... but that's only if the "A" stands for "aggravating."
Or "annoying."
These are not the days are "A" is for Apple, "J" is for Jacks ... cinnamon toasty Apple Jacks ...
Although a big bowl of that sounds better than the big bowl of poop which the Steelers were scoopin' up vs. The Flavor of the Year (Bengal swirl on a sugar cone).
The only way this 3-0, 6-3, 6-6, 9-6, 9-9, 12-9, 12-12, 15-12, 18-12 annoying exercise in aggravation could've been more-aggravating or more-annoying would've been if somebody had put a gun to our heads and made us watch Berman & His Super-Schtick recap matters with: "And, after a 3-run homer by Willie Stargell gave Pittsburgh a 9-6 lead, 3-run homers by Tony Perez and Johnny Bench put Cincinnati ahead, 12-9."
The Cliffs Notes to this weirdness went something like: Roethlisberger scram 15 yds. to C 15 on first series (FG) ...
Consec. comps to Holmes 21 yds. to 15, 10 yds. 1st and goal at 5 (FG) ...
In succession: 46-yd PI, comps. to Moore for 11 to 19, Ward for 11 to 8 (FG) ...
QB sneak, FD at 11 (FG ... 12-12) ...
The only thing missing from the "inability to finish" showcase was what we saw in the game AT Cinshitnati: Limas Sweed dropping a TD pass which hit him right in the numbers as he was falling backwards (after falling on a banana peel ... or a garden rake ... whatever ...) ...
Actually, the winner of the Limas Sweed-stakes today occurred on the third play of the third qtr. when that pass bounced off of Ward's helmet and caromed to Frostee Rucker for the INT-runback/FG-setup.
For some reason, we're 'sposed to believe that the Bungles de Cinshitnati have that "deep-into-the-playoffs" look of a winner, thanks to Carson Palmer, an improved defense and the principles of Marvin Lewis.
But, let's remember this much: The only reason that Marvin Lewis wasn't fired after last season's 1-11-1 laughingstock before the 3-gm. win streak to end the season was -- as any Cinshitnatian will tell ya -- because upper mgmt. is too f-ing cheap to pay the remainder of Lewis' contract if he's axed.
Nuthin' magical 'bout that ...
And, until Carson Palmer wins a playoff game, they can cram that "changed the culture" B.S.
Nobody's scared of Payyyy-kohhh ...
Or Nuhhh-doooo-kwayy ...
Or Mowww-uhhh-looooga ...
Or Frosss-teee ...
Or Fuhh-nayyy-nayyy ...
AS PER THE BLACK N' GOLD, now is not the time for sorrow -- mostly because the remaining sked looks fairly-navigable in the Sea of 6-n'-3s (Pitt., N.E., S.D., Denv.).
The remaining menu of Chiefs, Raiders, Browns and Dolphins shows an extreme prejudice toward a 5-2 record in those games (4-3 at the very worst, considering the two Raven tussles and hard-to-figure Green Bay ... and, what the heck, maybe 6-1 if this team learns how to "close").
Seriously ... who sees more than 2 losses amongst that sorry group of NFL refuse?
Another shot at Cincy would be nice, given that Team Tiger Stripe scored two offensive TDs in 8 qtrs. vs. the Curtain.
Less than 2 mos. from now, the Steelers might be takin' their 10-6 record into Cincy and registering an unforgettable, 10-6 playoff win.
After Kimo von Oelhofen is activated for the game to re-enact the submarining of Palmer ...
b
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Monday, November 09, 2009
Best STEELER Win (In Denver) Ever (?)
Well, not in the "of all-time" genre ... because, after all, it was only 4 yrs. ago when the Curtain barged into Invesco and messed up Jake Plummer in the AFC Championship game.
And, we all remember how Eric Williams (yeah! THAT Eric Williams ...) picked off that Elway pass and ran it back to the 1-yd. line to set up the go-ahead TD which put the Curtain into the AFC Championship Game in Jan. '85.
Those were probably greater Mile High memories than what transpired tonight.
Still, given the circumstances of the Broncos' teenager head coach w/ his Belichick-inspired hoodie ... combined with presence of QB Neckbeard, "yup" ... this was mighty special.
And, a nearly-flawless 2nd half was capped by that quickie swing pass in the right flat which Hines Ward turned into a hurdle-over-Champ-Bailey TD -- although the friendly, post-pattern hookup between Big Ben and rookie Mike Wallace for the other knockout TD against that so-called vaunted D was special, too.
According to the recordkeepers who keep such records, the Steelers set a team record by scoring at least 27 points for the 5th game in a row.
That stat doesn't really mean a lot, considering that the 28-20 win at Detroit shoulda been more like 42-20 ... and the 27-14 win over the Browns shoulda been more like 41-14 with the total offense that the Steelers amassed (somewhere in the neighborhood of 2,000 yds.).
The recordkeepers also report that Tomlin is now 5-0 on MNF and 12-1 in games played in primetime, but, alas, we need to be realists and realize, realistically, that Tomlin's offense didn't look real swift during the first half tonight.
But, that's where the O can get a boost from the D, particularly when Tyrone Carter produces a pick six, assisted by Chris Hoke, of all people, shoving Knowshon Moreno into the umpire, thus, disrupting the rookie RB's pass route.
How many times do ya see that?
A backup D-lineman dropping back into coverage and shoving the rookie RB into the umpire?
That was kooky ... and maybe a little borderline illegal.
One day, Ziggy Hood will be using that move.
Before then, though, they'll have a good laugh over Hoke's shove during film session on Weds.
Unless film session is tomorrow because of the shortened work week, I dunno ...
The Broncos have some issues -- in fact, they had possessed the ball for all of 6-plus minutes in the second half until burning the final 1-minute-something following the Happy Hines Hurdle TD.
8 minutes of total possession time in the second half?
Funny thing is, we can argue (intelligently? logically?) that had Big Ben not coughed up the ball and then had not Polamalu knocked an sure INT outta Gay's hands, this one could've gone down as a 28-0 whitewash.
Maybe so, but then so, too, "if Hoke doesn't shove Moreno into the umpire ..."
And then if Polamalu isn't in the backfield, tripping somebody up for a 3-yd. loss ... and then if he isn't making the INT on a ball thrown to nobody, then ...
We need to discard "what ifs" and focus on "when dids" ... such as when did the Orange Crush go soft and allow a Terrible Towel invasion to negate a "we-must-protect-this-house" paradigm?
One might find that a little borderline illegal.
Maybe even unconstitutional.
But not as illegal or as unconstitutional as those brown helmets, yellow shirts, brown pants and vertically-striped socks which the Broncos have worn to re-connect with their 1960 AFL beginnings.
Tonight, they wore the orange tops when they shoulda been decked out in navy blue tops and navy blue trousers.
Anyway, "hey!" ... aren't you Mitch Berger?!
Last time we saw him, he was weari' his white Steeler shirt w/ yellow Steeler pants and he was floppin' to the turf at Raymond James in SB43, picking up a pivotal (but altogether unjustified) R-T-K flag.
Oh well, everybody has his/her own axe to grind.
Right now, Mike Wallace is making jersey #17 memories which Mitch Berger could only dream about (mostly because one's a WR and the other is a P ... notwithstanding the fact that w/o Mitch Berger's five perfect placements -- on snaps from Jared Retkofsky -- for Jeff Reed's 2 FGs and 3 PATs in SB43, the Cards woulda won, 23-19 ... right? >> it doesn't matter nowadays because Chris Warren and Daniel Sepulveda are no longer on IR and }}}} %%%%% >>>
Denver fans gotta pin their playoff hopes on Capt. Neckbeard, who, before, tonight, had thrown only one INT.
Sometimes, when we call him by his real name ("Kyle Orton"), people 'round these parts confuse Kyle Orton for Kyle Lorton, candidate for Maryland State Senate.
Some of us have shaken the hand of the wannabe state senator, although we've never admitted to him that we long for the day when he's shaking the QB's hand and saying, "Hi, Kyle Orton ... I'm Kyle Lorton."
And so forth and so on ...
b
And, we all remember how Eric Williams (yeah! THAT Eric Williams ...) picked off that Elway pass and ran it back to the 1-yd. line to set up the go-ahead TD which put the Curtain into the AFC Championship Game in Jan. '85.
Those were probably greater Mile High memories than what transpired tonight.
Still, given the circumstances of the Broncos' teenager head coach w/ his Belichick-inspired hoodie ... combined with presence of QB Neckbeard, "yup" ... this was mighty special.
And, a nearly-flawless 2nd half was capped by that quickie swing pass in the right flat which Hines Ward turned into a hurdle-over-Champ-Bailey TD -- although the friendly, post-pattern hookup between Big Ben and rookie Mike Wallace for the other knockout TD against that so-called vaunted D was special, too.
According to the recordkeepers who keep such records, the Steelers set a team record by scoring at least 27 points for the 5th game in a row.
That stat doesn't really mean a lot, considering that the 28-20 win at Detroit shoulda been more like 42-20 ... and the 27-14 win over the Browns shoulda been more like 41-14 with the total offense that the Steelers amassed (somewhere in the neighborhood of 2,000 yds.).
The recordkeepers also report that Tomlin is now 5-0 on MNF and 12-1 in games played in primetime, but, alas, we need to be realists and realize, realistically, that Tomlin's offense didn't look real swift during the first half tonight.
But, that's where the O can get a boost from the D, particularly when Tyrone Carter produces a pick six, assisted by Chris Hoke, of all people, shoving Knowshon Moreno into the umpire, thus, disrupting the rookie RB's pass route.
How many times do ya see that?
A backup D-lineman dropping back into coverage and shoving the rookie RB into the umpire?
That was kooky ... and maybe a little borderline illegal.
One day, Ziggy Hood will be using that move.
Before then, though, they'll have a good laugh over Hoke's shove during film session on Weds.
Unless film session is tomorrow because of the shortened work week, I dunno ...
The Broncos have some issues -- in fact, they had possessed the ball for all of 6-plus minutes in the second half until burning the final 1-minute-something following the Happy Hines Hurdle TD.
8 minutes of total possession time in the second half?
Funny thing is, we can argue (intelligently? logically?) that had Big Ben not coughed up the ball and then had not Polamalu knocked an sure INT outta Gay's hands, this one could've gone down as a 28-0 whitewash.
Maybe so, but then so, too, "if Hoke doesn't shove Moreno into the umpire ..."
And then if Polamalu isn't in the backfield, tripping somebody up for a 3-yd. loss ... and then if he isn't making the INT on a ball thrown to nobody, then ...
We need to discard "what ifs" and focus on "when dids" ... such as when did the Orange Crush go soft and allow a Terrible Towel invasion to negate a "we-must-protect-this-house" paradigm?
One might find that a little borderline illegal.
Maybe even unconstitutional.
But not as illegal or as unconstitutional as those brown helmets, yellow shirts, brown pants and vertically-striped socks which the Broncos have worn to re-connect with their 1960 AFL beginnings.
Tonight, they wore the orange tops when they shoulda been decked out in navy blue tops and navy blue trousers.
Anyway, "hey!" ... aren't you Mitch Berger?!
Last time we saw him, he was weari' his white Steeler shirt w/ yellow Steeler pants and he was floppin' to the turf at Raymond James in SB43, picking up a pivotal (but altogether unjustified) R-T-K flag.
Oh well, everybody has his/her own axe to grind.
Right now, Mike Wallace is making jersey #17 memories which Mitch Berger could only dream about (mostly because one's a WR and the other is a P ... notwithstanding the fact that w/o Mitch Berger's five perfect placements -- on snaps from Jared Retkofsky -- for Jeff Reed's 2 FGs and 3 PATs in SB43, the Cards woulda won, 23-19 ... right? >> it doesn't matter nowadays because Chris Warren and Daniel Sepulveda are no longer on IR and }}}} %%%%% >>>
Denver fans gotta pin their playoff hopes on Capt. Neckbeard, who, before, tonight, had thrown only one INT.
Sometimes, when we call him by his real name ("Kyle Orton"), people 'round these parts confuse Kyle Orton for Kyle Lorton, candidate for Maryland State Senate.
Some of us have shaken the hand of the wannabe state senator, although we've never admitted to him that we long for the day when he's shaking the QB's hand and saying, "Hi, Kyle Orton ... I'm Kyle Lorton."
And so forth and so on ...
b
Sunday, November 01, 2009
The Game 4 Train Wreck
(Typing with tears in your eyes? Yeah ... if you're a douchebag, maybe ... )
WHICH WAS WORSE -- A) BLACK FRIDAY '77? ... B) 15-14 JAYS '93? ... C) TONIGHT?
Good one ... particularly for the Phillie Phan who was either 15 years old when it was 5-3 with one out to go, Lefty scheduled to start the next night to wrap up the series and then, suddenly, Davalillo's layin' down that bunt and Luzinski is drifting back, back, back on Mota's flyball and, then, oh shit, the throw is skipping away from Sizemore and then Froemming is calling Lopes safe ...
Or when Phillie Phan is 31 years old and feelin' good about holdin' down the 14-9 lead to even up the Series at 2-apiece with Schilling on the hill the next night ...
Or when Phillie Phan is 47 years old and Feliz's homer in the bottom of the 8th offers renewed hope with Lee on the hill the next night and, suddenly, Damon's stealing second and, suddenly, nobody's covering third, oh shit again, nobody's covering third ...
THAT DIDN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION.
Well, tonight doesn't compare to Black Friday because in '77, the Phils hadn't won a World Series in their 94 yrs. of existence. And, 15-14 in '93 ... that was a total abomination.
Tonight? If the top of the 9th HAD ended with the score tied, 4-4, at this very moment, we'd be heading to the top of the 13th.
AND, NATURALLY, THE BOTTOM OF THE 12TH WOULD'VE ENDED WITH CLAY CONDREY, PINCH-RUNNING FOR PAUL BAKO, GETTIN' THROWN OUT AT THE PLATE ATTEMPTING TO SCORE FROM SECOND ON PINCH-HITTER COLE HAMELS' SINGLE TO LEFT. (laugh track)
Told ya they shoulda pinch-ran for Bako with Antonio Bastardo. (laugh track)
ATTENDING GAME 4 LAST YEAR, AS SOME OF US DID (WITH TICKETS WHICH COST $0.00), WAS A LOT MORE FUN THAN WATCHING ON TV WHAT UNFOLDED TONIGHT.
True dat ... especially when somebody (that's me ... raising my hand) informed that drunk dude that it was I.M. Hipp. not J.A. Happ, warming up in the Phillies bullpen.
WHAT POSSIBLE SILVER LINING IS THERE FOR TONIGHT -- OR IS SILVER THE COLOR OF THE SHINY CUTLERY PROTRUDING FROM THE ABDOMEN IN A "STICK-A-FORK-IN-'EM" PARADIGM?
Gotta go win the next 3 ... and the first step in that process is defeating the often-mediocre-when-he-isn't-babying-an-injury A.J. Burnett.
