Thursday, December 21, 2006

The Make-A-Wish BCS

If you've seen SporkCenter the past few nights, it's difficult to miss the Disney Football Empire's attempt to make an Ohio State-Michigan rematch come true.
"When you wish upon a star ..."

Apparently, Rece Davis was recently crowned -- unbeknownst to most of America (the part of America that matters, anyway) -- as some sort of artificial "chairman" of a process whereupon he stands in front of a board of brackets whilst a seated Herb Kirkstreit and May Day offer smooth pontification re: matchups which will never happen.
"Madam Chairwoman Davis ... yer bracket is completely F'ed up."
Someone needs to bust it up and turn it into Rece's pieces.

Dammit, we live in a nation which has two corpses on Mt. Hood and a Miss USA who is fighting for her right to make amends for alleged indiscretions with coke up her nose and chicks' tongues down her throat and then, this ... the World Series of Poker Network starts playin' it fast n' loose with make-believe college football matchups and assorted theoreticals.
It's a classic time-killer ... a fruitless venture ... or, what you referred to in junior high as homework which was "busy work."
Nuthin' gets accomplished but, hey ... it keeps ya off the street and keeps ya from visiting a meth lab and/or opening up your own meth lab.

That's because the the X Games Channel's make-believe perameters and constricts are passe, unimaginative, non-viable and counter-productive.
If you saw "their" idea of a quarterfinal matchup between LSU-USC, well ... say that fast several tames.
LSU-USC, LSU-USC, LSUUSC, LSUUSC, LSUSC, LSUC, EllisLucy, EllisLucy ... who the hell is "Ellis Lucy"?
Again ... a playoff format SIMPLY DOES NOT WORK.
Not now, not ever.
Not in America.
Not for Miss USA or Miss Universe.

It's quite amazing how programming works in DisneyTown. Rather than airing a 5-minute feature about somebody (anybody) on TCU (alma mater of Davey O'Brien, Bob Lilly and LaDanaian Tomlinson) or a human-interest piece on Northern Illinois' Garrett Wolfe before those teams met in the Poinsettia Bowl, The Poker Channel Which Covers College Football seems bent on pulling a Bogs at Shawshank as he instructs America,
"I'm gonna unzip my fly and you're gonna take what I give you."

True ... is an option, provided the consumer wishes to root around for the news, notes n' nuggets (and, hey! Why haven't you signed up to be an ESPN Insider so that you can be spellbound by the captivating prose of Joe Schad?).
On the other hand, why can't basic cable be cleaner and more-professional, rather than looking like Wayne and Garth on Aurora cable access TV from Wayne's living room?
Actually ... Wayne Campbell and Garth Agar know more about college football than Herb Kirkstreit and May Day do -- mostly because they watch it more than the "experts" do.
And, their presentation of anything on TV would be better-packaged than anything that the PokerTime Channel offers.
Garth: "I thought it sucked donkeys."
Wayne: "I found it alienating and pristine."

But, let's just say that we played along w/ the World's Strongest Man Channel for a minute. And, since We, The People watch more college football than Herbie or MayDay, our insight kinda/sorta/totally trumps their insight.
Law of the jungle, boys.

In any playoff paradigm, the 12 teams best-suited for the winner-takes-all task would be derived from 11 conference champions and one independent team.
However, the strength-of-conference quotient must become an integral component.
And, in '06, the conferences rank out as so:

1) SEC
2) Pac-10
3) Big XII
4) ACC
5) Big East
6) Big Ten
7) WAC
8) C-USA
9) Mtn. West
10) Mid-Am.
11) Sun Belt
12) Notre Dame

With a field limited to 11 conference champions, regular-season conference matchups take on greater significance and value (thus, the padding of win totals against non-conference opponents such as Temple or Idaho or Florida A&M is virtually eliminated).
However, a playoff bracket which excludes an SEC non-champion will make LSU very sad.
And angry.
And full of despair.
But, the "no wild card" rule is the price to pay for meltdowns against Auburn and Florida (remember: we can't spell "seLf-deStrUct" without an "L," an "S," and a "U").

It's also important to bear in mind that We, The People's bracket/rankings were established and criteria-ized by steady viewing/analysis of actual football games (by this tribunal).
Bracket-seeding based on rankings derived from folks who didn't watch the games, well ... while that may be the American Way, it's not BCS-feasible.

For those of you who watched the Big Ten this season ... yeeeesh.
Hence, Wisconsin's 11-1 record receives an asterisk.
If the badgered of Mad Town need any help, it looks like this: Wisconsin 11-1*
( * -- Achieved against Big Ten competition)

If it seems like a bummer for the badgered, Herbie used his platform to proclaim that Wisconsin is the most underappreciated team in America (which, by the way, is his fault for not appreciating the badgered on his College LameDay waste-of-time).
Then, as he usually does, Herbie saw a Wisconsin-West Virginia matchup on his make-a-wish bracket and he uttered his usual team-speed, team-speed, team-speed, team-speed mantra ... and picked WVU to beat the badgered.
(Note: In such a hypothetical, WVU's three first-half turnovers and that muffed punt late in the game would spell doom in a 23-17 Wisconsin victory ... and until Herbie sees that, we can't help him help himself -- although he is very pretty)

So, with the #1 thru #12 conferences rated (see above), we can formulate matchups which better reflect reality, albeit in a make-believe context.
What you'll get is:

#9 Mtn. West (BOISE STATE) vs. #8 C-USA (HOUSTON)
-- winner meets #1 SEC (FLORIDA)

#12 Independent (NOTRE DAME) vs. #5 Big East (LOUISVILLE)
-- winner meets #4 ACC (WAKE FOREST)

#11 Sun Belt (MID.TENN.ST.) vs. #6 Big Ten (OHIO STATE)
-- winner meets #3 Big XII (OKLAHOMA)

#10 Mid-Amer. (OHIO) vs. #7 WAC (BYU)
-- winner meets #2 Pac-10 (USC)

Now, THAT'S a cutting-edge bracket (boo hoo, LSU, Wisconsin, Michigan and Cal, you vintage meltdown-in-big-game artists) that we can live with.
A Final Four of Florida, Louisville, Oklahoma and USC, sure ... that works.
Unless BYU gets hot and plays the role of "Cinder-fella."

Speaking of BYU, it's time to end this transmission because, taking the field right this minute are Bronco Mendenhall's Coogs for their Las Vegas Bowl tilt vs. the Oregon Ducks and WHAT THE FRICK!
Sure ... we were warned about those helmets, but, c'mon ...
Next up for Oregon: Jersey tops with rhinestones and crotchless football pants spangled with sequins.
Typing "spangled with sequins" is almost as much fun as typing "sequin-spangled."
Use "crotchless" at your own discretion.

Now that ya mention it, BYU has the all-time classic look -- white cleats, high white socks.
That's vintage.
That's football.
That's '84 National Championship-worthy.
ALTHOUGH ... Mrs. PF7's point is well-taken when she notices that the pants are more of a navy blue than a royal blue or, as she put it, "Steve Young blue."
I was thinking Steve Sarkissian blue or maybe dialin' it all the way back to Gifford Nielsen, but, the Mrs. is on the money.
Which is why her man wears English Leather while he's watching bowl games.
Or he watches nothing at all.

Wait ... that came out totally wrong ...

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