Friday, February 29, 2008

Lazy Leap Day (Black History Month Recap)

"Call poison control
If you get bit by a spider
But check that it's covered
By your health-care provider."

Ooops ... that's not actually the "Leap Day Anthem," but rather that catchy verse which we remember fondly from amateur rappers, Michael Scott and Dwight K. Schrute, in "Lazy Scranton."

Those are definitely words to live by (solid advice for sure) -- especially as we teter on the threshold between this one-extra-day-in-Februruary-every-4-years thing and the death trap which is Mad Marchness.

When the week began, it didn't seem like (on paper) it would be much of a final week of Feb.
But, then, Steeler Nation was rocked by Myron Cope's death.
And then, perennial All-Pro Alan Faneca became the richest offensive lineman in football by signing with the Jets.

Some of us feel as though Pittsburgh has endured bigger losses -- and, well ... neither of those factors can be incorporated into a Black History Month celebration.

A lot of us approached Black History Month '08 with a great deal of caution, given that we were asked to bounce back quickly from the death of the pill-poppin' Heath Ledger 10 days before the historic month began.

Of course, Black History Month '08 trumped Black History Month '07, which was one of the worst Black History Months ever considering how the black community was dealt several major setbacks, beginning with the euthanization of the people's champion (he'll live forever in your heart as a racehorse known as "Barbaro") and continuing its downward spiral with the death of Vickie Lynn Hogan (you knew her as "the pill-poppin', no-talent named Anna Nicole Smith") and the shooting spree initiated by Adam Jones (you call him "Pacman") on Black Thanksgiving Weekend (you know it as "the NBA All-Star Weekend").

Now that ya mention it, Black History Month '06 kinda sucked, too, since all anybody wanted to talk about was that retarded (or spastic or whatever) kid from Rochester, NY who sank all of those 3-pointers in that publicity stunt -- a far cry from the best-n'-baddest Black History Month ever -- Black History Month '05 -- when that Korean kid was named Super Bowl MVP.

The reason that Black History Month '08 will remain so permanent in America's collective memory is because this was the month when Bob Knight quit on the O'Reilly Auto Parts-Lubbock Division b-ball team early in the month -- explaining, sort of, that he was "tired" -- and then decided that he, apparently, isn't too tired to offer America some tired b-ball analysis.

Awesome isn't the word ("mega-awesome" is) that best describes yesterday's announcement from Disneyland-TV that "The General" is scheduled to be an in-studio host for the NCAA postseason, beginning with conference tournament action on Mar. 12.

"General" seems to be a fitting nickname, given that Big Bob will likely offer commentary which is vague, trite and "general" ... a perfect complement to the meaningless words and useless information offered up by Digger Phelps.

It's a real coup for Disneyland Sports on the final day of Black History Month -- giving this nation another Whitey who, when ya get right down to it, hasn't done jack (yawn) in basketball in more than 15 years.

Seriously ... is Hubert Davis the only black man in America that the Winter X Games Network feels is qualified to discuss college roundball?

Was there really no other alternative than to give America an old buzzard who, at any minute, could burst into a dissertation about that amazing 1967 team at Army?

With Knight, all we're gettin' is a cruder version of Lee Corso -- or, if you prefer, a Lee Corso who drops f-bombs with furious regularity.

Look, no one's sayin' that EspyTime Theater needs to recruit 1990 Final Four MOP Anderson Hunt (besides, Greg Anthony from those Runnin' Rebs teams has already earned his stripes as an NBA analyst), but, c'mon ... there has to be ONE African-American who's played in the past 10 years who'd enjoy puttin' on the suit, sittin' in the studio and breakin' down college b-ball.

It makes ya wonder if some sort of "Rooney Rule" should some into play here -- and that means thinking outside the box, beyond the Len Elmores and Clark Kelloggs who played college ball 25-30 years ago.

