Wednesday, April 18, 2007

9,966 (And Other News)

Just about everybody knows the feeling of ambivalence and uncertainty when beginning the day by putting on a white, Champion UNLV ATHLETICS sleeveless T under a gray, Adidas VIRGINIA CAVALIERS t-shirt while the Mrs. is wearing a gray CLEMSON t-shirt.
That's a lotta orange to be wearing while roaming the Florida campus and spending a few minutes inside Ben Hill Griffin Stadium and the orange contained therein.

It's even better when several Gator players are performing some conditioning drills on Florida Field at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium and one Gator concludes his routine by wearing a pained expression and pointing to his hip.

Said America's most-astute observer of physical-therapy malfeasance: "Of course your hip hurts. You weren't using your pelvis."

Remarks such as that make her worth marrying all over again -- especially if she substitutes "I do" for sweet nothings re: the pelvis.

Then again, America isn't all that concerned about improving "core training" because America is riveted to the package that Psycho Cho sent to NBC -- now, we'll get a week's worth of "Go Inside The Mind Of A Killer!"

In other words, don't worry about your pelvis, America, because Cho's gonna put a bullet in it, anyway.
If only NBC could give us some more of those PSAs wherein that dork from "Will & Grace" or someone from "St. Elsewhere" can deliver a heartfelt message such as, "That Korean sitting next to you and muttering the F word during your mid-term ... get to know him. And give him a hug."
Cue piano music.
Display gimmicky, colorful graphic "The More You Know."

If only America could smarten up and put down its Psycho Cho Manifesto -- AND START OBSESSING WITH THIS BLOG.
Alas ... if only America was interested in material which was relevant and coherent ...

It's not "agendas" which are killing the USA -- it's the "hidden agendas."
Then again, knowledge ... is a powerful/dangerous thing.

Just a few days ago (in the late Sat. nite/Sun. a.m. hours), the Disney Sports Channel playfully "reported" that the University of Florida is caught in the void somewhere between "Are we a football school -- or a basketball school?"
The Home of the Winter X Games went a step further by attempting to convince America that maybe, just maybe, Florida is one of the best sports colleges in the nation (because of a track and field national championship a bunch of years ago or a tennis title won five years ago, whatever ...)

It was a cute feature from the Entertainment & SometimesSports Programming Network (ESSPN).
The truth, though, is that Florida is a cute little minor-league sports college against the Goliath of sports universities.
Wake up, Bristol.

The name of the game is STANFORD UNIVERSITY, the sports (and academic) powerhouse on the opposite side of the continent (y'know, the Left Coast ... where that loudmouthed, schtick-pimp Chris Berman does all that golfing at Pebble and, after sinking one 20-foot putt per weekend, gets it on a plays-of-the-week segment).

At the moment, Stanford leads the points standing (again) en route to what should be a 13th consecutive Directors' Cup trophy (the award presented annually by the National Association of Collegiate Directos of Athletics, the United States Sports Academy and USA Today to the best overall college athletic program in the country).
North Carolina won the first Directors' Cup during the '93-'94 school year -- and Stanford has won all 12 since.

The point tallies and eligible sports have changed through the years, but be it men's and women's volleyball, tennis, swimming, soccer, cross country, gymnastics ... Stanford pummels Florida (and the rest of the world, too).
Oh ... and the academics are mighty impressive on The Farm as well.
A 1,300 on the SAT might get ya a sniff from the admissions office.
Again ... "might."
Maybe ...

So, the next time ESSPN X-Games Central tries to promo this Little League sports program in G-ville, those of us with an I.Q. higher than 70.1 will chuckle.
And, then we'll scoff.

The song goes like this:
Florida: "We've got spirit / Yes, we do! / We've got spirit! / How 'bout STANFORD: "Later, Gators." (spits on the ground)

Speaking of sports programs who have school spirit, but not quite the talent to hang with the big boys -- hey! It's the Phillies!
The Fightin's coulda folded up their tent when they fell behind, 4-1, but leave it to Greg Dobbs to lace that 2-run single and to Carlos Ruiz to tie it with an RBI groundout in the top of the 9th.
Still, a loss is a loss -- and this one was lost long before the 13th.
It went down the drain when Adam Eaton gave himself a a 1-0 lead with an RBI double in the top of the 2nd before giving it back by surrendering a 3-un shot to Brian Schneider in the bottom half of the frame.

It makes ya wonder if Milestone Loss No. 9,966 is the one in which the Phillies learned that Adam Eaton is on a collision course with a 3-8 / 5.81 season.
Or will that eventuality play itself out during Milestone Loss No. 10,008 ... three games before Chuck Manuel is fired and Jimy Williams is turning the 82-80 season into a 73-89 mess.

(Reminder: John Felske was 29-32 in '87 -- after that 86-75 record in '86 -- when he got the axe. We don't know how Chuck's 37-44 record at the point of Milestone Loss No. 10,000 will be judged ... )

For those who are into the "Star Search" aspects of this 3-10 squad, well ... Jimmy Rollins still leads the N.L. with 6 HRs ... the $13-mil "athlete" which we know as Wheels Burrell extended his streak to 314 consecutive games w/o an official stolen-base attempt ... Brett Myers simply dazzled in his bullpen debut ... and Ryan Howard, apparently, tweaked his leg ...

That may sound bad -- but it's not as atrocious to settling into the Orlando, FL scene (here at the Holiday Inn ShootingSpree Resort) and then hearing Phil Esposito attempt to do color commentary for the Lightning-Devils playoff game on 1080 AM.

Espo interrupted the play-by-play call with, "Awwwwwwww, gimmm-meeee a brayyyyyy-k. That is so bad. Honest to .. God. Boy oh boy oh boy. Honest to God ..."

Just listening to the first 10 minutes of any game in which Espo has a microphone near him is a total delight.
Oh, sure ... it's unprofessional as hell -- but it's a treat.
Espo is terrible, but he's not evil.
He's the equivalent of eating an entire box of C&H Brown Sugar just before dinner -- after you already had TWO boxes of C&H Brown Sugar for breakfast.

"That's interference!" Espo yelled into the mic.
(Translation: It was probably an unwhistled cross-check)

Gotta run. It's time to get our questions ready for Espo on the postgame show.

"Phil, does the fact that Ted Bundy strangled co-eds in Gainesville make Ted more or less evil than Cho? Does the fact that John Wayne Gacy needed years to torture, kill and then hide approx. 33 bodies under the crawl space of his house make him more or less evil than Cho, who needed only a few hours to eclipse the 30-dead-body plateau?"

Would you like to defer to Nancy Grace, the social commenter of our era?

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