OPTIMISTICALLY, WE'RE LOOKIN' AT COLE HAMELS STARTIN' GAME 7 AT YANKEE STADIUM, AREN'T WE? (laugh track) THAT'S EXCITING STUFF. IT'S WHAT EVERY KID DREAMS OF.
Unless Mgr. Yokel opts for surprise starter Brett Myers for Game 6 and saves Pedro for Game 7 ... or activating secret-weapon starter Rodrigo Lopez (with Happ and Bastardo ready at the first sign of danger) ... which would shatter Cole Hamels' dream. That is, if Cole Hamels actually has dreams which extend beyond his role in the next commercial for Comcast. (laugh track)
As per the dreams of young boys from the Empire State, it centers around one day starting in the midfield or as an attacker for Syracuse LAX -- mostly because The New Yankee Stadium is big-time kid-unfriendly with its $500 nosebleed seats.
KIDS WHO ARE PROHIBITED FROM ATTENDING MLB GAMES -- DOESN'T THAT GO AGAINST THE MLB'S "BEYOND BASEBALL" CAMPAIGN?
Not in or around the NYC area. Kids still have many options -- such as attending the local venues (be it MSG or the stadium which was built atop Jimmy Hoffa's gravesite) to watch the Mets suck, the Jets suck, the Giants suck, the Knicks suck, the Nets suck, the Rangers suck and the Islanders suck. The Pinstripers are all they've got. And while their step-dad is at the game and texting his girlfriend who isn't Mom, the kids can listen to the games on the radio and hear some riveting broadcasting from Suzyn Waldman (because non-athletic chicks w/ thicker-than-thick Noo Yak/Jewish(?) accents always provide the best baseball insight, fuhgeddabowdid!).
HEY, SUZYN WALDMAN/LINDA RICHMAN/CAWWFEE TALK IS NO WORSE THAN THE INCOHERENT SHIT THAT COMES OUTTA LARRY ANDERSEN'S MOUTH DURING PHILS' BROADCASTS.
Granted ... and, say ... nobody's accusing Larry Andersen of being drunk during the games. He just broadcasts as though he is. (laugh track)
FROM THE STANDPOINT OF THE TEAM WHICH USED TO WEAR THOSE COOL, MAROON-COLOURED CAPS AND MAROON PINSTRIPES (FROM 1970 THRU 1991), WHO DO WE BLAME FOR TONIGHT?
Several culprits spring to mind.
*Lidge leaving his fastball "up in the zone," as they say, for Damon and A-Roid to whack, well ... that wasn't smart.
*Rollins and Victorino gettin' aboard with no outs and failing to score ... that was harmful.
*Blanton got in a groove, but walking Nick Swisher to lead off the rally which snapped the 2-2 tie ... unwise.
Also, spotting NYY a 2-0 lead in the first ... that was 100% counter-productive ...
Unsmart ... harmful ... unwise ... and counter-productive are not the building blocks for a favorable outcome in a pivotal Game 4.
SO, IN OTHER WORDS, THE HOMER WHICH FELIZ TAGGED OFF OF JOBA PROVIDED ONLY FALSE HOPE?
Let's say Lidge DOES survive the top of the 9th -- what scenario did Phillie Phan envision for the bottom of the 9th vs. Phil Coke? Was it: Single by (Pinch Hitter X), single by Rollins, single by Victorino, strike out by Utley, strike out by Howard, walk-off grand slam by Werth?
The Happiness Paradigm always gets shifted and undermined by the Reality Coefficient -- so, even if it had been Coke rather than Mariano, it still might've ended up grounder to Teixeira, popup to Teixeira, grounder to Teixeira.
At least, Phil Coke didn't enter the game, earn the "W" and lead to a Daily News headline of: "PHILS HAVE A PROBLEM WITH COKE."
Or did we forget the Phils-On-Pills days of yore?
SPEAKING OF THE HAPPINESS PARADIGM AND THE REALITY COEFFICIENT, IS THE INEVITABILTY QUOTIENT THE REASON FOR A MEDIA BLACKOUT IN EFFECT AT THE HONEYCOMB HIDEOUT?
Yes ... and it's imperative that the blackout be honoured. We're probably not going to watch much of Game 5 until it's safe to do so. That mean gettin' Cliff Lee a 3-0 or 5-2 lead which he is entitled to. Also, we'll creatively channel the Games 3, 4 & 5 vs. L.A. to create a positive vibe. It's important to remember: A blackout prohibits Bobby Fuckin' Valentine from invading our personal space and stunting our personal growth with his inane and asinine comments re: matters which are only peripherially related to what actually transpired.
WHAT'S THE GAMEPLAN FOR FENDING OFF YANKEE LOUDMOUTHS TOMORROW?
Nuthin' much ... just me, wearin' a Steelers sweatshirt and offering something succinct along the lines of, "Highest payroll in The MLB every year, but no championships since 2000. Will we be hearing from you again before 2018?"
b
WHICH WAS WORSE -- A) BLACK FRIDAY '77? ... B) 15-14 JAYS '93? ... C) TONIGHT?
Good one ... particularly for the Phillie Phan who was either 15 years old when it was 5-3 with one out to go, Lefty scheduled to start the next night to wrap up the series and then, suddenly, Davalillo's layin' down that bunt and Luzinski is drifting back, back, back on Mota's flyball and, then, oh shit, the throw is skipping away from Sizemore and then Froemming is calling Lopes safe ...
Or when Phillie Phan is 31 years old and feelin' good about holdin' down the 14-9 lead to even up the Series at 2-apiece with Schilling on the hill the next night ...
Or when Phillie Phan is 47 years old and Feliz's homer in the bottom of the 8th offers renewed hope with Lee on the hill the next night and, suddenly, Damon's stealing second and, suddenly, nobody's covering third, oh shit again, nobody's covering third ...
THAT DIDN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION.
Well, tonight doesn't compare to Black Friday because in '77, the Phils hadn't won a World Series in their 94 yrs. of existence. And, 15-14 in '93 ... that was a total abomination.
Tonight? If the top of the 9th HAD ended with the score tied, 4-4, at this very moment, we'd be heading to the top of the 13th.
AND, NATURALLY, THE BOTTOM OF THE 12TH WOULD'VE ENDED WITH CLAY CONDREY, PINCH-RUNNING FOR PAUL BAKO, GETTIN' THROWN OUT AT THE PLATE ATTEMPTING TO SCORE FROM SECOND ON PINCH-HITTER COLE HAMELS' SINGLE TO LEFT. (laugh track)
Told ya they shoulda pinch-ran for Bako with Antonio Bastardo. (laugh track)
ATTENDING GAME 4 LAST YEAR, AS SOME OF US DID (WITH TICKETS WHICH COST $0.00), WAS A LOT MORE FUN THAN WATCHING ON TV WHAT UNFOLDED TONIGHT.
True dat ... especially when somebody (that's me ... raising my hand) informed that drunk dude that it was I.M. Hipp. not J.A. Happ, warming up in the Phillies bullpen.
WHAT POSSIBLE SILVER LINING IS THERE FOR TONIGHT -- OR IS SILVER THE COLOR OF THE SHINY CUTLERY PROTRUDING FROM THE ABDOMEN IN A "STICK-A-FORK-IN-'EM" PARADIGM?
Gotta go win the next 3 ... and the first step in that process is defeating the often-mediocre-when-he-isn't-babying-an-injury A.J. Burnett.
OPTIMISTICALLY, WE'RE LOOKIN' AT COLE HAMELS STARTIN' GAME 7 AT YANKEE STADIUM, AREN'T WE? (laugh track) THAT'S EXCITING STUFF. IT'S WHAT EVERY KID DREAMS OF.
Unless Mgr. Yokel opts for surprise starter Brett Myers for Game 6 and saves Pedro for Game 7 ... or activating secret-weapon starter Rodrigo Lopez (with Happ and Bastardo ready at the first sign of danger) ... which would shatter Cole Hamels' dream. That is, if Cole Hamels actually has dreams which extend beyond his role in the next commercial for Comcast. (laugh track)
As per the dreams of young boys from the Empire State, it centers around one day starting in the midfield or as an attacker for Syracuse LAX -- mostly because The New Yankee Stadium is big-time kid-unfriendly with its $500 nosebleed seats.
KIDS WHO ARE PROHIBITED FROM ATTENDING MLB GAMES -- DOESN'T THAT GO AGAINST THE MLB'S "BEYOND BASEBALL" CAMPAIGN?
Not in or around the NYC area. Kids still have many options -- such as attending the local venues (be it MSG or the stadium which was built atop Jimmy Hoffa's gravesite) to watch the Mets suck, the Jets suck, the Giants suck, the Knicks suck, the Nets suck, the Rangers suck and the Islanders suck. The Pinstripers are all they've got. And while their step-dad is at the game and texting his girlfriend who isn't Mom, the kids can listen to the games on the radio and hear some riveting broadcasting from Suzyn Waldman (because non-athletic chicks w/ thicker-than-thick Noo Yak/Jewish(?) accents always provide the best baseball insight, fuhgeddabowdid!).
HEY, SUZYN WALDMAN/LINDA RICHMAN/CAWWFEE TALK IS NO WORSE THAN THE INCOHERENT SHIT THAT COMES OUTTA LARRY ANDERSEN'S MOUTH DURING PHILS' BROADCASTS.
Granted ... and, say ... nobody's accusing Larry Andersen of being drunk during the games. He just broadcasts as though he is. (laugh track)
FROM THE STANDPOINT OF THE TEAM WHICH USED TO WEAR THOSE COOL, MAROON-COLOURED CAPS AND MAROON PINSTRIPES (FROM 1970 THRU 1991), WHO DO WE BLAME FOR TONIGHT?
Several culprits spring to mind.
*Lidge leaving his fastball "up in the zone," as they say, for Damon and A-Roid to whack, well ... that wasn't smart.
*Rollins and Victorino gettin' aboard with no outs and failing to score ... that was harmful.
*Blanton got in a groove, but walking Nick Swisher to lead off the rally which snapped the 2-2 tie ... unwise.
Also, spotting NYY a 2-0 lead in the first ... that was 100% counter-productive ...
Unsmart ... harmful ... unwise ... and counter-productive are not the building blocks for a favorable outcome in a pivotal Game 4.
SO, IN OTHER WORDS, THE HOMER WHICH FELIZ TAGGED OFF OF JOBA PROVIDED ONLY FALSE HOPE?
Let's say Lidge DOES survive the top of the 9th -- what scenario did Phillie Phan envision for the bottom of the 9th vs. Phil Coke? Was it: Single by (Pinch Hitter X), single by Rollins, single by Victorino, strike out by Utley, strike out by Howard, walk-off grand slam by Werth?
The Happiness Paradigm always gets shifted and undermined by the Reality Coefficient -- so, even if it had been Coke rather than Mariano, it still might've ended up grounder to Teixeira, popup to Teixeira, grounder to Teixeira.
At least, Phil Coke didn't enter the game, earn the "W" and lead to a Daily News headline of: "PHILS HAVE A PROBLEM WITH COKE."
Or did we forget the Phils-On-Pills days of yore?
SPEAKING OF THE HAPPINESS PARADIGM AND THE REALITY COEFFICIENT, IS THE INEVITABILTY QUOTIENT THE REASON FOR A MEDIA BLACKOUT IN EFFECT AT THE HONEYCOMB HIDEOUT?
Yes ... and it's imperative that the blackout be honoured. We're probably not going to watch much of Game 5 until it's safe to do so. That mean gettin' Cliff Lee a 3-0 or 5-2 lead which he is entitled to. Also, we'll creatively channel the Games 3, 4 & 5 vs. L.A. to create a positive vibe. It's important to remember: A blackout prohibits Bobby Fuckin' Valentine from invading our personal space and stunting our personal growth with his inane and asinine comments re: matters which are only peripherially related to what actually transpired.
WHAT'S THE GAMEPLAN FOR FENDING OFF YANKEE LOUDMOUTHS TOMORROW?
Nuthin' much ... just me, wearin' a Steelers sweatshirt and offering something succinct along the lines of, "Highest payroll in The MLB every year, but no championships since 2000. Will we be hearing from you again before 2018?"
b
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Game 3 Q&A
(Let's get the tarp off the infield and get right to the questionnaire) ...
WHAT WAS THE TURNING POINT OF TONIGHT'S GAME? WAS IT THE 1-HR., 20-MIN RAIN DELAY? WAS IT THE INSTANT-REPLAY/VIDEO REVIEW HOMER BY A-ROID?
Nah ... the Phils lost Game 3 way back on July 31. At the trade deadline ... when they didn't pull the trigger as some of us had suggested.
ARE YOU SAYING ... ?
Exactly ... and we've been over this a dozen times. GM Biology Major shoulda dealt Colbert Hamels for Harry Leroy Halladay. "Hamels for Halladay, straight up," we said.
WOULD THE BLUE JAYS HAVE MADE THAT SWAP?
Back on July 31? In a heartbeat ... Now? No ...
Ever since that win at the D-Backs three days before the trade deadline, Not King Cole is 4-8 w/ an ERA hovering around 5.00. As we've stated previously, that's borderline Ruffinish/Carmanesque -- or as Big Stein said to Costanza after George attached the World Series trophy to the rear bumper of his car and dragged it through the Yankee Stadium parking lot, "This is unnnn-axx-sept-uhhhh-bulll!" (that was before Mr. Wilhelm burst in and told Big Stein, "I'm tired of all your macho head games!"). >>>> The thing is, Hamels -- from what he's shown outside of Oct. '08 -- is that he's capable of probably many more 10-11 seasons, which, in the final analysis, doesn't stack up against the four or five 15-7 seasons that Roy Halladay might have remaining in his tank.
THAT SEEMS HIGHLY JUDGMENTAL, BASED SOLELY ON A ROCKY PAST 3 MOS. AFTER ALL, A 3-0 LEAD VS. THE BRONX BOMBERS IS NEVER SAFE.
It is for Roy Halladay -- 'cuz Roy Halladay makes big-boy pitches with MLB command. The unraveling tonight for Not King Cole was a walk to Teixeira preceding A-Roid's homer, not to mention the sorry pitches he threw to Swisher, Pettitte and Damon in the 5th. Let's face it: Colbert Hamels still hasn't earned our trust enough to be ranked with our Top 3 Phillie lefties of the past 33 yrs. (Carlton, Rawley, Mulholland) and he's not ready to replace Nino Espinosa as the #35 on the All-Time Phillies Roster in our hearts and in our minds.
THAT'S UNDERSTOOD -- BUT, WHAT REMAINS UNEXPLAINED IS WHY ON HAMELS' BaseballReference.com PAGE, HIS FULL NAME OF "COLBERT MICHAEL HAMELS" HAS BEEN SWITCHED TO "COLE MICHAEL HAMELS"? WHY IS THAT ... WHEN ROY HALLADAY REMAINS "HARRY LEROY HALLADAY"?
Maybe that's a question better suited for LegalZoom.com. But, if it matters, Toby Harrah is still "Colbert Dale Harrah" on his BaseballReference.com page.
