Super Bowl Media Day wrapped up a little while ago and, aside from that chick reporter for TV Azteca who showed up in the wedding dress and made her marital sales pitch to Tom Brady, it looked like the usual timid yawnfest.
America's infatuation with Tom The Bomb's terrifickly-dimpled chin and Aquafresh smile is so profound that, sometimes (actually ... "all the time"), the important questions remain unasked.
Face facts, America: Roughly 92 percent of the media representatives we saw out there today would elbow their girlfriends/boyfriends in the forehead to cut to the front of the line for the once-in-a-lifetime thrill of running their tongue along that chin-crater and those Aquafresh-pearlie whites.
But, lest we get too carried away w/ the meat-market atmosphere of today's event, it's necessary not to overlook the most-important role that Tom The Bomb plays in the real world -- as part-time daddy to a bastard child born out of wedlock named Johnny Moynahan.
Little Johnny is only 5 mos. old, so he cannot fully comprehend the magnitude of this momentous occasion. In that respect, that's how Little Johnny is like most of the media personnel.
His brain is very small right now ... but, unlike a sportswriter or some TV network stiff, Johnny's mind will develop with the expansion of his cranium as he ages ... and, barring the blunt-force trauma which has impacted America's skull, Johnny's brain will never completely lose function until he's well into his 80s or 90s ...
However, today represented the perfect opportunity for someone /anyone to ask Tom Terrific the questions which will help Little Johnny establish a better understanding of his absentee father (for when Little Johnny is watching the Super Bowl XLII Media Day DVD with his step-daddy 10 or 11 years from now).
It's all about knowing what to ask, rather than regurgitating the same ol' drivel. Seriously, when Tom answered "U2" when asked his favorite band, it made ya wanna follow up with, "How PC ... how popular ... how mainstream ... " -- when everybody knows that the truth behind the answer is, "My favorite band is whichever band Movado and Stetson tell me is my favorite."
In that vein, we need to have Tom The Bomb address what REALLY matters in the real world.
Topics such as:
1) "How soon 'til Gisele has a bumper sticker on her car which reads: 'Proud Step-Mom of a Fairview Middle School Honor Roll Student'?"
2) "Will you be offended if, 10 years from now, Johnny is wearing his #9 Carson Palmer Patriots jersey to school?"
3) "When, seven years from now, Johnny eats an entire bag of Gummi bears half an hour before dinnertime, is it Bridget's job or Johnny's step-dad's job to dole out the punishment?"
4) "If, seven years from now, Johnny eats an entire bag of Gummi bears 15 minutes before dinnertime, should you expect an angry phone call from Bridget as she curses you up n' down because Johnny said, 'Gisele doesn't care if I eat Gummi bears before dinner.'?"
5) "Which was a greater thrill -- playing in three Super Bowls or performing the ceremonial coin toss at Super Bowl XL and stealing not only the thunder of not only America's Team, but also Jerome Bettis' as he returned to his hometown?"
6) "Didja know that Larry Foote is from Detroit, too?"
7) "Speaking of the Steelers, when you walked up to Anthony Smith after that first TD pass two months ago, were you being neighborly and offering some of your favorite wok recipes -- or were you, as your body language suggested, momentarily shedding your St. Thomas facade and pelting that guy with 15 or 20 F-bombs which you often preceded with the prefix 'mother-'?"
8) "What will be your reaction if, 10 years from now, instead of a #9 Carson Palmer Patriots jersey, Little Johnny chooses to wear a #10 Brady Quinn Dolphins jersey to school?"
9) "At what age is it appropriate for Little Johnny to wear a Movado wristwatch and Stetson cologne to school?"
10) "After you won your first Super Bowl, you made an important documentary which was filmed in black n' white (actually, it was part of SNL's "TV Funhouse") ... and, in it, you played a important role in educating Male Office-Worker America about the do's n' don'ts of sexual harassment in the workplace by grabbing Amy Poehler's left tittie before you stuffed Tina Fey's phone number into your white cotton briefs, which you were wearing around the office with no slacks to cover them ... the summary of the filmstrip was that, to avoid a sexaul-harrassment lawsuit, the guys needed to remember three things: 1) Be handsome 2) Be attractive 3) Don't be unattractive ... do you think that's the proper message for America's youth, particularly for a bastard child born out of wedlock?"
11) "If you were to push in front of a freight train (notice how we didn't say, 'Throw under the bus') any Bellarmine Bell who violated you during those wacky, West Catholic Athletic League days of the early-'90s, who would it be?"
12) "Are you saying that living well is the best revenge?"
13) "If you win this fourth Super Bowl ring, will you give it to your bastard son or to that bastard son's potential future step-mom?"
14) "Do you find it bizarre that less than 24 hours after you, the Patriot quarterback, showed up in New York City last Monday, Heath Ledger, the actor who starred in that movie 'The Patriot', was dead?"
15) "Was that your friendly way of saying that New York ain't big enough for TWO Patriots?"
16) "Whaddya gonna buy for Johnny's fifth birthday in 2012 ... a dirt bike or an X-Box?"
17) "Do you believe that you're the football version of 'The Jeter Effect' ... by that, we mean that guys in their 20s whose girlfriends wear Jeter #2 Yankee gear fantasize about the dreamboat, can-do-no-wrong athlete in the buff as much as their girlfriends do?"
18) "Didn't ya find the Patriots so much more lovable when the logo on the side of the helmet was that friendly Minuteman prepared to hike the football?"
19) "Why is it that in the TV ads for Gillette Fusion, the athletes chosen were Tiger, Federer and somebody named Thierry Henry? You're the most-famous footballer on the planet ... you play in GILLETTE Stadium ... and a footballer named Thierry Henry was chosen to round out the Big Three? 'Zup wiff dat?"
20) "Didja know that former Patriot QB Hugh Millen was born on Nov. 22, 1963 ... the day that JFK was assassinated? Coincidence?"
21) "What was a bigger thrill for you -- sitting in the gallery for one of President Bush's state of the union speeches, shaking hands with Pope John Paul II or performing the ceremonial coin toss for a Jerome Bettis Super Bowl?"
22) "Did it dawn on you that one half of America thought such appearances were pretentious and artificial while the other half of America smiled and sighed, 'Tom Brady is more powerful than any President since Teddy Roosevelt and more beloved than Pope Pius X'?"
23) "How would you take down al-Qaeda?"
24) "How many poopy diapers have you changed this month?"
25) "How many poopy diapers has al-Qaeda changed this month?"
26) "As a celebrity power couple, do you and Gisele outrank Joltin' Joe and Marilyn? What about Bob Waterfield and Jane Russell? What about when Jeter was with Mariah?"
27) "Do you think that Little Johnny will be happier that Tara Reid is not his step-mom or more thankful that Tara Reid is not his natural mother?"
28) "In that movie, 'I, Robot,' Will Smith was not wearing a shirt in a few scenes. Was it a bad career move by the mother of your bastard child to NOT volunteer to do some of her scenes while topless?"
29) "Is it possible that hot chicks are drawn merely to the tag 'NFL QB' rather than what you bring to the table, lookswise and personality, given that creepy-lookin' NFL QBs with marginal talent such as Jeff Garcia and Tim Hasselbeck pulled in wool comparable to Gisele when they bagged and then wed Carmela and Elisabeth?"
30) "Do you realize that if Kyle Boller played for the Patriots, he'd be The New Messiah?"
+ + + + GOOD GRAVY ... this could go on all night ... and on and on and on into the weekend ...