Bracket Racket: "Jribble Jrive, Jrue!"

Any time we see NCAA b-ball brackets which look this totally awesome, it usually means that the stage is set for the funnest tournament ever. *

(* -- "funnest," in this case, might actually be a euphemism for "biggest pile of shit," but your mileage may vary ...)

Of course, for this to be the funnest tourney of the Y2Ks for FUCLA (Final 4 appearances the previous three seasons), we'll need to see if Jrue Holiday is up to the challenge.

How so?

BY TAKIN' IT TO THE RACK ... WITH THE JRIBBLE JRIVE!!!

God-frickin'-dammit-all ... this is gonna be the most off-the-hook tournament in the history of the universe ... what, with Chief Kickingstallionsims in the play-in game on Tues. and then Jrue Holiday jrainin' the jumper!

In fact, the only way this tourney could be any more awesomer than it'll already be would be if they used the same prop that the ol' MTV Rock N' Jock b-ball contests had back in the day -- a regular hoop-and-backboard paradigm, but with a ANOTHER HOOP (and net!) anchored to the top of the backboard.

For anyone who put a shot through ... 5 POINTS!

Digger: "Team X can get back in this game -- but only if they spread the court and hit those quintuples!"

Lavin: "Diagonal passing ..."

Raftery: "Send it in, Jerome!"

Wait ... when the flock did we start talking about "Jerome"?
This is 'sposed to be about Jrue.
And the jribble jrive ...
And jrainin' the jumper ...
Or jrawin' the foul ...
In jramatic fashion ..
While jrenched with sweat ...
In the huge win against Jrexel ...
Before the jrunk jrivin' arrest the night before the NBA Jraft ...
And gettin' jropped from the Grizzlies' wish list ...

By the way, what ever happened to the common spelling of the name "Jrue"?
Y'know ... "J-R-E-W"?
Ring any bells?

And, by the way (again), if Jribble-Jrive Jrue can't get it done with his jribble-jrivin' and his J-jrainin', dare we put all of our eggs into the basket of Steffphon Pettigrew of Western Kentucky?

That would be the logical move -- but only if Sttefffphhonn Petttigrrew was goin' one-on-one vs. Blaise Ffrench (now that we don't have Chief Kickingstallionsims to kick around any more).

WTF? Somebody somewhere said that Blaise Ffrench and his UTEP Miner teammates are playing in something called "the College Basketball Invitational Tournament" (which, from what they tell us, is approx. three notches below the I.M. hoops at most campuses).

Seriously ... Blaise Ffrench has two F's on the frontside of his last name.

Some people might opine that Jrue and Steffphon and Ffrench have names which are ffuckking idiotic -- but, those people are close-minded to the concept of The MTV 5-Point Shot.

And, maybe in those folks' office pools, they can't decide which way to lean on that breathtaking first-rounder.

ZAGS vs. ZIPS!

The first place to turn re: handicapping this barnburner (before we get jrowsy and jrift off to sleep) is Disneyland's B-Ball Channel ... and that 6-headed braintrust.

WHEN ______ MAKES THEIR SHOTS, THEY'RE AS GOOD AS ANY TEAM IN THE COUNTRY.

________ NEEDS TO REBOUND.

______ CAN'T TURN THE BALL OVER OR THEY'LL BE IN TROUBLE.

IT'LL BE INTERESTING TO SEE IF _______ CAN MATCH _______'S PHYSICALITY.

_________ HAS TO MAKE THEIR FREE THROWS OR THEY'LL BE IN TROUBLE.

________ HAS TREMENDOUS LENGTH (this one belongs to Atty. Bilas -- and since "height" is how we measure how tall a team is and "physicality" is how we measure a team's athleticism and toughness, it seems as though "length" is how we measure the size of the players' dongs ... nice work, Jay ... "permission to treat as hostile, Your Honour?")

IF ______ MAKES THEIR THREES, THEY'LL GO FAR.

________ PLAYS WITH A LOT OF COURAGE.

________ PLAYS WITH A LOT OF PASSION.

_______ HAS TO MAKE THEIR THREES ... AND NOT TURN THE BALL OVER ... AND REBOUND ...

________ IS A TERRIFIC COACH.

Gotta love the hoop-speak Mad Lib ...

Since Digger and Vitale are bigger spin doctors than most politician's PR staffs, we're never going to real opinions such as "_______ PLAYS LIKE A BIG PUSSY" ("I never said he IS a pussy ... he just plays like one") or "______ IS WORTHLESS AS A COACH" ("I never said he was worthless as an individual ... he just can't coach, that's all"), we're resigned to saying, "It is what it is" and then clicking the TV remote to something other than the soft-serve, creamy nonsense in a waffle cone which coll. BB dishes out.

Dickie V. maybe doesn't remember the MTV 5-point shot, but he'll sell ya lollipops and balloons, anyway.

Love that egghead. He reads from his Mad Libs sheet and says roughly the same 10 things each game.

(Note: The all-time best-ever description of a college b-ball star was offered almost 20 yrs. ago when Stanford's Aussie import Andrew Vlahov -- a thick, tough-as-nails power forward w/ a handshake like a vise-grip which he used to help the Cardinal win the '91 NIT title -- told my Mrs. that one of his teammates "squats when he pees" ... a quote which works best when used w/ either a real or fake Aussie accent)

We've got a lot of fellas in this tournament who squat when they pee (punchline: "... and when they're ready to take a dump, they stand upright and shit their shorts at the free-throw line.")

Some people figured that when President Oprah came into power, he'd clean up this frickin' mess.

Alas, President Oprah's father is a Kenyan dude -- and Kenyans have never had any pull in this tournament ... not the way that Sudanese refugees (such as Duany Duany and Kueth Duany) and Cameroonian tribesmen (such as Luc Richard Mbah a Moute or Frank Tchuisi) or Senegalese warlords (such as Bamba Fall, Samba Fall and Papa Dia) or Tanzanian superstars (such as Hasheem Thabeet) or the Nigerians (such as Olajuwon, Okafor and that guy Okalija) have.

Kenya might have had some teams which have won the Jungle Ball Invitational or the Congo Holiday Classic, but they can't hang w/ the American game.

Hence, the only way to dress up this pom-pom bore-a-thon is to bring back the Sheraton commercials from last season's tourney.

When Sorrycuse fan uses his forefinger to dab at the bleu cheese splotch on Georgeclown fan's moustache ... CHUBBY ALERT!

That is ... if you're gay.

If you're straight and interested in legit competition, you're gettin' your mind right because the Stanley Cup playoffs are right around the corner.

There's a red line and a blue line, but no 3-point line.

Gotta fix that.
Better use a jrill and a screwjriver.
Oh, and don't forget the jropcloth.
Or it's gonna be a real jrag ...

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