TAKING THESE FACTORS INTO CONSIDERATION, AT WHAT POINT DID YOU LOSE INTEREST AND STOP WATCHING?
Not long after Colbert left that pitch up for Damon to whack to the RCF gap to make it 5-3 ... which was only a few minutes after Jack Buck's overrated kid described to America the RBI dunker which Andy Pettitte dumped into shallow CF thusly: "Pettitte hits one in the air to left ..."
It just didn't seem as though Utley and Howard were going to engineer a comeback, given the manner in which Pettitte had them all tied up and waving at pitches.
It seemed like a good time to put this one in the rear-view mirror and to re-tool for a Sunday nite showdown.
DIDN'T THE FANS SEEM A LITTLE SUBDUED AND FLAT, TOO?
Sure did -- except for that chant in the early innings which many of us couldn't decipher (it wasn't as distinct as "Beat L.A.!").
For Werth's second AB (after homering in the previous AB), there was polite hand-clapping and tepid towel-waving when they shoulda been tearing the roof off the place.
Also, there's enough of an influx of Jankee fans probably -- at least more than the 17 Tampa fans last year scattered throughout The Cit.
NONE OF THIS NON-ROWDINESS WAS THE BACKLASH OF WHAT HAPPENED TO DAVID SALE THREE MONTHS AGO, WAS IT?
You mean the guy who was beaten to death ("allegedly") by those three losers (obviously) in the parking lot after some beer was spilled by somebody on somebody else inside McFadden's?
"Shhhhhhhh!" ... that was a FOX Saturday game ... "shhhhhh!"
IF YOU STOPPED WATCHING WHEN YOU SAID YOU DID, THEN YOU MISSED WERTH'S SECOND HOMER. WHAT KIND OF A FAN ARE YOU?
Hey ... don't sweat it. I also missed his first one when I was out on the front porch wolfin' down a Pall Mall. Sometimes in life, smoke breaks happen ...
THOSE HOMERS SEEM A LITTLE EMPTY NOW, DON'T THEY? ... KINDA LIKE THE ONES DYKSTRA HIT IN THE PHILLY RAIN DURING GAME 4 IN '93.
Right ... and Carlos Ruiz's solo shot in the 9th was cheap window-dressing.
HOW NERVOUS SHOULD WE BE THAT IT'S UP TO JOE BLANTON TO KEEP THIS SERIES FROM GOIN' 3-TO-1 THE WRONG WAY?
That's not easy to quantify. What people forget is that Joe tied for the staff lead in wins (12), but he has as many victories as a starter in this postseason (0) as do the two guys he shared the wins leadership with (Happ and Moyer). Then, there's the simple fact that only ONCE in Phillie postseason history has the team ever rallied from a 2-games-to-1 deficit -- and that was back in '93 when Danny Jackson pitched lights out in Game 4 in the A-T-L.
DOES JOE BLANTON HAVE A CHAPTER 2 VERSION OF THE GEM HE AUTHORED IN GAME 4 LAST YEAR VS. THE RAYS?
Likely not ... but, here's the kicker: The last time that the Yankees played in the World Series (2003), lest we forget, they were beaten in Game 1 at The Stadium by the Fish before Pettitte and Clemens (neither of whom ever juiced, unless I've mis-remembered) completely shut down Florida in Games 2 and 3. Everybody was ready to hand that funky trophy with the 30 mini-flags on it to NYY, but then a funny thing happened to the Jankees in Game 4 -- (let's say it together) -- "Carl Pavano."
WHAT AN INTERESTING PARALLEL.
Isn't it, though? Pavano '03 was much like Hamels/Blanton '09 -- only Carl shoved the bats up the Yanks asses for 8 innings 'til Ugueth Urbina blew the win by allowing Ruben Sierra's, game-tying, 2-run triple w/ 2 outs in the 9th. FYI: Alex Gonzalez won that game with a walk-off homer in the 12th (that's the Venezuelan-born Alex Gonzalez, not the Miami-born Alex Gonzalez who kicked that routine grounder during the Bartman series ... the same Miami-born Alex Gonzalez whose final big-league days were the 20 games he played for the Phils in '06 ... probably The Wrong Alex Gonzalez, when ya get right down to it).
Either way, Gonzalez's homer tied the series, 2-2 ... the Fish won the next one at home ... and then Beckett rammed it up the Pinstripers asses in Game 6 in the Bronx.
COULDN'T WE ARGUE THAT THE YANKEES' '03 LINEUP WAS INFERIOR TO THE '09 LINEUP, GIVEN THAT KARIM GARCIA AND NICK JOHNSON WERE PINSTRIPERS THEN?
It's all relative. The '03 lineup had Bernie Williams and a heavily-HGH'ing Giambino as opposed to the current version of .255-hittin' Nick Swisher. And, now that ya mention it, aren't we all sick of, "Watch out, world! Nick Swisher's ready to bust out and hit .261 this year!"???
GRANTED ... BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SIZE OF THE DIP IN SWISHER'S LOWER LIP?
That's The MLB for ya -- which is the shitty part about the Phillies' long run into October (and now, November). If this was Jankees n' Dodjerks, some of us would be watching 0.00 minutes of the sport which delivers the following message to America's children: Remember, kids ... if you're coaching the bases in Little League, high school, junior college, upper college, DO NOT wear a batting helmet -- because foul balls only kill minor league base coaches. And, if you do wear a batting helmet, make sure it has no ear flaps because foul-ball line drives in the major leagues only strike the coaches on the top of the head ... never in or around the ear (or what we call "the skull's Death Zone"). Also ... tobacco is a no-no -- except for Nick Swisher and Jayson Werth and the fistfuls they wedge into their lower lips.
ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT THE MLB MAKES IT UP AS IT GOES ALONG?
Always has, always will ... To twist the new slogan, "This is beyond hypocrisy, this is Beyond Baseball ..."
b
WHAT WAS THE TURNING POINT OF TONIGHT'S GAME? WAS IT THE 1-HR., 20-MIN RAIN DELAY? WAS IT THE INSTANT-REPLAY/VIDEO REVIEW HOMER BY A-ROID?
Nah ... the Phils lost Game 3 way back on July 31. At the trade deadline ... when they didn't pull the trigger as some of us had suggested.
ARE YOU SAYING ... ?
Exactly ... and we've been over this a dozen times. GM Biology Major shoulda dealt Colbert Hamels for Harry Leroy Halladay. "Hamels for Halladay, straight up," we said.
WOULD THE BLUE JAYS HAVE MADE THAT SWAP?
Back on July 31? In a heartbeat ... Now? No ...
Ever since that win at the D-Backs three days before the trade deadline, Not King Cole is 4-8 w/ an ERA hovering around 5.00. As we've stated previously, that's borderline Ruffinish/Carmanesque -- or as Big Stein said to Costanza after George attached the World Series trophy to the rear bumper of his car and dragged it through the Yankee Stadium parking lot, "This is unnnn-axx-sept-uhhhh-bulll!" (that was before Mr. Wilhelm burst in and told Big Stein, "I'm tired of all your macho head games!"). >>>> The thing is, Hamels -- from what he's shown outside of Oct. '08 -- is that he's capable of probably many more 10-11 seasons, which, in the final analysis, doesn't stack up against the four or five 15-7 seasons that Roy Halladay might have remaining in his tank.
THAT SEEMS HIGHLY JUDGMENTAL, BASED SOLELY ON A ROCKY PAST 3 MOS. AFTER ALL, A 3-0 LEAD VS. THE BRONX BOMBERS IS NEVER SAFE.
It is for Roy Halladay -- 'cuz Roy Halladay makes big-boy pitches with MLB command. The unraveling tonight for Not King Cole was a walk to Teixeira preceding A-Roid's homer, not to mention the sorry pitches he threw to Swisher, Pettitte and Damon in the 5th. Let's face it: Colbert Hamels still hasn't earned our trust enough to be ranked with our Top 3 Phillie lefties of the past 33 yrs. (Carlton, Rawley, Mulholland) and he's not ready to replace Nino Espinosa as the #35 on the All-Time Phillies Roster in our hearts and in our minds.
THAT'S UNDERSTOOD -- BUT, WHAT REMAINS UNEXPLAINED IS WHY ON HAMELS' BaseballReference.com PAGE, HIS FULL NAME OF "COLBERT MICHAEL HAMELS" HAS BEEN SWITCHED TO "COLE MICHAEL HAMELS"? WHY IS THAT ... WHEN ROY HALLADAY REMAINS "HARRY LEROY HALLADAY"?
Maybe that's a question better suited for LegalZoom.com. But, if it matters, Toby Harrah is still "Colbert Dale Harrah" on his BaseballReference.com page.
TAKING THESE FACTORS INTO CONSIDERATION, AT WHAT POINT DID YOU LOSE INTEREST AND STOP WATCHING?
Not long after Colbert left that pitch up for Damon to whack to the RCF gap to make it 5-3 ... which was only a few minutes after Jack Buck's overrated kid described to America the RBI dunker which Andy Pettitte dumped into shallow CF thusly: "Pettitte hits one in the air to left ..."
It just didn't seem as though Utley and Howard were going to engineer a comeback, given the manner in which Pettitte had them all tied up and waving at pitches.
It seemed like a good time to put this one in the rear-view mirror and to re-tool for a Sunday nite showdown.
DIDN'T THE FANS SEEM A LITTLE SUBDUED AND FLAT, TOO?
Sure did -- except for that chant in the early innings which many of us couldn't decipher (it wasn't as distinct as "Beat L.A.!").
For Werth's second AB (after homering in the previous AB), there was polite hand-clapping and tepid towel-waving when they shoulda been tearing the roof off the place.
Also, there's enough of an influx of Jankee fans probably -- at least more than the 17 Tampa fans last year scattered throughout The Cit.
NONE OF THIS NON-ROWDINESS WAS THE BACKLASH OF WHAT HAPPENED TO DAVID SALE THREE MONTHS AGO, WAS IT?
You mean the guy who was beaten to death ("allegedly") by those three losers (obviously) in the parking lot after some beer was spilled by somebody on somebody else inside McFadden's?
"Shhhhhhhh!" ... that was a FOX Saturday game ... "shhhhhh!"
IF YOU STOPPED WATCHING WHEN YOU SAID YOU DID, THEN YOU MISSED WERTH'S SECOND HOMER. WHAT KIND OF A FAN ARE YOU?
Hey ... don't sweat it. I also missed his first one when I was out on the front porch wolfin' down a Pall Mall. Sometimes in life, smoke breaks happen ...
THOSE HOMERS SEEM A LITTLE EMPTY NOW, DON'T THEY? ... KINDA LIKE THE ONES DYKSTRA HIT IN THE PHILLY RAIN DURING GAME 4 IN '93.
Right ... and Carlos Ruiz's solo shot in the 9th was cheap window-dressing.
HOW NERVOUS SHOULD WE BE THAT IT'S UP TO JOE BLANTON TO KEEP THIS SERIES FROM GOIN' 3-TO-1 THE WRONG WAY?
That's not easy to quantify. What people forget is that Joe tied for the staff lead in wins (12), but he has as many victories as a starter in this postseason (0) as do the two guys he shared the wins leadership with (Happ and Moyer). Then, there's the simple fact that only ONCE in Phillie postseason history has the team ever rallied from a 2-games-to-1 deficit -- and that was back in '93 when Danny Jackson pitched lights out in Game 4 in the A-T-L.
DOES JOE BLANTON HAVE A CHAPTER 2 VERSION OF THE GEM HE AUTHORED IN GAME 4 LAST YEAR VS. THE RAYS?
Likely not ... but, here's the kicker: The last time that the Yankees played in the World Series (2003), lest we forget, they were beaten in Game 1 at The Stadium by the Fish before Pettitte and Clemens (neither of whom ever juiced, unless I've mis-remembered) completely shut down Florida in Games 2 and 3. Everybody was ready to hand that funky trophy with the 30 mini-flags on it to NYY, but then a funny thing happened to the Jankees in Game 4 -- (let's say it together) -- "Carl Pavano."
WHAT AN INTERESTING PARALLEL.
Isn't it, though? Pavano '03 was much like Hamels/Blanton '09 -- only Carl shoved the bats up the Yanks asses for 8 innings 'til Ugueth Urbina blew the win by allowing Ruben Sierra's, game-tying, 2-run triple w/ 2 outs in the 9th. FYI: Alex Gonzalez won that game with a walk-off homer in the 12th (that's the Venezuelan-born Alex Gonzalez, not the Miami-born Alex Gonzalez who kicked that routine grounder during the Bartman series ... the same Miami-born Alex Gonzalez whose final big-league days were the 20 games he played for the Phils in '06 ... probably The Wrong Alex Gonzalez, when ya get right down to it).
Either way, Gonzalez's homer tied the series, 2-2 ... the Fish won the next one at home ... and then Beckett rammed it up the Pinstripers asses in Game 6 in the Bronx.
COULDN'T WE ARGUE THAT THE YANKEES' '03 LINEUP WAS INFERIOR TO THE '09 LINEUP, GIVEN THAT KARIM GARCIA AND NICK JOHNSON WERE PINSTRIPERS THEN?
It's all relative. The '03 lineup had Bernie Williams and a heavily-HGH'ing Giambino as opposed to the current version of .255-hittin' Nick Swisher. And, now that ya mention it, aren't we all sick of, "Watch out, world! Nick Swisher's ready to bust out and hit .261 this year!"???
GRANTED ... BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SIZE OF THE DIP IN SWISHER'S LOWER LIP?
That's The MLB for ya -- which is the shitty part about the Phillies' long run into October (and now, November). If this was Jankees n' Dodjerks, some of us would be watching 0.00 minutes of the sport which delivers the following message to America's children: Remember, kids ... if you're coaching the bases in Little League, high school, junior college, upper college, DO NOT wear a batting helmet -- because foul balls only kill minor league base coaches. And, if you do wear a batting helmet, make sure it has no ear flaps because foul-ball line drives in the major leagues only strike the coaches on the top of the head ... never in or around the ear (or what we call "the skull's Death Zone"). Also ... tobacco is a no-no -- except for Nick Swisher and Jayson Werth and the fistfuls they wedge into their lower lips.
ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT THE MLB MAKES IT UP AS IT GOES ALONG?
Always has, always will ... To twist the new slogan, "This is beyond hypocrisy, this is Beyond Baseball ..."
b
Sunday, October 25, 2009
"This Is Steve ... And He's (Still) A Sex Addict"
... and then everybody in the group joins the chorus, "Hi, Steve!" -- the only exception here is that, "yes" ... we will judge you and, "no" ... we'll probably never accept you nor will we ever love you.
To coin a phrase ... "tough titties."
Steve Phillips has forgotten more about titties than most of us (some of us, anyway) will ever know ... but, before we get all judgmental and say, "Once a sex addict, always a sex addict," let's remember that Steve Phillips has a disease -- and let's thank god that the last we'll ever see of him on live TV is spouting nonsense on "Baseball Tonight" rather than engaged in a memorable kitchen-table sit-down (while he's naked) with NBC Dateline's Chris Hansen.
