Friday, February 15, 2008

18 (or 22) Questions Patrick Didn't Ask Patrick

When we Americans learned sometime 'round midday that Pat Knight would appear on "The Dan Patrick Show" on their neighborhood Fox Sports Radio affiliate, most of us scrambled to find something on which to take notes ... a Steno pad, the back of an envelope or a Ziggy cube of sticky notes.

Unfortunately, Dee Pee lacked the huevos to ask the new O'Reilly Auto Parts-Lubbock Division b-ball head coach anything substantive which might've created a greater understanding between America's youth (read: "potential recruits") and the rising star of the coaching profession.

Although none of us was expecting anything insightful from the Patrick-on-Patrick fireside chat, we figured that the 8-minute B.S. session might offer something more than, "Did Dad prefer 'Gunsmoke' or 'Bonanza' -- or was he more into 'The Big Valley'?"

Alas, when a vanilla, sports-media personality (Dan Patrick) is unable to break free from his vanilla, sports-media shackles, America's youth (read: "potential recruits") is deprived of valuable information re: the program which Bob Knight is currently running in absentia.

However, it was comforting to learn about the close ties that Pat has to Sean Sutton, the offspring of a codger who tried his damndest to ruin the Kentucky program (the same crusty jackass who ended his probably-dirty Okie State career with the admission that he had a weakness for booze and pills which were sometimes ingested in unspecified combinations).

America also learned -- once Pat spilled the beans -- that, "back in the day," Papa conferred often with that unpunished outlaw, Bill Freider ... the super-sized weasel who attempted to ruin programs at Michigan AND Arizona State.

Good stuff. Such admissions from Sonny leave Americans thinkin' that if Knight Jr. was asked about Knight Sr.'s opinion of John Wayne Gacy, the answer would be, "Dad says that the guy was active in the community ... really loved kids ... "

So, what does Dad think of Jeffrey Dahmer?

"I don't think he could of played for my dad. He definitely never could've handled starting ..."

Look ... it's not Dan Patrick's fault. Since he has a degree in Weak Schtick, it's not his place to offer something which resembles journalism. Besides, he HAS to get all kissy-face with the son of a fellow Ohioan because he's just as scared of Knight Sr. as the rest of the squids who work at the Lubbock Avalanche-Journal or those who worked at the ol' Bloomington Herald-Telephone.

In case there comes a day (say, oh ... Judgment Day) when that incestual coaching duo ever decides to come clean and face the music, America needs to prepare itself (just in case Dee Pee ain't around to lob b-ball-sized softballs at Knight, Sr. & Jr.).

The "meatier" questions are worth asking.

Such as:

1) "Since Daddy had as much impact with basketball at a football school as an economist would teaching the Nikei Index to villagers within the Uruguayan jungle, what's your master plan in elevating the O'Reilly Auto Parts-Lubbock Division b-ball program from a level of irrelevance to some level of viability?"

2) "Do you ever chuckle when you consider that you could go 3-26 and you're basically untouchable, in terms of getting fired, because, if the administration axes you, Daddy won't donate another $1 mil to the campus library?"

3) "Didja know that some people would call that 'extortion'?"

4) "How many of your Range Rover players do you estimate have admitted, in private, that the old man is a pussy for quittin' with a dozen games to play in the season?"

5) "When Dad wore that referee-striped shirt while appearing on Leno's show the other night, was that part of the 'I'm Too Tired To Coach Anymore' campaign?"

6) "Is this the type of schtick that America has to tolerate to for the next 12 to 15 years?"

7) "Does Dad keep his stale TV persona in the same suitcase in which he keeps the stale gameplan that he'll give you for tomorrow night's ballgame?"

8) "What's the time frame on Dad taking the next opening in the MAC, either at Toledo or Ball State?"

9) "Let's say he does take a job at Toledo ... would you then bolt the O'Reilly Auto Parts B-Ball Project in Lubbock -- citing fatigue and exhaustion as the reasons -- and then grab a seat next to Dad on the Toledo bench?"

10) "Did it bother you that when you, Dad and Karen were driving to a restaurant that you were only the third-best coach in the car?"

11) "Do you disagree with those who claim that your step-mom did a better job of teaching the matchup zone to high school girls than you ever did teaching it to Division I men?"

12) "Level with us ... couldn't Karen go 15-13 with this team?"

13) "How come you never talk openly about you mom, Nancy, and her value when you were a tot during Dad's 32-0 season of '76?"

14) "When Mom used to spend those afternoons walking lap after lap inside Assembly Hall ... and when people said she was nuts for fanatically defending her Duke Rice Diet ... did you defend her as passionately as you might've for Papa?"

15) "Are you willing to admit that Quinn Buckner has always been a surrogate mom to you?"

16) "Are you willing to talk about that amazing year of your life when you were an Akron Zips assistant coach?"

17) "Didja ever notice how you were like Dwight Schrute in the sense that you told everybody how you were the 'assistant head coach' when, in fact, everybody saw you as the 'assistant TO the head coach'?"

18) "Isn't it cool how you'll never need to list the Akron gig on a resume because when it comes to listing 'previous jobs,' your list begins and ends with, 'Was seen seated next to Bob Knight' -- just as when it comes to listing 'qualifications,' all you'll ever need to state is, 'Was seen seated next to Bob Knight.'?"

19) "How does O'Reilly Auto Parts view itself in the cosmos of Napas and Meinekes and Kragens and Auto Zones?"

20) "Remember right about the time you were a senior at Indiana when Dad, like Steve Spurrier, was totally getting into that Sun Tzu 'Art of War' bullshit which seemed so trendy at the time? Are you open to the teachings of Sun Tzu -- or do you adhere to what John Lennon said when he sang, 'But if ya go carryin' pictures of Chairman Mao / You ain't gonna make it with anyone anyhow'?"

21) "Instead of publicly admitting to a friendship with Sean Sutton -- who, to a lot of us, embodies one half of a modern-day Ray Meyer/Joey Meyer dynamic -- shouldn't you be striving more for a Dick Bennett/Tony Bennett connection, given that they are the father/son duo who are winning where it is impossible to win?"

22) "Whose kid was that, anyway -- yours or Tim's -- when Dad exploited that toddler during that postgame press conference last month?"

23) "Did anyone have the balls to tell Grandpa that his grandson is a human being and not actually a press-conference prop?"

24) "Should Lubbock feel sad that Grandpa Knight's grandkid won't be a freshman walk-on in 2024 or a graduate assistant coach in 2029?"

25) "Should America be on alert for that kid/press-conference prop walking on at Toledo in 2024 and then becoming a Toledo graduate assistant in 2029?"

26) "Is there a place in Lubbock where you can go to decompress after Red Rover games which can compare to the Big Wheel in Bloomington where Dad went after Big Ten slugfests?"

27) "Do you have it taped to the bathroom mirror where it reads, 'I will respond in the manner in which Dad says I should and, when America wants my opinion, I'll make sure Dad gives me one.'?"

28) "Do you have a sign above the exit to the locker room, a la Notre Dame's 'Play Like A Champion Today,' which reads, 'Yield Not To Treason; Submit Not To Tyranny'?"

29) "What are your plans for Tyler Hoffmeister? The guy won that 'Knight School' contest and then he plays a total of only 10 minutes in four blowouts last year and gets only 13 minutes in three blowouts this year and ... wait, are you saying that he can't get any P.T. because he reminds you too much of yourself with the exception that he has a left hand and you never did and that, no matter what Dad taught him about hard work and perserverance, the job will always go to the guy whose Daddy bankrolls his boy's mediocrity and %%%%{{{\\\// GOSH ... we could do this ALL night long ...

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