;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;color:#FFCC00;"><b><i></i></b></span></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></span></em></strong></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"></span><strong><em><span style="font-family:Verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">God bless you, Karl Vincent.</span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:Verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Whoever the fuck you are (because of the freedom which was wrought in oceans near and far by Aircraft Carrier X, I'm allowed to say "fuck" in a weblog).</span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:Verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="font-family:Verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Before I make love explosion on the stars n' stripes ...</span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /></span><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></span></em></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-size:15.6px;"><em><span style="font-family:Verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">= = = = = = = = </span></span></em></span></div></span><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></em></strong><br /><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></em></strong></div></div>Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-41192047293413244492011-10-20T13:55:00.019-11:002012-01-14T08:55:38.831-11:00Zanesville Tiger MassacreSometimes, we Americans overlook how our beloved U-S-A! U-S-A! assumes the lead in world affairs by demonstrating peace through strength via peacemaking missions in countries ending in "-stan" (i.e. Goodneighborstan, Dearfriendistan, Hiyabuddystan), yet it can't always get its own house in order.<div><br /></div><div>So, while U-S-A! U-S-A! tucks in the Sunnis and the Shiites and the Sikhs at night (bedtime story re: American imperialism optional), there's approximately 46-51 carcasses of slain animals which are goin' sleepytime forever and ever tonight.</div><div><br /></div><div>That's the fallout from the ZANESVILLE TIGER MASSACRE in Ohio which'll be forgotten 15 minutes from now.</div><div><br /></div><div>Among the dead: 18 Bengal tigers, arguably God's most-beautiful creature (if ya believe in God, which, after what happened in Zanesville, makes it mighty damn difficult to do ...).</div><div><br /></div><div>By this time next week, this story'll be deader than those murdered tigers -- 'cuz here in our U-S-A! U-S-A!, we save our headlines for more-headline-grabbing tigers.</div><div><br /></div><div>For instance, down near the Gulf coast, the headline which echoes throughout the Auburn plains is:</div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">TIGERS NOT LIKELY TO DEFEND NAT'L CHAMPIONSHIP</span></b></div><div><br /></div><div>Closer to the Bayou, headlines about LSU blare proudly:</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><b>TIGERS EYEING NAT'L CHAMPIONSHIP</b></span></div><div><br /></div><div>And, this weekend, when LSU and Auburn meet, it'll be double-the-imaginary-headline fun:</div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">TIGERS vs. TIGERS WITH NAT'L CHAMPIONSHIP IMPLICATIONS!!!</span></b></div><div><br /></div><div>Let's not forget how concerned everybody is on the Clemson campus when they pick up the school paper:</div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">TIGERS 7-0 AND EYEING BCS BERTH!</span></b></div><div><br /></div><div>Near the heart of America, the folks who refer to their campus as "Mizzou" are buzzing:</div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">TIGERS EYEING BIG XII TITLE, POSSIBLE BCS BERTH</span></b></div><div><br /></div><div>'Round the Great Lakes, the MLB team in the Motor City will crack open the Detroit Free Press to the tune of:</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><b>TIGERS UNABLE TO TAME TEXAS</b></span></div><div><br /></div><div>When we consider Maximus Decimus Meridius glorious career inside the Colosseum, we remember the headlines in the local paper:</div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">TIGRIS, TIGERS FAVORED AGAINST MAXIMUS</span></b></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-size:15.6px;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">And, what about March Madness?</span></span></div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">PRINCETON TIGERS: NO NCAA TITLE THIS YEAR</span></b></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-size:15.6px;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">At least there's hope for South Williamsport in late-August:</span></span></div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">KELLOGG'S, TONY THE TIGER, LLWS AGREE TO TERMS</span></b></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-size:15.6px;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">On the PGA Tour, when the whispers turn to headlines re: Eldrick, it'll be:</span></span></div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">TIGER EYEING A MAJOR COMEBACK IN 2012</span></b></div><div><br /></div><div>Great headlines -- but, it doesn't answer the question: <i>"What do tigers dream of / When they take a little tiger snooze? / Do they dream of mauling zebras / Or Hale Berry in her Catwoman suit?"</i> </div><div><br /></div><div>Apparently, some people believe that a tiger would just as readily maul Hale Berry in her Catwoman suit as it would a zebra -- which is probably what led to the paranoia which allowed those big cats (along with other big cats, some bears, wolves, others ... ) to be slaughtered.</div><div><br /></div><div><i>"If you don't cut down a tiger or a cheetah or a coyote with an Uzi, that tiger or cheetah or coyote will eat you, your family, everybody you love and the Constitution of the United States of America ... "</i></div><div><br /></div><div>They say that our Kenyamerican President once killed a tiger with a spear when he was a little boy with a white mom in Kenya.</div><div><br /></div><div>Myth? Doesn't seem like it (especially when you consider his form when he tosses out one of those ceremonial first pitches at a ballgame) ... </div><div><br /></div><div>Yet, the loss of those tigers is very disheartening. F<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">ew of us alive understand how the state of Ohio could turn a blind eye to this unspeakable act of bengalcide, coupled with the fact that the local NFL team with the tiger stripes on the players' helmets refuses to acknowledge the tiger slaughter with any type of tribute/observance before this Sunday's game.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-size:15.6px;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Seems as though the Cinshitnati Bengals have a bye -- which is a typical NFL shortcoming, of course.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">How convenient.</span></div><div>For humans.</div><div>Not so much for those magnificent creatures which were slain.</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Now, U-S-A! U-S-A! looks for leadership from its Honey Tiger (LSU safety Tyrann Mathieu) and all we're gettin' is a headline which describes a recent setback:</span></div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">TIGER SLAPPED ON WRIST FROM GETTIN' HISSELF ALL DOPESICK AFTER TOO MUCH TIME AWAY FROM HIS CANNABINOID BLUNT</span></b></div><div><br /></div><div><i>"Oh, what a crazy fuck, look! Ewww, it's eating larvae, that's disgusting ..." ^^^ "Get away from me, says the snake, get away from me! Honey badger don't care. Honey badger smacks the shit out of it ..."</i></div><div><br /></div><div><i></i>The Pakeeze and the Afghaneeze are sleepin' all snuggly in their star-spangled blankets, but the Ohio Dept. of Fish & Game has gotta go out to that shithole ranch and scoop up those dead animals.</div><div><br /></div><div>Let's say we do the math and totally crunch the numbers, the equation looks something like this: If it's true that there are approx. 1,500 tigers remaining on This Wonderful Planet of Wonderfulness, then 17 dead tigers equals 1.2 percent (.012) of the planet's tiger population, right?</div><div><br /></div><div>Now, if we were allowed to play God for a day and balance out the universe, we could (or somebody could) gun down 1.2 percent of the 300 million inhabitants of U-S-A! U-S-A!</div><div><br /></div><div>(Well, have ya multiplied .012 time 300,000,000 yet? ^^^ That's 3.6 million people ... )</div><div><br /></div><div>When 32 people were slain at Virginia Tech back in '07, we were required to spend the next three weeks examining ourselves.</div><div><br /></div><div>We had moments of silence, special ribbons and VT logos for our sports teams.</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Because human life is precious ... </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">And, because animals are fun to shoot ...</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Remember when Rick Reilly went on that sports-helping-humanity crusade a few years ago w/ that "Nothing But Nets" campaign which was designed to provide nets to prevent mosquitos-carrying-malaria from biting (and killing) African children?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">It seems noble on its face -- until those kids grow up and then butcher an elephant for the ivory-rich tusks.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">What we needed, Rick, was nets to trap those tigers and capture 'em w/o killin' 'em ... so that trained personnel could rehab those special creatures.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">What a fucking disgrace one month to the day that the U.S. Postal Service issued the special stamp designed to increase awareness of the tiger.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Lamentably, the "war at home" will rage on.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">And, the tigers -- the real tigers, not the sports mascots -- will lose ... </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Which is bad news for those of us who love tigers.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">And hate the Ohio Dept. of Fish & Game ...</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"># # # # # # # # # #</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-size:15.6px;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-size:15.6px;"><br /></span></div>Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-74304906351952077772011-09-11T20:12:00.011-11:002012-02-05T17:31:31.483-11:00STEELER Season #40: Cataclysm At Canteloupe Crotch<span style="font-family:arial;">... but, at least, matters got outta hand early, so it was okay to wander away from the contest and hop in the car to take a drive, turning on the radio along the way just in time to hear Christian Adolph Jurgensen and Robert Lee Huff -- born 42 days apart in 1934 -- providing some powerful commentary from the broadcast booth which they share with Larry Michael.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">True ... Larry Michael is the radio play-by-play voice of the Redskins ... and Chris Jurgensen actually goes by "Sonny" and Bob Huff is better known as "Sam" -- and, sure, they were great players 78 or 83 yrs. ago (whichever it was), but neither of 'em has any bidniss bein' in the broadcast booth.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">America realizes that.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">It's not because they were born in 1934.</span><div><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">It's because they fucking suck.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">With that in mind, 9/11 seems like the perfect day to pink-slip each of 'em and to earmark the salaries they don't deserve for the next disaster which befalls these United States.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Simple as that: I have once again waved my magic wand and raised $2.7 mil for U.S. Disaster Relief.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Just like my recent proposal in which I informally outlined a program wherein each of the 30 MLB teams dump its bench coach and then re-route that $15-18 mil to tornado-ravaged Missouri or Alabama (and, after that, we'll chop Selig's $14 mil/yr. in half and "presto!" ... we've just raised a total of $25 mil w/o lifting a finger).</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Damn right, I'm damn proud of me -- raisin' $27.2 mil for disaster relief ... </span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Now, even though bad broadcasting is more of a petty crime than an outright disaster, some Terrible Towelistas might argue that the performance by the defending AFC Champion Steelers in their season opener at Canteloupe Crotch was a bonafide catastrophe/cataclysm in its own right, but, let's not be so hasty.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">(*Editor's Note: "Canteloupe Crotch" is the affectionate nickname for the stadium of Baltimore's Cartoon Football Birds, whereupon the statue of Johnny Unitas has a bulge in his pants the size of a canteloupe ^^^^ "Google it!" and don't be afraid to either squeal like a 12-year-old girl or shake yer head while muttering, "That's fucking pathetic.")</span></em></strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Yeah, okay ... so it's a major problem to commit 7 turnovers (also known as "giveaways") against an opponent/rival which many people have probably already penciled in as the AFC representative to line up against Green Bay or New Orleans in SB46.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">On the other hand, it's important to reference the scripture which reads: <em><span style="color:#3333ff;"><strong>"The Ravens' Super Bowl is the Pittsburgh game; the Steelers' Super Bowl is the actual Super Bowl."</strong></span></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">That concept was never more apparent than eight mos. ago when everybody from Linthicum to Timonium was convinced that THERE WAS NO WAY! that the Purple Pigeons were gonna blow that 21-7 halftime lead in Heinz -- and, yes, the Linthicumese and the Timoniumians were just itichin' to talk trash for days on end ... until Antonio Brown cradled that 3rd-and-19 / 58-yards-to-the-Baltimore-4 reception against the side of his helmet to set up the game-winner before Ziggy Hood and Lawrence Timmons rattled Flacco's ribcage w/ that awesome sack moments before Houshmanzilli dropped the fourth-down pass at the first-down marker.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The Ravens can have what transpired today at Canteloupe Crotch -- it'll never diminish last Jan.'s outcome ... never negate the thrill for the Blk-N-Ylw or lessen the anguish for the Purple Pigeons.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">Now, nobody's sayin' that the Ravens completely shot their wad with today's effort in THEIR Super Bowl (which was a wider margin than those two routs in '06 which we refuse to talk about) -- i</span><span style="font-family:arial;">t's just that since they don't play these games "on paper" (except in the NFL Dungeons & Dragons realm known as "fantasy leagues"), the Ravens are likely to fuck it up somehow some way.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">However, the one looming bad omen in a Steelers historical Week One perspective is this sad truth: <i>None of the Steelers' eight Super Bowl teams ever lost its season opener.</i></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Dammit!</span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">So, it's with some concern and caution that we weigh the end of the 8-game, season-opener win streak which began w/ the '03 opener ... the 34-15 win over B'More in Heinz to kick off Year 2 of The Great Tommy Maddox Comeback as well as mark the dawn of a hotshot rookie outta USC named Troy Polamalu.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Alas, the Maddoxian, 5-game slide ruined a bright 2-1 start ... which got us all to thinkin' that maybe it would be a good idea to spend a first-round pick in the next Draft on a QB.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Actually, that thought didn't cross my mind ('cuz maybe I believed in Tommy Gun too much ... for too long) until slowly-but-surely it seemed apparent that the </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 15.6px; ">Arena League-slash-XFL-slash-insurance-world refugee might not be a long-term solution (and that rookie QB/5th-round pick on the sideline -- Brian St. Pierre -- probably wasn't the answer, either).</span></div><div><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Our thought process <u>BACK THEN</u> was, <em>"Okay, but which QB should we draft? J.P. Losman who has 'all the tools'? Craig Krenzel who has the national championship? Peyton's little brother? Josh Harris from Bowling Green? Who the hell is Josh Harris? What about Rivers from N.C. State? His mechanics are weird. What the hell is a ... Roth-Rothless-Rothlesswho? He plays for the OTHER Miami? Let's think about Losman again. Didja say that he's a disciple of the Steve Clarkson Academy of Mediocre QBing?"</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Good memories ... although it feels like a million years ago (doesn't it, though?) when these teams squared off in Game 1 of the '98 season opener in B'More ... the first regular-season game at Ravens Stadium (which might've been before the statue of JohnnyU.HasAVolleyballForGenitalia was, ha ha ha, "erected" -- I mean, <strong><em>I was there for that game w/ my free tix for me n' the Mrs.</em></strong> and all I remember was Jimmy Harbaugh bein' really really so-so ... and then Eric Zeier got into the game ... but that was long after Harper LeBel made that horrendous long snap on a punt for a loss of 31 yds. to inside the Raven 5 ... and, of course, we'll never forgive Richard Huntley for breakin' off that long, 40+ jaunt down the sideline before his TD bid was thwarted by Duane Starks tracking him down and then punching the ball loose, la pelota bouncing free and through the end zone for a touchback ... ).</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">For sure, we'll hear plenty in the upcoming days (unless we boycott the Disneyland Sports Channel known as ... wait a sec, did Berman spend the lockout chain-smoking and eating spoonfuls of sawdust? 'cuz his voice sounds raspier and more-gravelly than Nina Blackwood's) about how the Steelers' D is too old, blah blah blah ... the offensive line is a mess, blah blah blah ... </span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">Addressing the first concern, the Curtain probably needs some new, younger blood. The only starters under the age of 30 are Woodley, Timmons and Willie Gay (Hampton 34, Keisel 33, Smith 35, von Oelhoffen 40, Farrior 36, Harrison 32, Taylor 31, Polamalu 30, Clark 32 ... okay, so I snuck Kimo's name in there just for kicks).</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Oh, and it looks like Crezdon Butler didn't pan out at CB, shucks ... </span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">So, as I begin <strong>my 40th season of believing in the Steelers</strong> (the first 25 as the head of Blk-N-Ylw ops for the California Bureau; the past 14 as one of the chief deputies of the Mid-Atlantic Corridor's checkpoints), <em><span style="color:#ffff66;"><b>I BELIEVE THAT THEY'LL BE OKAY</b></span></em> -- someplace in the W-L potential of 9-7 or even 10-6, injuries permitting. </span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">If they eat their Wheaties and suck down some Geritol ... 11-5, here we come.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">The OL will probably be another messy situation, but, it's always that way, isn't it?</span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">Guess they'll figure it out.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">Or not ... </span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">More likely, yes.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">Yet, this is a roster with five future Hall of Famers (Polamalu, Ward, Roethlisberger, Woodley, Pouncey), so, it'll be necessary to tap into some of that "leadership" which people talk so much about.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">That's the way to make sure that an opening-day setback remains marooned in Week 1.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">And, that'll eliminate the need for spending as much as five minutes of a future Sunday hearing a potentially-inebriated Sonny quip, <em>"A first down here would be nice"</em> -- to which a more-than-likely-drunken Sam Huff would add, <em>"Ain't that right."</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">That's awesome broadcasting -- although, if I'd been born n' raised in Squirrel Hill and had spent my childhood and adolescence listening to the amateurish yoinks and rants of Myron Cope, I'd probably, right now, be in my 13th year of rooting for the Carolina Panthers following 16 years of faithfulness to the Browns, interrupted by a 3-yr. stint bein' a Birmingham Stallions diehard.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">It's all about distancing yourself from what you can distance yourself from.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">Y'know ... steering clear of lousy broadcasters.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">And statues with freakishly exaggerated genitalia ... </span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">[ . % % % % % % . ] </span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div>Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-31197063692535182702010-12-06T08:53:00.009-11:002010-12-12T16:51:19.849-11:00Get Warmed Up, #5 Paul Ernster!