A lot of kids across America stumbled into Phillips' face on TV and thought to themselves, "Why can't that guy finish turning that baby goat-tee into a full-grown goat-tee?"
The shit hit the fan on this Sunday morning -- and perhaps the silver lining to this Married Steve and His Girlfriend is that the story (so far) hasn't reached its "climax," so to speak, wherein Married Steve becomes Murdered Steve ... as it did more than three months ago for Steve McNair and his gal, Sahel Kazemi.
Most of us used to believe that Steve Phillips shoulda been Kazemi'ed because he came off as such a smug prick, so to speak, every time we saw him on TV ... but, there are many children out there across America who weren't laughing their asses off 10 yrs. ago when we heard the Mutts GM admit that he had a sexual addiction.
Despite his illness (covered? or NOT covered? in the new Obama Healthcare Package), the Disneyland Baseball Channel is probably going to lower the boom on Phillips (meaning that the final lasting observation he gave America was J-Roll's walk-off, 2-run double "hit the chain-link fence, blah blah blah ...).
Dammit, we're gonna miss that commentary.
It was unfortunate that the Espy Network chick who claims to be his lover thrust, so to speak, this situation into the public eye and set Phillips up for weeks of abuse.
The leadoff batter, metaphorically, was CBS Sportline's Gregg Doyel, who appeared on that Sunday morning CNN program which much of us weren't paying attention to as we dressed and prepared to go outdoors.
Doyel's initial cheap shot was that Phillips lover ain't too good-lookin'.
If such a remark seems harsh, America needs to understand that Doyel is obligated to say what he did.
As those of us who don't waste our time reading Doyel's traditional bullshit, we realize that guys who have a dangle the size of a broken No. 2 pencil and who, at birth, got the fuck beaten outta them with the ugly stick NEED to be pro-active in zeroing on peripheral, superficial matters.
Such as the looks of others who also got the fuck beaten outta them with the ugly stick.
It's doubtful that, in the days ahead, if we'll learn if Steve Phillips' lover had an inner-thigh that was sweeter n' hotter n' softer than cinnamon rolls fresh outta the oven -- just as we'll probably never learn where Gregg Doyel stashes his NAMBLA literature.
The central issue should be that it's America's children who'll be the losers in the end.
Then again, The MLB-Y2K-ESPN superpower was never intended for kids.
It's to reintroduce us to that "other" ex-Mets prick Bobby Valentine ... and the .063 percent of value he adds to everything he does.
So, how will America's children learn about the birds n' the bees between episodes of the Married Steve and the Murdered Steve?
From De Niro, of course.
When it comes to mapping out the M-L-B and s-e-x, it's always best to pop "The Fan" into the DVD player.
You remember: Young Richie Renard and his dad, Gil, are driving to Candleshit for the season opener.
RICHIE: "Jason Pelligrini's dad says Mick Jagger is gay."
GIL (angrily): "Jason Pelligrini's dad takes it up the ass."
It's up to America to decide if De Niro as Gil Renard offering that hostile response revealed him as a less-thoughtful character than the one he portrayed 25 or so years earlier when he was New York Mammoths catcher Bruce Pearson learning the ropes from teammate Henry Wiggen (Michael Moriarty) in "Bang The Drum Slowly."
BRUCE: "Arthur, if you was on one team and I was on another, what kinda book would you keep on me?"
HENRY: "If you was on one team and I was on another, I'd say to myself, 'No need to keep a book on Pearson, 'cuz Pearson keeps no book on me.' 'Cuz if I strike ya out on a curveball 'in here,' you don't go back to the bench sayin' 'That son of a bitch, Wiggen, he struck me out on a curveball in here, so I'll be on the lookout next time.' No ... you go back to the bench sayin', 'I think I need a frank' or 'I see a great pair of jugs up in the stands.' "
Hey ... it's a mediocre movie at best ... but it's all we have.
And it's better than reading Doyel's rants re: Steve Phillips' pursuit of 'tang ...
b
To coin a phrase ... "tough titties."
Steve Phillips has forgotten more about titties than most of us (some of us, anyway) will ever know ... but, before we get all judgmental and say, "Once a sex addict, always a sex addict," let's remember that Steve Phillips has a disease -- and let's thank god that the last we'll ever see of him on live TV is spouting nonsense on "Baseball Tonight" rather than engaged in a memorable kitchen-table sit-down (while he's naked) with NBC Dateline's Chris Hansen.
A lot of kids across America stumbled into Phillips' face on TV and thought to themselves, "Why can't that guy finish turning that baby goat-tee into a full-grown goat-tee?"
The shit hit the fan on this Sunday morning -- and perhaps the silver lining to this Married Steve and His Girlfriend is that the story (so far) hasn't reached its "climax," so to speak, wherein Married Steve becomes Murdered Steve ... as it did more than three months ago for Steve McNair and his gal, Sahel Kazemi.
Most of us used to believe that Steve Phillips shoulda been Kazemi'ed because he came off as such a smug prick, so to speak, every time we saw him on TV ... but, there are many children out there across America who weren't laughing their asses off 10 yrs. ago when we heard the Mutts GM admit that he had a sexual addiction.
Despite his illness (covered? or NOT covered? in the new Obama Healthcare Package), the Disneyland Baseball Channel is probably going to lower the boom on Phillips (meaning that the final lasting observation he gave America was J-Roll's walk-off, 2-run double "hit the chain-link fence, blah blah blah ...).
Dammit, we're gonna miss that commentary.
It was unfortunate that the Espy Network chick who claims to be his lover thrust, so to speak, this situation into the public eye and set Phillips up for weeks of abuse.
The leadoff batter, metaphorically, was CBS Sportline's Gregg Doyel, who appeared on that Sunday morning CNN program which much of us weren't paying attention to as we dressed and prepared to go outdoors.
Doyel's initial cheap shot was that Phillips lover ain't too good-lookin'.
If such a remark seems harsh, America needs to understand that Doyel is obligated to say what he did.
As those of us who don't waste our time reading Doyel's traditional bullshit, we realize that guys who have a dangle the size of a broken No. 2 pencil and who, at birth, got the fuck beaten outta them with the ugly stick NEED to be pro-active in zeroing on peripheral, superficial matters.
Such as the looks of others who also got the fuck beaten outta them with the ugly stick.
It's doubtful that, in the days ahead, if we'll learn if Steve Phillips' lover had an inner-thigh that was sweeter n' hotter n' softer than cinnamon rolls fresh outta the oven -- just as we'll probably never learn where Gregg Doyel stashes his NAMBLA literature.
The central issue should be that it's America's children who'll be the losers in the end.
Then again, The MLB-Y2K-ESPN superpower was never intended for kids.
It's to reintroduce us to that "other" ex-Mets prick Bobby Valentine ... and the .063 percent of value he adds to everything he does.
So, how will America's children learn about the birds n' the bees between episodes of the Married Steve and the Murdered Steve?
From De Niro, of course.
When it comes to mapping out the M-L-B and s-e-x, it's always best to pop "The Fan" into the DVD player.
You remember: Young Richie Renard and his dad, Gil, are driving to Candleshit for the season opener.
RICHIE: "Jason Pelligrini's dad says Mick Jagger is gay."
GIL (angrily): "Jason Pelligrini's dad takes it up the ass."
It's up to America to decide if De Niro as Gil Renard offering that hostile response revealed him as a less-thoughtful character than the one he portrayed 25 or so years earlier when he was New York Mammoths catcher Bruce Pearson learning the ropes from teammate Henry Wiggen (Michael Moriarty) in "Bang The Drum Slowly."
BRUCE: "Arthur, if you was on one team and I was on another, what kinda book would you keep on me?"
HENRY: "If you was on one team and I was on another, I'd say to myself, 'No need to keep a book on Pearson, 'cuz Pearson keeps no book on me.' 'Cuz if I strike ya out on a curveball 'in here,' you don't go back to the bench sayin' 'That son of a bitch, Wiggen, he struck me out on a curveball in here, so I'll be on the lookout next time.' No ... you go back to the bench sayin', 'I think I need a frank' or 'I see a great pair of jugs up in the stands.' "
Hey ... it's a mediocre movie at best ... but it's all we have.
And it's better than reading Doyel's rants re: Steve Phillips' pursuit of 'tang ...
b
Monday, October 19, 2009
PHILLIES: Neutralizing The Guns of Brixton
"When they kick at your front door
How you gonna come?
With your hands on your head
Or on the trigger of your gun
When the law break in
How you gonna go?
Shot down on the pavement
Or waiting in Death Row
You can crush us
You can bruise us
But you'll have to answer to
Ohhh-ho, the Guns of Brixton ... "
What a blockbuster night this was ... on the Monday following last Monday's "wrecking of Rocktober," the Fightin's dialed up some more magic -- and now the questions are rollin' in like a Rollins shot to the gap ...
WHILE SOME OF US HAVE BEEN SINGING "GUNS OF BRIXTON" EVER SINCE CHUCK AND I WERE THE FIRST GUYS (PROBABLY) AT T.O.H.S. TO BUY THAT LP WAY BACK DURING THE FIRST YEAR THAT THE PHILLIES WON THEIR FIRST WORLD SERIES, WE HAVE WONDERED ALOUD "GUNS OF BRIXTON" EDGES OUT (OR NOT) "BRAND NEW CADILLAC," "HATEFUL," "CLAMPDOWN," AND/OR "DEATH AND GLORY" AS THE BEST CUTS ON THAT DOUBLE-LP.
That is wayyyy toooo close to call! They are all like Pall Malls or Double-Doubles from In-N-Out ... an unforgettable trip to Flavour Country.
NOW THAT WE EXAMINE IT CLOSER, AREN'T WE ACTUALLY USING "GUNS OF BRIXTON" HERE MERELY AS A PLAY ON WORDS FOR DODGER CLOSER JONATHAN BROXTON AND HIS DEMISE TONIGHT AT THE HANDS OF THE FIGHTIN' PHILS?
Maybe, maybe not ... and, as such, we might be smarter to fire up "The Eton Rifles" and muscially remark: "Thought you were clever when you lit the fuse / Tore down the House of Commons in your brand new shoes / Composed the revolutionary symphony / Then went to bed with a charming young thing / Hello, hurray ... cheers then, mate .... It's the Eton Rifles! Eton Rifles!"
SAY, THE LAST TIME WE SAW CHUCK, DIDN'T WE DROP HIM OFF IN EXTON AFTER WE TOOK HIM PAST THE VET A FEW WEEKS AFTER THE FINAL GAME THERE AND BEFORE WE TOOK HIM TO PAT'S KING OF STEAKS WHERE HE FUMBLED HIS ORDER?
That was a good time ... only thing is, worse than Chuck not remembering what he was taught ("one, Wiz, without"), dude put ketchup on his cheesesteak.
SAY, ISN'T MATT RYAN FROM EXTON?
Apparently ...
IS THAT ANYWHERE NEAR BRIXTON OR ETON?
Maybe ... maybe not ...
BACK TO THAT GUY WHO'S NOT FROM BRIXTON OR FROM EXTON ... WHY DOES baseballreference.com LIST BROXTON AS 6-4/240 WHILE EVERYBODY ELSE HAS HIM AT 6-4/294?
Maybe he was eatin' a tossed green salad the day that he stepped on the scale for SABR.
IF HE TRULY IS THE 'GIGANTOR' OF RELIEF PITCHERS, THEN WHAT THE HELL WAS HE DOIN' NIBBLING WITH STAIRS AT THE PLATE? GIGANTOR SHOULDN'T "NIBBLE," SHOULD HE? SHOULDN'T GIGANTOR BE BREATHIN' FIRE AND KNOCKIN' OVER SKYSCRAPERS?
That was some of the most-moronic pitching that humankind has ever seen ... walking Stairs on 4 pitches. Who cares if the fireplug-sized former slugger took Broxton deep in Game 4 in L.A. last year -- that was LAST year. GIGANTOR would've benefitted from Hall of Fame mgr. (so they say) Joe Torre passing him a note which read: "Forget about last year. Tonight is not last year."
During the final 3 mos. of THIS season, Stairs batted a robust .082 which included that particularly forgettable stretch of 30 consecutive ABs w/o a hit. Torre -- the managerial messiah (so they say) -- failed to dispatch Honeycutt to the mound to remind Broxton that, at 6-4/294, "you are the big, bad wolf ... not that pussy, errr ... Canadian guy in the batter's box."
A 4-PITCH WALK ... AND THEN RUIZ GETS PLUNKED ON THE VERY NEXT PITCH ...
That Ruiz HBP was a continuation of Broxton overthinking the situation and aiming a pitch (quite poorly, in fact) rather than allowing his super Gigantor powers to clean up the mess. Mighty Brox's mind might've rewound to that Thurs. afternoon game in mid-May when he was one strike away from nailing down a 3-1 for L.A. at The Cit and Ruiz, after fouling off two pitches, pounded a 2-run double which tied the game.
OKAY, BUT CHECK OUT THIS MOMENT-OF-CLARITY: AFTER DOBBSIE HIT THAT WEIRD FLUTTERBALL TO CASEY BLAKE FOR OUT #2, A LOT OF US WERE WATCHIN' J-ROLL SETTLE INTO THE BATTER'S BOX AND, AS WE WERE HOPIN' FOR A SHARP SINGLE TO TIE THE GAME, IT DAWNED ON US THAT WE REALLY DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING IN OUR MEMORY BANK RE: J-ROLL PROVIDING ANYTHING OF THE "WALK-OFF" VARIETY. HE'S BEEN A MONEY PLAYER FOR ALMOST A FULL DECADE NOW ... HE WAS MR. 20-20-20-20 MVP TWO YEARS AGO ... HE HIT THE GRAND SLAM AND THE 2-RUN DOUBLE LATE IN THE GAME IN WHICH DAVID SALE WAS BEATEN TO DEATH IN THE PARKING LOT OUTSIDE THE CIT SOMETIME AROUND THE TIME THAT STEPHEN REGISTER WAS MAKING HIS ONLY PITCHING APPEARANCE FOR THE FIGHTIN'S ... BUT, NOTWITHSTANDING THAT, J-ROLL SIMPLY ISN'T A WALK-OFF KINDA GUY ...
Well, not until tonight, anyway -- primarily because he'd never been in that situation before. Not that we can recall, anyway. SABRmetric doofuses who spent a lotta time crunching SABRmetric numbers instead of crushing 2-2 sliders on the black put a lot of value (too much, as far as we're concerned) in those historical "late-inning pressure situation" averages. Any SABmetricistian, however, who diminishes the value of J-Roll's leadoff homer in Game 4 of last year's NLDS in Milwaukee or his leadoff HR in Game 5 of the NLCS in L.A. -- and the boost that those HRs provided to the team -- should probably turn in his SABRmetricistian membership card and return to the activity of French-kissing the boy in bed beside him. The rest of us will return to the act of valuing J-Roll as "an ignitor" ... i.e. his singles which started the 9th inning rallies in Game 3 and Game 4 in Colorado. All of the aformentioned hits, nevertheless, will rank a distant second to that frickin' rocket which J-Roll sent to the gap tonight.
