Thursday, January 03, 2008

Another Sooner Schooner Fiesta Fiasco

The Fiesta Bowl ended less than 20 minutes ago, so, as Monday "breaks the plane" and inches into Tuesday, it's probably not too early to consider everybody's feelings re: the 48-28, Mountaineer ambush of the Sooner Schooner.

Satisfied: Khori Ivy.
Displeased: Corey Ivy.

And who is the "anti-prophet"?
Geritol Corso, of course ... that is, after he unabasahedly proclaimed that OU would win by three touchdowns, a testament to the fact that he not only believed that the Mountaineers were pussies, but that they were inbred, bed-wetting, NAMBLA-literature-reading pussies.
That was the implication. anyway.

It's true ... we don't actually have to phone up the satisfied Khori Ivy or the displeased Corey Ivy to gauge their levels of satisfaction and/or displeasure because most of us coll. FB diehards ("which doesn't include you, coll. FB anti-Christ, Herb Kirkstreit!") remember when KHORI IVY was a senior WR on WVU's '00 Music City Bowl champions -- only a few years after COREY IVY (the current Baltimore Raven CB) was spendin' his senior season on the Sooners' '98 team (a squad which sucked pretty bad, ultimately leading to the firing of John Blake and the hiring of a Florida Gator assistant named Bob Stoops).

Indeed ... rare is the night when America can delight in a football classic between Khori Ivy's alma mater and Corey Ivy's alma mater (although some of us knew that it was merely a matter of time for the football gods to deliver a WVU-OU showdown as compensation for what happened exactly 10 years ago when we were denied Tar Heel center Jeff Saturday squaring off against Farting Irish linebacker Jimmy Friday ... "Holy smokes! Saturday just knocked Friday into next week! Saturday just beat the crap outta Friday!").

It's just a hunch (and we're too tired to look it up right now), but the Mortty Ivy who was wearin' #42 and startin' at LB for the 'Neers tonight is probably related to Khori Ivy (little bro? nephew? cousin?).

However, the '97 Sooners of exactly 10 years had TWO guys named "Corey Ivy" standing on their sideline ... the previously-mentioned Corey Terrell Ivy and a "Corey L. Ivy" (and we're pretty sure that Corey T. Ivy and Corey L. Ivy were, at the very least, NOT brothers because no parent -- other than George Foreman and his six or seven sons named "George" and Mrs. Laettner and her sons Christian and Christopher -- would ever name one son Corey T. and the other son Corey L., right?).

Nobody knows what happened to Corey L. Ivy during this difficult time of strife between Khori Ivy's team and Corey T. Ivy's team.

All we can go by is what we see on the field -- and while we mentioned that Corey Ivy's last game at OU was the Sooners' final game before Stoops took over, it is fascinating that Khory Ivy's final game at WVU was the final one, too, for legendary coach Don Nehlen (a victory over Ole Miss in which Khori had a pair of TD receptions as the 'Neers built a 49-9 lead over Ole Miss before sophomore QB Elisha Manning pulled the Rebs to within 49-38 ... which is amusing in the sense that, in the previous season, Elisha was a freshman on the Ole Miss team which rallied for an Independence Bowl win over the Sooners and rookie head coach Stoops in THE FINAL FOOTBALL GAME OF THE 20th CENTURY ... Les Binkley's field goal winning it for the Rebs approx. 20 minutes into the new millennium ... if you stayed up for that one -- as some of us diehards not named Herb Kirkstreit did -- it was very memorable) ...

For those of us who care about the pecking order of the coll. FB universe, the dawn of the 21st Century in Morgantown, WV served as a farewell to Don Nehlen and the hunt for a coach who could take the 'Neers to "the next level" as "that kid" Stoops had done in Norman, OK (Bobby guided the Sooners to the national championship a week after Nehlen's farewell game).

Right about now, though, Corey Ivy and Corey Ivy might be wondering how the guy got the name "Big Game Bob" instead of "Broken Heart Bobby."

That hit list includes:
** The K-State Massacre in '03 followed by the LSU heartbreak in the Sugar Bowl ...
** The 55-19 mess against 'SC to end the '04 season (which woulda been 77-19 if the Trojans hadn't mailed in the final 20 minutes) ...
** The 0-12 season of '05 ...
** The hook n' lateral on 4th down ...
** The halfback-option, TD pass on 4th down ...
** The walk-off, Statue of Liberty magic ...
(Go ahead and toss in that game from six or seven weeks ago when the Sooner D got brutalized during the first half of that prime-time beatdown in Lubbock) ...

