Sunday, November 26, 2006

Crocodile Tears for the Gators

The search is underway for volunteers across BCS, USA ... for anyone interested in tutoring Florida Alligators head coach Urban Meyer on the the finer points of salesmanship. Apparently, Urb never received the memo re: the concepts of "selling the sizzle" and not the steak.
Urb got his nose out of joint during the past several days when somebody hinted that his football team's chances of earning a berth in the BCS title game may actually hinge more on "style points" or "sex appeal" than piling up W's.
In other words, Urb is confused and bemused, but not amused -- and, that may strike America as an attitude for a coach at a university whose basketball team won the '05/'06 NCAA championship by winning our hearts with stylish and sexy performances.
On top of that, somebody forgot to tell Urb that he coaches a football program (or, as they say 'round Gainesville ... "proGRUM") which, five years ago, had a QB (and Heisman Trophy runner-up) nicknamed "Sexy Rexy."
Urb hasn't minced words during the past two weeks after lackluster Alligator victories ... that the system needs to be "imploded" if his victories are viewed as needing more T & A.
Knowing this, it's obvious that the "stop dissing the Alligators!" is Urb's cry for help from BlogAmerica.

Well, we've received the Bat Signal -- and it's our job, Blogmerica, to furnish "The Sexucation of Urban Meyer: The Complete How-To of Getting the BCS in the Sack."
Chapter One: Urb opens his mind to the incontrovertible fact that "sexy is a state of mind" ... that "sweet nothings" and delightful naughty teasers whispered into the ear are sometimes more powerful than three margaritas and a few light strokes of the inner thigh.

It does seem odd that WE need to sex-ucate Urban Meyer, college football's quivalent of Agent 007. After all, he's smarter and more-handsome than any of us ... and he maintains JUST enough of that soft-spokenness (while suppressing his egomaniacal undertones) to keep us from slapping his face and gasping, "How dare you get fresh with me!"
(Note: The most-viable Y2K-compliant expression there should be "No you ditt-INT!" or "You dawg!")
Logic would suggest that a handsome chap such as Urb would comprehend the inner-workings of this cat-n'-mouse game. After all, when it was Auburn's Tommy Tuberville using that Southern twang to gripe about no justice for his 11-0 Tiger ballclub (as he did two years ago), America looked at the whiner and figured it was just a hillbilly with an axe to grind.
When it's Urban Meyer, though -- with his wholesomeness and Middle America values (head coaching stints at Bowling Green and Utah) -- his lamentations come off more as a thinly-veiled declaration of "Look at me! Look what I've done!" after being left with a roster of players left behind behind that by Satan himself:

Therefore, Urban Meyer wants you, BlogAmericans living in BCS, USA to hear him when he gets all indignant. Maybe the powers-that-be won't listen to a simple bumpkin like Urb -- like the way that they opened their minds, opened their hearts and dropped their trousers when Mack Brown's southern drawl and tender blow job got the Wronghorns into the Rose Bowl two seasons ago.
"Lobbying" -- or whichever term ya wanna use there -- it's the axis on which the world of the sex-ucation of Urban Meyer rotates.
And, lobbying is nothing more than a fancy term for salesmanship, ergo, Urb's best strategy is to lay it on thick with the flattery.
If it seems insincere, hey ... that's part of the game plan.
Work it, Urb ... work it.
The wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am approach sometimes makes the victim, errrr ... the young goddess feeling a little used.

The good news for Urb & His Alligators is that he's beggin' for some BCS tail from the sluttiest sluts in SlutTown, so no problem there.
If he tries to get anyone intelligent between the sheets, good F-ing luck, Urb.
It's not that he's not sauve, etc ... it's just that the "difficult schedule" argument is, for lack of a better term, hard to shallow.

For anyone who's watched college football in '06, that "difficult schedule" angle sounds as though someone's willing to break the cardinal rule of sex: "fornicating with an agenda."
In other words, he's ripping off the blouse a little too quickly.
Does Urb think he can get in our pants with this?
Those three victories in Sepember (over Tenn., Can'tucky and 'Bama) were a little shaky. Those nailbiters would've been more attractive if they'd been W's over the 12-0 Tennessee team of 1998, the 11-1 Kentucky team of 1950 and either Alabama's 1978 national champs or the 1993 national champs.
For those of us who've watched college football since BEFORE 2002, well ... those three victims were adequate teams, nuthin' special.