<div style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-family:verdana;">There's a great many folks out there (well, probably more than 4, but maybe less than 22) who are thankful that they didn't sell their </span><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 0);font-family:verdana;font-size:130%;" >ERNSTER</span><span style="font-family:verdana;"> </span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:verdana;font-size:180%;" ><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">5</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:180%;"> </span>Steelers jerseys</span></span><br /></div><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-family:verdana;"><br /></span></span><img style="cursor: -moz-zoom-in; width: 232px; height: 276px;" alt="http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/07Wl3rg96Fe8i/340x.jpg" src="http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/07Wl3rg96Fe8i/340x.jpg" /><br /></div><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-family:verdana;">on eBay following the SB43 magnificence of two years ago ... especially here in this Ravens Crybaby Corridor wherein the crybaby cries of the crybabies range from <span style="font-style: italic;">"We gave it away!" </span><span>to</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> "We gave you guys the game!"</span><br /><br />What their dismay demonstrates is that 84.3 percent of Ravens fans are pussies (c'mon ... you KNEW that), but it also drowns out the muted sobs of Daniel Sepulveda, who, apparently, tore his ACL during the bloodbath last night and will miss the remainder of the season.<br /><br />Before we reach out to help our fallen punter, we'll need to console Raven crybabies with comforting words such as, <span style="font-style: italic;">"Maybe your all-star linebacker needs some new dance moves"</span> ... or <span style="font-style: italic;">"Maybe your all-star linebacker needs some different sound bytes for America ... new material instead of 'This is game time!' and 'This is big-boy football! blah blah blah ..."</span> -- or maybe the all-star linebacker needs to tell us who stabbed to death them two boys lyin' in the street and bleedin' out outside the Cobalt Lounge ...<br /><br />'Nuff 'bout Ray-Ray ... somebody's gotta phone the man who's a lucky rabbit's foot -- Paul Ernster -- and inquire as to his availability for the new job opening.<br /><br />That is, unless the Steelers brass is eyeing somebody else.<br /><br />After all, The Ern's 3-day trial wasn't anything to brag about (12 punts, a 31.6 avg.) two yrs. ago when the mighty Mitch Berger was dinged up (after Sepulveda went on IR during preseason).<br /><br />Yet, Paul T. Ernster made every person who had the guts to buy an <span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 51);"><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 0);font-size:100%;" >ERNSTER</span> <span style="font-size:180%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">5</span></span></span></span> jersey damn proud when, one week after he failed to extend the Colts' 40-year losing streak in Pittsburgh, by stretching the Chargers' regular-season record to 0-13 in Pittsburgh when he, as the punter-off-the-street, took the snap from the snapper-off-the-street (Jared Retkofsky) and executed a professional placement for Jeff Reed's chippie FG w/ :11 to play, making the Steelers victorious in the first-ever 11-10 game in NFL history.<br /><br />You can't buy memories like that.<br /><br />Now, none of us civilians who don't work in the Steelers' front office knows who'll be brought in to create new memories. But, with the way that Sepulveda keeps gettin' hisself all hurt, maybe the Steelers need to spend the offseason considering the step-two-three-kick stylings of somebody like a Hendrix Blakefield of Western Kentucky or a Kiel Rasp of Washington or maybe even C.J. Feagles of North Carolina.<br /><br />Hendrix Blakefield and Kiel Rasp (whose names might be real or made-up, nobody's sure) are punters who wear #99 and #94, respectively ... and Kiel Rasp is a soph. and Hendrix Blakefield is a frosh., as is C.J. Feagles.<br /><br />We don't know if any of 'em is apt to turn pro after this bowl season ... and, Feagles ranked only 113th in the NCAA in avg./punt ... but, THEN AGAIN, he is the son of the man who played more games than anyone in NFL history, SOHHHHH ...<br /><br />Hendrix Blakefield ...<br />Kiel Rasp ...<br />That's frickin' awesome ...<br /><br /></span></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:180%;">+ + +</span></span></span><br /></div>Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-17817103376387760082010-11-16T23:38:00.005-11:002010-12-12T11:48:50.000-11:00Get Warmed Up, #5 Piotr Czech!<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" >... 'cuz it seems as though the Steelers' brass (wait ... brass? made of steel?) has had enough of the quirky (or bizarre) Jeff Reed.<br /><br />We don't know if Piotr Czech (seen here during that breathtaking 17-0 win</span></span><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><img alt="http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/images/200908/freed_steelers082909_6_330.jpg" src="http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/images/200908/freed_steelers082909_6_330.jpg" /><br /></div><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" >over the Bills during the '09 preseason) will be offered a second chance a Steelers PK job (WHICH WAS STOLEN FROM HIM!) during a PK audition in the next few days ... but it is fun to ponder the possibilities of purchasing an authentic (or replica) <span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 51);">CZECH</span></span> <span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);font-size:180%;" >5</span> Steelers jersey, isn't it?<br /><br />Perhaps Jeff Reed isn't quite as amused, considering he was axed almost 8 full yrs. to the day when he was signed as an in-season replacement for Todd Peterson (ol' semi-unreliable #2).<br /><br />Whether it was a concern for peroxide sales or for the safety of towel dispensers in a Sheetz near you, dumping Jeff Reed has all the earmarks of a panic move.<br /></span></span><div style="text-align: center;"><img style="width: 139px; height: 194px;" alt="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9zBEriiMpgMlO7vIGM0MJ4EpUXOIe0Es676T9KRTHh64VG0gsGYuSxVUZ8TyyphfD7sL8VUZkGhJGpHaPGqDpGluQvGqodNfFHpuJcwjdsjlkox1vSd2l0oBxPpgV0-ptYDPW/s400/Jeff+Reed.jpg" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9zBEriiMpgMlO7vIGM0MJ4EpUXOIe0Es676T9KRTHh64VG0gsGYuSxVUZ8TyyphfD7sL8VUZkGhJGpHaPGqDpGluQvGqodNfFHpuJcwjdsjlkox1vSd2l0oBxPpgV0-ptYDPW/s400/Jeff+Reed.jpg" /> <img style="width: 250px; height: 191px;" alt="http://www.steelers.com/assets/images/imported/PIT/photos/article/2009_Jeff_Reed_KC.jpg" src="http://www.steelers.com/assets/images/imported/PIT/photos/article/2009_Jeff_Reed_KC.jpg" /><br /></div><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" > The simple math was this: 11 of 13 FG on the road, 4 of 9 at home (0-4 in the 40-49 range) ...<br /><br />True ... it might've been a matter of what was inside (or not inside) Jeff Reed's head -- or maybe it's a matter of finally admitting that the field surface and the crazy crosswinds make Heinz a PK graveyard.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:times new roman;" >Uh, oh ... word on the street is that something named Shaun Suisham -- not Piotr Czech (or, for that matter, international footballer, Petr Cech) -- will be the new PK on the hot seat.</span><br /></span><br />"Who do you think you are, Shaun Suisham ... an ultra-modern Booth Lusteg?"<br /><br />This latest development reminds ya a little of what happened to Kris Brown ... the previous #3 PK in black n' gold.<br /><br />Remember how he led the NFL w/ 44 FGA in '01, but was only 6-15 from 40-49 yds. the first season of Heinz Field?<br /><br />After he was 86'ed, he was 11-14 from 40-49 yds. for the Texans in '02 ... the first yr. of Reliant Stadium and its kicker-friendly surface.<br /><br />Analytics such as that probably weren't going to save a guy who gained immense street cred when he destroyed that Sheetz towel dispenser shortly after SB43.<br /><br />But, now it's "adios" to the man who kicked the FG two seasons ago which provided the winning margin in the only 11-10 game in NFL history.<br /><br />And it was Jeff Reed's professional PAT as the clock read "0:00" which provided the winning margin last season in the only 37-36 game in NFL history.<br /><br />We'll never forget his winning FG w/ :17 to play which provided the only points during the lowest-scoring game in the history of Monday Night Football (that classic, 3-0 win over Miami in the Heinz Field slop in '07).<br /><br />And, most recently, it was Reed's FG in the final seconds three weeks (on the road!) which provided the winning margin in the only 23-22 game in Steelers history (maybe in NFL history, I dunno).<br /><br />Maybe there were transgressions which we'll never know about -- but, all I know is that Jeff Reed represents the Sheetz Towel Dispenser Destroyer in all of us.<br /><br />That should count for something, shouldn't it?<br /><br /></span></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" ><span style=";font-family:verdana;font-size:180%;" >+ + + </span></span></span><br /></div>Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-66923207222304931722010-11-11T19:48:00.003-11:002010-11-24T22:49:58.920-11:00Who The Hell Is Rachel Coating?<span style="FONT-STYLE: italic;font-size:85%;" ><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold;font-family:arial;" >Finestine stumbled into our lives today by working his way onto the local radio, blah blah blah blah ... the rumor that a nearby team (the D.C. Deadskins) "cut their playbook in half" to suit the QB (McNabb) is proof that the message sent by the head coach (Shanahan) is laden with Rachel Coating.<br /><br />Finestine, the guy who writes the last-page column which you never read in the magazine (the Sporting News) which you don't subscribe to, might've actually used the R-word (a "race cyst") to describe Shanahan (none of us can remember, but the implication was so overt, it was ridiculous) as a summation for the aftermath/fallout of the McNabb-for-Sexy-Rexy benching last Sunday -- and it seems mighty obvious that Finestine if hell-bent on furthering some sort of an agenda.<br /><br />When Finestine got into a crossfire thing with The Sports Fix's Kevin Sheehan and Thom Lovero -- and then later w/ Steve Czaban -- he fired blanks in all directions in a blind, race-baiting line-of-reasoning which makes Mel Gibson's train of thought seem "reasonable and grounded."<br /><br />And, that's really sad for the newborn baby of a 54-year-old.<br />What ... that she's the daughter of a Jew?<br />No ... that she is the spawn of a loudmouthed slob who has linked Mike Shanahan to Rachel Coating.<br /><br />Aside from the fact that Finestine would prefer a coach named Rosenberg or Rosenstein (or Goldberg or Goldstein), maybe it all boils down to the fact that he's reading too much into an unconfirmed rumor (sometimes called "a leak").<br /><br />It's a shame (or a pity ... not sure which) that it had to come to this. After all, if we used Finestine's own flimsy line of reasoning against him, we'd have to revoke his right to be the "color commentator" (term used loosely) on Navy football broadcasts (read: another vehicle for John to blah blah blah blah into a live microphone).</span></span><br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic;font-size:85%;" ><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold;font-family:arial;" ></span></span><br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic;font-size:85%;" ><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold;font-family:arial;" >For us American citizens who aren't into the whole synagogue thing, we can't help by wonder if the next time we bump into Finey, we might not say: "Hey-ya, buddy ... what does a doughy, talks-too-much Jewboy like you know about football? I mean, REALLY know about the game. Didja play the sport? Or didja get the crap kicked outta ya by football players before they stole your dreidel and played Frisbee with your yarmulke?"</span></span><br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic;font-size:85%;" ><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold;font-family:arial;" ></span></span><br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic;font-size:85%;" ><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold;font-family:arial;" >A long time ago, a lot of realized that fatsos who never played the game shouldn't talk about the game as though they did.</span></span><br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic;font-size:85%;" ><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold;font-family:arial;" >Until we get some laws in this country to restrict dumbshits from doin' dumbshit things, Finestine will be allowed the freedom to do more than gather quotes and regurgitate those quotes.</span></span><br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic;font-size:85%;" ><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold;font-family:arial;" ></span></span><br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic;font-size:85%;" ><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold;font-family:arial;" >Oh ... and linger too long near the shower area ... </span></span><br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic;font-size:85%;" ><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold;font-family:arial;" ></span></span><br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic;font-size:85%;" ><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold;font-family:arial;" >Johnny needs to stick to the sports he sucks at (tennis, golf, swimming laps at the Y) and allow us to get on with our lives w/o polluting our brains with assertions that Rodge The Commish should be investigating and resolving with a forearm shiver to Johnny's checkbook.<br /><br />Finey was one step from asserting that Shanahan thinks McNabb is a stupid, lazy N-word -- a fine-able offense, to be sure.</span></span><br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic;font-size:85%;" ><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold;font-family:arial;" >(Yeah, that's what he implied, Rodge ... )<br /><br />On the lighter side of matter, we COULD employ an open-minded viewpoint wherein we weigh the possibility that Coach Shanny and QB Donny had a wager that an actual Deadskins playbook could not be cut in in half by using a ban saw or a mitre saw.<br /><br />When the experiment was complete ... "yes! we cut the playbook in half for Donovan TO DEMONSTRATE THAT A MITRE SAW CAN ACTUALLY CUT A 3-RING BINDER AND ITS CONTENTS IN HALF."<br /><br />Case closed, Feinberg.<br /><br />So, tell Rachel Coating and her racial coding to sit the hell down and shut the F up.<br /><br />And, if ya wanna accuse Shanahan of something, put nepotism at the top of the list.<br /><br />"Son of Shan" (o-coordinator Kyle Shanahan) is barely qualified to sweep the hallways at FedEx Field ...<br /><br /><span style="font-size:180%;">+ + + </span><br /><br /><br /></span></span><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic;font-size:85%;" ><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold;font-family:arial;" ></span></span>Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-8121190720090290932010-11-07T21:48:00.007-11:002010-11-21T21:38:45.971-11:00Crucial Fantasy League Update<span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:lucida grande;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-family:verdana;">Since Goodell's NFL is makin' me wait 'til tomorrow night to get together with all my rowdy bobbleheads (when The Steel Curtain crashes down on Carson Palmer and all his Cinshitnati friends), this is the perfect opportunity to check up on my Fantasy League team.<br /><br />And, what a day it was ... right from the get-go, no less.<br /><br />On the second play of the game, Joe Greene and Bob Lilly sandwiched Jim Kelly (and basically destroyed him) ... and when the ball squirted loose, Willie Lanier scooped it up and, after straight-arming a feeble tackle attempt by Larry Csonka, he lateraled to Tommy Nobis, who advanced the ball 12 yds. before he lateraled to Spider Lockhart, who carried it the final 33 yds. for the TD.<br /><br />Just for "kicks," I allowed 2013 HOF inductee Dermontti Dawson to kick the extra point.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">IT'S CALLED FANTASY FOOTBALL, PEOPLE! -- not "Is Visanthe Shiancoe Available This Week?"<br /><br /></span>And, oh, doctor ... the highlight of the second quarter was when Tshmanga Biakabutuka threw that 41-yard halfback option pass to Ifeanyi Uwaezuoke ... a tremdendous play on the pitch and the catch ... but, alas ... each player was waived at halftime.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">It's called FANTASY FOOTBALL, people! -- not "Status: Doubtful, Questionable, Probable."<br /><br /></span>So, in the third quarter, I opted for the Polish QB rotation of Majkowski and Tomczak -- and each responded with perfect-spiral, 75-yard TD passes to Louis Lipps Sinks Ships.<br /><br />R.W. McQuarters was beaten badly on each TD pass -- which wasn't entirely his fault, considering that he didn't have the safety help he might've hoped for after Jack Tatum was carted off the field in the first quarter after he was run over by John Henry Johnson during a 22-yard TD run.<br /><br />That cart-off occurred three plays before George Atkinson was carted off the field after he was run over by Marion Motley on a 57-yard TD run.<br /><br />Today's opponent is somewhat shorthanded at safety because Charlie Waters is blaming Cliff Harris ... Cliff Harris is pointing the finger at Charlie Waters ... and they both got flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct for blaming the Steelers for keeping them out of the Hall of Fame.<br /><br />While they're on the bench, Spencer Pratt and The Situation are the free safety and strong safety ... and they look mighty confused (D-coordinator Cher just slammed her headset to the ground and head coach Tommy Lasorda just burned another timeout .<br /><br />[God, this is a great game, here at FantasyLand Stadium ... hard to believe it's only 84-0 ... 'cuz it could've been a lot worse, as play-by-play man, Stan Barron, and color analyst, Jackie Moynahan, have indicated ... ]<br /><br />"Oh, shit!" Lasorda exclaimed ... linebackers Jack Lambert and Karl Kahl (#53 for West Division High) just aggresively shoved backup QB Herb Kirkstreit out of bounds, Herbie violently collided with the table holding the Gatorade jugs and the end result of such a chain reaction was that the plastic barrels knocked over Georgia Frontiere, who fell backwards into Jerry Jones, who broke his hip and shattered his plastic face ...<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"It's called Fantasy Football, people!" -- not The Ticker On The Bottom of My TV Screen Indicates That Jericho Cotchery Has One Reception For 8 Yards.</span><br /><br />That was almost amusing as the tackle-eligible play we ran when Gene Hickerson took the handoff from Walter Payton, stiff-armed Hollywood Henderson and then flipped a tackle-eligible/tackle-option TD pass to Fuzzy Thurston, who had reported as an eligible receiver.<br /><br />Wow! L.C. Greenwood just blitzed, tossed Robert Gallery out of the way and body-slammed the bejabbers outta Kyle Boller<br /><br />That's the eighth QB we've de-commisioned today.<br />And, look who's warming up on the visitor's sideline!<br />It's Ryan Leaf AND Elvis Grbac!<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);">I wish this Fantasy League Sunday never had to end ...</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);"> </span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:180%;">+ + + </span> </span></span><br /></span>Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-59349104797700547352010-10-04T23:22:00.021-11:002010-11-17T19:48:24.446-11:00Ex-Big Red Machine vs. NEW RED MACHINE<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:verdana;" >Time to grab our hymn books and to re-visit the Ghosts of Cinshitnati Past >> i.e., the examination of the following talking points:<br />-- the last time that the Phils n' Reds squared off in the playoffs ...<br />-- the last time that the Reds made the playoffs ...<br />-- the last time that the Reds visited Philly ...<br /><br />It's a lot of ground to cover, but, beginning with Oct. '76, "ah, yes" ... America The Beautiful was awash in Bicentennial majesty and some of us were meek-and-paranoid high school freshmen uncertain about the inner-workings of chicks and unsure if a new relationship forged between a SoCal lone wolf and the up-n'-comers from Philly would develop into something as steel-clad as as the, at that time, 5-year association which had been achieved w/ the Steel Curtain.<br /><br />Alas, there would be no championship rings in the immediate future for the Kalifornia Kid -- although there was that time in P.E. class when somebody asked Albert Anderson what time his dad's team was playin' Game 1.<br /><br />Albert was Sparky's son (what you need to do, America, is imagine Sparky's face and long, black hair on a 14-year-old body >> NOT a pretty picture, to be sure) ...<br /><br /></span></span><div style="text-align: center;"><img style="width: 168px; height: 235px;" alt="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiiVc-b_NLAJxgjBVEk4Hro-_8DJ7ZWey2GGBGqR_uOSvMLXuSs1RK0Vgq6wHB81r3qIj72qOX0cy2ZcGuPD0RT6PJSL5_CqDmMyQNE3LYJO0F_smEKEaTjPYdwG_UWfZ-3v3Z/s320/VF+2009+09+27+Sparky+Anderson.jpg" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiiVc-b_NLAJxgjBVEk4Hro-_8DJ7ZWey2GGBGqR_uOSvMLXuSs1RK0Vgq6wHB81r3qIj72qOX0cy2ZcGuPD0RT6PJSL5_CqDmMyQNE3LYJO0F_smEKEaTjPYdwG_UWfZ-3v3Z/s320/VF+2009+09+27+Sparky+Anderson.jpg" /><br /></div><table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tbody><tr></tr><tr><td valign="top"><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:verdana;" >(<span style="font-style: italic;">"hey, that dude's wearing a Phillies' cap"</span> >> of course he is, Heather ... of course he is ... )<br /><br />Anyway, none of us remembers seeing Albert in or around the hallway lockers or in the cafeteria or in Social Studies following that freshman year in LancerLand.