So sad to see Ryan Reynolds (the Sooner LB Ryan Reynolds, not the actor Ryan Reynolds who was everybody's favorite Ryan Reynolds in "Smokin' Aces") so egregiously befouling the cream-n'-crimson #8 jersey which Nate Hybl (the golf-star transfer from Georgia) wore with such dignity and decorum while winning MVP honors in the 2003 Rose Bowl Game Presented By Citi.

Number 8 ... that's the number that Khori Ivy wore for the Mountaineers when he was carving out a college career that was slightly more-recognition-worthy than what Corey Ivy and Corey Ivy achieved at OU.

Number 8 ... that jersey number is now worn by WVU DB Quinton Andrews, the player who came up with that drive-killing INT tonight against the rookie Sam Bradford.
Quinton Andrews, however, is not to be confused with OU's "Q-factor" -- considering that we saw Quentin Chaney have a breakout game with a few clutch receptions ... which happened before the FOX Sports cameras showed America a glimpse of Sooner Quinton Carter nibbling his nails as he stood on the sideline.

What stuck in the craw of those on the Schooner was that Carter was seen wearing #20, which, when ya get right down to it, seems like a bit of sacrilege, given that #20 is what Billy Sims wore with such distinction and honor while winning the Heisman in '78 ... the same #20 which Rocky Calmus wore so proudly while winning the Butkus Award in '01.

Look ... it's not Quinton Carter's fault that he'll never be our fave #20.
Or that he'll always rank behind Quintin Griffin (OU's Cotton Bowl MVP six seasons ago) and Quentin Chaney as the Sooners who can get away with wearing a "Q" pendant on a 24K gold chain.

Notwithstanding that unavoidable sidebar, what we know about Bob Stoops is this:
He's a master re-builder.
Each year, the Sooners win 10 or 11 games -- and then Bob consults with the FEMA handbook after his bowl-game opponent huffs and puffs and blows his house down.

Nobody can say that they anticipated what unfolded tonight for Stoops' Troops against the school which many of us have playfully referred to as "Worst Virginia" ... or "West Vagina" ... or "the Meltdowneers."
Seriously, there's no a soul amongst us who did not chuckle when, during the WVU-Rutgers game on ESPN last season, we saw that fan in the stands with the sweatshirt with the big, block letters:

It was America's intent to giggle as WVU returned to the Land of the Laughingstock after the 13-9 loss at home to Pitt which prompted Coach Fraudriguez to bolt for Michigan.

The last straw for the 'Neers had to be what happened on New Year's morning when Corso ate that entire tube of Fixodent and informed this nation that Oklahoma would win by three touchdowns.
Because, as he implied (and we inferred), Worst Vagina is a bunch of pussies.

So, rather than donning their banana-yellow pants and banana-yellow shirts (which is what they wore vs. Pitt), the WVU players opted for blue pants and white jerseys as the appropriate apparel for openin' up a can of whoop-ass on OU.

Tomorrow, none of us with no affiliation to Morgantown will remember the name of that crusty curmudgeon coach named "Bill" who was acting as interim head honcho.

Meanwhile, Herbie, Corso and America's third-favorite, all-time host of "Scholastic Sports America" (behind Sharlene Hawkes and Dan Debenham) will try to convince you that it was WVU's team speed, team speed, team, team speed, team speed and team speed -- in addition to OU's inability to counter WVU's team speed -- which was the difference in the game (alas ... "team speed, in this context, might be a cop-out of a euphemism for failure to identify the team which was either smarter or more-competent).

Case in point: WVU had all of this team speed against Pitt, however ... we all saw how that turned out.
Does Herbie expect team-speed-focused America to believe that a team-speed-deficient 5-7 Pitt team, for one night, possessed enough team speed to take down the team-speed-oriented team whose primary strength is team speed?

Well, here's the dee-lee-ohh:
When everybody's favorite mohawk-wearin' psycho, Owen Schmitt, was busting loose for 50 yards for the game's first TD, it wasn't entirely a team-speed issue.
Similarly, when Schmitt later sprinted into the pass pattern and safety D.J. Wolfe took the bait and went four steps toward the line of scrimmage instead of "staying home," uh-oh, Spaghetti-o's ...

Pat White had one of the easiest TD throws of his life.

For all we know, D.J. Wolfe was hustling over to ask Schmitt for tips re; hair care (if you saw Owen earlier this season, you remember him with the messy mohawk and the beard when he was walking along his sideline, smashing his forehead with his own helmet ... and if you saw Wolfe seated on the OU bench earlier this season, you remember all of those goofy-ass symbols he'd etched into his scalp ...).