The win over LSU to begin October? OK ... what team comes out of the locker room for the second half and then gaks the second-half kickoff for a Gator safety?
An up-and-down erratic and ... RIGHT! It's LSU '06!
Moving on, a win at Auburn might've been a bigger feat if we're talking about 13-0 Auburn '04 or 11-0 Auburn '93 (the Pat Dye probation team coached by rookie Terry Bowden), but, alas, this was Auburn '06 -- a team which got worked (simply WORKED!) at home (at home!) by Arkansas and Georgia, so ...
Speaking of Georgia and the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party ... the Gators' 21-14 win might've looked more handsome if the offense hadn't gone into a shell after the 9-minute mark of the second quarter (zero points thereafter) and if the opponent had been Georgia 1980 or Georgia 1982.
But, this was Georgia '06 (with dozens of problems at QB), so ...

A 25-19 win at Vandy? A 17-16 win over South Carolina wherein USC refused (simply refused) to take a W which Fla was ready to hand over ...
Oh, and that 21-14 W vs. FSU ... that would've had a nicer ring to it had it been the '93 national champion 'Noles or the the '99 national champion 'Noles, but, alas ... it was FSU '06, which, in its previous home game, got worked (simply WORKED) by Wake Forest, 30-0.
Wake Forest is a nice story in '06 -- a scrappy, well-coached team -- but not a 30-0, let's-let-Wake-pee-on-us-at-home squad.

There's some nice wins in their for Urb. But, nuthin' that's a knockout. Not all the beer goggles in the world can make those look like anything other than clumsy, awkward sex where we don't even know her last name.
We can't even remember if her first name is Sharon or "Did she say Sherri?"

So, no, BlogAmerica ... don't let Urban Meyer put roofies in your drink!
True, his team has stuck to wearing the more-attractive white cleats all season long, but what about that game (we think it was against 'Bama) where the Alligators wore the WHITE helmets with small, block "F"?
That was almost as un-sexy as when Nike put a gun to the heads of all teams which had orange in its color scheme and made 'em wear those jerseys with the orange-colored left shoulder/left sleeve.
Florida, Va. Tech and Miami all participated in the orange shoulder/orange sleeve project in '05.
Nike thinks that Nike can walk into any party and sex up whoever Nike wants to sex up.

There ya have it. So, before Urb gets any crazy ideas about imploding anything, maybe he needs to think about what he's imploding. As he heads into Saturday's SEC title game against Arkansas (a quality Arkansas team, but not Arkansas '98, okay? .. this team did get worked -- simply WORKED! -- by 'SC at home to open the season), Urb needs to remember what an inexact science the ranking system really is.
Urb probably isn't oo old to remember a time back during his college days at the 'Natty in the mid-'80s when he'd put away a few beers and he and the boys would scribble on napkins in the bar their Top 10 favorite Clash songs of all-time.
Even when this undertaking occurs during full-blown sobriety, mistakes and oversights are bound to occur. Somebody makes "Guns of Brixton" their No. 1, but then someone else goes with "Julie's In The Drug Squad."
"Clampdown" ... good choice, bro ... good choice.
Whereas the public outcry is that "they play the best football in the SEC!," that's usually coming from folks who've only heard "Should I Stay Or Should I Go?" or "London Calling."
As if anyone bothered to scribble on their napkin "Someone Got Murdered."
Still, ya gotta give mad props to anyone who might've had "Armagideon Time" on their napkin/ballot.
"A lotta people won't get no supper tonight / A lotta people won't get no justice tonight ..."
We miss you, Joe Strummer.

That's the human element to the poll process. For the modern-day pollster, it's like picking the top blonde recording artist ... and while two drunk guys are slobbering about Britney or Christina, the other drunk guy is making Gwen Stefani his No. 1).
Drunk dude: "No, you dit-INT! No, you dit-INT!"
And then another drunk guy leans over while spilling half of his Pabst and blurts, "I like Kournikova!"
We all do, Steve -- and you're in no condition to drive.

Can I walk ya to your door, Urb? You look totally hot in that blue fleece sweatshirt ...

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