Sunday, March 25, 2007

The Real Roy vs. The Wrong Roy

Sometimes, what you see is NOT what you get -- at least, not until you get your grubby meathooks on the stats after the postgame show and see what a disgrace UNC made of itself today.

It doesn't really hit home 'til you add up the damage, the carnage and the wreckage ... that during the final 12:23 of regulation and the five minutes of OT in the regional final against Georgeclown, the Tar Eels missed 23 of 26 shots (including clank jobs on 14 of 15 three-pointers).

What a clinic we saw.
Green missed with 10:40 to play ... Wright missed at 9:59 ... Thompson scored on a tip-in with 9:56 to play, putting the Eels up, 73-65 ... then, with a 10-point lead, Green figured he'd play hero ... he missed a 3-ball at 9:24 ... he missed another 3-ball with 6:31 to play ... Wright missed at 6:20 ... Hansbrough missed at 5:52 ... Ellington missed a 3-ball at 5:18 ... Lawson missed a 3-ball at 4:43 ... Terry missed a 3-ball at 3:03 ... Hansbrough scored a layup at 1:41 to put UNC up, 81-78 ... Hansbrough missed at :48 ... and then, after Coach had tabbed him as the Final-Shot Hero, Ellington received the inbounds pass and, after taking TWO wide side-steps (which, by the way, kids, WAS an unwhistled traveling violation), bricked a 3-ball with 5 seconds to play.

In overtime, Hansbrough and Wright missed shots ... Terry missed a tip-in and a 3-ball before missing again ... Ellington missed a 3-ball ... Green missed a 3-ball at 1:07 and then missed another 3-ball at :49 ... Terry missed a 3 at :36 ... Hansbrough missed two FT at :32 ... Lawson missed a 3-ball at :26 ... Ellington missed a 3-ball at :12 ... Lawson MADE a 3 with 7.4 seconds to play ... Terry missed a 3-ball ...

And, the sum of this madness in March was Georgeclown's radio play-by-play guy of 31 years -- Rich Chvotkin -- yelling into the mike, "Hoyas win!" something like a dozen times (probably more after hearing a radio re-cap of that moment during the late-evening).

Now that you've seen what 3 of 26 looks like, here's what "Hoyas win!" a dozen times looks like:
"Hoyas win! Hoyas win! Hoyas win! Hoyas win! Hoyas win! Hoyas win! Hoyas win! Hoyas win! Hoyas win! Hoyas win! Hoyas win! Hoyas win!"

When you hear a radio call such as that, it seems as though it may be some wigged-out ranting from one batshit crazy mofo -- that is, until you realize that Chvotkin, when he isn't working as Hoyas announcer, he's working at the Psychiatric Institute of Washington (no lie).
A lot of us still contend that he's whack.

But, that's not really the issue, is it? Nor is it that Georgeclown survived to play Sunday only because summm-budddd-deee forgot to whistle a travel against Jeff Green on that game-winner vs. Vandy on Fri. nite.

No, this is about ROY Hibbert, not ROY Williams, goin' to the Final Four (as some -- actually, many -- of us predicted).
As it turns out, most of America's pre-tourney Final Four looks like three-fourths the actual Final Four -- that's how predictable this tournament has been.
Most of us saw right through Roy Williams' fantastic suntan and those distinguished eyeglasses he wears until he removes them during timeouts to bark at his lads.
Apparently, he didn't bark loudly enough at Danny Green to stop missing 3-balls when the team is up 10 in regulation or down 10 in OT.

If only Roy had spent the final 30 minutes of last night watching the first 15 minutes of SNL -- and jotted down Peyton Manning's approach to dealing with kids in a United Way parody, a ticket to the Final Four might've been in the offing.

"Get your head out of your ass! You suck!" (Addresses entire team) "Let's go, let's go, get back in here. Let's go. (Looks at Danny Green) "Except you. I can't even look at you. You know what? Go sit in the Port-O-Let for 20 minutes. That's right. Just stay in there!"

Moments later, when Danny Green opens the Port-O-Let door ever-so-slightly ... "WHY IS THE DOOR OPEN?! Close the door! Stay in there!"

Just lookit the raw data.
Roy's fancy-schmancy eyeglasses, apparently, were smudged and, therefore, he didn't notice that, during UNC's first five games of February, Danny Green was 0 of 9 on 3-balls.
After sinking 2 of 3 threes vs. NC State, Danny Green spent the next month (9 games) going 1 of 11 on 3-balls.
Since Roy uses his glasses only to see where he's rolling out the basketballs during practice (to the players which Doherty didn't recruit), he never saw that Danny Green is not (and, likely, never will be) a jump shooter with the range-limit of 15 or 16 feet.

