Saturday, December 15, 2007

The Obvious Andy Pettitte Punchline

"Sure, HGH is illegal, but, c'mon ... it's Andy Pettitte and he's A) a darn, swell guy B) a fantastic competitor and C) he'd never consider mainlining heroin in the dugout."

That's what America can look forward to during the next few weeks/months -- several "aww, shucks" confessions from those whose names appeared on the Mitchell Hit List.

Naturally, the Winter X Games Channel summarily exonerated Pettitte once Andy's confession became the lead story on the SportsCenter which followed the Wisconsin-Whitewater/Mount Union Div. II championship game.

Both Kurkjian and sex-addict Phillips (ret.) echoed the same "he's-a-good-guy-and-a-real-tough-competitor" characterization -- except neither remembered to read that part of the script which read: "The HGH probably didn't even belong to him ... and he felt so dirty after using it that he immediately marched into the bathroom and flushed it down the toilet."

The truth is, what we'll be hearing from ballplayers who got Mitchelled won't be much different than waht we've heard when Dateline NBC's Chris Hansen has those heart-to-heart chats with assorted pedofiles on episodes of "To Catch A Predator."

Hansen: "What are you doing here, anyway?"
The MLB: "I wuzzint gonna do nuthin'. Just talk."
Hansen: "You drove four hours to get here ... to just talk?"
The MLB: " 'at's right."
Hansen: "In your e-mail, you wrote, 'I can show you my big blank ... and then I'll jam it in blank ..."
The MLB: "I didn't mean nuthin'. That's just stuff y'say, y'know?"

For clarification, "Blank 1" is "syringe" ... and "Blank 2" is "right buttock."
And, that's a helluva lot cleaner than coming right out and saying "hydraulics" and "va-jay-jay," y'know?

Since introducing HGH to one's own bloodstream is a victimless crime, America needs to cut Andy Pettitte some slack. He's a quiet kid with a warm smile -- and his will to win is an inspiration to us all.

Clemens? Hell, every anti-Clemensonian knows that the Rocket would rape a child to pick up a "W."
Bonds? His detractors say he'd rape a child AND he'd rape that child's puppy for the right to stand at home plate and marvel at what the livestock hormones coarsing through his body has produced -- another splashdown into McCovey Cove.

Again ... he's Andy Pettitte ... he's good people.
Is it not every American's inalienable right to take their hot-lookin' step-daughter to Yankee Stadium to see a good guy/excellent competitor limit the Blue Jays to eight hits and four runs over six-and-a-third (that is, when America isn't staring at its step-daughter's caboose as she stares at Jeter's caboose)?

Since we learned earlier this week that Kurkjian, Phillips and the other talking heads at the Disneyland Sports Channel do not possess the intrepid and intuitive investigative instincts of this rising star we've never heard of -- "T.J. Quinn: Medicine Woman" -- we'll just assume that everything is on the up-and-up with these doctors who are handing out dosages of HGH as though they're doling out family-fun-packs of Skittles.

While there may be volumes of case studies on the effects of HGH which have appeared in respected medical journals, it's not our place to request that Buster Olney or Grandpa Gammons reveal if there are any son-of-a-bitch quacks who might be illegally writing prescriptions for a douchebag such as Jay Gibbons.

Look ... if Buster doesn't remain on "the good side" of an MLB'er, that MLB'er might cull from a limited vocabulary an invective -- such as an "F you!" or an "F you, mother(tr)ucker!"

And then how's that doctor gonna feel when he doesn't get free O's tix any more, not to mention an autographed bat to take home to Caleb (who was born as the divorce papers were filed) from one of America's favorite rusty-haired .258 career hitters?

Why would Kurkjian run the risk of ruining three lives (his own, Jay Gibbons' and the quack's) for the sake of something which might draw us nearer to the truth?

Besides, that's a job for T.J. Quinn, Medicine Woman

It's easier for the baseball bunch at the Texas Hold 'Em Channel to remain on Pettitte's good side (that's because everyone remembers what happened to Jim Gray at the '99 World Series ... when he peppered Pete Rose with some honest questions ... and then Chad Curtis said that Pete was ambushed and then Chad vowed that he and the Yankees might never share their insights with America ever again ... and we all shuddered a little because -- gulp! -- Chad Curtis might not ever talk to us again ... THAT is a crisis which America would hate to re-visit ... and ESPN understands this ... ).

So, we'll go with the flow and acknowledge that, hey, if a doctor prescribed HGH for Andy Pettitte, then that doctor probably had a darn good reason. There are doctors out there who'll tell ya that HGH is as safe as Flintstone Chewables, so, go ahead and keep it in the medicine cabinet next to the tweezers, the dental floss and the Robitussin.

Meanwhile, since Andy Pettitte has polished-up his good-guy image to the hilt, no one should call into question his right to spark up a J in the clubhouse.
For all we know, that might very well be medical marijuana which was prescribed for him.
Or maybe the weed doesn't even belong to him, okay?
He's Andy Pettitte, ya got that?

It's a safe bet that Selig will get a handle on this HGH matter sometime before 2015. After that, he'll address what Ken Caminiti confessed in that S.I. cover story (before he died in '04) -- that the use of amphetamines is widespread and rampant.

With any luck, the findings of the Caminti Committee For Amphetamine Awareness will be made final by the Year 2018 and a well-defined timetable whould put testing for greenies/uppers/speed at or around the Year 2021.

Which means that Ken will not've died in vain.

Now, if only Andy Pettitte could testify before a Senate sub-committee on the dangers of huffing floor wax during a rain delay ....
If everybody can get past his one-day fling with HGH (when he was forced at gunpoint to use the junk, all the while hating every minute that he was a junkie, but realizing that he was doing it for all of those kids out there who needed him to be a Junkie For A Day if it was what was best for the Pinstripers), Congress will listen to an Andy Pettitte.

Because he's so damn likable, no matter one's own personal view of the Yanks in general.
Kinda makes ya realize that if every junkie was as charasmatic and as well-mannered as Andy Pettitte, ya'd feel a lot better about dopeheads who commit assault and battery against strangers during a mugging, just to score some green to score a fix.

"Listen to McGruff The Crime Dog, you junkies: Be nice like Pettitte and Giambi and get a prescription from a doctor for your HGH!"

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