Wednesday, December 02, 2009

"Huge. Quickly. Bye ..."

The final three words -- ["Huge. Quickly. Bye ..."] -- of Eldrick's VM msg. for Jaimee ... that's exactly how a lot of us proud Americans intend to end every phone call of ours from now until the end of our lives.

'Cuz Eldrick -- who never had anything (of value) to say before -- has finally given us words to live by.


While the beginning of Eldrick's classic request has been set delicately to music -- "Could you pleeeez take your name off your phone ..." -- some of us STILL cannot get enough of the end of the msg.

"Huge. Quickly. Bye ..."

Indeed, the shit hit the fan less than a week ago -- and the jokes continue to write themselves.

Must've been what that profound visionary, Papa Earl, was talkin' 'bout when he proclaimed that his son was going to change the world or alter the course of history or raise the roof or impact humankind or become the greatest icon in the Hall of Icons, blah blah blah ...
... because Daddy maybe didn't see beyond the fact that all Sonny really does is whack a golf ball and pimp Gillette razors.

"Huge ... quickly ... bye ... "

President Oprah got his bad self all caught up in the Earl Woods hype machinery when he selected Eldrick to give a speech outside of the Lincoln Memorial during the President Oprah Hoopla at the outset of 2009.

Most Americans knew it was a bad choice at the time ... because we were hoping that the half-black prez would see past a half-black golfer and give us someone we could believe in, a la Delroy Lindo or Ving Rhames (who some of us believe are the same dude) or Morgan Freeman or Shaka Zulu or, if one were to think outside the box, maybe a powerful black woman, such as Queen Latifah (she's a queen, goddammit) or Serena or, what the heck, Oprah herself (it's STILL a crack-up when The Soup airs that clip of Oap swingin' in the harness and she blurts, "My va-jay-jay be painin' " ... which really is THE best msg. for Americans and Kenyamericans, when ya get right down to it).

If President SportsFan was lookin' for a sports star, didn't it make more sense to go with Barry Bonds (America's all-time home run king) or O.J. Simpson (Heisman Trophy winner, first NFL running back to rush for 2,000+ yds. in a season)?

Why did Prez Sports sell out two black kids who grew up in San Francisco and the greater peninsula thereof?

Anyway, while "Huge. Quickly. Bye." can never replace "Gotta bounce. Peace, out ... " it'll serve as a new wrinkle for this year's X-mas greeting cards.

"All the best to you and yours, in happiness and in health, during this holiday season and beyond ... Huge. Quickly. Bye ... "

Finally, "Huge. Quickly. Bye." offers hope and provides something positive for those of us who regularly scoff at golf whilst we adhere to the writings of Travis Bickle, the taxi driver who told presidential candidate Palantine that somebody oughta flush this city down the fucking toilet.

Our friends and relatives were gettin' tired of receiving greeting cards which ended with: "True force ... and all the king's men cannot put it back together ... "


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