Dallas Braden Q&A (w/ "update!")

Now that the dust has settled and the blood has finally dried, it seems as though the only logical way to handle recent events is to activate either the Q&A or the FAQ format and explore what's on our minds and in our hearts.

WHAT THE HELL IS A QUOTE-UNQUOTE "DALLAS BRADEN"?
He's the A's pitcher who made a name for himself (sort of earlier) a few weeks ago when he got all pissy 'cuz A-Rod ran across Dallas Braden's mound while returning to the Yankee dugout. And, apparently, something called Dallas Braden pitched a perfect game today.

WAS DALLAS BRADEN JUSTIFIED IN BEEFING WITH A-ROID?
Sure ... why not.

WAS IT PROPER OF A-ROID TO USE A "15 MINUTES OF FAME" TAG FOR DALLAS BRADEN?
Completely.

HOW CAN A PITCHER NAMED "DALLAS" LAST LONGER THAN 15 MINUTES?
Well, if he's this guy:

... he can do it by serving up not only the lone grand slam of Pete Rose's career but also by surrendering Jimmy Piersall's 100th career homer, which prompted the very unstable Jimmy P. to round the bases while running backwards.

DO YOU 'SPOSE THAT WHEN HE WAS PETE ROSE'S MANAGER IN PHILLY THAT DALLAS GREEN EVER MADE MENTION OF THAT HOMER TO PETEY?

Which one -- the grand slam or the Piersall homer? It's a good guess that Dallas Green wasn't grinning when that wack-job, Piersall, was running backwards ... a "crime" greater than A-Rod running across the mound.

JUDGING FROM THE FORM THAT HE DISPLAYED WHEN HE TOSSED OUT THE CEREMONIAL FIRST PITCH BEFORE THE CLINCHING GAME 5 OF THE NLCS VS. L.A. LAST OCTOBER, IS IT SAFE TO ASSUME THAT DALLAS GREEN'S SHAME HAS ABATED SOMEWHAT?

Maybe not. I mean, lookit the sweater he was wearing under that Phillies shirt. Honest to God, who put a gun to his head and made him wear that sweater?

COULD IT HAVE BEEN JIMMY PIERSALL?
Doubtful ... but, either way it's an overt fashion disaster ... because following that ceremonial pitch, he took off the Phillies shirt, thus, revealing a hodge-podge of red-and-black swirls and splotches.

EVEN MORE UNUSUAL THAN THAT CREEPY SWEATER IS THE FACT THAT WE'VE MANAGED TO TURN THIS "DID DALLAS BRADEN ACTUALLY THROW A PERFECT GAME?" Q&A INTO A TRIBUTE TO DALLAS GREEN.

Yeah ... pretty cool, ain't it? The beauty part is that we can seriously ratchet up this "Dallas Green Tribute" and make it a double-whammy of Dallas Green by including #24 of Robert Morris U. --> "Dallas Green." He dazzled us in the 52-50 win over Quinnipiac for the Northeast Conference tournament championship ... a game in which Quinnipiac had 16 baskets and 15 turnovers whilst Robert Morris went 7 of 17 from the line.

WHEN YOU SAY THAT DALLAS GREEN "DAZZLED" US IN THAT 52-50 WIN OVER QUINNIPIAC, CAN YOU DEFINE "DAZZLE"?
The numbers which I used speak for themselves.

IS IT FAIR TO COMPARE DALLAS GREEN1, THE BASEBALLER, TO DALLAS GREEN2, THE B/BALLER?
No. Because to do so would be to take time away from acknowledging/praising Dallas Drake.

THAT'S A GOOD POINT. THE DALLAS DRAKE SAGA WAS A GENUINE FEEL-GOOD STORY, WASN'T IT?
Sure was. The guy was one of the so-called "rising stars" for the Red Wings during those powerful years of the early-to-mid-'90s ... but then he was shipped out as Scotty Bowman built a powerhouse his way. So, "yes" ... seeing the young hotshot No. 33 come back and win the Cup as the reliable and hard-nosed No. 17 before announcing his retirement, "yes" ... that was very gratifying.

DIDN'T THE DALLAS DRAKE STORY HAVE THE FAIRY-TALE ENDING THAT WE HOPED WE'D READ ABOUT FOR DALLAS COMEGYS?

