Friday, October 31, 2008

Phillie Phloat Phallout

Any time that a city (or a nation) is awash in this much glory, it's important that the logistics are all squared away.

For example, when Chase Utley stepped to the microphone today and declared that his team is Number One, it was important that the children within earshot wrote it down w/o any misspellings.

It's spelled just like it sounds, kids.


When we take a minute and say it slowly and more-distinctintly, it's reminiscent of that time when Peter Gibbons and his pal Lawrence were cleaning up the debris following the fire at the site where the INITECH building once stood.

Lawrence gave us a quick, matter-of-fact, crunch-each-syllable-into-one "fuckinay" -- while Peter, on the other hand, offered a philosophical pose and sounded almost magnanimous as he spoke clearly and with distinction.

"Fuck ... In ... Ayyy."

Chutley's was somewhere in-between ...

And, that's an important lesson for America ... addressing who's Number One in an appropriate, succinct manner which galvinizes young and old (and black and white) alike.

After all, the last time the Big Phillie Parade took place in Philly, Mike Schmidt took the microphone and altered a lyric from that Johnny Paycheck song, "Take This Job And Shove It."

Said Schmidt to the throng of Phanatics, "Take this championship ... AND SAVOR IT!"

It wasn't "take this championship AND CRAM IT UP YOUR PHUCKING ASSES, Philly bandwagon motherphucks!"

Schmidty's message might've sounded too corny and Squaresville, so it was up to Chutley to provide a remark which, in some circles, would be considered "alienating."

We call those who are offended "dickheads."

(How interesting is it that a hip-hop version of "Take This Job And Shove It" is the song which accompanies the closing credits to the movie which chronicles Peter Gibbons' everyday battle against TPS-report cover pages and pieces of flair?)

Early indications are that Chutley's signature remark was less-offensive and less-alarming than it was confusing.

For example, nobody knows yet if the banner which'll be on a flagpole and flyin' high in the south Philly breeze at The Cit next season while the hometown team is losin' 2 of 3 to the NY Mess will read 2008 WORLD PHUCKING CHAMPIONS with a "ph" or an "f" -- or, if the "complete" term ("motherphucking") fits completely on a flag.

At least the organization has time to figure that out (that is, if Ruben Amaro and his biology degree from Stanford is, in fact, promoted to GM, thus clearing the way for Charley-Charlie Kerfeld to choose not only the correct spelling of his first name, but also to find somebody to replace him as "assistant to the assistant GM").

Of more immediate concern to the organization should be that Feb. visit to the White House when new President Oprah will receive his official Phillies shirt (white w/ red pinstripes ... a script, red "Phillies" across the front w/ two blue stars dotting the "i's") and, on the back of said shirt, the name OPRAH with a large 08.

(Thank phucking god it's an "08" and not an "8" ... because that number belongs to Hall of Famer Bob Boone, Juan Samuel, Jim Eisenreich and The Fuckin' Flyin' Hawaiian ... in that order ... sorry, Shane ... it's a tough lineup to crack ... )

That White House visit oughta be a dilly -- especially when the Vice President steps forward to shake hands and some P.R. guy says, "Joe Biden, meet Joe Blanton."

Phuckin' surreal ...

Before we arrive at Joe Blanton meetin' Joe Biden, it stands to reason that, in the immediate days ahead, we might hear some backlash about Chutley droppin' the F-bomb at the rally, particularly 'cuz it's (theoretically) not the proper message for our children, not to mention the fact that it might be construed as disrespectful to the recent Fallen Phillies who might be watching from Heaven (i.e. Tugger, Vook, the Pope and Whitey -- a.k.a. McGraw, Vukovich, Owens and Ashburn).

Then again, maybe 82-year-old Robin Roberts heard Chutley's signature statement, shrugged and remarked, "Fuckin'-A ... I'm 82-year-old Whiz Kid Robin Roberts ... and I approve this message."

What Robin Roberts probably doesn't condone, however, is the mob of jerkoffs who tip over cars during the overexuberance of victory.

Y'see, the problem which many of us have with such an act of wanton violence is that if these cars are to be tipped over, they must be set ablaze.

An upside-down car which isn't engulfed in flames ... what's the point?

The act is incomplete.

Mob mentality, however, is a powerful narcotic.

