Friday, November 11, 2011

B/Ball Fiesta Aboard The USS Karl Vincent

No matter how many of Jerry Sandusky's alleged indiscretions that they try to shove down our throats today (which isn't a pretty thought when taken in a literal context), we, the citizens of what's left of Proud America, can still get in the faces of our enemies around the world (either Hamas or Hezbollah ... or the Shiites or the Sunnis, I don't remember which) with spirited chants of "U-S-A! U-S-A!" as we watch a college basketball game played on the deck of an aircraft carrier which is parked in San Diego Harbor.

Like so many Americans, I don't know who the hell Karl Vincent is, but, like so many other Americans, I'm happy as heck that the Afghaneeze, the Pakeeze and the Irockeeze will sleep soundly tonight under the blanket of a stars-n'-stripes "presence" ... with dreams of sugar plums dancing inside the heads of those protected Afghaneeze, Pakeeze and Irockeeze.

That is ... until tomorrow when that marketplace bomb detonates at 1 p.m., local time, and a mother weeps because the heads of her son and daughter which, only hours earlier, were filled w/ dreams of dancing sugar plums were blown clean off their bodies by the blast.

And, she might also be weeping because she didn't watch SportsCenter to find out how many pts./rebs Harrison Barnes finished with.

C'mon, Irockee Mom ... use your iPhone app and git that score!
Find out if Tyler Zeller had a double-double (before he went to the nearest In-N-Out and ordered a Double Double which he cannot get back home in Carolina ...).

B/BALL on a BATTLESHIP (or on an aircraft carrier, whatever ...) ... what a star-spangled thrill (!!!) -- notwithstanding the fact that the only thing missing was the ref tossing the ball in the air for the opening tipoff at exactly 11.11 seconds past 11:11 a.m. local time so that we'd've had a UNC/MSU bloodbath tipping off at 11:11.11 on 11/11/11.

That would've been sooooo symbolic ...

Alas, that was so many yesteryears ago when Al McGuire would characterize an undersized point guard as "a PT boat" takin' it down the lane on the dribble drive, goin' up against those big aircraft carriers in the paint -- but, our Sporting World and our World Wars (we're up to WW5 right now, I believe) have changed so much since Al McGuire died at the outset of the new milennium.

Less than 10 yrs. earlier (at the outset of the '90s), Dean Smith ushered peace into a war zone known as the Persian Gulf when he canceled his Tar Heels game ...

Everybody remembers how the USS Karl Vincent returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown during the showdown known as DESERT STORM, but nobody seems to remember who won Desert Storm (answer: We're all winners, "yuu-ess-ayy! yuu-ess-ayy!") ...

NEWSFLASH: Somebody somewhere just said that the name on the ship is "Carl Vinson," not Karl Vincent, the ficticious name which I've been applying.

According to the Googlepedia search which was recently executed, Carl Vinson deserves his name on the side of an aircraft carrier about as much as Tony La Russa does.

If the data is correct in that completely-one-sided, pro-Vinson bio on Googlepedia, it seems as though we should be calling that warship the USS Augustus Bacon.

Think about it: If Augustus Bacon hadn't died, well ...

That's why it doesn't make a whole lotta sense to name warships in honour of those who've never tasted war. I mean, that's like naming a library or an all-girls high school "the USS Clarence Birdseye" or "the USS Julius Erving."

In other words, a politician who spent somewhere between 42 to 115 yrs. sittin' in the Georgia State legislature wunderin' which bribes to accept/decline and/or which special interests/personal agendas to pursue/ignore is the guy who gets a ship named after him.

If it wasn't for soldiers such as 19-year-old Kevin Rohring, for example, dying unceremoniously in a Vietnamese jungle (or in a Vietnamese rice field), Carl Vinson would've been speaking Vietnamese while he was taking $$$ from lobbyists in the morning before tossing out the ceremonial first pitch before a Braves game in the afternoon

Chants of "Yuu-ess-ayy! Yuu-ess-ayy!" would yield to "Ho! Chi! Minh! ... Ho! Chi! Minh!"

