(Typing with tears in your eyes? Yeah ... if you're a douchebag, maybe ... )
WHICH WAS WORSE -- A) BLACK FRIDAY '77? ... B) 15-14 JAYS '93? ... C) TONIGHT?
Good one ... particularly for the Phillie Phan who was either 15 years old when it was 5-3 with one out to go, Lefty scheduled to start the next night to wrap up the series and then, suddenly, Davalillo's layin' down that bunt and Luzinski is drifting back, back, back on Mota's flyball and, then, oh shit, the throw is skipping away from Sizemore and then Froemming is calling Lopes safe ...
Or when Phillie Phan is 31 years old and feelin' good about holdin' down the 14-9 lead to even up the Series at 2-apiece with Schilling on the hill the next night ...
Or when Phillie Phan is 47 years old and Feliz's homer in the bottom of the 8th offers renewed hope with Lee on the hill the next night and, suddenly, Damon's stealing second and, suddenly, nobody's covering third, oh shit again, nobody's covering third ...
THAT DIDN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION.
Well, tonight doesn't compare to Black Friday because in '77, the Phils hadn't won a World Series in their 94 yrs. of existence. And, 15-14 in '93 ... that was a total abomination.
Tonight? If the top of the 9th HAD ended with the score tied, 4-4, at this very moment, we'd be heading to the top of the 13th.
AND, NATURALLY, THE BOTTOM OF THE 12TH WOULD'VE ENDED WITH CLAY CONDREY, PINCH-RUNNING FOR PAUL BAKO, GETTIN' THROWN OUT AT THE PLATE ATTEMPTING TO SCORE FROM SECOND ON PINCH-HITTER COLE HAMELS' SINGLE TO LEFT. (laugh track)
Told ya they shoulda pinch-ran for Bako with Antonio Bastardo. (laugh track)
ATTENDING GAME 4 LAST YEAR, AS SOME OF US DID (WITH TICKETS WHICH COST $0.00), WAS A LOT MORE FUN THAN WATCHING ON TV WHAT UNFOLDED TONIGHT.
True dat ... especially when somebody (that's me ... raising my hand) informed that drunk dude that it was I.M. Hipp. not J.A. Happ, warming up in the Phillies bullpen.
WHAT POSSIBLE SILVER LINING IS THERE FOR TONIGHT -- OR IS SILVER THE COLOR OF THE SHINY CUTLERY PROTRUDING FROM THE ABDOMEN IN A "STICK-A-FORK-IN-'EM" PARADIGM?
Gotta go win the next 3 ... and the first step in that process is defeating the often-mediocre-when-he-isn't-babying-an-injury A.J. Burnett.
OPTIMISTICALLY, WE'RE LOOKIN' AT COLE HAMELS STARTIN' GAME 7 AT YANKEE STADIUM, AREN'T WE? (laugh track) THAT'S EXCITING STUFF. IT'S WHAT EVERY KID DREAMS OF.
Unless Mgr. Yokel opts for surprise starter Brett Myers for Game 6 and saves Pedro for Game 7 ... or activating secret-weapon starter Rodrigo Lopez (with Happ and Bastardo ready at the first sign of danger) ... which would shatter Cole Hamels' dream. That is, if Cole Hamels actually has dreams which extend beyond his role in the next commercial for Comcast. (laugh track)
As per the dreams of young boys from the Empire State, it centers around one day starting in the midfield or as an attacker for Syracuse LAX -- mostly because The New Yankee Stadium is big-time kid-unfriendly with its $500 nosebleed seats.
KIDS WHO ARE PROHIBITED FROM ATTENDING MLB GAMES -- DOESN'T THAT GO AGAINST THE MLB'S "BEYOND BASEBALL" CAMPAIGN?
Not in or around the NYC area. Kids still have many options -- such as attending the local venues (be it MSG or the stadium which was built atop Jimmy Hoffa's gravesite) to watch the Mets suck, the Jets suck, the Giants suck, the Knicks suck, the Nets suck, the Rangers suck and the Islanders suck. The Pinstripers are all they've got. And while their step-dad is at the game and texting his girlfriend who isn't Mom, the kids can listen to the games on the radio and hear some riveting broadcasting from Suzyn Waldman (because non-athletic chicks w/ thicker-than-thick Noo Yak/Jewish(?) accents always provide the best baseball insight, fuhgeddabowdid!).
HEY, SUZYN WALDMAN/LINDA RICHMAN/CAWWFEE TALK IS NO WORSE THAN THE INCOHERENT SHIT THAT COMES OUTTA LARRY ANDERSEN'S MOUTH DURING PHILS' BROADCASTS.
Granted ... and, say ... nobody's accusing Larry Andersen of being drunk during the games. He just broadcasts as though he is. (laugh track)
FROM THE STANDPOINT OF THE TEAM WHICH USED TO WEAR THOSE COOL, MAROON-COLOURED CAPS AND MAROON PINSTRIPES (FROM 1970 THRU 1991), WHO DO WE BLAME FOR TONIGHT?
Several culprits spring to mind.
*Lidge leaving his fastball "up in the zone," as they say, for Damon and A-Roid to whack, well ... that wasn't smart.
*Rollins and Victorino gettin' aboard with no outs and failing to score ... that was harmful.
*Blanton got in a groove, but walking Nick Swisher to lead off the rally which snapped the 2-2 tie ... unwise.
Also, spotting NYY a 2-0 lead in the first ... that was 100% counter-productive ...
Unsmart ... harmful ... unwise ... and counter-productive are not the building blocks for a favorable outcome in a pivotal Game 4.
SO, IN OTHER WORDS, THE HOMER WHICH FELIZ TAGGED OFF OF JOBA PROVIDED ONLY FALSE HOPE?
Let's say Lidge DOES survive the top of the 9th -- what scenario did Phillie Phan envision for the bottom of the 9th vs. Phil Coke? Was it: Single by (Pinch Hitter X), single by Rollins, single by Victorino, strike out by Utley, strike out by Howard, walk-off grand slam by Werth?
The Happiness Paradigm always gets shifted and undermined by the Reality Coefficient -- so, even if it had been Coke rather than Mariano, it still might've ended up grounder to Teixeira, popup to Teixeira, grounder to Teixeira.
At least, Phil Coke didn't enter the game, earn the "W" and lead to a Daily News headline of: "PHILS HAVE A PROBLEM WITH COKE."
Or did we forget the Phils-On-Pills days of yore?
SPEAKING OF THE HAPPINESS PARADIGM AND THE REALITY COEFFICIENT, IS THE INEVITABILTY QUOTIENT THE REASON FOR A MEDIA BLACKOUT IN EFFECT AT THE HONEYCOMB HIDEOUT?
Yes ... and it's imperative that the blackout be honoured. We're probably not going to watch much of Game 5 until it's safe to do so. That mean gettin' Cliff Lee a 3-0 or 5-2 lead which he is entitled to. Also, we'll creatively channel the Games 3, 4 & 5 vs. L.A. to create a positive vibe. It's important to remember: A blackout prohibits Bobby Fuckin' Valentine from invading our personal space and stunting our personal growth with his inane and asinine comments re: matters which are only peripherially related to what actually transpired.
WHAT'S THE GAMEPLAN FOR FENDING OFF YANKEE LOUDMOUTHS TOMORROW?
Nuthin' much ... just me, wearin' a Steelers sweatshirt and offering something succinct along the lines of, "Highest payroll in The MLB every year, but no championships since 2000. Will we be hearing from you again before 2018?"
b
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Game 3 Q&A
(Let's get the tarp off the infield and get right to the questionnaire) ...
WHAT WAS THE TURNING POINT OF TONIGHT'S GAME? WAS IT THE 1-HR., 20-MIN RAIN DELAY? WAS IT THE INSTANT-REPLAY/VIDEO REVIEW HOMER BY A-ROID?
Nah ... the Phils lost Game 3 way back on July 31. At the trade deadline ... when they didn't pull the trigger as some of us had suggested.
ARE YOU SAYING ... ?
Exactly ... and we've been over this a dozen times. GM Biology Major shoulda dealt Colbert Hamels for Harry Leroy Halladay. "Hamels for Halladay, straight up," we said.
WOULD THE BLUE JAYS HAVE MADE THAT SWAP?
Back on July 31? In a heartbeat ... Now? No ...
Ever since that win at the D-Backs three days before the trade deadline, Not King Cole is 4-8 w/ an ERA hovering around 5.00. As we've stated previously, that's borderline Ruffinish/Carmanesque -- or as Big Stein said to Costanza after George attached the World Series trophy to the rear bumper of his car and dragged it through the Yankee Stadium parking lot, "This is unnnn-axx-sept-uhhhh-bulll!" (that was before Mr. Wilhelm burst in and told Big Stein, "I'm tired of all your macho head games!"). >>>> The thing is, Hamels -- from what he's shown outside of Oct. '08 -- is that he's capable of probably many more 10-11 seasons, which, in the final analysis, doesn't stack up against the four or five 15-7 seasons that Roy Halladay might have remaining in his tank.
THAT SEEMS HIGHLY JUDGMENTAL, BASED SOLELY ON A ROCKY PAST 3 MOS. AFTER ALL, A 3-0 LEAD VS. THE BRONX BOMBERS IS NEVER SAFE.
It is for Roy Halladay -- 'cuz Roy Halladay makes big-boy pitches with MLB command. The unraveling tonight for Not King Cole was a walk to Teixeira preceding A-Roid's homer, not to mention the sorry pitches he threw to Swisher, Pettitte and Damon in the 5th. Let's face it: Colbert Hamels still hasn't earned our trust enough to be ranked with our Top 3 Phillie lefties of the past 33 yrs. (Carlton, Rawley, Mulholland) and he's not ready to replace Nino Espinosa as the #35 on the All-Time Phillies Roster in our hearts and in our minds.
THAT'S UNDERSTOOD -- BUT, WHAT REMAINS UNEXPLAINED IS WHY ON HAMELS' BaseballReference.com PAGE, HIS FULL NAME OF "COLBERT MICHAEL HAMELS" HAS BEEN SWITCHED TO "COLE MICHAEL HAMELS"? WHY IS THAT ... WHEN ROY HALLADAY REMAINS "HARRY LEROY HALLADAY"?
Maybe that's a question better suited for LegalZoom.com. But, if it matters, Toby Harrah is still "Colbert Dale Harrah" on his BaseballReference.com page.
TAKING THESE FACTORS INTO CONSIDERATION, AT WHAT POINT DID YOU LOSE INTEREST AND STOP WATCHING?
Not long after Colbert left that pitch up for Damon to whack to the RCF gap to make it 5-3 ... which was only a few minutes after Jack Buck's overrated kid described to America the RBI dunker which Andy Pettitte dumped into shallow CF thusly: "Pettitte hits one in the air to left ..."
It just didn't seem as though Utley and Howard were going to engineer a comeback, given the manner in which Pettitte had them all tied up and waving at pitches.
It seemed like a good time to put this one in the rear-view mirror and to re-tool for a Sunday nite showdown.
DIDN'T THE FANS SEEM A LITTLE SUBDUED AND FLAT, TOO?
Sure did -- except for that chant in the early innings which many of us couldn't decipher (it wasn't as distinct as "Beat L.A.!").
For Werth's second AB (after homering in the previous AB), there was polite hand-clapping and tepid towel-waving when they shoulda been tearing the roof off the place.
Also, there's enough of an influx of Jankee fans probably -- at least more than the 17 Tampa fans last year scattered throughout The Cit.
NONE OF THIS NON-ROWDINESS WAS THE BACKLASH OF WHAT HAPPENED TO DAVID SALE THREE MONTHS AGO, WAS IT?
You mean the guy who was beaten to death ("allegedly") by those three losers (obviously) in the parking lot after some beer was spilled by somebody on somebody else inside McFadden's?
"Shhhhhhhh!" ... that was a FOX Saturday game ... "shhhhhh!"
IF YOU STOPPED WATCHING WHEN YOU SAID YOU DID, THEN YOU MISSED WERTH'S SECOND HOMER. WHAT KIND OF A FAN ARE YOU?
Hey ... don't sweat it. I also missed his first one when I was out on the front porch wolfin' down a Pall Mall. Sometimes in life, smoke breaks happen ...
THOSE HOMERS SEEM A LITTLE EMPTY NOW, DON'T THEY? ... KINDA LIKE THE ONES DYKSTRA HIT IN THE PHILLY RAIN DURING GAME 4 IN '93.
Right ... and Carlos Ruiz's solo shot in the 9th was cheap window-dressing.
HOW NERVOUS SHOULD WE BE THAT IT'S UP TO JOE BLANTON TO KEEP THIS SERIES FROM GOIN' 3-TO-1 THE WRONG WAY?
That's not easy to quantify. What people forget is that Joe tied for the staff lead in wins (12), but he has as many victories as a starter in this postseason (0) as do the two guys he shared the wins leadership with (Happ and Moyer). Then, there's the simple fact that only ONCE in Phillie postseason history has the team ever rallied from a 2-games-to-1 deficit -- and that was back in '93 when Danny Jackson pitched lights out in Game 4 in the A-T-L.
DOES JOE BLANTON HAVE A CHAPTER 2 VERSION OF THE GEM HE AUTHORED IN GAME 4 LAST YEAR VS. THE RAYS?
Likely not ... but, here's the kicker: The last time that the Yankees played in the World Series (2003), lest we forget, they were beaten in Game 1 at The Stadium by the Fish before Pettitte and Clemens (neither of whom ever juiced, unless I've mis-remembered) completely shut down Florida in Games 2 and 3. Everybody was ready to hand that funky trophy with the 30 mini-flags on it to NYY, but then a funny thing happened to the Jankees in Game 4 -- (let's say it together) -- "Carl Pavano."
WHAT AN INTERESTING PARALLEL.
Isn't it, though? Pavano '03 was much like Hamels/Blanton '09 -- only Carl shoved the bats up the Yanks asses for 8 innings 'til Ugueth Urbina blew the win by allowing Ruben Sierra's, game-tying, 2-run triple w/ 2 outs in the 9th. FYI: Alex Gonzalez won that game with a walk-off homer in the 12th (that's the Venezuelan-born Alex Gonzalez, not the Miami-born Alex Gonzalez who kicked that routine grounder during the Bartman series ... the same Miami-born Alex Gonzalez whose final big-league days were the 20 games he played for the Phils in '06 ... probably The Wrong Alex Gonzalez, when ya get right down to it).
Either way, Gonzalez's homer tied the series, 2-2 ... the Fish won the next one at home ... and then Beckett rammed it up the Pinstripers asses in Game 6 in the Bronx.
COULDN'T WE ARGUE THAT THE YANKEES' '03 LINEUP WAS INFERIOR TO THE '09 LINEUP, GIVEN THAT KARIM GARCIA AND NICK JOHNSON WERE PINSTRIPERS THEN?
It's all relative. The '03 lineup had Bernie Williams and a heavily-HGH'ing Giambino as opposed to the current version of .255-hittin' Nick Swisher. And, now that ya mention it, aren't we all sick of, "Watch out, world! Nick Swisher's ready to bust out and hit .261 this year!"???
GRANTED ... BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SIZE OF THE DIP IN SWISHER'S LOWER LIP?
