Sunday, December 31, 2006

Chillin' at Chili's w/ Lie Muss Weed (Sat. Dec. 30)

When your run-around-town timetable overlaps with a Saturday filled full o' bowl games, sometimes it means that you'll find yourself in a Chili's bar and maybe even end up with a basket of chips n' salsa in front of you whilst the Alamo Bowl is on the TV with no sound, but -- here's the fun part -- the closed-captioning is crankin' full-tilt.

You can empathize with who ever is rat-a-tat-tatting on the keyboard while TV announcers are prattling away in a semi-coherent manner.

In a lot of ways, watching college football with the "CC" apparatus activated is better than watching college football in hi-def -- and that's mostly because high-definition is the love child of engineers and scientists and retailers while the "CC" typist is a (maybe) not-so-well-compensated, faceless, unsung American hero.
Or heroine.

Either way, the typist performing keyboard wizardy today for the Alamo Bowl probably breathed a sigh of relief that he/she merely had to type the names the Texas QB (Colt McCoy) and the Iowa QB (Drew Tate) and didn't have to deal with the major roadblock which beset the "CC" typist for the Meineke Car Care Bowl.
Navy QB Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada.

What's interesting about that is that ESPN's Pam Ward was actually saying "Kaheaku-Enhada's" entire last name throughout her broadcast, rather than bailing like those CBS wusses, Jack Bolercraig and Eon Igloo, did earlier this season by merely calling him "Kaipo."

A lot of Americans who watch wayyyy too much college football have oftentimes dismissed Pam Ward because her voice is too husky or because we simply don't want a chick calling the play-by-play of this savage, testosterone-laden, gladiatorial bloodsport.

But, girlfriend got the job done with flawless pronunciation of "Kaheaku-Enhada."
She gets major props for that.

Speaking of the Texas QB, let's get this much out on the table right now:
A month or so before the season began, we all sorta chuckled when we learned that Texas and Hawaii would each open the season with "A Quarterback Named Colt."

Instinctively, we decided to keep an eye on Colt McCoy and one on Colt Brennan, although we knew we didn't have enough eyes to keep an eye on LSU PK Colt David and/or Boise State LB Colt Brooks.

"Colt" ... it's the Y2K version of "Chet" or "Walt."
No, seriously ... it is.
Check the rule book.

As we came to learn, these QB Colts were some colts with some clout. Colt Brennan set the Div. I-A record with 58 TD passes and Colt McCoy tied the Div. I-A freshman record with 29 TD passes this season.

Colt McCoy's two TD passes tonight were dandies ... the first, just before halftime ... perfectly-thrown to Limas Sweed in the left corner of the end zone and then the 72-yarder to Jamaal Charles out of the backfield was another perfect-touch, thread-the-needle job down the sideline.

This isn't to say that Colt McCoy is going to win two or three Heismans -- but, it is fun to remember how the "CC" person referred to the Texas receiver -- "LIE MUSS WEED."
Then, when a reference was made to the upcoming Georgia-Virginia Tech Chick-fil-A Bowl, the Bulldog QB was typo'ed as "MATH YOU Stafford."

Hey ... those were honest mistakes ... coulda happened to anyone.

It just so happened that those typos occurred two days after America was formally introduced to Martel Van Zant, the Oklahoma State starting CB who was born without eardrums.

Martel Van Zant relies heavily on quality "CC" operations for his hearing impairment -- although he'd probably be a lot more forgiving of the Lie Muss Weed and Math You Stafford typos than he would if, during his team's win over Alabama in the Independence Bowl, the "CC" typist had referred to him as "MATTEL VAN'S AUNT."

That would've benefitted no one.

Anyway, the reason that PF7 wasn't glued to the couch was that PF7 and La Familia de PF7 paid a brief visit to the Vietnam Memorial in D.C. to see the name of a fallen member (PVT MC ... b. 1/18/48, d. 3/27/67) of Mrs. PF7's family on Panel 17E.

Not too many days go by when the Ol' Pitchfork doesn't sober up and realize that he should be watchin' college football with his mother-in-law's nephew.
Apparently, Prez. LBJ found it to be in PFC Kevin's best interests that Kevin should die a semi-anonymous death at the age of 19 ... at the hands of the Viet Cong in a foreign land somewhere across the Pacific.

Is there anything worse than being killed in a foreign land in such a barbaric manner?

As we salute the stars n' stripes, it's important to remember the objective of PFC Kevin's unit:
To secure the land for the South Vietnamese so that one day the citizens there can work for 2.3 cents per day assembling Nike cleats for the USA's college football warriors to wear into battle -- without the infringement of the Viet Cong (or the Khmer Rouge).

It's for these reasons that this household doesn't get too choked up about the melodrama which is the saga of Pat F-ing Tillman and the national championship which he almost won at Arizona State.

Footnote: Probably 20 minutes after we left D.C., the body of Jerry Ford arrived in the downtown District area.

Which made some of us wanna put on a Muck Fichigan button (until we thought better of it).

Anyway, speaking of military maneuvers which failed badly, Navy blew that 21-10 lead against B.C. (losing on that last-second FG) ... Iowa blew a 14-0 lead and lost to Texas in the Alamo Bowl (the 'Horns avenging the 55-17 spanking in the inaugural Freedom Bowl) ... and Georgia delivered an unlikely rally, coming back from 21-3 down to win the Chick-fil-A Bowl.
Fascinating developments, to be sure.

Just for fun, though, it might be neat to imagine what a "CC" operator would type when he/she has to transcribe Herb Kirkstreit's important message to America.

Herb Kirkstreit: "USC has to protect John David Booty." (This is what Herbie sez even if he's asked to comment on Texas-Iowa).
"CC" Typist: "Blah blah blah blah, my hazel eyes hypnotize girls I'm not married to, blah blah blah, my hair has product in it, blah blah blah ..."

No comments: