Wednesday, December 27, 2006

X'ing Out An X-President

So many Americans have heavy hearts today -- not so much because Jerry Ford passed away yesterday (c'mon, he was 93), but because Robert Smigel never gave Jerry any good lines in "The X-Presidents" cartoons on SNL's TV Funhouse.
The cartoon X-President Ford never got a winner one-liner, such as the one which Smigel gave to the cartoon X-President Reagan when Ronnie glared at that evil cartoon tree and snarled, "Just say 'no' to me kicking YOUR ASS!"

Love those guys.
The made Xmerica strong.
And they wouldn't allow Clinton into the frat.

Sure, there was the athletic side of Jerry Ford, the center of Michigan's top-notch teams of 70-plus years ago.
But, for somebody who reminded the American people that he was "acutely aware" that none of us voted for him, we'd be wise to remember Jerry Ford's greatest days in office -- specifically, the two times during his presidency (mid-Aug. '74 thru mid-Jan. '77) when he welcomed the Super Bowl-champion Pittsburgh Steelers to the White House.

Just as the X-Presidents made Xmerica strong, Steeler championships during a rocky Ford Administration made us believe in America again.

Then again, Lynette Fromme's handgun hadn't misfired (mechanical failure or human error?) in Sept. '75, Jerry Ford would've missed one of the greatest Super Bowls ever played.
Ironically, that was Super Bowl Ex ... 30 years before Super Bowl Ex El.
Which was played in Detroit, by the way.
Which is where Jerome Bettis is from.
Although Ford Field is not named for Jerry Ford.
Which isn't really Jerry Ford's name to begin with (it's "Leslie Lynch King").

Most of America is dadgummed that Johnnie Bettis, Jerome's dad, passed away a month or so before Jerry Ford.
Johnnie Bettis, like Jerry Ford, was from Michigan.
And, no one really knows if this is when Elton John is supposed to break out one of his post-death tributes, a la "Goodbye Norma Jean / England's Rose / Leslie King" composition?

We may never know if Jerry Ford's athleticism is what saved him from being assassinated twice within a matter of weeks by Squeaky Fromme and Sarah Jane Moore.
But, a lot of us remember that when we were in junior high and the Steelers were providing stability during a confusing, uncertain time in our lives, we felt that Lynette, her psychoses aside, might've been just our type.
Or are we thinking of Leslie Van Houten and/or Patricia Krenwinkel?

Seems like every girl we liked back during the Ford Administration had too many Fromme/Van Houten/Krenwinkel characteristics.
Thanks for saving us, Steel Curtain ...

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