Without a doubt, it would be a lot more enjoyable watching/listening to what an African-American named Duany Duany has to say about life (fleeing war-torn clutches of the Sudan when he was 4) and b-ball (considering that, before he was a respectable player for Wisconsin's Final Four team of '00, he was twice the player at Bloomington North High that a waste-of-space named Patrick Knight was before him).

Scoonie Penn, what about you?

God Shammgod ... you out there?

Wait! What about Adriana Monsalves? The other morning, she was allowed her one minute of overnight ESPN Deportes airtime and, god-freakin'-shammgod, the way she looked in that pink blouse was enough to stop traffic.

For weeks.

Instead, America will get an eyeful of Knight's awful collection of lame-ass sweaters (that is, unless he's fixin' to wear the black sweater where the O'Reilly Auto Parts logo dwarfs the "TT" logo).

It's a shame, really ... 'cuz when Notre Dumb's Kyle McAlarney follows up a 30-point, 9-of-11 on 3-balls effort vs. Sorrycuse from five days ago with a 3-of-14, 1-of-8 on 3-balls (7 pts.) effort (as he did last night), the Bob Knight who might've once told a gunner, "You're fucking killing this team with those fucking horseshit shots which are out of your fucking range. Why don't you find a goddamn shot which you can hit more than 38 percent of the goddamn time?" will now inform America that, "Notre Dumb needs Kyle McAlarney to shoot better."

Zzzzzzzzzz ...

Digger will nod approvingly (mostly because his testicles were chopped off by opposing coaches and force-fed to him regularly in the '70s and '80s).

America cannot/should not take seriously the word of somebody who thinks/believes that Pat Knight is better qualified as a head coach than Patrick Knight's step-mom.

Remember: Knight '08, according to the quote attributed to him, said that "ESPN has done a lot for college basketball" -- yet, early-90's Knight said that ESPN was the problem with college basketball because highlights of dunks, dunks, dunks and dunks don't reveal the importance of a screen, the pick-n'-roll, the backdoor pass, the all-important block-out when the shot goes up ...

HALT! Years of contradictions and flip-flops are wiped clean once Dickie V. shows up and offers his two cents, telling America that Robert Montgomery Knight is "super! scintillating! sensational!"

However, the only way a lot of us Americans who care about the sport (which is why we no longer watch the sport) will tune in to see Knight is if he does a re-imagined version of his interview with Playboy from '01.

Maybe if we get a "Playboy Interview: The Muscial" wherein Knight sings his famous quotes in a falsetto voice.

KNIGHT: (bangs the center of the steering wheel with his fist) "Jesus Christ! This is bullshit! I'm not here for a fucking inquisition! And if that's what this is, then get the fuck out and hitchhike back home! The fucking stepfather was a fucking goddamn fucking asshole from the word goddamn go. He fucking lied and he lied and he lied! Jesus Christ! I mean, this is my fucking life we're talking about! My fucking heart was ripped out by this goddamn bullshit!"

"OK, my ass! It isn't OK! Goddamn it, I don't need this shit with 'Playboy' or anybody else! I'll drop you off in fucking Dayton and you can get home."

"This is fucking bullshit! I don't want to hear another fucking word."

The Next Atta will find this very entertaining ... as he nods approvingly, biding his time and triangulating which college football stadium to crash his highjacked jumbo jet into on a crisp autumn afternoon when College GameDay's Jerk Jerkstreit tells America why it should feel the way he does.

Uh oh ... did somebody say that Knight will make his debut on Mar. 12?

Phew ... that was a close one.

Mar. 12 is the season premiere of "Top Chef: Chicago" on Bravo, which, if it's anything like "Top Chef: Miami" from last season, it'll be a real blockbuster.

America achieves greater enlightenment from a cooking show than it does from Knight, who is all sizzle and no steak.

That's right, Atta Jr., your hijacked jumbo jet cannot stop America when it is ignoring Knight in favor of those who are puttin' on a show with a meat cleaver and a paring knife!

No comments: