Who's Afraid of Curtain Koleslaw?

Not the Fightin's, that's for goddamn sure.

Those "Baseball Tonight" eggheads spent today tryin' to convince America that Dodger southpaw Curtain Coleslaw or Kerton Clayshaw (or whatever the frick his name is) might be something greater in Dodger lore than the Second Coming of Doug Rau.

When it's Show Buckwalter or Tony Perez's mushmouth kid talkin' 'bout the new pitching messiah (or Dave Winfield -- who's spent all season adding nuthin' other than super-obvious observations ... or Reformed Sex Addict STEVE PHILLIPS), we see their lips moving, but all we hear is:

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, somma people out there in our nation that don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as South Africa and, uh, The Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe that they should, uh, our education OVER HERE in the U.S. should help the U.S. or, er, should help South Africa and should help The Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our [[[[ INAUDIBLE >>> ]]]] children ..."

As per Buster Olney, well ... he should know better.

Dude musta been under the influence of some powerful crystal meth which ESPN keeps on hand 'cuz he said something about how Curtain Koleslaw can carry a team on his back because quote-unquote "his stuff is electric."

It's difficult to see the logic in such a remark re: a pitcher who went 8-8 in 30 starts w/ 14 no-decisions, regardless of the fine, sub-3.00 ERA.

What's so electric about that?

How does that help South Africa and The Iraq everywhere such as?

In the ESPN paradigm, we're all better off when they ship in hockey expert Mary Belrose to offer his trademark cop-out of "(Team X) wanted it more."

When Mary Belrose is too busy waxing his mullet, Herb Kirkstreit is carted in for turbo-powered cliches, such as "on the offensive side of the ball" or "defensive side of the ball" ... or, if those fail, lettin' us know that (Player X) caught the ball at its highest point (meaning that Player X leaped 10 feet above the ground, extended his arms and caught the ball when it was 15-20 feet above the earth's surface).

To complete the circuit, Berman sez, "Thuh-Rayyyyyy-duzzzz!"

The thing is: Since Barry Melrose and Kirk Herbstreit and 77 percent of the "Baseball Tonight" crew are lazy pricks (you, too, jock-sniffin' Todd McShay), we need (topless) Miss Teen South Carolina more than ever to sort out this mess.

Seriously ... Buck Showfucker actually had the audacity to say "the Phillies have a good bench, blah blah blah ..." -- which, translated, means, "yes" ... Miss Teen South Carolina should be in the studio right now ... topless ... and tellin' us how the world works.

Listen up, Nathaniel ... the Phillies have knee-deep horrendousness on the bench, give or take a quality AB by Francisco or Dobbs twice a month.

Matt Stairs battin' .082 since July 1 does not constitute "a good bench" -- and god-only-knows what Bruntlett and Bako have up their sleeves if called on in a pinch.

Of all the lazy shitheads who didn't do their homework, it was actually Krukkie who told us that Ryan Howard batted only .107 vs. L.A. this season ... and then he told us why.

However, the ONLY reason why the Phils beat L.A. last year was because Derek Lowe could not protect 2-run leads in each of his two starts and Chad Billingsley's command was zilch in his two starts.

If anyone bothered to look at the stats (or, what the heck, actually watch the '08 NLCS), it WASN'T about the Dodgers being too reliant on Manny (Kemp and Loney each batted better than .300 in the series).

And, the Phillies winning a series IS NOT contingent on Rollins and Victorino getting on base and creating havoc (as proved by J-Rol and the Flyin' Hawaiian batting a combined .180 -- 7 for 39 -- in last year's NLCS).

Living in a world of hypothetical theoreticals and theoretical supposition is a lonely place to die -- particularly when we're on the brink of The Iraq everywhere such as.

As we've seen in the past -- and as we'll discover in the future -- Miss Teen South Carolina was incoherent ... but she'll prove to be 11 times more coherent than anybody on "Baseball Tonight."

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