Apparently, Schmitt remarked that tonight's mohawk -- neat n' tidy by mohawk standards (no beard, either) -- was tightened up with a "business cut."

Not to burst the bubble of Herbie and the Old Fart, but, maybe -- just maybe -- sometimes the game isn't about team, speed, team speed, team speed, team speed, team speed, team, speed and team speed.

Sometimes, it's about tightening up the business cut and gettin' down to bidniss.
And playing assignment football.
On every play ...

(Another hot tip for the laziest dicks -- Herbie and Corso -- on your TV screen: Sometimes, it's not about the college football coach and his college-football coaching coaching-ness, but -- get this -- it's about the players. This may provide inner-conflict for Herbie, who is in the middle of another love poem to Pete Carroll ... as soon as he seals with a kiss his poem to Rich Rodriguez ... )

Another dose of reality is this: Lovable though he may be, Schmitty will probably never surpass in popularity the 280-lb. FB legend who was Khori Ivy's teammate ... the one and only Wes Ours!

He was one of us.
He was one of ours ...

OK, OU ... granted, Bob & His Visor probably could've used Reggie Smith and Lendy Holmes in the secondary tonight, although, in fairness to scrubs Darien Williams and Dominque Franks, it might not've mattered.
After all, Marcus Walker had air-tight coverage on Tito Gonzales -- only Pat White made the best throw of his career ... and the result was one of the 'Neers' lengthy TDs.

Again ... two players makin' a play.
Quality throw ... solid catch ...

"At the end of the day," the final score tonight was a mild surprise, albeit not a total shock to those of us who actually watched the first half of OU's 17-7 win at Iowa State (it was on another network, Herbstreit ... when you were jetting across this nation and downloading porn on your laptop instead of rehearsing new material rather than the tired, ol' cliches of "they need to run to set up the play-action pass" and "if they have success with a vertical passing game, that'll set up the ground game" ...).

The Sooners's halftime deficit at Ames was 7-0 during an exhibition in which the massive left side of the OU line -- Phil Loadholt and Duke Robinson -- couldn't seem to get their 350-lb. frames outta the quicksand which seemed to be following only them.

What a "Soooooner Snooooozer."
Textbook boredom.

Generally, the rule of thumb is that teams which are capable of falling behind, 7-0, to signficantly inferior opponents (or blowing a 24-7 third-quarter lead in Boulder) possess certain characteristics which allow such developments to occur.
In other words, they didn't blow a 24-7 lead to a mediocre Colorado team "by accident."
OU accomplished that task by yielding to mediocrity.

In such instances, it might be that the players are sleepy ... or disinterested ... or maybe they wanna go grab some snacks at the Exxon Tiger Mart and watch some TV or play some X-Box.

While Stoops wowed us by turning around the 0-12 team of '05, he took a(nother) hit tonight -- but maybe all he needs is Corso to deliver one of those "Oklahoma is a bunch of pussies" punchlines.

TWICE tonight OU received 30 yards worth of penalties on a single snap of the football (late hit + unsportsmanlike conduct on one play in the second quarter ... later: P.I. + personal foul) ... and, on top of that, WVU didn't have pre-season Heisman contender Steve Slaton for more than a token first-quarter appearance.

For a team which beat Misouri twice this year, OU didn't show a helluva lot tonight.
Sam Bradford and his 36 freshman TD passes kept battlin', but to no avail.
It's still hard to believe that LB Curtis Lofton was the Big XII Defensive Player of the Year.
Must be all that team speed which everyone talks about.

Some of us, though, will use all of the team speed which God gave us, and sprint to the backyard in order to burn this #20 Kejuan Jones SOONERS jersey in the trash-can fire.

The scene is different in Morgantown.
They're tossin' another sofa cushion onto the bonfire.
The shot at the national championship went into the crapper with the loss to Pitt, but the opportunity to gulp some moonshine and to sing silly songs about Corso pantsless in the barn ... as the couchfire's flames grow higher and higher, yeah ... it's a great way to ring in '08.

Back in Norman, they're gettin' ready for a HUGE b-ball season from Longar Longar -- which'll, no doubt, lead to another prompt exit from the Big Dance (which'll have the folks 'round town wonderin' how soon it is 'til Stoops has the boys out for spring ball in anticipation of a 10-2 season gettin' urinated on by another coll. FB upstart).

Next season, it's Florida Atlantic's turn to tip over the Sooner Schooner.
That'll leave Corey Ivy displeased ...
And Corey Ivy dismayed ...

The happy ending?
Corey Ivy's problems are not Khori Ivy's problems ...

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