Eldrickquiddick

The popular acronym "WTF" is what modern-day keyboardists use when they're thinking "now, wait just a cotton-pickin' minute."

Furthermore, "WTF" is considered acceptable because it's 3 letters (rather than What The Frick) -- and because references to "pickin' cotton" are considered to be not-very-PC.

Notwithstanding Eli Whitney's contribution to the cotton-picking genre (w/ the invention of the cotton gin), some of us ARE takin' a cotton-pickin' minute to ponder what Eldrick was doin' crashing his car into a fire hydrant and then a tree early, early this glorious Thanksgiving-turning-to-Black Friday.

As the story begins to unfold, it's seeming as though it might have all the trappings of "Chappaquidick Lite."

Except that, right now, we don't know who's playin' the role of Mary Jo Kopechne.

And we don't know what a wrecked Escalade has to do with Jon n' Kate ...

So, to amuse ourselves (and pass the time), we've opted to crack wise with punchlines such as: "Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant at 2:30 in the morning because Tiger's enforcer, Stevie, wasn't available to pick up the hydrant and toss it out of the way."

If nothing else, this roadway mishap adds some juice to a slow Thanksgiving weekend -- although it looks as though it'll be a busy Sat./Sun. for the folks at Nike as this "incident" is added to the "to-do" list of reworking "the spin."

The current list reads something like:
1) Engineer THE premier masking agents for Lance Armstrong
2) Formulate the next helmet/jersey/pants combination for Oregon's football team

Yellow helmets, green shirts w/ gray numerals, black pants???
Flat-black, non-shiny helmets, yellow shirts, green pants???
White helmets, yellow shirts w/ unreadable yellow numerals, camouflage pants, flip-flops???
Green helmets, black shirts, red numerals, turquoise pants, cleats dipped in green glitter paint???
Light gray helmets, light gray shirts w/ gray numerals, gray pants, yellow socks, shiny silver cleats???

True dat: We're going to hear as many lame, mixed-up reasons as to what happened just beyond Eldrick's driveway as there are lame, mixed-up Oregon Ducks football attire combinations.

Either way, that fire hydrant needs to be called in for questioning.

"DON'T FEEL LIKE TALKING, EH?"

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Disneyland's 24-Hr. B-Ball Rec Lg. 3-Ball Challenge

The Disneyland Basketball Channel always tries to pawn off its 24-hr./kick-off-the-season-of-37-percent-from-3-range as something unique and quirky (Monmouth vs. St. Peter's at 4 a.m., blammo!).

Let's face it, though ... even if this is the first ENTIRE coll. b-ball season with that Oprah-sanctioned Kenyamerican as prez, what we're looking at, b/ball-wise, contains nuthin' significantly more substantitive or entertaining than the erotic TV commercial wherein Ronnie's roommate offers Mrs. Hunter a Hall's Refresh.

That's right, kids ... it sucks, sucks, sucks -- and the only way to salvage it is to show the uncut version of the commercial wherein the mouths of Ronnie's roommate and Mrs. Hunter are suddenly one ... as two Hall's Refresh candies are violently tossed about in a wicked tongue collision & entanglement.

Sloppiest kiss in TV history?
That depends.
How much hi-def is America willing to handle?
After all, America doesn't seem too offended when Digger's performing felatio on Bobby Knight moments after Dickie V.'s puckered lips have danced gently across Bobby's buttocks.

Since SOME of us remember when they used to play basketball in this nation before it became a 3-ball ring-toss onto milk bottles, our only reaction is to re-create the same "Shun/Un-shun/Re-shun" paradigm which Dwight executed against Andy when the 'Nard Dog returned to Scranton following his stint at anger mgmt.

This b-ball marathon signals the dawn of the worst college basketball season in the history of this planet (or the history of the universe, depending on what rec league games are occurring in other solar systems) -- and if you don't belie"QUICK! Name your preseason All-America team!"

Can't do it, can ya?

"Shun!"

The pumpkin-thrown-at-the-peach-basket soft toss which "Un-shun!" ^^^for our own amusement, some of us went ahead and assembled an '09/'10 All-America team, anyway.
And, it goes like so:

SOLOMON ALABI (Fla. St.) 7-1/251 So. Nigeria
ALEXIS WANGMENE (Texas) 6-7/241 So. Cameroon
YOUSSOUPHA MBAO (Marq.) 7-2/215 Fr. Senegal
MOUPHTAOU YAROU ('Nova) 6-9/215 Fr. Benin
TIJAN JOBE (Indiana) 7-0/250 Sr. Gambia*

* -- Al-Farouq Aminu of Wake and Arinze Onauku of The 'Cuse were declared ineligible for this team because, like President SportsFan, they were born in the U.S. (Aminu in Norcross, Georgia and Onauku in Lanham, Maryland) and they are U.S. citizens (wink, wink) as was Longar Longar (wink, wink) ...