<br />If memory serves, Albert might've had a few problems, despite the success of Dad, who, allegedly made his off-season home in T.O. (and maybe he still does, I dunno).<br /><br />For Philly locals, mid-'70s, they jammed into their semi-new, multi-purpose stadium for the organization's first postseason berth in 26 years ... wayyyy back during an era when MLB and NFL teams shared the big fish bowls >> The Vet, Riverfront, Three Rivers ...<br /><br />Phillies/Eagles ... Reds/Bengals ... Steelers/Pirates ... big ballparks, loud crowds, the '70s were good to those cities ...<br /><br />Such was NOT the case in America's Heartland back then ... say, in St. Louis, where the baseball Cards/football Cards were playin' a lot of .500 ball while sharing the bowl furnished by Anheuser Busch.<br /><br />There can be no mistake: That '76 series sucked ... and it was a devastating blow to hustle home from school, click on the TV to NBC and see Ron Reed servin' up back-to-back HRs to Foster and Bench to begin the 9th >> <i style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">and, then, abruptly, it was all over, oh shit!</i> as Griffey hit that little tapper, first baseman Bobby Tolan charged in, but, there was no play at the plate, Concepcion completed the slide, pop-up style and then jumped into the arms of his teammates.<br /><br />That was the first time that some of us actually watched such events and could actually process the process known as "anguish."<br />It was hard to forget the stunned expression on the face of Downtown Ollie Brown as he sat motionless on the bench with a bat resting between his legs.<br />101 wins down the drain >> and 6 mos. of bird-doggin' Lisa was probably also down the drain.<br /><br />Lisa LostCause was part of the "despair" paradigm.<br />Not anguish.<br />Two mutually-exclusive, non-conflicting paradigms, people ...<br /><br />Talking Point #2: We all remember the last time that Cinshitnati reached the postseason >> 1995 ... a simpler time in America's post-MLB Strike of '94 ... as the Phils' front office (for whatever reason) had summarily and diligently deconstructed and dismantled the '93 National League champions ("to what end?" we wondered) by executing a myriad of questionable personnel moves (far too many to list here).<br /><br />All this whilst the Redlegs of That Era were wearin' those lame white caps w/ red brims (during the '90s/Y2K experiment of 30 or 40 uniform combinations) ... Barry Larkin was the NL MVP and <span style="font-style: italic;">"jeepers, that Pete Schourek had a heckuva year, didn't he?"</span> >> and who can forget Jeff Brantley's 28 saves (44 the next year before gettin' hisself all injured in '97 >> which worked out beautifully when he brought that balsa-wood arm to Team Francona ... <span style="color: rgb(0, 102, 0);"><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">WARNING LABEL:</span></span></span> <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">The 2000 Phillies</span> = Francona (65-97), Omar Daal (2-9, 4-19 overall), Paul Byrd (2-9, 6.51), Brantley (2-7, 5.86, 23 saves), Jason Boyd and his 6.55 ERA pitched in 30 gms. (swear to god, I've never even heard of that guy ... 30 games?) ... <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">2001 Phillies</span> = Bowa (86-76), Omar Daal (8-1 start, 13-7 / 4.46), Joe Table (2.34, 42 saves) and Eddie Oropesa and his 30 gms. were a welcome relief over Jason Boyd, whom I never even heard of ...<br /><br />Back to the Reds of '95 >> like the song asks, <span style="font-style: italic;">"Where have you gone, Eddie Taubensee?"</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">[[[ Better question:</span> Why did the MLB Network's Barry Larkin -- previously mentioned -- fail to receive HOF enshrinement in his first year of eligibility last Jan.? Compared to ex-Red Joe Morgan, Barry Larkin was a better player (in terms of consistency for a greater period of time) ... in fact, aside from Joe Morgan's 6-year "superstar window" ('72 thru '77), he piled up a lot of Marlon Anderson-type years. And, he was a sub.-200 hitter in all of those postseason games (with Rose hitting ahead of him and Bench, Perez and Foster behind him? c'mon ... ) >> nobody's sayin' that Little Joe SHOULDN'T be in the HOF, but, since he made it on the first ballot, Barry Larkin HAS to go in on the first ballot (it figures: the mustard-stained shirts who vote, didn't put 2B Sandberg in 'til his THIRD year of eligibility -- and it'll be interesting to see how they screw with Jeff Kent ... ]]]<br /><br />Y'see, it's SHIT such as that which makes The MLB unwatchable and unfollowable -- unpunished criminal action, i.e. Lasorda going into Cooperstown approx. 15 mins. (actually, it was 6 mos., but who's counting?) upon announcing his retirement (read: "MOB ties" ... seriously, how else do ya explain it?).<br /><br /></span></span><div style="text-align: center;"><img style="width: 317px; height: 178px;" alt="http://www.dvdtalk.com/reviews/images/reviews/153/1218681706_3.jpg" src="http://www.dvdtalk.com/reviews/images/reviews/153/1218681706_3.jpg" /><br /></div><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:verdana;" >If only HOF voters had dialed it back to the previous decade when Irwin Fletcher punched the framed photo hanging in Chief Karlin's office >> <span style="font-style: italic;">[SMASH!] "I hate Tommy Lasorda!"</span> >> then maybe BleedsDodgerBlue coulda waited his turn -- as Sparky did when he waited until his FULL five yrs. were up before the Veterans Committee selected "Captain Hook" back in 2000.<br /></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:verdana;" ><br />The Great Lasorda Panic of '96 was a farce, wasn't it? The MLB thought that Lasorda was gonna die, so a HOF enshrinement (which was so very borderline to begin with) was hustled into effect.<br />Do the math: Sparky retired the season before Lasorda, but WAS FORCED TO WAIT for induction 'til 3 yrs. after Lasorda.<br /><br />Typical bullshit from the Clinton Administration ...<br /><br />Talking Point #3: The modern era >> Dusty's squad w/ the young-stallion pitchers w/ goofy haircuts (Volquez, Cueto & Arroyo), the Cuban P defector who clocks 100 MPH consistently (Chapman), the cleancut sluggers ("Votto-matic!", Bruce and Stubbs) and The Ex-Phillie Which Philly Loves To Hate (Rolen).<br /><br /></span></span><img style="width: 194px; height: 199px;" alt="http://polishsportshof.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/kluarms.jpg" src="http://polishsportshof.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/kluarms.jpg" /> <img style="width: 182px; height: 193px;" alt="http://www.whenitwasagame.net/photos_bat_stories/klusewski_mile.jpg" src="http://www.whenitwasagame.net/photos_bat_stories/klusewski_mile.jpg" /><br /><div><div><div><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:verdana;" > Wait a sec ... are we 'sposed to believe that Mighty "Klu" would fit right in with the stars we've just mentioned?<br /><br />Maybe ... but the thing that makes Cincy from being a truly likeable ballclub is Dusty's triple-wide wristies, the 'pick, the lizard tongue and all the damage he did to the Phils while wearing Dodger Blue in '77/'78 (it's still difficult to totally embrace Davey Lopes >> sorry, pal ... ).<br /><br />Y'wanna know who didn't need triple-wide wristbands?<br /></span></span><div style="text-align: center;"><img style="width: 164px; height: 207px;" alt="http://www.aaretrochiefs.com/13e145c0.jpg" src="http://www.aaretrochiefs.com/13e145c0.jpg" /><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /></div><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:verdana;" > "Klu" ...<br /><br />Of course, this is Cincy's first visit to Philly since that 4-game funfest just before The Break -- and the Reds just might be out for blood, considering how that July get-together turned out:<br /><br />1) Schneider's walk-off HR in the btm of the 12th ...<br />2) Howard's 2-run walk-off HR in the btm of the 10th after Dobbsie's 3-run jack and Cody Ransom's 2-run poke (<span style="font-style: italic;">"yeah, I said 'Cody Ransom,' goddammit!"</span>) helped the Phils come back from 7-1 down against rookie Mike Leake entering the 9th ...<br />3) J-Role's walk-off single down the RF line in the btm of the 11th after Chooch led off the inning with a double >> and after Ruiz doubled to the very same LCF gap leading off the 9th after rookie Travis Wood (in his third MLB game) retired the first 24 Phillies ...<br />4) Cole Hamels' masterpiece on the Sunday goin' into the break ...<br /><br />The sum of that series, it seems, is that the Phils (The New Red Machine) are snuffing out any memories of the Ol' Big Red Machine.<br /><br />And, with the mighty 6-pack from the heart of the lineup for postseasons '07, '08, '09, maybe they can become the first team since Debs Garms' St. Louis Cards of '42, '43, '44 to win 3 consecutive N.L. pennants (even though Debs Garms didn't play in '42 ... 'cuz he was fightin' the Nazis in something called Double-U Double-U Two).<br /><br />Let's lookit the big board (or the laminated stat card that some of us keep in our wallet):<br /><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 0, 0);font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;" ><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Victorino 32 gm. (.277 > 33x119), 7 2B, 2 3B, 6 HR, 23 rbi<br />Howard . 32 gm. (.271 > 32x118), 9 2B, 1 3B, 7 HR, 27 rbi > 20 BB<br />Werth . . 31 gm. (.261 > 31x119), 8 2B, 2 3B, 7 HR, 17 rbi<br />Rollins . . 31 gm. (.231 > 31x134), 7 2B, 1 3B, 3 HR, 11 rbi<br />Ruiz . . . .32 gm. (.303 > 30 x 99 ), 7 2B, 1 3B, 3 HR, 13 rbi > 19 BB<br />Utley . . . 32 gm. (.252 > 29x115), 4 2B, 0 3B, 9 HR, 19 rbi > 27 BB<br /><br /></span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:verdana;" >That's some robust production, not to mention a handsome balance (was it only 3 yrs. ago when the Fightin's went into the playoffs with a 5-tool CF (Rowand) and a RF platoon of Victorino & Werth one season after trading away the 30/30, 100-rbi, 100-BB, .300, Gold Glove RF Bobby Abreu because he didn't care ... or didn't play as if he cared ... or didn't care if anybody didn't care that he actually did care ...<br /><br />Now, it's up to that sextet to deliver the goods during a postseason run which'll reinforce that MLB-best 97-65 record not to mention obliterating the memory of the Ghost of Debs Garms, The St. Louis Cardinal Nazi Killer.<br /><br />Wow ... Victorino's next postseason hit will give him the team record.<br /><br /></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 0, 0);font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;" ><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Schmidt . 36 gm. (.236 > 33x140), 9 2B, 0 3B, 4 HR, 16 rbi<br />Maddox . 29 gm. (.271 > 29x107), 8 2B, 0 3B, 1 HR, 11 rbi<br /></span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 0, 0);font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;" ><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Bowa . . . 27 gm. (.262 > 27x103), 3 2B, 0 3B, 0 HR, 5 rbi<br />Rose . . . 25 gm. (.327 > 31 x 95 ), 3 2B, 0 3B, 0 HR, 6 rbi<br />Boone . . 24 gm. (.264 > 19 x 72 ), 2 2B, 0 3B, 0 HR, 7 rbi<br />Luzinski . 19 gm. (.269 > 18 x 67 ), 5 2B, 1 3B, 5 HR, 12 rbi<br /><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:verdana;" >Seeing how these numbers don't stack up against the modern-era stars, we don't know if any of our heroes from yesteryear could hang with today's Dandy Dons, etc.<br />Probably ... if we apply rules of baseball relativity ...<br /><br />I mean, in a Tom Emanski-imagined baseball skillz competition, is the Flyin' Hawaiian better than Garry Maddox? Could Victorino have played "back then"? Could Maddox play today?<br /><br />Fightin' Phanatics are gonna find out.<br /><br />Oddly enough, the last time that the Fightin's DID NOT sell out The Cit (before the current streak of 135 sellouts in a row -- or thereabouts) was that 22-1 win over the Reds in July of last season ... a blowout ignited by a 10-run 1st, highlighted by Victorino's 2-run HR, Dobbs' 2-run HR, Hamels' 3-run 2B, Rollins' RBI 2B and a 3-run HR by Utley ... not a great night for Johnny Cueto.<br /><br />Or for infielder Paul Janish, who pitched the 8th and gave up 6 runs, capped by Werth's 3-run HR.<br /><br />Janish pitched one inning of a blowout 2 mos. earlier vs. the Brew Crew and gave up 5 runs in that mop-up session (meaning that his ERA ballooned to only 49.50 from 45.00, which isn't all that bad, all things considered).<br /><br />In the Phillies cosmos, however, that 22-1 rout might've signaled the dawning of Phillie Phanticism gone wild, seeing how that month last year ended with the beating death of that guy, David Sale, inside and outside of McFadden's (during the same game vs. St. Loo when Cards players were bothered by the green light of a laser pointer during that FOX Saturday game).<br /><br />The fans carried the momentum of the beating death carried out by the drunken Fishtown 3 with such nefarious acts as the woman who was charged with soliciting sex for World Series tix, the vomitting guy, toddlers drinkin' beer, the dude who got Tasered, the guy who shoulda been Tasered the very next night for jumping onto the field while wearing capri pants, the guy in the red body suit a few weeks ago during the Atlanta series ...<br /><br />As far as fans which are "most deserving," Phillie fans probably ain't it.<br /><br /></span></span><div style="text-align: center;"><img style="cursor: -moz-zoom-in; width: 216px; height: 290px;" alt="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2291/2131584663_a3d23b3faa.jpg?v=1198460776" src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2291/2131584663_a3d23b3faa.jpg?v=1198460776" /> <img style="width: 130px; height: 179px;" alt="http://cdn3.ioffer.com/img/item/117/668/927/6MsX.jpg" src="http://cdn3.ioffer.com/img/item/117/668/927/6MsX.jpg" /></div><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:verdana;" >I mean, if Phillie Phan ever finds out that Whammy Douglas posed for a Topps card as a Redlegs pitcher while never actually ever pitching in a game for the Redlegs, Phillie Phan is probably gonna blame Scott Rolen and then fill water balloons with urine and throw 'em toward Rolen from The Cit's upper-deck seating.<br /><br />Which is what ya'd expect, isn't it?<br /><br />It's playoff time.<br /><br />Gotta pick up their game ...<br /><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:180%;">+ + +</span><br /></span></span></div></div></div>Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-39543839786059977252010-07-26T19:06:00.008-11:002010-12-19T21:25:42.513-11:00Matt Garza Did What Again?<span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" >They're sayin' that Matt Garza tossed a no-no tonight ... yet, for a lot of us, the only time we wanna hear Matt Garza's name is to complete the following sentence:<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Game 3 was tied, 1-1, in the bottom of the second until Carlos Ruiz untied it with a solo home run off of Matt Garza."<br /><br /></span></span><div style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://blog.pennlive.com/patriotnewssports/2008/10/large_CARLOSRUIZ.jpg" style="display: inline; width: 227px; height: 270px;" original="http://blog.pennlive.com/patriotnewssports/2008/10/large_CARLOSRUIZ.jpg" /><br /></div><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" >The only other time I wanna hear Matt Garza's name is when it's used to begin this sentence:<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Matt Garza's undoing occurred in the bottom of the sixth when he allowed back-to-back homers to Chase Utley and Ryan Howard to give the Phillies a 4-1 lead."</span><br /><br />Or ... Matt Garza's name could be used here, I suppose:<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Matt Garza was let off the hook to receive a 'no decision' when first-base umpire Tom Hallion -- who was desperately and unprofessionally out of position -- ruled Carl Crawford safe at first after Howard smartly barehanded Jamie Moyer's diving shovel-toss BEFORE Crawford touched the base."</span><br /><br />If none of those suit my fancy, I'll have no other choice but to use Matt Garza's name to complete this sentence:<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Matt Garza and the rest of his Tampa Bay teammates dejectedly exited the dugout moments after the Phillies' winning rally was furnished by Eric Bruntlett getting hit in the ass by a pitched ball before he stole second, continued to third on Dioner Navarro's throwing error and eventually scoring the winning run on a walk-off, 47-foot dribbler by Ruiz at 1:47 on probably the greatest Sunday morning in Phillies history ... a Sunday which was capped by Matt Garza (and me ... and the Mrs.) in the ballpark for the Game 4, 10-2 romp which capped the unquestioned greatest Sunday in Phillies history."</span><br /><br />Matt Garza threw a no-hitter tonight?<br />Beee ... efff ... deee ... *<br />(* -- The acronym for Big Fuckin' Deal ... )<br /><br />It matters not what Matt Garza THINKS he achieved tonight.<br />What matters is that Matt Garza was there when we needed him.<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><img style="width: 365px; height: 265px;" alt="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/10/27/article-0-0241F2CD000005DC-882_468x341.jpg" src="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/10/27/article-0-0241F2CD000005DC-882_468x341.jpg" /><br /></div><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" >Just as Edwin Jackson was here (see above) when we needed somebody from the '08 Rays to groove a meaty pitch that Joe Blanton could crank for a laser-beam homer into the LCF seats beyond the flower bed during that unforgettable Game 4.<br /><br />And, since his no-no against his former team one month ago (during this, "The Year of the Pitcher," wink wink, ha ha), Edwin Jackson has logged some quality mound time for the D-Backs:<br /><br />A 1-3 record w/ a 6.85 ERA.<br /><br />Let's all sing it together:<br /><br />YEAR ... !<br />OF ... !<br />THE PITCHER ... !<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">(MY ASS!)</span> ... !<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" ><span style="font-size:180%;">+ + +</span></span><br /></div><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" ><br /><br /></span>Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-23044170967712888002010-05-09T17:54:00.020-11:002010-07-08T13:55:23.720-11:00Dallas Braden Q&A (w/ "update!")Now that the dust has settled and the blood has finally dried, it seems as though the only logical way to handle recent events is to activate either the Q&A or the FAQ format and explore what's on our minds and in our hearts.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-weight: bold;">WHAT THE HELL IS A QUOTE-UNQUOTE "DALLAS BRADEN"?</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">He's the A's pitcher who made a name for himself (sort of earlier) a few weeks ago when he got all pissy 'cuz A-Rod ran across Dallas Braden's mound while returning to the Yankee dugout. And, apparently, something called Dallas Braden pitched a perfect game today.<br /><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-weight: bold;">WAS DALLAS BRADEN JUSTIFIED IN BEEFING WITH A-ROID?<br /></span><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Sure ... why not.<br /><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-weight: bold;">WAS IT PROPER OF A-ROID TO USE A "15 MINUTES OF FAME" TAG FOR DALLAS BRADEN?<br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-style: italic;">Completely.<br /><br /></span></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-weight: bold;">HOW CAN A PITCHER NAMED "DALLAS" LAST LONGER THAN 15 MINUTES? </span><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><br />Well, if he's this guy:</span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><img style="width: 144px; height: 205px;" alt="http://www.thebaseballcube.com/images/cards/12119.jpg" src="http://www.thebaseballcube.com/images/cards/12119.jpg" /></div><em>... he can do it by serving up not only the lone grand slam of Pete Rose's career but also by surrendering Jimmy Piersall's 100th career homer, which prompted the very unstable Jimmy P. to round the bases while running backwards.</em><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-weight: bold;">DO YOU 'SPOSE THAT WHEN HE WAS PETE ROSE'S MANAGER IN PHILLY THAT DALLAS GREEN EVER MADE MENTION OF THAT HOMER TO PETEY?<br /></span><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><img style="width: 135px; height: 205px; cursor: -moz-zoom-in;" alt="http://www.hipolitodesigns.com/Players/Images/Dallas-Green-Autograph-TTM.jpg" src="http://www.hipolitodesigns.com/Players/Images/Dallas-Green-Autograph-TTM.jpg" /><br /></div><span style="font-style: italic;">Which one -- the grand slam or the Piersall homer? It's a good guess that Dallas Green wasn't grinning when that wack-job, Piersall, was running backwards ... a "crime" greater than A-Rod running across the mound.</span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><img style="width: 164px; height: 239px;" alt="http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/03eK4Mx5yVaXC/x350.jpg" src="http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/03eK4Mx5yVaXC/x350.jpg" /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-weight: bold;">JUDGING FROM THE FORM THAT HE DISPLAYED WHEN HE TOSSED OUT THE CEREMONIAL FIRST PITCH BEFORE THE CLINCHING GAME 5 OF THE NLCS VS. L.A. LAST OCTOBER, IS IT SAFE TO ASSUME THAT DALLAS GREEN'S SHAME HAS ABATED SOMEWHAT?