Monday, March 27, 2006

The Cindy Relish Story

If I owned a hatchet or a tomahawk, I'd tell bracketologist Joe Lunardi to kiss my axe.
Since I don't, he can kiss my ass, instead.
Howzat UConn-Duke championship game workin' out for ya, America?

Sure, if you've got Emeka Okafor, Ben Gordon and Charlie Villanueva, definitely ... UConn's a righteous pick.
Josh Boone? Hilton Armstrong? Denham Brown?
Yes, I understand that they were all role players on the '04 UConn champions (who beat a Cindy Relish opponent you already forgot about), but to ask those guys "to lead," ohhhhh-kayyy ... maybe in a rec league.

You remember Cindy Relish ... she's the one who beat the crap outta Cinderella after third-period P.E.
It was all over school.
Cindy Relish is a bitch ... she's a tomboy ... and her foot doesn't fit in a glass slipper because she puts her size 12's into Doc Martens and stomps yer ass.

The bracketologization of the Pitchfork hasFlorida beatin' UCLA in the title game -- and, until Mrs. PF7 (who also -- independently -- picked FLA) notified me of the standings in the only pool that I ever enter (as homage to The Chandelier), I'm lookin' at first-and-goal at the Cindy Relish 8-yard line.
That doesn't mean that I'm liftin' the lifetime ban and watchin' that sheepdip.

In fact, all I saw of the action yesterday was the final 23 seconds of "" vs. Sillynova. Y'see, SuperDawg had a 5-hour play date with a magnificent Leonberger sweetheart and, well ... I was not inclined to pass on that Kodak moment to watch my pal, Nardi, clank up the gym for Villanardi.
The only difference between Nardi and a baggie of warm, soft doggie poop is (you guessed it) ... "the baggie."

Dang! I can't believe that Mempiss and 'Nova exited the tourney with zero post presence and some zesty brick-layin' from 3-ball range.
A combined 6 of 40 "from distance." What a shocker. Mempiss was 0 of 13 'til knockin' down two in the final 17 seconds.

Oddly enough, I didn't see highlights of any of the games until 8 a.m. this morning (on EspyTime's Stooge Scott Theater).
I mean, I guess I could've TiVo'ed Perry Mason's shocker over UConn, but, ummm ... I don't own TiVo and, ummmm ... I don't really care.

Hey, I listened to Westwood One's Dave Sims call the final moments of regulation on the radio as I was scarfing two hot dogs at Checkers (the Leonberger was in the back seat with me, behaving and not slobbering up my food).
The Mrs. and I boycotted OT and I played the oldest trick in the book -- workin' the reverse-psychology angle with, "Jeez, UConn's gonna win. Screw them."

In case you were wondering: The advantage that "Air Con" had over UConn was that at least on that plane filled with convicts, they had Cyrus The Virus ... a real go-to thug.
UConn had Josh Boone and his really really pretty cornrows.
Josh Boone can now wear his '06 Washington D.C. Regional Finalist t-shirt with pride around the Storrs campus.
Good for him.

Naturally, the fallout of yesterday's nonsense was that Perry Mason's upset compares favorably with either "The Miracle on Ice" or Buster Douglas over Mike Tyson.
What? No Jets over the Colts in Super Bowl III?
America, get that UConn-Duke final out of your mind and remove the furniture polish nozzle from your nose.
"Huff" aerosols responsibly!
Or, at the very least ... "more responsibly."

Another great angle of Perry Mason's victory was that the Espy Channel was informing me that this Cindy Relish run has been accomplished against three former national champions (Michigan State, North Carolina and Connecticut).
I love that angle. I've worked into my lifestyle by saying that the Steelers' three road wins in reaching the Super Bowl was achieved by beating three teams which had appeared in 10 Super Bowls (Bengals = two; Colts = two; Broncos = six).
Note: There exists absolutely no connection between a completely-underachieving Michigan State team of '06 and the quality Michigan State national champions of '00 (except for Izzo), but the analogy is "twistable" and "spinable" ... which makes it "viable."

Perhaps my favorite commentary of yesterday's trangressions was when Stooge Scott asked Egghead Vitale how Perry Mason beat UConn and, of course, Vitale gave us: "Well, they beat Michigan State and North Carolina ... Jim Larranaga, what a great story ... he has a great resume ... he's a cerebral guy, a great communicator, he's 56 years of age ... unbelievable! Unbelievable!"
When Stooge asked, "What did Florida have that Villanova didn't?"
Egghead: "Allan Ray was shut down. We saw what happens when you take away a star ... Billy The Kid ... he has Noah and Horford and they were unbelievable and Green and Brewer, they were unbelievable, too ... some of the stories right now have been unnnn-BEEE-LEEE-vuhhhh-BULLLL!"

Those were the highlights before Stooge thanked Egghead for the love and thanked him for the knowledge ... and one week from now, America will be naming Egghead to the Hall of Fame.
Because he pauses after each syllable in unnn-beeee-leee-vuhhh-bull.
Ya gotta love that.
Amazing insight.
What an ambassador for the game (however, I secretly wished he'd said, "As my good friend Jimmy Vee said, 'Don't give up, don't ever give up.' ")

In case you were wondering, UConn-Duke-America, Florida didn't stop Allan Ray.
Allan Ray stopped Allan Ray.
He's done it before.
Or didja forget last year's tourney when he shot 2 of 22 on 3-balls (3 of 32 overall).
"Hey, hey! Whaddya say? Sink the J, Allan Ray!"
(Note: I use the same cheer for Rudy Gay)
(Another note: Allan Ray sucks "from distance," okay?)

Oh, and in case you missed the meltdownability of UConn-Is-UGone, go back to your TiVo file and watch how Calhoun's lads got WORKED by Sorrycuse in the first round of the Big Least tourney.
So much for "the bigs."
Hey ... I'm all for "the bigs."
In fact, I'm pro-bigs.
The flip side: I'm anti-bigs-which-suck.

Any time there's an upset of this so-called "magnitude," the elements of melodrama always get played up ... y'know, stuff like how Perry Mason was a team of scrubs going up against the unstoppable killing machine.
The thing is, Mason had a few ballers, a coach who seems to get guys to play together and a huge homecourt advantage. UConn had some athletes and a coach who can't always get his players on the same page.

UConn played well enough to lose against Albany, played well enough to lose against Can'tucky and played well enough to lose against U-Dub ... but won all three games.
Finally ... a team didn't get freaked out by "We're playing UConn?"

That's what makes yesterday's outcome a Cindy Relish result, not a Cinderella story.
It's a fascinating scenario ... it's an interesting development ... but it's still bad basketball.

Next week's Hall of Famer, Egghead, said it best:
"He's 56 years of age ..."

Doesn't make a damn bit of sense ...

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