Friday, January 26, 2007


Good thing most os us didn't waste more than 5 minutes of our Friday night watching the Queen Bee of the Unforced Error doing what she does best.
Committing unforced errors.
In the Aussie Open final, no less.

So, the next time anyone asks what her measurements are when a sexy photo of Maria Shittypova appears, it's best to say, "1-6, 2-6, 63."
If that seems a lot more confusing than 36-24-36, it's simple once we break it down:
"1-6" = score of the first set against Serena Williams ...
"2-6" = score of the second set against Serena Williams ...
"63" = amount of time (in minutes) it took for Serena Williams to dispatch the so-called Aussie Open "No. 1 seed" who, as fate would have it, will ascend to the world's No. 1 ranking this week (replacing Justine Hardin).

Chicks' tennis ... well, there's no way that a computer can measure the amount of time it would've taken Steffi Graf to mop up Melbourne with Shittypova's feeble game.
Wait! We're NOT talking about The Early '90s Steffi routing Shittypova.
No, the Retired-For-The-Past-Eight/Nine-Years Steffi would drop Shittypova like a bad habit if the two played tomorrow.
Guess this is what happens when you have a celeb who's ranked at the top of the tennis world rather than a tennis player in that role.
Serena Williams would've had more trouble playing either Michelle Wie or Danica Patrick or Carmen Electra.

In other words, there's no need for any of us to take the Anna Kournikova posters off our walls or to burn the pile of Kournikova photos which are in a locked desk drawer somewhere.
It was almost comical how, when we saw one minute of the beginning of the second set (after Shittypova had just lost, 1-6), it was a no-brainer to remark, "This'll be a messy, 6-2, second set. For Serena ..."
Like clockwork.
Sooooo predictable.
Shittypova probably had barely enough time to get her spaghetti-strapped sundress soaked with enough sweat to give the viewers quality frontside nipple action.

It's blowouts such as these in which we wish that ESPN Classic would air a match from 1990 between Gabriella Sabatini and Monica Seles, just so we could remember what it was like when attractive tennis players actually had game.
Shhhhhh! Maria has an SI Swimsuit shoot -- and then it's off to film another TV spot for Canon.
As far as her "tennis game," jeez ... it's sad when a "better" TV option is outrageous snowmobile snowcross competition at The Winter X Games on The Winter X Games Network.

Until the day comes when Shittypova is entered in the snowmobile snowcross and she's riding topless, all we can expect from her is another netted forehand from the baseline ... a backhand cross-court, would-be winner wayyyyyy wide ... and, ooopsie, 15 consecutive netted first serves.
Which is why we won't be watching.
Because it's disrespectful to our Kitten Kournikova.

Makes ya wonder where Smashnova is when we need her.
Or Dementieva.

Chicks tennis is watered down.
And, the only time that's good is if the water is used for a wet t-shirt contest at Centre Court ...

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