Thursday, December 15, 2011

Timpossible? ... or Tebowgus?

Uh oh, Spaghetti-O's ... the Dec. 19 edition of S.I. has arrived on this Dec. 15 -- and the coverboy is (drumroll please for The S.I. Cover Jinx) the name of the Denver Broncos QB in big, block letters [exclamation point!] ...
No, the Bronco QB which Dec. 19's S.I. cover has dubbed as Amazing, Incredible, Phenomenal, Incomprehensible, Mind-Blowing, Unbelievable ... is none other than (wait a second ... if we're gonna use those terms, it's GOTTA be jazzed up w/ more exclamation points, i.e.:
Amazing!!! - Incredible!!! - Award-Winning Smile!!! - Phenomenal!!! - John 3:16!!! - Incomprehensible!!! - ORGASMIC!!! - Mind-Blowing!!! - Finger-Lickin' Good!!! - Unfuckingbelievable!!! ... all of this we must do in the name of (and adhering completely in direct compliance to) the T.E.P.E. -- the Total Exclamation Point Experience, not unlike that time at Pendant Publishing when Mr. Lippman called Elaine into his office to discuss the final edit of the Jake Jarmel book and to share his gripe with the so-called inordinate number of exclamation points, i.e. "It was a damp and chilly afternoon, so I decided to put on MY SWEATSHIRT!" ***Obviously, Lippman simply didn't subscribe to a T.E.P.E., although Elaine could have side-stepped the T.E.P.E. matter entirely by using BOLD, ALL-CAPS W/ LARGER PT. SIZE ..and now I can't remember how many parentheses and brackets I've used and ... ]

OKAY!!! ... Back to the topic of S.I. cover art, this Dec. 19 issue has a cover which folds out (making it a -- sorry, Lippman -- TWO-PAGE COVER!!!) -- and, on this fold-out pg., we have what they call "a drop-quote" ... a remark from Champ Bailey, of all people, who remarks: "I don't know what to compare it to. I've never seen anything like it."

Does he mean he's never seen anything like the fold-out -- or the necktie in my closet w/ a monogrammed W.J.T.O.T.T.T.M.H? on it (which I may or may not wear to church if I ever decide to attend Sunday services again and wear something other than MY SWEATSHIRT!!!)???

In case it's unclear: W.W.J.T.O.T.T.T.M.H? = an acronym for "What Would Jesus Think Of This Tim Tebow Mega-Hype?"

Whereas I can't speak for Jesus, I can speculate w/ some reliability that He believes that the S.I. cover editors/artists need to cut down a little on the meth smoked before doin' the S.I. cover editing/artistry.

As per that comment from one Roland Bailey, well ... that's fairly typical.

Typical, that is, if y'never watched the NFL, pre-2005.

For those of us who did -- and for anybody who isn't a total frickin' gambling degenerate/douchebag or fantasy-league knob (and for those of us who are enjoying a 40th season as one of the bureau chiefs for the Steelers) -- we can easily access the NFL Rewind Button in our brains and recollect the "it" factor of which Roland Bailey speaks.

In this case, The "IT" Factor hit home for a lot of Americans two years ago when we saw Timmy's teardrops soaking his Florida Gators jersey as he stood on the sideline during the waning moments of the loss to Alabama in the SEC title game.
That Kodak moment caused some of us (well, "me," anyway) to quip: "Lookee there! It's the Tears Of An NFL H-Back."

So, in the context of "we haven't seen this before," okay ... maybe not, once we consider the collections of traits which Tim possesses, those being: 1) Moderate talent ... 2) His incredible love for God ... 3) Huge handsomeness ... 4) Lotsa smiles and an "aw, shucks" disposition (when he's not good-naturedly firing up his teammates with his amazing, incredible, phenomenal, incomprehensible, mind-blowing INTENSITY and WILL TO WIN [exclamation point!].

Other than that, we HAVE seen left QBs who can scramble (Steve Young, Mike Vick, even Snake Stabler) ...