</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Maybe not. I mean, lookit the sweater he was wearing under that Phillies shirt. Honest to God, who put a gun to his head and made him wear that sweater?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);"><strong></strong></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);"><strong>COULD IT HAVE BEEN JIMMY PIERSALL?</strong></span><span style="font-style: italic;"><br />Doubtful ... but, either way it's an overt fashion disaster ... because following that ceremonial pitch, he took off the Phillies shirt, thus, revealing a hodge-podge of red-and-black swirls and splotches.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-weight: bold;">EVEN MORE UNUSUAL THAN THAT CREEPY SWEATER IS THE FACT THAT WE'VE MANAGED TO TURN THIS <em>"DID DALLAS BRADEN ACTUALLY THROW A PERFECT GAME?"</em> Q&A INTO A TRIBUTE TO DALLAS GREEN.</span> </div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><img style="width: 227px; height: 174px;" alt="http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/images/200903/20090306mf_robertmorris_4_330.jpg" src="http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/images/200903/20090306mf_robertmorris_4_330.jpg" /><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><em>Yeah ... pretty cool, ain't it? The beauty part is that we can seriously ratchet up this "Dallas Green Tribute" and make it a double-whammy of Dallas Green by including #24 of Robert Morris U. --> "Dallas Green." He dazzled us in the 52-50 win over Quinnipiac for the Northeast Conference tournament championship ... a game in which Quinnipiac had 16 baskets and 15 turnovers whilst Robert Morris went 7 of 17 from the line.</em><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /><strong><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">WHEN YOU SAY THAT DALLAS GREEN "DAZZLED" US IN THAT 52-50 WIN OVER QUINNIPIAC, CAN YOU DEFINE "DAZZLE"?</span></strong><br /><em>The numbers which I used speak for themselves.</em><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"></div><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);"><strong>IS IT FAIR TO COMPARE DALLAS GREEN1, THE BASEBALLER, TO DALLAS GREEN2, THE B/BALLER?</strong></span><br /><em>No. Because to do so would be to take time away from acknowledging/praising Dallas Drake.</em><br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"></div><img style="width: 191px; height: 291px;" alt="http://americajr.com/sports/DETROIT-RED-WINGS-DRAKE.jpg" src="http://americajr.com/sports/DETROIT-RED-WINGS-DRAKE.jpg" /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><strong><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">THAT'S A GOOD POINT. THE DALLAS DRAKE SAGA WAS A GENUINE FEEL-GOOD STORY, WASN'T IT?</span></strong><em><br />Sure was. The guy was one of the so-called "rising stars" for the Red Wings during those powerful years of the early-to-mid-'90s ... but then he was shipped out as Scotty Bowman built a powerhouse his way. So, "yes" ... seeing the young hotshot No. 33 come back and win the Cup as the reliable and hard-nosed No. 17 before announcing his retirement, "yes" ... that was very gratifying.</em><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><strong><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">DIDN'T THE DALLAS DRAKE STORY HAVE THE FAIRY-TALE ENDING THAT WE HOPED WE'D READ ABOUT FOR DALLAS COMEGYS?</span></strong><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><img style="width: 232px; height: 175px;" alt="http://www.nba.com/media/timberwolves/CorbinFeature1_292_090423.jpg" src="http://www.nba.com/media/timberwolves/CorbinFeature1_292_090423.jpg" /><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><em>Sort of. Except this (see above) isn't Dallas Comegys which you've included here. It looks a lot more like that the DePaul player who we always though was a Dallas Comegys clone ... Tyrone Corbin.</em><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a class="internal" title="" href="http://hoopedia.nba.com/index.php?title=Image:Dalcom.jpg"><img style="width: 142px; height: 244px;" alt="" src="http://hoopedia.nba.com/images/4/40/Dalcom.jpg" longdesc="/index.php?title=Image:Dalcom.jpg" /></a><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);"><strong>TYRONE CORBIN AND DALLAS COMEGYS ARE "NOT" THE SAME PERSON/PLAYER?</strong></span><em><br />Apparently not ... although Dallas Comegys, not Tyrone Corbin, did carve out a nice little career for himself playin' overseas.</em><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><img style="width: 99px; height: 138px;" alt="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/slides/photos/000/183/539/82978836.jpg.6724_display_image.jpg" src="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/slides/photos/000/183/539/82978836.jpg.6724_display_image.jpg" /> <img style="width: 228px; height: 163px;" alt="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimzQKTRDgZIRv0KqinRQuLVhUwO9owSleDCCMZ4cjv3QmNQLWnkBVZOO6GpXwCdW6YOrSXquAWW_oLWB8I7C63QHlaSE-XlE9j9cGflPujEbhUUQJeKT6JQc2kAcmbeWjLJwDjKg/s320/Dallas+Baker+2.jpg" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimzQKTRDgZIRv0KqinRQuLVhUwO9owSleDCCMZ4cjv3QmNQLWnkBVZOO6GpXwCdW6YOrSXquAWW_oLWB8I7C63QHlaSE-XlE9j9cGflPujEbhUUQJeKT6JQc2kAcmbeWjLJwDjKg/s320/Dallas+Baker+2.jpg" /><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-weight: bold;">IF DALLAS COMEGYS AND TYRONE CORBIN ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON/PLAYER, THEN HOW DO WE RANK DALLAS BRADEN VS. DALLAS BAKER?</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">That's difficult to say when we weigh the Steeler career stats for the 7th-round pick in the '07 draft.<br />One career reception for 6 yds. in '08.<br /><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);"><span style="font-weight: bold;">ONE CATCH FOR 6 YARDS? TWO YEARS AGO? THAT LEAVES HIM WAYYYYYYYY BEHIND DALLAS CLARK IN CAREER RECEPTIONS, DOESN'T IT? </span></span><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><img style="width: 126px; height: 204px;" alt="http://graphics.fansonly.com/photos/schools/iowa/sports/m-footbl/auto_action/890392.jpeg" src="http://graphics.fansonly.com/photos/schools/iowa/sports/m-footbl/auto_action/890392.jpeg" /><img style="width: 279px; height: 191px;" alt="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/slideshows/70/slideshow_7029/display_image.jpg" src="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/slideshows/70/slideshow_7029/display_image.jpg" /><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);"><strong>AND WHY THE HELL DOES DALLAS CLARK GET SPECIAL TREATMENT, i.e. WEARING HIS COLLEGE #44 INSTEAD OF THE NFL-MANDATED #80 THRU #89 FOR ALL TIGHT ENDS?</strong></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">That's one helluva good point -- particularly since here (above, R) Hawkeye Dallas Clark is trying to avoid Wisconsin safety Jason Aiello, who is wearing the same style of white, Adidas #7 Badger jersey which I own.</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">If people don't already know it, a white, Adidas #7 Badger jersey is ideal for Workplace Jersey Fridays during autumn.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Sometimes, I ponder the possibilities of Dallas Jessup in a white, Adidas #7 Badger jersey more than Dallas Clark in his Iowa #44 or his Indy #44.</span><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><img style="width: 212px; height: 158px;" alt="http://a.abcnews.com/images/GMA/abc_gma_yellfire_070327_sp.jpg" src="http://a.abcnews.com/images/GMA/abc_gma_yellfire_070327_sp.jpg" /><br /></div><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-weight: bold;">DALLAS JESSUP? IS HE THE DUDE IN THIS PHOTO (^) WHO'S ABOUT TO RECEIVE A KNEE TO THE NUTS?</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Dallas Jessup is the "she" in that photo ... and she's all business, according to her bio on the back of this recently-purchased, big-grab bag of Doritos.<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><img style="width: 141px; height: 182px;" alt="http://www.dosomething.org/files/Images/BRICK/DallasPicSM.jpg" src="http://www.dosomething.org/files/Images/BRICK/DallasPicSM.jpg" /><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-style: italic;">It sez here that "the 16-year-old blonde from the state of Washington is a Tae Kwon Do black belt and an instructor in Filipino Street Fighting. After reading about a string of assaults in her area, she decided to use her skills to help teens defend themselves against attack. She created the free Just Yell Fire video," et cetera, et cetera ...</span><br /></div></div><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-weight: bold;">THAT MIGHT BE AN OLD BAG OF DORITOS BECAUSE THE INTRA-WEB SEZ THAT DALLAS JESSUP IS NOW AN 18-YEAR-OLD FRESHMAN AT VANDERBILT WHO'S A DEVOUT HUMAN-RIGHTS ACTIVIST. DOESN'T THAT SOUND A LITTLE MORE IMPORTANT THAN A BASEBALL PITCHER WHO PROMOTES "THE 2-1-9"?<br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: italic;">I guess so. But, that's the last time I trust a Big Grab of Doritos.</span></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-weight: bold;"><br /><br />SEEMS AS THOUGH WE NEVER HEAR ENOUGH ABOUT "FILIPINO STREET FIGHTING." IS THAT SUPERIOR TO BRAZILIAN JIU-JITSU THAT WE'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT? AND, </span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-weight: bold;">IF THEY EVER DO A Y2K RE-MAKE OF <em>"STAGECOACH,"</em> WOULD IT NOT MAKE TOTAL SENSE TO CAST DALLAS JESSUP IN ANN-MARGRET'S ROLE AS THE DANCE-HALL GIRL NAMED "DALLAS"?</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Well, for one thing ... the role of "Dallas" in the play/movie is not only dance-hall girl, but also a hooker. Dallas Jessup is not a hooker, according to Frito-Lay's Doritos wrapper ... she's a Filipino Street Fighter. If we re-make that movie with Dallas Jessup as Dallas, let's cast her as the street fighter who helps the townspeople kick the crap outta the Filipinos and the Brazilians.<br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><img style="width: 130px; height: 168px;" alt="http://images.artistdirect.com/Images/Sources/AMGPORTRAITS/music/portrait200/drp100/p107/p10777i7ef3.jpg" src="http://images.artistdirect.com/Images/Sources/AMGPORTRAITS/music/portrait200/drp100/p107/p10777i7ef3.jpg" /> <img style="cursor: -moz-zoom-in; width: 137px; height: 170px;" alt="http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/MMPH/174443~Ann-Margret-Posters.jpg" src="http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/MMPH/174443%7EAnn-Margret-Posters.jpg" /><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><img style="width: 96px; height: 129px; cursor: -moz-zoom-in;" alt="http://members.iquest.net/~sabrina/gregger1.jpg" src="http://members.iquest.net/%7Esabrina/gregger1.jpg" /> <img style="width: 99px; height: 124px; cursor: -moz-zoom-in;" alt="http://adamsandel.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/ann_margret.jpg" src="http://adamsandel.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/ann_margret.jpg" /></div></div><div style="text-align: left;"><strong><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">IS IT SAFE TO ASSUME THAT ANN-MARGRET -- BREATHTAKING THOUGH SHE MAY BE (AND SHALL ALWAYS REMAIN) -- COULD NEVER HAVE PULLED OFF ANY FILIPINO STREET FIGHTING SCENES IN <em>"STAGECOACH"</em>?<em></em><br /></span></strong><span style="font-style: italic;">Right ... but that's not the point -- because the funny thing about the 1966 version of </span><em style="font-style: italic;">"Stagecoach"</em><span style="font-style: italic;"> is that it also featured a young starlet named Stefanie Powers.</span></div><p style="text-align: left;" align="center"><strong><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">DID YOU KNOW THAT, ACCORDING TO THE WORD ON THE STREET, ANN-MARGRET'S LAST NAME IS "OLSSON" AND STEFANIE POWERS' IS "FEDERKIEWICZ"?</span></strong><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span></p><p style="text-align: left;" align="center"><span style="font-style: italic;">It sure makes ya wonder if Stef's family pronounced it "Fedd-DURR-kuh-wicks" or if they went with "fedder-KAY-vitch." Although Polish names are cool as hell, there's something to be said about the simplicity of the Swedish names such as "Olsson."</span></p><p style="text-align: left;" align="center"><strong><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">YEAH, BUT NEITHER OF THOSE ACTRESSES HAD A COOL NAME SUCH AS "VIRGIL TRUCKS."</span></strong></p><p style="text-align: center;"><img style="width: 191px; height: 164px;" alt="http://web.minorleaguebaseball.com/images/2006/07/26/fIfXG5vZ.jpg" src="http://web.minorleaguebaseball.com/images/2006/07/26/fIfXG5vZ.jpg" /></p><p style="text-align: left;" align="center"> <span style="font-style: italic;">No, only Virgil Trucks had the name Virgil Trucks ... and there are two fun facts about Virgil Trucks: 1) His real name really is Virgil Trucks (unless Virge forgot to tell anybody that his last name was Americanized and abbreviated to "Trucks" from either "Truckiewicz" or "Truckosaurus") and 2) </span><span style="font-style: italic;">In 1952, Virgil Trucks pitched two no-hitters during a season in which he went 5-19.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;" align="center"><span style="font-style: italic;">That's frickin' brilliant ...</span></p><p style="text-align: left;" align="center"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-weight: bold;">IS IT LEGAL TO "RANK" NO-HITTERS? AFTER ALL, DALLAS BRADEN'S WAS A PERFECT GAME ... ON MOTHER'S DAY ... AGAINST THE RED-HOT TAMPA RAYS.</span><br /></p><div style="text-align: center;"><img style="width: 167px; height: 188px;" alt="http://thebsreport.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/bunning.jpg" src="http://thebsreport.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/bunning.jpg" /><br /></div><p style="text-align: left;" align="center"><span style="font-style: italic;">Nostalgia aside, some of us will always rank Jim Bunning's perfecto on Father's Day, 1964 ahead of Braden's Mother's Day magnificence. And Rick Wise's no-no was special, too.<br /></span></p><img alt="http://lh5.ggpht.com/_C2jNsVk16vE/S3pHDKyG9GI/AAAAAAAAalw/y-LZXry2cs0/s640/Rick_Wise.jpg" src="http://lh5.ggpht.com/_C2jNsVk16vE/S3pHDKyG9GI/AAAAAAAAalw/y-LZXry2cs0/s640/Rick_Wise.jpg" /><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-weight: bold;">YEAH, BUT WISE'S GAME WASN'T A PERFECTO.</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: left; font-style: italic;">That's right. It was better than "perfection."<br /></div><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-weight: bold;">HOW SO?</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Because it was heroic. And because Rick Wise won 19 games for the Flopsox in '75 then he got dicked in the postseason, so ... Dallas Braden can basically cram it.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-weight: bold;">SO, THERE ARE DIFFERENT LEVELS OF HEROISM?</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">True dat. I mean, lookit that clown ... Jody Gerut. He went into the weekend batting .133 (4 for 30) then he busts loose on Saturday and hits for the cycle.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);"><strong>WHO THE HELL DOES JODY GERUT THINK HE IS?<br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: normal; color: rgb(51, 0, 51);"></span></strong></span><span style="font-style: italic;">Nobody's sure.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);"><strong><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: normal; color: rgb(51, 0, 51);"></span> WHO DOES JODY GERUT PLAY FOR, ANYWAY?</strong></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Nobody can remember.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);"><strong>WHO DID HE HIT FOR THE CYCLE AGAINST?<br /></strong></span><span style="font-style: italic;">Nobody cares.</span><br /><br /><strong><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">IS THERE ANY TRUTH TO THE SCUTTLEBUTT THAT DALLAS BRADEN'S NO-NO WASN'T EVEN THE BEST PITCHING PERFORMANCE OF THE WEEKEND?</span></strong><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Exactly! That distinction is reserved for Jamie Moyer, the guy who wears his age (50) and the MPH of his fastball (50) on the back of his shirt. All he did was twirl a complete-game, 2-hit shutout with 0 walks vs. the Braves.</span><br /><br /><strong><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">IS JAMIE MOYER A HALL OF FAMER?<br /></span></strong><span style="font-style: italic;">Absolutely.</span><br /><br /><strong><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">WILL HE EVER BE ENSHRINED?<br /></span></strong><span style="font-style: italic;">Absolutely not.</span><br /><br /><strong><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">WHY'S THAT?<br /></span></strong><span style="font-style: italic;">Have you seen who votes on such matters? Fred MustardStainOnHisUnwashedPoloShirt. Honestly .... if Gammons or Kurkjian are such geniuses, watch 'em stutter when you explain that Gary Carter and Lance Parrish were essentially </span><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-style: italic;">THE SAME PLAYER</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> during their careers, alas ... only Carter is in the Hall.<br />It's the same deal with Bob Boone, who, over the course of AN ENTIRE CAREER, was better than Gary Carter.<br /></span><br /><strong><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">EITHER WAY, MOYER DOIN' WHAT HE'S DOIN' AT AGE 47 IS FRICKIN' INSANE. WITH THAT 47 MPH FASTBALL, IT BASICALLY MEANS THAT HE HAS TO PITCH HIS ASS OFF TO EVERY BATTER. SO, WHADDYA 'SPOSE DALLAS BRADEN WILL BE DOING WHEN HE'S 47?</span></strong><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Same thing he'll be doing at 37 ... swing-shift floor manager at the finest topless bar in Stockton, errrr ... "the Two One Nine."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-family:courier new;font-size:180%;" >------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ <span style="font-weight: bold;">UPDATE:</span></span><span style="font-family:courier new;"> </span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:courier new;" >The subhead on this week's S.I. story (by Tom Verducci) re: Dallas Braden is a real lulu, a description of the pitcher which reads:</span> <span style="font-size:130%;"><em style="color: rgb(153, 153, 255); font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);font-family:arial;" >"... a soft-throwing, off the radar lefty who lost his mother to cancer throwing the 19th perfect game in baseball history."</span><br /><br /></em></span><strong><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">IS THIS ONE OF THOSE <span style="font-style: italic;">"EATS, SHOOTS & LEAVES"</span> SCENARIOS?<br /></span></strong><span style="font-style: italic;">Naw. This seems more like a "I Had A Dream Last Night That I Shot An Elephant In My Pajamas." None of us knew that Dallas Braden's mom died of cancer while pitching a perfect game. And who knew that an elephant could fit into my pajamas?</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Sons of bitches ... </span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><strong><span style="font-size:180%;">+ + + </span></strong></div></div></div>Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-20791564113621668432010-04-23T15:21:00.009-11:002010-12-12T00:32:50.334-11:00The BIG BENigma<span style="font-family:arial;">Because Oklahoma Sooner star basketball player Carlee Roethlisberger's big bro is now a "pariah," Rodge The Commish will strongly recommend that all of us who have counterfeit </span><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,153,0)"><b>ROTHLESBURGER</b></span><span style="font-family:arial;"> </span><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:180%;"><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,102,0); FONT-WEIGHT: bold">7</span></span><span style="font-family:arial;"> jerseys which we've been selling outta the trunk of our cars for the past three years destroy that merchandise either by bonfire or wood chipper.<br /><br />'Cuz that's what a commish does.<br /><br />He commishes.<br /><br />And enforces.<br /><br />Make no mistake: Rodge wants America to know that he's a pro-active crimebuster.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">He's pre-emptive, too.<br /><br />Which is why, when America is finished destroying all of its $275 authentic </span><span style="COLOR: rgb(255,204,0)"><b>ROETHLISBERGER</b></span><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:180%;"><span style="COLOR: rgb(255,255,255); FONT-WEIGHT: bold"> 7</span></span><span style="font-family:arial;"> jerseys, its counterfeit </span><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,153,0)"><b>ROTHLISBURGER</b></span><span style="font-family:arial;"> </span><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold;font-family:arial;font-size:180%;" ><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,102,0)">7</span></span><span style="font-family:arial;"> jerseys and its </span><span style="COLOR: rgb(204,0,0)"><b>ROETHLISBERGER </b><span style="font-size:180%;"><b>10</b></span></span><span style="font-family:arial;"> Oklahoma Sooner women's b/ball tank tops, there might be a market, after all is said and done, for a </span><span style="COLOR: rgb(255,204,0)"><b>COLLIER</b><span style="font-size:180%;"><b> </b><span style="COLOR: rgb(255,255,255)"><b>7</b></span></span></span><span style="font-family:arial;"> Steelers jersey -- in recognition of the fine work that Reggie Collier did as the Steelers' strike replacement backup QB (to the unforgettable Steve Bono) during the NFL players' strike of '87.