In short ... THERE GOES THE WILD-CARD PLAYOFF BERTH!
Down the phrickin' drain ...
Despite this development, some of us are not gettin' all gloomy and disconsolate. In other words, we're turning a frown upside-down.
That's because -- as everyone who is pro-Pitchfork recalls -- the Phillies ended the '06 season with 9,956 losses in franchise history ... hence, with each new, exciting and unique "L," we draw closer to the magical 10,000-loss milestone.
Since 1883, it's been a heritage of losers losing in Loserville.
Now, it's time to embrace that defeatist attitude.
10 Grand ...
10 K ...
It calls to us ... that is, to those of us who don't actually live in Loserville, but who have phaithphully phollowed the goings-on of said ballclub since 1974 or 1975.
Back in the ol' days, some of served as the superintendent of the West Coast Bureau of Phillie Affairs -- a title, which, at the time, was largely ceremonial since we'd never actually been to Passyunk and 9th and experienced, first-hand, the divide between the Pat's-vs.-Geno's loyalists.
Still, some of us were there (in spirit) for Historic Loss No. 9,000 back in '95 (in extras vs. St. Loo), so we're lining up our schedule to be there in person for Historic Loss No. 10,000 -- in one of the rare MLB games we'll pay for since The Strike of '94 caused us to leave a puddle of micturation on the wall atop the ramp on the Pattison side of The Vet one week into said strike.
After the Phillies are finished peeing on the field following that defeat which'll put their record at 37-44 close to the All-Star Break, we should all pee in unison (but not on the concrete anywhere near Ashburn Alley) -- y'know, kinda like the manner in which the gangstuzz dump a 40 on the ground to honor a dead gangstuh.
But, this upcoming 82-80 season of '07 (following last year's magical 85-77 season ... which was better, as we know, than St. Loo's 83-78 record en route to a World Championship -- additional proof, by the way, that A PLAYOFF SYSTEM SIMPLY DOES NOT WORK!) can be more than the negativity generated by the heartache of 10,000 losses.
If nothing else, at least it's a good thing that John Vukovich won't be around to be reminded that 10,000 losses isn't much different than his own .161 career batting average.
Vook was the ideal face of the Phils ... recognizable, but not all that talented.
A lovable loser, emphasis on "lovable."
We've seen the big block letters in The Cit's third-base coach's box -- VUK -- and the irony here is that the Phillies' new third baseman, Wes Helms, is wearing Vook's #18.
It doesn't seem quite right that a player who will end the '07 season with 11 homers, 43 ribbies and a .254 average should get to wear the #18 which Vook wore for all those years as the third-base coach after Richie Hebner and Chris James wore their #18's with such distinction and flair.
To balance out matters, the Phils' Opening Day RF was ... ummmm ... "Jayson Werth"?
How many days 'til the Philly boobirds begin the "worth-less! worth-less!" sing-song chant?
There are so many factors which are guaranteed to make the '07 season the most-unforgettable '07 season ever (at least, probably more memorable than that 1907 season when pitcher Togie Pittinger fell short of expectations -- in the eyes of many -- when he won only nine games and when first baseman Kitty Bransfield batted a disappointing .233 for the 83-64 squad which probably should've made more of a run at the 107-45 Cubs).
Those were some great times ... back in the day of Togie and Kitty.
Togie -- whose real first name was "Charles" -- died in 1909 ... two days after his 37th birthday.
Maybe from tuberculosis.
No one's really sure.
And, in the grand scheme of things, no one can predict if the 2007 season will be greater than the 1907 season or the 2107 season.
However, when we're not X-ing out the losses to 10,000, we can occupy ourselves with the enjoyment of watching an athlete named Pat Burrell showcasing his raw athleticism.
Pat The Bunny began to day with a 301-game streak of zero stolen-base attempts.
That number is up to 302 -- which, isn't as bad as it sounds for a guy who cannot outrun most paraplegics.
That's "paraplegics sans wheelchairs."
Nuthin's more fascinating than watching Pat The Bunny lead off an inning with a single and camping his athleticism on first base as he waits for two ground-rule doubles and a triple to get him across home plate.
That's why some of us like to call him "WheelsBurrell."
'Cuz Pat The Bunny and a wheelbarrow don't work so good with their bad wheels.
Stop laughing, Shane Victorino, you Flyin' Hawaiian. If you're such a speedster, how come you played in 153 games last year and stole a robust 4 bases and got thrown out 3 times on SB atts.?
Jeepers, it's gonna be another "barrel" or fun this season ...