Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Tigercide

With the news today of yesterday's Xmas killing of Tatiana -- the Siberian tiger at the San Francisco Zoo -- there's one inescapable conclusion to be drawn.

2007 was a shitty year for tigers.
Except for the Tiger whose given name is "Eldrick."

While the jury's still out on that beloved Bengal named "Elbert" (who answered to "Ickey"), we saw a great many examples of Tigercide in '07.

Calipari's Memphis Tigers came up short in the NCAA b-ball tourney ...
Leyland's Tigers -- the Motor City kitties -- missed the playoffs after winning the A.L. pennant in '06 ...
The Princeton Tigers were typically gutty in every endeavor, yet lacking in the areas which would've led to victory ...
Which was pretty much the same deal for the Hamilton Tiger-Cats of the CFL ...

And, what the hell was the deal with the Memphis football team losing its bowl game against those upstart Owls from Florida Atlantic?
An owl never beats a tiger, does it?
That is, an owl which is not a White Owl cigar -- which, for the money, remains a quality smoke ...
"For the money," that is ...

Well, lo and behold, we've got a Chick-fil-A Bowl on the horizon -- a New Year's Eve clash between Tommy's Tigers of Auburn vs. Tommy's Tigers of Clemson.

A Tiger will triumph.

Roughly one week after that, Less Smiles' LSU Tigers will attempt to persuade America to adopt a pro-Tiger stance when he tangles with the Sweater Vest Blackeyes in the national championship game (although this would be a nicer America if Less Smiles was allowed to pay tribute to slain jungle cats everywhere by having that massive LSU tiger eye logo painted at midfield of the Superdome field, just as it is at Tiger Stadium in Baton Rouge) ...

At the end of the day (as they say), what makes Earth a more-superior planet than, say, Neptune or Jupiter are two important factors:


A) Earth's inhabitants possess rational decision-making prowess, such as acknowledging Pluto's sovereignty as a planet before eventually de-classifying Pluto as "a planet" (a somewhat recent development which, no doubt, will be a factor when the pissed-off Plutonians invade a few years from now and launch their systematic impregnation crusade against this planet's better-looking blondes ...).

B) Earthlings spend a lot more time involved with the LSU Tigers, the Clemson Tigers, the Auburn Tigers, the Princeton Tigers, the Eldrick Woods Tigers and the Detroit Tigers than they spend giving a second thought to a spectacular, 4-legged Siberian tiger named Tatiana which was gunned down a few days after that Siberian tiger in the Chinese wildlife compound was beheaded and gutted for its black-market value.

If there are other solar systems out there with intelligent life, they are just itchin' for this ghetto called Earth to global-warm itself outta existence so they can get a real planet into the mix ...

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