That's The MLB for ya -- which is the shitty part about the Phillies' long run into October (and now, November). If this was Jankees n' Dodjerks, some of us would be watching 0.00 minutes of the sport which delivers the following message to America's children: Remember, kids ... if you're coaching the bases in Little League, high school, junior college, upper college, DO NOT wear a batting helmet -- because foul balls only kill minor league base coaches. And, if you do wear a batting helmet, make sure it has no ear flaps because foul-ball line drives in the major leagues only strike the coaches on the top of the head ... never in or around the ear (or what we call "the skull's Death Zone"). Also ... tobacco is a no-no -- except for Nick Swisher and Jayson Werth and the fistfuls they wedge into their lower lips.
ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT THE MLB MAKES IT UP AS IT GOES ALONG?
Always has, always will ... To twist the new slogan, "This is beyond hypocrisy, this is Beyond Baseball ..."
b
WHAT WAS THE TURNING POINT OF TONIGHT'S GAME? WAS IT THE 1-HR., 20-MIN RAIN DELAY? WAS IT THE INSTANT-REPLAY/VIDEO REVIEW HOMER BY A-ROID?
Nah ... the Phils lost Game 3 way back on July 31. At the trade deadline ... when they didn't pull the trigger as some of us had suggested.
ARE YOU SAYING ... ?
Exactly ... and we've been over this a dozen times. GM Biology Major shoulda dealt Colbert Hamels for Harry Leroy Halladay. "Hamels for Halladay, straight up," we said.
WOULD THE BLUE JAYS HAVE MADE THAT SWAP?
Back on July 31? In a heartbeat ... Now? No ...
Ever since that win at the D-Backs three days before the trade deadline, Not King Cole is 4-8 w/ an ERA hovering around 5.00. As we've stated previously, that's borderline Ruffinish/Carmanesque -- or as Big Stein said to Costanza after George attached the World Series trophy to the rear bumper of his car and dragged it through the Yankee Stadium parking lot, "This is unnnn-axx-sept-uhhhh-bulll!" (that was before Mr. Wilhelm burst in and told Big Stein, "I'm tired of all your macho head games!"). >>>> The thing is, Hamels -- from what he's shown outside of Oct. '08 -- is that he's capable of probably many more 10-11 seasons, which, in the final analysis, doesn't stack up against the four or five 15-7 seasons that Roy Halladay might have remaining in his tank.
THAT SEEMS HIGHLY JUDGMENTAL, BASED SOLELY ON A ROCKY PAST 3 MOS. AFTER ALL, A 3-0 LEAD VS. THE BRONX BOMBERS IS NEVER SAFE.
It is for Roy Halladay -- 'cuz Roy Halladay makes big-boy pitches with MLB command. The unraveling tonight for Not King Cole was a walk to Teixeira preceding A-Roid's homer, not to mention the sorry pitches he threw to Swisher, Pettitte and Damon in the 5th. Let's face it: Colbert Hamels still hasn't earned our trust enough to be ranked with our Top 3 Phillie lefties of the past 33 yrs. (Carlton, Rawley, Mulholland) and he's not ready to replace Nino Espinosa as the #35 on the All-Time Phillies Roster in our hearts and in our minds.
THAT'S UNDERSTOOD -- BUT, WHAT REMAINS UNEXPLAINED IS WHY ON HAMELS' BaseballReference.com PAGE, HIS FULL NAME OF "COLBERT MICHAEL HAMELS" HAS BEEN SWITCHED TO "COLE MICHAEL HAMELS"? WHY IS THAT ... WHEN ROY HALLADAY REMAINS "HARRY LEROY HALLADAY"?
Maybe that's a question better suited for LegalZoom.com. But, if it matters, Toby Harrah is still "Colbert Dale Harrah" on his BaseballReference.com page.
TAKING THESE FACTORS INTO CONSIDERATION, AT WHAT POINT DID YOU LOSE INTEREST AND STOP WATCHING?
Not long after Colbert left that pitch up for Damon to whack to the RCF gap to make it 5-3 ... which was only a few minutes after Jack Buck's overrated kid described to America the RBI dunker which Andy Pettitte dumped into shallow CF thusly: "Pettitte hits one in the air to left ..."
It just didn't seem as though Utley and Howard were going to engineer a comeback, given the manner in which Pettitte had them all tied up and waving at pitches.
It seemed like a good time to put this one in the rear-view mirror and to re-tool for a Sunday nite showdown.
DIDN'T THE FANS SEEM A LITTLE SUBDUED AND FLAT, TOO?
Sure did -- except for that chant in the early innings which many of us couldn't decipher (it wasn't as distinct as "Beat L.A.!").
For Werth's second AB (after homering in the previous AB), there was polite hand-clapping and tepid towel-waving when they shoulda been tearing the roof off the place.
Also, there's enough of an influx of Jankee fans probably -- at least more than the 17 Tampa fans last year scattered throughout The Cit.
NONE OF THIS NON-ROWDINESS WAS THE BACKLASH OF WHAT HAPPENED TO DAVID SALE THREE MONTHS AGO, WAS IT?
You mean the guy who was beaten to death ("allegedly") by those three losers (obviously) in the parking lot after some beer was spilled by somebody on somebody else inside McFadden's?
"Shhhhhhhh!" ... that was a FOX Saturday game ... "shhhhhh!"
IF YOU STOPPED WATCHING WHEN YOU SAID YOU DID, THEN YOU MISSED WERTH'S SECOND HOMER. WHAT KIND OF A FAN ARE YOU?
Hey ... don't sweat it. I also missed his first one when I was out on the front porch wolfin' down a Pall Mall. Sometimes in life, smoke breaks happen ...
THOSE HOMERS SEEM A LITTLE EMPTY NOW, DON'T THEY? ... KINDA LIKE THE ONES DYKSTRA HIT IN THE PHILLY RAIN DURING GAME 4 IN '93.
Right ... and Carlos Ruiz's solo shot in the 9th was cheap window-dressing.
HOW NERVOUS SHOULD WE BE THAT IT'S UP TO JOE BLANTON TO KEEP THIS SERIES FROM GOIN' 3-TO-1 THE WRONG WAY?
That's not easy to quantify. What people forget is that Joe tied for the staff lead in wins (12), but he has as many victories as a starter in this postseason (0) as do the two guys he shared the wins leadership with (Happ and Moyer). Then, there's the simple fact that only ONCE in Phillie postseason history has the team ever rallied from a 2-games-to-1 deficit -- and that was back in '93 when Danny Jackson pitched lights out in Game 4 in the A-T-L.
DOES JOE BLANTON HAVE A CHAPTER 2 VERSION OF THE GEM HE AUTHORED IN GAME 4 LAST YEAR VS. THE RAYS?
Likely not ... but, here's the kicker: The last time that the Yankees played in the World Series (2003), lest we forget, they were beaten in Game 1 at The Stadium by the Fish before Pettitte and Clemens (neither of whom ever juiced, unless I've mis-remembered) completely shut down Florida in Games 2 and 3. Everybody was ready to hand that funky trophy with the 30 mini-flags on it to NYY, but then a funny thing happened to the Jankees in Game 4 -- (let's say it together) -- "Carl Pavano."
WHAT AN INTERESTING PARALLEL.
Isn't it, though? Pavano '03 was much like Hamels/Blanton '09 -- only Carl shoved the bats up the Yanks asses for 8 innings 'til Ugueth Urbina blew the win by allowing Ruben Sierra's, game-tying, 2-run triple w/ 2 outs in the 9th. FYI: Alex Gonzalez won that game with a walk-off homer in the 12th (that's the Venezuelan-born Alex Gonzalez, not the Miami-born Alex Gonzalez who kicked that routine grounder during the Bartman series ... the same Miami-born Alex Gonzalez whose final big-league days were the 20 games he played for the Phils in '06 ... probably The Wrong Alex Gonzalez, when ya get right down to it).
Either way, Gonzalez's homer tied the series, 2-2 ... the Fish won the next one at home ... and then Beckett rammed it up the Pinstripers asses in Game 6 in the Bronx.
COULDN'T WE ARGUE THAT THE YANKEES' '03 LINEUP WAS INFERIOR TO THE '09 LINEUP, GIVEN THAT KARIM GARCIA AND NICK JOHNSON WERE PINSTRIPERS THEN?
It's all relative. The '03 lineup had Bernie Williams and a heavily-HGH'ing Giambino as opposed to the current version of .255-hittin' Nick Swisher. And, now that ya mention it, aren't we all sick of, "Watch out, world! Nick Swisher's ready to bust out and hit .261 this year!"???
GRANTED ... BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SIZE OF THE DIP IN SWISHER'S LOWER LIP?
That's The MLB for ya -- which is the shitty part about the Phillies' long run into October (and now, November). If this was Jankees n' Dodjerks, some of us would be watching 0.00 minutes of the sport which delivers the following message to America's children: Remember, kids ... if you're coaching the bases in Little League, high school, junior college, upper college, DO NOT wear a batting helmet -- because foul balls only kill minor league base coaches. And, if you do wear a batting helmet, make sure it has no ear flaps because foul-ball line drives in the major leagues only strike the coaches on the top of the head ... never in or around the ear (or what we call "the skull's Death Zone"). Also ... tobacco is a no-no -- except for Nick Swisher and Jayson Werth and the fistfuls they wedge into their lower lips.
ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT THE MLB MAKES IT UP AS IT GOES ALONG?
Always has, always will ... To twist the new slogan, "This is beyond hypocrisy, this is Beyond Baseball ..."
b
Sunday, October 25, 2009
"This Is Steve ... And He's (Still) A Sex Addict"
... and then everybody in the group joins the chorus, "Hi, Steve!" -- the only exception here is that, "yes" ... we will judge you and, "no" ... we'll probably never accept you nor will we ever love you.
To coin a phrase ... "tough titties."
Steve Phillips has forgotten more about titties than most of us (some of us, anyway) will ever know ... but, before we get all judgmental and say, "Once a sex addict, always a sex addict," let's remember that Steve Phillips has a disease -- and let's thank god that the last we'll ever see of him on live TV is spouting nonsense on "Baseball Tonight" rather than engaged in a memorable kitchen-table sit-down (while he's naked) with NBC Dateline's Chris Hansen.
A lot of kids across America stumbled into Phillips' face on TV and thought to themselves, "Why can't that guy finish turning that baby goat-tee into a full-grown goat-tee?"
The shit hit the fan on this Sunday morning -- and perhaps the silver lining to this Married Steve and His Girlfriend is that the story (so far) hasn't reached its "climax," so to speak, wherein Married Steve becomes Murdered Steve ... as it did more than three months ago for Steve McNair and his gal, Sahel Kazemi.
Most of us used to believe that Steve Phillips shoulda been Kazemi'ed because he came off as such a smug prick, so to speak, every time we saw him on TV ... but, there are many children out there across America who weren't laughing their asses off 10 yrs. ago when we heard the Mutts GM admit that he had a sexual addiction.
Despite his illness (covered? or NOT covered? in the new Obama Healthcare Package), the Disneyland Baseball Channel is probably going to lower the boom on Phillips (meaning that the final lasting observation he gave America was J-Roll's walk-off, 2-run double "hit the chain-link fence, blah blah blah ...).
Dammit, we're gonna miss that commentary.
It was unfortunate that the Espy Network chick who claims to be his lover thrust, so to speak, this situation into the public eye and set Phillips up for weeks of abuse.
The leadoff batter, metaphorically, was CBS Sportline's Gregg Doyel, who appeared on that Sunday morning CNN program which much of us weren't paying attention to as we dressed and prepared to go outdoors.
Doyel's initial cheap shot was that Phillips lover ain't too good-lookin'.
If such a remark seems harsh, America needs to understand that Doyel is obligated to say what he did.
As those of us who don't waste our time reading Doyel's traditional bullshit, we realize that guys who have a dangle the size of a broken No. 2 pencil and who, at birth, got the fuck beaten outta them with the ugly stick NEED to be pro-active in zeroing on peripheral, superficial matters.
Such as the looks of others who also got the fuck beaten outta them with the ugly stick.
It's doubtful that, in the days ahead, if we'll learn if Steve Phillips' lover had an inner-thigh that was sweeter n' hotter n' softer than cinnamon rolls fresh outta the oven -- just as we'll probably never learn where Gregg Doyel stashes his NAMBLA literature.
The central issue should be that it's America's children who'll be the losers in the end.
Then again, The MLB-Y2K-ESPN superpower was never intended for kids.
It's to reintroduce us to that "other" ex-Mets prick Bobby Valentine ... and the .063 percent of value he adds to everything he does.
So, how will America's children learn about the birds n' the bees between episodes of the Married Steve and the Murdered Steve?
From De Niro, of course.
When it comes to mapping out the M-L-B and s-e-x, it's always best to pop "The Fan" into the DVD player.
You remember: Young Richie Renard and his dad, Gil, are driving to Candleshit for the season opener.
RICHIE: "Jason Pelligrini's dad says Mick Jagger is gay."
GIL (angrily): "Jason Pelligrini's dad takes it up the ass."
It's up to America to decide if De Niro as Gil Renard offering that hostile response revealed him as a less-thoughtful character than the one he portrayed 25 or so years earlier when he was New York Mammoths catcher Bruce Pearson learning the ropes from teammate Henry Wiggen (Michael Moriarty) in "Bang The Drum Slowly."
BRUCE: "Arthur, if you was on one team and I was on another, what kinda book would you keep on me?"
HENRY: "If you was on one team and I was on another, I'd say to myself, 'No need to keep a book on Pearson, 'cuz Pearson keeps no book on me.' 'Cuz if I strike ya out on a curveball 'in here,' you don't go back to the bench sayin' 'That son of a bitch, Wiggen, he struck me out on a curveball in here, so I'll be on the lookout next time.' No ... you go back to the bench sayin', 'I think I need a frank' or 'I see a great pair of jugs up in the stands.' "
Hey ... it's a mediocre movie at best ... but it's all we have.
And it's better than reading Doyel's rants re: Steve Phillips' pursuit of 'tang ...
b
To coin a phrase ... "tough titties."
Steve Phillips has forgotten more about titties than most of us (some of us, anyway) will ever know ... but, before we get all judgmental and say, "Once a sex addict, always a sex addict," let's remember that Steve Phillips has a disease -- and let's thank god that the last we'll ever see of him on live TV is spouting nonsense on "Baseball Tonight" rather than engaged in a memorable kitchen-table sit-down (while he's naked) with NBC Dateline's Chris Hansen.
A lot of kids across America stumbled into Phillips' face on TV and thought to themselves, "Why can't that guy finish turning that baby goat-tee into a full-grown goat-tee?"
The shit hit the fan on this Sunday morning -- and perhaps the silver lining to this Married Steve and His Girlfriend is that the story (so far) hasn't reached its "climax," so to speak, wherein Married Steve becomes Murdered Steve ... as it did more than three months ago for Steve McNair and his gal, Sahel Kazemi.
Most of us used to believe that Steve Phillips shoulda been Kazemi'ed because he came off as such a smug prick, so to speak, every time we saw him on TV ... but, there are many children out there across America who weren't laughing their asses off 10 yrs. ago when we heard the Mutts GM admit that he had a sexual addiction.
