Thursday, February 18, 2010

Eve of Eldrick

They say Eldrick's gonna make a speech tomorrow ... and that good seats are still unavailable, so don't bother calling Ticketron.

Hmmmm ... unless he's pulling a Joe Biden and re-delivering the Emancipation Proclamation (and calling them "his own words"), I'm gonna pass.

Which means that I, like a lotta people, won't be spending Friday afternoon lying on the bed, sprawled on the comforter which my grandma knitted me as the following words escape from my pen and spill onto the pgs. of the journal:
"DEAR DIARY ... Eldrick's powerful words moved me today ..."

Seriously, what does this have to do with Lindsey Vonn's fake shin injury?

And, if Eldrick fails to put Julie and Jolie atop his puntang-pounding Top 10, deal me out.

Dish some some inner-thigh dirt, Woody.

Which chick squealed like an Everglades reptile with its tail caught in a wringer?

And, say ... isn't it tragic how we can't use the old-school, curtains-match-carpet expression any more because every chick shaves/waxes that neighborhood nowadays?

Was there ever a misunderstanding with any of those skanks when you were maybe a little buzzed from the combination of that day's hGH cycle and the booze in front of you and you spied an uggo across the crowded club and you wearily leaned over to that hottie, pointed to the uggo and said, "I wouldn't fuck HER with Stevie's dick"???

(Sigh) ... America feels a little less like America when one of its proudest Americans won't field questions and create a greater understanding.

For the children ... mostly the 14-year-old girls out there who are manicuring their landing strips.

(Sigh) ... the terrorists win (again) and America is held hostage as Eldrick morphs from a silo of vanilla nothingness to cardboard-cutout cartoon character.

Unless he does his speaking in conversational Cantonese (or Mandarin) tomorrow, it doesn't look as though he'll do anything to break the tie he currently holds with Pat Knight as Most-Lifeless & Unoriginal Person Alive.

So, begging yer pardon ESPN, but this'll never be one of those cathartic moments in our lives.

Unless cathartic means, "I Don't Remember Where I Was And What I Was 'Sposed To Be Doing When I Remembered To Forget To Watch/Listen To/Care About The Team Tiger Oral Report."

(Punch Line #488 Which Has Magically Written Itself: "Oral? At least he didn't type 'anal' ..." )


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