To pre-empt such hooliganism, it'd be fun to single out one of those tough-guy car vandals and, just as he is about to perform the rite of passage of joining the vandalism phalanx, whisper in his ear, "Everything you're about to do to this car, I'm gonna do to your girlfriend. Or daughter. That's right ... I'm gonna smash her windshield, flip her on her hood and then slide her along the asphalt until she bursts into flames. You into that?"

That's the City of Brotherly Shove for ya -- which is why it's best to steer clear of that city when everybody from Valley Forge to King of Prussia is converging along the parade route to see their heroes in their street clothes making their phucking declarations of phucking dominance.

The problem with allowing plainclothes Phillies to mingle w/ the masses is that it ends up like that time when Maximus began laughing at Proximo and, through his laughter, said, "You knew Marcus Aurelius?"
Proximo (angrily): "I did not say I knew him! I said he touched me on the shoulder once!"

That helps to explain why certain Phans are likely to walk up to J.C. Romero and say, "Carlos Ruiz, sign my t-shirt, puhh-leeeze!"

America needs its sports heroes to remain in their jerseys/uniforms so that we don't have to think of them as everyday people in everyday situations.

Chutley's a prime example.

We need him wearing his #26 and providing pop and crucial ribbies and valuable glovework and some speed on the basepaths.

His versatility as a ballplayer is his gift to us -- not his wide-open yapper spewin' PH-bombs.

CHUTLEY is best when he's a second baseman and not an orator in street clothes because, seriously ... whaddya gonna get from a guy who took a few classes at FUCLA just to stay eligible for baseball?

Chutley lives in the land of "see ball, hit ball ... see grounder, field grounder ... " -- so, we'll take it from there, Chuts.

When we need somebody to say something stupid or nonsensical, well ... that's Vice President Biden's job.

Jeez ... what ever happened to the good, ol' days of "Ours is not the victory of might, but the vindication of right ... " ???

WAIT A SEC ... Victorino's playin' center; he was in right last year, ha ha ...

We, the members of the Phanaticship, shouldn't get tooooo carried away with Chutley being so adamant of the phuckingness of this so-called world championship.

Officially, the Japanese baseballers were crowned WORLD champions at the World Baseball Classic in SoCal in '06 -- so, until the United States team does something to alter that status at WBC 2 next March, it might be a good idea if Chutley gets his facts straight.

U.S. Pro Phucking Baseball Sweepstakes Winners!

Hey ... just because Chutley isn't very accurate or articulate, it shouldn't diminish the impressive depth that Phils' lineup exhibited during the '08 postseason.

Workin' from the top of the order, the Fightin's postseason damage during the 14 games was respectable:

ROLLINS: (.240) Wasn't much of a sparkplug until his leadoff HR jump-started the NLCS-clincher at Milwaukee and his leadoff HR ignited the NLCS-clincher in L.A. ...

WERTH: (.310) Had more strikeouts (17) than any Phillie, but he also had the most extra-basehits (7 doubles, 1 triple, 2 homers) and the most stolen bases (4). His 6 BBs in the World Series led the team ...

UTLEY: (.220) Nuthin' to brag about in the postseason, yet, again, his big blast off of Lowe in Game 1 of the NLCS was huge and his first-inning, 2-run shot in St. Pete was vital -- and, how different would matters have been w/o his diving, unassisted DP in Game 4 in L.A. or his throw home to nail Bartlett (or if Mike Cameron, an alleged Gold Glover, had fought through the wind n' the rain to make that catch of what was ruled a double -- a gift -- in the very first game of this postseason)?

HOWARD: (.230) Was a real non-factor 'til he blew the lid off of Game 4 of the World Series w/ that 3-run shot (it was redemption for his nifty barehanded grab of Moyer's flip from the night before which was negated by umpire Tom Hallion abandoning his position where he had a clear view and then running to the concession stand or the souvenir stand or the mezzanine level or the designated smoking area located within a 648-foot homer to LCF to get a better view of the play).

BURRELL: (.230) In his final days as a Phillie (we presume), extended his MLB-record streak to 630 consecutive games w/o a SB att. -- and somehow escaped Eternal Phillie Boobird Hell with four, long, slow, overexaggerated, big-finish, sweeping swings of the bat -- the two homers during the clincher in Brew Town; the solo blast which followed Utley's 2-run shot in Game 1 vs. L.A.; and his almost-homer/double off of the crazy-angled wall in CF two nights ago.