Despite his illness (covered? or NOT covered? in the new Obama Healthcare Package), the Disneyland Baseball Channel is probably going to lower the boom on Phillips (meaning that the final lasting observation he gave America was J-Roll's walk-off, 2-run double "hit the chain-link fence, blah blah blah ...).
Dammit, we're gonna miss that commentary.
It was unfortunate that the Espy Network chick who claims to be his lover thrust, so to speak, this situation into the public eye and set Phillips up for weeks of abuse.
The leadoff batter, metaphorically, was CBS Sportline's Gregg Doyel, who appeared on that Sunday morning CNN program which much of us weren't paying attention to as we dressed and prepared to go outdoors.
Doyel's initial cheap shot was that Phillips lover ain't too good-lookin'.
If such a remark seems harsh, America needs to understand that Doyel is obligated to say what he did.
As those of us who don't waste our time reading Doyel's traditional bullshit, we realize that guys who have a dangle the size of a broken No. 2 pencil and who, at birth, got the fuck beaten outta them with the ugly stick NEED to be pro-active in zeroing on peripheral, superficial matters.
Such as the looks of others who also got the fuck beaten outta them with the ugly stick.
It's doubtful that, in the days ahead, if we'll learn if Steve Phillips' lover had an inner-thigh that was sweeter n' hotter n' softer than cinnamon rolls fresh outta the oven -- just as we'll probably never learn where Gregg Doyel stashes his NAMBLA literature.
The central issue should be that it's America's children who'll be the losers in the end.
Then again, The MLB-Y2K-ESPN superpower was never intended for kids.
It's to reintroduce us to that "other" ex-Mets prick Bobby Valentine ... and the .063 percent of value he adds to everything he does.
So, how will America's children learn about the birds n' the bees between episodes of the Married Steve and the Murdered Steve?
From De Niro, of course.
When it comes to mapping out the M-L-B and s-e-x, it's always best to pop "The Fan" into the DVD player.
You remember: Young Richie Renard and his dad, Gil, are driving to Candleshit for the season opener.
RICHIE: "Jason Pelligrini's dad says Mick Jagger is gay."
GIL (angrily): "Jason Pelligrini's dad takes it up the ass."
It's up to America to decide if De Niro as Gil Renard offering that hostile response revealed him as a less-thoughtful character than the one he portrayed 25 or so years earlier when he was New York Mammoths catcher Bruce Pearson learning the ropes from teammate Henry Wiggen (Michael Moriarty) in "Bang The Drum Slowly."
BRUCE: "Arthur, if you was on one team and I was on another, what kinda book would you keep on me?"
HENRY: "If you was on one team and I was on another, I'd say to myself, 'No need to keep a book on Pearson, 'cuz Pearson keeps no book on me.' 'Cuz if I strike ya out on a curveball 'in here,' you don't go back to the bench sayin' 'That son of a bitch, Wiggen, he struck me out on a curveball in here, so I'll be on the lookout next time.' No ... you go back to the bench sayin', 'I think I need a frank' or 'I see a great pair of jugs up in the stands.' "
Hey ... it's a mediocre movie at best ... but it's all we have.
And it's better than reading Doyel's rants re: Steve Phillips' pursuit of 'tang ...
b
Monday, October 19, 2009
PHILLIES: Neutralizing The Guns of Brixton
"When they kick at your front door
How you gonna come?
With your hands on your head
Or on the trigger of your gun
When the law break in
How you gonna go?
Shot down on the pavement
Or waiting in Death Row
You can crush us
You can bruise us
But you'll have to answer to
Ohhh-ho, the Guns of Brixton ... "
What a blockbuster night this was ... on the Monday following last Monday's "wrecking of Rocktober," the Fightin's dialed up some more magic -- and now the questions are rollin' in like a Rollins shot to the gap ...
WHILE SOME OF US HAVE BEEN SINGING "GUNS OF BRIXTON" EVER SINCE CHUCK AND I WERE THE FIRST GUYS (PROBABLY) AT T.O.H.S. TO BUY THAT LP WAY BACK DURING THE FIRST YEAR THAT THE PHILLIES WON THEIR FIRST WORLD SERIES, WE HAVE WONDERED ALOUD "GUNS OF BRIXTON" EDGES OUT (OR NOT) "BRAND NEW CADILLAC," "HATEFUL," "CLAMPDOWN," AND/OR "DEATH AND GLORY" AS THE BEST CUTS ON THAT DOUBLE-LP.
That is wayyyy toooo close to call! They are all like Pall Malls or Double-Doubles from In-N-Out ... an unforgettable trip to Flavour Country.
NOW THAT WE EXAMINE IT CLOSER, AREN'T WE ACTUALLY USING "GUNS OF BRIXTON" HERE MERELY AS A PLAY ON WORDS FOR DODGER CLOSER JONATHAN BROXTON AND HIS DEMISE TONIGHT AT THE HANDS OF THE FIGHTIN' PHILS?
Maybe, maybe not ... and, as such, we might be smarter to fire up "The Eton Rifles" and muscially remark: "Thought you were clever when you lit the fuse / Tore down the House of Commons in your brand new shoes / Composed the revolutionary symphony / Then went to bed with a charming young thing / Hello, hurray ... cheers then, mate .... It's the Eton Rifles! Eton Rifles!"
SAY, THE LAST TIME WE SAW CHUCK, DIDN'T WE DROP HIM OFF IN EXTON AFTER WE TOOK HIM PAST THE VET A FEW WEEKS AFTER THE FINAL GAME THERE AND BEFORE WE TOOK HIM TO PAT'S KING OF STEAKS WHERE HE FUMBLED HIS ORDER?
That was a good time ... only thing is, worse than Chuck not remembering what he was taught ("one, Wiz, without"), dude put ketchup on his cheesesteak.
SAY, ISN'T MATT RYAN FROM EXTON?
Apparently ...
IS THAT ANYWHERE NEAR BRIXTON OR ETON?
Maybe ... maybe not ...
BACK TO THAT GUY WHO'S NOT FROM BRIXTON OR FROM EXTON ... WHY DOES baseballreference.com LIST BROXTON AS 6-4/240 WHILE EVERYBODY ELSE HAS HIM AT 6-4/294?
Maybe he was eatin' a tossed green salad the day that he stepped on the scale for SABR.
IF HE TRULY IS THE 'GIGANTOR' OF RELIEF PITCHERS, THEN WHAT THE HELL WAS HE DOIN' NIBBLING WITH STAIRS AT THE PLATE? GIGANTOR SHOULDN'T "NIBBLE," SHOULD HE? SHOULDN'T GIGANTOR BE BREATHIN' FIRE AND KNOCKIN' OVER SKYSCRAPERS?
That was some of the most-moronic pitching that humankind has ever seen ... walking Stairs on 4 pitches. Who cares if the fireplug-sized former slugger took Broxton deep in Game 4 in L.A. last year -- that was LAST year. GIGANTOR would've benefitted from Hall of Fame mgr. (so they say) Joe Torre passing him a note which read: "Forget about last year. Tonight is not last year."
During the final 3 mos. of THIS season, Stairs batted a robust .082 which included that particularly forgettable stretch of 30 consecutive ABs w/o a hit. Torre -- the managerial messiah (so they say) -- failed to dispatch Honeycutt to the mound to remind Broxton that, at 6-4/294, "you are the big, bad wolf ... not that pussy, errr ... Canadian guy in the batter's box."
A 4-PITCH WALK ... AND THEN RUIZ GETS PLUNKED ON THE VERY NEXT PITCH ...
That Ruiz HBP was a continuation of Broxton overthinking the situation and aiming a pitch (quite poorly, in fact) rather than allowing his super Gigantor powers to clean up the mess. Mighty Brox's mind might've rewound to that Thurs. afternoon game in mid-May when he was one strike away from nailing down a 3-1 for L.A. at The Cit and Ruiz, after fouling off two pitches, pounded a 2-run double which tied the game.
OKAY, BUT CHECK OUT THIS MOMENT-OF-CLARITY: AFTER DOBBSIE HIT THAT WEIRD FLUTTERBALL TO CASEY BLAKE FOR OUT #2, A LOT OF US WERE WATCHIN' J-ROLL SETTLE INTO THE BATTER'S BOX AND, AS WE WERE HOPIN' FOR A SHARP SINGLE TO TIE THE GAME, IT DAWNED ON US THAT WE REALLY DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING IN OUR MEMORY BANK RE: J-ROLL PROVIDING ANYTHING OF THE "WALK-OFF" VARIETY. HE'S BEEN A MONEY PLAYER FOR ALMOST A FULL DECADE NOW ... HE WAS MR. 20-20-20-20 MVP TWO YEARS AGO ... HE HIT THE GRAND SLAM AND THE 2-RUN DOUBLE LATE IN THE GAME IN WHICH DAVID SALE WAS BEATEN TO DEATH IN THE PARKING LOT OUTSIDE THE CIT SOMETIME AROUND THE TIME THAT STEPHEN REGISTER WAS MAKING HIS ONLY PITCHING APPEARANCE FOR THE FIGHTIN'S ... BUT, NOTWITHSTANDING THAT, J-ROLL SIMPLY ISN'T A WALK-OFF KINDA GUY ...
Well, not until tonight, anyway -- primarily because he'd never been in that situation before. Not that we can recall, anyway. SABRmetric doofuses who spent a lotta time crunching SABRmetric numbers instead of crushing 2-2 sliders on the black put a lot of value (too much, as far as we're concerned) in those historical "late-inning pressure situation" averages. Any SABmetricistian, however, who diminishes the value of J-Roll's leadoff homer in Game 4 of last year's NLDS in Milwaukee or his leadoff HR in Game 5 of the NLCS in L.A. -- and the boost that those HRs provided to the team -- should probably turn in his SABRmetricistian membership card and return to the activity of French-kissing the boy in bed beside him. The rest of us will return to the act of valuing J-Roll as "an ignitor" ... i.e. his singles which started the 9th inning rallies in Game 3 and Game 4 in Colorado. All of the aformentioned hits, nevertheless, will rank a distant second to that frickin' rocket which J-Roll sent to the gap tonight.
SPEAKING OF THAT MISSILE UP THE ALLEY, WHAT THE FRICK WAS REFORMED-SEX-ADDICT STEVE PHILLIPS TALKIN' 'BOUT WHEN HE MADE A POINT OF MENTIONING THAT THE BALL BOUNCED UP AGAINST THE CHAIN-LINK FENCE WHICH PROVIDES THE "OUTER SHELL," AS IT WERE, OF THE OUTFIELD WALL? DID THE SILVER FOX WITH THE UNFINISHED GOAT-TEE WANT US TO MAKE SOME SORT OF CONNECTION?
Nobody knows -- not even reformed-sex-addict Steve Phillips -- knows what the fuck Steve Phillips is saying after he says what he says with that mouth that he also uses to (#$&&) a lot of (&**@#).
From what we think we can ascertain, Phillips seemed to be hinting that if the outfield wall had been made of Gummi Bears instead of chain-link material, the ball would've caromed, rapid-fire, to Ethier and he would've made a throw on the fly from the warning track to home plate to nail Ruiz and send this baby to extras ...
IF A DICKWAD SUCH AS STEVE PHILLIPS HAD DONE HIS HOMEWORK INSTEAD OF JACKING OFF IN ONE OF ESPN's RESTROOMS (MEN'S OR WOMEN'S, HE AIN'T FUSSY), HE'D'VE INFORMED AMERICA THAT NO PHILLIE-DODGER PLAYOFF SERIES HAS EVER BEEN TIED 2-GAMES-APIECE THRU 4 GAMES ... WHICH WAS THE ONLY THOUGHT INSIDE SOME OF OUR HEADS AS THE 9TH INNING BEGAN.
A nugget like that is valuable ... but, if ya lived thru 1977 and 1978 ya remember how those Game 4s ended ... and ya also remember the highs of Game 4 in '83 (a Sixto Lexcano homer!) and Game 4 last year (a Victorino homer into the Phillie bullpen which almost decapitated rookie catcher Lou Marson). Kinda makes ya wonder where Sixto and Lou watched the game tonight.
DEEP DOWN, DIDN'T WE ALL KNOW THAT THIS GAME WOULD WORK OUT IN THE FIGHTIN'S FAVOUR BECAUSE, LET'S FACE IT, ANY TIME RANDY WOLF STARTS A BIG GAME IN PHILLY, RANDY WOLF'S BEST INTERESTS ARE NEVER SERVED?
Agreed ... although he got jobbed on the 2-strike pitch which woulda rung up Howard in the first inning before the big guy jacked it out on the next pitch.
THAT HAD TO PLEASE THE WOLF PACK.
For sure, tho' does anyone remember the FOX cameras showing any shots of somebody wearing a rubber wolf mask?
Thinking outside the pack, it was pleasing when -- after the Dodgers had nicked and scratched their way from a 2-0 deficit to a 4-2 lead -- Victorino and Utley delivered some comeback material with that Manny-assisted triple and a solid RBI single.
ALTHOUGH THIS WAS A PHILLIE COMEBACK FOR THE AGES, THERE'S ONE GUY WHO'S GOING TO SPEND ALL OF TUESDAY SETTIN' THE RECORD STRAIGHT, ISN'T HE?
Damn straight. The one and only George Vukovich will be tellin' everybody, "J-Roll's hit was terrific, but I remain the only player in the Phillies' 125-year history to end a playoff game with a walk-off homer. Get it straight, people ... I hit a walk-off HOMER!!!"
HOW VALID IS HIS POINT?
As valid as valid gets. But, now it's time to end this in 5 games and avoid a trip back to La-La Land, where the Santa Ana winds whip up never-ending brushfires while shifts in the San Andreas Fault stir up constant earthquake anxiety.
COLE HAMELS IS FROM CALI -- IS HE THE MAN FOR THE JOB?
If he can block out the distractions of his new baby girl named Colbertina and channel his inner gun of Brixton or Eton Rifle. Otherwise, it'll be Cliff Lee on the hill at Dodger Stadium on Fri. nite for Game 6.
No one wants to see that when it's totally avoidable ...
b
How you gonna come?
With your hands on your head
Or on the trigger of your gun
When the law break in
How you gonna go?
Shot down on the pavement
Or waiting in Death Row
You can crush us
You can bruise us
But you'll have to answer to
Ohhh-ho, the Guns of Brixton ... "
What a blockbuster night this was ... on the Monday following last Monday's "wrecking of Rocktober," the Fightin's dialed up some more magic -- and now the questions are rollin' in like a Rollins shot to the gap ...
WHILE SOME OF US HAVE BEEN SINGING "GUNS OF BRIXTON" EVER SINCE CHUCK AND I WERE THE FIRST GUYS (PROBABLY) AT T.O.H.S. TO BUY THAT LP WAY BACK DURING THE FIRST YEAR THAT THE PHILLIES WON THEIR FIRST WORLD SERIES, WE HAVE WONDERED ALOUD "GUNS OF BRIXTON" EDGES OUT (OR NOT) "BRAND NEW CADILLAC," "HATEFUL," "CLAMPDOWN," AND/OR "DEATH AND GLORY" AS THE BEST CUTS ON THAT DOUBLE-LP.