Sort of. Except this (see above) isn't Dallas Comegys which you've included here. It looks a lot more like that the DePaul player who we always though was a Dallas Comegys clone ... Tyrone Corbin.

TYRONE CORBIN AND DALLAS COMEGYS ARE "NOT" THE SAME PERSON/PLAYER?
Apparently not ... although Dallas Comegys, not Tyrone Corbin, did carve out a nice little career for himself playin' overseas.

IF DALLAS COMEGYS AND TYRONE CORBIN ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON/PLAYER, THEN HOW DO WE RANK DALLAS BRADEN VS. DALLAS BAKER?
That's difficult to say when we weigh the Steeler career stats for the 7th-round pick in the '07 draft.
One career reception for 6 yds. in '08.

ONE CATCH FOR 6 YARDS? TWO YEARS AGO? THAT LEAVES HIM WAYYYYYYYY BEHIND DALLAS CLARK IN CAREER RECEPTIONS, DOESN'T IT?

AND WHY THE HELL DOES DALLAS CLARK GET SPECIAL TREATMENT, i.e. WEARING HIS COLLEGE #44 INSTEAD OF THE NFL-MANDATED #80 THRU #89 FOR ALL TIGHT ENDS?
That's one helluva good point -- particularly since here (above, R) Hawkeye Dallas Clark is trying to avoid Wisconsin safety Jason Aiello, who is wearing the same style of white, Adidas #7 Badger jersey which I own.

If people don't already know it, a white, Adidas #7 Badger jersey is ideal for Workplace Jersey Fridays during autumn.
Sometimes, I ponder the possibilities of Dallas Jessup in a white, Adidas #7 Badger jersey more than Dallas Clark in his Iowa #44 or his Indy #44.

DALLAS JESSUP? IS HE THE DUDE IN THIS PHOTO (^) WHO'S ABOUT TO RECEIVE A KNEE TO THE NUTS?
Dallas Jessup is the "she" in that photo ... and she's all business, according to her bio on the back of this recently-purchased, big-grab bag of Doritos.

It sez here that "the 16-year-old blonde from the state of Washington is a Tae Kwon Do black belt and an instructor in Filipino Street Fighting. After reading about a string of assaults in her area, she decided to use her skills to help teens defend themselves against attack. She created the free Just Yell Fire video," et cetera, et cetera ...

THAT MIGHT BE AN OLD BAG OF DORITOS BECAUSE THE INTRA-WEB SEZ THAT DALLAS JESSUP IS NOW AN 18-YEAR-OLD FRESHMAN AT VANDERBILT WHO'S A DEVOUT HUMAN-RIGHTS ACTIVIST. DOESN'T THAT SOUND A LITTLE MORE IMPORTANT THAN A BASEBALL PITCHER WHO PROMOTES "THE 2-1-9"?
I guess so. But, that's the last time I trust a Big Grab of Doritos.

SEEMS AS THOUGH WE NEVER HEAR ENOUGH ABOUT "FILIPINO STREET FIGHTING." IS THAT SUPERIOR TO BRAZILIAN JIU-JITSU THAT WE'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT? AND, IF THEY EVER DO A Y2K RE-MAKE OF "STAGECOACH," WOULD IT NOT MAKE TOTAL SENSE TO CAST DALLAS JESSUP IN ANN-MARGRET'S ROLE AS THE DANCE-HALL GIRL NAMED "DALLAS"?
Well, for one thing ... the role of "Dallas" in the play/movie is not only dance-hall girl, but also a hooker. Dallas Jessup is not a hooker, according to Frito-Lay's Doritos wrapper ... she's a Filipino Street Fighter. If we re-make that movie with Dallas Jessup as Dallas, let's cast her as the street fighter who helps the townspeople kick the crap outta the Filipinos and the Brazilians.

IS IT SAFE TO ASSUME THAT ANN-MARGRET -- BREATHTAKING THOUGH SHE MAY BE (AND SHALL ALWAYS REMAIN) -- COULD NEVER HAVE PULLED OFF ANY FILIPINO STREET FIGHTING SCENES IN "STAGECOACH"?
Right ... but that's not the point -- because the funny thing about the 1966 version of "Stagecoach" is that it also featured a young starlet named Stefanie Powers.

DID YOU KNOW THAT, ACCORDING TO THE WORD ON THE STREET, ANN-MARGRET'S LAST NAME IS "OLSSON" AND STEFANIE POWERS' IS "FEDERKIEWICZ"?