Yes ... this lineup was so heavily damaged by the losses of Idong Ibok of Nigeria, Duany Duany of the Sudan, Luc Richard Mbah a Moute of Cameroon, Hasheem Thabeet of Tanzania and Bamba Fall of Senegal -- and a lot of people feel as though you can't win with three 7-footers (we'd probably go with a FOURTH 7-footer, but Vandy's Festus Ezeli is listed at 6-11) ... and then, they look at this lineup and they ask, "Who'll bring the ball upcourt?" (Answer: Does it matter? Seriously ... have ya seen point-guard play nowadays? Your Aunt Loretta's a better ballhandler >> but, if we are required by the laws of the jungle to have a backcourt presence, might as well make it Montana senior Vassy Banny of the Ivory Coast, although everybody knows that better floor leaders come from Burkina Faso, formerly Upper Volta) ...

And, then ... the next question is: "Who are the perimeter players? Who'll shoot the trifecter?" (Answer: Does it matter? Seriously ... have ya seen the bricks that scholarship players are chuckin' at the rim nowadays? Your Aunt Loretta would have a higher FG% shot-putting the rock from halfcourt than many of today's quote-unquote "jump shoo"RE-SHUN!"

"Un-shun!" --> Speaking of St. Peter's U., is not Blaise Ffrench redshirting for the Peacocks this season after transferring from UTEP? And, what's the big idea with the "Ff" which begins his last name? That looks Ffucckk"RE-SHUN!"

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STEELER Report Card: A+

... but that's only if the "A" stands for "aggravating."

Or "annoying."

These are not the days are "A" is for Apple, "J" is for Jacks ... cinnamon toasty Apple Jacks ...

Although a big bowl of that sounds better than the big bowl of poop which the Steelers were scoopin' up vs. The Flavor of the Year (Bengal swirl on a sugar cone).

The only way this 3-0, 6-3, 6-6, 9-6, 9-9, 12-9, 12-12, 15-12, 18-12 annoying exercise in aggravation could've been more-aggravating or more-annoying would've been if somebody had put a gun to our heads and made us watch Berman & His Super-Schtick recap matters with: "And, after a 3-run homer by Willie Stargell gave Pittsburgh a 9-6 lead, 3-run homers by Tony Perez and Johnny Bench put Cincinnati ahead, 12-9."

The Cliffs Notes to this weirdness went something like: Roethlisberger scram 15 yds. to C 15 on first series (FG) ...

Consec. comps to Holmes 21 yds. to 15, 10 yds. 1st and goal at 5 (FG) ...

In succession: 46-yd PI, comps. to Moore for 11 to 19, Ward for 11 to 8 (FG) ...

QB sneak, FD at 11 (FG ... 12-12) ...

The only thing missing from the "inability to finish" showcase was what we saw in the game AT Cinshitnati: Limas Sweed dropping a TD pass which hit him right in the numbers as he was falling backwards (after falling on a banana peel ... or a garden rake ... whatever ...) ...

Actually, the winner of the Limas Sweed-stakes today occurred on the third play of the third qtr. when that pass bounced off of Ward's helmet and caromed to Frostee Rucker for the INT-runback/FG-setup.

For some reason, we're 'sposed to believe that the Bungles de Cinshitnati have that "deep-into-the-playoffs" look of a winner, thanks to Carson Palmer, an improved defense and the principles of Marvin Lewis.

But, let's remember this much: The only reason that Marvin Lewis wasn't fired after last season's 1-11-1 laughingstock before the 3-gm. win streak to end the season was -- as any Cinshitnatian will tell ya -- because upper mgmt. is too f-ing cheap to pay the remainder of Lewis' contract if he's axed.

Nuthin' magical 'bout that ...

And, until Carson Palmer wins a playoff game, they can cram that "changed the culture" B.S.

Nobody's scared of Payyyy-kohhh ...
Or Nuhhh-doooo-kwayy ...
Or Mowww-uhhh-looooga ...
Or Frosss-teee ...
Or Fuhh-nayyy-nayyy ...

