Sunday, March 12, 2006

Bracket This!

Selection Sunday?
That sounds a lot more formal – in a pretentious, artificial way – than a Lazy Sunday wherein Mr. Pibb and Red Vines equals crazy delicious.
There’s plenty that's crazy (but nothing delicious) about NCAA rec-league b-ball (which they really should be playing outdoors somewhere … anywhere in a neighborhood near you in Blacktop, USA).
We got winner.

Look … Selection Sunday lost all of its glitter at the precise moment yesterday when the Hurryin’ Hoosiers couldn’t get past the Black-Eyed Buckeyes, and, thus, down the drain went a classic, vintage face-off today between Iowa’s EREK Hansen vs. Indiana’s ERREK Suhr.

So, many Americans (except this one) will be stuck watching that “Jekel and Hide” exhibition on CBS.
That’s right … my main man, Jekel Foster from THE Ohio State University, continues his 3-point shooting slump, which has now reached Biblical proportions.
To update: Since his red-hot, 4-game streak (Jan. 30-Feb. 12) when he made America believe in itself again after he sank 21 of 27 treys (77.77777 percent), Jekel Foster has played eight games and he's converted 7 of 52 threes (a wicked 13.46153 percent).
In the past week, Jekel went 1 of 9 vs. Purdue; 0 of 5 vs. Penn State; and 0 of 10 vs. Indiana – and, that’s why we call it “Jekel and Hide,” boys n’ girls.
JEKEL spots up from 20 and OSU fans HIDE their heads by pulling their Blackeye sweatshirts up over their faces.
Nuthin’ but the side of the backboard, beee-yotch!
(Insert Batman-like sounds here, such as “Bwof!” … and “Zunk!” … and “Glrt!” … and “Kak!”)

If Jekel makes two treys today and misses nine, his recent percentage of un-hotness will increase from 13.46153 to 14.28571.
Put that in your little bracket and bracketize it, Joe Lunardi.
Just close the bathroom door when you’re busy with it, okay?
And don’t forget to Glade when you’re done …

Now that ya mention it, watching that little butterball Joe Lunardi shoot baskets alone in a gym might be better than 98 percent of the tourney which is still part of my boycott.
Did I mention that it was a naked Joe Lunardi?

I couldn’t believe how I caved yesterday and momentarily lifted my lifetime ban from college b-ball on TV in my living room – but, just so you know that my heart was in the right place, I did it only to gawk at the final two-plus minutes of the twisted metal, the shattered glass, the flaming wreckage and complete carnage which was the final two-plus minutes of the OSU-IU game.
Y’know … just in case the Mrs. (an IU grad) needs me to fill out the survey
“How Many Things Did You Find Objectionable About This Contest?”
Those boys didn’t disappoint …

One of my mistakes, however, was to keep the sound on, therefore Billy Packer violated me with,
“A really fantastic ballgame by these two teams.”
Two teams which combined to shoot 33 percent.
That’s Packer for ya … taking a cavalcade of poor shot selection, unwise clock management, half-assed boxing out, lackadaisical screen-setting and tentative, unintelligent defense and, well … if it’s going to hell in a handbasket, Packer’s gonna put a pretty bow on the basket.
To think: Only two more weeks ‘til the announcement that Dickie V. is going to the Hall of Fame.
He’s a real P.P.A. (piss-poor announcer), bayyyyy-beeeee.

What I like most about the ‘05/’06 season which I’ve gone great lengths to ignore is the rule which was recently instituted whereby if the score is not tied 25-25 at halftime, then one team is mandated to go into a one-basket-in-10-minutes funk and the other team is required to score no more than three or four baskets during that stretch.
It’s the new courtesy rule – nuthin’ like the old days when, if a team went into a scoring drought, they wouldn’t emerge from it trailing by six or seven, but, rather TRAILING BY 22!

You’d think that more teams would violate the “let’s be good neighbors” policy and really press their sneaker to the other team’s throat, if for no other reason than to build a 30-point lead so that the autistic team manager can get into the game and start jacking up 3-balls in the worst publicity stunt of 2006.

It’s too fatiguing to watch b-ball teams try to out-mediocre one another with less-than-mediocre talent and smarts.
Makes ya wanna watch more Lifetime Network programing.
Or … maybe this very intriguing World Baseball Classic – an event which definitely scratched me where I itched last week.
The first-round action in Pools A thru D had something to offer which college b-ball doesn’t – talent and team chemistry.
Best of all, it’s all Packer-less and Dickie V.–free!

We'll explore that in greater detail mometarily ...

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