That is wayyyy toooo close to call! They are all like Pall Malls or Double-Doubles from In-N-Out ... an unforgettable trip to Flavour Country.
NOW THAT WE EXAMINE IT CLOSER, AREN'T WE ACTUALLY USING "GUNS OF BRIXTON" HERE MERELY AS A PLAY ON WORDS FOR DODGER CLOSER JONATHAN BROXTON AND HIS DEMISE TONIGHT AT THE HANDS OF THE FIGHTIN' PHILS?
Maybe, maybe not ... and, as such, we might be smarter to fire up "The Eton Rifles" and muscially remark: "Thought you were clever when you lit the fuse / Tore down the House of Commons in your brand new shoes / Composed the revolutionary symphony / Then went to bed with a charming young thing / Hello, hurray ... cheers then, mate .... It's the Eton Rifles! Eton Rifles!"
SAY, THE LAST TIME WE SAW CHUCK, DIDN'T WE DROP HIM OFF IN EXTON AFTER WE TOOK HIM PAST THE VET A FEW WEEKS AFTER THE FINAL GAME THERE AND BEFORE WE TOOK HIM TO PAT'S KING OF STEAKS WHERE HE FUMBLED HIS ORDER?
That was a good time ... only thing is, worse than Chuck not remembering what he was taught ("one, Wiz, without"), dude put ketchup on his cheesesteak.
SAY, ISN'T MATT RYAN FROM EXTON?
Apparently ...
IS THAT ANYWHERE NEAR BRIXTON OR ETON?
Maybe ... maybe not ...
BACK TO THAT GUY WHO'S NOT FROM BRIXTON OR FROM EXTON ... WHY DOES baseballreference.com LIST BROXTON AS 6-4/240 WHILE EVERYBODY ELSE HAS HIM AT 6-4/294?
Maybe he was eatin' a tossed green salad the day that he stepped on the scale for SABR.
IF HE TRULY IS THE 'GIGANTOR' OF RELIEF PITCHERS, THEN WHAT THE HELL WAS HE DOIN' NIBBLING WITH STAIRS AT THE PLATE? GIGANTOR SHOULDN'T "NIBBLE," SHOULD HE? SHOULDN'T GIGANTOR BE BREATHIN' FIRE AND KNOCKIN' OVER SKYSCRAPERS?
That was some of the most-moronic pitching that humankind has ever seen ... walking Stairs on 4 pitches. Who cares if the fireplug-sized former slugger took Broxton deep in Game 4 in L.A. last year -- that was LAST year. GIGANTOR would've benefitted from Hall of Fame mgr. (so they say) Joe Torre passing him a note which read: "Forget about last year. Tonight is not last year."
During the final 3 mos. of THIS season, Stairs batted a robust .082 which included that particularly forgettable stretch of 30 consecutive ABs w/o a hit. Torre -- the managerial messiah (so they say) -- failed to dispatch Honeycutt to the mound to remind Broxton that, at 6-4/294, "you are the big, bad wolf ... not that pussy, errr ... Canadian guy in the batter's box."
A 4-PITCH WALK ... AND THEN RUIZ GETS PLUNKED ON THE VERY NEXT PITCH ...
That Ruiz HBP was a continuation of Broxton overthinking the situation and aiming a pitch (quite poorly, in fact) rather than allowing his super Gigantor powers to clean up the mess. Mighty Brox's mind might've rewound to that Thurs. afternoon game in mid-May when he was one strike away from nailing down a 3-1 for L.A. at The Cit and Ruiz, after fouling off two pitches, pounded a 2-run double which tied the game.
OKAY, BUT CHECK OUT THIS MOMENT-OF-CLARITY: AFTER DOBBSIE HIT THAT WEIRD FLUTTERBALL TO CASEY BLAKE FOR OUT #2, A LOT OF US WERE WATCHIN' J-ROLL SETTLE INTO THE BATTER'S BOX AND, AS WE WERE HOPIN' FOR A SHARP SINGLE TO TIE THE GAME, IT DAWNED ON US THAT WE REALLY DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING IN OUR MEMORY BANK RE: J-ROLL PROVIDING ANYTHING OF THE "WALK-OFF" VARIETY. HE'S BEEN A MONEY PLAYER FOR ALMOST A FULL DECADE NOW ... HE WAS MR. 20-20-20-20 MVP TWO YEARS AGO ... HE HIT THE GRAND SLAM AND THE 2-RUN DOUBLE LATE IN THE GAME IN WHICH DAVID SALE WAS BEATEN TO DEATH IN THE PARKING LOT OUTSIDE THE CIT SOMETIME AROUND THE TIME THAT STEPHEN REGISTER WAS MAKING HIS ONLY PITCHING APPEARANCE FOR THE FIGHTIN'S ... BUT, NOTWITHSTANDING THAT, J-ROLL SIMPLY ISN'T A WALK-OFF KINDA GUY ...
Well, not until tonight, anyway -- primarily because he'd never been in that situation before. Not that we can recall, anyway. SABRmetric doofuses who spent a lotta time crunching SABRmetric numbers instead of crushing 2-2 sliders on the black put a lot of value (too much, as far as we're concerned) in those historical "late-inning pressure situation" averages. Any SABmetricistian, however, who diminishes the value of J-Roll's leadoff homer in Game 4 of last year's NLDS in Milwaukee or his leadoff HR in Game 5 of the NLCS in L.A. -- and the boost that those HRs provided to the team -- should probably turn in his SABRmetricistian membership card and return to the activity of French-kissing the boy in bed beside him. The rest of us will return to the act of valuing J-Roll as "an ignitor" ... i.e. his singles which started the 9th inning rallies in Game 3 and Game 4 in Colorado. All of the aformentioned hits, nevertheless, will rank a distant second to that frickin' rocket which J-Roll sent to the gap tonight.
SPEAKING OF THAT MISSILE UP THE ALLEY, WHAT THE FRICK WAS REFORMED-SEX-ADDICT STEVE PHILLIPS TALKIN' 'BOUT WHEN HE MADE A POINT OF MENTIONING THAT THE BALL BOUNCED UP AGAINST THE CHAIN-LINK FENCE WHICH PROVIDES THE "OUTER SHELL," AS IT WERE, OF THE OUTFIELD WALL? DID THE SILVER FOX WITH THE UNFINISHED GOAT-TEE WANT US TO MAKE SOME SORT OF CONNECTION?
Nobody knows -- not even reformed-sex-addict Steve Phillips -- knows what the fuck Steve Phillips is saying after he says what he says with that mouth that he also uses to (#$&&) a lot of (&**@#).
From what we think we can ascertain, Phillips seemed to be hinting that if the outfield wall had been made of Gummi Bears instead of chain-link material, the ball would've caromed, rapid-fire, to Ethier and he would've made a throw on the fly from the warning track to home plate to nail Ruiz and send this baby to extras ...
IF A DICKWAD SUCH AS STEVE PHILLIPS HAD DONE HIS HOMEWORK INSTEAD OF JACKING OFF IN ONE OF ESPN's RESTROOMS (MEN'S OR WOMEN'S, HE AIN'T FUSSY), HE'D'VE INFORMED AMERICA THAT NO PHILLIE-DODGER PLAYOFF SERIES HAS EVER BEEN TIED 2-GAMES-APIECE THRU 4 GAMES ... WHICH WAS THE ONLY THOUGHT INSIDE SOME OF OUR HEADS AS THE 9TH INNING BEGAN.
A nugget like that is valuable ... but, if ya lived thru 1977 and 1978 ya remember how those Game 4s ended ... and ya also remember the highs of Game 4 in '83 (a Sixto Lexcano homer!) and Game 4 last year (a Victorino homer into the Phillie bullpen which almost decapitated rookie catcher Lou Marson). Kinda makes ya wonder where Sixto and Lou watched the game tonight.
DEEP DOWN, DIDN'T WE ALL KNOW THAT THIS GAME WOULD WORK OUT IN THE FIGHTIN'S FAVOUR BECAUSE, LET'S FACE IT, ANY TIME RANDY WOLF STARTS A BIG GAME IN PHILLY, RANDY WOLF'S BEST INTERESTS ARE NEVER SERVED?
Agreed ... although he got jobbed on the 2-strike pitch which woulda rung up Howard in the first inning before the big guy jacked it out on the next pitch.
THAT HAD TO PLEASE THE WOLF PACK.
For sure, tho' does anyone remember the FOX cameras showing any shots of somebody wearing a rubber wolf mask?
Thinking outside the pack, it was pleasing when -- after the Dodgers had nicked and scratched their way from a 2-0 deficit to a 4-2 lead -- Victorino and Utley delivered some comeback material with that Manny-assisted triple and a solid RBI single.
ALTHOUGH THIS WAS A PHILLIE COMEBACK FOR THE AGES, THERE'S ONE GUY WHO'S GOING TO SPEND ALL OF TUESDAY SETTIN' THE RECORD STRAIGHT, ISN'T HE?
Damn straight. The one and only George Vukovich will be tellin' everybody, "J-Roll's hit was terrific, but I remain the only player in the Phillies' 125-year history to end a playoff game with a walk-off homer. Get it straight, people ... I hit a walk-off HOMER!!!"
HOW VALID IS HIS POINT?
As valid as valid gets. But, now it's time to end this in 5 games and avoid a trip back to La-La Land, where the Santa Ana winds whip up never-ending brushfires while shifts in the San Andreas Fault stir up constant earthquake anxiety.
COLE HAMELS IS FROM CALI -- IS HE THE MAN FOR THE JOB?
If he can block out the distractions of his new baby girl named Colbertina and channel his inner gun of Brixton or Eton Rifle. Otherwise, it'll be Cliff Lee on the hill at Dodger Stadium on Fri. nite for Game 6.
No one wants to see that when it's totally avoidable ...
b
Thursday, October 15, 2009
CARLOS RUIZ: Not Afraid Of Curtain Koleslaw
... which should come as a surprise to no one, given that Carlos Ruiz is the only person, not to mention the only Panamanian, in the history of The MLB to hit a home run and a walk-off, 48.5-foot single at 1:47 a.m. in the same World Series game! ////// Three swings of the bats tonight (Ruiz 3-run HR, Howard 2-run 2B, Ibanez 3-run HR) helped the Fightin's offset L.A.'s 14 swings of the bat which produced 14 basehits, notwithstanding ex-Phillie Jim Thome's 0-0. ///// Ah, yes ... any Phillie playoff win is swell, but it's sweeter when it happens vs. L.A. and then prompts Johnny A. to open his Cali-to-Mid-Atlantic Corridor phoner w/: "Thank you, God." -- after all, JayAy is the guy who was there for 9 In The 9th back in '90, not to mention the fact that, under the heading of "religious affiliation" on his Facebook pg., it reads: "anti-Dodger." ////// Is that hate-speech? ///// We hope so ... //// Although none of us knows, though, why Thome's name was in the Disneyland Baseball Channel's quick-stat/recap for tonight's game. ////// THOME: 0-0 ///// It belonged there about as much as: HAPP 1/3 IP, 0 H, 0 ER, 0 SO ///// Frickin' amateurs ... //// There can be no argument, however: There was nuthin' amateurish, though, 'bout the professional manner in which Carlos Ruiz totally jerked that Curtain Koleslaw pitch to get the Phils off the deck. ///// He put a quality baseball swing on the pitched pelota and, yeah ... he crushed it. ///// As per the other two runs in the top of the 5th (5 In The 5th doesn't sound as nice as 9 In The 9th, but, the stakes were far greater, so it must be treated with greater reverence, so they say), perhaps the Philly Sixer (Howard) didn't rocket his 2-run 2B down the RF line, but he hit it sharply (and with proper placement). ///// Ibanez? Now, that was funny considering that Honeycutt had just pow-wowed with Sherrill and then, "bang!" .... first pitch, 3-run jack. ////// "Whujuh guys talk about in the huddle?" ////// Relievers named Sherrill ... crooked college football coaches named Sherrill ... ex-fiancees named Cheryl ... what purpose do they serve, anyway? ////// As long as we're nitpicking, Cole Hamels -- pitching in his first game since becoming a daddy (we've heard that his infant daughter's name is NOT Colbertina, which disappoints us tremendously) -- was kinda so-so. ////// It's difficult to assess his performance, since he was reasonably sharp (kinda/sorta) thru the first 4, but then, after sittin' thru 5 In The 5th, was a little shoddy, location-wise, in the bottom of the frame. ///// Ironically, the pitch which #99 Druggie Dreadlock cranked for his HR, well ... location-wise, that wasn't a terrible pitch. ////// Only Man-Ram's gonna handle that one. //// Which he did. //// Which means that maybe it was a shitty pitch, I dunno. ////// It was a bit of a tightrope walk out there tonight ... Madson had to work out of a scrape in the 8th ... and, in the 9th, Lidge woulda been ripe for an implosion if Blakebeard doesn't go 4-6-3 on that DP which Utley started in dandy fashion. ///// Think about it: Lidge facing 3-for-4 Loney w/ 2 on and 0 outs, hmmmmm ... ///// Some of us would rather not think about that -- but, rather why, during last year's NLCS, Blakebeard was wearing his beard and #30, but now he's wearing #23 (the number which GIDP rookie Blake DeWitt was wearing ... and WTF is up with Russell Nathan Coltrane Jeanson Martin wearing "J. MARTIN" above the 55 on the back of his L.A. shirt? ///// Is that how they do things in Ontario, Canada or Ontario, Calif.? /////// Not our concern, probably ...
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Who's Afraid of Curtain Koleslaw?
Not the Fightin's, that's for goddamn sure.
Those "Baseball Tonight" eggheads spent today tryin' to convince America that Dodger southpaw Curtain Coleslaw or Kerton Clayshaw (or whatever the frick his name is) might be something greater in Dodger lore than the Second Coming of Doug Rau.
When it's Show Buckwalter or Tony Perez's mushmouth kid talkin' 'bout the new pitching messiah (or Dave Winfield -- who's spent all season adding nuthin' other than super-obvious observations ... or Reformed Sex Addict STEVE PHILLIPS), we see their lips moving, but all we hear is:
"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, somma people out there in our nation that don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as South Africa and, uh, The Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe that they should, uh, our education OVER HERE in the U.S. should help the U.S. or, er, should help South Africa and should help The Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our [[[[ INAUDIBLE >>> ]]]] children ..."
As per Buster Olney, well ... he should know better.
Dude musta been under the influence of some powerful crystal meth which ESPN keeps on hand 'cuz he said something about how Curtain Koleslaw can carry a team on his back because quote-unquote "his stuff is electric."
It's difficult to see the logic in such a remark re: a pitcher who went 8-8 in 30 starts w/ 14 no-decisions, regardless of the fine, sub-3.00 ERA.
What's so electric about that?
How does that help South Africa and The Iraq everywhere such as?
In the ESPN paradigm, we're all better off when they ship in hockey expert Mary Belrose to offer his trademark cop-out of "(Team X) wanted it more."
When Mary Belrose is too busy waxing his mullet, Herb Kirkstreit is carted in for turbo-powered cliches, such as "on the offensive side of the ball" or "defensive side of the ball" ... or, if those fail, lettin' us know that (Player X) caught the ball at its highest point (meaning that Player X leaped 10 feet above the ground, extended his arms and caught the ball when it was 15-20 feet above the earth's surface).