SPEAKING OF THAT MISSILE UP THE ALLEY, WHAT THE FRICK WAS REFORMED-SEX-ADDICT STEVE PHILLIPS TALKIN' 'BOUT WHEN HE MADE A POINT OF MENTIONING THAT THE BALL BOUNCED UP AGAINST THE CHAIN-LINK FENCE WHICH PROVIDES THE "OUTER SHELL," AS IT WERE, OF THE OUTFIELD WALL? DID THE SILVER FOX WITH THE UNFINISHED GOAT-TEE WANT US TO MAKE SOME SORT OF CONNECTION?
Nobody knows -- not even reformed-sex-addict Steve Phillips -- knows what the fuck Steve Phillips is saying after he says what he says with that mouth that he also uses to (#$&&) a lot of (&**@#).
From what we think we can ascertain, Phillips seemed to be hinting that if the outfield wall had been made of Gummi Bears instead of chain-link material, the ball would've caromed, rapid-fire, to Ethier and he would've made a throw on the fly from the warning track to home plate to nail Ruiz and send this baby to extras ...
IF A DICKWAD SUCH AS STEVE PHILLIPS HAD DONE HIS HOMEWORK INSTEAD OF JACKING OFF IN ONE OF ESPN's RESTROOMS (MEN'S OR WOMEN'S, HE AIN'T FUSSY), HE'D'VE INFORMED AMERICA THAT NO PHILLIE-DODGER PLAYOFF SERIES HAS EVER BEEN TIED 2-GAMES-APIECE THRU 4 GAMES ... WHICH WAS THE ONLY THOUGHT INSIDE SOME OF OUR HEADS AS THE 9TH INNING BEGAN.
A nugget like that is valuable ... but, if ya lived thru 1977 and 1978 ya remember how those Game 4s ended ... and ya also remember the highs of Game 4 in '83 (a Sixto Lexcano homer!) and Game 4 last year (a Victorino homer into the Phillie bullpen which almost decapitated rookie catcher Lou Marson). Kinda makes ya wonder where Sixto and Lou watched the game tonight.
DEEP DOWN, DIDN'T WE ALL KNOW THAT THIS GAME WOULD WORK OUT IN THE FIGHTIN'S FAVOUR BECAUSE, LET'S FACE IT, ANY TIME RANDY WOLF STARTS A BIG GAME IN PHILLY, RANDY WOLF'S BEST INTERESTS ARE NEVER SERVED?
Agreed ... although he got jobbed on the 2-strike pitch which woulda rung up Howard in the first inning before the big guy jacked it out on the next pitch.
THAT HAD TO PLEASE THE WOLF PACK.
For sure, tho' does anyone remember the FOX cameras showing any shots of somebody wearing a rubber wolf mask?
Thinking outside the pack, it was pleasing when -- after the Dodgers had nicked and scratched their way from a 2-0 deficit to a 4-2 lead -- Victorino and Utley delivered some comeback material with that Manny-assisted triple and a solid RBI single.
ALTHOUGH THIS WAS A PHILLIE COMEBACK FOR THE AGES, THERE'S ONE GUY WHO'S GOING TO SPEND ALL OF TUESDAY SETTIN' THE RECORD STRAIGHT, ISN'T HE?
Damn straight. The one and only George Vukovich will be tellin' everybody, "J-Roll's hit was terrific, but I remain the only player in the Phillies' 125-year history to end a playoff game with a walk-off homer. Get it straight, people ... I hit a walk-off HOMER!!!"
HOW VALID IS HIS POINT?
As valid as valid gets. But, now it's time to end this in 5 games and avoid a trip back to La-La Land, where the Santa Ana winds whip up never-ending brushfires while shifts in the San Andreas Fault stir up constant earthquake anxiety.
COLE HAMELS IS FROM CALI -- IS HE THE MAN FOR THE JOB?
If he can block out the distractions of his new baby girl named Colbertina and channel his inner gun of Brixton or Eton Rifle. Otherwise, it'll be Cliff Lee on the hill at Dodger Stadium on Fri. nite for Game 6.
No one wants to see that when it's totally avoidable ...
b
How you gonna come?
With your hands on your head
Or on the trigger of your gun
When the law break in
How you gonna go?
Shot down on the pavement
Or waiting in Death Row
You can crush us
You can bruise us
But you'll have to answer to
Ohhh-ho, the Guns of Brixton ... "
What a blockbuster night this was ... on the Monday following last Monday's "wrecking of Rocktober," the Fightin's dialed up some more magic -- and now the questions are rollin' in like a Rollins shot to the gap ...
WHILE SOME OF US HAVE BEEN SINGING "GUNS OF BRIXTON" EVER SINCE CHUCK AND I WERE THE FIRST GUYS (PROBABLY) AT T.O.H.S. TO BUY THAT LP WAY BACK DURING THE FIRST YEAR THAT THE PHILLIES WON THEIR FIRST WORLD SERIES, WE HAVE WONDERED ALOUD "GUNS OF BRIXTON" EDGES OUT (OR NOT) "BRAND NEW CADILLAC," "HATEFUL," "CLAMPDOWN," AND/OR "DEATH AND GLORY" AS THE BEST CUTS ON THAT DOUBLE-LP.
That is wayyyy toooo close to call! They are all like Pall Malls or Double-Doubles from In-N-Out ... an unforgettable trip to Flavour Country.
NOW THAT WE EXAMINE IT CLOSER, AREN'T WE ACTUALLY USING "GUNS OF BRIXTON" HERE MERELY AS A PLAY ON WORDS FOR DODGER CLOSER JONATHAN BROXTON AND HIS DEMISE TONIGHT AT THE HANDS OF THE FIGHTIN' PHILS?
Maybe, maybe not ... and, as such, we might be smarter to fire up "The Eton Rifles" and muscially remark: "Thought you were clever when you lit the fuse / Tore down the House of Commons in your brand new shoes / Composed the revolutionary symphony / Then went to bed with a charming young thing / Hello, hurray ... cheers then, mate .... It's the Eton Rifles! Eton Rifles!"
SAY, THE LAST TIME WE SAW CHUCK, DIDN'T WE DROP HIM OFF IN EXTON AFTER WE TOOK HIM PAST THE VET A FEW WEEKS AFTER THE FINAL GAME THERE AND BEFORE WE TOOK HIM TO PAT'S KING OF STEAKS WHERE HE FUMBLED HIS ORDER?
That was a good time ... only thing is, worse than Chuck not remembering what he was taught ("one, Wiz, without"), dude put ketchup on his cheesesteak.
SAY, ISN'T MATT RYAN FROM EXTON?
Apparently ...
IS THAT ANYWHERE NEAR BRIXTON OR ETON?
Maybe ... maybe not ...
BACK TO THAT GUY WHO'S NOT FROM BRIXTON OR FROM EXTON ... WHY DOES baseballreference.com LIST BROXTON AS 6-4/240 WHILE EVERYBODY ELSE HAS HIM AT 6-4/294?
Maybe he was eatin' a tossed green salad the day that he stepped on the scale for SABR.
IF HE TRULY IS THE 'GIGANTOR' OF RELIEF PITCHERS, THEN WHAT THE HELL WAS HE DOIN' NIBBLING WITH STAIRS AT THE PLATE? GIGANTOR SHOULDN'T "NIBBLE," SHOULD HE? SHOULDN'T GIGANTOR BE BREATHIN' FIRE AND KNOCKIN' OVER SKYSCRAPERS?
That was some of the most-moronic pitching that humankind has ever seen ... walking Stairs on 4 pitches. Who cares if the fireplug-sized former slugger took Broxton deep in Game 4 in L.A. last year -- that was LAST year. GIGANTOR would've benefitted from Hall of Fame mgr. (so they say) Joe Torre passing him a note which read: "Forget about last year. Tonight is not last year."
During the final 3 mos. of THIS season, Stairs batted a robust .082 which included that particularly forgettable stretch of 30 consecutive ABs w/o a hit. Torre -- the managerial messiah (so they say) -- failed to dispatch Honeycutt to the mound to remind Broxton that, at 6-4/294, "you are the big, bad wolf ... not that pussy, errr ... Canadian guy in the batter's box."
A 4-PITCH WALK ... AND THEN RUIZ GETS PLUNKED ON THE VERY NEXT PITCH ...
That Ruiz HBP was a continuation of Broxton overthinking the situation and aiming a pitch (quite poorly, in fact) rather than allowing his super Gigantor powers to clean up the mess. Mighty Brox's mind might've rewound to that Thurs. afternoon game in mid-May when he was one strike away from nailing down a 3-1 for L.A. at The Cit and Ruiz, after fouling off two pitches, pounded a 2-run double which tied the game.
OKAY, BUT CHECK OUT THIS MOMENT-OF-CLARITY: AFTER DOBBSIE HIT THAT WEIRD FLUTTERBALL TO CASEY BLAKE FOR OUT #2, A LOT OF US WERE WATCHIN' J-ROLL SETTLE INTO THE BATTER'S BOX AND, AS WE WERE HOPIN' FOR A SHARP SINGLE TO TIE THE GAME, IT DAWNED ON US THAT WE REALLY DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING IN OUR MEMORY BANK RE: J-ROLL PROVIDING ANYTHING OF THE "WALK-OFF" VARIETY. HE'S BEEN A MONEY PLAYER FOR ALMOST A FULL DECADE NOW ... HE WAS MR. 20-20-20-20 MVP TWO YEARS AGO ... HE HIT THE GRAND SLAM AND THE 2-RUN DOUBLE LATE IN THE GAME IN WHICH DAVID SALE WAS BEATEN TO DEATH IN THE PARKING LOT OUTSIDE THE CIT SOMETIME AROUND THE TIME THAT STEPHEN REGISTER WAS MAKING HIS ONLY PITCHING APPEARANCE FOR THE FIGHTIN'S ... BUT, NOTWITHSTANDING THAT, J-ROLL SIMPLY ISN'T A WALK-OFF KINDA GUY ...
Well, not until tonight, anyway -- primarily because he'd never been in that situation before. Not that we can recall, anyway. SABRmetric doofuses who spent a lotta time crunching SABRmetric numbers instead of crushing 2-2 sliders on the black put a lot of value (too much, as far as we're concerned) in those historical "late-inning pressure situation" averages. Any SABmetricistian, however, who diminishes the value of J-Roll's leadoff homer in Game 4 of last year's NLDS in Milwaukee or his leadoff HR in Game 5 of the NLCS in L.A. -- and the boost that those HRs provided to the team -- should probably turn in his SABRmetricistian membership card and return to the activity of French-kissing the boy in bed beside him. The rest of us will return to the act of valuing J-Roll as "an ignitor" ... i.e. his singles which started the 9th inning rallies in Game 3 and Game 4 in Colorado. All of the aformentioned hits, nevertheless, will rank a distant second to that frickin' rocket which J-Roll sent to the gap tonight.
SPEAKING OF THAT MISSILE UP THE ALLEY, WHAT THE FRICK WAS REFORMED-SEX-ADDICT STEVE PHILLIPS TALKIN' 'BOUT WHEN HE MADE A POINT OF MENTIONING THAT THE BALL BOUNCED UP AGAINST THE CHAIN-LINK FENCE WHICH PROVIDES THE "OUTER SHELL," AS IT WERE, OF THE OUTFIELD WALL? DID THE SILVER FOX WITH THE UNFINISHED GOAT-TEE WANT US TO MAKE SOME SORT OF CONNECTION?
Nobody knows -- not even reformed-sex-addict Steve Phillips -- knows what the fuck Steve Phillips is saying after he says what he says with that mouth that he also uses to (#$&&) a lot of (&**@#).
From what we think we can ascertain, Phillips seemed to be hinting that if the outfield wall had been made of Gummi Bears instead of chain-link material, the ball would've caromed, rapid-fire, to Ethier and he would've made a throw on the fly from the warning track to home plate to nail Ruiz and send this baby to extras ...
IF A DICKWAD SUCH AS STEVE PHILLIPS HAD DONE HIS HOMEWORK INSTEAD OF JACKING OFF IN ONE OF ESPN's RESTROOMS (MEN'S OR WOMEN'S, HE AIN'T FUSSY), HE'D'VE INFORMED AMERICA THAT NO PHILLIE-DODGER PLAYOFF SERIES HAS EVER BEEN TIED 2-GAMES-APIECE THRU 4 GAMES ... WHICH WAS THE ONLY THOUGHT INSIDE SOME OF OUR HEADS AS THE 9TH INNING BEGAN.
A nugget like that is valuable ... but, if ya lived thru 1977 and 1978 ya remember how those Game 4s ended ... and ya also remember the highs of Game 4 in '83 (a Sixto Lexcano homer!) and Game 4 last year (a Victorino homer into the Phillie bullpen which almost decapitated rookie catcher Lou Marson). Kinda makes ya wonder where Sixto and Lou watched the game tonight.
DEEP DOWN, DIDN'T WE ALL KNOW THAT THIS GAME WOULD WORK OUT IN THE FIGHTIN'S FAVOUR BECAUSE, LET'S FACE IT, ANY TIME RANDY WOLF STARTS A BIG GAME IN PHILLY, RANDY WOLF'S BEST INTERESTS ARE NEVER SERVED?
Agreed ... although he got jobbed on the 2-strike pitch which woulda rung up Howard in the first inning before the big guy jacked it out on the next pitch.
THAT HAD TO PLEASE THE WOLF PACK.
For sure, tho' does anyone remember the FOX cameras showing any shots of somebody wearing a rubber wolf mask?
Thinking outside the pack, it was pleasing when -- after the Dodgers had nicked and scratched their way from a 2-0 deficit to a 4-2 lead -- Victorino and Utley delivered some comeback material with that Manny-assisted triple and a solid RBI single.
ALTHOUGH THIS WAS A PHILLIE COMEBACK FOR THE AGES, THERE'S ONE GUY WHO'S GOING TO SPEND ALL OF TUESDAY SETTIN' THE RECORD STRAIGHT, ISN'T HE?
Damn straight. The one and only George Vukovich will be tellin' everybody, "J-Roll's hit was terrific, but I remain the only player in the Phillies' 125-year history to end a playoff game with a walk-off homer. Get it straight, people ... I hit a walk-off HOMER!!!"
HOW VALID IS HIS POINT?
As valid as valid gets. But, now it's time to end this in 5 games and avoid a trip back to La-La Land, where the Santa Ana winds whip up never-ending brushfires while shifts in the San Andreas Fault stir up constant earthquake anxiety.
COLE HAMELS IS FROM CALI -- IS HE THE MAN FOR THE JOB?
If he can block out the distractions of his new baby girl named Colbertina and channel his inner gun of Brixton or Eton Rifle. Otherwise, it'll be Cliff Lee on the hill at Dodger Stadium on Fri. nite for Game 6.