AS PER THE BLACK N' GOLD, now is not the time for sorrow -- mostly because the remaining sked looks fairly-navigable in the Sea of 6-n'-3s (Pitt., N.E., S.D., Denv.).

The remaining menu of Chiefs, Raiders, Browns and Dolphins shows an extreme prejudice toward a 5-2 record in those games (4-3 at the very worst, considering the two Raven tussles and hard-to-figure Green Bay ... and, what the heck, maybe 6-1 if this team learns how to "close").

Seriously ... who sees more than 2 losses amongst that sorry group of NFL refuse?

Another shot at Cincy would be nice, given that Team Tiger Stripe scored two offensive TDs in 8 qtrs. vs. the Curtain.

Less than 2 mos. from now, the Steelers might be takin' their 10-6 record into Cincy and registering an unforgettable, 10-6 playoff win.

After Kimo von Oelhofen is activated for the game to re-enact the submarining of Palmer ...

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Best STEELER Win (In Denver) Ever (?)

Well, not in the "of all-time" genre ... because, after all, it was only 4 yrs. ago when the Curtain barged into Invesco and messed up Jake Plummer in the AFC Championship game.

And, we all remember how Eric Williams (yeah! THAT Eric Williams ...) picked off that Elway pass and ran it back to the 1-yd. line to set up the go-ahead TD which put the Curtain into the AFC Championship Game in Jan. '85.

Those were probably greater Mile High memories than what transpired tonight.

Still, given the circumstances of the Broncos' teenager head coach w/ his Belichick-inspired hoodie ... combined with presence of QB Neckbeard, "yup" ... this was mighty special.

And, a nearly-flawless 2nd half was capped by that quickie swing pass in the right flat which Hines Ward turned into a hurdle-over-Champ-Bailey TD -- although the friendly, post-pattern hookup between Big Ben and rookie Mike Wallace for the other knockout TD against that so-called vaunted D was special, too.

According to the recordkeepers who keep such records, the Steelers set a team record by scoring at least 27 points for the 5th game in a row.

That stat doesn't really mean a lot, considering that the 28-20 win at Detroit shoulda been more like 42-20 ... and the 27-14 win over the Browns shoulda been more like 41-14 with the total offense that the Steelers amassed (somewhere in the neighborhood of 2,000 yds.).

The recordkeepers also report that Tomlin is now 5-0 on MNF and 12-1 in games played in primetime, but, alas, we need to be realists and realize, realistically, that Tomlin's offense didn't look real swift during the first half tonight.

But, that's where the O can get a boost from the D, particularly when Tyrone Carter produces a pick six, assisted by Chris Hoke, of all people, shoving Knowshon Moreno into the umpire, thus, disrupting the rookie RB's pass route.

How many times do ya see that?
A backup D-lineman dropping back into coverage and shoving the rookie RB into the umpire?

That was kooky ... and maybe a little borderline illegal.

One day, Ziggy Hood will be using that move.

Before then, though, they'll have a good laugh over Hoke's shove during film session on Weds.

Unless film session is tomorrow because of the shortened work week, I dunno ...

The Broncos have some issues -- in fact, they had possessed the ball for all of 6-plus minutes in the second half until burning the final 1-minute-something following the Happy Hines Hurdle TD.

8 minutes of total possession time in the second half?

Funny thing is, we can argue (intelligently? logically?) that had Big Ben not coughed up the ball and then had not Polamalu knocked an sure INT outta Gay's hands, this one could've gone down as a 28-0 whitewash.

Maybe so, but then so, too, "if Hoke doesn't shove Moreno into the umpire ..."

And then if Polamalu isn't in the backfield, tripping somebody up for a 3-yd. loss ... and then if he isn't making the INT on a ball thrown to nobody, then ...

We need to discard "what ifs" and focus on "when dids" ... such as when did the Orange Crush go soft and allow a Terrible Towel invasion to negate a "we-must-protect-this-house" paradigm?

One might find that a little borderline illegal.
Maybe even unconstitutional.

But not as illegal or as unconstitutional as those brown helmets, yellow shirts, brown pants and vertically-striped socks which the Broncos have worn to re-connect with their 1960 AFL beginnings.

Tonight, they wore the orange tops when they shoulda been decked out in navy blue tops and navy blue trousers.

Anyway, "hey!" ... aren't you Mitch Berger?!

