(Typing with tears in your eyes? Yeah ... if you're a douchebag, maybe ... )
WHICH WAS WORSE -- A) BLACK FRIDAY '77? ... B) 15-14 JAYS '93? ... C) TONIGHT?
Good one ... particularly for the Phillie Phan who was either 15 years old when it was 5-3 with one out to go, Lefty scheduled to start the next night to wrap up the series and then, suddenly, Davalillo's layin' down that bunt and Luzinski is drifting back, back, back on Mota's flyball and, then, oh shit, the throw is skipping away from Sizemore and then Froemming is calling Lopes safe ...
Or when Phillie Phan is 31 years old and feelin' good about holdin' down the 14-9 lead to even up the Series at 2-apiece with Schilling on the hill the next night ...
Or when Phillie Phan is 47 years old and Feliz's homer in the bottom of the 8th offers renewed hope with Lee on the hill the next night and, suddenly, Damon's stealing second and, suddenly, nobody's covering third, oh shit again, nobody's covering third ...
THAT DIDN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION.
Well, tonight doesn't compare to Black Friday because in '77, the Phils hadn't won a World Series in their 94 yrs. of existence. And, 15-14 in '93 ... that was a total abomination.
Tonight? If the top of the 9th HAD ended with the score tied, 4-4, at this very moment, we'd be heading to the top of the 13th.
AND, NATURALLY, THE BOTTOM OF THE 12TH WOULD'VE ENDED WITH CLAY CONDREY, PINCH-RUNNING FOR PAUL BAKO, GETTIN' THROWN OUT AT THE PLATE ATTEMPTING TO SCORE FROM SECOND ON PINCH-HITTER COLE HAMELS' SINGLE TO LEFT. (laugh track)
Told ya they shoulda pinch-ran for Bako with Antonio Bastardo. (laugh track)
ATTENDING GAME 4 LAST YEAR, AS SOME OF US DID (WITH TICKETS WHICH COST $0.00), WAS A LOT MORE FUN THAN WATCHING ON TV WHAT UNFOLDED TONIGHT.
True dat ... especially when somebody (that's me ... raising my hand) informed that drunk dude that it was I.M. Hipp. not J.A. Happ, warming up in the Phillies bullpen.
WHAT POSSIBLE SILVER LINING IS THERE FOR TONIGHT -- OR IS SILVER THE COLOR OF THE SHINY CUTLERY PROTRUDING FROM THE ABDOMEN IN A "STICK-A-FORK-IN-'EM" PARADIGM?
Gotta go win the next 3 ... and the first step in that process is defeating the often-mediocre-when-he-isn't-babying-an-injury A.J. Burnett.
OPTIMISTICALLY, WE'RE LOOKIN' AT COLE HAMELS STARTIN' GAME 7 AT YANKEE STADIUM, AREN'T WE? (laugh track) THAT'S EXCITING STUFF. IT'S WHAT EVERY KID DREAMS OF.
Unless Mgr. Yokel opts for surprise starter Brett Myers for Game 6 and saves Pedro for Game 7 ... or activating secret-weapon starter Rodrigo Lopez (with Happ and Bastardo ready at the first sign of danger) ... which would shatter Cole Hamels' dream. That is, if Cole Hamels actually has dreams which extend beyond his role in the next commercial for Comcast. (laugh track)
As per the dreams of young boys from the Empire State, it centers around one day starting in the midfield or as an attacker for Syracuse LAX -- mostly because The New Yankee Stadium is big-time kid-unfriendly with its $500 nosebleed seats.
KIDS WHO ARE PROHIBITED FROM ATTENDING MLB GAMES -- DOESN'T THAT GO AGAINST THE MLB'S "BEYOND BASEBALL" CAMPAIGN?
Not in or around the NYC area. Kids still have many options -- such as attending the local venues (be it MSG or the stadium which was built atop Jimmy Hoffa's gravesite) to watch the Mets suck, the Jets suck, the Giants suck, the Knicks suck, the Nets suck, the Rangers suck and the Islanders suck. The Pinstripers are all they've got. And while their step-dad is at the game and texting his girlfriend who isn't Mom, the kids can listen to the games on the radio and hear some riveting broadcasting from Suzyn Waldman (because non-athletic chicks w/ thicker-than-thick Noo Yak/Jewish(?) accents always provide the best baseball insight, fuhgeddabowdid!).
HEY, SUZYN WALDMAN/LINDA RICHMAN/CAWWFEE TALK IS NO WORSE THAN THE INCOHERENT SHIT THAT COMES OUTTA LARRY ANDERSEN'S MOUTH DURING PHILS' BROADCASTS.
Granted ... and, say ... nobody's accusing Larry Andersen of being drunk during the games. He just broadcasts as though he is. (laugh track)
FROM THE STANDPOINT OF THE TEAM WHICH USED TO WEAR THOSE COOL, MAROON-COLOURED CAPS AND MAROON PINSTRIPES (FROM 1970 THRU 1991), WHO DO WE BLAME FOR TONIGHT?
Several culprits spring to mind.
*Lidge leaving his fastball "up in the zone," as they say, for Damon and A-Roid to whack, well ... that wasn't smart.
*Rollins and Victorino gettin' aboard with no outs and failing to score ... that was harmful.
*Blanton got in a groove, but walking Nick Swisher to lead off the rally which snapped the 2-2 tie ... unwise.
Also, spotting NYY a 2-0 lead in the first ... that was 100% counter-productive ...
Unsmart ... harmful ... unwise ... and counter-productive are not the building blocks for a favorable outcome in a pivotal Game 4.
SO, IN OTHER WORDS, THE HOMER WHICH FELIZ TAGGED OFF OF JOBA PROVIDED ONLY FALSE HOPE?
Let's say Lidge DOES survive the top of the 9th -- what scenario did Phillie Phan envision for the bottom of the 9th vs. Phil Coke? Was it: Single by (Pinch Hitter X), single by Rollins, single by Victorino, strike out by Utley, strike out by Howard, walk-off grand slam by Werth?
The Happiness Paradigm always gets shifted and undermined by the Reality Coefficient -- so, even if it had been Coke rather than Mariano, it still might've ended up grounder to Teixeira, popup to Teixeira, grounder to Teixeira.
At least, Phil Coke didn't enter the game, earn the "W" and lead to a Daily News headline of: "PHILS HAVE A PROBLEM WITH COKE."
Or did we forget the Phils-On-Pills days of yore?
SPEAKING OF THE HAPPINESS PARADIGM AND THE REALITY COEFFICIENT, IS THE INEVITABILTY QUOTIENT THE REASON FOR A MEDIA BLACKOUT IN EFFECT AT THE HONEYCOMB HIDEOUT?
Yes ... and it's imperative that the blackout be honoured. We're probably not going to watch much of Game 5 until it's safe to do so. That mean gettin' Cliff Lee a 3-0 or 5-2 lead which he is entitled to. Also, we'll creatively channel the Games 3, 4 & 5 vs. L.A. to create a positive vibe. It's important to remember: A blackout prohibits Bobby Fuckin' Valentine from invading our personal space and stunting our personal growth with his inane and asinine comments re: matters which are only peripherially related to what actually transpired.
WHAT'S THE GAMEPLAN FOR FENDING OFF YANKEE LOUDMOUTHS TOMORROW?
Nuthin' much ... just me, wearin' a Steelers sweatshirt and offering something succinct along the lines of, "Highest payroll in The MLB every year, but no championships since 2000. Will we be hearing from you again before 2018?"