With a shiv.
Just like ya always hear about.
At least, that's one possible conclusion, depending on whose version of the facts ya like when it comes to sizing up what exactly transpired when the airborne body of Duke's Gerald Henderson collided with the face of UNC's Tyler Hansbrough.
Since the result was a broken nose for Hansbrough during garbage time of the Tar Heels' win, the focus has centered on Henderson's so-called "intent."
The moment has been (and will continue to be) TiVo'ed and YouTubed to death ... and the eyewitness accounts range from Henderson stabbing Hansbrough in the eye with an ice pick to Henderson sodomizing Hansbrough with a broomstick.
America's rage is palpable -- except that the sad conclusion is that with so much time devoted to this, we Americans get no closer to finding Darrent Williams' killer or seeing that the infant child of the dead topless dancer/junkie gets to her baby daddy, Mr. Zsa Zsa Gabor.
The judgement from this corner of the blogsphere is that Henderson was a little vigorous in his attempt to block a shot. And, since most Dookies not named Bilas, Battier, Brand or Boozer are barely coordinated enough NOT to be mistaken for Cherokee Parks, Jr., "athletic" plays are purely by accident.
Hence, when the other Dookie assaulted Hansbrough (by jabbing a sharpened screwdriver into Hansbrough's abdomen), the ball came loose and Henderson -- the second Dookie on the scene -- was a little outta control, thus banging into Ty.
If Henderson TRIED to injure Hansbrough, he woulda swung n' missed and likely would've broken the orbital bone of a teammate, thanks to an accidental haymaker.
It's like that ol' song from 20 years ago ... "You Can't Talk In Your Sleep (If You Can't Sleep)."
Additionally ... you can't walk in your sleep, if you have two broken legs.
That probably doesn't make much sense -- but neither does what Amaeircans heard on the radio today ... the UNC broadcast of the game wherein UNC color man, Eric Montross, reported from courtside that Henderson used "a closed fist" to hit Hansbrough.
A closed fist?
Was it gripping a Glock?
Therein lies the problem.
When we don't have Nancy Grace to sift through the evidence and to then tell America what to believe and when to believe it, what we end up with is another black-on-white crime victim.
As per the amateurs explaining the closed-fist policy, well ... maybe that's what Montross uses -- in a clutching, groping manner -- inside the crotches of teenaged boys, but, as per yesterday's incident, Henderson never closed his fist during the hate crime against Hansbrough.
We can probably all agree that Henderson should've received a 2-minute minor for high-sticking and a major misconduct for "hatin' on the Heels."
Still, that doesn't dismiss Montross from huffing furniture polish before he makes such remarks -- and it doesn't mitigate his denials of being anywhere near boys' crotches and being pantsless when offering furniture polish for pantsless boys to huff.
Thankfully, we can all read into any Montross "denial" (wink wink), can't we?
The real victim in all of this might actually be Billy Packer, who took an inordinate amount of heat for his remarks re: "the incident."
From what this corner of the blogsphere was able to ascertain, Packer's thoughts/words were lucid, cogent, balanced and without agenda.
Understand ... this corner of the blogsphere enjoys dogging the Dookies and Coach Shuhsheffsky as much as the next guy. However, the national backlash generated by a rough foul in a rivalry game, well ... it seems a little unwarranted.
Seems as though America should be spending its Shuhsheffsky bashing for his hair color or the way that he refuses to acknowledge the season in which he was 9-3 when his back pain sidelined him and then Pete Gaudet guided the Dukies to a 3-12 finish that year.
Or the fact that he's not a great X's and O's strategist during game time ... that is, in games when Laettner and Hill aren't getting it done with short jumpers; Boozer and Brand aren't doing their thing in the paint; and Battier isn't taking his 33rd charge of the afternoon.
"The opponent cannot stop Carlos Boozer? Okay, fellas, let's stop passing the ball to him because that's just what they'll be expecting." (See the loss to Indiana in the reginonal semifinals 5 years ago)
At the end of the day, as they say, it's sad that Henderson assaulted Hansbrough in much the same manner that Maximus roughed up the undefeated Tigris of Gaul. From what most of us can tell, the greater crime, in this case, is the damage done to Henderson's anus by every loudmouthed, know-nuthin' who never played the game.
By the way, the reasons that the loudmouthed, know-nuthin's didn't play the game was not limited merely to a lack of any tangible athletic ability, but also to the fact that easily-downloadable NAMBLA material was plentiful and so very alluring.
Sure ... they can deny their voracious NAMBLA-related appetites, but we can all read between the lines of those "denials" (wink wink), can't we?
Finally, in crimes pertaining to Dookies who rape, is that not the exclusive domain of D.A. Mike Nifong? By trying this case in the media, are we not hindering the prosecution's goal of getting a conviction?
America ... you're tainting the jury pool with your flagrant obstruction of justice.
If America was a little more open-minded and less inclined to rush to judgement, Gerald Henderson could give his side of the story and we'd move on (and get back to putting fresh flowers on the grave of America's favorite dead topless dancer).
Instead, we live in a nation of "This is what Gerald Henderson did, this is what Gerald Henderson said, but this is what REALLY happened and this is what he REALLY meant."
It's almost as much fun as when Bart opened the janitor-closet door so that his classmates could see Principal Skinner necking with Edna Kraboppel -- and then Ralph Wiggum told his daddy, Chief Wiggum: "Principal Skinner and Mrs. Kraboppel were in the closet and they were making babies in the closet and then one of the babies looked at me."
And then Chief Wiggum picks up the receiver to the phone and says, "Shirley, get me Superintendant Chalmers" and then hangs up the phone -- to which Mrs. Wiggum comes into the picture, picks up the receiver and presses the buttons on the phone.
Later ... Bart phones Kent Brockman with a news tip.
Brockman: "Okay, people ... we have an escaped octopus on the roof of Springfield Elemantary. Let's roll! Two cameras!"
EXACTLY! The escaped octopus tried to fornicate with Tyler Hansbrough -- and when the human played hard to get, the escaped octopus broke the player's nose.
Case closed ...