Naming battleships after people only makes sense if ya do it on the behalf of the upper-tier Americans, like, say, ohhhh ... Geronimo, considering how it was Opertation: Geronimo (executed by Seal Team 6! Seal Team 6!) which allowed Obama to defeat Osama and put an end to al-Qaeda and the Taliban forever and ever -- and it would've been so much more meaningful to some of us proud Americans if this aircraft carrier which eventually dumped bin-Laden's body into the ocean had been called the USS Crazy Horse (so named for the iconoclastic Native American who never sat on his ass inside a federal office building).

Bottom line: WE could compare their top times in the 40-yard dash and how much weight they can bench-press or clean n' jerk, but Geronimo and Crazy Horse probably did more for America than did Carl Vinson, the possible bribe-takin', special-interest monger.

At least, we honoured their memory with warships named on behalf of U.S. states with Native American names, such as the USS Missouri (God bless you, Steven Segal in "Under Siege"!).

For future American soldiers, however, we still need to consider more strongly aircraft carriers w/ names of "concepts" (i.e. the USS Enterprise or the USS Intrepid) ... or warships w/ names of words which are fun to say (i.e. the USS Caliente ... or the USS Triceratops ... or the USS Fibromyalgia) rather than names of politicos or celebs.

Speaking of which: Did my eyes deceive me or was that a Proud American named Pamela Anderson (she and "proud American" have the same initials, BTW) who was mingling w/ the glitterati and G.I.s at tonight's historic event?

That makes perfect sense! P.A. The P.A. "gets it." Sure ... her dumb blonde act is just that -- "an act." She's pro-Team USA! ... inspiring us to fight the good fight in lands far and wide so that a crusader from Kazakhstan who is interested (or obssessed) with establishing cultural learnings of America for make benefit glorious nation which is "Number 1 ... exporter of potassium ... " so that he can make love explosion on Pamela Anderson's stomach.

Make love explosion on her tummy ... if that sounds capricious and arbitrarily unappealing, maybe America should consider the alternative:

Making love explosion in "the hull" of the USS Carmen Electra.

Oh, look, Mommy! Pres. SportsFan was at the ballgame tonight ... and he was sittin' courtside w/ Mrs. Pres. SportsFan, the sister of the guy who'll lead his Oregon State Beavers b/ballers into a new frontier in '11/'12.

And, that "frontier" is this: The opportunity to be as much of a non-factor in The New Pac-12 North as the Beavers were in the Pac-10 Regular.

Oughta be fun ...

'Cuz that's what war n' sports oughta be -- a consolidation of "funner" and "funnest" -- especially now, 3 days after Call of Duty: Modern Warfare has hit the streets ... and 2 days after the USS Paterno was torpedoed by the USS Sandusky.

So, some of us proud Americans will honour the memory of a man that was maybe less than we'd hoped for (Carl Vinson) and call the big boat named in his honour "the USS Karl Vincent" ... the name of a non-existent man who we hoped Carl Vinson could become.

Still, there'll be those days when I'll let down my guard and allow the following to unfold (in red, white & blue):

"Y'wanna know the only way this football game/hockey game/chess match/soccer tilt could be any better? If they were playing it on the deck of the USS Carl Vinson ... and we were watching it at Buffalo Wild Wings."

only way this BLT and icy mug of root beer would taste better would be if I was enjoying it on the deck of the USS Carl Vinson ... "

"This board meeting sucks. Instead of using the conference room, can we schedule the next meeting for the deck of the USS Carl Vinson?"

"Remember three weeks ago when everybody with a rifle and/or a shotgun in/near Zanesville, Ohio was allowed to take target practice on the 46-50 exotic animals which had escaped from that redneck's compound? Wouldn't it have been more cool if we'd sent in the USS Carl Vinson to rescue those 18 Bengal tigers before the USS Carl Vinson evaporated Zanesville, Ohio from the planet?"

"The Twin Towers would be standing tall and filled with activity today if only the USS Carl Vinson had been parked in New York Harbor to assist Lady Liberty in warding off Atta and evil-doers ..."

"The sexual intercourse which we just shared was plenty righteous and gratifying, but wouldn't it have been more-patriotic if, just once, you'd let me bang you on the deck of the USS Carl Vinson?"

God bless you, Karl Vincent.
Whoever the fuck you are (because of the freedom which was wrought in oceans near and far by Aircraft Carrier X, I'm allowed to say "fuck" in a weblog).

Before I make love explosion on the stars n' stripes ...

= = = = = = = =

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