When Tom Brady looked up from what he was doing and saw that Peyton Manning was being named as Super Bowl MVP, Tom Brady went back to what he was doing.
Which, at the time, was Giselle.
Oh, come on, America ... you saw that coming. It was the obvious joke. Also quite as (painfully) obvious was the reason why Unsexy Rexy won't be sexing anyone up -- MVP-style or wheelbarrow-style or otherwise -- was because he was unable to "complete the circuit."
Y'know ... the one which begins with "In a world where both of our cars were TOTALLY underwater" ... which crescendos to "But a new wind was about to BLOW!" ... and wraps up nicely with "PAYBACK! This time, it's for REAL!"
Since Unsexy Rexy TOTALLY BLOWS, there was no real "payback" for the Windy City Bearcubs.
Sadder than Asexual Rexual is the fact that voters who vote on such mattters have worse aim than Grossman when it comes to selecting a Super Bowl MVP.
Which isn't really news.
It's only a newsflash when they get it right.
They couldn't see that Super Bowl Sunday's MVP was Saturday.
Which takes us directly to the Abbott & Costello routine of "Who's On First?"
"Who was Sunday's MVP?"
"Actually, the game was played on Sunday. not Saturday. I'm asking who the MVP was."
"Maybe you don't understand me. Who was the game's best player?"
"Look ... yesterday was Sunday. The game was played yesterday, not on Saturday. Remember ... we were enjoying that guacamole dip when Vinatieri's field goal went wide left before halftime?"
"No ... it was wide left!"
"Dammit ... he hooked it to the left!"
That's precisely when Bud Abbott assaulted Lou Costello with a punch to the side of the head and a steady stream of F-bombs because Lou didn't care that "What?" was the name of the gentleman playing second base.
Sadly, the name of the chap playing third base in the that routine -- "I Don't Know" -- is familiar to all of the media yokels and simpletons who vote on matters other than where to score free food.
"Who's the Super Bowl MVP?"
"I don't know."
"Okay ... I'm familiar with the gentleman playing third base, but we really need a Super Bowl MVP, so, can you make an intelligent and informed decision?"
"I don't know."
Media chumps can't be blamed entirely. After all, the process gets mighty sticky when the Super Bowl MVP process involves something more than Neil O'Donnell throwing Super Bowl passes intended for The Gentleman Playing First Base ("Who?") and The Nobody Named Larry Brown playing DB for Dallas intercepts those passes thrown right to him.
Larry Brown Update: It's a sad commentary that of the three Larry Browns to play in Super Bowls, the one who would've finished in sixth (6th) place in a "Larry Brown/Super Bowl Popularity Contest" was the one who was honored as an MVP.
That's right ... Dallas' Larry Brown would've finished seventh behind:
1) The Steelers' Larry Brown (a #87-wearin' tight end in Super Bowls IX and X -- who caught a TD in IX -- and a #79-wearin' right tackle in Super Bowls XIII and XIV)
2) Redskins RB Larry Brown (the NFL MVP in '72 who was bottled up by the 17-0 Dolphins)
3) Pro/college b-ball coach Larry Brown (who's probably watched a Super Bowl or two)
4) The Larry Brown who played infield for the Indians in the '60s
5) The Larry Brown who played NHL hockey for the L.A. Kings in the '70s
A Larry Brown sidebar is always fun.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch ... when it comes to "Grossmans In The Super Bowl," Sexless Reckless did not dethrone Steelers tight end Randy Grossman -- dependable #84 who had a TD catch for the Steelers' first score in Super Bowl X (the Lynn Swann Super Bowl) and who delivered a quality lead block by taking out the legs of the Rams' Dave Elmendorf, leading the way for Franco Harris' sweep around the right end for the Steelers' first TD in Super Bowl XIV (the John Stallworth Super Bowl).
A Randy Grossman flashback is almost as much fun as a Larry Brown sidebar.
Yet, since this was the Peyton Manning coronation, players such as running backs Joseph Addai (wearing the jersey number -- 29 -- of the only Indy Colt in the Hall of Fame) and Dominic Rhodes weren't going to get any love.