We HAVE seen religious QBs (Kurt Warner, Roger Staubach) ...

We HAVE seen handsome QBs who are competitive (too many to list here ... "that's you, Bert Jones and/or Steve Bartkowski") ...

What we HAVEN'T seen is a QB who, every time he winds up to throw, appears as though he's throwing a halfback-option pass w/ the same body mechanics which you or I might use while attempting to wing a sofa cushion from the front porch to the mailbox.

What we HAVEN'T seen is Timmy Teebs making very many QB-looking plays from what the Disneyland Football Channel calls "the quarterback position."

In reference to that 7-1 record (or whatever it was) when subpar opponents were melting down, maybe Roland Bailey should watch some highlights of the '04 season when a Rookie Named Roethlisberger was goin' 14-0 while actually QBing the way a QB does (while playing what the EspyNetwork calls "the quarterback position") and making Roethlisbelievers outta many of us.

FYI: A 14-0 record trumps a 7-1 record.

Roland Bailey? A lot of us will remember him as the guy who got toasted in his home stadium in the Jan. '06 AFC Championship game when BennyRoth gave that mini-shoulder-fake and then fired the ball to the corner of the end zone to an open Cedrick Wilson ... open because Roland had bitten on the inside fake, oopsie daisy ...

From a SteelerFan standpoint (which trumps Roland's cloudy recollections), we remember that Tebow never served two tours in 'Nam and then won four Super Bowl rings (as Rocky Bleier did) ...

And, we remember that Tebow never threw a Hail Mary pass which traveled 71 yds. on the fly (from his own 28-yd. line to the opposing 1-yd. line) to beat Michigan in The Big House (as Kordell Stewart did) ...

We remember that Timmy Teebs never left football for a few years to sell real estate only to return to the sport, become the MVP of the XFL's lone season and then win the NFL's Comeback Player of the Year award (as Tommy Maddox did) ...

We remember that during Teebs' "hot streak" (hot streak = 3 qtrs. of sub-standard performance), he never beat the 6-0 Patriots (snapping a 21-game win streak) and the 7-0 Eagles in back-to-back weeks in addition to providing more than one highlight for the highlights package (as Roethlisberger did) ....

From what we know about the forgetful Roland Bailey, it's a mighty safe bet that he doesn't remember his freshman season at Georgia in 1995 when his sophomore teammate -- a flanker/running back named Hines Ward -- was the QB in the Peach Bowl, completing 31 of 59 for 413 yds. and bringing the Bulldogs back from a 24-6 deficit vs. Viginia to a 27-27 tie in the 34-27 defeat.

And maybe Roland simply can't remember the Outback Bowl two years later when Hines Ward had 12 catches for 154 yards in the victory over Wisconsin and Ron Dayne.

[Come to think of it, Roland probably doesn't remember how loaded '95 Ugga was -- what with future N.E. Patriots Robert Edwards, Patrick Pass, Jermaine Wiggins and Richard Seymour and a guy in Roland's own Junkyard Dawg secondary named Kirby Smart, who is currently the D-coordinator for Saban at 'Bama.]

Now, before anyone goes off half-cocked calling Roland a fucking moron, let's not rule out that with Teebs, nothing is impossible.

It's "Tim-possible" ...

Just like how Big Ben made Roethlisbelievers out of us all.

While it appears as though Teebs will need A LOT!!!!! (exclamation points x 5) of sessions at The Steve Clarkson Quarterback Position Academy & Taco Stand, it does seem somewhat likely that the completely-likable kid named Tim-possible can one day lift his game to the point where he'll defeat the Viet Cong, throw the 71-yard Hail Mary, sell some insurance and win his first 15 NFL starts ALL IN THE SAME WEEKEND.

If anything, though, some of us would like to see/hear the kid quoting more scripture from Ecclesiates and less from Leviticus.

Everybody knows that the meat of the Bible is Ecclesiates ...

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