Monday, January 23, 2006

Ko-beee Dokee

Leave it to EspyTime Theater (what the Pitchfork has been calling ESPN for years) to lead the early-morning SporkCenter (what the Pitchfork has been calling SportsCenter for years) with Kobe's 81 points with the Steelers/Seahawks Super-Bowl-berth stories tossed into the backseat.

Fun fact: It was the Toronto Craptors, everybody.
Give ME 46 shots against the Craptors and I'm gonna get ya 64, maybe 67 if I have that second bowl of Wheaties and an extra handful of amphetamines.
It was the Toronto Craptors, people!
The only thing missing was the red-white-n'-blue ball, Meadowlark tossing a bucket of confetti on a giggling eight-year-old in the front row, Curly Neal and his 10 red-white-n'-blue wristbands perfoming a dribbling exhibition and Cobes bending that skank over a chair at Cordillera.
Oh yeah ... "allegedly."
(Let's all whistle "Sweet Georgia Brown" right now, shall we?)

EspyTime Theater leading SporkCenter with Cobes ... and then with Stooge Scott doin' the narration ... jeez. More Drano for my morning juice, please.
A more-meaningful (and timely) feature could've been if EspyTime had led with pitch-by-pitch highlights of that night in '93 when St. Louis Cardinal Mark Whiten crushed those four homers and had 12 RBI in that game at Riverfront.
That's a record, y'all.
That's some bananas, ginormous homerzizzle in the Cincinn-nuhtizzle.

Well, that's SoCal b-ball for ya, though. Folks in the L.A. basin needed Cobes to make them smile again after what they saw UCLA do against West Virginia in Westwood one day earlier.
UCLA's Arron Afflalo and Michael Roll combined to go 0-of-12 on 3-pointers.
Those sharpshooters can take some solace in the fact that A) Teammate Luc Richard Mbah a Moute was a monster on the glass (13 rebs) and that B) WVU's Kevin Pittsnogle and his disturbing new tatts went 0 of 5 on treys.

Solution: UCLA getting the Craptors on the sked.
"Lookit that, Bill! Geese Ausby just shot a free throw AND THE BASKETBALL IS ON A STRING!!! Now I've seen everything!"

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