VICTORINO: (.270) What a catalyst (13 ribbies in 14 games) -- and even if most of us have forgotten the 2-run single he ripped during Monday night's slop-a-thon, we're never (ever) going to forget his grand salami over the flower bed in LF vs. Sabathia (batting right-handed) or that laser-beam, 2-run HR which he buggy-whipped into the Phillie bullpen at Dodjerk Stadium (batting left-handed). Oh ... and, defensively, his glove was where rallies went to die.

FELIZ & RUIZ: (.250 and .260) '08 was '80 revisited w/ these two as it was reminiscent of (a productive) Trillo, Boone and Bowa creating havoc at the bottom of the order 28 years earlier. That threesome was far more-consistent during the regular season than Feliz & Ruiz (.249 and .219) were this year, although nobody should discount their defensive acumen for a nano-second. Feliz had some key hits here and there ... and Carlos The Catcher was "a force" wearin' #51 in the No. 9 spot (his double vs. Sabathia was THE mistake which C.C. made before Victorino's homer, not Myers' AB ... and let's not forget how it was Carlos' single which preceded Stairs' bomb in L.A., not to mention his RBI groundout which was the GWRBI in Game 1 in St. Pete before he singlehandedly won Game 3 w/ his HR and the 47-foot tapper at 1:47 in the morning ...

While the Phillies didn't have two or three guys hittin' .435, they also didn't have two or three guys w/ .167 avgs. in the postseason (the way that the N.Y. Mess would've). And, even though Rollins and Utley each have 30-plus game hitting streaks to their credit, nobody in the Phils' lineup possesses the everyday consistency to win a batting title.

However, as demonstrated during this postseason, when pitchers make mistakes (in terms of location), Phuckin' Phillie batsmen have a knack for hittin' those pitches on the screws.

Again ... it's not "if somebody makes a mistake" ...

It's "when" ...

That's what Matt Stairs did in L.A. and Geoff Jenkins did to ignite "The Resumption." They got each got a ball to hit and that's what they did.

Guys such as Stairs and Jenkins might've been easy to I.D. today, what, with their blonde goat-tees.

But, it is impressive to consider that if somebody such as Greg Dobbs isn't wearing either his #19, pinstriped shirt or a name-tag sticker which reads, "HELLO: My Name Is Greg Dobbs," he could blend in with the crowd and maybe say to the gal standing next to him, "Hey, get me Eric Bruntlett's autograph. Show him your ta-ta's if ya have to."

That's our Dobbsie -- the guy who looks like a regular Joe ... unless he's wearing his pinstriped attire w/ #19 on the back, wearing a facial expression of "I'm-all-business" and swinging a weighted bat in the on-deck circle as he's waiting to be announced as the scheduled pinch-hitter for Clay Condrey.

Every U.S. Pro Baseball Gold Medal Squad needs somebody like a Dobbsie ... a real Plain Jane ... until it's time to come off the bench and shoot a line drive into RF.

Or over the fence.

Technically, he puts the PH in "Phuckin' Phillie" (as exemplified by his .355 avg. as a PH this season).

Although Dobbs didn't have any Unser-esque moments in the postseason (seems as if those were reserved for Bruntlett and his lumberjack beard), he was a quiet 7 for 14.

Some of us definitely appreciate the manner in which the ex-Oklahoma Sooner got the start at 3B in Game 2 vs. L.A. and followed those backwards-K's by Burrell and Werth with a broken-bat chunker into CF vs. Barbara Billingsley.

That was the first of 5 consecutive hits for a 4-1 lead ... before Howard was caught looking.

The Game 2 victory was the second of two starts in which Brick Myers received ample run-support.

Crazy shit ... for which the Phillies were phamous this season.

For those of us who couldn't make it out there today for the phucking celebration, we're a little fuzzy about the scope of the merriment.

Was Adam Eaton allowed to ride on one of the victory floats? If he wasn't, was he out in the crowd, signing autographs which read, "Best Wishes, Chris Coste"?

Where was Kyle Kendrick?

