PHILLIES: Neutralizing The Guns of Brixton

"When they kick at your front door
How you gonna come?
With your hands on your head
Or on the trigger of your gun
When the law break in
How you gonna go?
Shot down on the pavement
Or waiting in Death Row
You can crush us
You can bruise us
But you'll have to answer to
Ohhh-ho, the Guns of Brixton ... "

What a blockbuster night this was ... on the Monday following last Monday's "wrecking of Rocktober," the Fightin's dialed up some more magic -- and now the questions are rollin' in like a Rollins shot to the gap ...

WHILE SOME OF US HAVE BEEN SINGING "GUNS OF BRIXTON" EVER SINCE CHUCK AND I WERE THE FIRST GUYS (PROBABLY) AT T.O.H.S. TO BUY THAT LP WAY BACK DURING THE FIRST YEAR THAT THE PHILLIES WON THEIR FIRST WORLD SERIES, WE HAVE WONDERED ALOUD "GUNS OF BRIXTON" EDGES OUT (OR NOT) "BRAND NEW CADILLAC," "HATEFUL," "CLAMPDOWN," AND/OR "DEATH AND GLORY" AS THE BEST CUTS ON THAT DOUBLE-LP.
That is wayyyy toooo close to call! They are all like Pall Malls or Double-Doubles from In-N-Out ... an unforgettable trip to Flavour Country.

NOW THAT WE EXAMINE IT CLOSER, AREN'T WE ACTUALLY USING "GUNS OF BRIXTON" HERE MERELY AS A PLAY ON WORDS FOR DODGER CLOSER JONATHAN BROXTON AND HIS DEMISE TONIGHT AT THE HANDS OF THE FIGHTIN' PHILS?
Maybe, maybe not ... and, as such, we might be smarter to fire up "The Eton Rifles" and muscially remark: "Thought you were clever when you lit the fuse / Tore down the House of Commons in your brand new shoes / Composed the revolutionary symphony / Then went to bed with a charming young thing / Hello, hurray ... cheers then, mate .... It's the Eton Rifles! Eton Rifles!"

SAY, THE LAST TIME WE SAW CHUCK, DIDN'T WE DROP HIM OFF IN EXTON AFTER WE TOOK HIM PAST THE VET A FEW WEEKS AFTER THE FINAL GAME THERE AND BEFORE WE TOOK HIM TO PAT'S KING OF STEAKS WHERE HE FUMBLED HIS ORDER?
That was a good time ... only thing is, worse than Chuck not remembering what he was taught ("one, Wiz, without"), dude put ketchup on his cheesesteak.

SAY, ISN'T MATT RYAN FROM EXTON?
Apparently ...

IS THAT ANYWHERE NEAR BRIXTON OR ETON?
Maybe ... maybe not ...

BACK TO THAT GUY WHO'S NOT FROM BRIXTON OR FROM EXTON ... WHY DOES baseballreference.com LIST BROXTON AS 6-4/240 WHILE EVERYBODY ELSE HAS HIM AT 6-4/294?
Maybe he was eatin' a tossed green salad the day that he stepped on the scale for SABR.

IF HE TRULY IS THE 'GIGANTOR' OF RELIEF PITCHERS, THEN WHAT THE HELL WAS HE DOIN' NIBBLING WITH STAIRS AT THE PLATE? GIGANTOR SHOULDN'T "NIBBLE," SHOULD HE? SHOULDN'T GIGANTOR BE BREATHIN' FIRE AND KNOCKIN' OVER SKYSCRAPERS?
That was some of the most-moronic pitching that humankind has ever seen ... walking Stairs on 4 pitches. Who cares if the fireplug-sized former slugger took Broxton deep in Game 4 in L.A. last year -- that was LAST year. GIGANTOR would've benefitted from Hall of Fame mgr. (so they say) Joe Torre passing him a note which read: "Forget about last year. Tonight is not last year."
During the final 3 mos. of THIS season, Stairs batted a robust .082 which included that particularly forgettable stretch of 30 consecutive ABs w/o a hit. Torre -- the managerial messiah (so they say) -- failed to dispatch Honeycutt to the mound to remind Broxton that, at 6-4/294, "you are the big, bad wolf ... not that pussy, errr ... Canadian guy in the batter's box."

A 4-PITCH WALK ... AND THEN RUIZ GETS PLUNKED ON THE VERY NEXT PITCH ...
That Ruiz HBP was a continuation of Broxton overthinking the situation and aiming a pitch (quite poorly, in fact) rather than allowing his super Gigantor powers to clean up the mess. Mighty Brox's mind might've rewound to that Thurs. afternoon game in mid-May when he was one strike away from nailing down a 3-1 for L.A. at The Cit and Ruiz, after fouling off two pitches, pounded a 2-run double which tied the game.