To complete the circuit, Berman sez, "Thuh-Rayyyyyy-duzzzz!"
The thing is: Since Barry Melrose and Kirk Herbstreit and 77 percent of the "Baseball Tonight" crew are lazy pricks (you, too, jock-sniffin' Todd McShay), we need (topless) Miss Teen South Carolina more than ever to sort out this mess.
Seriously ... Buck Showfucker actually had the audacity to say "the Phillies have a good bench, blah blah blah ..." -- which, translated, means, "yes" ... Miss Teen South Carolina should be in the studio right now ... topless ... and tellin' us how the world works.
Listen up, Nathaniel ... the Phillies have knee-deep horrendousness on the bench, give or take a quality AB by Francisco or Dobbs twice a month.
Matt Stairs battin' .082 since July 1 does not constitute "a good bench" -- and god-only-knows what Bruntlett and Bako have up their sleeves if called on in a pinch.
Of all the lazy shitheads who didn't do their homework, it was actually Krukkie who told us that Ryan Howard batted only .107 vs. L.A. this season ... and then he told us why.
However, the ONLY reason why the Phils beat L.A. last year was because Derek Lowe could not protect 2-run leads in each of his two starts and Chad Billingsley's command was zilch in his two starts.
If anyone bothered to look at the stats (or, what the heck, actually watch the '08 NLCS), it WASN'T about the Dodgers being too reliant on Manny (Kemp and Loney each batted better than .300 in the series).
And, the Phillies winning a series IS NOT contingent on Rollins and Victorino getting on base and creating havoc (as proved by J-Rol and the Flyin' Hawaiian batting a combined .180 -- 7 for 39 -- in last year's NLCS).
Living in a world of hypothetical theoreticals and theoretical supposition is a lonely place to die -- particularly when we're on the brink of The Iraq everywhere such as.
As we've seen in the past -- and as we'll discover in the future -- Miss Teen South Carolina was incoherent ... but she'll prove to be 11 times more coherent than anybody on "Baseball Tonight."
b
Those "Baseball Tonight" eggheads spent today tryin' to convince America that Dodger southpaw Curtain Coleslaw or Kerton Clayshaw (or whatever the frick his name is) might be something greater in Dodger lore than the Second Coming of Doug Rau.
When it's Show Buckwalter or Tony Perez's mushmouth kid talkin' 'bout the new pitching messiah (or Dave Winfield -- who's spent all season adding nuthin' other than super-obvious observations ... or Reformed Sex Addict STEVE PHILLIPS), we see their lips moving, but all we hear is:
"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, somma people out there in our nation that don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as South Africa and, uh, The Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe that they should, uh, our education OVER HERE in the U.S. should help the U.S. or, er, should help South Africa and should help The Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our [[[[ INAUDIBLE >>> ]]]] children ..."
As per Buster Olney, well ... he should know better.
Dude musta been under the influence of some powerful crystal meth which ESPN keeps on hand 'cuz he said something about how Curtain Koleslaw can carry a team on his back because quote-unquote "his stuff is electric."
It's difficult to see the logic in such a remark re: a pitcher who went 8-8 in 30 starts w/ 14 no-decisions, regardless of the fine, sub-3.00 ERA.
What's so electric about that?
How does that help South Africa and The Iraq everywhere such as?
In the ESPN paradigm, we're all better off when they ship in hockey expert Mary Belrose to offer his trademark cop-out of "(Team X) wanted it more."
When Mary Belrose is too busy waxing his mullet, Herb Kirkstreit is carted in for turbo-powered cliches, such as "on the offensive side of the ball" or "defensive side of the ball" ... or, if those fail, lettin' us know that (Player X) caught the ball at its highest point (meaning that Player X leaped 10 feet above the ground, extended his arms and caught the ball when it was 15-20 feet above the earth's surface).
To complete the circuit, Berman sez, "Thuh-Rayyyyyy-duzzzz!"
The thing is: Since Barry Melrose and Kirk Herbstreit and 77 percent of the "Baseball Tonight" crew are lazy pricks (you, too, jock-sniffin' Todd McShay), we need (topless) Miss Teen South Carolina more than ever to sort out this mess.
Seriously ... Buck Showfucker actually had the audacity to say "the Phillies have a good bench, blah blah blah ..." -- which, translated, means, "yes" ... Miss Teen South Carolina should be in the studio right now ... topless ... and tellin' us how the world works.
Listen up, Nathaniel ... the Phillies have knee-deep horrendousness on the bench, give or take a quality AB by Francisco or Dobbs twice a month.
Matt Stairs battin' .082 since July 1 does not constitute "a good bench" -- and god-only-knows what Bruntlett and Bako have up their sleeves if called on in a pinch.
Of all the lazy shitheads who didn't do their homework, it was actually Krukkie who told us that Ryan Howard batted only .107 vs. L.A. this season ... and then he told us why.
However, the ONLY reason why the Phils beat L.A. last year was because Derek Lowe could not protect 2-run leads in each of his two starts and Chad Billingsley's command was zilch in his two starts.
If anyone bothered to look at the stats (or, what the heck, actually watch the '08 NLCS), it WASN'T about the Dodgers being too reliant on Manny (Kemp and Loney each batted better than .300 in the series).
And, the Phillies winning a series IS NOT contingent on Rollins and Victorino getting on base and creating havoc (as proved by J-Rol and the Flyin' Hawaiian batting a combined .180 -- 7 for 39 -- in last year's NLCS).
Living in a world of hypothetical theoreticals and theoretical supposition is a lonely place to die -- particularly when we're on the brink of The Iraq everywhere such as.
As we've seen in the past -- and as we'll discover in the future -- Miss Teen South Carolina was incoherent ... but she'll prove to be 11 times more coherent than anybody on "Baseball Tonight."
b
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Phillie NLDS Game 2 FAQs
The 76 extra fans which were shoehorned into The Cit today -- surpassing yesterday's stadium record of 46,452 -- should've chanted for a curtain call from all of their Phillie action heroes after Shane Victorino's soft liner landed softly in Clint Barmes' glove for the game's final out.
OH, YEAH? WHY'ZAT?
'Cuz unless the Fightin's earn a split in mile-high Colorado over the weekend, today was the final game at The Cit for 2009 (which isn't that bad, all things considered, given that the radiance of '08 will keep us warm for many winters to come, et cetera ... )
IS THE IMPLICATION HERE THAT PEDRO AND BLANTON MIGHT NOT GET IT DONE DURING THAT SNOWBALL FIGHT SAT./SUN IN DENVER -- AND, THUS, CLIFF LEE WON'T BE STARTING IN GAME 5 BEFORE A RECORD CROWD OF 45,600-PLUS AT THE CIT?
Yes ... that is the implication.
IS THAT BECAUSE SOMEBODY NAMED DEXTER FOWLER WAS A ONE-MAN WRECKING CREW TODAY?
Exactly. Dex had that sac bunt in the 1st which got somebody named Gonzalez to 3rd base for Helton's 27-foot, RBI tapper. Then, Dex broke everybody's hearts with that sac fly to LF before re-breaking everybody's heart with that sac fly to RF for the final Rocky run.
HOW MANY TIMES IN 12 YRS. DIDJA GO TO THE ROCKY RUN AT THE 175/DOBBIN ROAD JUNCTION BEFORE IT WENT OUTTA BUSINESS?
Three ... maybe four.
WHAT WENT WRONG THERE? THAT PLACE ALWAYS SEEMED TO BE DOING WELL.
Perhaps it was the Dept. of Health which had the final say.
SPEAKING OF 'WHAT WENT WRONG,' DIDN'T COLBERT'S BODY LANGUAGE SEEM ENTIRELY MESSED-UP TODAY?
It's been wrong ever since the day that GM Biology Major didn't pull the trigger on that "Hamels For Halladay" (straight-up!) deal on July 31. Colbert Hamels -- some of us call him "Colbert" (maybe as a tribute to the way that nobody ever called Colbert Dale "Toby" Harrah by his given first name) -- continued his usual '09 trend of looking "off-kilter," particularly when that Torrealba guy (the Mrs. mistakenly called him "Telemundo" yesterday ... not long after she asked, "Who names their kid 'Yorvit'?" -- to which the comeback was, "Who names their kid 'Spillborghs'?") ... wait ... where were we?
COLBERT VS. YORVIT ... OR HAMELS FOR HALLADAY, STRAIGHT UP. WAIT A SECOND ... THE JAYS NEVER WOULDA BIT ON THAT DEAL, WOULD THEY HAVE?
Sure they would've. Initially, we read all about how the Jays might deal Halladay, if the Phils put together a package of Happ, Drabek and/or prized outfield prospects Michael Taylor and/or Dominic Brown. After GM Biology Major shipped pitchers Carlos Carrasco and Jason Knapp, shortstop Jason David and catcher Lou Marson to Cleveland for Cliff Lee and Ben Francisco, he still had ammo to get Halladay.
WHO EXACTLY?
Hamels ... "the established star" (wink, wink). For those of us who KNEW that Hamels would go from 7-5 at the trade deadline to 3-6 during his final 12 regular-season starts, this was a sucker deal. GM Biology Major could've held onto the youngsters and dumped the P who has years n' years ahead of 12-10, 11-11, 13-12, 12-12, 11-12, 12-12, 13-11, and acquired Halladay, even if he has only five or six more 15-7 seasons left in the tank.
WHAT IF THE JAYS HAD BALKED AT THE "STRAIGHT-UP" PART?
No biggie ... toss in the proverbial "players to be named later" -- y'know, guys such as catcher Tuffy Gosewisch (.218 / 3 / 34 playin' for mgr. Razor Shines' Clearwater Threshers last season) or maybe even the newly-acquired Ben Francisco.
Don't get all whiny and pissy ... be creative ...
NOW COLBERT IS PHILLY'S PROBLEM FOR THE NEXT (x) YEARS. GOODY GUMDROPS (OR "FRICKIN'-A") ...
Halladay wouldn't have served up a big, ol' lollipop which Orbit Telemundo could jack into the LF seats.
Alas, we cannot lament about the pitchers we don't have ... but, we can make sure that Colbert never replaces Arnulfo "Nino" Espinosa's name as the No. 35 on the All-Time Phillies Roster which exists in here (pointing to head, where the brain dwells) and in here (pointing to chest, where the heart beats).
SHOULD WE BOTHER TO SPEND THE NEXT (x) YEARS WONDERING WHAT COLBERT'S PROBLEM IS (aside from the fact that baseballreference.com has his name as Cole Michael Hamels and not "Colbert")???
No need -- 'cuz, bascially, deep down, Colbert knows that none of us really has any faith in him. The guy was 0-2/8.38 in those final two regular-season starts before today (both at home ... vs. Hou. and Fla.). And, aside from the 3-0, CG masterpiece at L.A. and the 1-0 gem vs. Frisco, he's been a big pile of Not King Cole this season. In fact, most of what he did this year can best be categorized as either Ruffinish or Carmanesque.
AREN'T WE REQUIRED, BY LAW, TO CUT NOT-KING-COLE SOME SLACK BECAUSE OF LAST YEAR'S POSTSEASON AND BECAUSE HEIDI, AT ANY MOMENT NOW, WILL SQUEEZE OUT OF HER UTERUS A BABY WHO'LL RECEIVE A VERRRRRRY LAME-O NAME, SUCH AS 'MADISON' OR 'CASSIDY' OR 'CONNER' OR 'MADISON' OR 'COLBERTINA'?
Ethically ... "yes." Legally? "No fuckin' way."
The good neighbor policy applies only to State Farm.
"Get the fuckin' lead out, Ace!"
There's nuthin' in the rules about some sort of 3-yr. grace period for postseason glory. And, as per expectant fathers, Cholly shoulda pulled the kid aside and told him that the cut-off date for banging is Dec. 31, so as to avoid Oct. "due dates." Seriously ... that's piss-poor planning.
Also ... if Hammels For Halladay had happened, the Phils would have only Heidi Dobbs as a Phillie Wife Named Heidi ... which is OK, 'cuz she's miles better lookin' than the Heidi who should be giving birth at a Toronto hospital at any time now (if she's not on a Waiting Room waiting list ... it's Canada, don'tcha know ... ).
WHAT WAS THE BIG YOKEL'S BIG IDEA, TROTTING OUT EVERYBODY ON THE PITCHING STAFF -- AND NOT TROTTING CLAY CONDREY OUT THERE TO OFFER HIS UNIQUE CONDREYISTIC BRILLIANCE TO THE FRAY?
That was weird ... kinda like an open tryout out there.
"Here, Joe Blanton ... get yer ass out there. Here, Brett Myers, give 'er a whirl!"
The Blanton Bullpen Experiment (one relief appearance -- w/ the A's -- since his rookie season of '04) looked kinda shaky ... and Myers has looked wobbly ever since he had that one horrific outing vs. the Mets on that FOX Saturday game. Condrey, on the other hand (after missing almost 2 full mos. on the DL), pitched very well in his 9 apps. during the Phils' final 16 gms. (a whopping 5 IP, but 0 ER). The "Manuel Mix N' Match Program" looks real hodge-podge at best ... particularly when Myers got yanked for Antonio Bastardo, the rookie who'd pitched one inning since his five interesting starts in June (2-3/6.75).
THAT WAS INSANE. CHOLLY YANKED A VETERAN (MYERS) TO INSERT A ROOKIE FOR HIS LEFTY-VS.-LEFTY MATCHUP (SINCE HE'D ALREADY USED HAPP AND EYRE). EXPLAIN THAT.
Ya can't. But, son of a bitch ... The Big Bastard vs. The Giambino worked out in the Phils' favour when an un-HGH'ed Giambino whiffed.
IN RETROSPECT, MAYBE WE SHOULD BE THANKFUL THAT VICTORINO'S SOFT LINER LANDED GENTLY IN BARMES' GLOVE BECAUSE IF THE BALL HAD ELUDED BARMES, THERE'D'VE BEEN A PLAY AT THE PLATE -- AND PINCH-RUNNER CLIFF LEE MIGHT'VE GOTTEN RACKED UP.
Deploying Cliff Lee as a pinch-runner ... another prime example of how ineffective the Phillies' bench has been all year. Matt Stairs has been USELESS, but he -- like Cole Hamels and Brad Lidge -- are ridin' high on the fumes of 2008.
STAIRS' NUMBERS THIS YEAR WERE GRUESOME -- BUT, YOU'LL STILL FIND IDIOTS HOLDING UP DORKY, HANDMADE SIGNS WHICH READ: "In Case Of Emergency, Use Stairs."
Apparently, we're supposed to have a parade down Main Street every day for Matt Stairs just because of that one swing at Dodger Stadium on that GROOVED fastball from Broxton. FYI: Since July 1, Stairs batted .082 -- and he went ohhh-for-30 from the time he hit that homer in the wild win over the Pirates 'til his grand slam vs. the Nats. And, he got to bat cleanup on Fan Appreciation Day, going 0x4 w/ 3 Ks.
HOPEFULLY, HE'LL BE BACK NEXT YEAR TO PROVIDE VITAL "LEADERSHIP."
