Monday, October 08, 2007

Sexing Up Southern CARROLL-fornia

With the past two weekends of upheavel in college football bowl-game subdivision -- most notably, Colorado's upset of No. 3 Oklahoma and Stanford's mega-upset of No. 2 USC, we're looking at some juicy bowl-game possibilities.
America definitely needs to brace itself for the Fiesta Bowl which'll make last January's Boise State heartstopper look like the 1956 Tangerine Bowl (your final from Orlando, Fla.: Juniata 6, Missouri Valley 6).

It's shaping up nicely for a barnburner in Glendale, Ariz.: South Florida, the '06 Papa John's Bowl Bowl champion vs. Boston College, the '06 Meineke Car Care Bowl champion.
Corporate sponsors and TV execs are holding their collective breath that USF and BC can, as they "run the table," because nobody wants to see a fiesta-less Fiesta Bowl matchup between Cincinnati and South Carolina.
Nobody finds Steve Spurrier's USC team sexy (blame it on Smelley 'Cock at QB) -- therefore, Plan B is already in the works.

We saw the gears beginning to grind when Southern CARROLL-fornia lost to Stanford.
Much of America was outraged when 'SC dropped merely from No. 2 to No. 10 by losing at home to an opponent of Stanford's extreme feeble-ness.
After all, ever since leading Oregon at halftime, 31-24, a few weeks ago, the Cardinal was outscored, 31-0, in the second half of that game ... outscored 41-3 last week by Arizona State ... and then was down 9-0 at the half vs. 'SC.
The equivalent of two full games, Stanford was 81-3 on the losing end -- but then Stanford rookie coach Jim Harbaugh demonstrated how he earned the NFL's 1995 "Captain Comeback" moniker.

Harbaugh took a bunch of doofuses which were recruited by Buddy Teevens and Walt Harris -- dorks who were 1-11 last season (but a team which actually played poorly enough to be 0-15) -- and Captain Comeback made those ugly football step-children believe in themselves.
Handsome Harbaugh knocked off Super-Dreamboat Pete Carroll in highly-improbable fashion.
And, because America wishes it could spend every morning spooning with Pete Carroll, the Trojan drop was only 8 spots in the rankings.

When Appalachian State -- the two-time defending Div. I-AA champion -- edged Michigan in The Big House in Week One, the Wolverines were banished (for all of '07, it seems) from the Top 25.
Something would seem out of kilter given that result and 'SC's defeat -- but it's a simple rule of the jungle:
When Lloyd Carr gets a little more sex appeal (like the yummy, look-at-that-wind-tossled-hair Pete Carroll), Michigan won't be penalized as severely as it was for losing to a better-than-people-realize App. State squad.

Pete Carroll is the butt of a tired, old riddle (Q: "What's the difference between Stanford Football and a bucket of shit?" A: "The bucket."), but because Pete has a butt which just won't quit, he'd need to lose, 155-0 to Stanford to dip to No. 11 in the polls.
And, Col. Jessep barks, "You want me on that wall! You NEED me on that wall!"

The Fiesta Bowl wants/needs Pete Carroll as its safety net ... just as it needed hunky, yummylicious Urban Meyer two years ago and everyone's Senior Ball prom date, Bob Stoops, last year.
But, then Boise State totally F'ed up the "Win A Makeout Session With Bobby Suave" by tearing Oklahoma's blouse and panties during that roughhouse romp in that Fiesta Bowl that we ain't never gonna forget.
Best prom date ever!


This began as all-in-jest poke at the college football rankings, but there's nothing playful and light and free-spirited about the whores n' pimps who've turned this year's voting into a greater farce than the traditional farce that it usually is.
For those who watched the game, Pete Carroll got violated in savage fashion by an opponent which MIGHT be competitive vs. junior-college teams.

To be honest, the Pete Defeat was more brutal than prison sex -- but Sweet Pete remained in the Top 10 (which kinda makes a college football fan wanna go to the top of that building near the 'SC practice field and re-enact that gag Carroll engineered two years ago in which a dummy in an 'SC jersey was thrown from the rooftop to simulate a player committing suicide -- only this time, wouldn't it be funny to re-create Mario Danelo falling off that cliff just after New Year's Day ... wouldn't that be a crack-up, gettin' our blood-alcohol level up to .23 and messin' 'round on rooftops and cliffs? ).

Sadly, the latest fall-off-the-cliff (or rooftop) twist to this BCS B.S. is what happened to the Florida Alligators.
A rebuilt team played balls out in one of the toughest stadiums (Death Valley) and, if not for five gambles by Les Miles, the Gators woulda pulled off the upset over the No. 1 Tigers.
Good effort, good game ... and, yet, Florida dropped from #7 to #14 in the USA Today poll.

Since USA Today is the coloring book of print journalism -- and since it's a "coaches" poll furnished by coaches (errrrrr ... "SIDs") who didn't watch one minute of college football Saturday (and who spent all day Sunday breaking down game tapes so that their frickin' 3-3 team can get to the Papa John's Bowl or the Meineke Car Care Bowl), these polls carry no weight.
They are invalid.

In the past, it was annoying.
Now, it's inched its way up the food chain to "disturbing."
It won't be long until it reaches a full-scale violation (don't worry, though, America ... the emptiness in Herb Kirkstreit's hazel eyes and the hollowness of his "analysis" will get us there!).

What college football needs now more than ever is a "Situation Room" ... just like the one they have at CNN where Wolf Blitzer calls the shots and rules with an iron fist.
If we had that, America could invite Lispy McMushmouth (Lou Holtz's real name) into the Situation Room, steer him to the third-floor window and then swiftly and brusquely shove Lispy McMushmouth out the window and then boldly proclaim, "Lispy McMushmouth just received his lifetime ban!"

That'd be fun.
Yet, there is nothing fun or funny about college football in '07.
But, you're on the right track.

Gimme an "F"!
Gimme a "U"!

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