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">And, because he was a Steelers #7 who is NOT the recently super-unpopular Roethlisberger.<br /><br />As it stands, the Steelers' Ben-igmatic QB is scheduled to miss anywhere from 4-6 games to open the season, which isn't as bad as it sounds considering that the Black N' Gold missed the playoffs last season with the Big Ben-igma available for 15 of 16 games.<br /><br />Hence, now is not the time to re-hash those bitter defeats to the Browns and Raiders, not to mention two that'll-piss-ya-off-to-your-core games which got away vs. Cinshitnati.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Instead, we're acting all introspective because Rodge The Commish administered his commissioner-doing-his-commissioner-like-due-diligence suspension based not on crimes which Roethlisberger may or may not have actually committed against two women who actually may or may not be sluts or psychopaths (or both), but for the QB's allegedly besmirching of "the values" which the NFL shield stands for.<br /><br />In the case of </span><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic;font-family:arial;" >Rodge v. Roeth</span><span style="font-family:arial;">, Goodell played God and cited the QB's violation of the NFL's so-called personal conduct policy (in legalese, they call it something like "moral terpitude") and made it clear to America that Bad Ben has somehow established a pattern of behaviour for dickheadedness.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">According to Rodge.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><br />Roeth's mistake was that he maybe got himself entangled w/ psycho chicks and maybe matters got outta hand and maybe the ground can't cause a fumble, et cetera ...<br /><br />Rodge, however, is guilty of violating The Eldrick Statute -- saying too much too often and offering nothing of much value other than deflection, a la Tiger.<br /><br />The correct way to play it? "Brevity" ... and steer clear of the pulpit re: the NFL's "high values."<br /><br />True, one of the NFL's trademarks is "giving back to the community" (thanks, United Way!), albeit we must remind ourselves from time to time exactly what the NFL seizes from the community.<br /><br />In other words, j</span><span style="font-family:arial;">ust 'cuz players huddle together on one knee immediately after the game and ceremonially give thanks to God, Rodge needs to wake up and smell the cha-ching! of the cash-register drawer.<br /><br />In a nutshell, the NFL's core values are:<br />1) Gambling, gambling and more gambling<br />2) Fantasy leagues<br />3) Teams exhibiting "high values" of competition by rolling over and playing dead in Weeks 16 and 17 so that they are well-rested for mediocre showings in the playoffs (that's you, Cinshitnati)</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">4) Carefully-packaged and skillfully-marketed booze and tits (TV ads, cheerleaders)<br />5) A 47-yard pass interference penalty in which a DB (Will Allen) barely brushes the arm of the WR (Braylon Edwards) on MNF<br />5) The unforgiveable sodomization of Gene Hickerson (the Cleveland Browns guard who was passed over for the Hall of Fame for 33 yrs. -- and then when he was enshrined in '08, Hickerson's mind was so ravaged by Alzheimer's that Gene could've been handed a coffee can filled with bolts as somebody said, <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">"Here's your trophy, Mr. Hickerson"</span> and, "yes" ... that's Gene Hickerson's blood on Goodell's hands (and don't gimme that <em>"It's Tagliabue's fault"</em>) if he can't steer a committee of blockheads to vote responsibly ... and, now, Gene Hickerson is dead ... )<br /><br />Given this list ... <span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">THAT'S</span> who/what is passing judgement on Roethlisberger???<br /><br />Makes about as much sense as seeking out Rae Carruth for his opinion on the matter because, after all, Rae Carruth himself didn't actually pull the trigger.<br /><br />In acting all "hands-on," Rodge set forth a slippery slope which'll entertain us for years -- mostly while players tackle while leading with the crowns of their helmets to their opponents' earholes.<br /><br />Another concussion? How'd THAT happen?<br /><br />If Rodge were an educator and not merely an administrator, he'd be coachin' them boys how to exhibit better tackling techniques.<br /><br />Alas ...<br /><br />Clearly, </span><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic;font-family:arial;" >Rodge v. Roeth</span><span style="font-family:arial;"> is a thinly-veiled power play which'll melt like a Popsicle on a July-baked Chicago sidewalk once exposed to the untraviolet radiation of Rodge's uneven and arbitrary application of how the NFL can strive toward of better neighborhood populated by good citizens.<br /><br />To the bastard children born out of wedlock to NFL players, however, Rodge's spanking of Roethlisberger is a victory for those bastard children whose moms who were banged by NFL players.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">For some of us, though, Roethlisberger was/is/will-always-be a two-dimensional player who appears on our regular-def TV once a week, so there's no need to lose sleep over the fact that he might've been a prick with chicks who talk a good game (take it from somebody who spent 7 yrs. w/ somebody who had 50+ pairs of "FM" pumps >> the "FM," of course, was NOT an acronym for "fantastically marvelous," as we're all well-aware), but then get all pouty when the matter of dealing with a pierced labia isn't handled on their terms (ahhhh, yes ... reminders of co-existence in a co-ed dorm ... thanks for takin' me back, NFL, to the nights of gettin' good headache from Kimmy G. and/or Connie Rob ... ).<br /><br />For those who are fervent in their battle cry of <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">"She said no"</span> and/or <i>"No means no,"</i> it's prudent to always consider the other side of the coin.</span> <div><span style="font-family:arial;">The one where "no" means: <i>"No, don't stop."</i></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">After all, it is conceivable that no matter the extent of Bad Ben's dickheadedness, his "indiscretions" might actually have been two cases of bad timing functioning in concert with two psychopathic sleazebuckets.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">Rodge felt compelled to throw the flag and march off 4-6 games for "a pattern of behaviour" ... arbitrary rulings which fall beyond his jurisdiction because ["let's all sing it together"] <b>he wasn't there.</b></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">Just as <b>he wasn't there</b> when Kimmy G was already shitfaced by the time I arrived at that off-campus party and, after shootin' me down for months, she was suddenly draped all over my action ... until she hosted a sobered-up Monday summit to review the E&O report, misremembering her errors and omissions, of course.</span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Arial;"><div><br /></span></div><span style="font-family:Arial;">And, <b>he wasn't there</b> when, a few months after Drunk Kim's Drunken Night of Drunkeness, that girl from third floor -- the very tall "Connie Rob" (who was three stories tall and whom I barely knew) -- demonstrated, in no uncertain terms, that she was a selectively-aggressive, chick-on-dude tigress who knew how to completely disrupt a rare Friday-night study time by appearing outta nowhere and providing some uninitiated-by-me-but-not-refused-by-me, good-natured horniness.<br /><br />And, let's not forget off-campus Kimberly Rose (Kim2 in this equation ... who was the complete opposite of Kimmy G.) and her formula for coralling unsuspecting-but-willing prey:</span> <div><span style="font-family:Arial;">"Just show up."</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;">(And possess male genitalia) ...<br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial;">It's not unlike when George Costanza told the Japanese TV representatives in the "un-Karl Farbman-like" episode >> <i>"You've been living in America too long." </i>(gestures to the bag of oranges)<i> "You've forgotten what it's like to have no oranges."</i></span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;">All us guys have a Kimmy G. Tease, a ConnieEagerToPlease and a KR Sleaze in our past, yet Rodge is so drunk on his commisionerosity right now that he's forgotten that the puntang power struggle has many levels of under-development and over-development.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;">And, h</span><span style="font-family:Arial;">e's forgotten what it's like to have no oranges.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;">Sometimes, chicks forget that a postgame "no means no" is in direct conflict to a "green means 'go' " paradigm during the heat of battle.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;">If Goodell and his God Complex had "been there" to rule on the Kimmy G./Too Tall Connie "indiscretions" based on chick bias, agendas and misrepresentation, I'd've been suspended for anywhere from 5 to 15 games during the intramural season when it was those chicks initiating the direct action of violating my personal space.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Arial;">So, "yeah" ... it WAS worth it to victimize Six-Three Conn-Nee in those games of Quarters.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Arial;">She wasn't actin' like a "victim" after she was escorted back to her room (tah-dah!)<br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">Sometimes, naughty chicks ruin a good guy's good reputation, only, right now, it doesn't seem as though Bad Ben has a CheckOutMyNewGirlfriendCynthia which he can wave in their faces.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Arial;">Cyn had some wheels, everybody agreed ...<br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">With his busy schedule, maybe Bad Ben doesn't have the means to find a leggy Cyn of his own -- and, to those who condemn a 28-year-old for mixin' it up w/ a 20-year-old, let's not forget what science has taught us:</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;">At 28, men are 2 yrs. shy of their sexual potency.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;">At 20, chicks are 2 yrs. past their sexual potency.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span> </div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;">Hey, t</span><span style="font-family:Arial;">hat's nature talkin', not me >> the 30-year-old dude and 18-year-old chick never works on the levels of societal compatibility ... but, it's a sexual neutron bomb.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;">Which is why the 25-year-old guy and his 25-year-old wife usually run out of gas less than 2 yrs. into their marriage.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;">After that, they're playin' out the string ... </span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;">Oftentimes, with kids attached (yee haw!) ... </span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span> </div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;">But, enough of every relationship outside my own marriage ... </span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span> </div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;">What matters is that Bad Ben is falling far behind in the QB relations race, since he hasn't pulled a Tom Brady and produced a bastard son w/ the co-star of "I, Robot" ... and he hasn't pulled a Jeff Garcia and pulled a Playboy bunny out of his hat ... and he hasn't pulled a Kyle Boller and gotten himself engaged to a Miss California who has a smokin'-hot sex tape in circulation.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><em>[Shhhhhhh! Nobody mention the time when Brady hosted 'SNL' and he starred in the workplace/sexual harassment skit highlighted by the QB unabashedly grabbing the left tit of the super-unfunny Amy Poehler -- an act which was permissable, given what the public-service production told us to do in order to avoid sexual-harassment issues: "A) Be handsome B) Be attractive C) Don't be unattractive" ... ]</em></span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;"><em><br /></em></span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;"><em>[Shhhhhhh, part2! Nobody mention what happened to QB Steve McNair and how he got permanently Kazemi'ed on Rodge's watch. Rodge might've wanted to suspend Kazemi, if only she hadn't splattered McNair's brains all over the sofa before she splattered her own brains all over McNair ... "shhhhhh!" ... ]</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">In his defense, Rodge cannot determine his jurisdiction if nobody tells him what his jurisdiction is -- which is how a Goodell gets a God Complex.</span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Arial;"><div><br /></span></div><span style="font-family:Arial;">Speaking of jurisDICKshin, Rodge cannot suspend NFL-affiliated Jimmy Johnson for appearing as a spokesperson for ExtenZe (the dick-lengthening secret which they apparently sell in capsule form) because the underlying theme in Jimmy's message is: <em>"Remember, men ... ExtenZe will make your dick longer, but it's up to you, as a good citizen, to use that lengthened cock in an appropriately mature and responsible manner."</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Interesting ... ExtenZe'll give a longer and presumably harder dick ... and while it'll turn ya into a man, it can't turn ya into a "gentle"man.</span> <div><span style="font-family:Arial;">Fascinating ... </span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">Since Rodge has a seeming selective sense of morality legislation, he might not </span><span style="font-family:arial;">budge on the Jimmy Johnson matter until the ex-coach kicks it up a notch and does an infommercial for a new book: "Jimmy Johnson's Championship Tips For Eating Pussy."</span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"><i>["Pssssst, Rodge ... the guy's peddling a dick lengthener, not a chocolately laxative ... "].</i></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">We've seen this shit before ... most recently when NY guv Eliot Spitzer went all Eliot Ness on hookers n' druggies n' such ... 'til he was outted as Client No. 9.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">It does seem as though Rodge is puttin' atop his wish list a day when everyday women are no longer subjected to the evils of NFL QBs ... and we can all return to getting past what might've (or might not've) occurred in a bathroom in a Milledgeville bar and re-focusing on the women in our lives who wear jazzy makeup and glittery costumes which accentuate their tits and asses for our home team's cheer squad.<br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">During the aftermath of RoethlisGate, the easiest thing to do was to act artificially PC and declare Roethlisberger to be the greatest asshole of the modern era. From hardcore-to-lukewarm Steeler fans, the all-too-common mantra 'round the neighborhood was the parrot-like squawk of "they-shoulda-gotten-ridda-him, awk!"</span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">Make up your mind, weirdos-who-find-Steely-McBeam-a-suitable-mascot-name. When ya had good citizen/insurance salesman Tommy Maddox as the QB, ya got all pissy when he didn't win every game, 35-7.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">THIS TRIBUNAL isn't here to defend Roethlisberger in order to justify the illegal sales of counterfeit Rothlesburger jerseys. No, we find it more sporting to shoot bazooka holes into what Rodge The Commish stands for ... particularly when he states that Bad Ben embarrassed himself, the Steelers and the NFL.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Really? Did Rodge mean "the National Football League" ... the place where upstanding fans who aren't drunk will picket games next season, parading outside stadiums w/ picket signs which read: <strong>"Protect Our Slutty & Shitfaced Daughters From Bad Ben"</strong>?</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">THAT National Football League?</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The one with teaser bets and parlays?</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><em>"Y'know, I was gonna put 5 bills on the Panthers-Seahawks game, but that damn Roethlisberger made me so mad, I think I'll put this money into my son's college fund."</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">Thanks to Crimebuster Rodge, there are no NFL lineman who have access to top-notch masking agents to disguise rampant anabolic steroid and HGH usage ... because, dammit, cheaters existed in Pete Rozelle's NFL, not in RodgeTown.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">Those 350-lb. linemen got that way via the bench press, the military press, squats and the <em>Tower 200 by Body By Jake</em>.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">It's a cop-out ... a suspension based on what might be largely vague -- and then the justification of said suspension smothered in rich-chocolatey rhetoric.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;">Well, until Rodge patches the multitude of cracks in the NFL's foundation, he has about as much clout as Toby Flinderson or Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">In the end, watchdog groups fail when nobody's watching the watchdog.<br /><br />Gene Hickerson is proof of that.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Ditto for Hall-of-Famer-in-waiting, Dermontti Dawson ...<br /><br /></span><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: center"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:180%;"><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">+ + +</span></span></span> </div></div>Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-77594082603203336112010-04-21T20:31:00.007-11:002010-05-18T20:04:39.910-11:00The Rage of Eyjafjallajokull<span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >That's what makes nature so special:<br /><br />At the time in our lives when we've finally remembered the spelling and pronunciation of the names of the wild scene unfolding within our immagination -- y'know, the one where QB Asoteletangafamosili Pogi fakes the handoff to Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala before floating a pass into the right flat to Tshmanga Biakabutuka as linebacker Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila closes in -- nature's raw power kicks in and Asoteletangafamosili Pogi, Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala, Tshmanga Biakabutuka and Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila have no choice but to yield.<br /><br /></span></span><div style="text-align: center;"><img alt="http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/img/10-08/1002agssm.jpg" src="http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/img/10-08/1002agssm.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:times new roman;" >Asoteletangafamosili Pogi ... was nowhere near<br />Eyjafjallajokull when she erupted (so he claims)</span></span><br /></div><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Nature ... it evolves and re-evolves and de-evolves and un-resolves -- but, through it all, no matter the full-scale fury and ferocity featured by the Icelandic volcano, Eyjafjallajokull should've known that it was futile to tangle with my little ginger snap.<br /><br />Eyjafjallajokull tried his/her/its best to knock Aso, CFM, Tim and KGB out of our minds, but his/her/its ash and lava were no match for my sugar plum.<br /><br />When it appeared as though she might not return from her first trip to Europe sometime until Memorial Day, the kid worked her magic and got herself home from Paris.<br /><br />Nature balanced itself out ... which is interesting, given that Asoteletangafamosili and Fuamatu-Ma'afala can trace their ancestry to the the islands not far from Krakatoa.<br /><br />And, hundreds of years ago, the Biakabutuka and Gbaja-Biamila tribes of the dark continent prayed regularly to the mighty Kilamanjaro.<br /><br /></span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:100%;" >Eyjafjallajokull ... it cannot touch Krakatoa and Kilamanjaro.<br /><br />And, Eyjafjallajokull cannot match Tuiasosopo! Manumaleuna! Onyenegecha! Loliki Bongo-Wango!<br /><br />However, when "Katla" blows her top and makes Eyjafjallajokull look like a birthday candle on top of a birthday cupcake, well ... run for your lives, Asoteletangafamosili, Fuamatu-Ma'afala, Tuiasosopo, Manumaleuna, Biakabutuka, Gbaja-Biamila, Onyenegecha, Loliki Bongo-Wango ... <span style="font-size:180%;"><br /><br />+ + +</span> </span><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span>Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-88937776481011116832010-03-17T22:14:00.012-11:002012-03-17T12:20:42.503-11:00Exhibit 15.g# -- "Mike Evanovich"The lab boys have determined that "eeee-vann-ohhh-vitch!" is probably Slavic or Serbo-Croat in origin, but it's literal translation is: "enn-nee-budd-dee" can shoot the 3-ball. ///// Last night -- in case enn-nee-budd-dee did not have the CollegeInsider.com Postseason Tournament TV package, Fairfield invaded Fairfax for a CIT first-rounder vs. George Mason in a game which, according to the Washington Post, was played before "2,062 disgusted spectators". ////// Mike Evanovich -- a 6-8 reserve who avgs. 6.9 PPG -- drained 9 of 14 treys (he's a 27% shooter "from distance") as the Staggerin' Stags fought back from a 63-36 deficit (27 pts.) and won in OT. ///// There can be no dispute: <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">"GREATEST FIRST-ROUND CIT GAME EVER!!!"