Friday, April 23, 2010

The BIG BENigma

Because Oklahoma Sooner star basketball player Carlee Roethlisberger's big bro is now a "pariah," Rodge The Commish will strongly recommend that all of us who have counterfeit ROTHLESBURGER 7 jerseys which we've been selling outta the trunk of our cars for the past three years destroy that merchandise either by bonfire or wood chipper.

'Cuz that's what a commish does.

He commishes.

And enforces.

Make no mistake: Rodge wants America to know that he's a pro-active crimebuster.

He's pre-emptive, too.

Which is why, when America is finished destroying all of its $275 authentic
ROETHLISBERGER 7 jerseys, its counterfeit ROTHLISBURGER 7 jerseys and its ROETHLISBERGER 10 Oklahoma Sooner women's b/ball tank tops, there might be a market, after all is said and done, for a COLLIER 7 Steelers jersey -- in recognition of the fine work that Reggie Collier did as the Steelers' strike replacement backup QB (to the unforgettable Steve Bono) during the NFL players' strike of '87.

And, because he was a Steelers #7 who is NOT the recently super-unpopular Roethlisberger.

As it stands, the Steelers' Ben-igmatic QB is scheduled to miss anywhere from 4-6 games to open the season, which isn't as bad as it sounds considering that the Black N' Gold missed the playoffs last season with the Big Ben-igma available for 15 of 16 games.

Hence, now is not the time to re-hash those bitter defeats to the Browns and Raiders, not to mention two that'll-piss-ya-off-to-your-core games which got away vs. Cinshitnati.

Instead, we're acting all introspective because Rodge The Commish administered his commissioner-doing-his-commissioner-like-due-diligence suspension based not on crimes which Roethlisberger may or may not have actually committed against two women who actually may or may not be sluts or psychopaths (or both), but for the QB's allegedly besmirching of "the values" which the NFL shield stands for.

In the case of
Rodge v. Roeth, Goodell played God and cited the QB's violation of the NFL's so-called personal conduct policy (in legalese, they call it something like "moral terpitude") and made it clear to America that Bad Ben has somehow established a pattern of behaviour for dickheadedness.

According to Rodge.

Roeth's mistake was that he maybe got himself entangled w/ psycho chicks and maybe matters got outta hand and maybe the ground can't cause a fumble, et cetera ...

Rodge, however, is guilty of violating The Eldrick Statute -- saying too much too often and offering nothing of much value other than deflection, a la Tiger.

The correct way to play it? "Brevity" ... and steer clear of the pulpit re: the NFL's "high values."

True, one of the NFL's trademarks is "giving back to the community" (thanks, United Way!), albeit we must remind ourselves from time to time exactly what the NFL seizes from the community.

In other words, j
ust 'cuz players huddle together on one knee immediately after the game and ceremonially give thanks to God, Rodge needs to wake up and smell the cha-ching! of the cash-register drawer.

In a nutshell, the NFL's core values are:
1) Gambling, gambling and more gambling
2) Fantasy leagues
3) Teams exhibiting "high values" of competition by rolling over and playing dead in Weeks 16 and 17 so that they are well-rested for mediocre showings in the playoffs (that's you, Cinshitnati)

4) Carefully-packaged and skillfully-marketed booze and tits (TV ads, cheerleaders)
5) A 47-yard pass interference penalty in which a DB (Will Allen) barely brushes the arm of the WR (Braylon Edwards) on MNF
5) The unforgiveable sodomization of Gene Hickerson (the Cleveland Browns guard who was passed over for the Hall of Fame for 33 yrs. -- and then when he was enshrined in '08, Hickerson's mind was so ravaged by Alzheimer's that Gene could've been handed a coffee can filled with bolts as somebody said, "Here's your trophy, Mr. Hickerson" and, "yes" ... that's Gene Hickerson's blood on Goodell's hands (and don't gimme that "It's Tagliabue's fault") if he can't steer a committee of blockheads to vote responsibly ... and, now, Gene Hickerson is dead ... )

Given this list ... THAT'S who/what is passing judgement on Roethlisberger???

Makes about as much sense as seeking out Rae Carruth for his opinion on the matter because, after all, Rae Carruth himself didn't actually pull the trigger.

In acting all "hands-on," Rodge set forth a slippery slope which'll entertain us for years -- mostly while players tackle while leading with the crowns of their helmets to their opponents' earholes.

Another concussion? How'd THAT happen?

If Rodge were an educator and not merely an administrator, he'd be coachin' them boys how to exhibit better tackling techniques.

Alas ...

