Saturday, April 26, 2008

Draft Dodging I

It's not always easy to remember which the NFL Draft reminds us of most.

It's gotta be one of the following, though:

A) The DirecTV commercial wherein the honchos at Cable Corp Inc. are seated in the conference room and that one knucklehead says, "This is what I learned at business school ... when I read about business school ... in a book."

B) The "Seinfeld" episode wherein Jerry is visiting his parents in Florida and, while talking on the phone with Elaine, comes to learn that George is completely dismayed that Jerry chose Elaine to pick up Jerry's mail ... which prompts Jerry to entrust George with a special (but made-up) project -- flushing the toilet in Jerry's apartment every few hours so that the gaskets don't dry out. "You MUST exercise the gaskets, George!"

C) The occasion when Dunder Mifflin regional manager Michael Scott spends his lunch hour defeating the company's assistant to the regional manager Dwight Schrute (who insists that he's the assistant regional manager) in a super-sissy version of karate -- and then offering some fake-tough-guy/De Niro-in-"Taxi Driver" macho B.S. to the TV camera: "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to ME?" before smiling and telling us: "Pacino ... 'Raging Bull.' "

God bless those shit-for-brains, exercising-the-gaskets, learned-about-football-while-holding-a-Wilson-football-and-watching-Pacino-in-"Raging Bull" knuckleheads at the EspyTime Fun Channel who will try to edd-jee-kate America about which rookie's gonna be a Fantasy League pick-to-click come September.

Don't be confused: The most time Todd F-ing McShay ever spent being hands-on when it came to football was when he was an honorary waterboy and had to Cruex the starting fullback's crotch.

Either that, or the times in the library in 5th grade when he was playin' with a folded-flat, triangle-shaped, paper football which he finger-flicked across the table and -- of course! -- over the edge, leading to him holding up the finger-shaped goalposts ("the kick is good!") ... and now McShay's losin', 52-10.

It's pretty simple: Listening to one word re: football out of McShay's mouth is a little like lettin' yer dog tune your car's engine.

"Rex! Where'd you put that timing belt?!"

(Sidebar: Just for fun sometime, go talk to a real, live NFL player -- as some of us have -- and ask what they think of Kiper and McShay's over-analysis of a sport which those two pencilnecks have never played ... Kiper and McShay are more qualified to talk about Sri Lankan politics ... or proprioceptive neuromuscular rehabilitation, but, hey ... "This is what I learned about gasket exercises when I attended the Gasket Academy and read about gasket exercization in a book ..." +++ It's the same as listening to Herb Kirkstreit when he offers that slight squint and acts all serious as he speaks authoratatively about Team X's keys for success in an important college game -- odd, considering that the Ohio State Blackeye teams that he stood on the sideline for went 0-4-1 vs. Michigan and 0-4 in bowl games).

So, rather than read from EspyTime's "Big Book of Cliches" (good explosion ... plays the run well ... great instincts ... catches the ball with his hands rather than with his feet ... plenty of upside ... excellent footwork ... fine top-end speed ... his motor never stops ... quick learner ... great instincts, great speed, makes plays in space, great speed, big ups, great instincts, never quits, well-spoken, great speed, ability to close, great top-end speed, good make-up speed, incredible quickness, great length, well-spoken, his dad's a coach, smart kid, he's certainly black enough, good fit, meets a need, great speed, great hitter, excellent physicalityness, god it never stops, "you must exercise the gaskets, George!") ...

Instead of tuning in to these Fred Edelstein Reincarnates, some of us are going to ponder the Steelers' first two picks today -- RASHARD MENDENHALL and LIMAS SWEED -- and openly admit, "How the flock should I know if they'll be any good? They've never played in the NFL."

Exhibit A to end all Exhibit A's = Willie Parker.

He wasn't good enough or motivated enough or smart enough or fast enough or physical enough to ever gain more than 500 yds. in a season at UNC, so who the hell would bother drafting that stiff?

Can Willie "run downhill" (with enough north and south, not east and west) now, America?

Anyway, that's all water under the Monongahela.

What's of concern to Steelers' mascot Dirk McGirder (who some people keep saying is "Steely McBeam") is what jersey numbers Rashard Mendenhall (not to be confused with Izzy Mandelbaum) and Limas Sweed (not to be confused with the person who the closed-captioned typist I.D.ed as "Lie Muss Weed" in late-Dec. '06 ... check these archives, dammit) will wear for the black-n'-gold.

Mendenhall wore #5 at U. of Ill.-Champaign; Illinois; Sweed was #4 at UT-Austin -- and the NFL ruined it for a lot of us when they banned single-digit jerseys for everybody except QBs and PKs/P's.

NOTE: Remember what a delight it was back in the '70s -- before Kiper's Bouffant and McShay's Pencilneck & Bedwetting -- when we had RB Mike Adamle wearin' #1 for the Jets and teammate WR Eddie Bell wearin' #7 ... and RB Warren McVea wearin' #6 for the Chiefs ... and Ken Burrough wearin' #00 for the Oilers ... of course, the Raiders had Jim Otto wearing #00, but LB Villapiano was wearing #41 and receiver Cliff Branch was #21 and Mike Siani was #49 ... and Bullet Bob Hayes was the ungodly-fast #22 at wideout for the Cowboys before Emmitt got that number and ... oh sure, everybody remembers Willie Lanier patrolling the K.C. defense in his #63 ... but, alas, LBs gotta wear numbers 50-59 or 90-99 nowadays, so Andy Russell in his #34 in Three Rivers ... (sigh) ...

This STILL doesn't get us any closer to Kiper's Bouffant and McShame putting down their books about business school and gasket exercisation and predicting what jersey numbers Mendenhall and Sweed will wear.

Santonio Holmes can relate to what Limas is going through, considering that when he was drafted, he had to leave behind the #4 that he wore at Ohio State ("hey! that's the same number that Herb Kirkstreit wore for the Buckeyes!").

Holmes ended up choosing the #10 which Slash and the leader of Gerela's Gorillas wore with such distinction and honour in the Steel City (although, for some strange reason, Santonio Holmes is wearing a Steelers #75 jersey on this football card).

And, Mendenhall?

Well, he's in the same boat that Reggie Bush was (ditto for two-time Heisman runner-up Darren McFadden now) when he had to transition from his college #5 -- a choice that Paul Hornung never had to make when he swapped his Notre Dame #5 for a Green Bay #5.

Those were the days, indeed ... not long after Hall of Famers such as Otto Graham and Charley Connerly were QBs wearin' #60 and #42, respectively, before Kiper's Bouffant and McShame were comparing a 4.43 to a 4.38 (as if anyone gives a flying fig) ...

All those pencilnecks care about is 40 times and vertical leaps, etc ...

Which they read about on a chart ... which contained 40 times and vertical leaps ...

Really makes ya wonder if when Mel drops trow and bends at the waist if he "crunches the numbers" re: length, diameter, 4.43 vs. 4.38, upside, footwork, etc ...

Here's a more-pleasant thought: Limas Sweed might select #12 ... a number which is, after all, "available" considering that the only number that the Steelers have officially retired is Ernie Stautner's #70 (even though he's wearing #84 on this football card).

It's settled: Limas Sweed will be the new #12 in Pittsburgh!

Mendenhall? Give him #32 ...


1 comment:

Chuck said...

Wow you guys are old if you remember Mike Adamle on the Jets. I remember him when he was still on the Chiefs after he got drafted from Northwestern. I mostly remember him because he's the guy Howard Cosell said "Look at that little monkey run" about back in a '72 preseason HOF game against the Giants. That is a classic memory.