Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Jackie Moynahan's Unnamed 0.5-Bro

Remember: We use that term "The Bastard Jackie Moynahan" in a loving, respectful manner -- sorta like the way that we reference another classic icon:

"The Outlaw Josey Wales."

Sure ... we know that there should be a comma betwixt "outlaw" and "Josey," but ... whatever ...

HOWEVER (!) ... now that "The Supermodel Gisele Bundchen" has Pez'd an infant from her own vagina, she can stop borrowing The Bastard Jackie Moyhanan -- who came from Bridge's vagina 2 yrs. ago -- and Giz can stop calling that toddler (the Stepson Josey Wales) her own.

As one might expect from the Power Couple of This Millennium, standard protocol has been violated (they make their own rules!) and, hence, the baby has no first name!!!

Under normal circumstances, anxiety would grip an anxious nation while Baby No-Name remained nameless. Only thing is, we're cuurently in the throes of Eldrickpalooza -- and another chick might fall from the sky any minute now.

Again ... "under normal circumstances," when a baby is born w/o a name, a Senate sub-committee is assigned to "designate" a name. Now, when we don't know how much longer it is until halftime at Eldrickpalooza, we're left to ponder the possibilities.

And, since all of the cool names ("Barack Hussein" ... "Vin Diesel" ... "Stetson" ... "Astra Zeneca") have been claimed already, one wonders if Giz will be persuaded by hubby to name the child after the person for whom his high school was named (Father Junipero Serra) or the person for whom the QB played his college ball ("Lloyd").

Is The Bastard Jackie Moynahan's half-brother an "Otis"?
Is he an "Elmer"?
Or a "Kareem Abdul"?

Kinda reminds ya of when Jordan was going to name hers-and-Perry's newborn "Quinn" after her father, but then she considered how much the toddler didn't look THAT much like her dad.
Perry: "Maybe it's because he's not drunk and yelling at your mother."

If this all seems a little confusing and convoluted now, just wait 'til 10 yrs. from now when The Bastard, Jackie Moyhahan is sittin' in his junior high classroom and he's wearing his blue-n'-gold TEBOW #15 St. Louis Rams jersey (unless he's wearing his CLAUSSEN #7 Tampa Bay Buccaneers jersey that day) ... and he's texting his half-brother inx_x^HEY! WTF? How can The Bastard Jackie Moynahan text his half-brother when the boy has no name?

That's easy ... nobody uses names anymore.

Ya text to a number ...

"Y'see I been thru the desert on a horse with no e-mail address ..."

Hey, as stated previously: If it seems messy now (or 10 yrs. from now when jerseys clash), just wait another 20 yrs. ... when Jackie's mom, Bridge, is in her late 50s (and still lookin' damn good) -- and she decides to get back at her ex-lover by dating her ex-lover's son ... maybe his name'll be [Grady] Brady ... and he'll be QB'in' in junior college somewhere.

If wedding bells should ring, half-brothers would become brothers-in-law and, technically and legally, Jackie Moynahan would also become Baby X's stepson (that's "stepson" ... not Stetson ...).

More important, Gisele's husband's ex-lover would become Gisele's daughter-in-law ... and, legally and technically, The Bastard Jackie Moynahan would become Gisele's grandchild since Jackie would be the stepson of Gisele's son.

Frickin'-A! -- the equation is tooooo delicious not to consider.

But, you knew it was gonna work out terrifically for Tom Terrific ... because you watched him in that SNL black-n'-white filmstrip in which he demonstrated the law of the jungle when it comes to chicks.

1) Be handsome ...
2) Be attractive ...
3) Don't be unattractive ...


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