Rodge v. Roeth is a thinly-veiled power play which'll melt like a Popsicle on a July-baked Chicago sidewalk once exposed to the untraviolet radiation of Rodge's uneven and arbitrary application of how the NFL can strive toward of better neighborhood populated by good citizens.

To the bastard children born out of wedlock to NFL players, however, Rodge's spanking of Roethlisberger is a victory for those bastard children whose moms who were banged by NFL players.

For some of us, though, Roethlisberger was/is/will-always-be a two-dimensional player who appears on our regular-def TV once a week, so there's no need to lose sleep over the fact that he might've been a prick with chicks who talk a good game (take it from somebody who spent 7 yrs. w/ somebody who had 50+ pairs of "FM" pumps >> the "FM," of course, was NOT an acronym for "fantastically marvelous," as we're all well-aware), but then get all pouty when the matter of dealing with a pierced labia isn't handled on their terms (ahhhh, yes ... reminders of co-existence in a co-ed dorm ... thanks for takin' me back, NFL, to the nights of gettin' good headache from Kimmy G. and/or Connie Rob ... ).

For those who are fervent in their battle cry of "She said no" and/or "No means no," it's prudent to always consider the other side of the coin.
The one where "no" means: "No, don't stop."

After all, it is conceivable that no matter the extent of Bad Ben's dickheadedness, his "indiscretions" might actually have been two cases of bad timing functioning in concert with two psychopathic sleazebuckets.

Rodge felt compelled to throw the flag and march off 4-6 games for "a pattern of behaviour" ... arbitrary rulings which fall beyond his jurisdiction because ["let's all sing it together"] he wasn't there.

Just as he wasn't there when Kimmy G was already shitfaced by the time I arrived at that off-campus party and, after shootin' me down for months, she was suddenly draped all over my action ... until she hosted a sobered-up Monday summit to review the E&O report, misremembering her errors and omissions, of course.

And, he wasn't there when, a few months after Drunk Kim's Drunken Night of Drunkeness, that girl from third floor -- the very tall "Connie Rob" (who was three stories tall and whom I barely knew) -- demonstrated, in no uncertain terms, that she was a selectively-aggressive, chick-on-dude tigress who knew how to completely disrupt a rare Friday-night study time by appearing outta nowhere and providing some uninitiated-by-me-but-not-refused-by-me, good-natured horniness.

And, let's not forget off-campus Kimberly Rose (Kim2 in this equation ... who was the complete opposite of Kimmy G.) and her formula for coralling unsuspecting-but-willing prey:
"Just show up."
(And possess male genitalia) ...

It's not unlike when George Costanza told the Japanese TV representatives in the "un-Karl Farbman-like" episode >> "You've been living in America too long." (gestures to the bag of oranges) "You've forgotten what it's like to have no oranges."

All us guys have a Kimmy G. Tease, a ConnieEagerToPlease and a KR Sleaze in our past, yet Rodge is so drunk on his commisionerosity right now that he's forgotten that the puntang power struggle has many levels of under-development and over-development.
And, he's forgotten what it's like to have no oranges.

Sometimes, chicks forget that a postgame "no means no" is in direct conflict to a "green means 'go' " paradigm during the heat of battle.
If Goodell and his God Complex had "been there" to rule on the Kimmy G./Too Tall Connie "indiscretions" based on chick bias, agendas and misrepresentation, I'd've been suspended for anywhere from 5 to 15 games during the intramural season when it was those chicks initiating the direct action of violating my personal space.

So, "yeah" ... it WAS worth it to victimize Six-Three Conn-Nee in those games of Quarters.
She wasn't actin' like a "victim" after she was escorted back to her room (tah-dah!)

Sometimes, naughty chicks ruin a good guy's good reputation, only, right now, it doesn't seem as though Bad Ben has a CheckOutMyNewGirlfriendCynthia which he can wave in their faces.
Cyn had some wheels, everybody agreed ...

With his busy schedule, maybe Bad Ben doesn't have the means to find a leggy Cyn of his own -- and, to those who condemn a 28-year-old for mixin' it up w/ a 20-year-old, let's not forget what science has taught us:
At 28, men are 2 yrs. shy of their sexual potency.
At 20, chicks are 2 yrs. past their sexual potency.
Hey, that's nature talkin', not me >> the 30-year-old dude and 18-year-old chick never works on the levels of societal compatibility ... but, it's a sexual neutron bomb.
Which is why the 25-year-old guy and his 25-year-old wife usually run out of gas less than 2 yrs. into their marriage.
After that, they're playin' out the string ...
Oftentimes, with kids attached (yee haw!) ...
But, enough of every relationship outside my own marriage ...
What matters is that Bad Ben is falling far behind in the QB relations race, since he hasn't pulled a Tom Brady and produced a bastard son w/ the co-star of "I, Robot" ... and he hasn't pulled a Jeff Garcia and pulled a Playboy bunny out of his hat ... and he hasn't pulled a Kyle Boller and gotten himself engaged to a Miss California who has a smokin'-hot sex tape in circulation.