And to allow pitchers to "get involved" with pinch-running assignments. You'd think that if we're not going to see Clay Condrey in middle relief, we'd at least get to see him try to score from second on a soft single to RF.
On second thought, save the $$$ -- and when it's time for a pinch-hitter, keep Stairs in the dugout wearing his short-sleeve batting shirt. Seriously, didja see the way that Cliff Lee has swung the bat since arriving in Philly?
There's some real raw talent there.
TODAY WAS A REAL SETBACK AFTER YESTERDAY'S CLIFF LEE MASTERPIECE, WASN'T IT?.
It definitely woulda looked nicer with a Halladay W and a 2-0 series lead heading West.
ON TOP OF THAT, WE PROBABLY WON'T AGAIN SEE RYAN HOWARD WEARING THOSE FUNKY ADIDAS SHOES HE WAS WEARING THE PAST TWO DAYS W/ THE PHILLIE RETRO ATTIRE WHICH THEY WEAR FOR DAY GAMES.
Right now, let's just wait n' see what the team can do in sno-cone conditions ... and if Ryan Howard will be wearing any style of cleat after this weekend ...
b
OH, YEAH? WHY'ZAT?
'Cuz unless the Fightin's earn a split in mile-high Colorado over the weekend, today was the final game at The Cit for 2009 (which isn't that bad, all things considered, given that the radiance of '08 will keep us warm for many winters to come, et cetera ... )
IS THE IMPLICATION HERE THAT PEDRO AND BLANTON MIGHT NOT GET IT DONE DURING THAT SNOWBALL FIGHT SAT./SUN IN DENVER -- AND, THUS, CLIFF LEE WON'T BE STARTING IN GAME 5 BEFORE A RECORD CROWD OF 45,600-PLUS AT THE CIT?
Yes ... that is the implication.
IS THAT BECAUSE SOMEBODY NAMED DEXTER FOWLER WAS A ONE-MAN WRECKING CREW TODAY?
Exactly. Dex had that sac bunt in the 1st which got somebody named Gonzalez to 3rd base for Helton's 27-foot, RBI tapper. Then, Dex broke everybody's hearts with that sac fly to LF before re-breaking everybody's heart with that sac fly to RF for the final Rocky run.
HOW MANY TIMES IN 12 YRS. DIDJA GO TO THE ROCKY RUN AT THE 175/DOBBIN ROAD JUNCTION BEFORE IT WENT OUTTA BUSINESS?
Three ... maybe four.
WHAT WENT WRONG THERE? THAT PLACE ALWAYS SEEMED TO BE DOING WELL.
Perhaps it was the Dept. of Health which had the final say.
SPEAKING OF 'WHAT WENT WRONG,' DIDN'T COLBERT'S BODY LANGUAGE SEEM ENTIRELY MESSED-UP TODAY?
It's been wrong ever since the day that GM Biology Major didn't pull the trigger on that "Hamels For Halladay" (straight-up!) deal on July 31. Colbert Hamels -- some of us call him "Colbert" (maybe as a tribute to the way that nobody ever called Colbert Dale "Toby" Harrah by his given first name) -- continued his usual '09 trend of looking "off-kilter," particularly when that Torrealba guy (the Mrs. mistakenly called him "Telemundo" yesterday ... not long after she asked, "Who names their kid 'Yorvit'?" -- to which the comeback was, "Who names their kid 'Spillborghs'?") ... wait ... where were we?
COLBERT VS. YORVIT ... OR HAMELS FOR HALLADAY, STRAIGHT UP. WAIT A SECOND ... THE JAYS NEVER WOULDA BIT ON THAT DEAL, WOULD THEY HAVE?
Sure they would've. Initially, we read all about how the Jays might deal Halladay, if the Phils put together a package of Happ, Drabek and/or prized outfield prospects Michael Taylor and/or Dominic Brown. After GM Biology Major shipped pitchers Carlos Carrasco and Jason Knapp, shortstop Jason David and catcher Lou Marson to Cleveland for Cliff Lee and Ben Francisco, he still had ammo to get Halladay.
WHO EXACTLY?
Hamels ... "the established star" (wink, wink). For those of us who KNEW that Hamels would go from 7-5 at the trade deadline to 3-6 during his final 12 regular-season starts, this was a sucker deal. GM Biology Major could've held onto the youngsters and dumped the P who has years n' years ahead of 12-10, 11-11, 13-12, 12-12, 11-12, 12-12, 13-11, and acquired Halladay, even if he has only five or six more 15-7 seasons left in the tank.
WHAT IF THE JAYS HAD BALKED AT THE "STRAIGHT-UP" PART?
No biggie ... toss in the proverbial "players to be named later" -- y'know, guys such as catcher Tuffy Gosewisch (.218 / 3 / 34 playin' for mgr. Razor Shines' Clearwater Threshers last season) or maybe even the newly-acquired Ben Francisco.
Don't get all whiny and pissy ... be creative ...
NOW COLBERT IS PHILLY'S PROBLEM FOR THE NEXT (x) YEARS. GOODY GUMDROPS (OR "FRICKIN'-A") ...
Halladay wouldn't have served up a big, ol' lollipop which Orbit Telemundo could jack into the LF seats.
Alas, we cannot lament about the pitchers we don't have ... but, we can make sure that Colbert never replaces Arnulfo "Nino" Espinosa's name as the No. 35 on the All-Time Phillies Roster which exists in here (pointing to head, where the brain dwells) and in here (pointing to chest, where the heart beats).
SHOULD WE BOTHER TO SPEND THE NEXT (x) YEARS WONDERING WHAT COLBERT'S PROBLEM IS (aside from the fact that baseballreference.com has his name as Cole Michael Hamels and not "Colbert")???
No need -- 'cuz, bascially, deep down, Colbert knows that none of us really has any faith in him. The guy was 0-2/8.38 in those final two regular-season starts before today (both at home ... vs. Hou. and Fla.). And, aside from the 3-0, CG masterpiece at L.A. and the 1-0 gem vs. Frisco, he's been a big pile of Not King Cole this season. In fact, most of what he did this year can best be categorized as either Ruffinish or Carmanesque.
AREN'T WE REQUIRED, BY LAW, TO CUT NOT-KING-COLE SOME SLACK BECAUSE OF LAST YEAR'S POSTSEASON AND BECAUSE HEIDI, AT ANY MOMENT NOW, WILL SQUEEZE OUT OF HER UTERUS A BABY WHO'LL RECEIVE A VERRRRRRY LAME-O NAME, SUCH AS 'MADISON' OR 'CASSIDY' OR 'CONNER' OR 'MADISON' OR 'COLBERTINA'?
Ethically ... "yes." Legally? "No fuckin' way."
The good neighbor policy applies only to State Farm.
"Get the fuckin' lead out, Ace!"
There's nuthin' in the rules about some sort of 3-yr. grace period for postseason glory. And, as per expectant fathers, Cholly shoulda pulled the kid aside and told him that the cut-off date for banging is Dec. 31, so as to avoid Oct. "due dates." Seriously ... that's piss-poor planning.
Also ... if Hammels For Halladay had happened, the Phils would have only Heidi Dobbs as a Phillie Wife Named Heidi ... which is OK, 'cuz she's miles better lookin' than the Heidi who should be giving birth at a Toronto hospital at any time now (if she's not on a Waiting Room waiting list ... it's Canada, don'tcha know ... ).
WHAT WAS THE BIG YOKEL'S BIG IDEA, TROTTING OUT EVERYBODY ON THE PITCHING STAFF -- AND NOT TROTTING CLAY CONDREY OUT THERE TO OFFER HIS UNIQUE CONDREYISTIC BRILLIANCE TO THE FRAY?
That was weird ... kinda like an open tryout out there.
"Here, Joe Blanton ... get yer ass out there. Here, Brett Myers, give 'er a whirl!"
The Blanton Bullpen Experiment (one relief appearance -- w/ the A's -- since his rookie season of '04) looked kinda shaky ... and Myers has looked wobbly ever since he had that one horrific outing vs. the Mets on that FOX Saturday game. Condrey, on the other hand (after missing almost 2 full mos. on the DL), pitched very well in his 9 apps. during the Phils' final 16 gms. (a whopping 5 IP, but 0 ER). The "Manuel Mix N' Match Program" looks real hodge-podge at best ... particularly when Myers got yanked for Antonio Bastardo, the rookie who'd pitched one inning since his five interesting starts in June (2-3/6.75).
THAT WAS INSANE. CHOLLY YANKED A VETERAN (MYERS) TO INSERT A ROOKIE FOR HIS LEFTY-VS.-LEFTY MATCHUP (SINCE HE'D ALREADY USED HAPP AND EYRE). EXPLAIN THAT.
Ya can't. But, son of a bitch ... The Big Bastard vs. The Giambino worked out in the Phils' favour when an un-HGH'ed Giambino whiffed.
IN RETROSPECT, MAYBE WE SHOULD BE THANKFUL THAT VICTORINO'S SOFT LINER LANDED GENTLY IN BARMES' GLOVE BECAUSE IF THE BALL HAD ELUDED BARMES, THERE'D'VE BEEN A PLAY AT THE PLATE -- AND PINCH-RUNNER CLIFF LEE MIGHT'VE GOTTEN RACKED UP.
Deploying Cliff Lee as a pinch-runner ... another prime example of how ineffective the Phillies' bench has been all year. Matt Stairs has been USELESS, but he -- like Cole Hamels and Brad Lidge -- are ridin' high on the fumes of 2008.
STAIRS' NUMBERS THIS YEAR WERE GRUESOME -- BUT, YOU'LL STILL FIND IDIOTS HOLDING UP DORKY, HANDMADE SIGNS WHICH READ: "In Case Of Emergency, Use Stairs."
Apparently, we're supposed to have a parade down Main Street every day for Matt Stairs just because of that one swing at Dodger Stadium on that GROOVED fastball from Broxton. FYI: Since July 1, Stairs batted .082 -- and he went ohhh-for-30 from the time he hit that homer in the wild win over the Pirates 'til his grand slam vs. the Nats. And, he got to bat cleanup on Fan Appreciation Day, going 0x4 w/ 3 Ks.
HOPEFULLY, HE'LL BE BACK NEXT YEAR TO PROVIDE VITAL "LEADERSHIP."
And to allow pitchers to "get involved" with pinch-running assignments. You'd think that if we're not going to see Clay Condrey in middle relief, we'd at least get to see him try to score from second on a soft single to RF.
On second thought, save the $$$ -- and when it's time for a pinch-hitter, keep Stairs in the dugout wearing his short-sleeve batting shirt. Seriously, didja see the way that Cliff Lee has swung the bat since arriving in Philly?
There's some real raw talent there.
TODAY WAS A REAL SETBACK AFTER YESTERDAY'S CLIFF LEE MASTERPIECE, WASN'T IT?.
It definitely woulda looked nicer with a Halladay W and a 2-0 series lead heading West.
ON TOP OF THAT, WE PROBABLY WON'T AGAIN SEE RYAN HOWARD WEARING THOSE FUNKY ADIDAS SHOES HE WAS WEARING THE PAST TWO DAYS W/ THE PHILLIE RETRO ATTIRE WHICH THEY WEAR FOR DAY GAMES.
Right now, let's just wait n' see what the team can do in sno-cone conditions ... and if Ryan Howard will be wearing any style of cleat after this weekend ...
b
Thursday, September 10, 2009
SteelTown Justice Served in NFL Opener & Gala)
666 666 666 6666 6666 ==== ===== SINCE THE NFL GAME DIDN'T KICK OFF UNTIL 8:30, SHOULDN'T WE DISCUSS HOW AMERICA SAW SOME HISTORY MADE DURING THE Coll.FB APPETIZER OVER ON THE DISNEYLAND FOOTBALL CHANNEL?
Definitely ... although America probably hasn't stopped buzzing about how, on Mon. nite, it was the Miami PK in shiny green cleats vs. the FSU PK wearing gold slippers and then -- tonite! -- we witnessed another Football First when we noticed that G-Tech QB Jonathan Nesbitt was wearing a Plexiglas shield on his facemask and so was Clemson QB Kyle Parker.
THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE, HAS IT?
"QB shield vs. QB shield"?
It's never happened on the college level ... and certainly not in prime time. The only other time it MIGHT have occurred was back in the early '90s when Dan McGwire of the Seahawks might've played against Jim McMahon of the Eagles. What wouldss dddkkskk kkdkdks QB shield vs. QB shield.
Turns out that the TWO in 32 looked like (below, L) rather than the (below, R), which is the kind that we practiced drawing in math class (or social studies) when we weren't staring over at Lisa (or Renee).
. . . . 22222 . . . . . . . . . . . . 222222
. . . 2222222 . . . . . . . . . .222222222
. . 222 . .. 222 . . . . . . . 222 . . . . 2222
. . 222 . . . 222 . . . . . . .222 . . . . 2222
. . . . . . . 222 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2222
. . . . . .. 222 . . . . . . . . . . .222222222
. . . . .. 222 . . . . . . . . . . .22222222
. . . . 222 . . . . . . . . . . 222 . . . . . . . . .
. . 2222 . . . .22 . . . . . 222 . . . . . .222
.. 2222 . . . .22 . . . . . . 222 . . . . . .222
.. 22222222222 . . . . .. 2222222222222
. 22222222222 . . . . . . 2222222222222
It was so embarrassing . /e//eee
eewewww
Definitely ... although America probably hasn't stopped buzzing about how, on Mon. nite, it was the Miami PK in shiny green cleats vs. the FSU PK wearing gold slippers and then -- tonite! -- we witnessed another Football First when we noticed that G-Tech QB Jonathan Nesbitt was wearing a Plexiglas shield on his facemask and so was Clemson QB Kyle Parker.
THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE, HAS IT?
"QB shield vs. QB shield"?
It's never happened on the college level ... and certainly not in prime time. The only other time it MIGHT have occurred was back in the early '90s when Dan McGwire of the Seahawks might've played against Jim McMahon of the Eagles. What wouldss dddkkskk kkdkdks QB shield vs. QB shield.
Turns out that the TWO in 32 looked like (below, L) rather than the (below, R), which is the kind that we practiced drawing in math class (or social studies) when we weren't staring over at Lisa (or Renee).
. . . . 22222 . . . . . . . . . . . . 222222
. . . 2222222 . . . . . . . . . .222222222
. . 222 . .. 222 . . . . . . . 222 . . . . 2222
. . 222 . . . 222 . . . . . . .222 . . . . 2222
. . . . . . . 222 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2222
. . . . . .. 222 . . . . . . . . . . .222222222
. . . . .. 222 . . . . . . . . . . .22222222
. . . . 222 . . . . . . . . . . 222 . . . . . . . . .
. . 2222 . . . .22 . . . . . 222 . . . . . .222
.. 2222 . . . .22 . . . . . . 222 . . . . . .222
.. 22222222222 . . . . .. 2222222222222
. 22222222222 . . . . . . 2222222222222
It was so embarrassing . /e//eee
eewewww
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Fightin's Victimize Some Guy Named "Clipboard"
Thanks to Werth and Feliz goin' back-to-back to open the 8th (snapping the 4-4 tie) -- and with another shaky bullpen episode -- the Phils, once again, held on for a narrow victory over The MLB's Class-AAA affiliate on the bank of the Anacostia River.