It sure makes ya wonder if Stef's family pronounced it "Fedd-DURR-kuh-wicks" or if they went with "fedder-KAY-vitch." Although Polish names are cool as hell, there's something to be said about the simplicity of the Swedish names such as "Olsson."

YEAH, BUT NEITHER OF THOSE ACTRESSES HAD A COOL NAME SUCH AS "VIRGIL TRUCKS."

No, only Virgil Trucks had the name Virgil Trucks ... and there are two fun facts about Virgil Trucks: 1) His real name really is Virgil Trucks (unless Virge forgot to tell anybody that his last name was Americanized and abbreviated to "Trucks" from either "Truckiewicz" or "Truckosaurus") and 2) In 1952, Virgil Trucks pitched two no-hitters during a season in which he went 5-19.

That's frickin' brilliant ...

IS IT LEGAL TO "RANK" NO-HITTERS? AFTER ALL, DALLAS BRADEN'S WAS A PERFECT GAME ... ON MOTHER'S DAY ... AGAINST THE RED-HOT TAMPA RAYS.

Nostalgia aside, some of us will always rank Jim Bunning's perfecto on Father's Day, 1964 ahead of Braden's Mother's Day magnificence. And Rick Wise's no-no was special, too.

YEAH, BUT WISE'S GAME WASN'T A PERFECTO.

That's right. It was better than "perfection."

HOW SO?
Because it was heroic. And because Rick Wise won 19 games for the Flopsox in '75 then he got dicked in the postseason, so ... Dallas Braden can basically cram it.

SO, THERE ARE DIFFERENT LEVELS OF HEROISM?
True dat. I mean, lookit that clown ... Jody Gerut. He went into the weekend batting .133 (4 for 30) then he busts loose on Saturday and hits for the cycle.

WHO THE HELL DOES JODY GERUT THINK HE IS?
Nobody's sure.

WHO DOES JODY GERUT PLAY FOR, ANYWAY?
Nobody can remember.

WHO DID HE HIT FOR THE CYCLE AGAINST?
Nobody cares.

IS THERE ANY TRUTH TO THE SCUTTLEBUTT THAT DALLAS BRADEN'S NO-NO WASN'T EVEN THE BEST PITCHING PERFORMANCE OF THE WEEKEND?
Exactly! That distinction is reserved for Jamie Moyer, the guy who wears his age (50) and the MPH of his fastball (50) on the back of his shirt. All he did was twirl a complete-game, 2-hit shutout with 0 walks vs. the Braves.

IS JAMIE MOYER A HALL OF FAMER?
Absolutely.

WILL HE EVER BE ENSHRINED?
Absolutely not.

WHY'S THAT?
Have you seen who votes on such matters? Fred MustardStainOnHisUnwashedPoloShirt. Honestly .... if Gammons or Kurkjian are such geniuses, watch 'em stutter when you explain that Gary Carter and Lance Parrish were essentially THE SAME PLAYER during their careers, alas ... only Carter is in the Hall.
It's the same deal with Bob Boone, who, over the course of AN ENTIRE CAREER, was better than Gary Carter.

EITHER WAY, MOYER DOIN' WHAT HE'S DOIN' AT AGE 47 IS FRICKIN' INSANE. WITH THAT 47 MPH FASTBALL, IT BASICALLY MEANS THAT HE HAS TO PITCH HIS ASS OFF TO EVERY BATTER. SO, WHADDYA 'SPOSE DALLAS BRADEN WILL BE DOING WHEN HE'S 47?
Same thing he'll be doing at 37 ... swing-shift floor manager at the finest topless bar in Stockton, errrr ... "the Two One Nine."
------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ UPDATE: The subhead on this week's S.I. story (by Tom Verducci) re: Dallas Braden is a real lulu, a description of the pitcher which reads: "... a soft-throwing, off the radar lefty who lost his mother to cancer throwing the 19th perfect game in baseball history."

IS THIS ONE OF THOSE "EATS, SHOOTS & LEAVES" SCENARIOS?
Naw. This seems more like a "I Had A Dream Last Night That I Shot An Elephant In My Pajamas." None of us knew that Dallas Braden's mom died of cancer while pitching a perfect game. And who knew that an elephant could fit into my pajamas?
Sons of bitches ...

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