</span> ///// Fairfield! //// Down 27! /// In Fairfax! //// Eeeee-vannnn-ohhhh-vich!!! seems like the poster child for the assertion that ennnnn-neeee-budddd-deeee can SHOOT the 3 ... and that same ennn-neee-buddd-deee will, once per season, register a 9 of 14 to go along with 0 of 6, 1 of 4, 1 of 5, 0 of 5, 1 of 9, 2 of 8, 3 of 8, 0 of 5, 0 of 4, 0 of 5, 6 of 10, 0 of 10 ... ///// It's a fairly common phenomenon ... except for anybody who wears a Winthrop jersey. In that breathtaking NCAA "play-in" game last night, the team which ranks dead last in the nation (347th out of 347 teams) in 3-pt. % (25.5) did not disappoint the 2,062 disgusted spectators who tuned in to the ballgame (while "coming down" from a crack-cocaine binge). ///// Wimp-throp drilled 2 of 21 threes -- a 9.5 percentage which could do damage to its 25.5 percentage. ///// Here's the deal: America has to decide for itself if this year's play-in game which pitted Ark.-Pine Bluff (the team which began the season 0-11 w/ 11 road losses @ UTEP, Okie State, G-Tech, Missouri, K-State, and Oregon to name a few) and the Worst 3-Ball Team Ever was better/worse/or whatever than last year when More!Head! defeated Chief Kickingstallionsims or better/worse/or whatever than two years ago when Mount St. Mary's knocked out Coppin State, which had a 4-19 record 2.5 mos. into the season. ///// In the end, it looks as though we're headed for our worstest CIT tourney ever.Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-22687759726079191222010-02-18T20:13:00.001-11:002010-05-28T04:22:17.699-11:00Eve of Eldrick<strong><span style="font-size:130%;">They say Eldrick's gonna make a speech tomorrow ... and that good seats are still unavailable, so don't bother calling Ticketron.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Hmmmm ... unless he's pulling a Joe Biden and re-delivering the Emancipation Proclamation (and calling them "his own words"), I'm gonna pass.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Which mean</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">s that I, like a lotta people, won't be spending Friday afternoon lying on the bed, sprawled on the comforter which my grandma knitted me as the following words escape from my pen and spill onto the pgs. of the journal:</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"><em><span style="color:#3333ff;">"DEAR DIARY ... Eldrick's powerful words moved me today ..."</span></em> </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Seriously, what does this have to do with Lindsey Vonn's fake shin injury?</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">And, if Eldrick fails to put Julie and Jolie atop his puntang-pounding Top 10, deal me out.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Dish some some inner-thigh dirt, Woody.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Which chick squealed like an Everglades reptile with its tail caught in a wringer?</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">And, say ... isn't it tragic how we can't use the old-school, curtains-match-carpet expression any more because every chick shaves/waxes that neighborhood nowadays?</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Was there ever a misunderstanding with any of those skanks when you were maybe a little buzzed from the combination of that day's hGH cycle and the booze in front of you and you spied an uggo across the crowded club and you wearily leaned over to that hottie, pointed to the uggo and said, <em>"I wouldn't fuck HER with Stevie's dick"</em>???</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">(Sigh) ... America feels a little less like America when one of its proudest Americans won't field questions and create a greater understanding.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">For the children ... mostly the </span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">14-year-old girls out there who are manicuring their landing strips.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">(Sigh) ... the terrorists win (again) and America is held hostage as Eldrick morphs from a silo of vanilla nothingness to cardboard-cutout cartoon character.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Unless he does his speaking in conversational Cantonese (or Mandarin) tomorrow, it doesn't look as though he'll do anything to break the tie he currently holds with Pat Knight as Most-Lifeless & Unoriginal Person Alive.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">So, begging yer pardon ESPN, but this'll never be one of those cathartic moments in our lives.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Unless cathartic means, <em>"I Don't Remember Where I Was And What I Was 'Sposed To Be Doing When I Remembered To Forget To Watch/Listen To/Care About The Team Tiger Oral Report."</em></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">(Punch Line #488 Which Has Magically Written Itself: </span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"><em>"Oral? At least he didn't type 'anal' ..." </em>)</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:webdings;font-size:180%;"><em>b</em></span></strong>Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-87265657408350287162010-02-06T22:16:00.006-11:002010-07-08T14:23:15.474-11:00BLIZZARDSAURUS REX vs. SNOWZILLA<div style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:85%;">Did President Oprah actually chuckle and call it "snowmageddon"?<br /><br />Who fed him that orchestrated quip, anyway?<br /><br />It's nearly as lame as those who are calling it "the abominable snowstorm."<br /><br />Look: If I wasn't so busy shoveling the 28-30 inches of snow outta my driveway (located outside this Honeycomb Hideout), I'd wipe those smiles off their smart-alecky faces by puttin' the business side of this shovel upside their smart-alecky heads.<br /><br />Either way, here's the data (as compiled by the lab boys in Data Processing):<br /><br />- - Approx. 21-22 inches during that Sat. Dec. 19 storm ...<br /><br />- - Snow which remained virtually unmelted for one week -- 'til the day after Xmas when the thermometer hit 52 and a day's worth of rain completely cleared the white stuff ...<br /><br />- - The last of the parking-lot iceburgs finally disappeared Mon. Jan. 25 ...<br /><br />- - Five days later (Sat. Jan. 29), 4 inches fell ...<br /><br />- - Four days after that (Weds. Feb. 3), 4 inches on top of the 0.36 inches which remained from four days earlier ...<br /><br />- - And, the early returns from this Feb. 5-6 monster: Anywhere from 21 to 38 inches ...<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">Season total</span><span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">:</span> 60-point-something ...<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">Record for one winter:</span> 62 inches ...<br /><br />Which will be surpassed Tues./Weds. when the next 8-27 inches hits the front step.<br /><br />Interestingly, the local record high for Feb. 6 was 72 degrees set wayyyy back on 2/6/08.<br /><br />No matter how ya slice it, these storms must be treated with respect. And, that's why we must call them by their proper names: "Blizzardsaurus Rex" and "Snowzilla."<br /><br />Snowmageddon?<br /><br />That's so amateur ... so juvenille ...<br /><br />Damn sons of bitches ...<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-size:180%;">+ + +</span> </span><br /></div><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /><br /><br /></span></div>Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-41788013418188404242010-01-10T20:14:00.010-11:002010-05-28T04:11:53.135-11:00Secrets To UT's Upset of #1 KU<strong>It doesn't matter what today's date is (unless your birthday happens to fall on this day, Jan. 10 ... and most of us forgot to buy you a present, anyway, so get over yourself already, okay?) because Tennessee didn't actually win this game today vs. Kansas -- the Vols won it on November 17th.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Likewise, Kansas didn't lose this game today -- they lost it on December 2nd.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Keys to the Vols' victory: In that 75-pt. victory over UNC-Asheville (124-49), people tend to forget that it was a threeeeee by Skylar McBeeeee which put the Vols up by 68 with 11:52 to play and that it was a 3-ball by Bobby Maze which put UT up by 70 (101-31) with 8:27 remaining.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>And, although Renaldo Woolridge's 3-ball put the Vols up 80 (112-32) with 5:51 to play, he did miss a three 1:24 later which would've put the Vols up by 83 and, a little less than three minutes later, he missed another 3-ball when the Vols were up by 80.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>It's official: Renaldo Woolridge is NOT the guy you want takin' the 3 when you're up by 80.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Nevertheless, those who truly love b/ball applaud the manner in which UT summoned up the courage to bust some treys when they were up anywhere from 68 to 80 points vs. UNC-Asheville two months ago.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>That confidence paid off today -- and it just might be what "vaults the Vols!" to the top of the heap when they're cuttin' down the nets and CBS is cueing up <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">"One Shining Moment."</span> </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Woolridge was 4 of 6 from downtown today, only, that's not what killed KU.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>What worked against the Jaywalks was that 98-31 win over Alcorn State (0-9 at the time) five weeks ago.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Alcorn had that 4-0 lead before KU overreacted and went on a 36-0 run during an 11:58 span. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Sherron Collins demonstrated incredible heroism that day ... bustin' a trey seven seconds into a fresh shot clock to put KU up 77-28 -- and, then, a little more than a minute later,<span style="FONT-STYLE: italic"> <span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">"blammo!"</span></span> ... the kid was at it again, poppin' another 3-ball eight seconds into a fresh shot clock to put the Jays up by 54.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Sadly, Sherron Collins was only 2 of 10 on 3-balls today, meaning that either he's a very cocksure young man when he's bustin' treys against a winless opponent which commits 30 turnovers in a 67-point loss or, well, ummm ... maybe it just wasn't his day. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>What's important is that coaches such as Bill Self and Bruce Pearl are such excellent teachers and molders of talent that, even when their teams are up by 49 or 54 or 68 or 80 points, their teams never quit competing and giving it their all.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Then again, some might argue that ballgames which explode into massacres of 49, 54, 68, 80, et cetera is the same as watching footage from WWII when German bulldozers pushed piles of naked-and-dead bodies into trenches after the gas chambers have been emptied.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Yup ... it's a holocaust -- and Pearl, more than anybody else, should acknowledge b/ball genocide.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Pro-Pearlists are likely to reason that the UT coach -- the Jewish guy who allows his no-talent Jewish son to wear the #22 which was worn by one of the ballin'est Hebrews of all-time (Ernie Grunfeld) -- perhaps remembers that footage from WWII ... and now he's going to make everybody pay ... a lot like that scene from <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">"Unforgiven"</span> when Clint iced that guy and Hackman barked, <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">"You just shot an unarmed man!"</span></strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Clint (snarling, of course): <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">"Well, he should've armed himself."</span></strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>By triggering the compassionless slaughter of UNC-Asheville, Pearl was attempting to establish a "master race" (of no-talent hoopsters who'll make you puke when you watch 'em in ballgames wherein the final margin is not 49, 54, 68 or 80 pts).</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Pitino tried this "master race" strategy last year when his Lousyville death squadron mercilessly launched 3's when the game was already outta hand against DePaul (which was 0-13 in Big East play at the time).</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Lousyville was 18 of 36 "from distance" (most of those attempts were well after the game was in hand), alas ... Pitino (surprise!) did not use that momentum to capture his fourth consecutive NCAA championship.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Those slouches on the Disneyland B/Ball Channel (Knight, Vitale, Digger) won't admonish coaches who are gutless and produce gutless teams, so, let's hear it for blowouts where the kids "never stop competing."</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Then again, if UT-Knoxville wished to sodomize UNC-Asheville with a rusty pipe, then shouldn't the Vols have spent the second half shootin' nuthin' but halfcourt shots?</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>In case it matters, America, Bruce Pearl is a shitty coach, but, moreover, he's unimaginatively lousy.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>But, wait! There's more!</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Little Stevie Pearl missed both FTs today ... the first time he's missed from the foul line this season.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>On the other hand, those were his first attempts of the season and he's now 3 of 10 in his career.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Kid's gotta polish his game before March Madness so as to avoid rocky times 'round Rocky Top ... </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:180%;">+ + +</span></strong>Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-7879139945572210562010-01-06T20:07:00.009-11:002010-07-06T09:56:12.930-11:00"310 From Contention"THAT WAS ALWAYS THE SOURCE OF CONFLICT any time the conversation turned to the movie (or, if you prefer, "motion picture") "3:10 To Yuma."<br /><br />The title.<br /><br />As we all remember, it was in Contention, Arizona where Daniel Evans fought impossible odds to get Ben Wade on that train ... a train scheduled to depart the station at 10-past-3 p.m., w/ the destination: Yuma.<br /><br />But, then Ben Wade's chief lieutenant, Charlie Prince, gunned down poor Daniel ... before Ben Wade gunned down Charlie and the rest of his own gang.<br /><br />After all, Ben Wade had twice busted outta that Yuma jail.<br /><br />It's these thoughts of "3:10 From Contention" -- be it the original 1957 version with Glenn Ford and Van Heflin -- or the remake 50 yrs. later (with Russell Crowe and Christian Bale -- and a damn quality sinister element from Ben Foster as Charlie Prince ... although Richard Jaeckel in that role in the originial, never mind) ... these are the thoughts which can swirl inside a man's head as he's brushinwyou're brushin' your teeth and you look in the mirror and then you do a double-take because suddenly it hits you:<br /><br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">"When the hell did I turn into Rosie O'Donnell?"</span><br /><br />Although it used to be that you weren't all that offended when somebody remarked that my taste in women and Rosie's was approximately the same, it doesn't ease the fright which has gripped my heart once I realized that ugly and obese and less softball talent than she is a lonely way to die.<br /><br />It hit home a few days ago ... when I stepped on the allegedly-accurately-calibrated scale at Dr. Gibbons office.<br /><br />What a grim milestone it was: "3-bills."<br />Actually, 3-bills-plus.<br /><br />311, to be exact.<br /><br />It used to be the goal of thousands of slo-pitch softball fatsos everywhere ... for those who believed that America remains strongest when the softball fields are occupied (with a runner at second at one out) -- <em><strong>"to have three numbers sync up nicely:<span style="COLOR: rgb(51,51,255)"> <u>playing weight</u>, <u>batting average</u>, <u>ERA</u></span>."</strong></em><br /><br />The accepted-yet-unofficial Magic Number was once <strong><span style="COLOR: rgb(255,204,51);font-size:180%;" >425</span></strong> ... as in <span style="COLOR: rgb(255,0,0)"><strong>425 lbs.</strong></span> ... <span style="COLOR: rgb(255,0,0)"><strong>.425 BA</strong></span> ... <strong><span style="COLOR: rgb(255,0,0)">4.25 ERA</span></strong>., alas ... that "golden plateau" loses its luster with the convergence of three factors: multi-grains, zero grams of trans fat and my own retirement a few seasons ago.<br /><br />Such a trifecta was a little like the phenomenon which occures in nature wherein Jamie Moyer wears his age and the speed-in-MPH of his fastball on the back of his Phillies shirt.<br /><br />"50."<br /><br />Once a Steelers fan eclipses 3-bills, he begins to wonder what's next on the horizon.<br /><br />Willie Colon's 315?<br />Trai Essex's 324?<br />Chris Kemoeatu's 344?<br /><br />T<a href="http://www.baseballreference/"><strong></strong></a><u><strong></strong></u>echnically, none of those guys is morbidly obese ... mostly because a Super Bowl ring negates obesity.<br /><br /><em></em>Yet, when you're 300 and blobby and O'Donnellish, it's difficult to remember the days when you were 250 and legging out a triple during the softball wars of yore.<br />Or when you were 275 and legging out a triple ... and wishin' that somebody knocks ya in from third right quick so that you can grab a Pall Mall before it's time to take the field for the top of the 5th.<br /><br />"3oo" was a lot more fun when it was Homer who was striving to achieve that milestone so that he could work at home and disdaining the exercise program led by Mr. Burns ("push out the jive ... bring in the love ...").<br /><br />HOMER (reading the computer screen): <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">"Do you want to vent the core?" </span>(answering out loud before typing) "N ... O ..." (reading the computer screen) <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">"Are you sure? Venting helps to prevent ex-ploh-zhee-yunn?"</span><br /><br />That's a frickn', all-time classic -- highlighted by his msg. to Marge upon discovering that he needed to type only "Y" rather than "y-e-s" to the computer:<br /><br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic; FONT-WEIGHT: bold">"Hey, Miss Doesn'tFindMeSexuallyAttractiveAnymore ... I just tripled my productivity!"</span><br /><br />Looks as though I've gotta do the same.<br /><br />Or I'll never be able to delight the fans with another triple ...<br /><br /><span style="font-size:180%;"><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">+ + + </span></span><br /><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: center"><em></em><span style="font-family:webdings;font-size:180%;"><em><strong></strong></em></span><br /></div><span style="font-family:webdings;font-size:180%;"><em><strong></strong></em></span>Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-67420666851650645612009-12-20T04:32:00.018-11:002011-01-30T12:20:23.705-11:00STEELERS: 37-36 Splashdown Into The Sea of 7-7s<strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">... and what a crash-landing it was for the Black N' Gold ... cannonballing into the Seven Seas of seven teams with W-L records of seven-up, seven-down once Number Seven rifled that pass to the left side of the end zone -- a few yards beyond the goal-line pylon -- to the waiting arms of Number Seventeen. ////// Fascinating in the sense that the Packers' #26 (the name isn't important, really) was providing quality coverage ... yet, Mike Wallace cradled the pelota and kept his toes inbounds as the scoreboard clock read "0:00." /////// Is THAT what the NFL means by its "Play 60" campaign? /////// Anyway, in several TV markets around the nation, we didn't get much more than GB's final TD + 2-pt.er before the historic march to glory (highlighted by the 4th-down completion to Holmes across the middle and the 3rd-and-long completion to Heath on a deep-out) ... all of which snapped the Steeler's 5-gm. skid. ///// It's probably a good thing that it worked out that way, too, because if some of us had witnessed Tomlin's decision to onside-kick-it following the FG which provided a 30-28 lead ... <em>jiminy christmas, Mike! whattheflockyoudoin'?!