Roy Williams allowed a player who'd made only 3 of 23 threes since the beginning of Feb. to take a 3 in, what was, at the time, the biggest game of the year.
Why didn't Roy have J-Mac flown in from Rochester for a guest appearance as a 3-ball specialist?
Wasn't there a fan who was the winner of a "Go, Eels!" costume competition who could've marched out there and, while Danny Green was in the Port-O-Let (with the door CLOSED), buried those 3-balls?

Roy-Boy The Hoya Toy paid the price for his folly. In the end, he removed his wire-rimmed glasses and allowed tears to trickle down his April-thru-September/been-playin'-36-at-Pinehurst suntanned cheeks.
It woulda been fun if he'd spent the postgame show today sayin' somethin' relevant, such as, "I couldn't give a shit about North Carolina right now" (as he did following the '03 championship game).
Or if he quipped that he hadn't seen such a sorry display of shooting since the night when his ol' Jaywalks ballclub lost by 3 points in the biggest game of the year by missing 16 of 20 threes, by missing 18 of 30 free throws and by committing 18 turnovers.

Naw ... the coach (who many think stole Huckleberry Hound's voice while others argue that his voice was shoplifted from Deputy Dog) warbled that "some of my detractors or fans of the other team say they can't wait to watch Roy cry at the end of the game, but no sucker's ever been tough enough to say it to my face."

Easy does it, Dep.
Here's your huckleberry right here:
" ... the Tar Heels have every element you could want: size, speed, shooters, passers, rebounders, insane depth, quality coaching. At times, they also have the focus of a kindergarten class and the killer instinct of a Greenpeace group ..."

That's what's Pat Forde wrote at the outset of the tourney. Forde accidentally/intentionally described Roy as a "quality coach," but then chided UNC's "mental makeup" and "manhood" -- which would seem to be the elements of what a "quality coach" provides.

In essence, Forde wrote that "Williams is a quality husband -- when he's not out boozing and chasin' 'tang 'til 4 in the morning."
It's almost as if Forde wrote that "Williams is a quality dad -- when he's not punching his kids in the face" or that "Williams is a quality citizen -- when he's not ordering a recruiter to put $20,000 in the account of a prospect's mom."

We're starting to get the feeling that Roy Williams has killed a snitch.
Whether he has killed a snitch or not killed a snitch, you know what he means.
Whatever ...

The thing is, it's the children who suffer -- and, thankfully, we have Pat Forde available to tell us, "Kids, don't go out and buy that Roy Williams poster for your bedroom wall."
And, kids ... remember what the other State of North Carolina coach said, "Don't give up ... don't EVER give up. And, if you can, hug that junkie named Chris Washburn and that illiterate named Charles Shackleford and embrace 0.000 graduation rates."

What a lot of people don't realize in this mixed-up Coach K/Roy Willams/Valvano world that the best b-ball coach in the state of North Carolina during the past 35 years is Bill Foster, the man who led Duke to the '78 championship game.

No one wants to acknowledge that -- or to reconcile in his/her mind that maybe Roy Willams simply isn't the man to save baby penguin from the giant, deadly boulder.
That's Mittens' job.

"If Roy Willams chooses to save the baby Eels based on his beliefs -- and Roy Willams' beliefs are not in his direct control, does Roy Willams have free will?"

Maraka wants to know.

In the end, Maraka and Mittens won't be in their balloon with Roy Willams and singing, "We're flying, estamos volando!" -- because Roy's gotta go get his suntan in order (rather than telling Danny Green to stop shooting the F'in 3-ball).

In other news, the coach with Eddie Munster's hairline had his house in order against Oregano.
"Can you help me decide if Robert Blake is innocent?"

That, too was kind of a shit game as well, given that it was a showcase for ugly Nike apparel, a 5-foot-6 guard who didn't quite sink 8 of 12 threes as he did Friday night (in fact, TheGuyWeDon'tAnythingAboutAsideFromTheFactThatHe's5-Foot-6 was 0 of 8 on 3-balls until the game's final seconds ... and, by the way, Porter was 2 of 13 on TWO-POINT shots in the regional ... which doesn't do much to shake his tag as a one-dimensional player, considering that he's a 90 percent foul shooter who could do himself a big-time favor by taking his opponents off the dribble ... alas, if only Little Tajuan had a quality coach who was as quality as Roy Williams ... ).

So, yeah ... the only thing that saved Sunday was the fact that we had "Why is the door open?! Close the door! Stay in there!" to round out Saturday and we had Maraka ("We're flying, estamos volando!") to ring in Sunday.

Now is the time to click off b-ball for another week, just to avoid hearing what a phenomenal coach Ben Howland is.
His team gakked in the first round of the Pac-10 tourney, got itself an easy regional close to home (or didja forget that god-awful ugly squeaker/stinker vs. Indiana), then saw its killer D get shredded by the Jaywalks, who opted to miss repeatedly from inside three feet.

"I couldn't give a shit about North Carolina right now ..."

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