Monday, February 20, 2006

A Jekel & Hide Weekend

That wasn't much of a Bracketbuster Saturday, EspyTime!
You're to blame, Jekel Foster.
Here's why:
I'd already hosted the dedication ceremony for a "Fabulous Foster February" when the Ohio State guard sank 7 of 8 three-balls against Minnesota on Feb. 4, drained sank 5 of 6 trifectas against Michigan on Feb. 9 and buried 6 of 8 treys against Illinois on Feb. 12.
In this, the United States of 37 Percent 3-Point-Makers, I viewed Foster's 18-of-22 spurt as a ray of hope for those of us who'd like to see the U.S. strive to become more than a land of 37 percent 3-point makers (which'll lead to the U.S. outsourcing 3-point shooting to overseas markets).
Foster broke my heart on Thurs. when he went 1 of 5 on 3-balls vs. Wisconsin and then compounded my agony on Sat. when he was 0 of 6 vs. Northwestern.
There went my "Pick To Click."

Bracketbuster? About the only bracket which got busted over the weekend were the ones in offices across this great land which had Lindsey Jacobellis winning the gold medal in that funky, new made-for-Americans X Games moto-cross snowboard event.
Other than that, Roundball America still has (and will continue to have) Duke and U-Conn in its NCAA office-pool bracket.
Those two teams, I've heard are super! scintillating! sensational!
(Sidebar, Your Honour: I'm hoping that Egghead Vitale, who was recently nominated for the basketball Hall of Fame, gets elected when the announcement comes down on Apr. 3. Let's face it, Egghead revolutionized the game by stringing together catch-phrases such as "super! scintillating! sensational!" and "Diaper Dandy" and "PTP'er" and "bay-beee!" at the end of dunks ... not to mention that keen insight such as "So-and-so needs to shoot better" and "So-and-so has to avoid the turnovers" ... if I had a vote, I'd vote for Egghead five times, possibly six. And Smitty sez if he had a Hall of Fame vote, he'd vote for Egghead seven times because of the pioneering manner in which he added "Windex" to our lexicon. Smitty sez it doesn't matter that the guy couldn't play and couldn't coach, he invented PTP'er, bayyy-bee ... )

Anyway, Jekel and Lindsey really ripped my heart out this weekend. Thank goodness EspyTime's "College GameDay" bailed out America out on Saturday morning. Wait ... I can't watch that (not unless they resurrect the Wazzu Flag which made autumn Saturdays worth living). So, instead, I completely immersed myself in what EspyTime Theater aired in the time slot immediately following College GameDay -- the replay of the college football skills competition which EspyTime has replayed about five times since it originally aired two Saturdays ago.
That's a winner for me on three levels: 1) No 37 percent 3-point shooters to clog up my colon with their 37 percent 3-point shooting 2) A chance to reunite with my boy Charlie Whitehurst of Clemson and 3) Erin Andrews in that green sweater.
When Erin Andrews smiles, my brackets get all smudgy.
Same deal for Smitty.
Lindsey has no effect on us whatsoever.
Not even if she was snowboarding nude (which she will be when that becomes an Olympic event in 2014).

By the way, Costas had Lindsey on the hot seat on Friday's NBC late-night show, but Bob and his L'Oreal dye job didn't give me much insight.
For one thing, Bob & His Dye Job didn't ask about whether Lindsey's zooming-downhill thoughts might've drifted toward imagining her VISA Card getting stolen.
Anonymous N.E. Patriots Lineman-In-Full-Game-Gear-While-Seated-At-The-Restaurant-Table says, "Metaphors ..."

By the time I was done cursing the Patriots and wondering why Costas wasn't asking Lindsey about what she thought of the Steelers winning the Super Bowl, bingo! ... I found myself watching 5 minutes of Olympic action on Sunday and there he was, sittin' across from Costas in a big, comfy chair.
"J-Bet" (show me where it's written that we HAVE to call him "Bus" all the time).

Bettis is in Torino and since America couldn't get enough of The Bus at the beginning of February (and since none of us has any interest in visiting "joinbode.com" or what the status is of Lindsey's stolen VISA Card), B-Cost was almost giddy when telling America that J-Bet will be visiting American living rooms this autumn when NBC unveils its "Football Night In America" show on NBC.
Once America sees wall-to-wall Bus on the 53-inch plasma, America will reach into its pocket (the pocket opposite the one where the Terrible Towel is stuffed) and pull out a mini American flag to wave furiously while chanting, "U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!"
(Sidebar, Your Honour: B-Cost was asked J-Bet if he could relate to Lindsey's wipeout, since it was like his fumble -- but The Bus missed the bus and didn't respond with something witty such as, "Lindsey sure could've used someone like Big Ben out there to tackle the girl who was boarding past and taking the gold medal which belonged to Lindsey.")