For those of us who followed the action on-line, then watched the ballgame later on "Nats Encore" on Comcast, the synapses are firing.
GODDAMN, DID WERTH FRICKIN' CRUSH THAT BALL TO DEAD CENTER OR WHAT?
No doubt ... THAT was a fuckin' warhead. It achieved "Mammoth Blast Status."
STILL, WHAT IS IT ABOUT WERTH'S SWING WHICH PUZZLES US SO?
Mechanically, it's a mess. He looks like he's using a shovel to hit a two-handed tennis backhand.
REMEMBER HOW WE DOGGED BURRELL FOR ALL THOSE YEARS ... HOW HE HAD THAT EXAGGERATED, ONE-HANDED "OLE!" FINISH?
Exactly. When Werth follows through, he looks as tangled up as Bake McBride or Von Hayes did when they swung and missed. Burrell was a little different since he had a hitting-area red zone which was the size of a postage stamp. Which is why he was/is a .255-or-whatever career hitter. Werth, like Burrell, is patient (JW, we think, still leads The MLB in "pitches per AB"), so he will wait on a pitch to crush (which he oftentimes gets). Since he doesn't have a quick bat, he's not going to foul off many 2-strike pitches. But, if he's up 2-0 or 3-1 in the count ... look out.
SO, IS HE BETTER THAN PAT THE BUNNY?
God, yes. He's fleet, he's a nifty fielder, it doesn't require consecutive ground-rule doubles to score him from third ... He might not average upper-20 HRs for the next 7 seasons, but he's more werth-while than Burrell ever was.
WASN'T IT SAD THAT A PITCHER NAMED "CLIPBOARD" WAS VICTIMIZED SO THOROUGHLY, ESPECIALLY BY FELIZ?
Not at all. Clipboard's just another juco pitcher tryin' to survive on The MLB level.
DIBBLE SPENT A LOT OF TIME WASTING HIS BREATH ON PITCHING STRATEGIES DURING THE FIRST THREE INNINGS AS THE PHILS WERE PECKING GARRETT MOCK (WHOEVER HE IS) TO DEATH.
Baseball is overwrought by that nowadays -- ex-players, ex-GMs w/ sex addictions, etc. trapped between the gravitational pull of the planets Theoretica and Hypothetica. A douche such as Dibble kills viewers brain cells by reciting the do's and don'ts of some antiquated pitching guidelines.
SO, THE "DO THIS, DON'T DO THAT" GUIDELINES ARE NOT THE PROPER METHOD?
Not when ya ain't got no stuff. Look ... the mental approach can be massaged to death in a rules-n'-regulations paradigm. "Get yer breaking ball over to set up the fastball ... " "Work up and down and in n' out ... " "Get ahead of the hitters ... " "Throw yer fastball for strikes to set-up the off-speed stuff ..." IT'S ALL GARBAGE. Guys like Garrett Mock and Tyler Clipboard will always have ERAs in the 5.00 and 6.00 range because they have one good fastball out of every 7 thrown (by "good" we mean "movement ... late action ... tailing ... always tailing ... "). Preaching "The Rules of Pitching" to these guys is like handing the baseball to your niece and saying, "Heather (unless her name is Caitlin) trust yer stuff and get this guy out, OK?"
THEN, WHAT WE'RE SAYING HERE IS THAT GARRETT MOCK AND THAT CLIPBOARD GUY ARE NO BETTER THAN A NIECE NAMED HEATHER OR POSSIBLY CAITLIN?
Precisely. Every time those P's retire a batter, the Nats should throw a frickin' parade down Main Street. The raw talent simply isn't there. It isn't for a lot of pitchers. Lookit Brad Penny.
YEAH, WHAT WAS UP WITH THAT GUY SPENDING AUGUST TOSSIN' SLOP TOWARD THE PLATE FOR THE BOSOX ... THEN HE GOES TO THE GIANTS, COMES INTO PHILLY AND THROWS 8 SHUTOUT INNINGS LAST WEEK?
Well, he is a former All-Star ... but, the only thing that the initials "B.P." stood for in Boston, was the in-game "batting practice" that Penny was pitchin'. He, obviously, relocated "his stuff" and, apparently, his confidence (or some floor wax to huff before the game).
ISN'T THAT AN OVERSIMPLIFICATION?
It certainly is, Stanley. But, Dibble's just as dismissive when he's tellin' us that the correct mental approach makes pitching pretty easy. The complex nature of mental makeup and physical tools is why guys who clock 100 MPH and guys who drive a truck for a living have exactly the same number of "quality starts" -- zero.
b
For those of us who followed the action on-line, then watched the ballgame later on "Nats Encore" on Comcast, the synapses are firing.
GODDAMN, DID WERTH FRICKIN' CRUSH THAT BALL TO DEAD CENTER OR WHAT?
No doubt ... THAT was a fuckin' warhead. It achieved "Mammoth Blast Status."
STILL, WHAT IS IT ABOUT WERTH'S SWING WHICH PUZZLES US SO?
Mechanically, it's a mess. He looks like he's using a shovel to hit a two-handed tennis backhand.
REMEMBER HOW WE DOGGED BURRELL FOR ALL THOSE YEARS ... HOW HE HAD THAT EXAGGERATED, ONE-HANDED "OLE!" FINISH?
Exactly. When Werth follows through, he looks as tangled up as Bake McBride or Von Hayes did when they swung and missed. Burrell was a little different since he had a hitting-area red zone which was the size of a postage stamp. Which is why he was/is a .255-or-whatever career hitter. Werth, like Burrell, is patient (JW, we think, still leads The MLB in "pitches per AB"), so he will wait on a pitch to crush (which he oftentimes gets). Since he doesn't have a quick bat, he's not going to foul off many 2-strike pitches. But, if he's up 2-0 or 3-1 in the count ... look out.
SO, IS HE BETTER THAN PAT THE BUNNY?
God, yes. He's fleet, he's a nifty fielder, it doesn't require consecutive ground-rule doubles to score him from third ... He might not average upper-20 HRs for the next 7 seasons, but he's more werth-while than Burrell ever was.
WASN'T IT SAD THAT A PITCHER NAMED "CLIPBOARD" WAS VICTIMIZED SO THOROUGHLY, ESPECIALLY BY FELIZ?
Not at all. Clipboard's just another juco pitcher tryin' to survive on The MLB level.
DIBBLE SPENT A LOT OF TIME WASTING HIS BREATH ON PITCHING STRATEGIES DURING THE FIRST THREE INNINGS AS THE PHILS WERE PECKING GARRETT MOCK (WHOEVER HE IS) TO DEATH.
Baseball is overwrought by that nowadays -- ex-players, ex-GMs w/ sex addictions, etc. trapped between the gravitational pull of the planets Theoretica and Hypothetica. A douche such as Dibble kills viewers brain cells by reciting the do's and don'ts of some antiquated pitching guidelines.
SO, THE "DO THIS, DON'T DO THAT" GUIDELINES ARE NOT THE PROPER METHOD?
Not when ya ain't got no stuff. Look ... the mental approach can be massaged to death in a rules-n'-regulations paradigm. "Get yer breaking ball over to set up the fastball ... " "Work up and down and in n' out ... " "Get ahead of the hitters ... " "Throw yer fastball for strikes to set-up the off-speed stuff ..." IT'S ALL GARBAGE. Guys like Garrett Mock and Tyler Clipboard will always have ERAs in the 5.00 and 6.00 range because they have one good fastball out of every 7 thrown (by "good" we mean "movement ... late action ... tailing ... always tailing ... "). Preaching "The Rules of Pitching" to these guys is like handing the baseball to your niece and saying, "Heather (unless her name is Caitlin) trust yer stuff and get this guy out, OK?"
THEN, WHAT WE'RE SAYING HERE IS THAT GARRETT MOCK AND THAT CLIPBOARD GUY ARE NO BETTER THAN A NIECE NAMED HEATHER OR POSSIBLY CAITLIN?
Precisely. Every time those P's retire a batter, the Nats should throw a frickin' parade down Main Street. The raw talent simply isn't there. It isn't for a lot of pitchers. Lookit Brad Penny.
YEAH, WHAT WAS UP WITH THAT GUY SPENDING AUGUST TOSSIN' SLOP TOWARD THE PLATE FOR THE BOSOX ... THEN HE GOES TO THE GIANTS, COMES INTO PHILLY AND THROWS 8 SHUTOUT INNINGS LAST WEEK?
Well, he is a former All-Star ... but, the only thing that the initials "B.P." stood for in Boston, was the in-game "batting practice" that Penny was pitchin'. He, obviously, relocated "his stuff" and, apparently, his confidence (or some floor wax to huff before the game).
ISN'T THAT AN OVERSIMPLIFICATION?
It certainly is, Stanley. But, Dibble's just as dismissive when he's tellin' us that the correct mental approach makes pitching pretty easy. The complex nature of mental makeup and physical tools is why guys who clock 100 MPH and guys who drive a truck for a living have exactly the same number of "quality starts" -- zero.
b
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
The Most-Powerful 010203040506070809 Ever!
Normally, birthdays are so trite and passe -- except for today.
Because today's symbolism of Biblical import has made it more than merely a birthday which I share w/ luminaries such as JACK LAMBERT (tied w/ Willie Lanier as NFL's best MLB ever ... sorry, Mr. Butkus -- and "get bent," Ray Lewis), KEVIN BACON (star of the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon phenomenon), LERRIN LaGROW (known more for being the target of the bat which Campy Campaneris helicoptered his way during the '72 playoffs rather than the 8-19 record for the Tigers in '74 or 7-14 mark for the Tigers in '75, not to mention the 0-2 blight on the '80 World Champion Phillies' record) and JOAN OSBORNE (although we were born on the same day in 1962, I don't listen to her music and she doesn't read this weblog, so there!).
Anyway, at exactly 3.040506 seconds past 1:02 A.M. on this day -- and, I do mean at EGG-ZAKK-LEE (as in "precisely") 3.040506 seconds -- as well as at exactly 3.04050506 seconds past 1:02 P.M., the actual Earth Time on the actual Earth Scoreboard will read: 01:02.03.040506 on 07/08/09.
That's not a typo or an optical illusion ... it's a binary equation (whatever a binary equation is) which reads a mind-blowing 010203040506070809 -- and that's a helluva lot more-powerful cosmic force than what'll happen next year when it's 10.10 seconds past 10-after-10 on Oct. 10th.
101010101010 ...
How trivial.
What's happening today kinda makes ya wanna go out and buy a giant HAPPY 010203040506070809, EARTH!! balloon and carry it proudly as you walk about the dusty streets of this neighborhood which God has forsaken, doesn't it?
As it stands, 010203040506070809 is the only thing that some of us have to hang onto ever since the Mrs. refused to wait 11 mos. to get married, thus denying us the symbolic (and probably Biblical) 9/9/99 wedding day with the accompanying 09/09/09 10th wedding anniversary.
Some wives never understand -- and, besides, 010203040506070809 looks/sounds/feels a lot more cool than what'll occur two months from now (at 9.0909090909 seconds past 9:09 AM and 9:09 PM on Sept. 9 when the EarthClock/EarthCalendar will coincide with a significant 090909090909090909090909090909.
Whaddya mean, "big deal"???
When it's 2 1/4 yrs from now and it's 11.111111 seconds past 11:11 in the morning and/or evening, there'll be dozens of 111111111111111111111111111'ers out there (and 9999999999999'ers) who'll be WISHIN' they were as cool as 010203040506070809.
Which is why we're celebratin' today -- 'cuz we can't remember if we were this jubilant or cosmos-aware at 4-and-a-half seconds past 1:23 in the morning and/or afternoon on June 7, 1989 when the Giant EARTH Register logged an official 0123456789. Which won't happen again until June 7, 2089 when it's 0123456789 all over again.
As we're all waitin' for the next 010203040506070809, which'll occur a little more than 30 yrs. (in 2109) after that next 123456789.
If Earth can survive that long ...
++++
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Draft Dodging '09
This could be almost as enjoyable as The GRT recap of what happens every time that chronic bedwetter (presumably) McShay or Kiper's Bouffant Hairdo opens his mouth [ 1) "This is what I learned in business school ... when I read about business school ... in a book ..." >>> 2) "George, you must exercise the gaskets!" >>> 3) "You talkin' to me? YOU ... talkin' ... to me?" (smiles ... looks at camera) "Pacino ... Raging Bull ..." ]
Goddamn, those were great moments in NFL Drafts past.
Now -- in the Stafford/Sanchez deluxe yawnfest -- every time McShay opens his mouth, all that comes out is, "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, somma people out there in our nation that don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as South Africa and, uh, The Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe that they should, uh, our education OVER HERE in the U.S. should help the U.S. or er should help South Africa and should help The Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our [INAUDIBLE >>>] children ..."
Seriously, how is McShay's analysis any more coherent, not to mention "on target"?
ANSWER: "It ain't." (Although it's not the same w/o Mario Lopez pulling the mike away and saying, "Thank you, South Carolina," as he steps back into the shadows.
For the umpteenth time, McShay's a fuckin' idiot who was hired to be one of the fuckin' morons in that Disneyland Sports Channel circus sideshow.
If McShay used a Donald Duck voice to offer his analysis, it would be the same as what we see/hear currently.
[NOTE: It seems like a fairly-educated guesstimate that McShay's only up-close-and-personal experience with "football" (presumably) was when he saw a naked football player in the locker room during high school and he didn't feel THAT guilty for staring -- and then there was that time in college when that cheerleader from two doors down was studying with a friend on the east wing of the dorm and, since she left her door unlocked, guess who wandered in and jacked off on her bedspread?]
Really ... aside from the fact that most waiters at Outback Steakhouse are 20 times more athletic and know more about the NFL (and tonight's specials!) than McShay, he's probably a really mediocre guy.
So, when Americans with a functioning brain wonder about The New Messiah, they might pull out their cue cards and ask, "Did this ordinary fuck ever make a big throw in a big game for Jo-Ja? Do we have to go all the way back to Tarkenton to find any Jo-Ja QB who ever did anything in the NFL? Didja know that a fourth-string Jo-Ja QB named Hines Ward had more yards passing in a bowl game -- 450, by the way -- than Stafford?"
All yer gonna git is, "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, somma people out there in our nation that don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as South Africa and, uh, The Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe that they should, uh, our education OVER HERE in the U.S. should help the U.S. or er should help South Africa and should help The Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our [INAUDIBLE >>>] children ..."
That's 'cuz The Shay don't know football.
Never did.
That's no reason for the guy with the sci-fi-movie hairdo (Kiper) to have a smirk on his face.
Just once, it might be fun if he reduced his cliches-per-answer to 38 (the best ever came a few years ago when he uttered, "Once the running game solidifies itself" -- which could not have been more-vague or more-tangetally obscure >>> meaning it was simply buzzword bullshit).
Since Mel is virtually impossible for Disneyland to fire (meaning that he haas this gig FOR LIFE), what would be wrong with some material which is a little more edgy.