Last time we saw him, he was weari' his white Steeler shirt w/ yellow Steeler pants and he was floppin' to the turf at Raymond James in SB43, picking up a pivotal (but altogether unjustified) R-T-K flag.

Oh well, everybody has his/her own axe to grind.

Right now, Mike Wallace is making jersey #17 memories which Mitch Berger could only dream about (mostly because one's a WR and the other is a P ... notwithstanding the fact that w/o Mitch Berger's five perfect placements -- on snaps from Jared Retkofsky -- for Jeff Reed's 2 FGs and 3 PATs in SB43, the Cards woulda won, 23-19 ... right? >> it doesn't matter nowadays because Chris Warren and Daniel Sepulveda are no longer on IR and }}}} %%%%% >>>

Denver fans gotta pin their playoff hopes on Capt. Neckbeard, who, before, tonight, had thrown only one INT.

Sometimes, when we call him by his real name ("Kyle Orton"), people 'round these parts confuse Kyle Orton for Kyle Lorton, candidate for Maryland State Senate.

Some of us have shaken the hand of the wannabe state senator, although we've never admitted to him that we long for the day when he's shaking the QB's hand and saying, "Hi, Kyle Orton ... I'm Kyle Lorton."

And so forth and so on ...

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The Game 4 Train Wreck

(Typing with tears in your eyes? Yeah ... if you're a douchebag, maybe ... )

WHICH WAS WORSE -- A) BLACK FRIDAY '77? ... B) 15-14 JAYS '93? ... C) TONIGHT?
Good one ... particularly for the Phillie Phan who was either 15 years old when it was 5-3 with one out to go, Lefty scheduled to start the next night to wrap up the series and then, suddenly, Davalillo's layin' down that bunt and Luzinski is drifting back, back, back on Mota's flyball and, then, oh shit, the throw is skipping away from Sizemore and then Froemming is calling Lopes safe ...
Or when Phillie Phan is 31 years old and feelin' good about holdin' down the 14-9 lead to even up the Series at 2-apiece with Schilling on the hill the next night ...
Or when Phillie Phan is 47 years old and Feliz's homer in the bottom of the 8th offers renewed hope with Lee on the hill the next night and, suddenly, Damon's stealing second and, suddenly, nobody's covering third, oh shit again, nobody's covering third ...

THAT DIDN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION.
Well, tonight doesn't compare to Black Friday because in '77, the Phils hadn't won a World Series in their 94 yrs. of existence. And, 15-14 in '93 ... that was a total abomination.
Tonight? If the top of the 9th HAD ended with the score tied, 4-4, at this very moment, we'd be heading to the top of the 13th.

AND, NATURALLY, THE BOTTOM OF THE 12TH WOULD'VE ENDED WITH CLAY CONDREY, PINCH-RUNNING FOR PAUL BAKO, GETTIN' THROWN OUT AT THE PLATE ATTEMPTING TO SCORE FROM SECOND ON PINCH-HITTER COLE HAMELS' SINGLE TO LEFT. (laugh track)
Told ya they shoulda pinch-ran for Bako with Antonio Bastardo. (laugh track)

ATTENDING GAME 4 LAST YEAR, AS SOME OF US DID (WITH TICKETS WHICH COST $0.00), WAS A LOT MORE FUN THAN WATCHING ON TV WHAT UNFOLDED TONIGHT.
True dat ... especially when somebody (that's me ... raising my hand) informed that drunk dude that it was I.M. Hipp. not J.A. Happ, warming up in the Phillies bullpen.

WHAT POSSIBLE SILVER LINING IS THERE FOR TONIGHT -- OR IS SILVER THE COLOR OF THE SHINY CUTLERY PROTRUDING FROM THE ABDOMEN IN A "STICK-A-FORK-IN-'EM" PARADIGM?
Gotta go win the next 3 ... and the first step in that process is defeating the often-mediocre-when-he-isn't-babying-an-injury A.J. Burnett.

OPTIMISTICALLY, WE'RE LOOKIN' AT COLE HAMELS STARTIN' GAME 7 AT YANKEE STADIUM, AREN'T WE? (laugh track) THAT'S EXCITING STUFF. IT'S WHAT EVERY KID DREAMS OF.
Unless Mgr. Yokel opts for surprise starter Brett Myers for Game 6 and saves Pedro for Game 7 ... or activating secret-weapon starter Rodrigo Lopez (with Happ and Bastardo ready at the first sign of danger) ... which would shatter Cole Hamels' dream. That is, if Cole Hamels actually has dreams which extend beyond his role in the next commercial for Comcast. (laugh track)
As per the dreams of young boys from the Empire State, it centers around one day starting in the midfield or as an attacker for Syracuse LAX -- mostly because The New Yankee Stadium is big-time kid-unfriendly with its $500 nosebleed seats.