</em> ... ///// But, our cosmos is a crazy wonderland ... i.e., after winning the first <span style="color:#009900;">11-10 game</span> in <span style="color:#cc0000;"><span style="color:#3333ff;">NFL</span> history</span>, the Steelers end up on the smiley-face side --> <span style="font-size:180%;color:#cc33cc;">:)</span> <-- of the first <span style="color:#009900;">37-36 game</span> in <span style="color:#cc0000;"><span style="color:#3333ff;">NFL</span> history</span>. //// // //// // What are the odds of that? //// Probably as great as the odds of a black receiver named Mike Wallace playin' for an NFL organization which once had a white LB named Ed Bradley at the same time that CBS had a black guy named Ed Bradley on its <em>"60 Minutes"</em> news program. ///// Still, 37-36 makes y'wonder how many 33-32 games we've had in NFL history (best guess: None ... maybe one ... it'd be fun if it was yer job to research it ... that is, as long as that job had a 401k and a dental plan, y'know?). ////// Either way, the historic 37-36 outcome gave us some long-lasting images ... such as No. 24 (CB Jarrett Bush) gettin' beat for some big gainers (first, by Wallace for the 60-yd. TD on the Steelers' first play from scrimmage ... then by Ward on that 54-yd. completion in which Roethlisberger scrambled, bought time and then let fly with a pass which looked as though he was either throwing a javelin or launching a halfcourt shot at the buzzer). //////// Big Ben very much shredded the Packer secondary (a Steeler record 503 yds. ... see ya 'round, Tommy Maddox!) -- and it is amusing in the sense that Bush wears #24 and the other CB, Josh Bell, wears #26 ... hmmmmm, didn't Packer Hall of Famers Willie Wood and Herb Adderly wear #24 and #26? (that's a rhetorical question ... of course they did). /////// And, for all of us who noticed that Aaron Rodgers wears Lynn Dickey's ol' No. 12, we get a gold star (although we can't remember if the #25 which Ryan Grant wears previously belonged to Harlan Huckleby or Eddie Lee Ivery). /////////// Good thing we're never going to see anyone wearing Nitzschke's #66 and, say, where the heck did KGB (Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila) disappear to? Wouldn't tonight have been a perfect time to see KGB tangle with CFM? go? ////// We miss that guy. ////// We're hearin' a lot how A.J. ree eww ee rrr In this, the game which pitted 2 of the 3 guys from the NFL's "Play 60" TV spots (Hawk n' Hines ... Antonio Gates is the other) eee ewwww eee w aerial circuseii ierieii rri www rere //// //// //// // Looks handsome next to thoseee Beaten the Vikes (11-3), Chargers (11-3), Titans (7-7), Only 4 of the AFC's 16 teams have losing records (Browns 3-11, K.C. 3-11, Raiders 5-9, Bills 5-9) -- and the Curtain has lost to three of 'em. ///// Don't forget that stupid loss in Soldier Field. ////// <<< <<<< <<<>> Balt. would be 3-3). /////</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-size:180%;"><u><em>2009</em></u></span></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 38-28 S.D.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;color:#000000;">W 37-36 G.B.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><em><u><span style="font-size:180%;">2008</span></u></em></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 38-7 Texans</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 38-10 @ Cincy</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 33-10 @ N.E.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 14-31 @ Tenn.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 31-0 Cleve.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">*** W 35-24 S.D.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><em><u><span style="font-size:180%;">2007</span></u></em></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 34-7 @ Cleve.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 37-16 S.F.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 28-31 @ Denv.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 38-7 Balt.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;">W 31-28 Cleve.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;">L 13-34 @ N.E.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;">W 41-24 @ St.L</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">*** L 29-31 Jax.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;">Going into today's game, Mike Tomlin was 11-0 when the Steelers had scored at least 30 points (but, 0-4 when allowing 30+ pts.).</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;">That's thehhe hhwhwhw In his two-plus seasons, Mike Tomlin's teams have scored </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">53 times Cowher teams scored at least 30 pts. in a game. The W-L record in those games was 47-5-1.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">36 times in his 15 yrs., an opponent scored 30+ pts. >>>> Steelers record was 7-28-1 in those ... 22 of those were by double-digits </span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">More surprisingly, in those 53 games in which Cowhersdddssd only 9 times was the game decided by 7 pts. or fewer (and four of those occurred during the '02 season, most-notably, the 34-31 win over the Ravens to end the regular season, the 36-33 comeback win over the Browns amid the snow flurries and then the 34-31, OT loss to the Titans on the FG by Joe Nedney).</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Tomlin's "now" 12-0 record when the Steelers score 30 includes 10 W's by 10 pts. or more (including the 38-28 win over the Chargers the first Sunday in Oct.).</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Until we crunched the numbers for ourselves, we had no idea that the disparity was so great.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">35-31 or 31-24 are serious anamolies.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">The norm is more like 31-14.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Or 34-20.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Or 35-17.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Or 33-10.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;">Or 31-7.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;">Or 38-21.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;">Or (my personal fave): 32-0.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><em><u><span style="font-size:180%;">2006</span></u></em></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 45-7 KC</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color:#ffcc33;">L 38-41 (OT) @ Atl.</span></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 20-31 Denv.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color:#33cc00;">W 38-31 N.O.</span></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 37-3 @ Caro.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 7-31 Balt.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-size:180%;"><u><em>2005</em></u></span></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 34-7 Tenn.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 34-21 Cleve.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color:#ffcc33;">L 31-38 Cincy</span></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 35-21 Det.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">***W 31-17 @ Cincy</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">***W 34-17 @ Denv.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><em><u><span style="font-size:180%;">2004</span></u></em></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 13-30 @ Balt.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 34-23 Cleve.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 34-20 N.E.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color:#33cc00;">W 33-30 @ NYG</span></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">*** L 27-41 @ N.E.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><u><em><span style="font-size:180%;">2003</span></em></u></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 34-15 Balt.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 20-41 @ K.C.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 13-30 @ Tenn.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 13-33 Cleve.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 21-33 St.L</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 14-30 @ S.F.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 40-24 S.D.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><u><em><span style="font-size:180%;">2002</span></em></u></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 14-30 @ N.E.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 17-30 Oak.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 29-32 @ N.O.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 34-7 @ Cincy</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 31-18 @ Balt.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color:#3333ff;">T 34-34 (OT) Atl.</span></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 23-31 @ Tenn.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 30-14 Caro.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color:#33cc00;">W 34-31 Balt.</span></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color:#33cc00;">***W 36-33 Cleve.</span></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color:#ffcc33;">L 31-34 (OT) @ Tenn.</span></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:180%;"><u><em>2001</em></u></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 34-7 Tenn.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 34-24 @ Tenn.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 47-14 Det.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><u><em></em></u></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><u><em><span style="font-size:180%;">2000</span></em></u> </span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 24-34 Jax</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 48-28 @ Cincy</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 10-30 @ NYG</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 34-21 @ S.D.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><u><em>1999</em></u> //// W 43-0 @ Cleve. ... L 24-31 Balt. ... L 19-35 @ K.C. ... W 30-20 Caro. ... L 27-36 Tenn. ///// <em><u>1998</u></em> ///// <span style="color:#ffcc33;">L 31-41 Tenn.</span> ... W 30-15 Jax. ... /////// <u><em>1997</em></u> ///// L 7-37 Dall. ... L 21-30 @ Jax. ... W 37-24 Tenn. ... <span style="color:#33cc00;">W 42-34 @ Balt.</span> ... W 37-0 Balt. ... W 35-24 Denv. ////// <u><em>1996</em></u> ///// W 31-17 Balt. ... W 30-16 Hou. ... W 42-6 St.L ... L 24-34 @ Cincy ... L 17-31 @ Balt. [ W 42-14 Indy] ///// <u><em>1995</em></u> ///// W 34-17 @ Hou. ... L 24-44 Minn. ... W 31-16 S.D. ... <span style="color:#33cc00;">W 37-34 (OT) @ Chi.</span> ... <span style="color:#33cc00;">W 49-31 @ Cincy</span> ... W 41-27 N.E. ... [ W 40-21 Buff. ] ///// <u><em>1994</em></u> ///// W 31-21 Indy ... L 13-30 @ Sea. ... W 30-14 Hou. ... W 38-15 @ Cincy ... <span style="color:#ffcc33;">L 34-37 @ S.D.</span> //// <u><em>1993</em></u> ////// W 34-7 Cincy ... W 45-17 @ Atl. ... W 37-14 N.O. ... L 13-37 @ Denv. /////<em> <u>1992</u></em> ///// W 30-14 Indy ... L 6-30 @ Chi. /////</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Noll 29-3 when scoring 30 //// 48-2-1 >>>> 77-5-1 //// when he was missing the playoffs in 6 of his final 7 seasons, </span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;">In those final seasons, Noll was 1-22 in games in which the Steelers surrendered 30+ pts. ... 17 of those losses were by double-digits ... 11 were by 20 pts. or more ... </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;">Noll in '72 thru '80 went 44-0-1 when they scored 30 pts. (28 of those wins were by 20+ pts.) -- until a 45-34 loss to the Raiders on MNF on Oct. 20...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Steelers were 2-8-1 when allowing 30 in '72 thru '79 -- and those two wins were both vs. the Browns during the Super Bowl XIV season ... 51-35 in Cleveland (when Rocky blasted off for that DDDDyd. TD ... on a sloppy day in Municipal Stadium when Sipe was neutralized and Dino Hall was contained ...) and that 33-30 OT eeiwnnee game in 3 Rivers ... </span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><u><em>1991</em></u></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;color:#ff0000;">L 34-52 @ Buff.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 33-27 @ Cincy</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 14-41 Wash.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 6-31 @ Hou.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><u><em>1990</em></u></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 36-14 S.D.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 34-17 @ Denv.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 41-10 L.A. Rams</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 35-0 Cleve.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 14-34 @ Hou.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><u><em>1989</em></u></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 0-51 Cleve.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 10-41 @ Cincy</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 7-34 @ Denv.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 34-14 Mia.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 31-22 @ Tampa</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><u><em>1988</em></u></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 29-30 @ Wash.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 28-36 @ Buff.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 14-31 @ Phoe.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 14-34 Hou.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 39-21 Denv.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 7-42 @ Cincy</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color:#33cc00;">W 37-34 @ Hou.</span></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 40-24 Mia.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><u><em>1987</em></u></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 30-17 S.F.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 21-31 @ L.A. Rams (rplcmnt tm.)</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 24-35 @ Mia.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 30-16 @ Cincy</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><u><em>1986</em></u> </span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 0-30 @ Sea.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 7-31 @ Minn.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 0-34 N.E.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 30-9 Cincy</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color:#ffcc33;">L 31-37 (OT) @ Cleve.</span></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 45-24 @ NYJ</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><u><em>1985</em></u></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 45-3 Indy</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 24-37 Cincy</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 36-28 @ K.C.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 30-7 @ Hou.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 23-30 Wash.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">L 23-31 Denv.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color:#ffcc33;">L 44-54 @ S.D.</span></span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">W 30-24 Buff.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><u><em>1984</em> </u>////// L 27-37 K.C. ... W 38-17 Cincy ... L 7-31 Mia. ... W 35-10 Atl. ... W 35-7 Hou. ... W 52-24 S.D. ... [ L 28-45 @ Mia. ] /////// <u><em>1983</em></u> ///// W 40-28 @ Hou. ... W 44-17 Cleve. ... L 3-45 @ Det. ... W 34-7 @ NYJ ... L 17-30 @ Cleve. ... [ L 10-38 @ L.A. Raiders ] //////// <u><em>1982</em></u> ///// W 36-28 @ Dall. ... W 35-14 K.C. ... W 37-14 N.E. ... W 37-21 Cleve. ... [ L 28-31 S.D. ] <span style="color:#ff0000;"><em>>>>> (4-0 when scoring 30; 0-1 when allow 30)</em></span> ///// <u><em>1981</em></u> ////// <span style="color:#ffcc33;">L 33-37 K.C.</span> ... L 10-30 @ Mia. ... W 38-10 NYJ ... L 7-34 @ Cincy ... W 34-20 @ Atl. ... W 32-10 @ Cleve. ... L 27-30 @ Oak. <em><span style="color:#ff0000;">>>>> (3-1 when scoring 30; 0-4 when allow. 30)</span></em> //////// <u><em>1980</em></u> ///// W 31-17 Hou. ... L 28-30 @ Cincy ... W 38-3 Chi. ... <span style="color:#ffcc33;">L 34-45 Oak.</span> <em><span style="color:#ff0000;">>>>> (3-1 when scoring 30; 0-2 when allow. 30)</span></em> /////// <u><em>1979</em></u> ///// W 38-7 Hou. ... <span style="color:#009900;">W 51-35 @ Cleve. </span>... W 42-7 Denv. ... W 38-7 Wash. ... W 30-3 @ K.C. ... L 7-35 @ S.D. ... <span style="color:#009900;">W 33-30 (OT) Cleve.</span> ... W 37-17 @ Cincy ... [ W 34-14 Mia. ... W 31-19 vs. L.A. Rams ] <em><span style="color:#ff0000;">>>>> (9-0 when scoring 30; 2-1 when opp. scored 30)</span></em> //////<em> <u>1978</u></em> ///// W 31-7 Atl. ... W 34-14 @ Cleve. ... W 35-13 Balt. ... [ W 33-10 Denv. ... W 34-5 Hou. ... W 35-31 vs. Dall. ] <em><span style="color:#ff0000;">>>>> (6-0 when scoring 30; opp. never hit 30)</span></em> ////// ... <u><em>1977</em></u> ////// L 21-31 @ Balt. ... W 35-21 Cleve. ... W 30-20 Sea. ... [ L 21-34 Denv. ] <em><span style="color:#ff0000;">>>>></span> <span style="color:#ff0000;">(2-0 when scoring 30; 0-2 when allowing 30)</span></em> ///// <u><em>1976</em></u> ///// L 28-31 @ Oak. ... W 31-14 Cleve. ... L 27-30 N.E. ... W 45-0 @ K.C. ... W 32-16 Hou. ... W 42-0 T.B. ... [ W 40-14 @ Balt.] <em><span style="color:#ff0000;">>>>> (5-0 when scoring 30; 0-2 when allowing 30)</span></em> ///// <u><em>1975</em></u> ///// W 37-0 @ S.D. ... L 21-30 Buff. ... W 42-6 @ Cleve. ... W 34-3 Chi. ... W 30-24 @ Cincy ... W 32-9 @ Hou. ... W 31-17 Cleve. ... W 35-14 Cincy<em><span style="color:#ff0000;"> >>>> (7-0 when scoring 30; 0-1 when allowing 30)</span></em> ////// <u><em>1974</em></u> ////// W 30-0 Balt. ... <span style="color:#3333ff;">T 35-35 (OT) @ Denv.</span> ... W 34-24 @ K.C. ... [ W 32-14 Buff. ] <em><span style="color:#ff0000;">>>>> (3-0-1 when they scored 30; 0-0-1 when allowing 30)</span></em> ///////// <u><em>1973</em></u> ///// W 33-6 Cleve. ... W 35-7 @ Hou. ... W 38-21 S.D. ... L 26-30 @ Mia. ... W 33-7 Hou. ... W 37-14 @ S.F. ... [ L 14-33 @ Oak] <em><span style="color:#ff0000;">>>>> (5-0 when they scored 30; 0-2 when they allowed 30)</span></em> /////// <u><em>1972</em></u> ////// W 34-28 Oak. ... W 33-3 N.E. ... W 38-21 @ Buff. ... W 40-17 Cincy ... W 30-0 Cleve. <span style="color:#ff0000;"><em>>>>></em> <em>(5-0 when they scored 30; opp. didn't score 30)</em></span> ////////</span> </span></strong>Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-75064910268530770512009-12-17T18:27:00.010-11:002010-10-22T11:21:04.921-11:00Now Pitching For #34 Cliff Lee, It's #34 Roy Halladay<div>Now that the dust has settled following The Big Swap which has landed Roy Halladay in Philly, it's important to ask the necessary questions.<br /><br />Atop that list is this:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"What is every Phillie pitcher's fascination with uniform #34?"<br /></span><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><img style="width: 263px; height: 251px;" alt="http://www.thefightins.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/royjersey.jpeg" src="http://www.thefightins.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/royjersey.jpeg" /><br /></div><br />Is every pitcher who arrives in Philly overtly superstitious -- or is that red, pinstriped shirt w/ the red "34" on the back actually THE SAME SHIRT which has been passed from Ben Rivera to Keith Millwood to Gavin Floyd to Freddy Garcia to Cliff Lee and now to Halladay?<br /><br /> <div id="ctl00_MainContentHolder_SmartViewControl1_pnlMainImg" class="MainImage" style="height: 332px; width: 466px;"><div style="text-align: center;"> <a id="ctl00_MainContentHolder_SmartViewControl1_MainImage" rel="lightbox[prod]" href="http://www.mitchellandness.com//images/products/MEDIUM/7229_4AF_83GMATT_1_M.jpg"> </a><div id="ctl00_MainContentHolder_SmartViewControl1_pnlMainImg" class="MainImage" style="height: 332px; width: 466px;"> <a id="ctl00_MainContentHolder_SmartViewControl1_MainImage" rel="lightbox[prod]" href="http://www.mitchellandness.com//images/products/MEDIUM/7229_4AF_83GMATT_1_M.jpg"><img src="http://www.mitchellandness.com//images/products/MEDIUM/7229_4AF_83GMATT_1_M.jpg" alt="Image Preview" style="border-width: 0px; width: 267px; height: 189px;" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Ever since The Sarge left it behind, pitchers have been using #34 as a hand-me-down, the weirdness factor reaching its weirdness apex when #34 Floyd was traded for Garcia, who took #34 before Lee -- who'd worn #31 w/ the Tribe when he was winning the '08 Cy Young -- arrived and discovered that Rodrigo Lopez (who'd been with the Phils for approx. one month) was wearing #31.<br /></div></div></div></div><img style="width: 282px; height: 201px;" alt="http://assets.nydailynews.com/img/2009/08/25/alg_cliff_lee.jpg" src="http://assets.nydailynews.com/img/2009/08/25/alg_cliff_lee.jpg" /><br /><br />Then, #34 Lee was traded and, since #34 was available (<span style="font-style: italic;">"hey! imagine that!"</span>), Halladay took it.<br /><br />Sure, we understand ... the number that Halladay wore for all those years in Tronno (32) is off limits in Fluffya, thanks to Lefty ... and #33 is off limits because it is jinxed by the Ghost of Wayne Twitchell and the Curse of Chad Ogea ... and Robin Roberts'll be #36 forever and ever and ever, but, seriously, fellas ... FOR THOSE OF US who care not to delve too deeply into contract negotiations and the numbers therein, uniform numbers are which concern us most.<br /><br />And, quite frankly, some of the particulars of this Philly-Seattle-Toronto merry-go-round are confusing.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">This much is clear:</span> From what we can tell, this was not, by definition, a 3-way trade involving our beloved two-time defending National League champion Philadelphia Phillies. It's <u>2 unrelated trades</u> ... acquiring Halladay in one deal; swapping Cliff Lee in another. There's nuthin' 3-way about it 'cuz we haven't seen a Seattle-Toronto connection.<br /><br />Say it loud, say it proud: <span style="font-style: italic;">"There is no Seattle-Toronto connector!"<br /><br /></span>Are we wrong -- or should we allow Ruben Amaro and his biology degree from Stanford to explain it?<br /><u style="font-style: italic;"><strong><br /></strong></u><span style="font-style: italic;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">What we know:</span> The Phillies reeled in Halladay <strong></strong>from the Jays in exchange for minor leaguers, P Kyle Drabek, OF Michael Taylor and C Travid D'Arnaud -- and Lee <strong></strong>was dealt to the M's for P Phillippe Aumont, P Juan Ramirez and OF Tyson Gillies.<br /><br />See? No Toronto-Seattle connector!