OKAY, BUT CHECK OUT THIS MOMENT-OF-CLARITY: AFTER DOBBSIE HIT THAT WEIRD FLUTTERBALL TO CASEY BLAKE FOR OUT #2, A LOT OF US WERE WATCHIN' J-ROLL SETTLE INTO THE BATTER'S BOX AND, AS WE WERE HOPIN' FOR A SHARP SINGLE TO TIE THE GAME, IT DAWNED ON US THAT WE REALLY DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING IN OUR MEMORY BANK RE: J-ROLL PROVIDING ANYTHING OF THE "WALK-OFF" VARIETY. HE'S BEEN A MONEY PLAYER FOR ALMOST A FULL DECADE NOW ... HE WAS MR. 20-20-20-20 MVP TWO YEARS AGO ... HE HIT THE GRAND SLAM AND THE 2-RUN DOUBLE LATE IN THE GAME IN WHICH DAVID SALE WAS BEATEN TO DEATH IN THE PARKING LOT OUTSIDE THE CIT SOMETIME AROUND THE TIME THAT STEPHEN REGISTER WAS MAKING HIS ONLY PITCHING APPEARANCE FOR THE FIGHTIN'S ... BUT, NOTWITHSTANDING THAT, J-ROLL SIMPLY ISN'T A WALK-OFF KINDA GUY ...
Well, not until tonight, anyway -- primarily because he'd never been in that situation before. Not that we can recall, anyway. SABRmetric doofuses who spent a lotta time crunching SABRmetric numbers instead of crushing 2-2 sliders on the black put a lot of value (too much, as far as we're concerned) in those historical "late-inning pressure situation" averages. Any SABmetricistian, however, who diminishes the value of J-Roll's leadoff homer in Game 4 of last year's NLDS in Milwaukee or his leadoff HR in Game 5 of the NLCS in L.A. -- and the boost that those HRs provided to the team -- should probably turn in his SABRmetricistian membership card and return to the activity of French-kissing the boy in bed beside him. The rest of us will return to the act of valuing J-Roll as "an ignitor" ... i.e. his singles which started the 9th inning rallies in Game 3 and Game 4 in Colorado. All of the aformentioned hits, nevertheless, will rank a distant second to that frickin' rocket which J-Roll sent to the gap tonight.

SPEAKING OF THAT MISSILE UP THE ALLEY, WHAT THE FRICK WAS REFORMED-SEX-ADDICT STEVE PHILLIPS TALKIN' 'BOUT WHEN HE MADE A POINT OF MENTIONING THAT THE BALL BOUNCED UP AGAINST THE CHAIN-LINK FENCE WHICH PROVIDES THE "OUTER SHELL," AS IT WERE, OF THE OUTFIELD WALL? DID THE SILVER FOX WITH THE UNFINISHED GOAT-TEE WANT US TO MAKE SOME SORT OF CONNECTION?
Nobody knows -- not even reformed-sex-addict Steve Phillips -- knows what the fuck Steve Phillips is saying after he says what he says with that mouth that he also uses to (#$&&) a lot of (&**@#).
From what we think we can ascertain, Phillips seemed to be hinting that if the outfield wall had been made of Gummi Bears instead of chain-link material, the ball would've caromed, rapid-fire, to Ethier and he would've made a throw on the fly from the warning track to home plate to nail Ruiz and send this baby to extras ...

IF A DICKWAD SUCH AS STEVE PHILLIPS HAD DONE HIS HOMEWORK INSTEAD OF JACKING OFF IN ONE OF ESPN's RESTROOMS (MEN'S OR WOMEN'S, HE AIN'T FUSSY), HE'D'VE INFORMED AMERICA THAT NO PHILLIE-DODGER PLAYOFF SERIES HAS EVER BEEN TIED 2-GAMES-APIECE THRU 4 GAMES ... WHICH WAS THE ONLY THOUGHT INSIDE SOME OF OUR HEADS AS THE 9TH INNING BEGAN.
A nugget like that is valuable ... but, if ya lived thru 1977 and 1978 ya remember how those Game 4s ended ... and ya also remember the highs of Game 4 in '83 (a Sixto Lexcano homer!) and Game 4 last year (a Victorino homer into the Phillie bullpen which almost decapitated rookie catcher Lou Marson). Kinda makes ya wonder where Sixto and Lou watched the game tonight.

DEEP DOWN, DIDN'T WE ALL KNOW THAT THIS GAME WOULD WORK OUT IN THE FIGHTIN'S FAVOUR BECAUSE, LET'S FACE IT, ANY TIME RANDY WOLF STARTS A BIG GAME IN PHILLY, RANDY WOLF'S BEST INTERESTS ARE NEVER SERVED?
Agreed ... although he got jobbed on the 2-strike pitch which woulda rung up Howard in the first inning before the big guy jacked it out on the next pitch.

THAT HAD TO PLEASE THE WOLF PACK.
For sure, tho' does anyone remember the FOX cameras showing any shots of somebody wearing a rubber wolf mask?
Thinking outside the pack, it was pleasing when -- after the Dodgers had nicked and scratched their way from a 2-0 deficit to a 4-2 lead -- Victorino and Utley delivered some comeback material with that Manny-assisted triple and a solid RBI single.

ALTHOUGH THIS WAS A PHILLIE COMEBACK FOR THE AGES, THERE'S ONE GUY WHO'S GOING TO SPEND ALL OF TUESDAY SETTIN' THE RECORD STRAIGHT, ISN'T HE?
Damn straight. The one and only George Vukovich will be tellin' everybody, "J-Roll's hit was terrific, but I remain the only player in the Phillies' 125-year history to end a playoff game with a walk-off homer. Get it straight, people ... I hit a walk-off HOMER!!!"

HOW VALID IS HIS POINT?
As valid as valid gets. But, now it's time to end this in 5 games and avoid a trip back to La-La Land, where the Santa Ana winds whip up never-ending brushfires while shifts in the San Andreas Fault stir up constant earthquake anxiety.

COLE HAMELS IS FROM CALI -- IS HE THE MAN FOR THE JOB?
If he can block out the distractions of his new baby girl named Colbertina and channel his inner gun of Brixton or Eton Rifle. Otherwise, it'll be Cliff Lee on the hill at Dodger Stadium on Fri. nite for Game 6.
No one wants to see that when it's totally avoidable ...

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