Tuesday, January 01, 2008

2008: Chinese Year of the Rat

We've come to learn that, according to the Chinese calendar, we're about to transition from the Year of the Pig to the Year of the Rat -- although, in our hearts, it'll always remain as David Bowie described it ages ago ("The year of the scavenger, the season of the bitch ...") //// // 2007's Dying Wish -- Little Conner knelt at his bedside, closed his little eyes, clasped his tiny hands and whispered, "Please, Lord Jesus ... don't ever let Billick and Belichick join forces on the same sideline or else there'll be a Two-Headed, Mega-Satan that You might not conquer." //// Little Conner then asked Jesus why bad things happen to mediocre people .... ///// And Then It Was New Year's Morning -- and, again (!) Herb Kirkstreit was fucking with the Michigan football program by informing America that current freshman Ryan Mallett (who filled in semi-competently for the semi-competent Chad Henne this season) cannot run Rich Rodriguez's spread offense next year ... but if hot-shot recruit Terrelle Pryor commits to UM, the sky's the limit for the Wolves (i.e. an undefeated season), but Pryor opts not for Ann Arbor, Michigan is a 6-win team, etc ... //// Effin Kirkstreit doesn't even bother to cloak his remarks with some subtlety any more. In other words, he's removed the term "hidden" from the expression "hidden agenda." ///// He never once crusaded for the fact that Michigan gettin' voted out of the Top 25 following the loss to App State was immoral -- and that little prank (on Dec. 1) w/ leaking a rumor in which Less Smiles was 'sposed to get the UM job "this week" ... well, it doesn't seem as though Herbie is making the best use of his time when he's not administering a tongue bath to Pete Carroll's inner thigh. ////// Ryan Mallett already has enough on his mind in trying to live up to the standards of the most-famous #15 in Maize N' Blue lore (Elvis Grbac) without havin' to hear, "You suck, Mallett" from the guy who went 0-4-1 vs. Michigan; 0-4 in bowl games; and was unable to beat out a cardboard cut-out named Kent Graham as the startin' QB in C-Bus. ///// It's a shame that Ryan Mallett has to pay the price for Herbie's inability to get it up for the GameDay groupies (some are girls, some are not) when he's on the road and Mrs. Herbie is back in C-Bus with those screamin' brats who will one day also fail to earn the starting job as a Suckeye QB. ////// The Obvious Punchline For The Sugar Bowl -- "Georgia's Junkyard Dawg defense violated Colt Brennan in (probably) the same manner as his 'illegal-use-of-hands' penalty which got him bailin' on Boulder and sayin' hello to Hawaii." ///// Georgia wasn't too fussy about its displays of good touching and bad touching ... Of course, any NFL team would be foolish to touch Colt with anything more than a 7th-round draft pick which has been approved for throwing away. ///// That sidearm delivery is the shits -- however, White America was too busy nitpicking Vince Young's mechanics and/or the fact that Andre Woodson usually gets his elbow mighty high when he cocks his arm. ////// Hawaii '07 is not as good a story as Tulane '98 (with Tommy Bowden as head coach, Rich Rodriguez as off. coord. and current ESPN NFL analyst Shaun King as the do-it-all QB) .... Ameirca is tired of the hairdos, the war paint, the haka, the hairdos, the grass skirts, the tiki torches, the hairdos, the chants, the so-called "brotherhood," parents who named their son "Colt," an adult male who allows himself to be called "June" .... ////

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