And, because the NFL is primarily judged by judges who don't know what they're judging (except when it comes to railing against the knot size in the neckties of Stooge Scott and Mike Irvin), those guys in the trenches -- the big uglies on the OL -- go mostly unrecognized.
For those of us who appreciate what they call "the game within the game," every time we looked up, left tackle Tarik Glenn, left guard Ryan Lilja, center Jeff Saturday and right guard Jake Scott were winning the battles "at the point of attack," as they call it.
Except for the two times on the opening Colts possession when the left side false-started.
And, we haven't graded the Colts' right-tackle play because we heard that Ryan Diem got hurt and we don't remember when that occurred.
In some ways, you can see Jake Scott not getting any OL love because there may be some oldtimers who were feeling a wee bit guilty for selecting Jake Scott as MVP of Super Bowl VII (SB 7 Jake Scott is not related to SB 41 Jake Scott) when the actual MVP of that game for the 17-0 Dolphins was either LB Nick Buoniconti, DT Manny Fernandez or DE Vern Den Herder.
Jesus F-ing Christ ... click onto NFL Films once in a while, will ya?
Speaking of Christ, yes ... the figurine (Hank yells, "They're statues!!") of Jesus playing football with the two kids STILL rests atop the TV here -- and, yes ... Jesus is wearing the tiny, #75 plastic Steelers helmet which was taken from the Joe Greene action figure.
It's the good luck charm which saw the Steel Curtain to victory in '05/'06.
And, it serves as a reminder of Peyton's final game of '05/'06 ... when he lost himself in the tender embrace of either Joey Porter or James Farrior.
Peyton DIDN'T cuddle with the MVP trophy then because, well ... because Peyton spent the postgame show calling out his offensive linemen for what he perceived as their shitty performance against the Steelers' pass rush.
"They're not booing ... they're saying mooooo-vers."
Actually, in Chicago, the unrest re: the QB situation will be intense. Unsexy Rexy should be thankful that Mike Royko isn't around to barbecue his ass.
Either way, just so we're squared away -- Randy Grossman (not related) remains No. 1 among the NFL's Grossmans, okay?
Unsexy Rexy is lucky that Burt Grossman didn't do anything for those undeachieving Charger teams of the early '90s.
And, as it stands, most of us are ranking Lee Grosscup ahead of Rex Grossman as a top-flight NFL QB.
Rex's Grandpa Rex -- 29th-round draft choice of the Eagles in 1948 -- cannot be too pleased.
As far as the social ramifications are concerned, Lovie Smith is the only black coach in NFL history to lose a Super Bowl.
But, wait! That's not what the TV commercial reported -- y'know, the one which depicted several black folks smiling as they watched the big game between Black Head Coach A and Black Head Coach B.
The message was that America needn't ask "Who's winning?" in such a scenario.
Answer: "We all are."
What a poignant message.
"We ALL are."
That means evvv-urrr-reee-budd-dee.
Except for you, black dude ... minding your own business as you walk along the sidewalk in Suburbia as you get rousted by the white cops, who add to the rousting process by turning on the police cruiser's flashing red n' blue lights as passers-by gawk.
Red n' blue lights flashing as an African-American kid fumbles for a form of photo I.D.
NOT al-Qaeda ... no way.
Still, doesn't Black Coach A beating Black Coach B fall under the heading of "black-on-black" crime?
It's something to ponder, given that Manning and Dungy at center stage makes for some dreary material.
Dungy (mistakenly?) referred to his team doing it "the right way" and "the Lord's way" -- which seems to imply that some (or most) of the 40 previous Super Bowl champs were either anti-Christian or pro-Satan.
'Zup wiff dat?
If Dungy wants to convince us heathens that he is more than a Christian of convenience, then maybe the next time that an official spots a ball improperly or the next time a back judge flags an opposing DB for pass interference which simply didn't happen, Tony can request that the matter be discussed -- or even that the Colts return the ill-gotten benefit because, in the Lord's eyes, accepting what is not earned might be construed as stealing.
The NFL ... it's so non-Commandments-ish.
One day soon, though ... wer'e going to have a Super Bowl wherein the MVP is a black long-snapper hiking the ball to the black place-kick holder who'll spot the ball for the black placekicker.
Who wins, America?
Not Saturday ...