Y'know, talkin' 'bout Sanchez in terms such as, "You look at a guy like Mark Sanchez ..." -- (EVERY Kiper thumbnail HAS to begin that way ... it's THE LAW!) -- and he reminds you of something in between an Elvis Grbac or a Mike Tomczak ... or, for you oldtimers out there, maybe something along the lines of a Milt Plum or a Gary Cuozzo ... it's gonna be fun to see what it's like the first time a linebacker rips off Sanchez's head and pisses down Mark's neck ... You think this guy is gonna do more in Jets green than Richard Todd? No fuckin' way. ... And, what about the last two Jets QBs to wear number 6? That's right ... Bubby Fuckin' Brister and Ray Lucas, kids ... Ohhh, but I'm sure QB guru Steve Clarkson did a bang-up job with Sanchez's mechanics ... some pussy who couldn't cut it with Saskatchewan in the CFL 25 years ago is gonna tell Sanch what it takes to succeed in the NFL, that makes a lotta fuckin' sense, doesn't it? ... either way, Sanch is gonna be extra mediocre in New York until Terrelle Pryor arrives, saves the organization and breaks most of Vince Young's NFL records ... oh, and, 'yeah' ... Sanch is likely to win a playoff game or two for Tampa Bay in '13 or '14 ... if he beats out Jimmy Clausen for the starting job ... and if H-back Tim Tebow can ever get healthy ..."
That duo is like a two-headed Fuck Herbstreit, THE all-time cliche ejaculator.
"Kirk, tell us about receivers who catch the ball AT ITS HIGHEST POINT ... 'cuz we really really really wanna know which receiver has a vertical leap of 80-100 inches, thereby allowing him to catch a pass which, AT ITS HIGHEST POINT, might be 16-18 feet above the playing field ... "
The correct term is "at the apex of one's leap" ...
The Niners got Crabtree?
Awesome!
J.J. Stokes, Part II!
It's some mighty severe dumbfuckology we've got goin' on there.
Not enough learning about the NFL ... by reading about it in a book ...
Not enough exercising of the gaskets ...
Maybe too much watchin' "Raging Bull" and wunderin' where Pacino is ...
b
Goddamn, those were great moments in NFL Drafts past.
Now -- in the Stafford/Sanchez deluxe yawnfest -- every time McShay opens his mouth, all that comes out is, "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, somma people out there in our nation that don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as South Africa and, uh, The Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe that they should, uh, our education OVER HERE in the U.S. should help the U.S. or er should help South Africa and should help The Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our [INAUDIBLE >>>] children ..."
Seriously, how is McShay's analysis any more coherent, not to mention "on target"?
ANSWER: "It ain't." (Although it's not the same w/o Mario Lopez pulling the mike away and saying, "Thank you, South Carolina," as he steps back into the shadows.
For the umpteenth time, McShay's a fuckin' idiot who was hired to be one of the fuckin' morons in that Disneyland Sports Channel circus sideshow.
If McShay used a Donald Duck voice to offer his analysis, it would be the same as what we see/hear currently.
[NOTE: It seems like a fairly-educated guesstimate that McShay's only up-close-and-personal experience with "football" (presumably) was when he saw a naked football player in the locker room during high school and he didn't feel THAT guilty for staring -- and then there was that time in college when that cheerleader from two doors down was studying with a friend on the east wing of the dorm and, since she left her door unlocked, guess who wandered in and jacked off on her bedspread?]
Really ... aside from the fact that most waiters at Outback Steakhouse are 20 times more athletic and know more about the NFL (and tonight's specials!) than McShay, he's probably a really mediocre guy.
So, when Americans with a functioning brain wonder about The New Messiah, they might pull out their cue cards and ask, "Did this ordinary fuck ever make a big throw in a big game for Jo-Ja? Do we have to go all the way back to Tarkenton to find any Jo-Ja QB who ever did anything in the NFL? Didja know that a fourth-string Jo-Ja QB named Hines Ward had more yards passing in a bowl game -- 450, by the way -- than Stafford?"
All yer gonna git is, "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, somma people out there in our nation that don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as South Africa and, uh, The Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe that they should, uh, our education OVER HERE in the U.S. should help the U.S. or er should help South Africa and should help The Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our [INAUDIBLE >>>] children ..."
That's 'cuz The Shay don't know football.
Never did.
That's no reason for the guy with the sci-fi-movie hairdo (Kiper) to have a smirk on his face.
Just once, it might be fun if he reduced his cliches-per-answer to 38 (the best ever came a few years ago when he uttered, "Once the running game solidifies itself" -- which could not have been more-vague or more-tangetally obscure >>> meaning it was simply buzzword bullshit).
Since Mel is virtually impossible for Disneyland to fire (meaning that he haas this gig FOR LIFE), what would be wrong with some material which is a little more edgy.
Y'know, talkin' 'bout Sanchez in terms such as, "You look at a guy like Mark Sanchez ..." -- (EVERY Kiper thumbnail HAS to begin that way ... it's THE LAW!) -- and he reminds you of something in between an Elvis Grbac or a Mike Tomczak ... or, for you oldtimers out there, maybe something along the lines of a Milt Plum or a Gary Cuozzo ... it's gonna be fun to see what it's like the first time a linebacker rips off Sanchez's head and pisses down Mark's neck ... You think this guy is gonna do more in Jets green than Richard Todd? No fuckin' way. ... And, what about the last two Jets QBs to wear number 6? That's right ... Bubby Fuckin' Brister and Ray Lucas, kids ... Ohhh, but I'm sure QB guru Steve Clarkson did a bang-up job with Sanchez's mechanics ... some pussy who couldn't cut it with Saskatchewan in the CFL 25 years ago is gonna tell Sanch what it takes to succeed in the NFL, that makes a lotta fuckin' sense, doesn't it? ... either way, Sanch is gonna be extra mediocre in New York until Terrelle Pryor arrives, saves the organization and breaks most of Vince Young's NFL records ... oh, and, 'yeah' ... Sanch is likely to win a playoff game or two for Tampa Bay in '13 or '14 ... if he beats out Jimmy Clausen for the starting job ... and if H-back Tim Tebow can ever get healthy ..."
That duo is like a two-headed Fuck Herbstreit, THE all-time cliche ejaculator.
"Kirk, tell us about receivers who catch the ball AT ITS HIGHEST POINT ... 'cuz we really really really wanna know which receiver has a vertical leap of 80-100 inches, thereby allowing him to catch a pass which, AT ITS HIGHEST POINT, might be 16-18 feet above the playing field ... "
The correct term is "at the apex of one's leap" ...
The Niners got Crabtree?
Awesome!
J.J. Stokes, Part II!
It's some mighty severe dumbfuckology we've got goin' on there.
Not enough learning about the NFL ... by reading about it in a book ...
Not enough exercising of the gaskets ...
Maybe too much watchin' "Raging Bull" and wunderin' where Pacino is ...
b
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Play-In Satisfaction: MORE HEAD!
Lousyville head coach Pricktino -- the Imperial Wizard of the #1 team in The Land -- ordered his players to watch the play-in game -- and, when it was over, he instructed them to get their minds right for Morehead.
A little later, many of those players spent a school night (unless it's Spring Break, I dunno) gettin' themselves more head.
'Cuz that's what play-yuhz on a new #1 team be doin'.
Gettin' more head.
Yes-indeedee ... Phil Simms U. dispatched that program (Alabama State) which we hope we never hear from again -- unless, of course, instead of a player named Grlenntys Chief Kickingtstallionsims, 'Bama State lands a recruit named Lieutenantcolonel Thrashinghammerheadjones, III.
As it was, Chief BirminghamstallionsofthedefunctUSFL didn't do much with his 7-foot-1 frame (0-3 FG, 2 rebs., 3 blk., 0 pts.) -- and Menji Mundadi wasn't much help (2 shots, both 3's, missed 'em both) in one of the worst rec-league games ever televised (despite Pusburger's 40 yrs. in broadcasting and Erin Andrews' 36-C's).
It might've been worth a hearty chuckle if a dozen MSU fans had circled Erin and began a chant of "MORE HEAD! MORE HEAD!" -- justifying their behaviour as "completely appropriate" when those who aren't hip to MSU school spirit questioned the "ritual" (read: public humiliation and/or human sacrifice).
As per the NCAA Intramural Invitational: The teams combined to shoot 36 of 108 ... 6 of 30 "from distance" ... w/ 21 turnovers for Morehead ... and 5-12 FT for 'Bama State.
"Onions!"
If ya spent more than 3 mins. watching, you either burned your retinas -- or you were thinking that more head from Lavin (in hi-def!) would've been better than quote-unquote "that shit."
Of course, if someone was bold enough to spend a minute or three over on Disneyland Sports 2 (watchin' the NIT w/ ND-UAB), he/she might've noticed that the crowd at N.D.'s Joyce Center was deader than Myles Brand's pancreas.
Yeah ... we understand that it's spring break and that the students who didn't go home are probably all huffing bars of Irish Spring and getting wasted at the Irish pub of their choosing in South BendOver.
Still, ya woulda figured that the crowd would've been a little more amped re: the dribbling acumen of Kyle McAlarney.
McAlarney is a very good dribbler.
Sooooo stylish ...
Bounce-bounce-bounce goes the ball ...
That kid's electric ...
"Onions!"
(OH, AND BY THE WAY ... THE NOTRE DUMB FARTING IRISH WERE, HANDS DOWN, THE BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT IN COLLEGE B-BALL IN '08/'09. A TOTAL FUCKING MYSTERY -- LOOK, NOBODY'S SAYIN' THAT ST. PATTY'S STATE IS A BUNCH OF PUSSIES (well, okay ... maybe we are ... "the proof is in the pudding" ... which is about as "soft" as N.D. was this season ... pudding ...) >>> OR MAYBE THE BLAME FALLS DIRECTLY ON MIKE BREY'S CLASSIC-AND-EXPENSIVE MOCK T's WHICH HE WEARS UNDER THAT BLAZER ... AND THERE GOES McALARNEY! ... BOUNCE-BOUNCE-BOUNCE GOES THE BALL ... LOOKIT THAT KID DRIBBLE DRIBBLE DRIBBLE ... WILL THAT STYLISH DRIBBLING BEST SUIT HIM NEXT YEAR IN MADRID OR ALBANIA?)
We're in for a doozy of offensive pyrotechnics in the days ahead ("on the offensive side of the ball" say Herb Kirkstreit and/or Todd McShame and/or Mel Kiper's Bouffant).
It's a pity that a coach can't pull Chef Killingpalaminosmith aside and quietly tell him, "It'd be nice if you got yer fuckin' 7-foot frame to actually care about what the fuck yer doin' out there," but, alas ... this is P.C.merica, so it's, "Swell job, big fella!"
Not around here, though.
Mild Marchness is quashed in its entirety as another Steeler DVD goes into the DVD player.
It's how we wash our hands of any personal involvement (particularly when that USA-Puerto Rico WBC epic finish is on the MLB Network, rather than DisneyTime TV).
Sorry 'bout that, Colonel Kissingscallionsims ...
Now, gotta get outta here before Digger's flourescent necktie and flourescent highlighter pen show up and pretend-to-know/begin-to-explain something/anything about more head ...
b
A little later, many of those players spent a school night (unless it's Spring Break, I dunno) gettin' themselves more head.
'Cuz that's what play-yuhz on a new #1 team be doin'.
Gettin' more head.
Yes-indeedee ... Phil Simms U. dispatched that program (Alabama State) which we hope we never hear from again -- unless, of course, instead of a player named Grlenntys Chief Kickingtstallionsims, 'Bama State lands a recruit named Lieutenantcolonel Thrashinghammerheadjones, III.
As it was, Chief BirminghamstallionsofthedefunctUSFL didn't do much with his 7-foot-1 frame (0-3 FG, 2 rebs., 3 blk., 0 pts.) -- and Menji Mundadi wasn't much help (2 shots, both 3's, missed 'em both) in one of the worst rec-league games ever televised (despite Pusburger's 40 yrs. in broadcasting and Erin Andrews' 36-C's).
It might've been worth a hearty chuckle if a dozen MSU fans had circled Erin and began a chant of "MORE HEAD! MORE HEAD!" -- justifying their behaviour as "completely appropriate" when those who aren't hip to MSU school spirit questioned the "ritual" (read: public humiliation and/or human sacrifice).
As per the NCAA Intramural Invitational: The teams combined to shoot 36 of 108 ... 6 of 30 "from distance" ... w/ 21 turnovers for Morehead ... and 5-12 FT for 'Bama State.
"Onions!"
If ya spent more than 3 mins. watching, you either burned your retinas -- or you were thinking that more head from Lavin (in hi-def!) would've been better than quote-unquote "that shit."
Of course, if someone was bold enough to spend a minute or three over on Disneyland Sports 2 (watchin' the NIT w/ ND-UAB), he/she might've noticed that the crowd at N.D.'s Joyce Center was deader than Myles Brand's pancreas.
Yeah ... we understand that it's spring break and that the students who didn't go home are probably all huffing bars of Irish Spring and getting wasted at the Irish pub of their choosing in South BendOver.
Still, ya woulda figured that the crowd would've been a little more amped re: the dribbling acumen of Kyle McAlarney.
McAlarney is a very good dribbler.
Sooooo stylish ...
Bounce-bounce-bounce goes the ball ...
That kid's electric ...
"Onions!"
(OH, AND BY THE WAY ... THE NOTRE DUMB FARTING IRISH WERE, HANDS DOWN, THE BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT IN COLLEGE B-BALL IN '08/'09. A TOTAL FUCKING MYSTERY -- LOOK, NOBODY'S SAYIN' THAT ST. PATTY'S STATE IS A BUNCH OF PUSSIES (well, okay ... maybe we are ... "the proof is in the pudding" ... which is about as "soft" as N.D. was this season ... pudding ...) >>> OR MAYBE THE BLAME FALLS DIRECTLY ON MIKE BREY'S CLASSIC-AND-EXPENSIVE MOCK T's WHICH HE WEARS UNDER THAT BLAZER ... AND THERE GOES McALARNEY! ... BOUNCE-BOUNCE-BOUNCE GOES THE BALL ... LOOKIT THAT KID DRIBBLE DRIBBLE DRIBBLE ... WILL THAT STYLISH DRIBBLING BEST SUIT HIM NEXT YEAR IN MADRID OR ALBANIA?)
We're in for a doozy of offensive pyrotechnics in the days ahead ("on the offensive side of the ball" say Herb Kirkstreit and/or Todd McShame and/or Mel Kiper's Bouffant).
It's a pity that a coach can't pull Chef Killingpalaminosmith aside and quietly tell him, "It'd be nice if you got yer fuckin' 7-foot frame to actually care about what the fuck yer doin' out there," but, alas ... this is P.C.merica, so it's, "Swell job, big fella!"
Not around here, though.
Mild Marchness is quashed in its entirety as another Steeler DVD goes into the DVD player.
It's how we wash our hands of any personal involvement (particularly when that USA-Puerto Rico WBC epic finish is on the MLB Network, rather than DisneyTime TV).
Sorry 'bout that, Colonel Kissingscallionsims ...
Now, gotta get outta here before Digger's flourescent necktie and flourescent highlighter pen show up and pretend-to-know/begin-to-explain something/anything about more head ...
b
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