Saturday, September 01, 2007

Herb Kirkstreit & ESPN: Not Earth-Friendly

Which is a real shame because the so-called "worldwide leader" -- the Disneyland Sports Station (ESPN) -- should think twice about unleashing Herb Kirkstreit's steely-cold blue eyes (or are they hazel-colored?) and his raspy, authoritative voice on an unsuspecting planet.
For those of us who acknowledge that college football was not invented in 1998 by Herb Kirkstreit himself, we know that he wishes that he was as sex-bomb sexy as Trev Alberts and as knowledgeable as Dr. Jerry Punch.

What happened today was merely the latest Disneyland execs' attempts to sex up college football (kinda like when Erin Andrews' clingy, sleeveless tops accentuated the melons she "put out there" for the Little Leaguers in Williamsport).
This time, Herbie cut out early from the "Game Day" pregame circus in Blacksburg, Va. and completed a cross-continent trek to be in the booth for ABC's primetime tilt between Cal and Tennessee in Berkeley, Ca.

Obviously, Herbie did not travel by Conestoga wagon, hydrogen-powered roller blades, the bullet train or solar-powered glider, so ... what Disneyland's message to America was: "Please carpool to work, everybody, so that those fossil fuels which you would waste can be re-assigned in order to jet Herb Kirkstreit all over the nation and provide you with inane commentary for Pusburger's asinine play-by-play."

Al Gore's inconvenient truth is this: You coulda put a jack-o-lantern next to Pusberger and the broadcast would suffer only negligibly.
Still, it was pretty cool during the game's first TD when Cal LB Worrell Williams scooped up that fumble by Vol QB Erik Ainge near midfield -- and while Williams was in the clear on the way to the end zone, Pusburger screamed, "I DON'T SEE A WHISTLE!"
Neither do us, Pus .... neither can us!

Disneyland pulled this crap a few times last season (i.e. when Herbie was jetted from "Game Day" at Auburn to State College, Pa. for a throwaway Penn State game that night).
The amusement level gets ratcheted up a notch when we consider how, yesterday, the Little Leaguers from Japan and Korea were on their way from Williamsport to BWI Airport (just south of Baltimore) ... and the bus caught on fire, causing the kids to change busses (nobody was injured, they say).

The kids eventually took another bus to the airport, but, what a hassle for the 10 days spent in Williamsport gettin' exploited by Disneyland Sports and tempted and taunted by Erin Andrews' ta-ta's.
Alas, Disneyland saves its best jets for the hazel-eyed hunk of hair-jelled coll. FB wisdom (who used to do a real bang-up job holding on placekicks for Tim Williams, we should add).

Rather than decry the incredible waste of fuel and manpower hours required to deliver His Highness Herbie from Point A to Point B, it might be wiser if we just "played along."
To do this, Americans can pitch in and NOT act locally by NOT think globally -- thereby punching a hole in Al Gore's ozone and melting Al Gore's polar ice caps.

If every American walked out to their driveway, started the car and allowed it to idle for 30 minutes, that would be a start.
If every American who's not into Herbie's overratedness drove to the mall, put the car in park and allowed the engine to run for the next hour while he/she completed a Sudoku puzzle, we could foreseeably put college football underwater by the Year 2018 when the ocean level rises 10-15 feet.

Of course, Disneyland would, in the Year 2018, send its top-of-the-line luxury submarine to transport Herbie to that Saturday's water polo "Game of the Week" -- but Americans need to stop thinking about me, me me and shift the mantra to "her-BEE, her-BEE, her-BEE."

Most of all, we need to think about the children.
No, not your children ... Herb Kirkstreit's children.
And, Herb Kirkstreit's children's children ...

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