Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Magic Potion

It was a blessing that the Disney Sports Channel known as ESPN reminded America that yesterday was the 15th anniversary of Magic Johnson's first of several retirements from the NBA.
Just about every American can recall where he/she was and the name of the he/she who was in the bed next to us when Earvin uttered those nine simple words, "due to the HIV virus that I have attained."
The Magic story didn't turn tragic because, while AIDS continues to claim thousands each year, Earvin did the responsible thing, drank his anti-AIDS cocktail and spread the gospel to every unsuspecting American.
The gist of the PSA is:
"If you've been married for a month to your longtime girlfriend named Earleatha Who Goes By 'Cookie,' be sure that when the news breaks that you've got The Hiv that you respect her feelings and boast of the chicks you were banging every night -- Chicks Not Named 'Cookie' -- lest anyone believe that The Hiv is the product of anything other than the three places of origin which we learned about pre-Magic: homosexuals, shared needles, Haitians."

In these past 15 years, Magic has led by example ... creating AIDS awareness that not only made us all more responsible citizens, but better lovers.
Thanks to Magic, almost nobody's lover is without a condom when he/she is getting special back-door treatment.
Without Magic, we might never have sat down with our lovers and discussed in a rational, responsible, adult manner the complete sexual history of our partner as well as the sexual history of his/her previous partners.

It's mind-boggling, in many ways, to comprehend the impact Magic has on our present-day intimacy. Rather than slamming last night's "date" to the kitchen floor and "doing" her/him in a brutal, insensitive manner, we now practice the gentle, tender art of lovemaking to the one who is not our full-time spouse/main squeeze/life partner.
Then, during the aftermath of what we what used to call "nailing" (or "doing") someone (whose name we may or may not know), we click on the TV remote to the Lakers game.

We explain to our new (or occasional) lover that Magic Johnson porked many many many GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS and that, after his nationally-televised press conference, he went home and had Cookie help him phone those girls and, after they were done at the free clinic, they could phone him with the results.
Or, they could phone if they were feeling lonely and just needed someone to talk to.
Don't worry about waking Cookie, girls.

If it weren't for Magic, the only attachment that America would have to Laker sexual romps would be a married James Worthy soliciting prostitutes during a road trip through Houston (a year before Magic's announcement) or a married Kobe Bryant bending that pantsless blonde over the chair at Cordillera.
Magic will be the first to tell ya that such gratification is fleeting and unfeeling. Magic will tell ya the truth about AIDS ... he cares that much.
Kinda like the way that as ex-President Bubba Clinton notified America that if you and a girl who you don't know very well are in a closet somewhere and she ends up with your genitals in her mouth, well ... that's not really sex.
And, The Hiv, probably isn't transmitted that way, anyway.

Thanks to Magic and Bubba, America is no longer in the dark about porking and the ramifications of porking who we barely know.
Responsibility is totally in style, kids.

That's how Earvin can help you -- just as he'll do when his motion picture company produces that movie about the autistic Jason McElwain, America's feel-good b-ball phenom (who was benched for the playoffs after scoring 20 points in 4 minutes).
Magic & J-Mac are gonna wipe out autism.
Well, at the very least, they'll combine their superpowers so that autistic kids can either be mainstreamed and bang the non-autistic or they can do the autistic-on-autistic horizontal romp responsibly.

J-Mac brought Americans closer ... but, in a positive way, not like the way Atta and his hijacked jumbo jet brought Americans closer.
Rewinding to the time when Magic galvinized a sexually-ambivalent nation also serves as a reminder of how a young British lad name Paul Francis Gadd generated good feelings among sports fans in arenas and stadiums everywhere for these past 15 years or so.
Every time the home team scored, the arena/stadium would shake as the PA system blared Gadd's memorable anthem.
"Na-na-na-na HEY! na-na-na ... na-na-na HEY! na-na!"

If you didn't know that Paul Gadd was universally known as "Gary Glitter," then maybe you didn't know that his one-time-throwaway-tune-turned-sports-mainstay is titled "Rock and Roll."
Sadly, Gary Glitter's tune is getting a lot less play nowadays because SportsArenamerica is learning the truth that some of us have known for a long time (a sad fact which even Magic could not put a happy face on).
Gary Glitter has been busted many times for possessing kiddie porn and for child sexual abuse.
So, while Gary Glitter's tune made America feel good about itself, Paul Gadd liked to make himself feel good in the company of nude children.

Paul Gadd's problem was that, aside from being an untalented glam rocker, he wasn't tasteful and discreet in his sexual transgressions.
Unlike Magic.
Ironically, we may never know the influence that Magic and Glitter played in creating America's need for NBC Dateline's "To Catch A Predator" series. Many of us Americans have sat transfixed, amazed at the parade of pedophiles who, after taking the bait in the on-line sting operation engineered by Chris Hansen's producers, have informed us, "I wuzzint gonna do nuthin'. Prob'lee jus' talk."

Of course, many of those stung by the sting are married men. Magic can't save everyone because, let's face it, back when he had to retire "due to the HIV virus that I have 'attained,' " Internet kiddie porn hadn't yet exploded onto the scene.

Bad break for Earv ... unable to save those who have desires which pertaint to deviant behavior beyond the scope of downloading Laker scores and comprehensive AIDS-awareness information.
But, Earv's message is clear.
"If you have to fornicate outside of your marriage, do it with an adult. And, if you have to fornicate in a freaky, multiple-partner strategem with strangers, arm yourself with the facts."

And, for you married guys out there with kids whose mommies are not the woman you are/were married to, pony up the child support.
Lest the kids end up dating the daddies we've seen on Dateline ...

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