Monday, March 12, 2007

This Year's George Mason = Dunder Mifflin

... but that's only if Dwight Schrute gets serious about matching the physicality of other, more-gifted centers on the low block.
And if Jim Halpern can drain some threes.
Pam Beesly? She can coach us up any day ...

Jeez, it's fun to get all Vitalish/Kelloggish and use the terms "physicality" and "low block" in the opening sentence, isn't it? The only way to top that would be to fire up the ol' standby ... "the entry pass."
Soon enough, though, the talentless DiGiorno Pizza pitchman will be enshrined in the Basketball Hall of Fame -- which'll have those of us who care about America wondering why Atta didn't crash his hijacked jumbo jet into the Hall in Springfield, Mass.
Again ... this pertains to we, the Americans who care about America.
"It's not delivery. It's DiGiono, digiackass!"

As we count down the days 'til the Basketball Hall of Fame loses all credibiity w/ the induction of Dickie V. (hopefully, Vitale won't take a page from the Lasorda Playbook of no-talent "ambassadors" who allow a gal who is not his "spouse" to put her XXXXX on his XXXXX and then describe the incident in a diary genre for release at a later date) ... wait, where were we?

Right ... the crazy, mixed-up world of college b-ball -- for some, a sanctuary wherein a Jim Boeheim is a Hall of Famer and Joe Lunardi is considered a messiah because a he can fill out a bracket without gettin' all distracted by the "Kick Me" sign which someone stuck on his back.

An informal Haystack poll indicates that most of America prefers bracketizationism to bracketologisticism.
One day, though, college basketball will get it right and make the regular season mean something by providing greater rewards for the 31 conference champions.
Perennial fifth-placers such as Jimmy Boeheim, well ... he can spoon with that Hall of Fame plaque that is one-half Bernie Fine's.
Shhhhhhhhh ...

A cursory glance at this year's pairings has the usual potholes. The Florida Gators are not only a safe bet, but a smart one (just as some of us knew last year when we foresaw their triumph over UCLA in the championship game and raked in some $$$).
Another sure bet: The NCAA tournament's a lot more enjoyable once we remember that it's less-viable than real tournaments, such as, say, the Coaches vs. Cancer Bonanza or the Maui Invitational (note: basketball coaches STILL have not found a cure for cancer ... bastards).

Everybody knows that A PLAYOFF SYSTEM SIMPLY DOES NOT WORK in America, but, since Americans are resillient (but not gullible ... never gullible!), they play along with Joe Lunardi as he plays with himself.
Ummmm ... and his bracket.

The best aspect to all of this glitter and glitz of a playoff system which simply does not work is that many coaches will come under intense scrutiny from fans, alums, boosters, administrators, bus drivers and, most of all,'s Pat Forde.
Now, while most of us will sit down with our piece of notebook paper folded longways down the middle with the "Pro" column on the left side and the "Con" column on the right side as we're compiling our homemade portfolio of Roy Williams' coaching career, Forde went ahead and (subliminally) informed America that Roy Williams is the shits.

Check out today's on-line offering from Forde:
" ... the Tar Heels have every element you could want: size, speed, shooters, passers, rebounders, insane depth, quality coaching. At times, they also have the focus of a kindergarten class and the killer instinct of a Greenpeace group ..."
About Memphis, Forde wrote: "... you have to question how tourney tough (Memphis) players are. You do not have to question the Tigers' talent, depth, scoring power and coaching."

See? That's the oldest J-school trick in the book ... call a politician "a great statesman" and then laundry-list his office's abuse of power.
According to Pat, Williams is a quality coach -- who cannot control his kindergarteners and pussies.
According to Pat Forde.
He'll "pat" ya on the back while he's plunging in the dagger.
Oldest trick in the book.
Remember, according to Pat Forde, UNC's players have super-human superpowers, but a "quality coach" who cannot manage his team's "focus" and "toughness."

America to Pat Forde: "Step off, Pat!"
Roy Williams did swell job winning a national championship with Matt Doherty's recruits (the ones who quit on Matt Doherty, but who responded to Roy Williams' quality coaching).

Look ... the only time that EspyTime Theater has come through in the clutch during the '06-'07 b-ball season is when it aired the Maggie Dixon retrospective.
The coach of Army's Lady Cadets died almost a year ago (4/6/06 ... at age 28), so maybe we should all take a step back from Rick Pitino's $1,200 suits, Bob Knight's O'Reilly Auto Parts sweaters and Dick Vitale's abundant lack of ability to remember the words on Maggie's headstone:

We now return you to Dickie V at your local Hooters, yelling Hall of Famously, "Awwwww-summmm, bayyyy-beeee."

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