No one wants to see that when it's totally avoidable ...
b
Thursday, October 15, 2009
CARLOS RUIZ: Not Afraid Of Curtain Koleslaw
... which should come as a surprise to no one, given that Carlos Ruiz is the only person, not to mention the only Panamanian, in the history of The MLB to hit a home run and a walk-off, 48.5-foot single at 1:47 a.m. in the same World Series game! ////// Three swings of the bats tonight (Ruiz 3-run HR, Howard 2-run 2B, Ibanez 3-run HR) helped the Fightin's offset L.A.'s 14 swings of the bat which produced 14 basehits, notwithstanding ex-Phillie Jim Thome's 0-0. ///// Ah, yes ... any Phillie playoff win is swell, but it's sweeter when it happens vs. L.A. and then prompts Johnny A. to open his Cali-to-Mid-Atlantic Corridor phoner w/: "Thank you, God." -- after all, JayAy is the guy who was there for 9 In The 9th back in '90, not to mention the fact that, under the heading of "religious affiliation" on his Facebook pg., it reads: "anti-Dodger." ////// Is that hate-speech? ///// We hope so ... //// Although none of us knows, though, why Thome's name was in the Disneyland Baseball Channel's quick-stat/recap for tonight's game. ////// THOME: 0-0 ///// It belonged there about as much as: HAPP 1/3 IP, 0 H, 0 ER, 0 SO ///// Frickin' amateurs ... //// There can be no argument, however: There was nuthin' amateurish, though, 'bout the professional manner in which Carlos Ruiz totally jerked that Curtain Koleslaw pitch to get the Phils off the deck. ///// He put a quality baseball swing on the pitched pelota and, yeah ... he crushed it. ///// As per the other two runs in the top of the 5th (5 In The 5th doesn't sound as nice as 9 In The 9th, but, the stakes were far greater, so it must be treated with greater reverence, so they say), perhaps the Philly Sixer (Howard) didn't rocket his 2-run 2B down the RF line, but he hit it sharply (and with proper placement). ///// Ibanez? Now, that was funny considering that Honeycutt had just pow-wowed with Sherrill and then, "bang!" .... first pitch, 3-run jack. ////// "Whujuh guys talk about in the huddle?" ////// Relievers named Sherrill ... crooked college football coaches named Sherrill ... ex-fiancees named Cheryl ... what purpose do they serve, anyway? ////// As long as we're nitpicking, Cole Hamels -- pitching in his first game since becoming a daddy (we've heard that his infant daughter's name is NOT Colbertina, which disappoints us tremendously) -- was kinda so-so. ////// It's difficult to assess his performance, since he was reasonably sharp (kinda/sorta) thru the first 4, but then, after sittin' thru 5 In The 5th, was a little shoddy, location-wise, in the bottom of the frame. ///// Ironically, the pitch which #99 Druggie Dreadlock cranked for his HR, well ... location-wise, that wasn't a terrible pitch. ////// Only Man-Ram's gonna handle that one. //// Which he did. //// Which means that maybe it was a shitty pitch, I dunno. ////// It was a bit of a tightrope walk out there tonight ... Madson had to work out of a scrape in the 8th ... and, in the 9th, Lidge woulda been ripe for an implosion if Blakebeard doesn't go 4-6-3 on that DP which Utley started in dandy fashion. ///// Think about it: Lidge facing 3-for-4 Loney w/ 2 on and 0 outs, hmmmmm ... ///// Some of us would rather not think about that -- but, rather why, during last year's NLCS, Blakebeard was wearing his beard and #30, but now he's wearing #23 (the number which GIDP rookie Blake DeWitt was wearing ... and WTF is up with Russell Nathan Coltrane Jeanson Martin wearing "J. MARTIN" above the 55 on the back of his L.A. shirt? ///// Is that how they do things in Ontario, Canada or Ontario, Calif.? /////// Not our concern, probably ...
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Who's Afraid of Curtain Koleslaw?
Not the Fightin's, that's for goddamn sure.
Those "Baseball Tonight" eggheads spent today tryin' to convince America that Dodger southpaw Curtain Coleslaw or Kerton Clayshaw (or whatever the frick his name is) might be something greater in Dodger lore than the Second Coming of Doug Rau.
When it's Show Buckwalter or Tony Perez's mushmouth kid talkin' 'bout the new pitching messiah (or Dave Winfield -- who's spent all season adding nuthin' other than super-obvious observations ... or Reformed Sex Addict STEVE PHILLIPS), we see their lips moving, but all we hear is:
"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, somma people out there in our nation that don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as South Africa and, uh, The Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe that they should, uh, our education OVER HERE in the U.S. should help the U.S. or, er, should help South Africa and should help The Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our [[[[ INAUDIBLE >>> ]]]] children ..."
As per Buster Olney, well ... he should know better.
Dude musta been under the influence of some powerful crystal meth which ESPN keeps on hand 'cuz he said something about how Curtain Koleslaw can carry a team on his back because quote-unquote "his stuff is electric."
It's difficult to see the logic in such a remark re: a pitcher who went 8-8 in 30 starts w/ 14 no-decisions, regardless of the fine, sub-3.00 ERA.
What's so electric about that?
How does that help South Africa and The Iraq everywhere such as?
In the ESPN paradigm, we're all better off when they ship in hockey expert Mary Belrose to offer his trademark cop-out of "(Team X) wanted it more."
When Mary Belrose is too busy waxing his mullet, Herb Kirkstreit is carted in for turbo-powered cliches, such as "on the offensive side of the ball" or "defensive side of the ball" ... or, if those fail, lettin' us know that (Player X) caught the ball at its highest point (meaning that Player X leaped 10 feet above the ground, extended his arms and caught the ball when it was 15-20 feet above the earth's surface).
To complete the circuit, Berman sez, "Thuh-Rayyyyyy-duzzzz!"
The thing is: Since Barry Melrose and Kirk Herbstreit and 77 percent of the "Baseball Tonight" crew are lazy pricks (you, too, jock-sniffin' Todd McShay), we need (topless) Miss Teen South Carolina more than ever to sort out this mess.
Seriously ... Buck Showfucker actually had the audacity to say "the Phillies have a good bench, blah blah blah ..." -- which, translated, means, "yes" ... Miss Teen South Carolina should be in the studio right now ... topless ... and tellin' us how the world works.
Listen up, Nathaniel ... the Phillies have knee-deep horrendousness on the bench, give or take a quality AB by Francisco or Dobbs twice a month.
Matt Stairs battin' .082 since July 1 does not constitute "a good bench" -- and god-only-knows what Bruntlett and Bako have up their sleeves if called on in a pinch.
Of all the lazy shitheads who didn't do their homework, it was actually Krukkie who told us that Ryan Howard batted only .107 vs. L.A. this season ... and then he told us why.
However, the ONLY reason why the Phils beat L.A. last year was because Derek Lowe could not protect 2-run leads in each of his two starts and Chad Billingsley's command was zilch in his two starts.
If anyone bothered to look at the stats (or, what the heck, actually watch the '08 NLCS), it WASN'T about the Dodgers being too reliant on Manny (Kemp and Loney each batted better than .300 in the series).
And, the Phillies winning a series IS NOT contingent on Rollins and Victorino getting on base and creating havoc (as proved by J-Rol and the Flyin' Hawaiian batting a combined .180 -- 7 for 39 -- in last year's NLCS).
Living in a world of hypothetical theoreticals and theoretical supposition is a lonely place to die -- particularly when we're on the brink of The Iraq everywhere such as.
As we've seen in the past -- and as we'll discover in the future -- Miss Teen South Carolina was incoherent ... but she'll prove to be 11 times more coherent than anybody on "Baseball Tonight."
b
Those "Baseball Tonight" eggheads spent today tryin' to convince America that Dodger southpaw Curtain Coleslaw or Kerton Clayshaw (or whatever the frick his name is) might be something greater in Dodger lore than the Second Coming of Doug Rau.
When it's Show Buckwalter or Tony Perez's mushmouth kid talkin' 'bout the new pitching messiah (or Dave Winfield -- who's spent all season adding nuthin' other than super-obvious observations ... or Reformed Sex Addict STEVE PHILLIPS), we see their lips moving, but all we hear is:
"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, somma people out there in our nation that don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as South Africa and, uh, The Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe that they should, uh, our education OVER HERE in the U.S. should help the U.S. or, er, should help South Africa and should help The Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our [[[[ INAUDIBLE >>> ]]]] children ..."
As per Buster Olney, well ... he should know better.
Dude musta been under the influence of some powerful crystal meth which ESPN keeps on hand 'cuz he said something about how Curtain Koleslaw can carry a team on his back because quote-unquote "his stuff is electric."
It's difficult to see the logic in such a remark re: a pitcher who went 8-8 in 30 starts w/ 14 no-decisions, regardless of the fine, sub-3.00 ERA.
What's so electric about that?
How does that help South Africa and The Iraq everywhere such as?
In the ESPN paradigm, we're all better off when they ship in hockey expert Mary Belrose to offer his trademark cop-out of "(Team X) wanted it more."
When Mary Belrose is too busy waxing his mullet, Herb Kirkstreit is carted in for turbo-powered cliches, such as "on the offensive side of the ball" or "defensive side of the ball" ... or, if those fail, lettin' us know that (Player X) caught the ball at its highest point (meaning that Player X leaped 10 feet above the ground, extended his arms and caught the ball when it was 15-20 feet above the earth's surface).
To complete the circuit, Berman sez, "Thuh-Rayyyyyy-duzzzz!"
The thing is: Since Barry Melrose and Kirk Herbstreit and 77 percent of the "Baseball Tonight" crew are lazy pricks (you, too, jock-sniffin' Todd McShay), we need (topless) Miss Teen South Carolina more than ever to sort out this mess.
Seriously ... Buck Showfucker actually had the audacity to say "the Phillies have a good bench, blah blah blah ..." -- which, translated, means, "yes" ... Miss Teen South Carolina should be in the studio right now ... topless ... and tellin' us how the world works.
Listen up, Nathaniel ... the Phillies have knee-deep horrendousness on the bench, give or take a quality AB by Francisco or Dobbs twice a month.
Matt Stairs battin' .082 since July 1 does not constitute "a good bench" -- and god-only-knows what Bruntlett and Bako have up their sleeves if called on in a pinch.
Of all the lazy shitheads who didn't do their homework, it was actually Krukkie who told us that Ryan Howard batted only .107 vs. L.A. this season ... and then he told us why.
However, the ONLY reason why the Phils beat L.A. last year was because Derek Lowe could not protect 2-run leads in each of his two starts and Chad Billingsley's command was zilch in his two starts.
If anyone bothered to look at the stats (or, what the heck, actually watch the '08 NLCS), it WASN'T about the Dodgers being too reliant on Manny (Kemp and Loney each batted better than .300 in the series).
And, the Phillies winning a series IS NOT contingent on Rollins and Victorino getting on base and creating havoc (as proved by J-Rol and the Flyin' Hawaiian batting a combined .180 -- 7 for 39 -- in last year's NLCS).
Living in a world of hypothetical theoreticals and theoretical supposition is a lonely place to die -- particularly when we're on the brink of The Iraq everywhere such as.
As we've seen in the past -- and as we'll discover in the future -- Miss Teen South Carolina was incoherent ... but she'll prove to be 11 times more coherent than anybody on "Baseball Tonight."
b
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Phillie NLDS Game 2 FAQs
The 76 extra fans which were shoehorned into The Cit today -- surpassing yesterday's stadium record of 46,452 -- should've chanted for a curtain call from all of their Phillie action heroes after Shane Victorino's soft liner landed softly in Clint Barmes' glove for the game's final out.
OH, YEAH? WHY'ZAT?
'Cuz unless the Fightin's earn a split in mile-high Colorado over the weekend, today was the final game at The Cit for 2009 (which isn't that bad, all things considered, given that the radiance of '08 will keep us warm for many winters to come, et cetera ... )
IS THE IMPLICATION HERE THAT PEDRO AND BLANTON MIGHT NOT GET IT DONE DURING THAT SNOWBALL FIGHT SAT./SUN IN DENVER -- AND, THUS, CLIFF LEE WON'T BE STARTING IN GAME 5 BEFORE A RECORD CROWD OF 45,600-PLUS AT THE CIT?
Yes ... that is the implication.
IS THAT BECAUSE SOMEBODY NAMED DEXTER FOWLER WAS A ONE-MAN WRECKING CREW TODAY?
Exactly. Dex had that sac bunt in the 1st which got somebody named Gonzalez to 3rd base for Helton's 27-foot, RBI tapper. Then, Dex broke everybody's hearts with that sac fly to LF before re-breaking everybody's heart with that sac fly to RF for the final Rocky run.
HOW MANY TIMES IN 12 YRS. DIDJA GO TO THE ROCKY RUN AT THE 175/DOBBIN ROAD JUNCTION BEFORE IT WENT OUTTA BUSINESS?
Three ... maybe four.
WHAT WENT WRONG THERE? THAT PLACE ALWAYS SEEMED TO BE DOING WELL.
Perhaps it was the Dept. of Health which had the final say.
SPEAKING OF 'WHAT WENT WRONG,' DIDN'T COLBERT'S BODY LANGUAGE SEEM ENTIRELY MESSED-UP TODAY?
It's been wrong ever since the day that GM Biology Major didn't pull the trigger on that "Hamels For Halladay" (straight-up!) deal on July 31. Colbert Hamels -- some of us call him "Colbert" (maybe as a tribute to the way that nobody ever called Colbert Dale "Toby" Harrah by his given first name) -- continued his usual '09 trend of looking "off-kilter," particularly when that Torrealba guy (the Mrs. mistakenly called him "Telemundo" yesterday ... not long after she asked, "Who names their kid 'Yorvit'?" -- to which the comeback was, "Who names their kid 'Spillborghs'?") ... wait ... where were we?
COLBERT VS. YORVIT ... OR HAMELS FOR HALLADAY, STRAIGHT UP. WAIT A SECOND ... THE JAYS NEVER WOULDA BIT ON THAT DEAL, WOULD THEY HAVE?
Sure they would've. Initially, we read all about how the Jays might deal Halladay, if the Phils put together a package of Happ, Drabek and/or prized outfield prospects Michael Taylor and/or Dominic Brown. After GM Biology Major shipped pitchers Carlos Carrasco and Jason Knapp, shortstop Jason David and catcher Lou Marson to Cleveland for Cliff Lee and Ben Francisco, he still had ammo to get Halladay.
WHO EXACTLY?
Hamels ... "the established star" (wink, wink). For those of us who KNEW that Hamels would go from 7-5 at the trade deadline to 3-6 during his final 12 regular-season starts, this was a sucker deal. GM Biology Major could've held onto the youngsters and dumped the P who has years n' years ahead of 12-10, 11-11, 13-12, 12-12, 11-12, 12-12, 13-11, and acquired Halladay, even if he has only five or six more 15-7 seasons left in the tank.
