Saturday, January 24, 2009

Nobody Named "KLOCHAK" (A Fictional Steeler)

That's how some of us spent the Super Bowl Dead Week -- bumping into someone possibly named "Klochak" -- and then later admitting to everybody:

"Klochak is not a real person ..."
"Klochak simply doesn't exist ..."
"And he never did ..."

This might be very upsetting news to 1960s weak-hitting, journeyman infielder Lou Klimchock ("sorry, Klimchock ... there's no Klochak") -- a sad conclusion which we reached when we totally-by-accident accessed and made the unfortunate discovery that the lone INT TD of Bryan Hinkle's career was credited to a fictitious character named "Klochak."

Damn you, Weaniepickia ... why must you lie?

Why must you misinform not only our children, but also our step-children?

It is unforntunate-bordering-on-tragic when our sons and step-daughters are diligently doing research for their social studies report on the '91 Steelers and/or "Bryan Hinkle: My 13 Years As A Steeler Linebacker" and they access Wikipedia and notice that line from the boxscore from Game 2 of that season (Chuck Noll's final one as head coach).

In the individual scoring summary from that Sept. 8 contest vs. the Bills in Orchard Park (a 52-34 Steelers defeat), there's a factual error of Biblical proportions ... right there between Don Beebe's two TD catches in the 2nd qtr. which made the score 24-3 and and his two TD catches in the 4th qtr. which put the Bills up, 45-27, the Steelers had an INT TD (a "pick 6") by somebody named KLOCHAK.

That's how it reads: "PIT -- Klochak 57 interception return (Anderson kick)"

Honest-to-God's truth: Don Beebe actually DID have 4 TD receptions that day. That's verifiable by more than one source.

Pure fiction: Somebody named KLOCHAK played for the Steelers.

Incontrovertible fact: The Steelers had only two INT TDs in '91 ... one by Bryan Hinkle and one by that scrub CB named Richard Shelton, whose pick-6 we all vividly recall because it occurred in Noll's final game (a 17-10 win over the Browns) when Shelton picked off Bernie Koleslaw and ran it back 57 yards, slowing down inside the 5, stopping inches shy of the goal line, turning to face the field of play, outstretching his arms and then free-falling backwards, a la "the Nestea Plunge," into the end zone.

What ever happened to the Nestea Plunge?
(Answer: "Nuthin' " ... in fact, some us still use that move to get into bed every night)

We could ask Baltimore Ravens placekicker Matt Stover if he remembers Shelton's version of the Nestea Plunge/TD since, after all, he was a rookie w/ the Browns that year ... the first of his (so far) 18 yrs. in the NFL ... although such queries won't get us any closer to the reason as to why Wikipedia found it necessary to deny Bryan Hinkle his rightful TD while giving it to Nobody Named KLOCHAK.

Fortunately, the source which usually provides us with the most-accurate, NFL old-school data -- -- credited Bryan Hinkle with his lone INT TD.

It's funny, though: When we ponder this injustice on a deeper level, we're reminded that what Wikipedia did to Bryan Hinkle is considerably worse than what happened when George tagged along with Jerry to the Saab dealership -- and then George had his Twix candy bar pilfered (or so was his accusation) by the mechanic ("Ned" or "Clem" or "Kip" ... "short name!" George barked before demanding from the customer-service employee an apology from Ned, Clem or Kip ... and that Ned, Clem or Kip be fired).

Yes ... this is much more serious.

Like when Lt. Ed Exley, son of the famed Preston Exley, assigned a fake name of "Rolo Tomassi" to create an identity for the purse snatcher who shot and killed Ed's dad.

Lt. Exley: "It's just a name I made up to give him some personality."

As we came to learn, Rolo Tomassi is the name of the guy "who gets away with it" -- at least, that's how Lt. Exley explained it to Jack Vincenes (the Big V) in Vice ... before Jack took the midnight train to the Big Adios when Capt. Smith shot him in the chest as Jack sat at Dudley's kitchen table and used his dying breath to utter, "Rohh-lohhh Toe-mosss-seee ..."

Unidentified purse-snatchers who murder off-duty cops and off-duty police captains who murder on-duty detectives might not fit the profile of the fictitious KLOCHAK ... a name which closely resembles those Steeler QBs w/ European names from a bygone era (Mike KRUCZEK in the '70s and Mike TOMCZAK in the '90s) and, in the minds of some, isn't that far different than Matt KRANCHICK (one career reception ... in 1995 ... vs. the Browns ... the inspiration for the first entry in the annals of the G.R.T. Lounge ... back when it was "Planet Haystack" ... ).

Klimchock! Kruczek! Tomczak! Kranchick! Klochak!
Carl Kolchak?
TV's "Night Stalker"???

Weaniepickia employee Jamie Klochak or Madison Klochak (or whatever his/her name is) is either pissed off at the world or just pissed that Mom gave him/her that non-gender-specific first name.

But, that should never be grounds for inserting his/her own name into the scoring summary w/o also adding the necessary [edit] or the [citation needed] tags.

Weaniepickia owes it to Bryan Hinkle, to the entire Hinkle Family and to those of us who appreciated his 13 years of service, wearin' #53 for the Black N' Gold.

Then, after we've tendered that apology in writing, it'll be necessary to burn down the house of for its crimes against humanity -- specifically, for noting that, in the NFL Draft of '84, the Steelers selected not only WR Louis Lipps of Southern Miss with the 23rd selection in the first round, but also WR Duane Gunn of Indiana w/ the 23rd pick of the first round.

Sure, there exists some "unofficial" evidence that, back in the days of the mighty USFL, NFL teams had supplemental selections ... but, data is almost completely lacking as to whether Duane Gunn ever spent more than 15 minutes on a taxi squad, a practice squad or anything more than a WR confused for "The Peter Gunn Theme" by Duane Eddy.

Peter Gunn?
Duane Eddy?
[Citation needed]???

C'mon people ...

AND WHILE WE'RE takin' those to task for takin' liberties ... that troublemakin' Rick Chandler showed some huevos for publishing that nude photo of Bones McJones on DEADSPIN yesterday -- although what's the deal with the guy in the background flippin' the bird when the photo was snapped?

Was it really the G.R.T. founder -- and does anyone believe his excuse that he couldn't find his a giant, foam-rubber, No. 1 hand like the one that Deadspin founder Will Leitch fashioned on the cover of "God Save The Fan"?

Was it actually Klochak in the background?
Was he signaling that "The Peter Gunn Theme" by Duane Eddy is No. 1?

Either way, let's sing it together:

"gimme a break! ... gimme a break! ... break me off a piece of that Klochak bar! ... "


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