Before we forget: On consecutive games during the first week of Aug., Kendrick blanked the Marlins to improve to 10-5 the day before Cole Hamels lost to the Marlins to fall to 9-8.

Don't gimme that, "Kyle who?"

It was nice of Moyer to make mention of Kendrick during the postgame excitement two nights ago.

Days like this are perfect for walking up to Brick Myers in his street clothes and asking, "Clay Condrey, will you sign this ball for my niece?" -- leading him to reply, "I'm not Clay Condrey" -- to which you'd say, "That's swell, 'cuz I don't have a niece, whoever the fuck you think you are" (knowing full well that it was Brick Myers w/ his moustache-less goat-tee).

Ri-ri-ri-right ... we're 'sposed to lay off Brick -- until his talent and mental makeup go south next season.

To his credit, though, Myers broke the ESPN Theorem of how Reformed Sex Addict Steve Phillips sez you're 'sposed to perform.

Thank god they don't play these games on paper any more.

If they did, the Cubs and Red Sox would've won every game, 6-0, until meeting in the World Series wherein all seven games would've been decided by a 4-3 score.

Yet, while the Cubs were lining up their playoff pitching staff (watch out, world! it's Dempster! Zambrano! Harden! and here comes Kerry Wood out of the 'pen! ... oh, "never mind" ... ), something went horribly wrong.

Such as not enough motherphuckers get the phucking job done in a performance-based paradigm.
There's yer phucking U.S. pro baseball sweepstakes triumph.

OF COURSE, we're already starting to hear the increasing negativity as the early TV-ratings numbers trickle in.

This World Series will probably go down as the least-watched of all-time.

Which makes perfect sense, since it wasn't Manny vs. Boston ...

Or Manny vs. the Yankees ...

Or Manny vs. Cleveland ...

Or Cubs vs. Chisox ...

Or the Los Angeles Dodjerks of Culver City vs. the California Angels of The Big A ...

Or because it wasn't Francona vs. Torre ...

Or because it wasn't Papelbon vs. Brazoban ...

Or Kuroda vs. Dice-K ...

Or because it wasn't Fuckingdummy playing RF for the Cubbies and battin' a robust .266 and makin' the All-Star team ...

Or because it wasn't Scioscia vs. Piniella ...

Or because the high-flyin' Rockies (shhhhhh ... they weren't a fluke!) couldn't be here this year ...

Or because the most-popular player of all-time, Kirby Puckett, missed the postseason because, um, he's dead ...

Or because Ozzie Guillen wasn't available to out-F-bomb Utley ...

It's easy to see why Philly-TB would be a ratings dog, given that each team has some of the best young talent in the game w/ stars ranging from Howard to Longoria to Rollins to Upton to Hamels to, jeez ... there's too many to mention.

DAMMIT, America ... why can't we get Giambi into the World Series every year???!!!

Why do we HAVE to put up with watching Lights Out Lidge when we NEED to be talking about Mariano Rivera?

Why do we have to watch Rollins doin' a little of everything when we NEED to be talking about Jeter's leadership??? (Note: Jeter can go 0 for 4, but his leadership oftentimes wills the Yankees to victory ... Rollins goes hitless in one AB and his own fans wonder why he didn't hit a 5-run homer while stealing second and third base in that one AB ... ).

Just thinking about how the Disneyland Baseball Channel obsesses w/ the Pinstripers/Bosox makes ya wanna burn either your "Yuck The Fankees" t-shirt -- or to have Chutley tell America to phuck the phucking Yankees (and the phucking Red Sox).

And, seriously ... who gives a phlying phuck if this was viewed as a "boring" World Series? It's always a boring, unwatchable World Series when your team isn't there -- or when Disneyland Baseball doesn't tell ya who to root for (or who to bet on).

Would a topless Jeannie Zelasko have spiced up matters?

If people want Dullsville, they need to check out the 1943 World Series or the 1999 World Series or the 1963 World Series or the 2004 World Series or the 2006 World Series or the 1984 World Series or the 2007 World Series or -- the worst of 'em all -- the 1994 World Series.

This one?

Not even close ... in fact, that S.I. w/ Ruiz and Baldelli on the cover called it "a connoisseur's classic."

That's probably a stretch -- but, here's the catch: America needs to get used to it.

'Cuz these are the teams which'll be playing for all the marbles next year ...


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