WHAT IF THE JAYS HAD BALKED AT THE "STRAIGHT-UP" PART?
No biggie ... toss in the proverbial "players to be named later" -- y'know, guys such as catcher Tuffy Gosewisch (.218 / 3 / 34 playin' for mgr. Razor Shines' Clearwater Threshers last season) or maybe even the newly-acquired Ben Francisco.
Don't get all whiny and pissy ... be creative ...
NOW COLBERT IS PHILLY'S PROBLEM FOR THE NEXT (x) YEARS. GOODY GUMDROPS (OR "FRICKIN'-A") ...
Halladay wouldn't have served up a big, ol' lollipop which Orbit Telemundo could jack into the LF seats.
Alas, we cannot lament about the pitchers we don't have ... but, we can make sure that Colbert never replaces Arnulfo "Nino" Espinosa's name as the No. 35 on the All-Time Phillies Roster which exists in here (pointing to head, where the brain dwells) and in here (pointing to chest, where the heart beats).
SHOULD WE BOTHER TO SPEND THE NEXT (x) YEARS WONDERING WHAT COLBERT'S PROBLEM IS (aside from the fact that baseballreference.com has his name as Cole Michael Hamels and not "Colbert")???
No need -- 'cuz, bascially, deep down, Colbert knows that none of us really has any faith in him. The guy was 0-2/8.38 in those final two regular-season starts before today (both at home ... vs. Hou. and Fla.). And, aside from the 3-0, CG masterpiece at L.A. and the 1-0 gem vs. Frisco, he's been a big pile of Not King Cole this season. In fact, most of what he did this year can best be categorized as either Ruffinish or Carmanesque.
AREN'T WE REQUIRED, BY LAW, TO CUT NOT-KING-COLE SOME SLACK BECAUSE OF LAST YEAR'S POSTSEASON AND BECAUSE HEIDI, AT ANY MOMENT NOW, WILL SQUEEZE OUT OF HER UTERUS A BABY WHO'LL RECEIVE A VERRRRRRY LAME-O NAME, SUCH AS 'MADISON' OR 'CASSIDY' OR 'CONNER' OR 'MADISON' OR 'COLBERTINA'?
Ethically ... "yes." Legally? "No fuckin' way."
The good neighbor policy applies only to State Farm.
"Get the fuckin' lead out, Ace!"
There's nuthin' in the rules about some sort of 3-yr. grace period for postseason glory. And, as per expectant fathers, Cholly shoulda pulled the kid aside and told him that the cut-off date for banging is Dec. 31, so as to avoid Oct. "due dates." Seriously ... that's piss-poor planning.
Also ... if Hammels For Halladay had happened, the Phils would have only Heidi Dobbs as a Phillie Wife Named Heidi ... which is OK, 'cuz she's miles better lookin' than the Heidi who should be giving birth at a Toronto hospital at any time now (if she's not on a Waiting Room waiting list ... it's Canada, don'tcha know ... ).
WHAT WAS THE BIG YOKEL'S BIG IDEA, TROTTING OUT EVERYBODY ON THE PITCHING STAFF -- AND NOT TROTTING CLAY CONDREY OUT THERE TO OFFER HIS UNIQUE CONDREYISTIC BRILLIANCE TO THE FRAY?
That was weird ... kinda like an open tryout out there.
"Here, Joe Blanton ... get yer ass out there. Here, Brett Myers, give 'er a whirl!"
The Blanton Bullpen Experiment (one relief appearance -- w/ the A's -- since his rookie season of '04) looked kinda shaky ... and Myers has looked wobbly ever since he had that one horrific outing vs. the Mets on that FOX Saturday game. Condrey, on the other hand (after missing almost 2 full mos. on the DL), pitched very well in his 9 apps. during the Phils' final 16 gms. (a whopping 5 IP, but 0 ER). The "Manuel Mix N' Match Program" looks real hodge-podge at best ... particularly when Myers got yanked for Antonio Bastardo, the rookie who'd pitched one inning since his five interesting starts in June (2-3/6.75).
THAT WAS INSANE. CHOLLY YANKED A VETERAN (MYERS) TO INSERT A ROOKIE FOR HIS LEFTY-VS.-LEFTY MATCHUP (SINCE HE'D ALREADY USED HAPP AND EYRE). EXPLAIN THAT.
Ya can't. But, son of a bitch ... The Big Bastard vs. The Giambino worked out in the Phils' favour when an un-HGH'ed Giambino whiffed.
IN RETROSPECT, MAYBE WE SHOULD BE THANKFUL THAT VICTORINO'S SOFT LINER LANDED GENTLY IN BARMES' GLOVE BECAUSE IF THE BALL HAD ELUDED BARMES, THERE'D'VE BEEN A PLAY AT THE PLATE -- AND PINCH-RUNNER CLIFF LEE MIGHT'VE GOTTEN RACKED UP.
Deploying Cliff Lee as a pinch-runner ... another prime example of how ineffective the Phillies' bench has been all year. Matt Stairs has been USELESS, but he -- like Cole Hamels and Brad Lidge -- are ridin' high on the fumes of 2008.
STAIRS' NUMBERS THIS YEAR WERE GRUESOME -- BUT, YOU'LL STILL FIND IDIOTS HOLDING UP DORKY, HANDMADE SIGNS WHICH READ: "In Case Of Emergency, Use Stairs."
Apparently, we're supposed to have a parade down Main Street every day for Matt Stairs just because of that one swing at Dodger Stadium on that GROOVED fastball from Broxton. FYI: Since July 1, Stairs batted .082 -- and he went ohhh-for-30 from the time he hit that homer in the wild win over the Pirates 'til his grand slam vs. the Nats. And, he got to bat cleanup on Fan Appreciation Day, going 0x4 w/ 3 Ks.
HOPEFULLY, HE'LL BE BACK NEXT YEAR TO PROVIDE VITAL "LEADERSHIP."
And to allow pitchers to "get involved" with pinch-running assignments. You'd think that if we're not going to see Clay Condrey in middle relief, we'd at least get to see him try to score from second on a soft single to RF.
On second thought, save the $$$ -- and when it's time for a pinch-hitter, keep Stairs in the dugout wearing his short-sleeve batting shirt. Seriously, didja see the way that Cliff Lee has swung the bat since arriving in Philly?
There's some real raw talent there.
TODAY WAS A REAL SETBACK AFTER YESTERDAY'S CLIFF LEE MASTERPIECE, WASN'T IT?.
It definitely woulda looked nicer with a Halladay W and a 2-0 series lead heading West.
ON TOP OF THAT, WE PROBABLY WON'T AGAIN SEE RYAN HOWARD WEARING THOSE FUNKY ADIDAS SHOES HE WAS WEARING THE PAST TWO DAYS W/ THE PHILLIE RETRO ATTIRE WHICH THEY WEAR FOR DAY GAMES.
Right now, let's just wait n' see what the team can do in sno-cone conditions ... and if Ryan Howard will be wearing any style of cleat after this weekend ...
b
OH, YEAH? WHY'ZAT?
'Cuz unless the Fightin's earn a split in mile-high Colorado over the weekend, today was the final game at The Cit for 2009 (which isn't that bad, all things considered, given that the radiance of '08 will keep us warm for many winters to come, et cetera ... )
IS THE IMPLICATION HERE THAT PEDRO AND BLANTON MIGHT NOT GET IT DONE DURING THAT SNOWBALL FIGHT SAT./SUN IN DENVER -- AND, THUS, CLIFF LEE WON'T BE STARTING IN GAME 5 BEFORE A RECORD CROWD OF 45,600-PLUS AT THE CIT?
Yes ... that is the implication.
IS THAT BECAUSE SOMEBODY NAMED DEXTER FOWLER WAS A ONE-MAN WRECKING CREW TODAY?
Exactly. Dex had that sac bunt in the 1st which got somebody named Gonzalez to 3rd base for Helton's 27-foot, RBI tapper. Then, Dex broke everybody's hearts with that sac fly to LF before re-breaking everybody's heart with that sac fly to RF for the final Rocky run.
HOW MANY TIMES IN 12 YRS. DIDJA GO TO THE ROCKY RUN AT THE 175/DOBBIN ROAD JUNCTION BEFORE IT WENT OUTTA BUSINESS?
Three ... maybe four.
WHAT WENT WRONG THERE? THAT PLACE ALWAYS SEEMED TO BE DOING WELL.
Perhaps it was the Dept. of Health which had the final say.
SPEAKING OF 'WHAT WENT WRONG,' DIDN'T COLBERT'S BODY LANGUAGE SEEM ENTIRELY MESSED-UP TODAY?
It's been wrong ever since the day that GM Biology Major didn't pull the trigger on that "Hamels For Halladay" (straight-up!) deal on July 31. Colbert Hamels -- some of us call him "Colbert" (maybe as a tribute to the way that nobody ever called Colbert Dale "Toby" Harrah by his given first name) -- continued his usual '09 trend of looking "off-kilter," particularly when that Torrealba guy (the Mrs. mistakenly called him "Telemundo" yesterday ... not long after she asked, "Who names their kid 'Yorvit'?" -- to which the comeback was, "Who names their kid 'Spillborghs'?") ... wait ... where were we?
COLBERT VS. YORVIT ... OR HAMELS FOR HALLADAY, STRAIGHT UP. WAIT A SECOND ... THE JAYS NEVER WOULDA BIT ON THAT DEAL, WOULD THEY HAVE?
Sure they would've. Initially, we read all about how the Jays might deal Halladay, if the Phils put together a package of Happ, Drabek and/or prized outfield prospects Michael Taylor and/or Dominic Brown. After GM Biology Major shipped pitchers Carlos Carrasco and Jason Knapp, shortstop Jason David and catcher Lou Marson to Cleveland for Cliff Lee and Ben Francisco, he still had ammo to get Halladay.
WHO EXACTLY?
Hamels ... "the established star" (wink, wink). For those of us who KNEW that Hamels would go from 7-5 at the trade deadline to 3-6 during his final 12 regular-season starts, this was a sucker deal. GM Biology Major could've held onto the youngsters and dumped the P who has years n' years ahead of 12-10, 11-11, 13-12, 12-12, 11-12, 12-12, 13-11, and acquired Halladay, even if he has only five or six more 15-7 seasons left in the tank.
WHAT IF THE JAYS HAD BALKED AT THE "STRAIGHT-UP" PART?
No biggie ... toss in the proverbial "players to be named later" -- y'know, guys such as catcher Tuffy Gosewisch (.218 / 3 / 34 playin' for mgr. Razor Shines' Clearwater Threshers last season) or maybe even the newly-acquired Ben Francisco.
Don't get all whiny and pissy ... be creative ...
NOW COLBERT IS PHILLY'S PROBLEM FOR THE NEXT (x) YEARS. GOODY GUMDROPS (OR "FRICKIN'-A") ...
Halladay wouldn't have served up a big, ol' lollipop which Orbit Telemundo could jack into the LF seats.
Alas, we cannot lament about the pitchers we don't have ... but, we can make sure that Colbert never replaces Arnulfo "Nino" Espinosa's name as the No. 35 on the All-Time Phillies Roster which exists in here (pointing to head, where the brain dwells) and in here (pointing to chest, where the heart beats).
SHOULD WE BOTHER TO SPEND THE NEXT (x) YEARS WONDERING WHAT COLBERT'S PROBLEM IS (aside from the fact that baseballreference.com has his name as Cole Michael Hamels and not "Colbert")???
No need -- 'cuz, bascially, deep down, Colbert knows that none of us really has any faith in him. The guy was 0-2/8.38 in those final two regular-season starts before today (both at home ... vs. Hou. and Fla.). And, aside from the 3-0, CG masterpiece at L.A. and the 1-0 gem vs. Frisco, he's been a big pile of Not King Cole this season. In fact, most of what he did this year can best be categorized as either Ruffinish or Carmanesque.
AREN'T WE REQUIRED, BY LAW, TO CUT NOT-KING-COLE SOME SLACK BECAUSE OF LAST YEAR'S POSTSEASON AND BECAUSE HEIDI, AT ANY MOMENT NOW, WILL SQUEEZE OUT OF HER UTERUS A BABY WHO'LL RECEIVE A VERRRRRRY LAME-O NAME, SUCH AS 'MADISON' OR 'CASSIDY' OR 'CONNER' OR 'MADISON' OR 'COLBERTINA'?
Ethically ... "yes." Legally? "No fuckin' way."
The good neighbor policy applies only to State Farm.
"Get the fuckin' lead out, Ace!"
There's nuthin' in the rules about some sort of 3-yr. grace period for postseason glory. And, as per expectant fathers, Cholly shoulda pulled the kid aside and told him that the cut-off date for banging is Dec. 31, so as to avoid Oct. "due dates." Seriously ... that's piss-poor planning.
Also ... if Hammels For Halladay had happened, the Phils would have only Heidi Dobbs as a Phillie Wife Named Heidi ... which is OK, 'cuz she's miles better lookin' than the Heidi who should be giving birth at a Toronto hospital at any time now (if she's not on a Waiting Room waiting list ... it's Canada, don'tcha know ... ).
WHAT WAS THE BIG YOKEL'S BIG IDEA, TROTTING OUT EVERYBODY ON THE PITCHING STAFF -- AND NOT TROTTING CLAY CONDREY OUT THERE TO OFFER HIS UNIQUE CONDREYISTIC BRILLIANCE TO THE FRAY?
That was weird ... kinda like an open tryout out there.
"Here, Joe Blanton ... get yer ass out there. Here, Brett Myers, give 'er a whirl!"
The Blanton Bullpen Experiment (one relief appearance -- w/ the A's -- since his rookie season of '04) looked kinda shaky ... and Myers has looked wobbly ever since he had that one horrific outing vs. the Mets on that FOX Saturday game. Condrey, on the other hand (after missing almost 2 full mos. on the DL), pitched very well in his 9 apps. during the Phils' final 16 gms. (a whopping 5 IP, but 0 ER). The "Manuel Mix N' Match Program" looks real hodge-podge at best ... particularly when Myers got yanked for Antonio Bastardo, the rookie who'd pitched one inning since his five interesting starts in June (2-3/6.75).
THAT WAS INSANE. CHOLLY YANKED A VETERAN (MYERS) TO INSERT A ROOKIE FOR HIS LEFTY-VS.-LEFTY MATCHUP (SINCE HE'D ALREADY USED HAPP AND EYRE). EXPLAIN THAT.
Ya can't. But, son of a bitch ... The Big Bastard vs. The Giambino worked out in the Phils' favour when an un-HGH'ed Giambino whiffed.
IN RETROSPECT, MAYBE WE SHOULD BE THANKFUL THAT VICTORINO'S SOFT LINER LANDED GENTLY IN BARMES' GLOVE BECAUSE IF THE BALL HAD ELUDED BARMES, THERE'D'VE BEEN A PLAY AT THE PLATE -- AND PINCH-RUNNER CLIFF LEE MIGHT'VE GOTTEN RACKED UP.