<br /><br />Example: When BETHany (almost her real name) stops by "to be satisfactorily pleasured" on a Tues. nite and then goes home sometime 'round 3 a.m. ... and then when, at 7 a.m., Sherilyn (nearly her real identity) stops by on her way to work for some "servicing" before her Weds. workday begins, the events of that 9-hr. window DO NOT constitute a 3-way.<br /><br />A menage-a-3-way would require a BETHany-Sherilyn connector.<br /><br />Without it, it's merely two separate acts of fornicayyy-<span style="font-style: italic;">HOLY CRAP!</span> That's right: Lee's out, Halladay's in, okay, umm ...<br /><br />For the record: <em>"Phillippe The Phillie"</em> and <em>"Gillies of the Phillies"</em> are fascinating nicknames, although not as great as the days when Dave Philley was a Phillie (what are the odds?).<br /><br />It doesn't hurt to ask, though: <span style="font-style: italic;">Why can't the Phils have their cake and Cliff Lee, too?</span> (i.e., BETHany every Tues. nite/Sherilyn every Weds. a.m.)<br /><br /><em><strong>The story we've already heard </strong></em>is that Biology Major GM couldn't swing a deal for Halladay last July (before the trade deadline) because nobody could decide which Phillie prospects would be turned into human sacrifices ... to die in Canada playin' before a half-filled Rogers Centre (what the natives once called "SkyDome").<br /><br />So, rather than lose prized minor leaguers Drabek and Taylor, the Phils spent the Db4D ("day before deadline") packaging Carlos Carrasco, Jason David, Jason Knapp and Lou Marson in exchange for Lee and Ben Francisco.<br /><br />At the time, it appeared to be a trade which benefitted both ballclubs -- however, "at the time," some of us fancied a greater opportunity (i.e., landing Cliff Lee <strong><u>AND</u> </strong>-- boldfaced and underlined -- Roy Halladay) ... an opportunity which was squandered simply because BMGM (Biology Major General Manager) failed to think outside the box.<br /><br />It was there for the taking, but we can be 97.48% certain that BMGM never uttered the words to the Toronto GM, <em>"Well, Mr. Ricciardi ... howzabout Hamels for Halladay, straight up? And, because you have an honest face, I'll even throw in catcher Tuffy Gosewisch."<br /><br /></em>The ink on that deal woulda been drying 15 minutes after it was first proposed ... but, re-positioning toy soldiers on a miniature battlefield is more prolific in some people's minds ... and puffing out one's chest and bellowing, <em>"You will not have Kyle Drabek!"</em> makes some guys sound tougher.<br /><br /><strong><em>The story we're going to hear</em></strong> is how Halladay and Lee together would not have been a viable option because both will need re-signing following the '10 season, blah blah blah, ya can't afford 'em both, blah blah blah ...<br /><br />Okay ... so, deal with it <em>AFTER THE SEASON.</em><br /><br />After the second parade down Broad Street within a 3-yr. span ...<br /><br />While some of us Phillie Phans detest discussions pertaining to the specifics of $$$ and $$$, we're common-sense-friendly enough to realize that renegotiating Hamels contract after his next five seasons of 13-11, 12-10, 11-11, 12-11, 11-13 is a real yawner.<br /><br />And, we wish he was Toronto's problem for the next half-decade.<br /><br /><u>Newsflash</u>: Cole Hamels probably doesn't have much left in the tank, so let's not pretend that he's going to pile up several seasons of 17-8 or 18-9.<br /><br />The '08 postseason ended, like, umm, more than a year ago.<br /><br /><strong><em>The scenario we're not gonna see </em></strong>at the end of the '10 season is $$$ which was previously tied up in Hamels, Martinez and Moyer (and you, too, Brett Myers -- 'cuz all four of ya would be "outta here!" as Harry liked to say) is now available to re-sign Halladay and Lee.<br /><br />For a few moments today, Phillie Phan envisioned an Opening Day rotation of 1) Halladay 2) Lee 3) Blanton 4) Happ and [wait ... is there a No. 5 guy available? Are Moyer and Martinez part of the 2K10 Paradigm? >> Is Hamels the new closer? "Think about it" ... ]<br /><br />It'll probably now end up as Halladay-Hamels-Martinez-Blanton-Moyer (unless Halladay gets injured during spring training and -- [<span style="font-style: italic;">trumpets blaring</span>] -- B<span style="font-family:verdana;"><em></em></span>rett Myers is asked to start on Opening Day for the FOURTH year in a row.<br /><br />It's too confusing to sort out the pitching staff at this point.<br /><br />So, the next best thing is to keep our fingers crossed.<br /><br />Seriously, "The Previous #34 Required During An Off-Season" (Garcia) seemed like a steal, given his credentials w/ the M's and w/ the Chisox. That guy was a consistent 14-17-game winner w/ acceptable ERA >> good gravy, that guy was The Second Coming of Joe Cowley, I shit you not, Mister ...<br /><br />1-5 / 5.90 as a Phillie.<br /><br />Well, this time, it'll be different because Halladay is a horse whose actually first name is "Harry."<br /><br />In the annals of trades 'tween Fluffya and Tronno, there's no way it can ever match the train wreck from yesteryear: "Rob Ducey for Rob Ducey."<br /><br />You remember: The final/fateful days of the Francona Era (2000) ... Ducey, batting .189 at the time, was shipped to Tronno for a player to be named later.<br /><br />Five days later, the J's sent P John Sneed to complete the deal.<br /><br />Five days after that, the Phils traded fan-fave Mickey Morandini -- in his second stint with the Phils after spending 2 yrs. with the Cubs (as part of the Doug Glanville trade) -- to the J's for a player to be named later.<br /><br />Two days later, the J's named that player -- and it was Rob Ducey (2 for 15 -- .154 -- during his 5 gms. in Tor.) who was sent back to the Phils to complete the Morandini deal.<br /><br />[Presto!]<br /><br />Rob Ducey was successfully traded for Rob Ducey.<br /><br />What else didja expect from the Francona Era?<br /><br />This time, it'll be different.<br /><br />#34 is here to stay.<br /><br />Unless there's another #34 out there who wants to come to Fluffya to wear #34 ...<br /><br /><span style="font-size:180%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">+ + +</span></span><br /><br /><br /></div>Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-54423927916121093192009-12-11T22:23:00.011-11:002010-01-17T22:13:33.504-11:00S.I. Calls It "THE SADNESS"<span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>... at least, that's what was splashed across the front cover of this week's issue of a popular-but-probably-not-very-influential periodical which we know as <em>SPORTS ILLUSTRATED.</em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>Above the cover-photo of 'Bama TE Colin Peek makin' the over-the-shoulder TD grab vs. Fla. is the magazine's name ... but ABOVE those words is the postage-stamp-sized photo of Eldrick positioned to the left of the banner headline: <span style="font-size:180%;color:#999999;">THE SADNESS</span>.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#ffcc33;"><strong><em>[Tiny print: " -- by Phil Taylor, pg. 48 ... ]</em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#ffcc33;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>Compounded with today's announcement that Eldrick will be taking a leave of absence from golf -- to, apparently, get his shit together -- what you have is grounds for black armbands and flags flown at half-staff.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>That means "NOW," America ...</strong></span><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;">Oh, and while you're at it, rent a bagpipe ensemble to fire up <em>"Amazing Grace,"</em> okay?</span></strong><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>Forget that shit ... some of us are choosing Option "C)" >>> <em><span style="color:#3333ff;">"take yer name off yer phone <span style="color:#ff0000;">(name off yer phone ... )</span> / my wife went through my phone and she may be calling you </span><span style="color:#ff0000;">(name off yer phone ... )</span></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>Why THE SADNESS, USSI (United States of S.I.)? We've had two weeks of hardcore hysteria and unmitigated <u>silliness</u> ... so why so gloomy, Gus?</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>If we don't take this Schadenfreude to the limit, then we're merely settin' ourselves up for Stage 2 in S.I.'s "process."</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>First ... the "sadness" ... </strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>Then ... <span style="font-size:180%;color:#000000;">THE SORROW!</span></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>As one might expect, one of the pallbearers at the Death of The PGA was Rick Reilly, who used his higher-visibility platform known as the Disneyland Sports Pinwheel ('cuz he left S.I., uh-member?) to inform America that "the tour" simply won't be the same w/o Woody ... as if this latest development is some sort of Bad Day At Black Rock paradigm.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong><em>"Where were you, America, the exact moment that Eldrick used a tiny golf pencil to stab this nation right thru the heart?"</em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>Notwithstanding the usual emptiness of Reilly's emptyheadness, it makes ya wonder: If the implication here is that one performer -- no matter his skill-level or the scope of his popularity -- has sunk the PGA Tour's relevance sans Tiger to a subterranean level of either billiards, motocross, Olympic biathlon and various equestrian events, well,</strong> <em><span style="color:#cc0000;"><strong>maybe the sport isn't much of frickin' sport to begin with, eh?</strong></span></em></span><span style="color:#cc0000;"><strong><br /></strong></span><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>Without Woody winning our hearts and taking our breath away with each swing of the club, sports such as bullriding and speed skating on Versus will outdraw the Greater (YourCity'sNameHere) Open or the Nabisco 14-Club Challenge.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>That is, unless Shooter McGavin can regain the form that made him a top money-winner on the tour way back when.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#ff0000;"><strong><em>"Damn you, people! This is golf!"</em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>Those were Shooter's immortal words. However, for THE all-time, ultimate, put-it-on-my-headstone golf moment, let's knock down a few pegs Ty Webb's <em><span style="color:#ff0000;">"Let's see ... Sonja Heine's out. How 'bout Danny Noonan?"</span></em> gem from the no-brainer of a golf-as-a-lifestyle mosaic and rewind to that All-Time No. 1 Golf Moment when Bill Foster (portrayed by Michael Douglas outfitted in military-surplus-store attire) was taking a shortcut through the L.A. country club and, thereby, interrupting those old geezers' game.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>As we recall, Bill used the shotgun from the cachet of weapons he was toting to blast the old codgers' golf cart, sending it rolling down the hill and causing one of the geezers to crumple to the ground, clutching his chest while in the throes of an apparent heart attack.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong><u>Geezer (gasping, whispering)</u>: <em><span style="color:#ff0000;">"Pills ... my pills ..."</span></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong><u>Bill</u>: <em><span style="color:#ff0000;">"Your pills? Where are your pills?"</span></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong><u>Geezer (still gasping, whispering)</u>: <em><span style="color:#ff0000;">"Cart ... "</span></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong><u>Bill</u>: <em><span style="color:#ff0000;">"Your pills are in the cart?"</span></em> (Looks off to the distance, watches the cart rolling into the pond, turns to geezer and smiles) <em><span style="color:#ff0000;">"Well, it looks like you're outta luck 'cuz your little cart is going to drown. Now, aren't ya sorry ya didn't let me pass through?"</span></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong><u>Geezer (still gasping, unable to speak)</u></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong><u>Bill</u>: <em><span style="color:#ff0000;">"And now you're going to die wearing that silly little hat. How does it feel?"</span></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>We never did learn if that old geezer died (likely so), but, either way, that scene from <em>"Falling Down"</em> is a <u>KILLER</u> every time.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>That ... and what took place at incident Whammy Burger.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#ff0000;"><strong><em>"Well, Rick, I, uhhh ... wait a minute. Why am I calling you by your first names as though we're in some AA meeting. I've worked for my boss for seven years, I still call him 'Mister' "</em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><strong><em>"You can call me, Miss Folsom ..."</em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>Sheila ... you, too, are KILLING me!</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>Oh, ri-ri-ri-right ... back to Tiger ... </strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>Some of us don't give a flying f**k about golf because eveybody knows that watching or playing golf is an excuse to NOT make America strong again via either slo-pitch softball, 3-on-3 hoops or tennis.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>That super-sized, lard-ass Son-of-Julius-Boros-Named-Guy-Boros might cheat death for a weekend by completing anywhere from 36 to 54 holes, but nobody wants to see him leg out a grounder up the middle or waddle to his left along the baseline as he reaches for that backhand.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>Seriously ... how many times did Our Second Baseman Mark waste my time by B.S.'ing w/ the other guys in the dugout about some Callaway clubs moments before he grounded into the 4-6-3 DP?</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>More specifically, how many times was it 4-6-3 w/ me on first base?</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>Golf is an "activity" (like archery or gardening) which is less about actual participation than it is about golf conversation (lookit this new windjacket! check out this new putter! wanna get a club sandwich and some brews afterwards? is Tiger playin' at Kapalua this weekend?).</strong></span><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;">PGA-wise, Reilly et al. seem to be implying that the sport, errr ... "activity" cannot simply dial up enough Stewart-Cink-Crushes-Tom-Watson's-Fairy-Tale-Weekend scenarios.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;">Or that Phil and Sergio and Furyk and Els et al. have enough charisma or staying power or whatever.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;">It's pretty much like what would happen to tennis if we took away Federer. It'd be an injured Nadal and a sporadic Roddick.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;">Kinda like women's tennis ... </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;">Or the LPGA ... </span></strong><br /><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>To some of us, THE SADNESS is that the media won't use Tiger's absence to broaden its coverage of the LPGA Tour and give a little more exposure (literally and figuratively) to the abundantly-talented pro golfers on that tour, not the least of which is Lorena Ochoa.</strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>And, therein lies THE SORROW.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"><strong>The retirement of Annika Sorenstam (Tiger's equal on her tour) remains unnoticed.</strong></span><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;">But, Natalie Gulbis sure has a rockin' bod, eh?</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;">What time does Danica Patrick tee off?</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:webdings;font-size:180%;color:#6600cc;"><em>b</em></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#6600cc;"></span></strong>Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21323444.post-25211640896049965742009-12-08T19:23:00.004-11:002009-12-27T04:41:05.828-11:00Jackie Moynahan's Unnamed 0.5-Bro<strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Remember: We use that term "The Bastard Jackie Moynahan" in a loving, respectful manner -- sorta like the way that we reference another classic icon: </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">"The Outlaw Josey Wales."</span></strong><br /><p><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Sure ... we know that there should be a comma betwixt "outlaw" and "Josey," but ... whatever ... </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">HOWEVER (!) ... n</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">ow that "The Supermodel Gisele Bundchen" has Pez'd an infant from her own vagina, she can stop borrowing The Bastard Jackie Moyhanan -- who came from Bridge's vagina 2 yrs. ago -- and Giz can stop calling <u>that</u> toddler (the Stepson Josey Wales) her own.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">As one might expect from the Power Couple of This Millennium, standard protocol has been violated (they make their own rules!) and, hence, <em>the baby has no first name!!!</em></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Under normal circumstances, anxiety would grip an anxious nation while Baby No-Name remained nameless. Only thing is, we're cuurently in the throes of Eldrickpalooza -- and another chick might fall from the sky any minute now.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Again ... "under normal circumstances," when a baby is born w/o a name, a Senate sub-committee is assigned to "designate" a name. Now, when we don't know how much longer it is until halftime at Eldrickpalooza, we're left to ponder the possibilities.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">And, since all of the cool names ("Barack Hussein" ... "Vin Diesel" ... "Stetson" ... "Astra Zeneca") have been claimed already, one wonders if Giz will be persuaded by hubby to name the child after the person for whom his high school was named (Father Junipero Serra) or the person for whom the QB played his college ball ("Lloyd").</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Is The Bastard Jackie Moynahan's half-brother an "Otis"?</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Is he an "Elmer"?</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Or a "Kareem Abdul"?</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Kinda reminds ya of when Jordan was going to name hers-and-Perry's newborn "Quinn" after her father, but then she considered how much the toddler didn't look <u>THAT</u> much like her dad.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"><u>Perry</u>: <em>"Maybe it's because he's not drunk and yelling at your mother."</em></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">If this all seems a little confusing and convoluted now, just wait 'til 10 yrs. from now when The Bastard, Jackie Moyhahan is sittin' in his junior high classroom and he's wearing his blue-n'-gold <span style="font-size:180%;">TEBOW #15 <span style="color:#000099;">St. Louis</span> <span style="color:#999900;">Rams</span></span> jersey (unless he's wearing his <span style="font-size:180%;">CLAUSSEN #7 <span style="color:#cc0000;"><span style="color:#999999;">Tampa</span> </span><span style="color:#cc0000;">Bay</span> <span style="color:#ff9900;">Buccaneers</span></span> jersey that day) ... and he's texting his half-brother inx_x^<em>HEY! WTF?</em> How can The Bastard Jackie Moynahan text his half-brother when the boy has no name?</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">That's easy ... nobody uses names anymore.</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Ya text to a number ... </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#009900;"><em>"Y'see I been thru the desert on a horse with no e-mail address ..."</em></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Hey, as stated previously: If it seems messy now (or 10 yrs. from now when jerseys clash), just wait another 20 yrs. ... when Jackie's mom, Bridge, is in her late 50s (and still lookin' damn good) -- and she decides to get back at her ex-lover by dating her ex-lover's son ... maybe his name'll be [Grady] Brady ... and he'll be QB'in' in junior college somewhere.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">If wedding bells should ring, half-brothers would become brothers-in-law and, technically and legally, Jackie Moynahan would also become Baby X's stepson (that's "stepson" ... not Stetson ...).</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">More important, Gisele's husband's ex-lover would become Gisele's daughter-in-law ... and, legally and technically, The Bastard Jackie Moynahan would become Gisele's grandchild since Jackie would be the stepson of Gisele's son. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color:#009900;">Frickin'-A!</span> -- the equation is tooooo delicious not to consider.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">But, you knew it was gonna work out terrifically for Tom Terrific ... because you watched him in that SNL black-n'-white filmstrip in which he demonstrated the law of the jungle when it comes to chicks.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">1) Be handsome ... </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">2) Be attractive ... </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">3) Don't be unattractive ... </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:webdings;font-size:180%;"><em>b</em></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /></p><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong>Pitchfork7http://www.blogger.com/profile/15557108782575886478noreply@blogger.com0