[Shhhhhhh! Nobody mention the time when Brady hosted 'SNL' and he starred in the workplace/sexual harassment skit highlighted by the QB unabashedly grabbing the left tit of the super-unfunny Amy Poehler -- an act which was permissable, given what the public-service production told us to do in order to avoid sexual-harassment issues: "A) Be handsome B) Be attractive C) Don't be unattractive" ... ]

[Shhhhhhh, part2! Nobody mention what happened to QB Steve McNair and how he got permanently Kazemi'ed on Rodge's watch. Rodge might've wanted to suspend Kazemi, if only she hadn't splattered McNair's brains all over the sofa before she splattered her own brains all over McNair ... "shhhhhh!" ... ]

In his defense, Rodge cannot determine his jurisdiction if nobody tells him what his jurisdiction is -- which is how a Goodell gets a God Complex.

Speaking of jurisDICKshin, Rodge cannot suspend NFL-affiliated Jimmy Johnson for appearing as a spokesperson for ExtenZe (the dick-lengthening secret which they apparently sell in capsule form) because the underlying theme in Jimmy's message is: "Remember, men ... ExtenZe will make your dick longer, but it's up to you, as a good citizen, to use that lengthened cock in an appropriately mature and responsible manner."

Interesting ... ExtenZe'll give a longer and presumably harder dick ... and while it'll turn ya into a man, it can't turn ya into a "gentle"man.
Fascinating ...
Since Rodge has a seeming selective sense of morality legislation, he might not budge on the Jimmy Johnson matter until the ex-coach kicks it up a notch and does an infommercial for a new book: "Jimmy Johnson's Championship Tips For Eating Pussy."

["Pssssst, Rodge ... the guy's peddling a dick lengthener, not a chocolately laxative ... "].

We've seen this shit before ... most recently when NY guv Eliot Spitzer went all Eliot Ness on hookers n' druggies n' such ... 'til he was outted as Client No. 9.
It does seem as though Rodge is puttin' atop his wish list a day when everyday women are no longer subjected to the evils of NFL QBs ... and we can all return to getting past what might've (or might not've) occurred in a bathroom in a Milledgeville bar and re-focusing on the women in our lives who wear jazzy makeup and glittery costumes which accentuate their tits and asses for our home team's cheer squad.
During the aftermath of RoethlisGate, the easiest thing to do was to act artificially PC and declare Roethlisberger to be the greatest asshole of the modern era. From hardcore-to-lukewarm Steeler fans, the all-too-common mantra 'round the neighborhood was the parrot-like squawk of "they-shoulda-gotten-ridda-him, awk!"

Make up your mind, weirdos-who-find-Steely-McBeam-a-suitable-mascot-name. When ya had good citizen/insurance salesman Tommy Maddox as the QB, ya got all pissy when he didn't win every game, 35-7.

THIS TRIBUNAL isn't here to defend Roethlisberger in order to justify the illegal sales of counterfeit Rothlesburger jerseys. No, we find it more sporting to shoot bazooka holes into what Rodge The Commish stands for ... particularly when he states that Bad Ben embarrassed himself, the Steelers and the NFL.

Really? Did Rodge mean "the National Football League" ... the place where upstanding fans who aren't drunk will picket games next season, parading outside stadiums w/ picket signs which read: "Protect Our Slutty & Shitfaced Daughters From Bad Ben"?

THAT National Football League?
The one with teaser bets and parlays?
"Y'know, I was gonna put 5 bills on the Panthers-Seahawks game, but that damn Roethlisberger made me so mad, I think I'll put this money into my son's college fund."

Thanks to Crimebuster Rodge, there are no NFL lineman who have access to top-notch masking agents to disguise rampant anabolic steroid and HGH usage ... because, dammit, cheaters existed in Pete Rozelle's NFL, not in RodgeTown.
Those 350-lb. linemen got that way via the bench press, the military press, squats and the Tower 200 by Body By Jake.

It's a cop-out ... a suspension based on what might be largely vague -- and then the justification of said suspension smothered in rich-chocolatey rhetoric.

Well, until Rodge patches the multitude of cracks in the NFL's foundation, he has about as much clout as Toby Flinderson or Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration.

In the end, watchdog groups fail when nobody's watching the watchdog.

Gene Hickerson is proof of that.

Ditto for Hall-of-Famer-in-waiting, Dermontti Dawson ...

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