The point is, NBC ... the network which gave America the voice of Curt Gowdy and Dick Enberg during all of those memorable AFC games way back before the '90s (and which gave us the Red Network, the White Network and the Blue Network as part of the Triplecast Olympic package) ... is back in the NFL biz.
Of course, NBC also gave us Bryant Gumbel, but, don't despair. He told me to stay away from the Olympics because it, apparently, ain't ghetto enough, so, when it comes to gold medalist Shani Davis, nope ... never heard of him.
I'm sure I must've been watching BET at the time.

Yeah, I heard that there were other big-time events worth checkin' out during the weekend, such as the Daytona 500 and the NBA All-Star Game. I didn't see the restrictor-plate auto race, but I did see something on one of EspyTime's SporkCenter segments which America might never see again -- Chris Fowler with his hair un-gelled.
The morning Florida breeze left Fowler's hair uncharacteristically tossled -- to, which, no doubt, he returned to his trailer, applied the product, looked in the mirror and said, "Oh, you are so gellin'. And, I am cuter than Herb Kirkstreit, I am cuter than Herb Kirkstreit, I am cuter than Herb Kirkstreit ... "

There you have it: A weekend which was a little jumbled and disorganized, sports-platter-wise.
Funny thing is, Mrs. PF7 and I had every intention of watching "Knight School" at 10 o'clock Sunday night as part of EspyTime Theater's "original programming."
Then, we forgot.
Maybe Smitty TiVo'ed it for us.
We might've lost our focus once I took over the clicker and surfed over to Comcast to peek in on five minutes of UCLA and USC and then felt short-changed when 'SC's Abdoulaye Ndiaye didn't dunk over Luc Richard Mbah a Moute and talk smack with, "Cameroon sucks!" which would've led to Mbah a Moute returning the favor by dunking over Ndiaye and screaming, "Senegal sucks worse!"
So, I think I might've clicked back to BET to make Gumbel proud.

Back to the gospel according to "Knight School" ... he's that guy who coaches at O'Reilly Auto Parts Tech, right? I've seen that guy before. His team plays its home games in an arena wherein the O'Reilly Auto Parts logo is on each player's chair, the O'Reilly Auto Parts logo is on the floor not too far from the chairs with the O'Reilly Auto Parts logo and another O'Reilly Auto Parts logo is on a large display in front of the scorer's table.
What I don't see is O'Reilly Auto Parts in the rankings, not to mention very high in the Big XII standings.

LUCKY FOR YOU N' ME, Smitty (and Roundball America!) O'Reilly Auto Parts is on EspyTime's Theater's "Big Monday" package tonight.
O'Reilly Auto Parts will tangle with the Sooner Schooner as part of EspyTime's "Judgment Week."
(Sidebar, Your Honour: My preliminary judgment: "Weak.")

Anyway, what intrigues me about O'Reilly Auto Parts vs. Sooner Schooner is, ummm ... these are football schools. What business have they playing basketball?
If nothing else, viewers will get a healthy dose of Patrick Knight doin' a formidable job of assistant coaching by doing what he does every game: Fastening his elbows to his knees, keeping track of the timeouts remaining and wearing Kevlar ear plugs to block out Daddy's profanity.

I don't want to give it away, but I've seen this game a dozen times. A sneak preview follows: A lot of standing around by O'Reilly Auto Parts players and a lot of sitting around with a far-away look in the eyes of Patrick.
On the flip side, here's your Sooner Schooner teaser: A lot of mediocre kids doing a lot of mediocre things. I see OU shooting anywhere from 35-38 percent on 3-balls (y'know, somewhere in that 8 of 22 range ... that is, if they assert themselves).
Final: 73-66.

Now, that I've spilled the beans, there's no reason for Deadspin to commission me for a running blog.
Okay, America ... let's get out there in the snow and see if we can find Lindsey's stolen gold medal and stolen VISA Card ...

1 comment:

tlbs101 said...

As for the Wazzu flag, come autumn; do not fear, for the flag will be flying proudly on Saturday mornings.

I am sorry you were disappointed that it wasn't flying at the Kennel, but the OCBC (Ol' Crimson Booster Club) decided a couple of years ago, not to do basketball CGD shows -- just football shows (the exception being if there were to be some major news coverage of the Wazzu flag, itself).