Sunday, March 30, 2008

Tragedy at the Miss George Mason Pageant

If you didn't see this coming, then you weren't paying attention or you were blinded by either Bobby's sweater-and-polo-shirt combo or the 1,000 ounces of gel in Lavin's hair.

Four Number 1 seeds advancing to the NCAA b-ball playoff semifinals -- the Frickin' Four -- is about as predictable as it gets even though it's never happened before.

Sorry, darkhorses USC, Pitt, Texas and Wisconsin.

And, it's a big, fat "double A ... (honk! honk!) ... emm cee ohh" to you, Davidson College of Davidson, NC.

Those pesky Quebeckians couldn't capture our imagination during the swimsuit competition, so now they must return to the heart of NASCAR Country -- only they must do so w/o the "Miss George Mason 2008" sash and tiara.

Thanks to the Jaywalks.

Other than another Cindy Relish fairy tale gone awry, the predictability factor has been somewhere between Amber Alert and Defcon One.

Probably the only thing America didn't see coming when this tournament began was Syracuse Fan reaching over with an ungloved finger and dabbing at the ranch dressing (or bleu cheese) on Georgetown Fan's moustache -- before the two hot-wings eaters smile awkwardly and then removed each other clothes.

Right there in the Sheraton lounge.

(Even though bedwetterologist Joe Lunardi wishes that he was the finger or the moustache in that TV ad, some of us had our brackets with a Sorrycuse chick and a Georgeclown chick in that TV ad ... only Hoya Gal spills some wine on her blouse and has to remove it so that Orange Gal can clean it with some club soda ... only, it's really just an excuse to slip off a silk top before unclasping ummm ... well ... )

Seriously, re-writing and re-inventing that soft-porn Sheraton ad wherein guys are putting their grubby fingers too close to another guy's mouth, well ... even though Lavin might wish that he and Joe Lunardi had been cast as Orange Man and Hoya Fan, that's no reason for Lavin's gel to invent a drinking game called "Courageous Curry."

Sure, we ALL knew that somebody was going to declare a national holiday for the so-called bravery exhibited by Dell Curry's kid -- only thing is, most of our brackets had Dickie V. doin' the honors.

Actual quote from Lavin's gel: "All of his baskets had significance. The courage, the skills, the heart (CLICK!) ...

Sometimes, our TV-remote clicker finger isn't as quick as Curry-ageous' trigger finger.

And, for we civilians who weren't there when Lavin was inventing basketball after using a spatula to gel his hair, we need clarification re: how to quantify and categorize 16 missed shots by Curryageous to go along with those 9 made baskets "of significance."

There's no denying it: Curry had the courage to take those shots -- and the courage to miss 'em.

He missed his first five shots (as the teams crawled out to a 9-6 score at the 11-minute mark of the first half) ... he had two baskets within the first 1:29 of the second half -- and then scored only two more baskets during the game's final 18:31.

In between the 3-ball he buried at the 18:31 mark and the one he knocked down at the 0:54 mark, Curry was 0 of 7 from beyond the arc.

Maybe KU coach Bill Self employed a "Don't Worry About Curry" mindset (i.e. it's OK if Curry scores his 50 or 60 or 70 points -- just don't allow frickin' Max Paulhus-Gosselin to beat ya'll).

That 10-minute stretch just before halftime bore this out:

10:26 -- Richards missed a 3.
8:08 -- Rossiter missed 2 FT ...
5:11 -- Barr missed a 3
4:03 -- Richards missed a 3 ...
3:11 -- Archambault missed a 3 ...
2:05 -- Sander missed a FT after scoring ...
1:26 -- Paulhus-Gosselin missed a 3 ...
0:04 -- Richards missed a 3 ...

Missing all six 3-balls and all three FT might work in those rugged conference games against The Citadel and the Furman Palladins, but, c'mon ...

No, seriously ... "c'mon."

These are the regional finals -- not a relaxed setting, such as the Sheraton, where it's no big deal to use your finger to wipe some ranch (or bleu cheese) dressing off of somebody else's moustache (before he returns the favor later by licking the tartar sauce off of your chin).

[Editor's note: Dickie V. will attempt to use his egghead and babble babble babble to convince America that Davidson is no George Mason because, "in theory," Davidson is a hidden talent from a mid-major, blah blah blah Brick City, U-S-A, bayyy-beee ... Truth: Davidson is not George Mason '06 -- because George Mason '06 had three or four ballplayers with some actual talent while "Miss George Mason 2008" has some very nice, well-rounded, student-athletes who place an emphasis on "student" ... Proof: That unforgettable scene from the first half when the big Nigerian kid, Andrew Lovedale, went swooping to the basket ... rising up for what we presumed was going to be a dunk of facial proportions -- only The Big Clumsy inexplicably dished off when a dish-off seemed unnecessary. And then the recipient of the pass -- Thomas Sander -- took a step to the basket for the OUCH! Darrell Arthur and his #00 jersey completely gobbled up the basketball. Arthur didn't merely block the shot .. he swallowed it whole. THAT ... was oodles of fun ... ]

Davidson's dream of "Miss George Mason 2008" came crashin' down because, aside from those three 3-balls which Bryant Barr nailed within a 2:18 span of the second half, the talent-level, aside from Curry and 2-mins, 18-secs of Barr, was mighty bleak.

Barr probably shoulda been the option for that desperation shot at the buzzer when Curry -- surprise! -- drew the triple-team, but what did anyone expect from new hot-commodity Bob McKillop?

Bobby Mac's credibility took a beating when he fell into the coaching trap of "Let's Put Our Worst Player -- Who Just So Happens To Be My Son -- Into A Game Which We AREN'T Winning By 47 Or 58 Points."

Brendan McKillop is a guy who knows how to get things done while scoring garbage baskets during garbage time of a 47-point win over The Citadel or a 58-point win over the Furman Palladins -- and there's nuthin' wrong with that.

But, if Brendan McKillop (whoever he is) has taken off his warm-ups and he's crouching by the scorer's table and lookin' to check in at the next whistle during a close game against the Jaywalks, uh oh ...

That's not exactly basketball, America.

That's a deleted scene from the "Miss George Mason Pageant."

That is, the "Miss George Mason Pageant" in 2010 ...

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