KIDS WHO ARE PROHIBITED FROM ATTENDING MLB GAMES -- DOESN'T THAT GO AGAINST THE MLB'S "BEYOND BASEBALL" CAMPAIGN?
Not in or around the NYC area. Kids still have many options -- such as attending the local venues (be it MSG or the stadium which was built atop Jimmy Hoffa's gravesite) to watch the Mets suck, the Jets suck, the Giants suck, the Knicks suck, the Nets suck, the Rangers suck and the Islanders suck. The Pinstripers are all they've got. And while their step-dad is at the game and texting his girlfriend who isn't Mom, the kids can listen to the games on the radio and hear some riveting broadcasting from Suzyn Waldman (because non-athletic chicks w/ thicker-than-thick Noo Yak/Jewish(?) accents always provide the best baseball insight, fuhgeddabowdid!).

HEY, SUZYN WALDMAN/LINDA RICHMAN/CAWWFEE TALK IS NO WORSE THAN THE INCOHERENT SHIT THAT COMES OUTTA LARRY ANDERSEN'S MOUTH DURING PHILS' BROADCASTS.
Granted ... and, say ... nobody's accusing Larry Andersen of being drunk during the games. He just broadcasts as though he is. (laugh track)

FROM THE STANDPOINT OF THE TEAM WHICH USED TO WEAR THOSE COOL, MAROON-COLOURED CAPS AND MAROON PINSTRIPES (FROM 1970 THRU 1991), WHO DO WE BLAME FOR TONIGHT?
Several culprits spring to mind.
*Lidge leaving his fastball "up in the zone," as they say, for Damon and A-Roid to whack, well ... that wasn't smart.
*Rollins and Victorino gettin' aboard with no outs and failing to score ... that was harmful.
*Blanton got in a groove, but walking Nick Swisher to lead off the rally which snapped the 2-2 tie ... unwise.
Also, spotting NYY a 2-0 lead in the first ... that was 100% counter-productive ...
Unsmart ... harmful ... unwise ... and counter-productive are not the building blocks for a favorable outcome in a pivotal Game 4.

SO, IN OTHER WORDS, THE HOMER WHICH FELIZ TAGGED OFF OF JOBA PROVIDED ONLY FALSE HOPE?
Let's say Lidge DOES survive the top of the 9th -- what scenario did Phillie Phan envision for the bottom of the 9th vs. Phil Coke? Was it: Single by (Pinch Hitter X), single by Rollins, single by Victorino, strike out by Utley, strike out by Howard, walk-off grand slam by Werth?
The Happiness Paradigm always gets shifted and undermined by the Reality Coefficient -- so, even if it had been Coke rather than Mariano, it still might've ended up grounder to Teixeira, popup to Teixeira, grounder to Teixeira.
At least, Phil Coke didn't enter the game, earn the "W" and lead to a Daily News headline of: "PHILS HAVE A PROBLEM WITH COKE."
Or did we forget the Phils-On-Pills days of yore?

SPEAKING OF THE HAPPINESS PARADIGM AND THE REALITY COEFFICIENT, IS THE INEVITABILTY QUOTIENT THE REASON FOR A MEDIA BLACKOUT IN EFFECT AT THE HONEYCOMB HIDEOUT?
Yes ... and it's imperative that the blackout be honoured. We're probably not going to watch much of Game 5 until it's safe to do so. That mean gettin' Cliff Lee a 3-0 or 5-2 lead which he is entitled to. Also, we'll creatively channel the Games 3, 4 & 5 vs. L.A. to create a positive vibe. It's important to remember: A blackout prohibits Bobby Fuckin' Valentine from invading our personal space and stunting our personal growth with his inane and asinine comments re: matters which are only peripherially related to what actually transpired.

WHAT'S THE GAMEPLAN FOR FENDING OFF YANKEE LOUDMOUTHS TOMORROW?
Nuthin' much ... just me, wearin' a Steelers sweatshirt and offering something succinct along the lines of, "Highest payroll in The MLB every year, but no championships since 2000. Will we be hearing from you again before 2018?"

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