Deploying Cliff Lee as a pinch-runner ... another prime example of how ineffective the Phillies' bench has been all year. Matt Stairs has been USELESS, but he -- like Cole Hamels and Brad Lidge -- are ridin' high on the fumes of 2008.
STAIRS' NUMBERS THIS YEAR WERE GRUESOME -- BUT, YOU'LL STILL FIND IDIOTS HOLDING UP DORKY, HANDMADE SIGNS WHICH READ: "In Case Of Emergency, Use Stairs."
Apparently, we're supposed to have a parade down Main Street every day for Matt Stairs just because of that one swing at Dodger Stadium on that GROOVED fastball from Broxton. FYI: Since July 1, Stairs batted .082 -- and he went ohhh-for-30 from the time he hit that homer in the wild win over the Pirates 'til his grand slam vs. the Nats. And, he got to bat cleanup on Fan Appreciation Day, going 0x4 w/ 3 Ks.
HOPEFULLY, HE'LL BE BACK NEXT YEAR TO PROVIDE VITAL "LEADERSHIP."
And to allow pitchers to "get involved" with pinch-running assignments. You'd think that if we're not going to see Clay Condrey in middle relief, we'd at least get to see him try to score from second on a soft single to RF.
On second thought, save the $$$ -- and when it's time for a pinch-hitter, keep Stairs in the dugout wearing his short-sleeve batting shirt. Seriously, didja see the way that Cliff Lee has swung the bat since arriving in Philly?
There's some real raw talent there.
TODAY WAS A REAL SETBACK AFTER YESTERDAY'S CLIFF LEE MASTERPIECE, WASN'T IT?.
It definitely woulda looked nicer with a Halladay W and a 2-0 series lead heading West.
ON TOP OF THAT, WE PROBABLY WON'T AGAIN SEE RYAN HOWARD WEARING THOSE FUNKY ADIDAS SHOES HE WAS WEARING THE PAST TWO DAYS W/ THE PHILLIE RETRO ATTIRE WHICH THEY WEAR FOR DAY GAMES.
Right now, let's just wait n' see what the team can do in sno-cone conditions ... and if Ryan Howard will be wearing any style of cleat after this weekend ...
b
Thursday, September 10, 2009
SteelTown Justice Served in NFL Opener & Gala)
666 666 666 6666 6666 ==== ===== SINCE THE NFL GAME DIDN'T KICK OFF UNTIL 8:30, SHOULDN'T WE DISCUSS HOW AMERICA SAW SOME HISTORY MADE DURING THE Coll.FB APPETIZER OVER ON THE DISNEYLAND FOOTBALL CHANNEL?
Definitely ... although America probably hasn't stopped buzzing about how, on Mon. nite, it was the Miami PK in shiny green cleats vs. the FSU PK wearing gold slippers and then -- tonite! -- we witnessed another Football First when we noticed that G-Tech QB Jonathan Nesbitt was wearing a Plexiglas shield on his facemask and so was Clemson QB Kyle Parker.
THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE, HAS IT?
"QB shield vs. QB shield"?
It's never happened on the college level ... and certainly not in prime time. The only other time it MIGHT have occurred was back in the early '90s when Dan McGwire of the Seahawks might've played against Jim McMahon of the Eagles. What wouldss dddkkskk kkdkdks QB shield vs. QB shield.
Turns out that the TWO in 32 looked like (below, L) rather than the (below, R), which is the kind that we practiced drawing in math class (or social studies) when we weren't staring over at Lisa (or Renee).
. . . . 22222 . . . . . . . . . . . . 222222
. . . 2222222 . . . . . . . . . .222222222
. . 222 . .. 222 . . . . . . . 222 . . . . 2222
. . 222 . . . 222 . . . . . . .222 . . . . 2222
. . . . . . . 222 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2222
. . . . . .. 222 . . . . . . . . . . .222222222
. . . . .. 222 . . . . . . . . . . .22222222
. . . . 222 . . . . . . . . . . 222 . . . . . . . . .
. . 2222 . . . .22 . . . . . 222 . . . . . .222
.. 2222 . . . .22 . . . . . . 222 . . . . . .222
.. 22222222222 . . . . .. 2222222222222
. 22222222222 . . . . . . 2222222222222
It was so embarrassing . /e//eee
eewewww
Definitely ... although America probably hasn't stopped buzzing about how, on Mon. nite, it was the Miami PK in shiny green cleats vs. the FSU PK wearing gold slippers and then -- tonite! -- we witnessed another Football First when we noticed that G-Tech QB Jonathan Nesbitt was wearing a Plexiglas shield on his facemask and so was Clemson QB Kyle Parker.
THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE, HAS IT?
"QB shield vs. QB shield"?
It's never happened on the college level ... and certainly not in prime time. The only other time it MIGHT have occurred was back in the early '90s when Dan McGwire of the Seahawks might've played against Jim McMahon of the Eagles. What wouldss dddkkskk kkdkdks QB shield vs. QB shield.
Turns out that the TWO in 32 looked like (below, L) rather than the (below, R), which is the kind that we practiced drawing in math class (or social studies) when we weren't staring over at Lisa (or Renee).
. . . . 22222 . . . . . . . . . . . . 222222
. . . 2222222 . . . . . . . . . .222222222
. . 222 . .. 222 . . . . . . . 222 . . . . 2222
. . 222 . . . 222 . . . . . . .222 . . . . 2222
. . . . . . . 222 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2222
. . . . . .. 222 . . . . . . . . . . .222222222
. . . . .. 222 . . . . . . . . . . .22222222
. . . . 222 . . . . . . . . . . 222 . . . . . . . . .
. . 2222 . . . .22 . . . . . 222 . . . . . .222
.. 2222 . . . .22 . . . . . . 222 . . . . . .222
.. 22222222222 . . . . .. 2222222222222
. 22222222222 . . . . . . 2222222222222
It was so embarrassing . /e//eee
eewewww
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Fightin's Victimize Some Guy Named "Clipboard"
Thanks to Werth and Feliz goin' back-to-back to open the 8th (snapping the 4-4 tie) -- and with another shaky bullpen episode -- the Phils, once again, held on for a narrow victory over The MLB's Class-AAA affiliate on the bank of the Anacostia River.
For those of us who followed the action on-line, then watched the ballgame later on "Nats Encore" on Comcast, the synapses are firing.
GODDAMN, DID WERTH FRICKIN' CRUSH THAT BALL TO DEAD CENTER OR WHAT?
No doubt ... THAT was a fuckin' warhead. It achieved "Mammoth Blast Status."
STILL, WHAT IS IT ABOUT WERTH'S SWING WHICH PUZZLES US SO?
Mechanically, it's a mess. He looks like he's using a shovel to hit a two-handed tennis backhand.
REMEMBER HOW WE DOGGED BURRELL FOR ALL THOSE YEARS ... HOW HE HAD THAT EXAGGERATED, ONE-HANDED "OLE!" FINISH?
Exactly. When Werth follows through, he looks as tangled up as Bake McBride or Von Hayes did when they swung and missed. Burrell was a little different since he had a hitting-area red zone which was the size of a postage stamp. Which is why he was/is a .255-or-whatever career hitter. Werth, like Burrell, is patient (JW, we think, still leads The MLB in "pitches per AB"), so he will wait on a pitch to crush (which he oftentimes gets). Since he doesn't have a quick bat, he's not going to foul off many 2-strike pitches. But, if he's up 2-0 or 3-1 in the count ... look out.
SO, IS HE BETTER THAN PAT THE BUNNY?
God, yes. He's fleet, he's a nifty fielder, it doesn't require consecutive ground-rule doubles to score him from third ... He might not average upper-20 HRs for the next 7 seasons, but he's more werth-while than Burrell ever was.
WASN'T IT SAD THAT A PITCHER NAMED "CLIPBOARD" WAS VICTIMIZED SO THOROUGHLY, ESPECIALLY BY FELIZ?
Not at all. Clipboard's just another juco pitcher tryin' to survive on The MLB level.
DIBBLE SPENT A LOT OF TIME WASTING HIS BREATH ON PITCHING STRATEGIES DURING THE FIRST THREE INNINGS AS THE PHILS WERE PECKING GARRETT MOCK (WHOEVER HE IS) TO DEATH.
Baseball is overwrought by that nowadays -- ex-players, ex-GMs w/ sex addictions, etc. trapped between the gravitational pull of the planets Theoretica and Hypothetica. A douche such as Dibble kills viewers brain cells by reciting the do's and don'ts of some antiquated pitching guidelines.
SO, THE "DO THIS, DON'T DO THAT" GUIDELINES ARE NOT THE PROPER METHOD?
Not when ya ain't got no stuff. Look ... the mental approach can be massaged to death in a rules-n'-regulations paradigm. "Get yer breaking ball over to set up the fastball ... " "Work up and down and in n' out ... " "Get ahead of the hitters ... " "Throw yer fastball for strikes to set-up the off-speed stuff ..." IT'S ALL GARBAGE. Guys like Garrett Mock and Tyler Clipboard will always have ERAs in the 5.00 and 6.00 range because they have one good fastball out of every 7 thrown (by "good" we mean "movement ... late action ... tailing ... always tailing ... "). Preaching "The Rules of Pitching" to these guys is like handing the baseball to your niece and saying, "Heather (unless her name is Caitlin) trust yer stuff and get this guy out, OK?"
THEN, WHAT WE'RE SAYING HERE IS THAT GARRETT MOCK AND THAT CLIPBOARD GUY ARE NO BETTER THAN A NIECE NAMED HEATHER OR POSSIBLY CAITLIN?
Precisely. Every time those P's retire a batter, the Nats should throw a frickin' parade down Main Street. The raw talent simply isn't there. It isn't for a lot of pitchers. Lookit Brad Penny.
YEAH, WHAT WAS UP WITH THAT GUY SPENDING AUGUST TOSSIN' SLOP TOWARD THE PLATE FOR THE BOSOX ... THEN HE GOES TO THE GIANTS, COMES INTO PHILLY AND THROWS 8 SHUTOUT INNINGS LAST WEEK?
Well, he is a former All-Star ... but, the only thing that the initials "B.P." stood for in Boston, was the in-game "batting practice" that Penny was pitchin'. He, obviously, relocated "his stuff" and, apparently, his confidence (or some floor wax to huff before the game).
ISN'T THAT AN OVERSIMPLIFICATION?
It certainly is, Stanley. But, Dibble's just as dismissive when he's tellin' us that the correct mental approach makes pitching pretty easy. The complex nature of mental makeup and physical tools is why guys who clock 100 MPH and guys who drive a truck for a living have exactly the same number of "quality starts" -- zero.
b
For those of us who followed the action on-line, then watched the ballgame later on "Nats Encore" on Comcast, the synapses are firing.
GODDAMN, DID WERTH FRICKIN' CRUSH THAT BALL TO DEAD CENTER OR WHAT?
No doubt ... THAT was a fuckin' warhead. It achieved "Mammoth Blast Status."
STILL, WHAT IS IT ABOUT WERTH'S SWING WHICH PUZZLES US SO?
Mechanically, it's a mess. He looks like he's using a shovel to hit a two-handed tennis backhand.
REMEMBER HOW WE DOGGED BURRELL FOR ALL THOSE YEARS ... HOW HE HAD THAT EXAGGERATED, ONE-HANDED "OLE!" FINISH?
Exactly. When Werth follows through, he looks as tangled up as Bake McBride or Von Hayes did when they swung and missed. Burrell was a little different since he had a hitting-area red zone which was the size of a postage stamp. Which is why he was/is a .255-or-whatever career hitter. Werth, like Burrell, is patient (JW, we think, still leads The MLB in "pitches per AB"), so he will wait on a pitch to crush (which he oftentimes gets). Since he doesn't have a quick bat, he's not going to foul off many 2-strike pitches. But, if he's up 2-0 or 3-1 in the count ... look out.
SO, IS HE BETTER THAN PAT THE BUNNY?
God, yes. He's fleet, he's a nifty fielder, it doesn't require consecutive ground-rule doubles to score him from third ... He might not average upper-20 HRs for the next 7 seasons, but he's more werth-while than Burrell ever was.
WASN'T IT SAD THAT A PITCHER NAMED "CLIPBOARD" WAS VICTIMIZED SO THOROUGHLY, ESPECIALLY BY FELIZ?
Not at all. Clipboard's just another juco pitcher tryin' to survive on The MLB level.
DIBBLE SPENT A LOT OF TIME WASTING HIS BREATH ON PITCHING STRATEGIES DURING THE FIRST THREE INNINGS AS THE PHILS WERE PECKING GARRETT MOCK (WHOEVER HE IS) TO DEATH.
Baseball is overwrought by that nowadays -- ex-players, ex-GMs w/ sex addictions, etc. trapped between the gravitational pull of the planets Theoretica and Hypothetica. A douche such as Dibble kills viewers brain cells by reciting the do's and don'ts of some antiquated pitching guidelines.
SO, THE "DO THIS, DON'T DO THAT" GUIDELINES ARE NOT THE PROPER METHOD?
Not when ya ain't got no stuff. Look ... the mental approach can be massaged to death in a rules-n'-regulations paradigm. "Get yer breaking ball over to set up the fastball ... " "Work up and down and in n' out ... " "Get ahead of the hitters ... " "Throw yer fastball for strikes to set-up the off-speed stuff ..." IT'S ALL GARBAGE. Guys like Garrett Mock and Tyler Clipboard will always have ERAs in the 5.00 and 6.00 range because they have one good fastball out of every 7 thrown (by "good" we mean "movement ... late action ... tailing ... always tailing ... "). Preaching "The Rules of Pitching" to these guys is like handing the baseball to your niece and saying, "Heather (unless her name is Caitlin) trust yer stuff and get this guy out, OK?"
THEN, WHAT WE'RE SAYING HERE IS THAT GARRETT MOCK AND THAT CLIPBOARD GUY ARE NO BETTER THAN A NIECE NAMED HEATHER OR POSSIBLY CAITLIN?
Precisely. Every time those P's retire a batter, the Nats should throw a frickin' parade down Main Street. The raw talent simply isn't there. It isn't for a lot of pitchers. Lookit Brad Penny.
YEAH, WHAT WAS UP WITH THAT GUY SPENDING AUGUST TOSSIN' SLOP TOWARD THE PLATE FOR THE BOSOX ... THEN HE GOES TO THE GIANTS, COMES INTO PHILLY AND THROWS 8 SHUTOUT INNINGS LAST WEEK?
Well, he is a former All-Star ... but, the only thing that the initials "B.P." stood for in Boston, was the in-game "batting practice" that Penny was pitchin'. He, obviously, relocated "his stuff" and, apparently, his confidence (or some floor wax to huff before the game).
ISN'T THAT AN OVERSIMPLIFICATION?
It certainly is, Stanley. But, Dibble's just as dismissive when he's tellin' us that the correct mental approach makes pitching pretty easy. The complex nature of mental makeup and physical tools is why guys who clock 100 MPH and guys who drive a truck for a living have exactly the same number of "quality starts" -- zero.
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